Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Around the same time as events in the previous post, Brewster of Goliad rambled outside the castle, mingling with peasants and asking polite questions. Gloomenghast being much less isolated than its literary template, even many of the menials knew some words from the tongues of nearby countries. Brewster had also intentionally acquired some well-chosen Gloomenghaster words, like "where," "inside" and "outside." The condensed substance of his conversations would be roughly like this.....

BREWSTER: Do you have poisonous reptiles hereabouts?

LOCALS: Not near the castle, nor near the working-class population centers. More than a thousand years ago, our people began to encourage the nesting of birds which would prey upon the reptiles. The remaining dangerous lizards and snakes learned to avoid humans.

BREWSTER: Yes, reptiles are smarter than most people realize. // You obviously can't mine any metallic ores in the marshland. Do you purchase metal objects outside your kingdom's boundaries?

LOCALS: Yes. You may already have heard that our carvers do very well at selling their artwork to outsiders. Very early in our history, our people did mine and smelt ore from unsettled outside areas. That resource was all used up centuries ago; but by then, some of our people had found well-paying labor in Datsunsel and in Rosterzeeland, Hustelbeenor, Zeebeeland, Bossamossland-- I mean the next country north of us.

BREWSTER: My companions and I don't hear anything of evil supernatural beings preying upon your people. Does it happen at all?

LOCALS: Fortunately, the Mellow Druids frequented this region in the past, and they left an enduring power against evil. That is, there are evil things, but we Gloomenghasters are never assailed by monsters that we absolutely cannot fight by ourselves. Also, spiritually-strong heroes from Shangri-Blah have periodically come around here over the centuries, seeming to know miraculously when we needed help the most.

BREWSTER: I've sampled mild alcoholic beverages here. Some stuff in the castle, I know, was imported, but some was locally produced.

LOCALS: The local products are made either from shadowgold fruit, or from vegetables we have which resemble potatoes.

BREWSTER: Are some of your fabrics made by pounding the fibers out of tree bark?

LOCALS: So they are, and even shoes.

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Meanwhile, Quicktrout caught wind of Gwazpor teaching self-defense moves to Rawhide. He saw an opportunity here. At the soonest opportunity, he "casually" told Queen Zatruga that he "suspected" hostility from Rawhide against Master Chef Gimshelter. Next, when opportunity presented itself, he stole a knife belonging to the Steward.

The cunning young man created an alibi for himself by going outside the walls on a supposed errand--but promptly returning unnoticed, through a plotline-convenient secret passage. Shortly thereafter, he sneaked up on Gimshelter and laid the fat bully's throat open like slicing a loaf of bread. He saw no problem in leaving Rawhide's knife on the scene, because no one in this part of Planet Punksteema had invented the science of checking fingerprints.

When the ruckus over Gimshelter's death began, talk arose about asking Veevalamora to cast a spell to determine who was the culprit. But Quicktrout was quick to realize his omission, and fled the castle before the Elf could even begin to ferret him out.

But the ambitious young man was nothing if not concerned with emergency plans. On his way to the north boundary of the marshlands, he dug up an emergency cache. This included thirteen silver pieces-- less likely to provoke nosy questions than gold pieces-- and two small but well-done wood carvings. Entering Austreejuntzland, he could pass himself off as hoping to start a modest career peddling "his" artwork to Austreejuntzlanders. He even had a potential contact person: a young rake on the bottom tier of the upper class. John Weatherby had met Quicktrout a year and a half ago, when John had visited a border post for the fun of it, winning at a version of shooting dice with border watchers. The former mid-level castle official had ingratiated the Austreejuntzlander bachelor by introducing him to some attractive swampland girls who would consent to be very friendly with a well-to-do young man.

Today, Quicktrout was making a beeline for where he could hire a messenger to look for Mister Weatherby.

Meanwhile, back at the great castle, Steward Rawhide was exonerated, and acknowledged that he owed a life debt to the Elf lady from Ruffnekkia.
 
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The royal family of Austreejuntzland had a palace: not nearly as old or as large as Gloomenghast Castle, but cleaner and airier than the seat of the Gloom Dynasty. In Pitcherton Palace reigned Queen Juliet-Andrea the First, the orphaned only child of King Spencer the Fourth. "Spencer" had alternated with "Arnold" and "Malcolm," plus one Queen Winnifred and one Queen Elspeth, in the royal succession for many generations.

While Darden Quicktrout --he had made his common name a surname, to sound more normal-- was working his way north in search of John Weatherby, Queen Juliet-Andrea received a visitor from the land of Hultisna, which lay west of Tohaz: Count Peltovrik of Welskark, the wealthiest of all Hultisnar nobles below the "Duke" level. He had come to propose an unprecedented marriage alliance: not that Austreejuntzland and Hultisna were UN-friendly, but no high-level political marriage had ever occurred between the two realms.

When Peltovrik arrived in the audience chamber, after submitting graciously to being searched for weapons, he sat cross-legged in front of the throne dais. He had been notified of this custom in advance. A man occupying a floor on his backside cannot GET UP as quickly as a kneeling man in the typical single-knee position. Hence a difficulty for any visitor with hostile intent.

"May good fortune attend you coming and going, Your Grace of Welskark Fief. We are advised that you come with an honorable aim, to seek a way of deepening the friendship between Hultisna and Austreejuntzland. No fault can be found in your visit; it remains to be resolved if the suggested connubial alliance is in Our best interests. We invite you to speak freely; no ill interpretation shall be overlaid upon your overtures."

"I thank the gracious queen. Your Majesty's lofty and appealing merits are self-evident; therefore permit me to mention what is pragmatic. Austreejuntzland has no direct waterway to the Equatorial Ocean. Over ten generations have gone by since here was an strife between our kingdom and Tohaz. I know that the Tohazzites allow your merchants passage across their land, with only small tolls; but if that nation were suddenly assailed by seagoing foes, you as well as your northern neighbors would be stricken lame where sea lanes are concerned. In view of which, Your Majesty's mercantile community would be well served by enjoying clear passage to the ocean via my nation, IN ADDITION to the straight-line access."

* .. * .. * .. * .. * .. * .. * .. *

"Color-Sergeant, you're our best Jardekka speaker. Please ask the elders if they need any other provisions or equipment."

The Royal Austreejuntzlander Army, not counting reservists and purely defensive units, consisted of three dragoon brigades, each possessing a field artillery battery. The most senior commander in this force was General Cornell Brendan, a scion of the landed gentry but not a pampered scion. At the time when Count Peltovrik submitted his marriage proposal to Queen Juliet-Andrea, General Brendan's brigade was west-by -southwest of Austreejuntzland. Several nomadic tribes, similar to Great Plains Indians on Earth, circulated in the open country over that way; one among these, a tribe named Jardekka, was friendly to the Austreejuntzlanders.

A chain of signal posts, similar to the line of beacons in the movie of "Return of the King," provided the Jardekka with a way to call for aid. When they were threatened by a coalition of three hostile tribes, the Jardekka's call had brought General Brendan on the run. When engaging the enemy force, Brendan's tactical talent (plus having artillery) had kept casualties down on the defending side: only sixteen of Brendan's men, and fourteen Jardekka braves, had died in the engagement, against ninety-one of the aggressors killed and many more taken prisoner. The taking of hostages had cornered the enemy tribes into making long-term concessions.

We leave General Cornell Brendan in the field, efficiently wrapping things up. When we next look at Planet Punksteema, we'll see more of him, Quicktrout, Peltrovik of Hultisna, and the travelers back in Gloomenghast.
 
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(((((( Back in the Dune-based sub-reality, starting on the frontier world Bakwudza......

"Zorvita, switch to thermal imaging; there's got to be at least one unit still not accounted for. It's highly unlikely that those bots are advanced enough to change their own temperature to match their surroundings."

"Will do. Have the colonists extracted anything useful from the internal databanks of the disabled bots?"

"They probably have; but there's no such thing as too much intel."

The Ashtrayides space frigate Resolute Hound, captained by Ulysses Bardette with copilot Zorvita Feldon, was one of the non-clairvoyance-dependent starships lately put into service by Duke Stillneater's constitutional confederation, and was capable of cruising in atmosphere. It was doing so now, circling beyond the settlement known as Toehold: looking for any remaining hostiles. There were three classes of hostiles being mopped up:

> Evil Hotblood Matrons, led by Matron Koridmi who had previously been part of the assault on Planet Gumwad. They had lately been meddling on Planet Vojodren, from which an ancient Starhatch led to Bakwudza. They had accompanied the corrupt Mentalcat Piper Dizeeze, and the squad of battle droids he had created (>the second element), through the generated wormhole to the planet assaulted by the magical Wendigoes (>the third and worst element, originating outside the Dune-derived sub-universe).

Giles Magg, the Goulash clone of Duke Neato Ashtrayides, had fought on the front line-- rather, he had _been_ the front line-- against the cold-weather ogres, _and_ against Piper Dizeeze's automatons. Particularly against the Abominable Snowman-ish brutes, he had used his Quickness Force to shove them around and keep them off balance, until other good guys who had the means to _kill_ the monsters, did so.

Jebragoth, brave teenage boy from town of Toehold, and Henry Daikoza who had once almost been devoured by the hairy predators, helped as they could. The Resolute Hound, when first arriving, had delivered Captain Kracknuk with Ashtrayides warriors, equipped with incendiary ammunition which could kill a Wendigo.

Princess Gladiola, sister of Stillneater and granddaughter of Duke Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable, had come with Groan Starr and Vixen. Srirachian sub-chief Punchout was in on the battle too, leading desert warriors. They lacked flame weapons, but their personal shields could block the Wendigoes from getting at them. (Fortunately for the Fremen-counterparts, these monsters weren't sophisticated enough to figure out that a slow movement could pass through the shields.) Vixen and Gladiola did have burning weapons, while Groaner could shoot Fuss lightning and use a Fuss choke, either of which could slay a Wendigo.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the wormhole connection, the Mentalcat Bunkem Isotope and his wife Trala-Lalia landed on Vojodren from a Naughtygator jump-ship, accompanied by a battalion of Ashtrayides infantry from Planet Waterpark. Leaving most of these near the location of the Starhatch, the couple took the rest of them to the settlement now controlled by Narzississa and other Hotblood Matrons.

Not having used her telekinetically- controlled flying spoon in a long while, the sister of the late Paul Muddy-Drip now used it to bonk Narzississa and other Hotbloods on the head, stunning them and preventing them from using The Chatter. Bunkem and the rank-and-filers overpowered all settlers who had willingly collaborated with the usurpers. Once all hostiles were neutralized, Trala-Lalia asked Bunkem to get in communication with full-time residents all over the planet and ascertain whether any of them needed assistance. Happily, it turned out that the Hotbloods had not killed or brain-scrambled anyone here.

As a handy plotline convenience, two male Green Flashlights turned up. Not males who could be charmed by the beauty of a Hotblood Matron: Shimtuku who looked like an enormous cricket, and the crimson-skinned Plabdof who looked like a frog. Shimtuku and Plabdof could not loiter, because they needed to fly to Redundantworld in the Third Galaxy as reinforcements for the heroes there; but they could make a brief detour by way of Planet Wawa, dropping the villainesses there, so that the Janitors of the Universe would teach them that good is better than evil.
 
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Conditions being acceptable on the longer-inhabited planet, Bunkem and Trala left their soldiers on watch there, then used the Starhatch to zip over to Bakwudza. Sub-Chief Punchout met them at the other end, and gave them a summary of the concluded action.

Trala-Lalia fell silent, attempting a bit of Jalapeno- fueled clairvoyance. Bunkem left her to it, while he commenced his own human-computer procedure. Punchout knew enough about them to wait, unworried. Mentalcat cogitation being extremely rapid, Bunkem was first to speak, drawing the desert warrior aside so as not to disturb Trala.

"We know that those evil robots from pre-Calamari times were never fully wiped out by the Rootbeerian Crusade. You recall their sudden resurgence within recent years. You recall how heroes from outside of our sub-universe helped us against the robots. The surviving evil robots will not have forgotten the powerful allies we gained; so they won't want to show their hand prematurely. They're almost certainly aware of how those _other_ evil robots tried and failed to massacre the Bakwudzans. Based on my admittedly limited information, I expect them to make their move after an interval between fifteen and forty standard days."

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I remind the reader that Spacebullion scientists and engineers, once their society joined the side of good, were able to offer something especially helpful to star-hopping communities. Apart from Green Flashlights and other superheroes, it had been the norm for interstellar voyagers to depend on hyperspace applications (Dune-type space-folding counting as hyperspace use). Because of this, galactic travelers _weren't_ able to see what was >in< the normal space around their line of travel. _Only_ the "Ludicrous Velocity" power built into Spacebullion ships enabled starship crews passing lightspeed to see normal space continually, while keeping themselves just enough out of phase to avoid fatal collisions.

Rajah Ramrocket, a veteran spacer who had served with Slick "Dark Headgear" Mudpackis and Admiral Andy Blender on the old mega-mothership, had also followed Slick and Andy in the conversion to goodness. Whereas the redeemed Fuss user Slick was now firmly rooted on Planet Freesoil (married to the former Krayzee Fireflaw), Rajah had remained an astronaut first of all. He had become a "plankowner" in the design and building of a "world-saving dreadnought," with a mission exactly opposite from the old mega-mothership. A satisfactory _name_ for the super-warship had eluded the designers. For the indefinite future, the ship was called simply W.S.D.-One. Rajah and his crew had gained battle experience as a unit when helping Slick Mudpackis and other Freesoilers (including the Bazookadarans) to defeat evil Glukks from the Babylon Five-based story-reality.

The "Bubblewrap Five" sector had also given Rajah something positively good: a hairless (but mammalian and shapely) Goldarnit businesswoman called B'Taolo. Amid her many always- legitimate activities, she had been present to witness early stages in the dreadnought's construction. Without premeditation, she had gained Rajah's regard, then affection, then romantic love. On his road to emotional fulfillment, he had seen solid moral decency in her. The Bubblewrap Five story-realm, and the combined Star Wars / Spaceballs realm, both enabled fertile marriages between human and demi-human people. (Woodrow and Yessa Ackerman, a human married to a woman of the nocturnal Braykpedduli race, stood as a model example.) Rajah and B'Taolo, now husband and wife, were staying in touch with exobiologists, who were working out the best procedure for the two of them to produce viable sons and daughters.

To dispel any uncertainty in the minds of readers: yes, the Ramrockets and WSD-1 will get solidly worked into the Dune-parody narrative. Moreover, somebody would eventually consider the English letters in "WSD-1," and end up christening the warship Wisdom One.

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Previous to their sojourn on Vojodren, as has been told in these pages, Trala and Bunkem had spent some time on Stamnorgo, an ex-Imperial world whose inhabitants-- including Penny Jezebel Twitfloozie, who had been involved in creating the Goulash clone called Giles Magg-- had accepted the new constitutional monarchy headed by Duke Stillneater the Incorruptible. Trala and Bunkem had also observed some of the bear-headed centauroids from Planet Hoofmark assisting the locals in improving their educational system. The Hoofmarkians were sufficiently good-natured that they easily avoided frightening Stamnorgars who were unaccustomed to totally non-humanoid sapients.

It didn't hurt things that they would permit human children to ride on their backs.

Sheckmarosh of Hoofmark, the first Green Flashlight of his race, visited Stamnorgo after the Isotopes had left, to check up on his fellow centauroids.

The entire business on Vojodren and Bakwudza was wrapped up. However, due to the evil Mentalcat Piper Dizeeze having escaped by whatever plotline- convenient means, Mister and Missus Isotope welcomed the arrival by Naughtygator ship of the swordsman Count Havabeer with several of his martial-arts trainees. Havabeer having more than enough battlefield experience, Trala asked him to assume command of the soldiers guarding both ends of the Vojodren-Bakwudza wormhole. The Janitors of the Universe, meanwhile, became alert to the resurgence of genocidal robots; accordingly, they redirected Sheckmarosh to join Havabeer as a big gun for protection.

And then, Copperfox went to bed, hoping not to scramble who was where when he returned to writing.

) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )

Many days before anything else in this post, Valluree and Vallurah, nieces of Alec Hurdygurdy, had come to Pointfar flying the non-Jalapeno-guided ship Careful Hand, bringing Hadrianus Tolpin from Chimpanzia. I remind readers that Hadrianus is a developer of transportation resources for his planet, studying what various human populations had achieved. The two sisters, for their part, were promoting constitutional government a-la Duke Stillneater Ashtrayides the Incorruptible.

Major Jedfarzor, a soldier of the long-armed Ziblamot race from Planet Blamtet in the Andromeda Galaxy, was around someplace. Years ago, he had played a role in overthrowing the tyrant Vernacula Scurvylaff; soon, he would be given more things to do in The Never-Stopping Story.

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I remind my readers that the battle-bots who had joined the Wendigoes in attacking Bakwudzans were a very recent design. The Dune-based narrative is like the Halo-based narrative, insomuch as both storyverses were brought into story-existence _after_ a presumed backstory of many centuries' length. In the Heyho reality, the "Preliminary" aliens had never actually existed; and in the Jalapeno-Empire; the Rootbeerian Crusade against evil robots had never actually happened. Good guys and bad guys in the Heyho narrative believed their background to be real until they learned otherwise; the same applied to groups like House Ashtrayides and House Snarkonnen, whose genuine existence went back only a handful of generations.

All of this, however, did not change the fact that villains like Mister Tectonic and the evil robot 90003-68718 were genuine threats to all actually- living characters who were now experiencing a genuine existence.
 
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Among all the narrative plates I have spinning, I seem compelled to say that Hotblood Matron Koridmi is among numerous wrongdoers who have been placed under arrest by Giles Magg and other good guys as applicable. Major Takamura Jamison, formerly based on the Imperial world Lousy Sekondhanstor, saw how the wind was blowing, and retreated to Planet Fectalim. He was joined there by other ex-Calamari soldiers, and by evil-aligned Mentalcats and Lazytaxies.

One of the Mentalcats, named Einsbagelstein, had intriguing news for Takamura:

"We've been able to spy enough on the pro-Ashtrayides faction to gather a fair outline of their progress _outside_ of our own sub-reality. We've almost perfected the reproduction of their fascinating retroactive time-scanning technology; and because there _are_ sapients within our galactic sector who bring outside influence, we're collecting hints of totally alien societies."

Though not cerebrally enhanced, Major Jamison was smarter than the average human. "Master Einsbagelstein, are any of those far-away aliens _aware_ of you reconnoitering them?"

"Yes: a totally non-human sapient, of a species called 'Zidmorig,' individually named 'Swibsep,' was researching comms gear from some uber-ancient folks in his own sub-reality; and something he was using had much better translation potential than the equipment I'm using. Here, I'll show you." The Mentalcat activated a holographic emitter. The Major beheld a long, low-slung body: multi-limbed but vertebrate. "Swibsep and others of his race, the Zidmorigs, collaborate with some like-minded, vaguely humanoid brutes; all of them believe in solid, centralized authority, as we do.

"A while back, Zidmorigs plundered a science facility on Oopleth, a world with near-human inhabitants. The technology they swiped was what enabled them to detect my probing and react. Neither side here needs to trespass on the other side's territory, the galaxy's big enough to let both of us prosper."

Nodding, Takamura Jamison asked: "Is there enough intel to suggest what _they_ could offer to >us< in an alliance?"

"I think so. Their sub-universe has much wider use of robotics, because they never faced the existential menace which compelled our branch of humanity to start the Rootbeerian Crusade. I think we could offer them improved starflight potential, and they could enable us to dominate and rein in the surviving evil robots in our own space."

The evil robot called 90003-68718 had no inkling yet of the prospect that it might soon be forced to obey humans after all.
 
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NEXT, A RETURN TO EARTH-WHICHEVER IS IN ORDER.

The minor-league magic-user calling himself Blues Trauma had briefly worked with the mostly-depowered Twerpseid. When the major-league magic-user Ickylinn removed Twerpseid to work with her on the border of the Heyhoverse, the former monarch of Awkwardlisp had at least left Mister Trauma with one helpful compact artifact: a single-use pain generator. This could make the difference if Blues needed to evade heroes. After their parting, Blues got together with Triad gang members who understood that he could help them to avoid arrest.

Blues found a kindred spirit in one of the oldest Triad chiefs, a man with the nickname of "Upside-Down Leopard." The reason for this alias was that he always found unusual ways of looking at problems. Like everyone else on Earth-Whichever, Upside-Down Leopard had learned more about space aliens than he ever wanted to know. During Trauma's explanation of the nerve-torturing weapon, the older man suddenly interjected:

"I believe that the galactic supreme chairman counted on you to be clever enough to realize for yourself how to derive the most benefit from his concealable torture device. If we study it well, instead of expending it in one shot on some isolated evasion maneuver, we can figure out how to create more like it, getting our people out of many tight scrapes."

Blues Trauma's eyebrows rose. "I confess that, for being a spell-caster, I've been guilty of thinking small."

"Peace, young friend. Everyone on what we have learned is only one form of the Earth, is trying to catch up with alien marvels. This acquisition will make us bigger players in the competition."

"But does the Triad possess good enough engineers?"

Upside-Down Leopard grinned. "I have heard of a man in Africa......"

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The Heart Sapphire sister Vilkarezdu, attractive if you could get past her cyclopean single eye, had taken a strong, sincere liking to Kahilu Baloval, the Angolan technopath. His ability to make devices and machines do what he wanted would cover functions quite different from her use of energy constructs.

Neither one in this oddly-paired couple was planning anything wicked. Many residents of this Earth-variant knew about the disruption which Heart Sapphires had inflicted on Jersey Earth. Vilkarezdu had attached herself to Kahilu's thriving mechanical-repair business, like a foreign investor getting in on a promising local company. His excellent reputation facilitated the alien woman being accepted by Angolans-- which, in turn, reinforced the Sapphire Sister's growing feelings for the practical genius. When she wasn't draped over the man she was coming to love, she alternated between levitating heavy objects Kahilu needed to move and creating food for needy people in villages.

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------- I remind readers that, when Trippenwonk invaded Earth-Whichever, his conquest force included demihuman and near-human female warriors, called War Witches. These are my loose equivalent of Darkseid's Furies in DC stories; but my War Witches don't possess Wonder Woman-level power; they are only about twice as strong as an athletic true human. The character of Litzelga, now married to a human veterinarian, is an example. Another example, Tarvili Drifla, belongs to the same race as my version of Admiral Thrawn in Star Wars canon. Tarvili is married to Emangu Kavat, a Native Ostralian. (Australia on Earth-Whichever is the same country, only pronounced differently.)

Many War Witches have been converted to goodness, just as many Heart Sapphires learned better sense after their planetwide blunder on Jersey Earth. Vilkarezdu, Tarvili and Litzelga all are examples of powerful women falling truly in love with relatively-weak human males because the women are in awe of the men's wisdom and goodness.

Of the multiple races from which "Granny Rudeness" enlisted War Witches, the least similar to full humans are a race whose legs are articulated like the legs of Satyrs and Fauns. From the waist up, they are indistinguishable from Earthlings. The Communist Chinese government on Earth-Whichever had the advantageous opportunity to alter Chinese military women genetically, causing the survivors of the experiment to possess the strength (and the change in limbs) of those War Witches.

As we continue, you are advised that the Triad gangsters with whom Blues Trauma has joined up are interested in this anatomical transformation.

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At a Triad safe house, one of Upside-Down Leopard's henchwomen awakened Blues Trauma in his assigned guest room. "Third Master desires you to know that the chosen deserter has been extracted. Her name is Wa Dim-Sing. Her false death went as planned, her tracks are covered. Third Master will pay her well as a consultant."

Blues Trauma nodded in a "Sure, of course" way when he saw Dim-Sing's clothing. Of course, her trousers and shoes were tailored to accommodate her very different ankle-and-foot anatomy.

The gang leader gave his proper name when introduced to the human-to-demihuman changeling. "I am Tao Dak-Chun. I am assured that you were given a chance to decline our invitation without adverse consequences to yourself."

She nodded. "The epic events I have already lived and witnessed, with what all of humanity on this form of Earth has experienced, have rendered it almost ordinary for me to join this Triad. Your assistant informs me that you intend to create male bird-foot people. This, perhaps, reveals your hope of suborning more of Beijing's existing bird-foot women."

"If possible, Miss Wa. And in the best case, bird-footed couples can raise children who can be designed to be superb kickers like you."

Now Dim-Sing looked at Blues Trauma. "May I ask what function you perform?"

"You know that the events of the Trippenwonk War proved the reality of magic, as in the very existence of Golden Rakshasa and Flying Elephant. My new career is to give the Triad its own arcane resource."
 
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EVERYBODY ASSUME THAT BLUES TRAUMA AND HIS NEW BUDDIES WILL EVENTUALLY LOCATE KAHILU.

Enough time had passed in the Iowa of Earth-Whichever since I last peeked there, that the multiple-style martial arts school supported by two kung-fu superheroes was prosperous and very popular. Master Kam and Mistress Bao felt entitled to return to the motherland for a week or more.

At the civic airport in Guangdong, the couple were met by one of Bao's Tai Chi students, a woman called Luo Shai-Fin. The hero-couple's children had flown back to China sooner than their parents, had spent the interval with Shai-Fin, who was like an aunt to them, and were with her now. As the children clung to their mother, Shai-Fin quietly told the Tiger-style father:

"Our contacts in the national police have been investigating the possible presence in China of a magic-user. Ever since the Trippenwonk War, nobody disbelieves in the supernatural. Not much information yet, but your spirit powers should be able to tackle a sorcerer."

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The return of the great kung-fu couple was not unnoticed by the Triads. Tao Dak-Chun, alias Upside-Down Leopard, soon met privately with Blues Trauma and Wa Dim-Sing. The magician had divined that Master Kam and Mistress Bao intended to participate in an official investigation of his occult operations.

The bird-footed enhanced woman told Blues: "I know everything that Kam and Bao did in the defense against Trippenwonk. They both have psionic talents. Mistress Bao can redirect beams, lightning, flame attacks, bullets or thrown rocks-- provided she is alert and consciously willing her protective energy to operate. It's uncertain whether she can fend off a magic spell which doesn't act like shooting at her: say, a sleep spell. Master Kam goes on the offense, shooting a chi-power blast. And if innocent people get in his line of fire, his energy passes through them without harming them."

The next day, the four covert evildoers received a dramatic reminder that people on Earth-Whichever and people on "Urth" knew of the existence of each other's Earth-variants. In an open-air courtyard, Blues Trauma had only fifteen seconds' foreknowledge to enable him to shout to his allies: "Someone magical is about to materialize out here! I sense that she is not hostile to us!"

The others reached the open space a moment after the newcomer arrived: a tall, astonishingly beautiful Mexican woman, whose hair actually moved around by her will, just like the Inhuman called Medusa in Marvel Comics.

She was talking in Spanish to Blues Trauma, who could speak that tongue.

"I am called La Bruja Resbalosa. 'Resbalosa' is the least-metahuman part of my special talents. I can evade being grasped or struck, in a manner which you would think of as a 'soft' martial style. Beyond this, I can learn quickly how mystical artifacts work." She let them see the small mirror she carried. "I can also sense if some person has extraordinary powers. You--" (she gestured toward Tao Dak-Chun) "--are not by any stretch a magic-user, but highly intelligent." She turned toward Blues Trauma. "You, of course, are the spell-caster here." Finally, stepping toward Wa Dim-Sing: "Meaning no offense--"

"None taken. I imagine you perceive that my alteration derives from entirely scientific measures."

"Yes, and I don't underestimate non-magical science. Back on my Urth, an extremely powerful telepath, named Charles Crazier, is not embarrassed to supplement his inherent power through the use of a purely scientific invention. And he has been a _serious_ thorn in the side of us who live unburdened by the strictures of unrealistic morality."
 
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I now review the roster of the Thumpercolts, and of characters connected with them:

Two scientists who were not super themselves were vital to the creation of this adventure team. Bryce Donner is Bruce Banner if Bruce never turned into the Hulk. He has a cousin, Jasmine Waterford, who was never anything like the original character of Jennifer Walters in Marvel Comics-- but similar in spirit to the self-centered, abrasive revision of She-Hulk on streaming television. Jasmine, before her own close brush with death, had also been a lot fatter and uglier in her non-Hulkish form than the star of the streaming series, let alone the mega-foxy and good- natured original She-Hulk in the comics.

Jasmine's Hulk-ification was destined to transform her into a woman every bit as kind-hearted as the Marvel Comics heroine. But before the transformation, Jasmine's hatred of America had led her to visit the Soviet Union. Earth-Whichever's version of the Soviet Union was less cruel and oppressive than its template on Original Earth, and a female military officer there, Irina Beriya, was destined to prove greatly helpful with Jasmine's change into a true equivalent of Marvel Comics' (not Disney's!) purely likeable She-Hulk. The crisis of Trippenwonk's invasion was to bring these women more closely together, in a besties- friendship fit to last for life.

Overlapping these events was my takeoff on the history of the Fantastic Four. The spaceship disaster which would produce metahumans was much more disastrous here than in the comics. The counterparts of Reed Richards and Benjamin Grimm died in the crash, leaving only my counterparts of Susan and Johnny Storm. In yet another departure, the siblings each received the power the other one received in Marvel canon. "Woman Torch" was destined to have many adventures on her own, before finding a worthy super- powered husband in an X-Men-derived mutant from an obscure Earth-variant. "Unfindable Man" found his own life-mate much sooner: none other than the Exquisite She-Hunk.

The above-named heroes were not government personnel, though Bryce Donner was associated with my version of contractor Tony Stark. Eventually, a public-sector hero-team was created, thanks to a U.S. Army Chief who had never seen combat on the front lines: General Timothy Moss. During the invasion from Planet Awkwardlisp, Moss had coordinated the defense of the American Midwest. Not on the front lines; but in fairness to him, somebody had to follow the big picture and prioritize the deployment of units.

Later, keenly aware of superheroes who didn't answer to him, he began inconspicuously researching potential superheroes. Over time, with some input from Bryce Donner, he identified four promising candidates for a "proper" hero-squad.

His first find was "in house": a smart 40-ish woman in the defense community's administrative side. Cadenza Mundayne looked like actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and was in superb health. She was constitutionally well suited for enhancements to her stamina, reaction time, and cognitive ability. She became able to learn in a flash all the skills and strengths of people she observed. This brought her the code name of "Bashmistress;" any opponent needed to possess uncommon advantages in order to defeat her in combat. She did need to observe something for her own special talent to kick in. If Bruce Lee had existed in this reality, standing still and revealing nothing, he could have delivered his "one-inch punch" with decisive effect before she could counter in any way; but given a chance to track his moves, she would have had a serious chance of beating him.

A sort of opposite number was a ground-warfare veteran, John Hiker. There was a really strange quirk in him. He was better at close- quarters fighting than practically any non-superized man alive..... but his nervous system tripped up if he faced a woman hand to hand. This made him a punching bag for narcissistic women who wanted to believe they were goddesses. At least half of the reason for designing him this way was that Bashmistress could watch him take on adversaries, and thus get the best use of her skill-acquiring talent.

The other female on the team was a Central Asian mystic and organic chemist, Nabila bint-Faisal. She could not exactly cast magic spells, but she could create a fascinating variety of sprays, powders, oils and potions which had magical effects. For instance, she could manufacture a magic dust that could form a line which no demonic being could cross. Nabila received the hero-name of Alchemistress.

Last of the four to come on board was an irritating mercenary rogue named Walt Welldunn, who had been treated for cancer in Switzerland by a certain Doctor Henry Steinenfranck. Walt thus became the self-regenerating metahuman Dirtypool. There absolutely was not any absurd rubbish about him being 100 percent unkillable, about his original self being restored complete with all memories if one body cell remained; but he was very difficult to kill. Accordingly, Doctor Steinenfranck had caused a virus to be created which could unstoppably consume Dirtypool if he became seriously disobedient.

Given this array of talent, the Thumpercolts had needed only for the General to become Red Chunk, about two and a half times as strong as She-Hunk. By various means, the public had been prevented from realizing that Red Chunk was Timothy Moss. There was even a robot copy of Red Chunk, not very strong but visually convincing, which had been allowed to walk around in front of spectators at the first three Thumpercolts public appearances, with the General conspicuously present, watching. So the secret seemed unassailable; now the team just needed a mission to succeed at and gain international prestige from.

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Roby Doby, alias Fighting Machine, right-hand man to Stony "Iron Gent" Stork, had (like Stony) kept himself informed about the Thumpercolts; but he was not needed to do anything with or for them. At the present moment in this particular plot arc, Roby was in the Ostralian outback, at the native town where Kuparr Daku dwelt. Many of the black townsfolk Roby encountered were among those whom the Dreamtime Chieftain had saved from being Awkwardlispian Pukedemons.

One of these was a woman called Theda Crispin: bearing a white-style name but mostly Aborigine by blood. "Mister Doby!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "You don't know me, but my brother Leonard was one of the involuntary Pukedemons. Human as ever now; he and his wife have two sons, besides the two daughters they had before his temporary monster-hood. My nieces are old enough to think about careers; am I right that Stork Enterprises offers technical-curriculum scholarships?"

"We certainly do," Roby confirmed. This conversation was destined to lead, not only to good prospects for Theda's nieces, but also to Theda and Roby having good prospects for dating at least, and potentially for marriage.
 
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There will be more action on Earth-Whichever, after I decide what new threats to devise for the heroes there.

GLADLY RETURNING NOW to the Heyho Storyverse! Loose narrative threads have lain around there long enough.
THE FOLLOWING SCENE takes place on whatever planet it's reasonable for it to happen on; it _doesn't_ happen on Heyho Earth, nor on Planet Stretch, though some characters have come >to< this world from Stretch. Neither Carolyn Fallacy, nor Mister Tectonic, nor Earth President Jackman Hughes nor Sorceress Ickylinn is on the planet where current action proceeds, nor do they have any idea _what_ is happening on said planet.

Kind of like Sauron fatally failing to notice that Frodo and Samwise were starting to sneak up the slope of Mount Doom.

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"You've waited long enough, kid," scientist Taggart Jekkyl murmured to the highly lifelike female android body. On the verge of being downloaded _into_ this body, the sentient A/I named Cortexa looked once more at Johnny-747 with virtual eyes.

"I love you, Johnny. I will _continue loving you as long as I live in _any_ sort of existence. And very shortly, I'll be literally, materially _kissing_ you."

"Then you will love him _eternally,_ because Heaven is real," said Lodratrid Guft, the hobbit-sized Fuss up-sider.

"I've only recently begun to grasp the concept of Heaven," interjected the extremely furry Shareep Jogtip, daughter of Doyo Jogtip, the Yettisquatch governor of the vitally-important Planet Stretch: the same planet where Lodratrid and her friends had shared adventures with Jacob Mossyhutch, the valiant Major Chief. Shareep had assisted Taggart-- who _hated_ being called "Doctor Jekkyl," since the novel about that character existed on Heyho Earth (simply "Earth" to him and to Johnny). She postponed completing her thought, as everyone waited for the android body to get up, waited for it to >be< Cortexa henceforth and always.

Zubdookree, the tall, birdlike Jedi-equivalent from the Republic of Lots of Worlds, was close enough to being clergy. "Cortexa-747, Johnny-747, that will do until you come up with an agreed-upon conventional naming; Snack, Noherra and I have explained enough to you about human love and commitment." Once Cortexa stood upright, flung her arms around the Master Champ's neck and squashed her lifelike mouth against his, Zubdookree crooned: "Under the auspices of the Up-Side Fellowship, I proclaim you to be husband and wife. You know where the bridal suite is."

Everyone left the newlyweds to it. Maybe it was only their imagination that the building had begun to shake. Karbeena Owtfeeld, the feral near-human beauty from the Babylon Five-based sub-reality, drew alongside Noherra Salad of the Tryyurluck race, Copperfox's counterpart of Hera Syndulia in "Star Wars: Rebels." Noherra had already been married for some time to my equivalent of Zack Allen in "Babylon Five." Karbeena, who finally was getting to be comfortable with niceness and friendliness, went so far as to hug Noherra-- whose head-tails lightly patted the other woman's forearms in response.

"All right, Noherra, I understand that this good-aligned sorcerer Blackboots or whatever considered it important to make sure that Johnny and Cortexa could get to a good start. So important that he could allow Heyho Earth to creep closer to disaster while making sure the wedding was not spoiled by anything."

The green woman smiled. "My impression of Hector von Bootblack is that, for whichever ones of us will go to the Earth capital, he can and will calculate how much local time-reversal he can get away with. He'll make us appear in the Melbourne, Australia of this reality-zone, maybe even while that outsider witch is with Earth-President Hughes."

******************************

Hector von Bootblack delivered a favorable setup. Zubdookree, Snack, Noherra and Karbeena were transported to Heyho Earth, and were met in the capital by Shilkovim, a computer-literate female of the lumpish Bonkalub race. With her was her acquaintance Kuo Pai-Mong, a man who had worked with Carolyn Fallacy on Planet Stretch. As a crowning touch, Hector caused Sergeant-Major Avery Thompson of the Space Marines to be there too. Avery was carrying one of the tuning-fork weapons which were now integrated into the arsenal of human and human-friendly races. Hector was confident that well-directed sonic vibrations, especially if unanticipated, would make it hard for a magic-user like Ickylinn to muster her spells.

Knowing who Zubdookree was, Avery asked her, "Have you been with Master Champ? With Cortexa? Did that Isaac Asimov-style of lifelike robot body for Cortexa work out?"

The tall Fuss up-sider nodded her beaked head. "Worked out as perfectly as those two could ever ask for. Cortexa's new physical form operates fabulously; she can _both_ receive and give pleasure. Taggart will oversee producing a single-source, growing-from- infancy clone of Johnny; and his son _will_ also enjoy heredity from Cortexa, by having some of her knowledge downloaded into his brain."

"Down to business," Shilkovim admonished. "I'll tell you what I know of this metahuman woman's movements. I understand that you can't read people's thoughts point by point, but you can _locate_ people."

"And I can ruin their day," said Avery Thompson.
 
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In an official residence on Planet Stretch, Doctor Carolyn Fallacy was, cough cough, not attired formally. Neither was Tyrone Glass Nielsen, alias Mister Tectonic. The overseer of Crackshot enhancements, the concept-leader for Muledeer armor, was purring her version of "Talk dirty to me." As she clung to him, he indulged her with his professorial aphorisms:

"There is no plan or purpose in evolution, but the will of the universe expertly plans the functions of life-forms."

"Oh yes yes yes, darling."

"Good and evil are imaginary, but atheism is the inspiring light of justice and wisdom."

"I'm dying in your arms tonight......"

"The courageous loyalty of the Crackshots and other military personnel is inspiring, but one culture is as good as any other."

"Never leave me! I'm yours forever!"

"I promise always to love you, because fidelity and commitment are part of the moldy traditions which hold us back from progress."

"Whatever! You can recite a vehicle repair manual to me, and I'll adore you....."

Within sight of their lodging, a human and a former human-hater were trying to get seen. Standing in their way were soldiers of the Galactic Army. I remind my readers that the distinction of "Army" here, as contrasted with "Marines," was that the Army performed almost all of its operational activities on the _surfaces_ of planets.

"Identify yourselves," an overaged corporal ordered them. His eyes were upon the nonhuman visitor: a Skankbelly, about half again the mass of an athletic human, with sideways mandibles outside his mouth: One of several who had reached out for good-faith negotiations. "Zafnast, third interlocutor of the Ex-Congregation protectorate. You surely know the human female beside me: Rhonda Pilsner, a civilian physician."

Rhonda had once treated Zafnast for injuries incurred when followers of Apishbox, refusing to make peace with humans, had attacked Zafnast and his comrades. By now, Rhonda no more minded the Skankbelly standing near her than she would have worried about a human farmer.

************************

While Rhonda and Zafnast are cooling their heels, let us hop over to one of the outlying hamlets being rebuilt. There we find Quidproko, a squirrel-shaped Efrachiktu scholar who has figured in earlier scenes. The last time we saw Quidproko, he was introducing Jacob "Major Chief" Mossyhutch to a clone of a version of Stevie Ray Vaughan, the greatest _white_ blues musician of all time.

I remind the readers that, very early in the Spacebullies epic, I decided there was a version of Earth which was _very_ similar to Original Earth: like, having no native super-beings. "Music Earth" was notable for its nearly complete duplication of True Earth singers and composers. The duplicates of real-world celebrities just went by their True Earth names-- but had a strong tendency to choose healthier lifestyles and thus live longer. For instance, Jimi Hendrix on that Earth-variant had lived _decades_ longer than the Jimi Hendrix we've heard of.

_Finally_ I can tie up this narrative detail. I have said long ago that the ridiculous "gravity gun" carried by Jacob Mossyhutch would send its deadly pellets racing all over the universe. One such pellet had passed through the atmosphere of Music Earth; had non-fatally grazed the Stevie Ray Vaughan of that Earth, and thus had carried a genetic sample of the singer- guitarist around the universe. At some plotline- convenient moment, the pellet had come into the possession of some Dune-based Lazytaxies. These men had grown a Goulash clone of the blues genius, had accelerated his growth to adulthood, and had stashed him someplace to re-learn his own adult life.

Enough, just now, to remind readers that that _many_ Naughtygators, Lazytaxies, Face Twisters and Penny Jezebels had begun coming over to the side of good after Duke Stillneater Ashtrayides escaped from being trapped into the False-Gold Path. So to keep things moving onward, I inform you that the swiftly- maturing New Stevie had enjoyed solid popularity with civilized people in the former Jalapeno Empire. At a suitable point, Trala-Lalia of the Spoon had psychically divined that the "extra" Stevie Ray Vaughan could serve an honorable purpose in a different sub-universe. Accordingly, New Stevie, complete with an Ashtrayides-type guitar, was transported to join the good guys on Planet Stretch, courtesy of some reformed Naughtyators.

Only, with one detour, which will be explained.
 
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Ickylinn had Jackman Hughes in a meek puppy-dog state. In fairness to him, the President of Heyho Earth could have put up serious resistance to the wicked witch's control, if he had realized in advance that there _would_ be a magical attack on his free will. But because the "Halo" game was designed on coldly materialistic premises, the Earth-variant based on it offered no specifically _spiritual_ fortitude to its living, breathing characters. President Hughes would have gallantly faced raygun fire if he had known there was cause to do so; but he had never imagined himself being enchanted by a beautiful spell-caster.

As it was, he didn't think of himself as failing in his duty when he told her:

"Here's a project which that high-and-mighty Doctor Fallacy knows nothing about. She does know about the new shields we've provided, to fly along with our ships at a remove, so that warships of The Varnished will need to consume the shields first before they can strike our actual ships, thus giving _our_ Navy more opportunities to get missiles through to hit the aliens."

"That sounds impressive enough," Ickylinn assured him, amid unceasing caresses. "But there's more?"

President Hughes became frisky again, which his new girlfriend did not rebuff. When he was ready to talk business once more, he resumed:

"Some of our Navy experts urged our non-human scientists, including our tame Sankasselum, to work on ways to use the aggressors' obsession with plasma weapons against them. The friendly aliens have delivered. One by one, our space combatant vessels are being provided with a new capability. They will be able to generate magnetic traps, which will _swallow_ incoming plasma barrages."

Ickylinn was aware that magic could be adapted to defeat opposing magic; even that one mage's spell might somehow _use_ the energy of an opposing spell. After delivering several more kisses to the Earth President, she assumed a girlish, impressed tone of voice. "Then will your ships be able to shoot the same plasma back at the enemy?"

"No, but something just as good. Friendly ships using the magnetic traps effectively will not only survive the enemy barrage with no severe damage, but will be able to _feed_ the plasma into their own shipboard reactors, increasing propulsion endurance time at no fuel-consumption penalty. And by prolonging the survival of our ships in combat, we'll increase their ability to wear down hostile ships with our missiles."

***************************
Time to relate what "New Stevie" does before getting actively involved with events in the Heyhoverse.

In the Republic of Lots of Worlds, which was the most Star Wars-ish part of The Never-Stopping Story, people knew about the existence of other sub-realities. Master Drool of Upsydaisylon coordinated transportation for the blues singer to meet an up-sider who was also into blues music.

Master Moose Windchime, the husband of space pilot Melodica Windchime. Master Yoga-Rug, with his gift for long-distance communication, had notified Moose and Melodica that New Stevie would be delivered to Planet Kantpoo. When the talented Goulash clone arrived outside the Spacewalker house, Poormee Armadillo-Spacewalker was waiting for the visitor; with her were her children Duke and Dana, plus a handful of their Glugfin friends. Moose recounted how his music had weakened the eldritch fiend Kuth-Hula-Hoop. Presently he gave a demonstration for Stevie, a proper twelve-bar blues composition mocking villains:

Oh, the down-siders, they're the ones who really are dumb;
Yeah, the down-siders, they're the ones who really are dumb;
Try to wear a Fuss ring, get it stuck on their thumb.

Well, the down-siders want the good people to fail;
Yeah, the down-siders want the good people to fail;
They gotta repent, or they'll go to the eternal jail.

New Stevie's head was filled with inspiration to use his musical power as a force for the side of good.

Hector von Bootblack materialized, thanked Moose and Melodica for dropping by, conversed a while with the Spacewalker family, and then transported New Stevie to a selected location on Stretch. On the way, the good wizard said, "The Never-Stopping Story allows for some flip-flopping with names and descriptions. I believe that, when informed that you were a clone, you didn't want to disrespect the identity of True Earth's actual Stevie Ray Vaughn. Well, he's in The Good Place now, and you can assume his mantle."

The Goulash clone collected his thoughts for a moment, and scratched his head, but didn't do a James Dean impression. Sly reference to an old song. Then: "Is there a version of me, of him, of us on the Earth-variant you're assigning me to?"

"That Earth-variant is out of sync with Original Earth >or< with Music Earth. If they ever had a Stevie Ray Vaughan there, he's in a centuries-old past for them. But no, they didn't have one. I leave it to you to decide if you'll detail it with new acquaintances."
 
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Hector landed with Stevie at a spot where Jacob and Raquel would meet them. The native of Ringjonn Earth, a survivor of war against the horrid Postalfiends, and his wife who used to be a station cop on board Bubblewrap Five, had been advised by Drool of Upsydaisylon to expect the visitors. Stevie, however, was a little taken aback by seeing who else was with the Mossyhutches: the Hulk-size Highmaster Starterus, who like Zafnast had made peace with Humans. "No sweat, he's all right," Hector assured the cloned musician.

"Welcome to Stretch," rumbled Starterus. "My friends and I have been alerted to expect you."

"And," Raquel Delgado-Mossyhutch added, "you with the hat, we are informed that you share my husband's musical expertise."

Stevie doffed his hat to her. "From the little I've been told, the Major Chief and I occupy different musical wheelhouses. You, Jacob, go in for bold, manly ballads of heroism and virtue. For myself, my style does not belittle or scoff at lofty chivalry, but it does acknowledge the _existence_ of the nagging negatives in life."

Hector von Bootblack left them to it. Assume that the two singers, and those with them, will confer offstage about their potential role in preserving stability on Stretch. I need to see how "Mister Tectonic" is getting on.

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Developing the Redundantworld War demands a visit to Anoxia.

She-Wow is busy trying to reform evildoers in her custody. Maybe show Interrupta welcoming Winkyblue back for more crying.
 
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