Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

[Copperfox]

Around the same time as events in the previous post, Brewster of Goliad rambled outside the castle, mingling with peasants and asking polite questions. Gloomenghast being much less isolated than its literary template, even many of the menials knew some words from the tongues of nearby countries. Brewster had also intentionally acquired some well-chosen Gloomenghaster words, like "where," "inside" and "outside." The condensed substance of his conversations would be roughly like this.....

BREWSTER: Do you have poisonous reptiles hereabouts?

LOCALS: Not near the castle, nor near the working-class population centers. More than a thousand years ago, our people began to encourage the nesting of birds which would prey upon the reptiles. The remaining dangerous lizards and snakes learned to avoid humans.

BREWSTER: Yes, reptiles are smarter than most people realize. // You obviously can't mine any metallic ores in the marshland. Do you purchase metal objects outside your kingdom's boundaries?

LOCALS: Yes. You may already have heard that our carvers do very well at selling their artwork to outsiders. Very early in our history, our people did mine and smelt ore from unsettled outside areas. That resource was all used up centuries ago; but by then, some of our people had found well-paying labor in Datsunsel and in Rosterzeeland, Hustelbeenor, Zeebeeland, Bossamossland-- I mean the next country north of us.

BREWSTER: My companions and I don't hear anything of evil supernatural beings preying upon your people. Does it happen at all?

LOCALS: Fortunately, the Mellow Druids frequented this region in the past, and they left an enduring power against evil. That is, there are evil things, but we Gloomenghasters are never assailed by monsters that we absolutely cannot fight by ourselves. Also, spiritually-strong heroes from Shangri-Blah have periodically come around here over the centuries, seeming to know miraculously when we needed help the most.

BREWSTER: I've sampled mild alcoholic beverages here. Some stuff in the castle, I know, was imported, but some was locally produced.

LOCALS: The local products are made either from shadowgold fruit, or from vegetables we have which resemble potatoes.

BREWSTER: Are some of your fabrics made by pounding the fibers out of tree bark?

LOCALS: So they are, and even shoes.

* .. * .. * .. * .. * .. * .. * .. *

Meanwhile, Quicktrout caught wind of Gwazpor teaching self-defense moves to Rawhide. He saw an opportunity here. At the soonest opportunity, he "casually" told Queen Zatruga that he "suspected" hostility from Rawhide against Master Chef Gimshelter. Next, when opportunity presented itself, he stole a knife belonging to the Steward.

The cunning young man created an alibi for himself by going outside the walls on a supposed errand--but promptly returning unnoticed, through a plotline-convenient secret passage. Shortly thereafter, he sneaked up on Gimshelter and laid the fat bully's throat open like slicing a loaf of bread. He saw no problem in leaving Rawhide's knife on the scene, because no one in this part of Planet Punksteema had invented the science of checking fingerprints.

When the ruckus over Gimshelter's death began, talk arose about asking Veevalamora to cast a spell to determine who was the culprit. But Quicktrout was quick to realize his omission, and fled the castle before the Elf could even begin to ferret him out.

But the ambitious young man was nothing if not concerned with emergency plans. On his way to the north boundary of the marshlands, he dug up an emergency cache. This included thirteen silver pieces-- less likely to provoke nosy questions than gold pieces-- and two small but well-done wood carvings. Entering Austreejuntzland, he could pass himself off as hoping to start a modest career peddling "his" artwork to Austreejuntzlanders. He even had a potential contact person: a young rake on the bottom tier of the upper class. John Weatherby had met Quicktrout a year and a half ago, when John had visited a border post for the fun of it, winning at a version of shooting dice with border watchers. The former mid-level castle official had ingratiated the Austreejuntzlander bachelor by introducing him to some attractive swampland girls who would consent to be very friendly with a well-to-do young man.

Today, Quicktrout was making a beeline for where he could hire a messenger to look for Mister Weatherby.

Meanwhile, back at the great castle, Steward Rawhide was exonerated, and acknowledged that he owed a life debt to the Elf lady from Ruffnekkia.

 

[Copperfox]

The royal family of Austreejuntzland had a palace: not nearly as old or as large as Gloomenghast Castle, but cleaner and airier than the seat of the Gloom Dynasty. In Pitcherton Palace reigned Queen Juliet-Andrea the First, the orphaned only child of King Spencer the Fourth. "Spencer" had alternated with "Arnold" and "Malcolm," plus one Queen Winnifred and one Queen Elspeth, in the royal succession for many generations.

While Darden Quicktrout --he had made his common name a surname, to sound more normal-- was working his way north in search of John Weatherby, Queen Juliet-Andrea received a visitor from the land of Hultisna, which lay west of Tohaz: Count Peltovrik of Welskark, the wealthiest of all Hultisnar nobles below the "Duke" level. He had come to propose an unprecedented marriage alliance: not that Austreejuntzland and Hultisna were UN-friendly, but no high-level political marriage had ever occurred between the two realms.

When Peltovrik arrived in the audience chamber, after submitting graciously to being searched for weapons, he sat cross-legged in front of the throne dais. He had been notified of this custom in advance. A man occupying a floor on his backside cannot GET UP as quickly as a kneeling man in the typical single-knee position. Hence a difficulty for any visitor with hostile intent.

"May good fortune attend you coming and going, Your Grace of Welskark Fief. We are advised that you come with an honorable aim, to seek a way of deepening the friendship between Hultisna and Austreejuntzland. No fault can be found in your visit; it remains to be resolved if the suggested connubial alliance is in Our best interests. We invite you to speak freely; no ill interpretation shall be overlaid upon your overtures."

"I thank the gracious queen. Your Majesty's lofty and appealing merits are self-evident; therefore permit me to mention what is pragmatic. Austreejuntzland has no direct waterway to the Equatorial Ocean. Over ten generations have gone by since here was an strife between our kingdom and Tohaz. I know that the Tohazzites allow your merchants passage across their land, with only small tolls; but if that nation were suddenly assailed by seagoing foes, you as well as your northern neighbors would be stricken lame where sea lanes are concerned. In view of which, Your Majesty's mercantile community would be well served by enjoying clear passage to the ocean via my nation, IN ADDITION to the straight-line access."

* .. * .. * .. * .. * .. * .. * .. *

"Color-Sergeant, you're our best Jardekka speaker. Please ask the elders if they need any other provisions or equipment."

The Royal Austreejuntzlander Army, not counting reservists and purely defensive units, consisted of three dragoon brigades, each possessing a field artillery battery. The most senior commander in this force was General Cornell Brendan, a scion of the landed gentry but not a pampered scion. At the time when Count Peltovrik submitted his marriage proposal to Queen Juliet-Andrea, General Brendan's brigade was west-by -southwest of Austreejuntzland. Several nomadic tribes, similar to Great Plains Indians on Earth, circulated in the open country over that way; one among these, a tribe named Jardekka, was friendly to the Austreejuntzlanders.

A chain of signal posts, similar to the line of beacons in the movie of "Return of the King," provided the Jardekka with a way to call for aid. When they were threatened by a coalition of three hostile tribes, the Jardekka's call had brought General Brendan on the run. When engaging the enemy force, Brendan's tactical talent (plus having artillery) had kept casualties down on the defending side: only sixteen of Brendan's men, and fourteen Jardekka braves, had died in the engagement, against ninety-one of the aggressors killed and many more taken prisoner. The taking of hostages had cornered the enemy tribes into making long-term concessions.

We leave General Cornell Brendan in the field, efficiently wrapping things up. When we next look at Planet Punksteema, we'll see more of him, Quicktrout, Peltrovik of Hultisna, and the travelers back in Gloomenghast.

 

[Copperfox]

(((((( Back in the Dune-based sub-reality, starting on the frontier world Bakwudza......

"Zorvita, switch to thermal imaging; there's got to be at least one unit still not accounted for. It's highly unlikely that those bots are advanced enough to change their own temperature to match their surroundings."

"Will do. Have the colonists extracted anything useful from the internal databanks of the disabled bots?"

"They probably have; but there's no such thing as too much intel."

The Ashtrayides space frigate Resolute Hound, captained by Ulysses Bardette with copilot Zorvita Feldon, was one of the non-clairvoyance-dependent starships lately put into service by Duke Stillneater's constitutional confederation, and was capable of cruising in atmosphere. It was doing so now, circling beyond the settlement known as Toehold: looking for any remaining hostiles. There were three classes of hostiles being mopped up:

> Evil Hotblood Matrons, led by Matron Koridmi who had previously been part of the assault on Planet Gumwad. They had lately been meddling on Planet Vojodren, from which an ancient Starhatch led to Bakwudza. They had accompanied the corrupt Mentalcat Piper Dizeeze, and the squad of battle droids he had created (>the second element), through the generated wormhole to the planet assaulted by the magical Wendigoes (>the third and worst element, originating outside the Dune-derived sub-universe).

Giles Magg, the Goulash clone of Duke Neato Ashtrayides, had fought on the front line-- rather, he had _been_ the front line-- against the cold-weather ogres, _and_ against Piper Dizeeze's automatons. Particularly against the Abominable Snowman-ish brutes, he had used his Quickness Force to shove them around and keep them off balance, until other good guys who had the means to _kill_ the monsters, did so.

Jebragoth, brave teenage boy from town of Toehold, and Henry Daikoza who had once almost been devoured by the hairy predators, helped as they could. The Resolute Hound, when first arriving, had delivered Captain Kracknuk with Ashtrayides warriors, equipped with incendiary ammunition which could kill a Wendigo.

Princess Gladiola, sister of Stillneater and granddaughter of Duke Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable, had come with Groan Starr and Vixen. Srirachian sub-chief Punchout was in on the battle too, leading desert warriors. They lacked flame weapons, but their personal shields could block the Wendigoes from getting at them. (Fortunately for the Fremen-counterparts, these monsters weren't sophisticated enough to figure out that a slow movement could pass through the shields.) Vixen and Gladiola did have burning weapons, while Groaner could shoot Fuss lightning and use a Fuss choke, either of which could slay a Wendigo.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the wormhole connection, the Mentalcat Bunkem Isotope and his wife Trala-Lalia landed on Vojodren from a Naughtygator jump-ship, accompanied by a battalion of Ashtrayides infantry from Planet Waterpark. Leaving most of these near the location of the Starhatch, the couple took the rest of them to the settlement now controlled by Narzississa and other Hotblood Matrons.

Not having used her telekinetically- controlled flying spoon in a long while, the sister of the late Paul Muddy-Drip now used it to bonk Narzississa and other Hotbloods on the head, stunning them and preventing them from using The Chatter. Bunkem and the rank-and-filers overpowered all settlers who had willingly collaborated with the usurpers. Once all hostiles were neutralized, Trala-Lalia asked Bunkem to get in communication with full-time residents all over the planet and ascertain whether any of them needed assistance. Happily, it turned out that the Hotbloods had not killed or brain-scrambled anyone here.

As a handy plotline convenience, two male Green Flashlights turned up. Not males who could be charmed by the beauty of a Hotblood Matron: Shimtuku who looked like an enormous cricket, and the crimson-skinned Plabdof who looked like a frog. Shimtuku and Plabdof could not loiter, because they needed to fly to Redundantworld in the Third Galaxy as reinforcements for the heroes there; but they could make a brief detour by way of Planet Wawa, dropping the villainesses there, so that the Janitors of the Universe would teach them that good is better than evil.

 

[Copperfox]

Conditions being acceptable on the longer-inhabited planet, Bunkem and Trala left their soldiers on watch there, then used the Starhatch to zip over to Bakwudza. Sub-Chief Punchout met them at the other end, and gave them a summary of the concluded action.

Trala-Lalia fell silent, attempting a bit of Jalapeno- fueled clairvoyance. Bunkem left her to it, while he commenced his own human-computer procedure. Punchout knew enough about them to wait, unworried. Mentalcat cogitation being extremely rapid, Bunkem was first to speak, drawing the desert warrior aside so as not to disturb Trala.

"We know that those evil robots from pre-Calamari times were never fully wiped out by the Rootbeerian Crusade. You recall their sudden resurgence within recent years. You recall how heroes from outside of our sub-universe helped us against the robots. The surviving evil robots will not have forgotten the powerful allies we gained; so they won't want to show their hand prematurely. They're almost certainly aware of how those _other_ evil robots tried and failed to massacre the Bakwudzans. Based on my admittedly limited information, I expect them to make their move after an interval between fifteen and forty standard days."

) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )

I remind the reader that Spacebullion scientists and engineers, once their society joined the side of good, were able to offer something especially helpful to star-hopping communities. Apart from Green Flashlights and other superheroes, it had been the norm for interstellar voyagers to depend on hyperspace applications (Dune-type space-folding counting as hyperspace use). Because of this, galactic travelers _weren't_ able to see what was >in< the normal space around their line of travel. _Only_ the "Ludicrous Velocity" power built into Spacebullion ships enabled starship crews to see normal space, while keeping themselves just enough out of phase to avoid fatal collisions.


(Rajah Ramrocket, veteran spacefarer, will have married the Goldarnit woman B'Taolo. Rajah has a hand in working up the worjust enoughld-saving dreadnought. He previously had a part in ridding Bazookadar of the Glukk trespassers.)

 

[Copperfox]

(((((( DRAFTING for scenes back in the Dune-based sub-reality.

Valluree and Vallurah, nieces of Alec Hurdygurdy, came to Pointfar flying the "Careful Hand," bringing Hadrianus Tolpin. The two sisters have been promoting constitutional government a-la Duke Stillneater Ashtrayides. DEFINITELY present is the Hoofmarkian stallion Green Flashlight Sheckmarosh.

Note that a Wendigo can be killed by any sort of burning or asphyxiation. Vixen's plasma carbine has killed some of them.

Major Jedfarzor, a soldier of the long-armed Ziblamot race from Planet Blamtet in the Andromeda Galaxy, is around someplace.

 

[Copperfox]

(((((( DRAFTING for scenes back in the Dune-based sub-reality.

Hotblood Matron Koridmi, who had been part of their invasion of Gumwad, was on Planet Fectalim when she joined up with Major Takamura Jamison, formerly of Lousy Sekondhanstor. They go to Vojodren to assist Piper Dizeeze in attacking Bakwudza via Starhatch.

Unconnected with other bad guys, evil robots have maintained a remote secret base ever since being defeated in the Rootbeerian Jihad. Over the centuries, random individual droids have awakened to update knowledge of the surrounding space. One of them, called 90003-68718, will be in the lead when they meddle in the Vojodren-Bakwudza situation.