Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Deuce Wayans, Alvin Springbuck and Chang-Shi Kirby (the latter two being Street Bat's closest confidants, who at times had filled in for Deuce in that persona) had learned (via the sensory power of Deuce's Green Flashlight artifact) that an evil creature had formerly visited a major underground hideout where Street Bat suits were kept. After an urgent discussion, Alvin's recommendation prevailed: "Our enemies hoped we wouldn't realize that they found this grotto; so let's not let _them_ know that >we< know that _they_ were here. The suits can be replaced."

Deuce asked his henchmen to keep on top of events in the United States, while he, in his Green Flashlight capacity, flew to Omsk in the Union of Cooperative Collective Republics. Contacts in China had passed clues to Deuce about uncertain villainy afoot there in the Russian East. I remind my readers that, on this Earth-variant, the equivalent of True Earth's Red China is both less powerful and less tyrannical than its template. (For one thing, the entire Korean Peninsula on Bat-Earth is Russian-controlled.)

Note: Lavrenty Borisovich Bakunin, a major executive in the U.C.C.R.'s energy industry, is dating a Yakut woman from a respectable family. Nariyana Aytalovna Keskil is learning about Lavrenty's goal of shaming people out of resisting evil. More to come.

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In the Union of Cooperative Collective Republics, as in its Original Earth counterpart, a sort of cereal called kasha is a very common food for breakfast. This was what Lavrentiy and Nariyana ate for breakfast on the morning when we pick up their arc. The first thing Lavrentiy says in this scene is based on the natural science OF BAT-EARTH, independently from Original Earth.

"I've been waiting to say this until I was confident you would want in on this project. It's about the bacteria that live inside our natural-gas deposits. We believe something very special can be done with them."

Nariyana was always at her calmest when goaded by curiosity. "If you only meant something about improving kilometer-age in propane-fueled vehicle engines, you probably wouldn't have needed to hesitate before you confided in me about, whatever this is."

"It >is< more than ski-truck fuel, all right. It's about living creatures, human or otherwise, benefiting by _inhaling_ natural gas."

The young Yakut woman's eyes widened. "What, will experimental volunteers grow wheels on their feet?"

"Not that bizarre. A mutated strain of the gas-well bacteria may give _energy_ to living beings."

"Do you mean physical, kinetic strength, or something _more_ startling?"

Lavrentiy glanced around, although no one else was within hearing. "At least physical, but conceivably more besides."

Both partners knew at least a little about the appearances of the earth-dragon in the Western Hemisphere, but neither of them had any cause to think that Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin had anything to do with Siberian gas wells.

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Back in America, Beatrice Wayans arranged for sleeping quarters to accommodate Washday and Sybil. Maxie Viva had been messaged about performing for "Be The Change;" she was expected to be able to fly in the next day to confer with foundation executives. Before sleeping, the two guests .enjoyed watching the video record of a self-criticism session among proletarians. Neither woman felt the least bit bad for this degradation being visited upon persons who _weren't_ among The Beautiful People......

FIRST MALE URBAN PEASANT: I need to confess that my sentiments are undisciplined. I am guilty of dwelling irresponsibly upon my pre-enlightenment immaturity. I have been so solipsistic as to _wish_ I still were living in the old, un-mutual way. I have chronically drifted back in thought to when I only knew five or six humans living within sight of my inefficient, environmentally unsound unitary domicile.

UGLY WOMAN FACILITATOR: Don't be overly rough on yourself. The Life Avenues have not yet existed long enough to purge out individualistic engrams from the group consciousness. Is that not so?

ENTIRE GROUP: So it is, Facilitator!

FIRST MALE: Thank you so much, everyone.

FIRST FEMALE URBAN PEASANT: My own greatest hurdle to overcome was a matter of prehistoric instinct.

FRIEND WHO CAME WITH HER, addressing Facilitator: I was privy to much of her struggle; she's done well.

FIRST FEMALE: Thank you, Jessamine. (To the group) I do, after all, want to learn the love of the collective.

FACILITATOR: I'm encouraged, sister. (Looking at another of the men present) How about you, Charlie? As a former drone of the military death machine, have you absorbed enough of the light of oneness to cut off your hateful past?

SECOND MALE URBAN PEASANT: Yes, and I can't say too strongly how grateful I am to the community for setting me free from hate and exclusion. By loving the everything, I am _becoming_ the everything.

SECOND FEMALE URBAN PEASANT (besides the one called Jessamine): That's the same awakening which helped me to realize that humans are not omnivores, that Goddess Universe expects us to choose veganism.

THIRD MALE URBAN PEASANT: When I arrived at the same epiphany, it struck me that I should have understood how my charcoal grill was polluting the ecosystem of Mother Gaia.....

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When Maxie Viva arrived and was introduced to Beatrice Wayans, she could share how she was working on a new song:

"I'm not vain, I just know everything is about me....."
 
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Back in the Omsk region, Lavrentiy cleared Nariyana to accompany him into the secret facility where animal testing was in progress.

"See this reindeer fawn? She was raised by humans from birth. She was always treated kindly, so she regards all humans as friends. Now you'll see why it was necessary to prevent her from ever having bad feelings toward people."

The eleven-month-old fawn, thinking of her actions as a game her humans had taught her, demonstrated her ability to shatter concrete blocks with her front hooves.

"She is also resistant to damage. It would take a very high-velocity bullet to penetrate her skin."

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Deuce Wayans, in his Green Flashlight capacity, was able to do enough scanning to gather that animals were being experimented on inside the installation in the tundra. He could even discern that one living creature inside appeared to have extraordinary physical strength, but was not harming any of the people there who spent time with it.

All right, file this place for later follow-up. Now, back to tracking the earth-dragon.

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Benjamin Wayans, elder brother of Street Bat, still was running the Audacious Angus Ranch in the east central Colorado of Bat-Earth. His wife Isobel, their grown son Bartolomeo, their pre-teen daughter Esmeralda, and younger son Mateo. Alvin Springbuck, one of Deuce's top henchmen, came to visit the ranch one day, driving a tour bus which contained fourteen trim, energetic Chinese girls of ages twelve through sixteen.

Mateo greeted them. "Are these the acrobats you've been messaging my Dad about?"

"Yes, the ones that Chang-Shi's nephew Huei-Bo interviewed."

"You picked a good time to bring them. Guest quarters are all set up, and Shirley Digs-Many-Roots arrived yesterday." Mateo was referring to a young woman of Cheyenne ancestry, who had won prizes as a stunt equestrian in the animal-safe rodeos which were allowed in this America. Revising rodeo events to eliminate cruelty to animals was one decree by the ruling party which citizens like Ben Wayans were pleased to comply with. Ben's family, assisted by the visiting Beijing Opera students, was proactively planning a _diversified_ humane rodeo. Shirley and the Chinese girls would spend the next four days getting acquainted with bulls and horses at the Double-A, letting their scent become familiar to those animals.

Next, performance actions would be rehearsed within their sight, not too close. Eventually, the animals should be sufficiently at ease to be unworried when the Chinese girls and the Cheyenne horsewoman hurried back and forth _among_ them.
 
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( ( ( ( More to come with Street-Bat when I decide WHAT comes next.

We now resume business on Punksteema, in Wellvernia, since we're barely started with Austreejuntzland. Yes, that place name IS meant to suggest the word "Regency." Austreejuntzland's capital is Pitcherton, close to where the northward-flowing Six Nations River enters Tohaz.

Queen Juliet-Andrea the First is the only child of King Spencer the Fourth. In a previous post, she received a visitor from the land of Hultisna, which lies west of Tohaz: Count Peltovrik of Welskark, the wealthiest of all Hultisnar nobles below the "Duke" level, seeking a marriage alliance. (He is even offering a pre-nup, agreeing that he himself cannot ever become King of Austreejuntzland. Not even Regent, because that post could be used as a backdoor means of usurpation.)

For T.D.L. members who have read, or seen a movie of, Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, I am going to pick up with a character based on the kindly Sir John Middleton in that book.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Be a good dog now, let the rabbits pass. They don't steal much."

Sir Sean Fiddleton strolled forth from his manor house, cane in hand, bound at a leisurely pace for Hardbiscuit Cottage, which stood on his property, having a view of a modest lake fed by a tributary stream of the Six Nations River. Beside him, tail held high, walked Readyrough, his powerful but good-tempered wolfhound. (Elves had placed a virtue upon Readyrough's bloodline, conferring power against evil magical beings.)

Hardbiscuit was currently occupied by Sean's widowed younger cousin, Lavinia Fiddleton Marshwood, and her three daughters. Sean charged them a token rent, in order to preserve their dignity, but he and his wife Sylvestra provided Lavinia with so much food and other provision that the four tenants were paying virtually nothing in the net outcome.

"Uncle Sean!" exclaimed an eight-year-old girl, trotting toward her family's benign landlord. Roughready wagged his tail and accepted a hug from the child. Marjorie Marshwood addressed her cousin-once-removed as "Uncle," because he seemed like an uncle to them.

She now asked him, "Did the post rider come?" This, because letters for Hardbiscuit Cottage always came to the manor house first.

"Yes, girl; there's a letter for your sister Elsa, and one for Daisy. From their gentlemen, respectively."

Marjorie grasped the offered envelopes, then took off running for home. Roughready loped beside her, because he loved to run and because he was confident that no danger was looming over his master at present.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Most Esteemed Miss Daisy Marshwood,

I am at liberty now to tell you that the Queen's Dragoons acquitted themselves both valiantly and successfully against the enemies of our Jardekka friends. I regret to inform you that your acquaintances Private Yarbellum and Private Himmergan were among our losses, but they went down performing their duty without a flaw. I have also informed their parents.

I shall not push the subject of setting a date for our nuptials. I am detained in connection with ensuring that the hostages taken from the aggressors (in return for us not executing enemy prisoners out of hand after their treacherous actions) will be well housed, and allowed to attend an Austreejuntzland school on equal footing as other students. My invaluable Color Sergeant will assume responsibility for protecting these hostages from suffering any abuse.

I eagerly anticipate visiting your most excellent family once more, as soon as my duties permit it.

Your devoted servant, Cornell Brendan
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

My Darling Elsa,

As of half an hour before I started writing this letter, I am ordained as a parson in the Church of Pitcherton. I shall, as we hoped, be assigned as an assistant to the vicar in your own parish. Despite his rheumatism, Vicar Westerdown pledges not to retire before he officiates at our wedding. I expect no opposition to Cousin Sean standing as my best man. I kiss you from a distance.

With indescribable passion, Heathwell
============

Even with his top enlisted man overseeing the hostage transfer, General Brendan had his hands full. Shortly after his letter to Daisy was accepted by a courier, messengers came from prairie tribes which had had no part in the recent crisis. Brendan owed it to their prestige to confer with them in person. Their meeting, facilitated by Jardekka tribesmen, produced an unanticipated new initiative. On short notice, ten seasoned Jardekka braves joined Brendan-- and a dragoon corporal named Rutger Sharpe-- in accompanying the visitors back to their comparatively distant territories. It was a once-in-a-career opportunity to strengthen Austreejuntzland's diplomatic standing among Wellvernian countries. Brendan was well enough informed to have heard about Prince -Consort Felipe of Mifdola achieving peace with the Sledge Nomads; he hoped now to accomplish something similar on the southern continent.

It did, however, keep Cornell Brendan away from Daisy Anne Marshwood for many days more.
 
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Your author now reviews the party which came north from Ruffnekkia, which is the homeland of the "Whistlers" who are kindred spirits to Towermen and Smoke Maidens. The presence of Brewster of Goliad (friend to Towerman Ronald) testified to this kinship. Christian cleric Elijah Parsifal is in the party. The others are Whistler Jerkysalt of Sneeziya (who looks like Henry Cavill with white hair, his elvish girlfriend Veevalamora Heartlifter, the Shangri mystic Sotavang, and the Datsunsha martial artist Gwazpor son of Gwaztu (Distant Waterfall style). Note that Sotavang is able to hear from Habohai, the Uzakmid of Shangri-Blah (analogous to a Dalai Lama), who is also able to communicate with Austreejuntzland.

Completely unconnected with the travelers from the frigid latitudes, a party of Austreejuntzlanders was trekking up the Six Nations River (which, along this shallow river, meant going south). Not only did they know nothing about the Ruffnekkian Whistler's team, but they also knew nothing about Darden Quicktrout, the renegade from Gloomenghast who had murdered the master cook Gimshelter. Darden had failed to frame Steward Rawhide for the crime, but now hoped to pose as an artist in Austreejuntzland, leaving the dreary ancient castle behind. Omniscient narrator knows that the former apprentice of Master Picknitz will team up with the scoundrel John Weatherby-- who, of course, will want to steal Daisy Marshwood.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Okay, we'll say that this kingdom is segmented into ten or eleven shires. The Marshwoods reside in Beldamore Shire, and Cornell Brendan's ancestral home is in the next shire west, called Tasmuth. Both shires are south of the royal palace.

Having formed an alliance with John Weatherby, who had some cash to spare, Darden Quicktrout approached the Fiddleton household on the back of a mule, bringing wooden sculptures which he had in fact made for sale. He didn't have a conscience, but he did possess talent. Sean's wife Henrietta met him at the front door, with Readyrough at her side. The hound, who could sense if anyone intended bodily harm to his humans, had rather less intuition for someone sleazy merely wanting to get established in a neighborhood. Perhaps Readyrough would have picked up more of a sinister vibe if the man Quicktrout slew had not himself been evil. He didn't go alert against the stranger as with an enemy, only acted stand-offish. A sale was made, some of the carvings being suitable for the manorhouse library.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Back in Gloomenghast, King Sickulsell and Queen Zatruga, with Princess Frootsalda their firstborn, were performing another of their myriad ceremonies. Every working-class castle resident older than eight years and younger than thirty-three extended their left hands toward King, Queen and Princess in turn. The royals clasped left hands with all of the menials, and the menials walked away humming a very old melody. Master Picknitz could verify that this ritual dated back to the fourth King of Gormenghast, in whose time the great castle had been smaller.

Not being the firstborn of his royal generation, Typhus Gloom was paying a chaste and courtly visit to Jerusha Whitegrove, niece of Doctor Broomcloset. The physician's sister Irma Broomcloset-- younger, healthier and smarter than her counterpart Irma Prunesquallor in the Gormenghast novels-- had married Remick Whitegrove, a teacher and the son of a teacher. Remick's father Varney had immigrated to Gloomenghast Land from Austreejuntzland, with a calling to increase learning for the lower-class residents of the Glooms' domain. Earning respect-- since the Glooms were not opposed to literacy among their people-- Varney had married an older female cousin of Sir Tandauzer, and she had given him five children, including Remick who would become Jerusha's father.

"My mother," Jerusha was telling Typhus, "only lately took a sudden interest in the relationship between odd and even numbers in multiplication."

"How so?"

Doctor Broomcloset, naturally talkative, interjected: "If you read through multiplication tables, you'll see more even-number than odd-number answers."

Taking his esteemed host's chatter in stride, Typhus resumed: "That's because if you multiply an even number by an even number, or odd by odd, the answer is always even. Only odd times odd produces odd. Mistress Whitegrove knew logically that there couldn't really be more even than odd numbers. It was one of those things which are so obvious, you don't think of them. All prime numbers except two are odd, because no even number above two can be a prime number. This balances the even numbers."

Doctor Broomcloset suddenly took a tangent in conversation, returning to a long-ignored but never-forgotten subject from his private conversations with Typhus. "You know that there have only been three sovereign queens of Gloomenghast. As far as I can tell, you don't want to rule the castle when your father passes away; but neither do you want your sister to be accused of cunningly influencing you in that direction."

Jerusha didn't speak it aloud, but she felt good that Prince Typhus was letting her in on private confidences.

In the fiction of Original Earth novelist Mervyn Peake, Titus Groan had run away from Gormenghast because it had become unbearable to him, especially once his cherished sister offed herself. Gloomenghast, however, was not nearly as isolated as the existentially- despondent castle in the trilogy, Frootsalda didn't commit suicide, and Typhus reckoned that he could venture away from home without it being an irrevocable departure. He had mentioned this prospect to his non-blood -related inner circle, mainly Doctor Broomcloset and Sir Tandauzer.
 
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The riverside road from the south was safe enough that travelers with reasonable caution, in adequate numbers, had very little to fear. I think I said that Jerkysalt's party made it to the south edge of Gloomenghast Land, and got to speak with locals. I'll say now that they withdrew a bit southward, then booked rooms at a secure inn, so they could brainstorm about what they might do among the marsh dwellers closer to the castle. Let the reader assume that everything which ought to be considered, was considered.

It wasn't usual for crude ruffians to stir up trouble in the morning, but it did occur here. Ox-wagon drivers, numerous enough to give all good guys enough punching bags, arrived at the inn, bellowing even before they requested food or anything else.

RUFFIAN #1: "I smell the (naughty language) stink of Ruffnekkians who think they're better than us!"

RUFFIAN #2: "I smell the stink of (naughty language) Elves who think they're better than us!"

RUFFIAN #3 (dropping a dirty hand onto Gwazpor's shoulder): "Ugly boy, did you get enough sleep to show us---"

RUFFIAN #4 (almost simultaneously reaching toward Veevalamora at a particularly impolite level): "I bet no Elf-man ever gave you--"

RUFFIAN #5 (trying to grab Jerkysalt's loose white hair): "Sissy dude, I feel like--"

Additional ruffians were already hefting truncheons and knives, but were initially concerned to prevent the inn's owner and workmen from helping the good guys. Consequently, they failed to see the first two seconds of what happened to the first five wagoneers.

Ruffian Three never knew how it happened, but his arm which had touched the Datsunsha warrior was broken in two places. Veevalamora struck Ruffian Four in the throat, just barely short of killing him. Gwazpor moved on and plowed into the ruffians farther back; Jerkysalt joined him after body- slamming Ruffian Five. Brewster and Elijah took down Ruffians One and Two respectively. Close on the heels of this, the innkeeper and his men seized the opportunity to produce firearms, which they would not have dared to use while innocent people were exposed to peril.

The innkeeper boomed at the humiliated rowdies: "If anyone had died here, it would have been entirely your fault. Since no magistrate is near here, I impose damage payment on you. You will surrender to me one tenth of all merchandise you are transporting, and relinquish every long-range weapon you possess. Note also that Whistlers, Elves, Datsunsha warriors, Towermen, and prairie tribes with whom I do business, will all be keeping an eye out for you from now on."

Although this incident would not directly affect the diplomatic errand of Cornell Brendan among tribesfolk, he would eventually hear about it.

--- RETAINING ONE PREPARATORY NOTE:
If Typhus leaves Gloomenghast, he will be followed by the dutiful Sir Tandauzer, the one with leather armor and wheel-lock pistols.
 
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*** Beldamore Shire, two days after the letters to Elsa and Daisy, from Heathwell and Brendan respectively, were delivered to Hardbiscuit Cottage:

Tom Hillerman, a sturdy and reliable servant of the Fiddletons, was often delegated to carry out difficult or time-consuming tasks for the Marshwoods: a token of Sir Sean's esteem for his relatives. Today's business was easy and relaxing. Marjorie, little sister of the two Jane Austen-derived ladies who both enjoyed the esteem of capital-G Good Guys, wanted to return a satchel of books to "Uncle Sean," from whom she had borrowed them. Roughready came along, so that on the way to the manor house Marjorie could ride on the wolfhound's back. Roughready could have carried an adult person at need, so carrying a child of whom he was fond was no burden.

"Tell me if you would, Miss Marjorie: in what spirits are your sisters as respects their suitors?"

Marjorie had not been sworn to secrecy, wherefore she felt no qualms about replying directly. "Elsa is in paradise, looking forward to her wedding. But Daisy is miffed at the General for staying away after he won his battle."

Sean's mood sobered. "Miffed, say you? Does Daisy realize that her husband-to-be is at work seeking to prevent future wars?"

"Mama tells her the same thing, but Daisy says that the General has done enough, and she deserves attention."

Sean thought: If enough prairie tribes united against us to penetrate deeply into this kingdom, I suspect that Miss Daisy Anne would not be pleased by the sort of attention they would accord her!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Near the geometric center of Pitcherton Palace was an open quadrangle, usually frequented by the monarch and her ladies in waiting. Trellises with flowering vines flanked each roof-edge; besides lending color, they would catch stray birdies when the women played what amounted to badminton. As we look in on Queen Juliet-Andrea, she was drinking an equivalent of lemonade with her eldest womanservant: Mrs. Falina Corman, wife to a guard sergeant.

"Falina: in deep confidence, what do you think of Count Petrovik?"

"Your Majesty, I believe that he is no more self-seeking than any other not-quite-highest-ranking nobleman, and probably less so than many."

"From what we know about his family, what do you think about them?"

"As far back as I'm aware, none of them ever greatly distinguished themselves in war, including the one war we ever fought with Tohaz; but neither did they disgrace themselves. And they have earned a favorable reputation in commerce."

Juliet-Andrea gazed up at the lattices. "Nothing positively disqualifying Petrovik. And his offering to renounce any prospect of himself reigning as a king would seem to speak well of his character."

"Unless he only did it for show, knowing that a foreign count would never have any chance of taking the throne anyway."

"I hate uncertainty."
 
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Back to the Heyho arc!

King Preston Truthside, born on Earth-Whichever before he became arguably the mightiest created being in the mortal-existence dimension of three galaxies, knew about Fuss users, although none of them were native to his Earth-variant. His intergalactic surveillance could not follow events based on the Halo game until that sub-reality acquired material existence, but he soon got up to date with it. He was not free to travel now, since he was needed on Awkwardlisp to control Kaijusaurus and Aqua-Scorpion, but he might be able to facilitate providing supernatural assistance to a materialistic region. When he detected the witch Ickylinn on Heyho Earth, the idea assumed urgency.

Truthside ascertained that the sorcerer Doctor Unusual and Zoorama Sotero-Slippage were tied up helping the good guys on Redundantworld. Fateful Doctor was likewise occupied. But the sorcerer Conn Johnstantine of Terra was available, as were the Fuss up-siders Quinine Sauce and his yellow-skinned Tryyurluck wife Samladel Fripp-Sauce. So Truthside contacted those three, obtained their consent to be "drafted," and then teleported them to where they could meet Avery Thompson and the other heroes involved in capturing Icky-Linn.

The trio had scarcely materialized at their destination before Karbeena Owtfeeld, mistakenly reacting to a perceived threat, whirled to attack the new arrivals. Mister and Missus Sauce together immobilized her by The Fuss without harming her; Conn then said, "We're on your side, just making sure the witch is well subdued." Then the Terran magic-user placed a sleep spell on Ickylinn, while Avery explained to President Hughes what was actually happening. Zubdookree employed Fuss-persuasion to make Earth's President understand that he was being told the truth. Snack and Noherra took on explaining to civilian staff members what was happening. (If I said previously that the diminutive Lodratrid Guft, who looks like Maz in the Sequel Travesty, is with Zubdookree, then she still is.)

Shilkovim of the Bonkalub was one of the first persons not present at the mansion to be advised of what had just occurred.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Depending on whom you spoke to, Doyo Jogtip the Yettisquatch was either the Planetary President of Stretch, or its Governor. Be this as it might, Second Lieutenant Taleb El-Moktar, from the Endrunners Battalion of the Galactic Marines, was on duty right now as Officer of the Day in the planetary capital. They were not guarding the gubernatorial residence, this being the job of the Galactic Army. For this very reason, Rhonda Pilsner and her Skankbelly friend Zafnast could speak privately with Taleb, concerning the fact that they had first been prevented from seeing Doctor Fallacy, then later admitted to her office only to get a run-around.

Taleb soon asked them, "Were you _specifically_ ordered not to tell anyone that you'd come away without the answers you sought?"

Zafnast moved his mandibles in a distinctive manner, then shook his long head. "Excuse me, that was meant to be like a Human shaking his head. No, we were not so instructed." He and Rhonda exchanged a glance.

"In that case....." The lieutenant looked all around. "Listen carefully. I am _not_ suggesting that you clear out of here _before_ anyone grabs your elbows. I'm _certainly_ not suggesting that you head for the last known location of a man from what _might_ be called 'Ringjonn Earth.' I see no reason to allege that such a man enjoys great prestige for helping the Starterus faction to achieve co-existence. Even less am I urging you to look at this data device I just happen to be holding in plain sight, as if, oh, say, it would tell you that location. By no means am I urging you to get going right away, and obtain the support of someone who might bear the nickname of Major Chief. Now I'm going to make my rounds, without any interest in whether anybody lawfully borrows an aircar, helicopter or suchlike."

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Jacob and Raquel, he still armed with his fantasy rifle, she with her Babylon Five-suggested plasma pistol, were at a campsite with Starterus the enormous Juggernasty. Other ex-Congregation members were present, most of them from the Mipstipter species. The winged sapients were listening avidly as Jacob sang chanties and ballads. For this audience, the Major Chief could have been singing centuries-old advertising jingles; _any_ sort of melody was a thrilling novelty for them. Starterus, astronomically more intelligent than the former cannon fodder, had begun thinking whether he could write lyrics in his own language to any of these tunes.

Rhonda and Zafnast showed up at the camp, to be cheerfully welcomed by Starterus. Readers are invited to assume that anything necessary for New Stevie Ray Vaughn to become pals with Jacob, does happen. Stevie, in his original existence on Music Earth, had never been part of any thrilling life-or-death adventures; he was greatly impressed when he heard about Jacob saving teenagers from being murdered in the Sodpile Forest.
 
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Master Yoga-Rug has not been on stage for many chapters now; but at this point, be advised that Only-One Kanoli, and his naturally -bald but humanlike-enough wife Massage Breathless- Kanoli, are free to get back into action. I think I allowed them to have a baby, but you can assume that the Spacewalker family on Planet Kantpoo keeps this baby safe. Yoga-Rug communicated with the Janitors of the Universe, who knew all about the Heyho sub-universe, and they provided instant travel for the Kanolis-- to Planet Bigspoke, where Lieutenant- General Amos Judd is the senior human officer.

Master Katmatao did a flawless job: the Kanolis arrived at the perfect spot. They didn't appear in front of a startled crowd; they were close enough to Judd's headquarters that they knew where they were going, but not so close as to rouse any guards. Both spouses used The Fuss to sweep the area for any indication of potentially hostile watchers.

"All clear," said Only-One, using a language not known anywhere in Heyhoverse worlds.

Massage nodded. "Then calm and casual it is."

Eight Space Army sentries, wearing armor a little short of "Muledeer" quality, but more than sufficient for garrison duty, looked at the approaching up-siders. The senior among them, a woman with buck-sergeant rank, said, "State your business."

"We are explorers who've been outside of U.C. space," Massage told her. "General Judd wants to ask us about our findings."

"General Judd wants to ask about your findings," the sergeant echoed.

Only-One added: "Since this is not a matter of immediate military urgency, the General decided on a 'hide in plain sight' approach for the interview."

"The General decided on a 'hide in plain sight' approach for the interview," the sergeant echoed.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Similar non-violent penetration brought the Kanolis to their goal-- rather anticlimactically. Amos Judd was dictating into an audio recorder with A/I editing (no holographic persona with it, only imposing its _own_ ideas of what he _should_ be saying. The rear-echelon brass-hat was so absorbed in considering himself insightful, that he didn't immediately notice his visitors. The two up-siders entered at the middle of a sentence, but for the reader's convenience I'll include the _first_ eleven words.

"The Friendless, the Varnished, the Congregation, and even the Introductories who were humanity's first major assailants, all had two traits in common: all of them organized their cultures on an unmistakably religious model, with battle-armored rigidity in their moral codes, yet at the same time they omitted any suggestion of a supernatural realm. Sapients less highly evolved than I am would infer that intolerance and hate are _not_ a result of rejecting divine beliefs. But the universe has empowered >me< to see more clearly. Stone-age beings of every rational species unavoidably had superstition before they had knowledge of the actual cosmos. Accordingly, when they did stumble upon scientific method, they reflexively imported their old ignorance into the new realm of objectivity.

"We now stand at a crossing of wormholes. One flight path keeps us-- humans, and the human-friendly races-- on a true course, defining life as we prefer to define it. The other course threatens to engulf us in the fascism of those aliens who have entered our galactic sector uninvited, bringing their mindless hatred of everyone who is different....."

Only-One had figured out where this was going: very much like the way of The Jackalbyte, only without the focus on male-bashing.

"Hello, there." Enough of the Fuss influence was in his greeting that Amos Judd finally looked at him and Massage. Only-One added: "You realize, General, that we who have come from outside your sub-universe enjoy our _own_ diversity of races and cultures,"

"I realize that you who have come from outside my sub-universe enjoy your own diversity of-- wait, now, who _are_ you?"

Only-One and Massage didn't need to say it aloud to each other: something was resisting Only-One's Fuss mind-influence. And they had been told about Mister Tectonic's "T-Sneer" micro-drones. Again using "private" language, Only-One muttered to his wife, "I seem to sense three of the things adhering to his spinal column. Try to determine if they can be removed without injuring him; I'll keep him occupied." The senior up-sider went on in words which Amos Judd could understand.

"General, am I correct in thinking that you say rigid belief systems, with specific rules of morality, are harmful and wrong?"

"Of course they are," Judd harrumphed. "Claiming that you are unquestionably right, that your truth is absolute truth, not only is illogical, it is the _same_ as wishing harm to all who question you!"

"And why is it _wrong_ to wish harm upon others?"

"Because hate is evil!"

Only-One took the gamble: "How can hate >be< evil, if there is no universal standard of justice which _declares_ hate to be evil?"

Now the armchair general was seething. "Because only bigots deal in absolutes!"

"And by what _measurement_ are they bigots?"

"The measurement of evolution by the will of Mother Universe! Love and freedom count for more than facts!"

Only-One went for the figurative kill. "Then you are saying it IS an absolute fact THAT THERE ARE NO absolute facts."

It was the breaking point, Amos Judd leaned his head back, like a spoiled child beginning a tantrum. In fact, just like the strange super-criminal on Seedubb Earth called Wild Whiner. "That's not fair! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Massage snapped: "Now! Hurry!" Her husband exerted a bracing force (from where he stood, it was technically pulling) against Judd's back, focusing it narrowly enough so he wouldn't be negating Massage's exertion upon the T-Sneers. The micro-drones finally broke free, tearing through the fabric of Judd's uniform. Massage Fuss-pulled the man over and beyond the desk, while Only-One hastily raised a hard-set Fuss block against--

The deafening KA-BOOM which destroyed everything breakable behind the desk.

When the soldiers crowded in, weapons leveled, Amos Judd finally revealed some personal quality worthy of a flag officer. "Don't shoot! No threat now! These people are friendlies!"

Unfortunately, Tyrone Glass Nielsen escaped. Fortunately, Lieutenant-General Judd had just become a lot wiser.
 
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Back on Stretch, Doyo Jogtip had facilitated an event rare on this planet: a live-stage outdoor concert. The contrasting singers Jacob Mossyhutch and New Stevie Ray Vaughn had everything they needed for an entertainment success. Sophisticated holographic displays projected paraphrases in many languages, enabling the intent of each performer's songs to be understood. Besides Humans, the audience included Plethmors, Efrachiktu, Yettisquatches, Doladags, Juggernasties, Bonkalub, Skankbellies, Mipstipters and Sankasselum. Even a few multi-limbed Zidmorigs who had lately defected from The Friendless.

Sophisticated holographic projectors displayed multi-lingual explanations of the intent of each song or intro. New Stevie Ray Vaughan began the show, initially singing only three songs on the cheerful end of his rhythm- and-blues repertoire. Between the second and third songs, he spoke to the crowd, leaving time gaps for the translation software to keep up. He told the people: "I understand that many of you, in your former situations, never had the opportunity to discover what we Humans call 'fun.' Fun is like rehabilitating a muscle after it's been sprained. My race, and many others, find that fun, in the form of music and in other forms, improves our productivity."

When Jacob Mossyhutch took the stage, his ballads were by turns inspiring, humorous, tender, solemn, bold, festive, or some combination of these moods. After twenty-six ballads, the Major Chief bowed out, to join his wife Raquel near the front of the audience. New Stevie returned, this time joined by a bass player, a pianist, a drummer, and a man who alternated between tenor saxophone and clarinet. By previous arrangement, several male-female pairs each from the Earthling, Plethmor, Efrachiktu and Mipstipter peoples moved into available areas and began dancing in their various fashions-- which, for the Mipstipters, involved flying. Jacob and Raquel were the first of all non-rehearsed couples to get down with it.

The biggest surprise was the revelation that Mrs. Cortexa 747 had taught Johnny-747 to dance passably. For the courageous, invented- yet-actually -alive android, being touchably real, able TO touch her beloved hero, was beyond computing. Her new brain understood objectively something which would drive most bio-sapients in this reality insane if they learned it: that all of them here had existed in objective reality for scarcely over two years. But they were fully real _now;_ all who had been type-cast as evildoers had the opportunity to be redeemed; and her cherished Master Champ was proving every day that he was no less a gallant knight now than he had been in their imaginary past.

Johnny whirled Cortexa to and fro, tossed her and caught her, switched to something like an old-time tango, and broke step long enough to bombard her with kisses. A few dozen human or near-human civilians, and numerous completely nonhuman persons, marveled at how sentimental _and_ fun-loving this lethal exterminator of evildoers had become.

Before the evening ended, even the Juggernasties were beginning to comprehend fun; and the evening's two solo singers had acquired a galactic fanbase. But Johnny-747 could never completely forget business. Once the celebration broke up, Johnny and Cortexa visited their Efrachiktu friend Quistolo at a subspace radio terminal. The comms tech's furry tail was highly agitated.

He offered the 747's a transcript, saying: "Two friends of the out-spacers we already know are on Bigspoke. They have discovered that Lieutenant-General Judd has been compromised....."
 
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IT'S BEEN MANY MONTHS NOW SINCE I PROVIDED AN IN-DEPTH REVIEW OF PAST PLOT ARCS. I SHALL AT LEAST PROVIDE ENOUGH REMINDERS NOW TO HELP YOU MAKE SENSE OF RETURNING CHARACTERS LIKE THE ONES CURRENTLY IN THE THICK OF ACTION ON REDUNDANTWORLD. MY FIRST REFRESHER WILL GO >FAR< BACK.

Master Yoga-Rug, based on "Yogurt" in "Spaceballs," facilitated multiple very early conversions from evilness to goodness. On Seedubb Earth, Yoga-Rug helped to convert a version of Harley Quinn, who promptly fell in love with my version of Alfred Pennyworth. On U-r-t-h, the first villains to see the light were my versions of Star Sapphire, Atomic Skull and Silver Banshee. Later on the same Earth-variant, a version of Solomon Grundy was brought to the light. On Terra, a separate version of Harley Quinn married a version of Winter Soldier, while a version of Poison Ivy married a version of Sam Wilson. On Earth-Whichever, several War Witches (less powerful versions of the "Furies" in D.C. Fourth World stories) got saved after being captured in the failure of an invasion by my version of Steppenwolf.

Pretty early in the saga, characters based on the MOVIE of "Starship Troopers," NOT on the book, got to meet some DC Comics-based characters, and also visited Planet Freesoil, which contains a hollow-earth inner world based on Edgar Rice Burroughs' Pellucidar series. The "Starship Grunts" got to meet the near-omnipotent good guy King Truthside, and he provided them with improved infantry weapons.

Some redemption arcs were independent from any Earth variants. For instance, my counterpart of Mel Brooks' Dark Helmet turns good after coming to the above-mentioned Freesoil. My versions of Alia Atreides, Leto Atreides Junior, Princess Irulan Corrino and Count Hasimir Fenring all remain, or become, good-aligned. On the less-visited Non-Communist Anime Earth, a monster called Mugwumpa, based on Sailor Moon stories, was chased away after a failed attempt to conquer that Earth; she later was converted to goodness on a non-Earth-derived world.

Unconnected with my Star Sapphire counterpart, a large sorority of artifact-powered persons, all female and all human or near-human, set out to "help" Jersey Earth-- by making people dependent on their constructive, but limited abilities. This turned out to have a cause which even most of the "Heart Sapphires" didn't know: my version of "Highfather" in Fourth World stories was looking to retrieve a copy of my version of the Anti-Life Equation. Heroes from Earth-Whichever (the planet on which "The Thumpercolts" have now been organized) helped to undo the unintentional damage done by the overconfident Heart Sapphires. But this was not before the Sapphire Sisters had accidentally changed some stupid teenage boys into "Cosmic Fact Checkers." These dopey kids flew to Mediumgard Earth, where there are Avengers counterparts called The Revengists. It took along time for the stupid boys to be rounded up and restored to normal.

Worlds based on He-Man and She-Ra cartoons have had contact with characters derived from Dune stories, and have interacted with quite a few Marvel Comics-based characters. This has included my version of The Sorceress visiting Mediumgard Earth.

In a story-region based on Star Wars RATHER THAN on Spaceballs, I say that MY Anakin did not turn bad. He did die, but he died as a hero, destroying my version of Palpatine before Palpatine could ever become an emperor. My version of Padme could be proud of her husband instead of being ashamed of him killing children; therefore, she didn't die of grief, but lived on to raise her versions of Luke and Leia. Ahsoka also existed in this sub-reality as "Nonsmoka," and eventually died defending Planet Riggblit against invaders. My version of The Mandalorian married a blind kung-fu girl, so he could remove his helmet when they were together. They shared adventures on "Planet Powurkord" with a superhero called Black Giraffe, who married a Heart Sapphire named Joza-Varu-Paf (this rhyme is totally coincidence).

Members of the Justified League defended the primitive people of Zazdub World against the evil alien Duke Terror, who also tried to conquer Planet Chimpanzia. My version of the old pulp-novel hero Doc Savage helped in the defense of the Zazdubs, having previously helped against the Awkwardlispian invasion of Earth-Whichever. Doc is married to my version of Zatanna from Batman comics.

I have a version of Babylon Five. Not much of my story action happens there, but characters FROM that story-reality have gone to other worlds. For instance, some of them have even entered the sub-universe based on the Halo game. Also in the "Heyhoverse" is a soldier-hero derived from John Ringo's Posleen War novels.

"Punksteema" is completely set apart from all my other story-worlds. It is not at all an Earth-variant, but the Actual God is known there. It has two super-continents: Arcondoyla to the north, Wellvernia to the south, separated by an "equatorial ocean" which goes all the way around. My very first scenario on Punksteema showed Ronald of Goliad setting out to revive the chivalrous-gunslinger associations: Towermen and Smoke Maidens. In the far south are the all-male Whistlers, like Towermen in spirit though unaccustomed to firearms. Other forces for good on this planet include both sexes: Mellow Druids, Elves who mingle with the Whistlers, Captains of Skilled Labor, Bear Brothers, bird-headed Tengu (lifted from Japanese mythology), and the Long Quest Church Alliance.

ALL RIGHT, THIS DOES NOT COVER ALL BASES, BUT IT SHOULD HELP.
 
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The pocket dimension containing Hopecrusher Central didn't always do well at circulating inter-office memos. Overseeing operations on Redundantworld, one junior fiend collected a horde of Creepycrawlids from the zone based on "Starship Troopers" and plunked them down on a tract of land not yet assailed by any evil. Another fiend, unaware of the first one's action, sent a much worse evil: non-solid flying life-drinking specters. The Creepycrawlids, defenseless against a supernatural onslaught, soon fell as drained shells.

But the time the specters expended on their first prey was time in which Astrosmeller could remotely smell the airborne ectoplasm. His emergency alert was picked up first by Heart Sapphire Shibwazushu, the one with scaly-but-not-abrasive skin. She informed her (by now) fiance Black Admiral (purely good-aligned alternate form of Black Adam), and they took off to intercept the immaterial monsters before those could claim any sapient victims.

"That way!" Shibby suddenly cried, creating a large pointer of gem-energy. Almost the only shortcoming Black Admiral had was a relative inferiority in super-senses. He could sense a destination in a general way, but could only see and hear things at a human level. Now, sighting the ghostly swarm, he sped up and began strafing them with magic lightning, to which they were as vulnerable as the unfortunate Creepycrawlids had been to life- draining.

Still, the horrors at least could evade better. Scattering, a few tried to close in for life draining. It might have worked EVEN on Blackie, but he also could evade. After more specters had been wiped out while trying to close in, the rest swerved..... and made for Shibby.

Flying backwards, Shibby tried to hold the things at a distance with her scarlet energy. What ensued was like fight scenes in Dune stories, when personal shields are penetrated by projectiles designed to enter slowly. She tried pivoting her own shield to push the beings off course; it worked in some degree, but she couldn't shake them. Still, she gave her betrothed enough time to move in and reckon his lines of fire. Using his own super-speed, Blackie fired from below, from above, from the left, from the right-- and finally, interposed himself BETWEEN his darling and her would- be slayers, incinerating them to the last one like igniting a flammable vapor.

Setting feet on the ground, Black Admiral and Shibwazushu wrapped themselves in an anxious embrace, kissing as if they had not seen each other in years. Eventually pausing for breath, Shibby panted: "We need to report this, in case there are more of them."

@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

The dozens of heroes dispersed around the wide planet were still trying to improve rotations of who slept when. But Sushi Strum- Razumnitsa was awake at her present location, as was her husband Pavel "Colosseumus" Razumnik. Once briefed on the encounter the other couple had experienced, Sushi told Astrosmeller,"I'm a natural to help them clean up any remaining ghosts."

"Not without me!" Pavel insisted.

"Pasha," Sushi crooned, having grown familiar with familiar / intimate forms of Russian first names, "I love you, but the ONE thing you're not suited for is fighting enemies that are like smoke."

"Of course, milaya, but there were other monsters in the area where the specters were, yes? Let me be in reserve, in case enemies with regular bodies pick an argument with you."

Astrosmeller suddenly called Sushi. "I've smelled all the territory around where you fought the specters, You destroyed all of them; but your on-planet friend Mister Inquiry has reported to me an intuition which came to him. The specters, and the cannon-fodder giant insects they killed, were mere skirmishing moves. The nexus for all evil in the Never-Stopping Story is growing anxious to get this planet sunk in despair. The Hopecrushers plan to deploy a being who is not intentionally evil, but who unwittingly causes others to sink into fatalistic pessimism. He is shaped like a monstrous tortoise."

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Sushi. "On Jersey Earth, and someone told me it was also on Original Earth, someone produced a fantasy movie called 'The Never-ENDING Story.' That movie featured a giant tortoise who wasn't intentionally evil, but, what you said."

"Russians understand pessimism," rumbled Colosseumus, "although my dear Sushi has mostly cured me of it.... Wait a minutochku! I've heard of a fellow Russian dwelling on Urth, known as Tapper Cossack. A fine swordsman, and a Bolshoi Ballet quality dancer. If he could be brought here, I think he could achieve much to remedy the pessimism, WITHOUT needing to kill the monster of despair."

"What does 'Tapper' mean?" Astrosmeller asked from his distant listening post.

"There is a verb, terpet', which means to be patient, to wait for things to get better. In most versions of Russia, there's a proverb: 'Terpi, kazak, atamanom budyesh.' It means, 'Be patient, Cossack, and you'll become a chieftain one day.' Dmitri Tarasov of Urth adapted the verb and the saying for his hero name. If Tapper Cossack could be brought here from Urth, he could do much to offset this Hopecrusher attack."

"I'll communicate with Timekall on Mediumgard Proper," said Astrosmeller; "see whether he can facilitate your dancing cossack joining us."

"It shouldn't be difficult," said Sushi. "I've also heard of Dmitri; he's a member of the Justified League, well known to Superdude, Superhottie, and the former Atomic Scalp."

When Timekall was contacted on this subject, he in turn got hold of young Matthew Carver, a young friend of the Justified League on Urth-- who had custody of the magical Dice-Aract. The League had reliable support personnel, who could take excellent care of super-children, such as the son of Superdude. The formerly-evil Aluminum Banshee, who had fallen in love with Dmitri Tarasov (and found it most handy that he COULD NOT be harmed by her sonic attacks) was a loving mother, but hated to let her Cossack husband go to war in another galaxy alone, when she could help him if she went also.

Professor Charles Crazier, with his Secret Plotline-Advancing Machine, collected facts which would help Matthew perform a safe, accurate cosmic teleportation of the Tarasovs. Timekall of Hallpasscard joined in coordinating the launch: the longest cosmic reach the smart boy had yet made. At the moment of arrival, Matthew in Wyoming delivered his two passengers just eleven meters above the ground on Redundantworld's northern hemisphere. Not bad at all for an intergalactic leap; and Green Flashlight Jamsorvad was on the job, energy- cushioning their fall.

Vasili Rutintutin, the warrior priest from Terra's Russia, was there to greet the Tarasovs; he gave Dmitri a summary in Russian of what was going on with the at-most modestly- industrialized people of the vast planet.
 
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"We appreciate your coming to join our watch in this polar zone," said Sir Ballwun the Uncommonly Decent. "Thorpe son of Garryowen can fly by the aid of Stormcracker, as I can do by means of Oatmealnir; but you sky-racers can leave us in your wake with ease. This is more important than you may suspect."

Thorpe Thundermaster picked up from there. "Precisely because the four of us can take care of ourselves better than Redundantworld's commoners, Timekall and Astrosmeller will be assuming that we're all right without their involvement. They both need to maintain continuous back- and-forth reconnaissance where there are natives who CAN'T fight mega-level foes. My father's magical birds are occupied with patrols in far-off space regions. We four will need to sleep in overlapping shifts, performing our own ."

Luvardra the raven-haired Dahudoran Heart Sapphire, assumed a disarming manner. "Meaning no disrespect to you Hallpasscardeans, my husband and I excel you in flight speed as much as you excel us in punch-it-out strength. Let Parbellik and me support this isolated vigil. One or the other of us can shoot away at intervals, to fetch necessities back or bring reports to leading heroes."

"And Luvardra can create food and drink for all of us," Parbellik put in. "We understand that no one anticipates monster incursions at either POLE of this planet. We're a ready reserve, waiting to take off in whatever southerly direction will bring us to the action."

@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Black Stingray, good guy from Urth, was joined in the north hemisphere by two male Flashlights: Shimtuku who looked like a giant cricket, and the crimson-skinned Plabdof who looked like a frog. Stingray was camped out on the shoreline of the widest fresh-water lake in Redundantworld's northern half. Plabdof could equally breathe air and water, making him a natural teammate for Stingray. Shimtuku set out on his own; he knew who Adam Wornsock was, and was interested in meeting him.

DRAFTING HERE>>> Superdude, Superhottie and Black Admiral take the equatorial posts. Their teams, respectively, are:
(1) Diskoduck and Jamsorvad`
(2) Sha-Na-Na and Flashlight Poradsimu
(3) Shibwazushu of course; and Tiba-bo-Tola who knows her. Admiral has huge combat power by himself; the two "Sapphires" would shield civilians.

Bakerstray is at south pole. With him are Speedy Greyhoundus, and She-Wow on Quickwind

Heroes NOT in response teams include the Slippages, Martin Alpert with Ululani, Golden Gaucho and his Shadowfax-grade stallion, Oliver Hackman with his mastiffs, Sharon Foraker, Walloper with Grrrryyl, Woman Torch and Colosseumus. Also in south hemisphere (with locals around) are Fatima Kutuzova, Masked Biker, Cyborg Allsweeta, Liquid Snake and Anteater Woman.
 
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