Attention-Deficit Roleplaying

Upon hearing Slippy's request, Peppy asked:

"Slippy, are you procrastinating on that essay again?"

"Me? No, Never. Why would you think so? I'm almost done."

"You always do this when you have a writing assignment Slippy."

"Well, I'm not doing it this time. Now, do you, or do you not have any laundry that I can do for you?"

"No, I don't have any."

"What about some of the smelly robes of those weirdos from the cult you formed?"

"What cult? What are you talking about?"

"That No Hair Krishna thingy?"

"That wasn't a cult you weirdo, those were lollipops in the shape of that Indian god, whatchamacallit? They're actually pretty good."

"So you didn't form a cult like the rumor says?"

"No, it was a confectionery, a candy story. We have some delicious treats in the shape of a rabbit, Fruit candy in the shape of the fruits, and caramel filled hard candy in all sorts of flavors, and we have..."

"Ok, I get it!

"Good."

"So I guess that means no robes, right?"

*sigh* "No Slippy, no robes. You cannot launder the orange wrappers of the Krishna Lollipops."
 
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Meanwhile, some of the original-type Hare Krishnas were asking people for money, saying, "It's okay, we're not Moonies." At the same time, the Moonies were asking people for money, saying, "It's okay, we're not Hare Krishnas."
 
Smerdyakov the evil purple duck was feeling neglected because he hadn't been mentioned in several posts already. He decided it was time to get noticed again so he sent his toughest Mafiya goons to steal some pie from the pienic party on the beach. They were about to rush the unaware diners when they suddenly noticed that two of them, in military uniforms (one blue, one gray) had some fearsome looking colts hanging from both their hips. They realized that the duck call whistles their boss had outfitted them with were no match against those things. Instead, they pooled their money and bought a variety of pies to bring to their boss. Upon seeing the awesome assortment of pies his goons brought him, Smerdyakov said:

"Grreat job, boyss. That's the way to hustle pies. That's why I pay you well, to enforce my will and be rough whenever I ask you to."

The goons promised each other never to tell the boss the truth about how they really got the pies.
 
Meanwhile, an alternate-universe incarnation of Abraham Lincoln revealed himself to the two Civil War veterans. "Gentlemen, have you seen any vampires around?" he asked them. "Now would be a good time to report them, since I bring with me a reality in which humans ARE NOT as helpless as crippled sheep against vampires." To prove this, Mr. Lincoln displayed a heavy axe with one hand, and a severed vampire head with the other hand.
 
"Good to see you; now stand back to back!" Abe told Indy. For a crowd of arrogant sexy vampires, confident that God-mocking writers would always let them be omnipotent, were advancing on the heroes. Abe Lincoln beckoned to Colonels Beauregard and Singleton. "Would you gentlemen care to assist? Beheading WILL kill them."
 
Unfortunately for the sexy vampires, the Civil War heroes had pies that were infused with nanites that delivered ultraviolet photons directly into the bloodstream of anyone who came in contact with any part of their delicious crust or filling. This of course was another clever invention of our famous superhero Bat-Bat, who, as is evident here, is always several steps ahead of silly vampires.
 
Meanwhile, actor Jim Caviezel was wondering if he might be able to star in a sequel to his "Count of Monte Cristo" movie. The new script could feature him inventing the Monte Cristo Sandwich.
 
Isabelle stepped out of her house and looked around the beautiful city of Paris. The snow had fallen overnight and was blanketed perfectly on the ground. She grinned mischievously as she turned the corner. One part of her wanted desperately to throw a snowball in the air for no reason, but restrained. She had some investigating to do.

(I tried? XD)
 
A scowling Frenchman, wearing clothes of a style appropriate to the post-Napoleonic era, strode up to Isabelle and said, "Mademoiselle, take care! I am Inspector Javert, and I will not tolerate unauthorized snowball throwing! You are not allowed to throw snowballs in Paris without a written permit. Snowball permits can be obtained on the first Tuesday of every month, between 1:00 p.m. and 1:03 p.m., on the third floor of Surete' Headquarters."
 
While Inspector Javert was giving directives to Isabelle on Earth, on Corneria, Slippy was still looking for excuses not to write his essay. He went to the nearest spaceport and asked the airman in charge of the janitorial staff if there were any ships that needed a fresh coat of wax.

"Are you crazy, Slippy?" Asked the airman, "shiny ships are easy targets in space. You can't actually hear ships coming, but you can see the star light reflect. Do you want your buddies in the Armada to give Cayman the heads up? Uh? Do you? I - D I D N ' T THINK SO!"

And with that, Slippy went away looking for more excuses to postpone doing his homework.
 
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John Carter was bounding through Barsoom, enjoying his amazing jumping abilities, when he spied Edward Cullen holding a thern amulet. John took great care to bounce up to the vampire silently, then whalloped off Edward's head with the help of his Thark-make sword. Thankfully, this version of the plant Mars/Barsoom was invented by Edgar Rice Burroughs as opposed to whatever the author of Twilight might invent, so whacking off Edward's head worked perfectly to slay the very unnatractive (at least to John Carter and any male figure who isn't perverted) vampire. John continued on his way, bounding through the sandy plains of Barsoom.
 
Meanwhile Mardanax, the black archdruid who had unsuccessfully used dark magic to destroy Thongor, the ruler the kingdom of Lemuria and had been slain by him, discovered that he was not dead but had been teleported to a very large, strange city. As he was getting his bearings, Mardanax was approached by a pair of men wearing black uniforms, and carrying what he assumed to be some kind of weapons, which they pointed at him in a threatening manner. One of the men shouted something at Mardanax, in a language totally unknown to him.
 
Then Mardanax came upon a yard sale which was offering a translation device for two dollars. Buying the device, he soon determined what the strangers were telling him:

"The character of Thongor was created by a hack novelist named Lin Carter, who built his career upon copycatting Edgar Rice Burroughs and Robert Howard -- Thongor being a bland imitation of Conan the Barbarian."
 
This caused Mardanax to fly into a rage. It was bad enough being run through with the sword wielded by Thongor, but the fact that he was only a third rate hero was too much of an insult to allow to go unpunished. Determined to destroy the people of this city, his hand pressed against a ring he was wearing which immediately summoned to his aid a terrible.......
 
-Tyrannosaurus Rex! Unfortunately for Mardanax, the T-Rex was very agitated not only by the fact that he'd just been summoned away from his near-successful hunt, but he was also incredibly hungry. The Rex quickly scooped up Mardanax in his massive jaws, crunched him a few times, and swallowed him. The massive dinosaur then began peacefully walking through the city and looking for a way back to Isla Sorna.
 
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