Attention-Deficit Roleplaying

CORIN THUNDERFIST II said:
A PIZZA CHANT -- which, in combination with all the other chants, singing, music and dancing going on, attracted the attention of the local council who, being a bunch of killjoys not to mention jobsworths, put a stop to it all by sending
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... a tax assessor, who planned to levy a music tax, charging by the note.
 
While this Pizza Chant was in full swing here, in another continent the Comandante of the the South American guerrilla group of ToDos Locos (TDL), decided that it was high time to organize a raid of a nearby mountain village for food and comic books. Apparently most of the rank and file members were threatening mutiny because they had ran out of chips and salsa and quality reading material.

After carefully planning the raid for well over two minutes, they decided to go ahead and do it. So they descended upon the unsuspecting villagers and began looking for the aforementioned items. In 15 minutes of raiding, they had already found a bag of Tostitos which they heroically wrestled out of the hands of a burly and feisty two year old villager and a faded copy of Dark Horse Comics' Aliens Versus Predator #3. Everything seemed to be going well for the raiders until some of them ran into Abuelita Paciencia, who was having a bad day because the local store had ran out of her favorite cigars.

About half a dozen raiders approached her demanding to let them search through her checkered bag for Salsa to go with the Tostitos or at least number four of the comic books previously found. Abuelita Paciencia would have none of that. Instead of giving up her precious bag, she let loose a barrage of swings with it that she stroke at least three of them with one forward swing and two more with the return. The five unlucky ones immediately fell to the ground unconscious because in addition to her metal cigar case, Abuelita Paciencia carried in her bag every conceivable item an elderly lady could need in an emergency, or when meeting a handsome stranger.

The surviving TDLr, who was a stranger alright, but not handsome at all, was about to get his share of the baggie but was quick enough to duck and run to warn his comrades of the terror coming their way. Since many of them had already read part of the "Alien Versus Predator" comic book, they were already spooked enough by the time he reached them. Upon seeing the look of terror in the lone survivor, they all ran for their lives before he had time to even finish his first warning.

So the TDL's raid ended with spooked and hungry bandidos cowering in their jungle huts watching out for anything that may resemble a checkered missile.

Abuelita Paciencia, meanwhile, was already feeling much better.
 
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News of this one-sided encounter soon reached the Girl Power Club. Xena, Buffy, Mulan, Catwoman, Black Widow, Electra, Trinity, Major Carter, Alice Cullen, the tough Rapunzel from "Tangled," the female Starbuck from the later version of "Battlestar Galactica," and a dozen other super-chicks, began speculating about whether Abuelita Paciencia would now make the same claim that most of them had made at some point: claiming to be THE VERY FIRST WOMAN EVER to be strong enough to fight her own battles.
 
Be that as it may, the moral of the encounter in the South American village, which equally applies to our own society, is "never mess with elderly ladies"!

Meanwhile, the Calormene deity Tash was suffering with an appalling migraine. Unable to find a suitable cure amongst his own worshippers, he slipped through a black hole and found himself in a small Cornish coastal town at the height of the summer season. Too lazy to change to something acceptable, and taking the reaction to his presence by the people in the town to be a local custom, Tash in the form familiar to most Calormenes, strode up to a policeman and demanded
 
... to know where there was an alchemist. Words uttered from a beak were unclear to the cop, who replied, "Sad to say, there are quite a few alcoholics around here."
 
Prince Arturius (they call him Arthur for short), was practicing his skill with his awesome hand-and-a-half sword. As everyone knows, this sword was Excalibur, which is far more powerful than iocane powder. And iocane comes from Australia! As everyone knows, Australia is entirely people with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as Hengest the Saxon is not trusted by Arthur, so he can clearly not choose the wine infront of Hengest.
 
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Fezzik the giant, seeing that metaphors were being mixed, decided to assume a new name from Arthurian legends. Happily, there was a giant in that epic cycle, named Galapas; thus Fezzik adopted that name.
 
Super Duper Man returned from his long vacation to the Bermuda Triangle Resort and Casino. He chose that location for his escape because he wanted to "disappear" for a while because he was tired of giving Mel Gibson piggy back rides. Super Duper man, like most other casino visitors, returned a pauper.
 
Limousine services were sorry to hear that Super Duper Man was broke. Now he would just fly to places, instead of riding a limo.
 
The Avengers along with Batman and Superman all began standing on the street in protest of lazy super heroes who ride limos. They waved signs reading, "Limos are for Lame-os!" "Heroes aren't Lazy!" and "I don't ride a limousine because I'm not lazy."
 
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One limousine suddenly changed shape, rising up and revealing itself to be a Transformer robot. "Don't yell at me," he told the superheroes; "I'm performing my Autobot duties."
 
The infamous crazy reporter from Orange County, CA had been chasing Super Duper Man all over town in order to interview him about how it felt (and what was going through his mind, of course) when he was giving Mel Gibson piggy back rides. The reporter also wanted to know what plans Super Duper Man had to make ends meet now that he was poor.

What the reporter didn't know was that Super Duper Man had the bad habit of speaking mostly by quoting lyrics of songs by the 70's band America, a habit that was really weird (if albeit funny) to hear. If the crazy reporter had known this, he wouldn't have interviewed Super Duper Man. However, the reported didn't know, so when he finally cornered him, he began the interview by asking:

"So Super Duper Man, what are your plans to be able to support yourself? Have you been looking for a new job?"

"Well," responded Super Duper Man, "I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so darned depressed, then I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed, so I buu buu buu.....

"Woah, woah!" Said the reporter while covering Super Duper Man's mouth with his hand. "You cannot say 'naked' on the air, on a live interview."

"I didn't. I said 'undressed'."

"It's the same thing."

"No it's not!"

"It's too!"

"It's not!"

"It's too!"

"Na ah!"

"Ya ah!"

Needless to say, the interview went downhill from there. Crazy reporter.
 
A young woman who was wearing a bulky sweater and long woollen skirt in hundred-degree heat walked up to Super-Duper-Man as soon as the reporter had given up. "Hello, there, super-dude," she said. "Let me congratulate you on your self-restraint in not hurting that reporter."

Super-Duper-Man was too much of a super-gentleman to use his X-ray vision and see what the woman's body looked like under her massive clothing; but her face was nice enough that he found her charming -- as a result of which, he forgot to speak in song lyrics. "Thanks," he replied. "And if you don't mind my asking, are you a super-heroine? You do seem to have the super-power of being immune to heat."

She smiled. "No, no, I'm just an ordinary person; but it's my job to go around like this. I'm a character in The World's Worst Christian Romance Novel -- notice the capitalization -- written by Vera E. Bland. Our author, you might say our director, aims her stories at the most prudish, inhibited, stuffy and paranoid old grannies she can find anyplace. Because of this, none of the women is allowed to have a figure. What I'm wearing right now is actually my SWIMMING SUIT. You should see my FORMAL attire!"
 
Samson, the real life Biblical super hero, walked past Super Duper Man and the overly-dressed girl. Unfortunately, Samson had a tendency to stare at women, so he kept looking at Miss Over-Dressed and walked into a pole. The pole bent over, and noticing his mistake, Samson decided to sit down on the curb, still staring at the over-dressed girl.
King David walked up to Samson and stated, "It's very un-Jewish to look at a woman with lust."
Samson looked up at David with a dead serius expression, "I wasn't looking with lust. I was merely marvelling at her incredible ability to resist extreme heat, and wondering if God would take it away from her as punishment for showing off like this."
 
Super-Duper-Man stared at the Biblical personages. "Showing off?" he stammered. "If she were any MORE COVERED UP, she'd be in a spacesuit!"

"Funny you should mention that," said the woman. Pressing a secret switch under her sweater, she transformed her outfit INTO A SPACE SUIT, then boarded her stealth-cloaked spaceship and took off.
 
Samson, thus having nothing to look at now, asked David the following question, "Want to play tic-tak-toe?"
"Sure!" David replied and produced a pencil and paper. The two sat playing for hours at this game.
 
"You idiot, these are characters from the Bible! You have to let them return to their own time, or all history for the past three thousand years will be disrupted!"
 
However, nobody heard what the duty officer said because the crazy reporter's producer, upon seeing the commotion and sensing that the interview was botched, began to yell:

"COMMERCIALS! COMMERCIALS! EVERYBODY TAKE FIVE! "

The crew members immediately dropped everything and covered their ears because the producer, to make sure everybody knew what he wanted, turned on his bullhorn that began emitting a loud sound similar to those annoying French Police sirens:

NEE-eu NEE-eu NEE-eu NEE-eu
 
At that moment- CRASH! The DeLorean time machine crashed through the whole miraculously harming no one but the computers in the room. Doc Brown opened the doors and shouted to Samson and David, "Come quick! We've got to get you home to the past!" Before anyone could respond, the Biblical heroes quickly dove into the DeLorean as Doc backed it out of the police station. The car then took off into the air, and disappeared, presumably delivering the Biblical figures back to their appropriate time... Or did it?
 
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