Attention-Deficit Roleplaying

Just then, a tall and lonely looking girl with large tormented eyes and long flowing hair, rode into the story on a white horse. She stopped just long enough to proclaim that she was on a perilous quest to save the world (a quest that only she understood, and that most certainly involved getting hopelessly tangled up in a love triangle), before riding on again into the sunset.
 
And she was then eaten by a very hungry Kraken.

Meanwhile the Plumber was quite happy to oblige Beast, as the Plumber, whose name was Mario, and his brother Luigi had to go save Princess Peach from King Koopa, Bowzer and the Goombas.
 
Fortunately, at that time the American Psychiatric Association was playing with its latest trendy fad -- as a result of which, Mario was appointed General Director of the mental hospital.
 
The crew of the SS Derelict was looking fine at this time, much to Captain Obvious' satisfaction. So far this how the crew looked like:

Captain: Captain Obvious (Obviously)
Pilot: Lonestar
Navigator: Barf the Mog
Chief of Security: Smerdyakov the Evil Purple Duck
Security Crew: Smerdyakov's best Mafiya Goons
Officer in Charge of Random Stuff: Footylumpkins the Weasel
Communications Officer: Super Duper Man
Finance Officer: Quark (from Star Trek fame)
Red Alert Button Pusher: Pippin the Drummer Boy
Entertainment Master: Clovis the Dancing Chihuahua (with a fake beard)

There were still other posts to fill so the trip to Corneria was taking a lot longer to get going. For example, the Captain still needed a second security crew to keep an eye on Smerdyakov's goons. He also needed to fill two important positions, a Tactical Officer and a Chief Engineer, or a "handiiman" as Smerdyakov put it. Most importantly, he still needed a First Mate, but he didn't know anyone he could trust to that position. Someone suggested he try to get a super hero, anyone from Marvel or DC universe would do. The captain was not keen to that idea because he said that as far as he knew, such superheros don't bathe.
 
Since the position given to Footylumpkins clearly covered obtaining unusual items, he took it on himself to round up a large quantity of unmatched shoes for Smerdyakov to play with.
 
Two other guys showed up and wanted to join the crew as Chiefs, yes, Chiefs of Security for the second team that would keep and eye on Smerdyakov and his goons. The guys were former American Civil War enemies, Confederate General Beauregard T. Beauregard (remember that the T stands for Beauregard) and Union Colonel Eugene Templeton Singleton. Actually the old officers kind of blundered into the Derelict while searching for their drummer boy, Pippin. Upon hearing from Pippin that Captain Obvious was looking for second security team, they quickly put their names up for consideration, dreaming of finally achieving some glory in battle, or at least a pie throwing contest.
 
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The small-sized Elves from the old fairytale about the shoemaker offered to bake the pies. They were confused a bit when Beauregard T. Beauregard asked them if they knew how to make a shoo-fly pie; they thought he meant something to do with magical flying shoes.
 
When Footylumpkins explained their role to the new second security chiefs, the old Civil War officers asked if it was possible to bring the mule brigade on board to use as security crew. Footylumpkins objected because he didn't want the mules to start a mule mutiny and decide to join the three-ring circus instead.
 
In a effort to smooth things over, the mules offered to go to work walking treadmills to generate electric power for internal use on board the ship.
 
Meanwhile, BarbarianKing was plotting to make the trip to Corneria to visit his favorite Nintendo characters, Fox McCloud and the gang. However, he knew he had no chance for Captain Obvious to pick him as crew member, as the captain had no need for a Social Worker with no skills in space travel, and being a practical man, solved every problem by pointing to the obvious and giving a well placed smack to the back of the head. So BarbarianKing did the next best best thing he could think of to get on the ship: he would become a stowaway!
 
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Barbarian King didn't realize just how fortunate it was that he had succeeded in stowing away. By getting onto the ship, he had _avoided_ being caught and attacked by a vicious mob. This mob consisted of some fellow social workers who, _unlike_ Barbarian King, didn't want to bother putting themselves out for people. They just wanted to kick back and collect their paychecks, and of course _conscientious_ workers like Barbarian King were making them look bad.
 
After making the decision to stow away in the Derelict, BarbarianKing called his friend Maggie-chan, asking her to lunch.

"What's going on?" She asked at once.

"Nothing. We haven't gotten together in a while, I thought we should have lunch."

Maggie-chan didn't seem to hear the word "nothing" so she just said, "Uhmm, Ok. I'll met you at the Fried Okra in twenty minutes."

When BK arrived at the restaurant, Maggie-chan was already there sipping on ginger ale. "Hi," said BK and greeted his friend with the customary air kiss on the cheek.

"You haven't even called me in like three months and now you just want to have lunch," said Miss Maggie, as she is also known to others. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, really," Answered BK, ever so slightly uncomfortable, which another person would not have noticed, but Maggie did. "Besides, it's only been a few weeks, like three or four, not three months."

"Look, I know something's going on. I can tell."

"How can you tell? Nothing is going on. I just want to have lunch with you."

"Ok, fine, let's have lunch, but you might as well tell me cause I know you. Besides, when you don't call me for three months... or weeks, whatever, it's because you've been up to something."

"Well, whatever, and yes, I did call you to lunch to tell you about something."

"I knew it. Spit it."

And before the burgers and fries had arrived at their table, BK was telling his friend Maggie-chan all about his plan to stow away in the SS Derelict, with none other than Captain Obvious as the big boss. And when he had finished "spitting it", Maggie-chan said:

"What? Are you nuts? You're going in that rust bucket parked by the D docks?
 
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More than a dozen other women were lurking not far from where B-King was meeting with Maggie-chan. All of these women had major crushes on B-King, because he was a man of wisdom, kindness and moral integrity. But none of the infatuated women would admit this openly, not even to the other women in the group, because it went against the pop-culture dogma that the stupidest woman ever born is wiser than the smartest man, the weakest woman ever born is stronger than the strongest man, etc.
 
The Harlequin read the above post and remarked that he would feel incredibly odd after hearing that over a dozen fictional women had crushes on /him./ In any case, he only had eyes for Columbine.

That said, he applied for the position of Master of Diamond-Shaped Things aboard the Derelict.
 
"It's not "parked," it's "docked" at the D pads of the Starport. Besides, all it needs is a few new sections of outer hull plating and it should be alright," said BK in response.

"A few? Pshht! The whole thing needs to be scrapped. It's a Nimbus class cruiser. They were retired ten years ago, you know?"

"Well, apparently this one has had a few modifications both inside and out and from what I heard, it has been retrofitted with a Hyposlip engine."

"And what do you know about Hyposlip systems? Said Maggie-chan, exasperated.

"They were invented by the Hop Pyleen brothers."

"No, I mean, do you know how they work? What would happen if the system fails."

"Look, I don't know how it works but I don't think these engines "fail" just like that. It has to be a catastrophic event...."

"Which is likely to happen to that piece of junk!" Said Maggie-chan, who by this time was already getting cross with BK. "But look, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Who cares about the stupid ship or that silly captain. Why on earth do you wanna go with them? and why sneaking in? It's very unlikely that the ship will make it to the Lylat System so there's no point..."

"What do you mean "them?" Said BK, obviously wanting to know what Maggie-chan knew about the ship or the crew.

"Look, Michael," she said, using his name for the first time. "It's no secret that there's something going on when we have Nimbus Class Star Cruiser par... docked over at the D-pads with all those strange characters going in and out and all manner of crates and boxes being "secretly" brought in at night. Kiki-san told me she saw a purple duck once, quacking orders, and I myself have seen some gangster type guys, they look Russian and have no necks."

"That would be the mafiya goons."

"What?"
 
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(In reply to that last "What?")

"Mafiya. The Russians adopted the Italian word 'mafia,' and put a slightly greater emphasis on the final syllable, because in the Russian alphabet they have this vowel which makes precisely the sound 'YA.' It's the letter which looks like a backwards R, but actually has nothing to do with the Latin-alphabet consonant R."
 
While BarbarianKing and Maggie-chan were having their interesting discussion in some unknown locale, inside the Derelict, a near riot developed. Several of the Circus performers were complaining in force about Pippin banging his drum at all hours of the day and night and they have had enough. They were crowding the passages leading to Captain Obvious' quarters in hopes of bringing their complains directly to the big man. The Mafiya goons, never far from a nice scuffle, were blocking the corridors, preventing the complainers from approaching the Captain's door.
 
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