DestinyLies
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No worries! I will not be gone long! THanks for being my only loyal fan! haha. 
Just writing...
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DestinyLies
Active member
More Merewen
Here is more of the Merewen Story! Hope you like!
Merewen stayed in the tree until the sun went down, and she was sure Ferlon had given up looking for her and had gone home. She climbed out of the tree and walked deeper into the woods. Merewen walked for hours, and was beginning to get tired. She didn’t want to stop and rest wanting to get as far away from Ferlon as she could. In her tiredness she stepped on a stone, fell and rolled down a hill she had been climbing. As she rolled she felt rocks and bushes scrape her body and rip her cloak. She finally stopped rolling at the edge of a clearing. She heard rustling leaves and saw a deer running away from her. She started to get up but collapsed back to the ground in exhaustion.
~Sterling~
Sterling Blade crouched on a low limb of a tree his arrow strung, pointed at t he doe standing several yards away. He released the arrow, just as he heard leaves crunching. The doe had heard it before him and leaped out of the way of his arrow and farther into the woods. He jumped down from the tree planning on following the doe, he stopped when he saw what, or who rather, had cause the deer to flee. A girl who lie on the opposite side of the clearing tried to sit up but she collapsed back to the ground.
Sterling walked over to her and knelt down beside of her. Reaching over he removed her hair from in front of her face. He caught his breath seeing the beauty of the girl. He noticed a bruise on her jaw. What thing could make a bruise that horrible?? He wondered. After slinging his bow around his back Sterling lifted the girl into his arms, stood and walked towards his home. The doe and his arrow forgotten.
Sterling walked through the woods for thirty minutes. He shifted the girl in his arms, glad that his house was just beyond the trees, she was beginning to get heavy. As he stepped out from the trees he saw his little sister in the yard.
“Sterling!” She called as she ran towards him
“Shh, Adela.” Sterling shushed the child.
“What do you have?” Adela asked.
“Not what, who.” Sterling corrected her. “I am not sure yet.” He said. “I found her while hunting.” He headed towards the house. “Go tell Mother to pull down the covers on a bed.” He ordered.
Adela ran towards the house. “Mother, Sterling found a girl whole hunting! Are we going to eat her instead?” She called.
Sterling sighed as he entered the house behind his sister.” I will explain later, but she needs help and rest.” He said.
Colette Blade nodded at her son. “Into the bedroom.” She lead him to one of the beds where she pulled the blanket down. Sterling lay the girl down and straightened up.
“Let me see.” Adela had followed them into the room and was now pushing to get through to see the strange person.
“Oh my.” Colette breathed once she saw the bruises. “Leave so I can get her a fresh dress and help her wounds.” She pushed Sterling towards the door. “Adela go get me the dress handing in Mommy and Daddy’s room.” She told her daughter, the child obeyed after one more glance at he strange girl. Colette began busying herself with making a medicine to ut on the girls cuts.
“Here, Mother.” Adela carried the white dress into the room, handed it to her Colette, then moved to the end of the bed.
“Thank you.” Colette took the dress and laid it on the end of the bed. She stripped the girl of her torn brown dress. “Oh!” Colette covered her mouth with her hand. The poor child was covered in bruises, probably from beatings. She quickly put medicine on the wounds then dressed her. “Adela, go get your brother.” She told the child as she laid the girls head back down on the feather pillow.
“Yes, ma’am.” Adela left the room to go find Sterling.
“Yes, Mother?” Sterling entered the room a minute later. He had probably been waiting outside the house.
“How and where exactly did you find this girl?” Colette asked.
“In a clearing just beyond Henten’s Way.” Sterling replied. “I was about to shoot a doe when I heard leaves rustling. The doe ran away and I planned on following but then I noticed the girl was the cause of the noise. She tried to get up but was unable to. She never moved again.” His eyes kept shifting from his mother to the still figure on the bed.
“The poor thing is covered in bruises. I doubt it is from falling down a hill in the woods.” Colette explained. “I think the girl has been beaten.”
“What could she have done to be beaten that severely?” Sterling wondered his green eyes looked caringly at the girl.
“I don’t know.” Colette replied. “Nothing that I can think of.” She looked at the girl who still had not moved then back at her son. “Stay here while I make some breakfast.” She said. “All right.” Sterling sat down on the wooden chair he had set by the bed. He turned when he felt a touch on his arm. He smiled at Adela. The little girl was just as curious as he was to who the stranger was. “Come here, Adela.” He pulled her up into his lap.
“What are we going to do with her?” Adela asked.
“I don’t know.” Sterling replied. “It depends on what Father says.” He said. His father must have already left for the city. Charlemange Blade was one of the lords of the kingdom of Faerance, he must have left early to take council with the King.
“I hoe she stays.” Adela whispered. “I like her.”
“Yeah, me too.” Sterling agreed. “Go help,, Mother with breakfast.” He told her.
“OK.” Adela sighed but obeyed.
Sterling smiled after his sister then turned his attention back to the bed. Where are you from? And what were you doing in the woods? He thought the questions to him self. He left to go eat breakfast and do his chores but came back as soon as he was done. He sat and watched the girl, hoping and praying that she would wake up soon. She didn’t. He reached out and touched her hand, it felt cold underneath his fingers. He added a blanket over top of her.
“What is this I hear about a strange girl Sterling found in the woods?” Sterling heard his fathers voice in the other room. Sometime later.
“The girl is unconscious and severely beaten.” Colette told her husband. “She’s in the children’s bedroom.”
Sterling turned in the chair as the door opened and his parents stepped inside of the room.
Well!?? How do you like it?
DestinyLies
Here is more of the Merewen Story! Hope you like!
Merewen stayed in the tree until the sun went down, and she was sure Ferlon had given up looking for her and had gone home. She climbed out of the tree and walked deeper into the woods. Merewen walked for hours, and was beginning to get tired. She didn’t want to stop and rest wanting to get as far away from Ferlon as she could. In her tiredness she stepped on a stone, fell and rolled down a hill she had been climbing. As she rolled she felt rocks and bushes scrape her body and rip her cloak. She finally stopped rolling at the edge of a clearing. She heard rustling leaves and saw a deer running away from her. She started to get up but collapsed back to the ground in exhaustion.
~Sterling~
Sterling Blade crouched on a low limb of a tree his arrow strung, pointed at t he doe standing several yards away. He released the arrow, just as he heard leaves crunching. The doe had heard it before him and leaped out of the way of his arrow and farther into the woods. He jumped down from the tree planning on following the doe, he stopped when he saw what, or who rather, had cause the deer to flee. A girl who lie on the opposite side of the clearing tried to sit up but she collapsed back to the ground.
Sterling walked over to her and knelt down beside of her. Reaching over he removed her hair from in front of her face. He caught his breath seeing the beauty of the girl. He noticed a bruise on her jaw. What thing could make a bruise that horrible?? He wondered. After slinging his bow around his back Sterling lifted the girl into his arms, stood and walked towards his home. The doe and his arrow forgotten.
Sterling walked through the woods for thirty minutes. He shifted the girl in his arms, glad that his house was just beyond the trees, she was beginning to get heavy. As he stepped out from the trees he saw his little sister in the yard.
“Sterling!” She called as she ran towards him
“Shh, Adela.” Sterling shushed the child.
“What do you have?” Adela asked.
“Not what, who.” Sterling corrected her. “I am not sure yet.” He said. “I found her while hunting.” He headed towards the house. “Go tell Mother to pull down the covers on a bed.” He ordered.
Adela ran towards the house. “Mother, Sterling found a girl whole hunting! Are we going to eat her instead?” She called.
Sterling sighed as he entered the house behind his sister.” I will explain later, but she needs help and rest.” He said.
Colette Blade nodded at her son. “Into the bedroom.” She lead him to one of the beds where she pulled the blanket down. Sterling lay the girl down and straightened up.
“Let me see.” Adela had followed them into the room and was now pushing to get through to see the strange person.
“Oh my.” Colette breathed once she saw the bruises. “Leave so I can get her a fresh dress and help her wounds.” She pushed Sterling towards the door. “Adela go get me the dress handing in Mommy and Daddy’s room.” She told her daughter, the child obeyed after one more glance at he strange girl. Colette began busying herself with making a medicine to ut on the girls cuts.
“Here, Mother.” Adela carried the white dress into the room, handed it to her Colette, then moved to the end of the bed.
“Thank you.” Colette took the dress and laid it on the end of the bed. She stripped the girl of her torn brown dress. “Oh!” Colette covered her mouth with her hand. The poor child was covered in bruises, probably from beatings. She quickly put medicine on the wounds then dressed her. “Adela, go get your brother.” She told the child as she laid the girls head back down on the feather pillow.
“Yes, ma’am.” Adela left the room to go find Sterling.
“Yes, Mother?” Sterling entered the room a minute later. He had probably been waiting outside the house.
“How and where exactly did you find this girl?” Colette asked.
“In a clearing just beyond Henten’s Way.” Sterling replied. “I was about to shoot a doe when I heard leaves rustling. The doe ran away and I planned on following but then I noticed the girl was the cause of the noise. She tried to get up but was unable to. She never moved again.” His eyes kept shifting from his mother to the still figure on the bed.
“The poor thing is covered in bruises. I doubt it is from falling down a hill in the woods.” Colette explained. “I think the girl has been beaten.”
“What could she have done to be beaten that severely?” Sterling wondered his green eyes looked caringly at the girl.
“I don’t know.” Colette replied. “Nothing that I can think of.” She looked at the girl who still had not moved then back at her son. “Stay here while I make some breakfast.” She said. “All right.” Sterling sat down on the wooden chair he had set by the bed. He turned when he felt a touch on his arm. He smiled at Adela. The little girl was just as curious as he was to who the stranger was. “Come here, Adela.” He pulled her up into his lap.
“What are we going to do with her?” Adela asked.
“I don’t know.” Sterling replied. “It depends on what Father says.” He said. His father must have already left for the city. Charlemange Blade was one of the lords of the kingdom of Faerance, he must have left early to take council with the King.
“I hoe she stays.” Adela whispered. “I like her.”
“Yeah, me too.” Sterling agreed. “Go help,, Mother with breakfast.” He told her.
“OK.” Adela sighed but obeyed.
Sterling smiled after his sister then turned his attention back to the bed. Where are you from? And what were you doing in the woods? He thought the questions to him self. He left to go eat breakfast and do his chores but came back as soon as he was done. He sat and watched the girl, hoping and praying that she would wake up soon. She didn’t. He reached out and touched her hand, it felt cold underneath his fingers. He added a blanket over top of her.
“What is this I hear about a strange girl Sterling found in the woods?” Sterling heard his fathers voice in the other room. Sometime later.
“The girl is unconscious and severely beaten.” Colette told her husband. “She’s in the children’s bedroom.”
Sterling turned in the chair as the door opened and his parents stepped inside of the room.
Well!?? How do you like it?
DestinyLies
Nightcrawler_Fan
New member
Love it. But I always say that.
DestinyLies
Active member
Haha yes you do say that! Thank you! If you can get more readers!!!!Love it. But I always say that.
krazynarniagirl
New member
Wow! This is all great! I just read this entire thread and you're a wonderful writer! Every single post is really, really sweet! I love your style too, having a bunch of stories going and you kind of just post whatever you felt like writing. And then random journal entries of the characters just posted throughout the whole thing is very cool. Please write more of the Merewen story, I really like the plot!
Every single post is really, really sweet! I love your style too, having a bunch of stories going and you kind of just post whatever you felt like writing. And then random journal entries of the characters just posted throughout the whole thing is very cool. Please write more of the Merewen story, I really like the plot!
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DestinyLies
Active member
Thanks! I am glad everyone likes my writings....I've been doing it for about 6 years...I am hoping to publish sometime and when I do my first book will be dedicated to all of my faithful readers on TDL!!!!
DestinyLies
Active member
More Merewen
"Is she awake?" Colette asked.
"No." Sterling shook his head.
"Hopefully she will soon." Colette encouraged him.
"Are you sure she's alive?" Sterling's father (name not known yet) asked.
"_____, don't say such nonsense!" His wife scolded him. "I assure you she is alive. She's breathing isn't she?"
"Well, we shall see what to do with her when she awakens." ______ turned towards the door. "Let's eat." He walked out of the room, his wife and son followed.
Sterling at the meat and vegetables his mother had cooked, then went back to watching the girl, hoping and praying that she would awaken soon. He ran his fingers through his light brown hair and looked at the girl laying motionless on the bed. He leaned over and touched her dark brown hair, it felt smooth and silky beneath his hand. The young man sat like that for some time, when he started to fall asleep he stood, went to his own bed, and collapsed.
"Sterling!" Adela bounced over to him the next morning when he emerged from his bedroom." The girl moved!"
"What?" Sterling rushed to the room the girl lie in.
"I was watching her for you until you woke up. And I saw her move." Adlea explained, she then left the room.
Sterling watched as the figures fingers moved, then her legs. Finally her eyelids fluttered open revealing her eyes. Purple eyes! She sat up but apparently had not seen Sterling yet.
"Miss?" Sterling spoke.
The girl saw him then, she moved tot he far corner of the bed holding the blankets tightly around her.
"It's okay, I won't hurt you." Sterling spoke softly. Who ever beat her must have been a man. He thought. "My name is Sterling. I found you in the woods yesterday morning. Are you ok?" He asked. He offered her his hand. "What's your name?"He asked when she didn't speak.
The girl shook her head and motioned towards her mouth.
"You can't speak?" Sterling said. She nodded. "Can you write?" Another nod. Sterling found a piece of parchment and a pen. "Canyou write your name?" He asked as he set the pieced on the bed. The girl looked at him. "Please? I promise I won't hurt you." Sterling again heald his hand out to her. THis time she etook it and scooted to the edge of the bed. Sterling scooted the chair ,that he had sat in the night before over to the bed, and set the parchment down on it. "Your name?" He heald the pen otu to her.
The girl took it bent over the paper and began writing.
"Merewen." Sterling said when she was done, she nodded in response. "Pretty."
Merewen gave him a smile small but it was big enough to take his breath away.
"Are you hungry?" Sterling asked. "Merewen."
Merewen nodded and mouthed. "Yes."
"Will you come with me? My family is waiting for you." Sterling told her.
Merewen nodded.
Sterling smiled, stood, and lead her by the hand otu of the room. "Merewen, this is my mother Colette, my father ______, and my little sister Adela." He introduced. He guessed that they had heard him say she couldn't speak but he told them anyway.
"It is nice to meet you." Colette smiled at the girl. "Sit breakfast is ready." She motioned to the table.
Merwen shyly followed the family tot he table where she sat down in between Sterling and Adela. Sterlings father asked the Lord's blessing over the food before they began eating.
After breakfast _____ left for town and the rest of the family started their chores. Merewen followed Sterling out to feed the stock.
"Is there a way you talk without writing or mouthing?" Sterling asked as they walked.
Merewen nodded and raised her hands.
"You talk with you hands?" Sterling asked.
Merewen nodded again. "Not a lot." She mouthed.
"Oh. Well we need to find a way that is easier for you." Sterling said as they entered the barn. Merewen smiled her thanks at him. She looked around the barn and saw several horses, a donkey, some chickens, and a cow. Sterling moved over to a bale of hay and fed each animal a part of it, except the chickens, which he fed oats. He talked as he moved.
"My mother put some medicine on your scrapes, she said they should heal soon." He said nothing about her bruises.
Merwen stopped at one of the horse stalls a brown mare stuck her head out. Merewen rubbed the animals soft nose.
"I was hoping you would wake up soon." Sterling said as he came up beside of her. "I was getting worried.
Merewen looked up at him shocked at the caring look he gave her.
"What?" Sterling asked.
Merwen only shook her head and looked away from him.
"I'm sorry if I have hurt you." Sterling apologized.
Merwen shook her head again and mouthed. "No."
"Come on." Sterling motioned for her to follow him. "We need to get these animals some water.
Merewen smiled and followed him to the creek.
Sterling knelt down by the creek and dipped one of the wooden bucket,that they had brought from the barn, into the water. The bucket started to fill with water. He pulled the bucket out of the creek once it was full. Merewen reached down and gripped the rope handle. "Thanks." Sterling muttered as he let go of the handle, he reached for another bucket and dipped it into the water.
Well??? That's all I have written so far. I will write more ASAP!
DestinyLies
Hope you like!Here is more of the Merewen Story! Hope you like!
Colette Blade nodded at her son. “Into the bedroom.” She lead him to one of the beds where she pulled the blanket down. Sterling lay the girl down and straightened up.
“Let me see.” Adela had followed them into the room and was now pushing to get through to see the strange person.
“Oh my.” Colette breathed once she saw the bruises. “Leave so I can get her a fresh dress and help her wounds.” She pushed Sterling towards the door. “Adela go get me the dress handing in Mommy and Daddy’s room.” She told her daughter, the child obeyed after one more glance at he strange girl. Colette began busying herself with making a medicine to ut on the girls cuts.
“Here, Mother.” Adela carried the white dress into the room, handed it to her Colette, then moved to the end of the bed.
“Thank you.” Colette took the dress and laid it on the end of the bed. She stripped the girl of her torn brown dress. “Oh!” Colette covered her mouth with her hand. The poor child was covered in bruises, probably from beatings. She quickly put medicine on the wounds then dressed her. “Adela, go get your brother.” She told the child as she laid the girls head back down on the feather pillow.
“Yes, ma’am.” Adela left the room to go find Sterling.
“Yes, Mother?” Sterling entered the room a minute later. He had probably been waiting outside the house.
“How and where exactly did you find this girl?” Colette asked.
“In a clearing just beyond Henten’s Way.” Sterling replied. “I was about to shoot a doe when I heard leaves rustling. The doe ran away and I planned on following but then I noticed the girl was the cause of the noise. She tried to get up but was unable to. She never moved again.” His eyes kept shifting from his mother to the still figure on the bed.
“The poor thing is covered in bruises. I doubt it is from falling down a hill in the woods.” Colette explained. “I think the girl has been beaten.”
“What could she have done to be beaten that severely?” Sterling wondered his green eyes looked caringly at the girl.
“I don’t know.” Colette replied. “Nothing that I can think of.” She looked at the girl who still had not moved then back at her son. “Stay here while I make some breakfast.” She said. “All right.” Sterling sat down on the wooden chair he had set by the bed. He turned when he felt a touch on his arm. He smiled at Adela. The little girl was just as curious as he was to who the stranger was. “Come here, Adela.” He pulled her up into his lap.
“What are we going to do with her?” Adela asked.
“I don’t know.” Sterling replied. “It depends on what Father says.” He said. His father must have already left for the city. Charlemange Blade was one of the lords of the kingdom of Faerance, he must have left early to take council with the King.
“I hoe she stays.” Adela whispered. “I like her.”
“Yeah, me too.” Sterling agreed. “Go help,, Mother with breakfast.” He told her.
“OK.” Adela sighed but obeyed.
Sterling smiled after his sister then turned his attention back to the bed. Where are you from? And what were you doing in the woods? He thought the questions to him self. He left to go eat breakfast and do his chores but came back as soon as he was done. He sat and watched the girl, hoping and praying that she would wake up soon. She didn’t. He reached out and touched her hand, it felt cold underneath his fingers. He added a blanket over top of her.
“What is this I hear about a strange girl Sterling found in the woods?” Sterling heard his fathers voice in the other room. Sometime later.
“The girl is unconscious and severely beaten.” Colette told her husband. “She’s in the children’s bedroom.”
Sterling turned in the chair as the door opened and his parents stepped inside of the room.
Well!?? How do you like it?
DestinyLies
"Is she awake?" Colette asked.
"No." Sterling shook his head.
"Hopefully she will soon." Colette encouraged him.
"Are you sure she's alive?" Sterling's father (name not known yet) asked.
"_____, don't say such nonsense!" His wife scolded him. "I assure you she is alive. She's breathing isn't she?"
"Well, we shall see what to do with her when she awakens." ______ turned towards the door. "Let's eat." He walked out of the room, his wife and son followed.
Sterling at the meat and vegetables his mother had cooked, then went back to watching the girl, hoping and praying that she would awaken soon. He ran his fingers through his light brown hair and looked at the girl laying motionless on the bed. He leaned over and touched her dark brown hair, it felt smooth and silky beneath his hand. The young man sat like that for some time, when he started to fall asleep he stood, went to his own bed, and collapsed.
"Sterling!" Adela bounced over to him the next morning when he emerged from his bedroom." The girl moved!"
"What?" Sterling rushed to the room the girl lie in.
"I was watching her for you until you woke up. And I saw her move." Adlea explained, she then left the room.
Sterling watched as the figures fingers moved, then her legs. Finally her eyelids fluttered open revealing her eyes. Purple eyes! She sat up but apparently had not seen Sterling yet.
"Miss?" Sterling spoke.
The girl saw him then, she moved tot he far corner of the bed holding the blankets tightly around her.
"It's okay, I won't hurt you." Sterling spoke softly. Who ever beat her must have been a man. He thought. "My name is Sterling. I found you in the woods yesterday morning. Are you ok?" He asked. He offered her his hand. "What's your name?"He asked when she didn't speak.
The girl shook her head and motioned towards her mouth.
"You can't speak?" Sterling said. She nodded. "Can you write?" Another nod. Sterling found a piece of parchment and a pen. "Canyou write your name?" He asked as he set the pieced on the bed. The girl looked at him. "Please? I promise I won't hurt you." Sterling again heald his hand out to her. THis time she etook it and scooted to the edge of the bed. Sterling scooted the chair ,that he had sat in the night before over to the bed, and set the parchment down on it. "Your name?" He heald the pen otu to her.
The girl took it bent over the paper and began writing.
"Merewen." Sterling said when she was done, she nodded in response. "Pretty."
Merewen gave him a smile small but it was big enough to take his breath away.
"Are you hungry?" Sterling asked. "Merewen."
Merewen nodded and mouthed. "Yes."
"Will you come with me? My family is waiting for you." Sterling told her.
Merewen nodded.
Sterling smiled, stood, and lead her by the hand otu of the room. "Merewen, this is my mother Colette, my father ______, and my little sister Adela." He introduced. He guessed that they had heard him say she couldn't speak but he told them anyway.
"It is nice to meet you." Colette smiled at the girl. "Sit breakfast is ready." She motioned to the table.
Merwen shyly followed the family tot he table where she sat down in between Sterling and Adela. Sterlings father asked the Lord's blessing over the food before they began eating.
After breakfast _____ left for town and the rest of the family started their chores. Merewen followed Sterling out to feed the stock.
"Is there a way you talk without writing or mouthing?" Sterling asked as they walked.
Merewen nodded and raised her hands.
"You talk with you hands?" Sterling asked.
Merewen nodded again. "Not a lot." She mouthed.
"Oh. Well we need to find a way that is easier for you." Sterling said as they entered the barn. Merewen smiled her thanks at him. She looked around the barn and saw several horses, a donkey, some chickens, and a cow. Sterling moved over to a bale of hay and fed each animal a part of it, except the chickens, which he fed oats. He talked as he moved.
"My mother put some medicine on your scrapes, she said they should heal soon." He said nothing about her bruises.
Merwen stopped at one of the horse stalls a brown mare stuck her head out. Merewen rubbed the animals soft nose.
"I was hoping you would wake up soon." Sterling said as he came up beside of her. "I was getting worried.
Merewen looked up at him shocked at the caring look he gave her.
"What?" Sterling asked.
Merwen only shook her head and looked away from him.
"I'm sorry if I have hurt you." Sterling apologized.
Merwen shook her head again and mouthed. "No."
"Come on." Sterling motioned for her to follow him. "We need to get these animals some water.
Merewen smiled and followed him to the creek.
Sterling knelt down by the creek and dipped one of the wooden bucket,that they had brought from the barn, into the water. The bucket started to fill with water. He pulled the bucket out of the creek once it was full. Merewen reached down and gripped the rope handle. "Thanks." Sterling muttered as he let go of the handle, he reached for another bucket and dipped it into the water.
Well??? That's all I have written so far. I will write more ASAP!
DestinyLies
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DestinyLies
Active member
I think I may re-write this.
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Truman
Banned
A Full Review...
Well, now I'm one of your readers.
This is pretty long; I'll have to separate it into two.
First of all, just wanted to point out you spell "rather" and "felt" wrong whenever you write them (you put "wrather," and replace "ea" with anything having an "eh" sound, as in "felt" or "held"). Secondly, pros and cons. I'll give the cons first so I can save the best for last. But remember, I'm seriously trying to give constructive criticism only, don't take any of the cons the wrong way! I am in no way trying to slam your writing ability (which I believe to be beautiful, by the way).
THE CONS:
~The Joseph/Katherine Chronicles: I completely understand your longing for "Mr. Right" as far as men go, but you seem to pile up every single good thing you want in a man on Joe's character, which to me makes him look a bit unrealistic as a person in general. At first the whole "I love you" "No one's prettier than you" thing was cute. I loved it; made me feel all warm inside. But then it got kind of repetitive and monotonous when he kept saying it over and over...
Then I thought, "Hey! This guy is gone months at a time; what guy who loves a girl wouldn't say these things a lot when he does have the time? When he can come home?" Seems logical enough, but it's just the way he does everything; says everything. Not guy-like enough to me. (I'm a guy, and this guy seems just too good to be true!) I dunno. He has no flaws. "Isn't that supposed to be good?" Well... it's good not to have flaws, but if you want your character to be really believable you gotta give him quirks. Habits. Things that he does. Does he have a bad memory in the army? Is there something on his mind other than Katherine? To me it seems he's just saying "I love you" and kissing her all the time. Let him be a guy sometimes.
I know you had "The Fight" scene between them, but it just wasn't enough, and I agree with Rhyanidd's analysis of Joe being "out of character" when he said such things. His reactions seemed forced, not natural. His character you established him as didn't make room for him to be unaccepting in such a situation. You could have the "he's been gone for months" excuse, but it just doesn't seem enough of a reason for him to be averse at such a trifle issue.
~The Daniel Dream: Seems unrealistic... I know, it's a dream. No harm in it being a little off-normal. But his line, "I'll be coming down soon" and similar phrases turned me off. I mean, it costs millions of dollars to get someone into space, much less out. It takes time, patience, double-checking, etc. Point is, it takes a lot to plan out these things. So when Daniel says, "I'm coming down Tuesday," it's like he's saying, "happens all the time," like he could just go back up anytime, when in fact it's our tax dollars that get him up there. Other than that, that's pretty much all I object to.
~Merewen: Ferlon has absolutely no compassion and no feelings at all for Merewen; it seems like he considers her a "thing" rather than a girl, just because she can't speak. Even when he finds her he thinks of only himself, not the girl. My objection: Who's like this? I mean, doesn't the guy have some sort of benevolence in his heart? I know the concept you were going for, and it really worked...
It's almost like Arsheesh selling Shasta in HHB. Lewis also went for the concept... but I felt that you took it to the cruelty level, surpassed it, and then overrode it to Hitler heights, if you know what I mean. His friend who comes later is the same. I've honestly never heard of such joy dealt to a person from seeing a girl being slapped. That's just... evil. I mean, sure there are people like that, but it just seemed too much, too soon. You know? In stories you usually meet people like that later on, not as beginners to a tale.
~Overall cons: All the good guys are written the same, to me at least. Your strong point is women. I totally saw who was who, what each girl was all about, and what they felt about things. But your style for the guys was "If they're good guys, they're all the same, good-natured people." That's what it came off as to me. Maybe they're different, but I can't tell when I read. You gotta give them quirks!
Your style where you describe a person like, "the young man" or "my husband" just isn't working. Sometimes you just have to describe him as a plain "he." I know you're trying to put diversity in your descriptions, but at certain points it... I don't know how else to say, it just doesn't work sometimes. Another thing, you almost always say "his eyes sparkled" when you want to fill in a blank. Very effective, but it gets dull after a while. Try to describe something else about his face or... his movement even! He could look away, then back at the girl like that emotional thing Jack does, from "Lost"! That's a good expression. Little things like that.
All your stories seem to ultimately be about romance. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that that's all there seems to be. With Merewen's story you sort of left that idea for a while, but then you came back to it with Sterling. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all! I just think... I think you should start incorporating plots into each segment, like... what is the ultimate point of each story? I know, you get to it in the end, but especially with the Joseph/Katherine Chronicles, I feel there's no driving force behind the story, like it's just a bunch of diary entries of good things that happened, like it's a big Forrest Gump story (life story) that basically talks about what happened in the lives of these two people. Sure, the type of story (life story) is there, but it has to have a driving force. That's what I think, anyway.
~Continued in the next post...~
Well, now I'm one of your readers.
This is pretty long; I'll have to separate it into two.
First of all, just wanted to point out you spell "rather" and "felt" wrong whenever you write them (you put "wrather," and replace "ea" with anything having an "eh" sound, as in "felt" or "held"). Secondly, pros and cons. I'll give the cons first so I can save the best for last. But remember, I'm seriously trying to give constructive criticism only, don't take any of the cons the wrong way! I am in no way trying to slam your writing ability (which I believe to be beautiful, by the way).
THE CONS:
~The Joseph/Katherine Chronicles: I completely understand your longing for "Mr. Right" as far as men go, but you seem to pile up every single good thing you want in a man on Joe's character, which to me makes him look a bit unrealistic as a person in general. At first the whole "I love you" "No one's prettier than you" thing was cute. I loved it; made me feel all warm inside. But then it got kind of repetitive and monotonous when he kept saying it over and over...
Then I thought, "Hey! This guy is gone months at a time; what guy who loves a girl wouldn't say these things a lot when he does have the time? When he can come home?" Seems logical enough, but it's just the way he does everything; says everything. Not guy-like enough to me. (I'm a guy, and this guy seems just too good to be true!) I dunno. He has no flaws. "Isn't that supposed to be good?" Well... it's good not to have flaws, but if you want your character to be really believable you gotta give him quirks. Habits. Things that he does. Does he have a bad memory in the army? Is there something on his mind other than Katherine? To me it seems he's just saying "I love you" and kissing her all the time. Let him be a guy sometimes.
I know you had "The Fight" scene between them, but it just wasn't enough, and I agree with Rhyanidd's analysis of Joe being "out of character" when he said such things. His reactions seemed forced, not natural. His character you established him as didn't make room for him to be unaccepting in such a situation. You could have the "he's been gone for months" excuse, but it just doesn't seem enough of a reason for him to be averse at such a trifle issue.
~The Daniel Dream: Seems unrealistic... I know, it's a dream.
No harm in it being a little off-normal. But his line, "I'll be coming down soon" and similar phrases turned me off. I mean, it costs millions of dollars to get someone into space, much less out. It takes time, patience, double-checking, etc. Point is, it takes a lot to plan out these things. So when Daniel says, "I'm coming down Tuesday," it's like he's saying, "happens all the time," like he could just go back up anytime, when in fact it's our tax dollars that get him up there. Other than that, that's pretty much all I object to.~Merewen: Ferlon has absolutely no compassion and no feelings at all for Merewen; it seems like he considers her a "thing" rather than a girl, just because she can't speak. Even when he finds her he thinks of only himself, not the girl. My objection: Who's like this? I mean, doesn't the guy have some sort of benevolence in his heart? I know the concept you were going for, and it really worked...
It's almost like Arsheesh selling Shasta in HHB. Lewis also went for the concept... but I felt that you took it to the cruelty level, surpassed it, and then overrode it to Hitler heights, if you know what I mean. His friend who comes later is the same. I've honestly never heard of such joy dealt to a person from seeing a girl being slapped. That's just... evil. I mean, sure there are people like that, but it just seemed too much, too soon. You know? In stories you usually meet people like that later on, not as beginners to a tale.
~Overall cons: All the good guys are written the same, to me at least. Your strong point is women. I totally saw who was who, what each girl was all about, and what they felt about things. But your style for the guys was "If they're good guys, they're all the same, good-natured people." That's what it came off as to me. Maybe they're different, but I can't tell when I read. You gotta give them quirks!
Your style where you describe a person like, "the young man" or "my husband" just isn't working. Sometimes you just have to describe him as a plain "he." I know you're trying to put diversity in your descriptions, but at certain points it... I don't know how else to say, it just doesn't work sometimes. Another thing, you almost always say "his eyes sparkled" when you want to fill in a blank. Very effective, but it gets dull after a while. Try to describe something else about his face or... his movement even! He could look away, then back at the girl like that emotional thing Jack does, from "Lost"!
That's a good expression. Little things like that.All your stories seem to ultimately be about romance. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that that's all there seems to be. With Merewen's story you sort of left that idea for a while, but then you came back to it with Sterling. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all! I just think... I think you should start incorporating plots into each segment, like... what is the ultimate point of each story? I know, you get to it in the end, but especially with the Joseph/Katherine Chronicles, I feel there's no driving force behind the story, like it's just a bunch of diary entries of good things that happened, like it's a big Forrest Gump story (life story) that basically talks about what happened in the lives of these two people. Sure, the type of story (life story) is there, but it has to have a driving force. That's what I think, anyway.
~Continued in the next post...~
Truman
Banned
A Full Review, Cont.
~...Continued from the last post.~
AAAAHHHH!!!!!! The cons, the cons... they're OVER!! Time to tell you where I thought you were totally AWESOME!
THE PROS:
~The Joseph/Katherine Chronicles: You've marvelously established each of the characters' persona and situations. The way you began each segment immediately drew my attention every time, as well as kept it. That's very important, where you draw the reader in with the first chapter at least. But you're very light on the reader's attention, putting an interesting circumstance on the table which promptly causes the audience to want more, concerning the story. This is all done in less than a paragraph and I applaud your ability to accomplish such.
Katherine's character comes off as high-spirited, moody, and affectionate. One thing's for sure, she'd be a great friend to anyone, because she's so true; so admirable; completely devoted as a girlfriend/wife, and deeply thoughtful of others. It's true, her character is mostly all about Joseph, but whenever she encounters other people she takes those qualities and creates a sort of aura for herself that anyone else would kill to have. I love her character.
The addition of January was just delightful and really gave a human face to the whole story.
Joe's character, however slightly unrealistic as a guy essentially, is an admirable man. For a description I quickly think: attractive; charming; humble; amorous. Quick to respond, foreign to acrimony. I like him. I like his demeanor; I like his view on love.
Overall, the whole look is happy. It's rare you get to read any stories with good people with good qualities all around, and it makes me all cozy inside! It's like they both had a taste of the magic fairy love potion from "A Midsummer Night's Dream," and they can't stop loving each other.
~The Princess Destiny: I didn't mention this in the cons because I really didn't find anything wrong with it. Again, perfect introduction. The characters are clearly established and adequately described, and the plot is openly presented with no guessing. I was drawn into the story immediately and felt for Destiny's character almost instantly.
The suitor who takes Destiny outside is very realistic, first talking about her beauty and turning on other women he's seen to make her feel special, while it just makes her disgusted with how easily he could pass off other women, simultaneously opening the door for him to diss her in front of other possible matches for him if the case ensues where he doesn't marry her. Very good! Very attentive to the outline, and very realistic. Again, the face of the story is presented with that short scene between Destiny and Kalen, and I enjoyed every minute of reading.
~The Daniel Dream: This is my favorite story of yours. I absolutely adored Amber's character, and that's saying a lot, considering you didn't describe her nearly as much as Candi. The "test" and the encounter with Daniel on the phone. The face for this story took me with the motion Amber gave to Candi while on the phone with Daniel, with the "mouthed 'aw.'" That gave me a big smile and encouraged me to read on for more. That was my favorite part of the story: "Amber's Test" we should call it. I know, it was hardly anything; pretty short, but it was cute, imaginative, and gave your audience something to smile about.
Daniel lives in space. Um, wow? Finding Candi as his "chosen" was such a sweet incorporation. The explanation was completely believable for why he'd choose her to call. Even the addition of her writing in her journal on the roof made it all the more interesting. Daniel is obviously a lonely guy, just looking for someone to talk to... possibly more. We know they date in the future, but how do they get there? You gotta reveal the gap! That's going to be fun to read.
Candi... I admire her spunk to actually call the number back! I was thinking early-on it might be a prowler... You know, there's room for the whole space thing to be just a big fat lie, that he's just been spying on her and he's really just a freak. Maybe not. Maybe he's a truthful guy like Joseph Guyer and he really does live up there. We don't know. I'd love for you to elaborate more on this story. This is the most interesting one, to me at least.
~Merewen: What a tale... Let me tell you, this story has the potential to have all elements of a full drama, not just romance between her and Sterling. The whole family is a solid, elegant family with compassion and heart. Sterling tops as the generic, humble hero, and serves well as a character we would want to love.
Merewen? Hers is a heartbreaking story of vile abuse. You set up the audience with a situation that no one can help but deeply feel for. The desire for freedom from Ferlon is clear and the fulfillment of this hope is perfectly fueled with her escape to the woods. Then being found by a dashing young, kind man? Ah! It's lovely just to think about, but reading it out is just candy. This synopsis is similar to other stories of hurt and hope, but adding muteness to her plight was the cherry on top. How will she learn to speak?
All sorts of doors are opened with this outline. You're practically set for a novel out of this one. Now having formally met with Sterling anything could happen; in the style which you wrote it, it won't be too hard for you.
Purple eyes?? What uniqueness! For her muteness being the cherry on top, her purple eyes are the icing on the cake. I could see big things happening with Merewen, maybe even bigger than gaining the ability to speak... Tons of potential for the future of the story.
~Overall pros: Your style carries the full attention of the audience. Everything you write is immediately interesting from the beginning, and what's better is you maintain the audience's curiosity for more.
Caring for your characters and making your readers care is your strongest writing point. If anything bad happened to one of your characters, we, your audience, would be totally doleful, more or less so depending on the situation.
At times your writing is almost poetic, like there's hidden meaning behind an emotion, or... something. I don't know, sometimes it just seems like there's more to love when two characters kiss; sort of like a soul binding. How do you do that?
------------
I haven't included some of your other stuff in the pros and cons, like the Pyralis story, since it's not that developed... in my mind, at least. Your poem was wonderful, just like everything else you've written. PLEASE continue writing! This is a beautiful talent you've embellished and I'm glad you're sharing it with us all. You'll make an incredible professional writer someday, especially with novels. You know what's really weird? The fact that your username ties in exactly with your greatest ability.
~...Continued from the last post.~
AAAAHHHH!!!!!! The cons, the cons... they're OVER!! Time to tell you where I thought you were totally AWESOME!
THE PROS:
~The Joseph/Katherine Chronicles: You've marvelously established each of the characters' persona and situations. The way you began each segment immediately drew my attention every time, as well as kept it. That's very important, where you draw the reader in with the first chapter at least. But you're very light on the reader's attention, putting an interesting circumstance on the table which promptly causes the audience to want more, concerning the story. This is all done in less than a paragraph and I applaud your ability to accomplish such.
Katherine's character comes off as high-spirited, moody, and affectionate. One thing's for sure, she'd be a great friend to anyone, because she's so true; so admirable; completely devoted as a girlfriend/wife, and deeply thoughtful of others. It's true, her character is mostly all about Joseph, but whenever she encounters other people she takes those qualities and creates a sort of aura for herself that anyone else would kill to have. I love her character.
The addition of January was just delightful and really gave a human face to the whole story.
Joe's character, however slightly unrealistic as a guy essentially, is an admirable man. For a description I quickly think: attractive; charming; humble; amorous. Quick to respond, foreign to acrimony. I like him. I like his demeanor; I like his view on love.
Overall, the whole look is happy. It's rare you get to read any stories with good people with good qualities all around, and it makes me all cozy inside!
It's like they both had a taste of the magic fairy love potion from "A Midsummer Night's Dream," and they can't stop loving each other.~The Princess Destiny: I didn't mention this in the cons because I really didn't find anything wrong with it. Again, perfect introduction. The characters are clearly established and adequately described, and the plot is openly presented with no guessing. I was drawn into the story immediately and felt for Destiny's character almost instantly.
The suitor who takes Destiny outside is very realistic, first talking about her beauty and turning on other women he's seen to make her feel special, while it just makes her disgusted with how easily he could pass off other women, simultaneously opening the door for him to diss her in front of other possible matches for him if the case ensues where he doesn't marry her. Very good! Very attentive to the outline, and very realistic. Again, the face of the story is presented with that short scene between Destiny and Kalen, and I enjoyed every minute of reading.
~The Daniel Dream: This is my favorite story of yours. I absolutely adored Amber's character, and that's saying a lot, considering you didn't describe her nearly as much as Candi. The "test" and the encounter with Daniel on the phone. The face for this story took me with the motion Amber gave to Candi while on the phone with Daniel, with the "mouthed 'aw.'" That gave me a big smile and encouraged me to read on for more. That was my favorite part of the story: "Amber's Test" we should call it. I know, it was hardly anything; pretty short, but it was cute, imaginative, and gave your audience something to smile about.
Daniel lives in space. Um, wow? Finding Candi as his "chosen" was such a sweet incorporation. The explanation was completely believable for why he'd choose her to call. Even the addition of her writing in her journal on the roof made it all the more interesting. Daniel is obviously a lonely guy, just looking for someone to talk to... possibly more. We know they date in the future, but how do they get there? You gotta reveal the gap! That's going to be fun to read.
Candi... I admire her spunk to actually call the number back! I was thinking early-on it might be a prowler... You know, there's room for the whole space thing to be just a big fat lie, that he's just been spying on her and he's really just a freak. Maybe not. Maybe he's a truthful guy like Joseph Guyer and he really does live up there. We don't know. I'd love for you to elaborate more on this story. This is the most interesting one, to me at least.
~Merewen: What a tale... Let me tell you, this story has the potential to have all elements of a full drama, not just romance between her and Sterling. The whole family is a solid, elegant family with compassion and heart. Sterling tops as the generic, humble hero, and serves well as a character we would want to love.
Merewen? Hers is a heartbreaking story of vile abuse. You set up the audience with a situation that no one can help but deeply feel for. The desire for freedom from Ferlon is clear and the fulfillment of this hope is perfectly fueled with her escape to the woods. Then being found by a dashing young, kind man? Ah! It's lovely just to think about, but reading it out is just candy. This synopsis is similar to other stories of hurt and hope, but adding muteness to her plight was the cherry on top. How will she learn to speak?
All sorts of doors are opened with this outline. You're practically set for a novel out of this one. Now having formally met with Sterling anything could happen; in the style which you wrote it, it won't be too hard for you.
Purple eyes?? What uniqueness! For her muteness being the cherry on top, her purple eyes are the icing on the cake. I could see big things happening with Merewen, maybe even bigger than gaining the ability to speak... Tons of potential for the future of the story.
~Overall pros: Your style carries the full attention of the audience. Everything you write is immediately interesting from the beginning, and what's better is you maintain the audience's curiosity for more.
Caring for your characters and making your readers care is your strongest writing point. If anything bad happened to one of your characters, we, your audience, would be totally doleful, more or less so depending on the situation.
At times your writing is almost poetic, like there's hidden meaning behind an emotion, or... something. I don't know, sometimes it just seems like there's more to love when two characters kiss; sort of like a soul binding. How do you do that?
------------
I haven't included some of your other stuff in the pros and cons, like the Pyralis story, since it's not that developed... in my mind, at least. Your poem was wonderful, just like everything else you've written. PLEASE continue writing! This is a beautiful talent you've embellished and I'm glad you're sharing it with us all. You'll make an incredible professional writer someday, especially with novels. You know what's really weird? The fact that your username ties in exactly with your greatest ability.
Last edited:
DestinyLies
Active member
OK Right now I've finished the cons....yes I know Joe is "perfect" and I am working on his flows and everything.......I am totally rewriting the first two books in that series so I am actually recreating the two characters and right now I just write normally for my eyes not really anyone elses. The Daniel dream is supposedly written way way in the future (i think). And Merewen is a rough draft. I am working on getting more detailed...it use to be all full of "said"s. I know what Joe does alot and I don't like writing it alot but that just is how it comes out I don't know why. The excertps I write MOST of them will not be put into the books I just like reading them. In your opinion how did you like how Joe and Kandie met...or re-met. I know I spelled rather and felt wrong...I may write constantly but I can't spell! haha and I have learned that I spell them wrong and I haven't had the time to spell check all of my posts. SORRY! Thank you for your advice. Your's probably means the most to me, not only because you are a write also (because all of my readers I believe are writer in some way) but also because you took the time to read EVERY SINGLE post I wrote and to "break down" each story line. And because you're my TDL big brother. That's what big brothers do, they help little sisters out.Well, now I'm one of your readers.
This is pretty long; I'll have to separate it into two.
First of all, just wanted to point out you spell "rather" and "felt" wrong whenever you write them (you put "wrather," and replace "ea" with anything having an "eh" sound, as in "felt" or "held"). Secondly, pros and cons. I'll give the cons first so I can save the best for last. But remember, I'm seriously trying to give constructive criticism only, don't take any of the cons the wrong way! I am in no way trying to slam your writing ability (which I believe to be beautiful, by the way).
THE CONS:
~The Joseph/Katherine Chronicles: I completely understand your longing for "Mr. Right" as far as men go, but you seem to pile up every single good thing you want in a man on Joe's character, which to me makes him look a bit unrealistic as a person in general. At first the whole "I love you" "No one's prettier than you" thing was cute. I loved it; made me feel all warm inside. But then it got kind of repetitive and monotonous when he kept saying it over and over...
Then I thought, "Hey! This guy is gone months at a time; what guy who loves a girl wouldn't say these things a lot when he does have the time? When he can come home?" Seems logical enough, but it's just the way he does everything; says everything. Not guy-like enough to me. (I'm a guy, and this guy seems just too good to be true!) I dunno. He has no flaws. "Isn't that supposed to be good?" Well... it's good not to have flaws, but if you want your character to be really believable you gotta give him quirks. Habits. Things that he does. Does he have a bad memory in the army? Is there something on his mind other than Katherine? To me it seems he's just saying "I love you" and kissing her all the time. Let him be a guy sometimes.
I know you had "The Fight" scene between them, but it just wasn't enough, and I agree with Rhyanidd's analysis of Joe being "out of character" when he said such things. His reactions seemed forced, not natural. His character you established him as didn't make room for him to be unaccepting in such a situation. You could have the "he's been gone for months" excuse, but it just doesn't seem enough of a reason for him to be averse at such a trifle issue.
~The Daniel Dream: Seems unrealistic... I know, it's a dream.
~Merewen: Ferlon has absolutely no compassion and no feelings at all for Merewen; it seems like he considers her a "thing" rather than a girl, just because she can't speak. Even when he finds her he thinks of only himself, not the girl. My objection: Who's like this? I mean, doesn't the guy have some sort of benevolence in his heart? I know the concept you were going for, and it really worked...
It's almost like Arsheesh selling Shasta in HHB. Lewis also went for the concept... but I felt that you took it to the cruelty level, surpassed it, and then overrode it to Hitler heights, if you know what I mean. His friend who comes later is the same. I've honestly never heard of such joy dealt to a person from seeing a girl being slapped. That's just... evil. I mean, sure there are people like that, but it just seemed too much, too soon. You know? In stories you usually meet people like that later on, not as beginners to a tale.
~Overall cons: All the good guys are written the same, to me at least. Your strong point is women. I totally saw who was who, what each girl was all about, and what they felt about things. But your style for the guys was "If they're good guys, they're all the same, good-natured people." That's what it came off as to me. Maybe they're different, but I can't tell when I read. You gotta give them quirks!
Your style where you describe a person like, "the young man" or "my husband" just isn't working. Sometimes you just have to describe him as a plain "he." I know you're trying to put diversity in your descriptions, but at certain points it... I don't know how else to say, it just doesn't work sometimes. Another thing, you almost always say "his eyes sparkled" when you want to fill in a blank. Very effective, but it gets dull after a while. Try to describe something else about his face or... his movement even! He could look away, then back at the girl like that emotional thing Jack does, from "Lost"!
All your stories seem to ultimately be about romance. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that that's all there seems to be. With Merewen's story you sort of left that idea for a while, but then you came back to it with Sterling. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all! I just think... I think you should start incorporating plots into each segment, like... what is the ultimate point of each story? I know, you get to it in the end, but especially with the Joseph/Katherine Chronicles, I feel there's no driving force behind the story, like it's just a bunch of diary entries of good things that happened, like it's a big Forrest Gump story (life story) that basically talks about what happened in the lives of these two people. Sure, the type of story (life story) is there, but it has to have a driving force. That's what I think, anyway.
~Continued in the next post...~
Since the excerpt I have written here are of when Joe is older I haven't been able to actually "show" him to you. Nor any of my other characters. TRYING! Sorry!!!!!! THANKS FOR THE HELP! Now on to the Pros!
DestinyLies
Active member
How does my username go with my greatest ability?? Haha~...Continued from the last post.~
AAAAHHHH!!!!!! The cons, the cons... they're OVER!! Time to tell you where I thought you were totally AWESOME!
THE PROS:
~The Joseph/Katherine Chronicles: You've marvelously established each of the characters' persona and situations. The way you began each segment immediately drew my attention every time, as well as kept it. That's very important, where you draw the reader in with the first chapter at least. But you're very light on the reader's attention, putting an interesting circumstance on the table which promptly causes the audience to want more, concerning the story. This is all done in less than a paragraph and I applaud your ability to accomplish such.
Katherine's character comes off as high-spirited, moody, and affectionate. One thing's for sure, she'd be a great friend to anyone, because she's so true; so admirable; completely devoted as a girlfriend/wife, and deeply thoughtful of others. It's true, her character is mostly all about Joseph, but whenever she encounters other people she takes those qualities and creates a sort of aura for herself that anyone else would kill to have. I love her character.
The addition of January was just delightful and really gave a human face to the whole story.
Joe's character, however slightly unrealistic as a guy essentially, is an admirable man. For a description I quickly think: attractive; charming; humble; amorous. Quick to respond, foreign to acrimony. I like him. I like his demeanor; I like his view on love.
Overall, the whole look is happy. It's rare you get to read any stories with good people with good qualities all around, and it makes me all cozy inside!
~The Princess Destiny: I didn't mention this in the cons because I really didn't find anything wrong with it. Again, perfect introduction. The characters are clearly established and adequately described, and the plot is openly presented with no guessing. I was drawn into the story immediately and felt for Destiny's character almost instantly.
The suitor who takes Destiny outside is very realistic, first talking about her beauty and turning on other women he's seen to make her feel special, while it just makes her disgusted with how easily he could pass off other women, simultaneously opening the door for him to diss her in front of other possible matches for him if the case ensues where he doesn't marry her. Very good! Very attentive to the outline, and very realistic. Again, the face of the story is presented with that short scene between Destiny and Kalen, and I enjoyed every minute of reading.
~The Daniel Dream: This is my favorite story of yours. I absolutely adored Amber's character, and that's saying a lot, considering you didn't describe her nearly as much as Candi. The "test" and the encounter with Daniel on the phone. The face for this story took me with the motion Amber gave to Candi while on the phone with Daniel, with the "mouthed 'aw.'" That gave me a big smile and encouraged me to read on for more. That was my favorite part of the story: "Amber's Test" we should call it. I know, it was hardly anything; pretty short, but it was cute, imaginative, and gave your audience something to smile about.
Daniel lives in space. Um, wow? Finding Candi as his "chosen" was such a sweet incorporation. The explanation was completely believable for why he'd choose her to call. Even the addition of her writing in her journal on the roof made it all the more interesting. Daniel is obviously a lonely guy, just looking for someone to talk to... possibly more. We know they date in the future, but how do they get there? You gotta reveal the gap! That's going to be fun to read.
Candi... I admire her spunk to actually call the number back! I was thinking early-on it might be a prowler... You know, there's room for the whole space thing to be just a big fat lie, that he's just been spying on her and he's really just a freak. Maybe not. Maybe he's a truthful guy like Joseph Guyer and he really does live up there. We don't know. I'd love for you to elaborate more on this story. This is the most interesting one, to me at least.
~Merewen: What a tale... Let me tell you, this story has the potential to have all elements of a full drama, not just romance between her and Sterling. The whole family is a solid, elegant family with compassion and heart. Sterling tops as the generic, humble hero, and serves well as a character we would want to love.
Merewen? Hers is a heartbreaking story of vile abuse. You set up the audience with a situation that no one can help but deeply feel for. The desire for freedom from Ferlon is clear and the fulfillment of this hope is perfectly fueled with her escape to the woods. Then being found by a dashing young, kind man? Ah! It's lovely just to think about, but reading it out is just candy. This synopsis is similar to other stories of hurt and hope, but adding muteness to her plight was the cherry on top. How will she learn to speak?
All sorts of doors are opened with this outline. You're practically set for a novel out of this one. Now having formally met with Sterling anything could happen; in the style which you wrote it, it won't be too hard for you.
Purple eyes?? What uniqueness! For her muteness being the cherry on top, her purple eyes are the icing on the cake. I could see big things happening with Merewen, maybe even bigger than gaining the ability to speak... Tons of potential for the future of the story.
~Overall pros: Your style carries the full attention of the audience. Everything you write is immediately interesting from the beginning, and what's better is you maintain the audience's curiosity for more.
Caring for your characters and making your readers care is your strongest writing point. If anything bad happened to one of your characters, we, your audience, would be totally doleful, more or less so depending on the situation.
At times your writing is almost poetic, like there's hidden meaning behind an emotion, or... something. I don't know, sometimes it just seems like there's more to love when two characters kiss; sort of like a soul binding. How do you do that?
------------
I haven't included some of your other stuff in the pros and cons, like the Pyralis story, since it's not that developed... in my mind, at least. Your poem was wonderful, just like everything else you've written. PLEASE continue writing! This is a beautiful talent you've embellished and I'm glad you're sharing it with us all. You'll make an incredible professional writer someday, especially with novels. You know what's really weird? The fact that your username ties in exactly with your greatest ability.
Um, in the Daniel Dream...Candi is me...Amber is my best friend (those are our real names) and as for "Katherine" she is a part of me as well hence the "Kandie". Since I am NOT a guy I only write what I want in a guy. (HELP ME WITH THAT). I don't have much experience with guys and that doesn't help either. I am glad you LOVED the Destiny story...that I think started out as my "Elements" RPG here on TDL but then I wrote that as the beginning. I will take the characters (giving the credit of them to their creators) and do the story...including the RPG.
When I got the Merewen idea I was trying to take a nap on a Sunday afternoone, but I kept thinking about it and so i sat up grabbed my journal I always keep with me and started writing. I felt (spelled right haha) a "sensational" feeling in my stomache that I often feel when I love what I am writing and am really excited about it.
The Joe and Kandie story started when I was 12 years old...winter time and there was a big snow storm expected. I sat in my bed all of the next day writing...I wrote the first two "books" of Joe and Kandie in a day...or two. And they are so HORRIBLE I have to completely rewrite them. Which I have not done much of. I will try to post that as well.
Like you I don't much like how I have Joe and Kandie...."perfect". THANKS!
DestinyLies
Active member
Joe and Kandie
On behalf of my big brother Truman I am posting the beginning of the Joe and Kandie Chroncicles. The entire re-write as I am re-writing it. This post is the start of the first chapter. I don't like how I re-wrote it (I can type that up as well) and so I changed it to this. Kandie originally stayed at the Guyers awhile (and didn't tell them anything except that she was running away) before her mom came looking for her.
“Ready, Josey?” I asked my best friend. We crouched in the bushes outside my house. Tonight was finally the night. We were running away. I pushed my dark brown hair back out of my face. I had been waiting to leave home since my parents stopped paying attention to me and more to my seven other siblings. (note: I might change the reason).
“Ready.” Josey nodded, her dirty blond hair shined with the light coming from the window behind us. “Three…” she started to count down., “two…..” she held up her fingers, “one.” We broke from the bushes and ran into the woods. I tried to keep up with Josey, but it was hard in the dark woods. I wasn’t as fast or sporty as Josey so she often got ahead of me.
“Come on, Kandie!” Josey called for me.
“I’m coming!” I yelled after her. In the dark I couldn’t see the tree root in front of me. The toe of my tennis shoe caught the root and I fell to the ground. Quickly picking myself up I looked around for my friend. “Josey!” I called not seeing her. “Josephine!” I screamed. She didn’t respond. I started running in the direction I last saw my friend going. I called for her as I ran. I turned around hearing the sound of leaves crunching. “Josey?” I whispered my heart beat quickening. No reply.
A hunter stepped out from behind a bush. “What are you doing on my hunting land?” He asked in a gruff voice.
“I-I’m sorry. I lost my friend.” I stammered.
“Get out!” The man yelled as he swung his arms at me.
I turned and ran deeper into the woods. Far away from the hunter and his land. I kept running, still calling for Josey. I broke into a clearing and looked up at the sky. I couldn’t see any stars it was too cloudy. I then heard thunder. I ran harder into the woods as lightning flashed through the sky. “JOSEY!” I screamed. I stopped as I heard a familiar howl. Trimsy. My wolf. I grasped the small silver whistle that hung around my neck, raised it to my lips and blew. No sound came. No sound should have been heard. Many wild animals. (note: not quite sure yet how I received it) Only a few seconds past, fifteen at the most, before a gray wolf stepped out from behind a bush. “Trimsy.” I spoke the wolfs name. The large animal looked up at me and seemed to have a question in her eyes. “I want to do this.” I told her.
Trimsy rubbed her head against my leg. “I know.” I patter her fur. “I’ll be safe in England.” I assured her. If I can ever find Josephine. I thought. Our plans were to fly to England. Well my plans were to fly to England and live with a family I knew there. Josey was planning on moving in with her boyfriends family. She hated the foster home she was in. Trimsy growled as me. “Let me go.” I turned and ran away from her. I knew she could catch me if she wanted to. I heard her running beside me but let her stay.
The rain came then. Pounding through the trees it soaked me in a matter of seconds. I was beginning to get tired. I tripped often but continued running. I wanted to be as far away from home as I could get. I broke through the trees soon. I looked up a hill and saw a mansion at the top. I ran up the hill hoping I could ask for directions to the Airport. As I stepped into the yard of the house I noticed two boys standing on the porch of the house.
“Joe.” one boy spoke to the other.
The other boy, Joe, turned around and noticed me. His gaze stayed on me a look of familiarity flashed across his face. He ran out to me. I looked up at him as he reached me. I meant to speak but couldn’t. I recognized the boy but I couldn’t remember how. His dark chocolate-colored eyes looked at me.
“Mrs. Guyer!” The other boy called inside the house as I crumbled to the ground unconscious. Joe caught me before I could hit the ground.
I blinked my eyes open some time later. I didn’t recognize where I was.
“Hello.” A soft voice spoke.
I turned my eyes towards the sound. The boy who had run out to me sat in a chair by the bed.
“Are you OK?” Joe asked. “You fainted in our front yard yesterday.” His silky brown hair fell across his forehead.
I nodded in reply. “I-I’m fine.” I muttered sitting up in the bed.
“I’m Joe Guyer.” Joe said. He looked to be about fourteen or so.
“Katherine Bryson.” I felt odd sitting in an unfamiliar bed, talking to an unfamiliar insanely cute boy. “But people call me Kandie.”
“Kandie.” Joe repeated my name. “I like it.”
“Oh she’s awake.” A voice sounded from the doorway.
“Yes, Mama.” Joe spoke to the woman who stood in the doorway.
“Joe, why don’t you leave for a minute while I talk to her.” The woman told her son.
Joe hesitated. “Yes, ma’am.” He stood and left the room.
I watched as Mrs. Guyer moved more inside the room and took the chair her son had been sitting in. “Now, what is your name?” She asked.
“Katherine Bryson.” I replied. I now felt embarrassed under her gaze. “Kandie.” I pushed the blankets back off of me.
“Any relation to Sarah Bryson?” Mrs. Guyer leaned closer.
I didn’t reply at first but then I decided I better not lie. “Yes. My mother.” I replied. I slid off of the bed and headed towards the window.
“Of course! I haven’t seen Sarah in five years but you look exactly like her!” Mrs. Guyer smiled. “What were you doing out in the rain so late at night?” She came up next to me.
I flinched. “I am running away.” I whispered.
Mrs. Guyer looked shocked. “Why?” She asked.
“Because I am always looked over. No one ever pays attention to me. Except Sarah, my twin.” I said it quickly so afraid of getting in trouble. I looked up at the lady.
“That doesn’t sound like a good enough reason to me.” Mrs. Guyer crossed her arms over her chest. (note: as I try to find a BETTER reason I will edit the details and such).
I felt the tears welling up inside my eyes. “I know it’s not.” I heard my voice crack. “I guess I am tired of being at home. In such a big family. I want to get out.”
“Where were you planning on going?” Mrs. Guyer asked. She tilted her head in a way that made me feel like she really cared about me.
“England. I have friends there.” I looked away from her stare.
“And you have friends here as well I am sure.” Mrs. Guyer said. “I know Joe and you use to be great friends before we moved to England five years ago.” She smiled. “And I know he missed you.”
“But he doesn’t remember who I am.” I argued. Not that it mattered.
“He does. He just doesn’t recognize you.” Mrs. Guyer said. “I am sure your family would miss you. I know they would.” She touched my arm. “And you know that too. Otherwise you would have run out of this house the second you woke up.”
“I know.” A tear fell down my face.
“We need to call your mother.” Mrs. Guyer told me......
What do you think???
DestinyLies
On behalf of my big brother Truman I am posting the beginning of the Joe and Kandie Chroncicles. The entire re-write as I am re-writing it. This post is the start of the first chapter. I don't like how I re-wrote it (I can type that up as well) and so I changed it to this. Kandie originally stayed at the Guyers awhile (and didn't tell them anything except that she was running away) before her mom came looking for her.
Joe and Kandie
Chapter 1
(Note: I know things in this story NORMALLY definitely would not happen but I wrote this six years ago and it would be TOO HARD to change it all now. I will change some of it but not all of it.)Chapter 1
“Ready, Josey?” I asked my best friend. We crouched in the bushes outside my house. Tonight was finally the night. We were running away. I pushed my dark brown hair back out of my face. I had been waiting to leave home since my parents stopped paying attention to me and more to my seven other siblings. (note: I might change the reason).
“Ready.” Josey nodded, her dirty blond hair shined with the light coming from the window behind us. “Three…” she started to count down., “two…..” she held up her fingers, “one.” We broke from the bushes and ran into the woods. I tried to keep up with Josey, but it was hard in the dark woods. I wasn’t as fast or sporty as Josey so she often got ahead of me.
“Come on, Kandie!” Josey called for me.
“I’m coming!” I yelled after her. In the dark I couldn’t see the tree root in front of me. The toe of my tennis shoe caught the root and I fell to the ground. Quickly picking myself up I looked around for my friend. “Josey!” I called not seeing her. “Josephine!” I screamed. She didn’t respond. I started running in the direction I last saw my friend going. I called for her as I ran. I turned around hearing the sound of leaves crunching. “Josey?” I whispered my heart beat quickening. No reply.
A hunter stepped out from behind a bush. “What are you doing on my hunting land?” He asked in a gruff voice.
“I-I’m sorry. I lost my friend.” I stammered.
“Get out!” The man yelled as he swung his arms at me.
I turned and ran deeper into the woods. Far away from the hunter and his land. I kept running, still calling for Josey. I broke into a clearing and looked up at the sky. I couldn’t see any stars it was too cloudy. I then heard thunder. I ran harder into the woods as lightning flashed through the sky. “JOSEY!” I screamed. I stopped as I heard a familiar howl. Trimsy. My wolf. I grasped the small silver whistle that hung around my neck, raised it to my lips and blew. No sound came. No sound should have been heard. Many wild animals. (note: not quite sure yet how I received it) Only a few seconds past, fifteen at the most, before a gray wolf stepped out from behind a bush. “Trimsy.” I spoke the wolfs name. The large animal looked up at me and seemed to have a question in her eyes. “I want to do this.” I told her.
Trimsy rubbed her head against my leg. “I know.” I patter her fur. “I’ll be safe in England.” I assured her. If I can ever find Josephine. I thought. Our plans were to fly to England. Well my plans were to fly to England and live with a family I knew there. Josey was planning on moving in with her boyfriends family. She hated the foster home she was in. Trimsy growled as me. “Let me go.” I turned and ran away from her. I knew she could catch me if she wanted to. I heard her running beside me but let her stay.
The rain came then. Pounding through the trees it soaked me in a matter of seconds. I was beginning to get tired. I tripped often but continued running. I wanted to be as far away from home as I could get. I broke through the trees soon. I looked up a hill and saw a mansion at the top. I ran up the hill hoping I could ask for directions to the Airport. As I stepped into the yard of the house I noticed two boys standing on the porch of the house.
“Joe.” one boy spoke to the other.
The other boy, Joe, turned around and noticed me. His gaze stayed on me a look of familiarity flashed across his face. He ran out to me. I looked up at him as he reached me. I meant to speak but couldn’t. I recognized the boy but I couldn’t remember how. His dark chocolate-colored eyes looked at me.
“Mrs. Guyer!” The other boy called inside the house as I crumbled to the ground unconscious. Joe caught me before I could hit the ground.
I blinked my eyes open some time later. I didn’t recognize where I was.
“Hello.” A soft voice spoke.
I turned my eyes towards the sound. The boy who had run out to me sat in a chair by the bed.
“Are you OK?” Joe asked. “You fainted in our front yard yesterday.” His silky brown hair fell across his forehead.
I nodded in reply. “I-I’m fine.” I muttered sitting up in the bed.
“I’m Joe Guyer.” Joe said. He looked to be about fourteen or so.
“Katherine Bryson.” I felt odd sitting in an unfamiliar bed, talking to an unfamiliar insanely cute boy. “But people call me Kandie.”
“Kandie.” Joe repeated my name. “I like it.”
“Oh she’s awake.” A voice sounded from the doorway.
“Yes, Mama.” Joe spoke to the woman who stood in the doorway.
“Joe, why don’t you leave for a minute while I talk to her.” The woman told her son.
Joe hesitated. “Yes, ma’am.” He stood and left the room.
I watched as Mrs. Guyer moved more inside the room and took the chair her son had been sitting in. “Now, what is your name?” She asked.
“Katherine Bryson.” I replied. I now felt embarrassed under her gaze. “Kandie.” I pushed the blankets back off of me.
“Any relation to Sarah Bryson?” Mrs. Guyer leaned closer.
I didn’t reply at first but then I decided I better not lie. “Yes. My mother.” I replied. I slid off of the bed and headed towards the window.
“Of course! I haven’t seen Sarah in five years but you look exactly like her!” Mrs. Guyer smiled. “What were you doing out in the rain so late at night?” She came up next to me.
I flinched. “I am running away.” I whispered.
Mrs. Guyer looked shocked. “Why?” She asked.
“Because I am always looked over. No one ever pays attention to me. Except Sarah, my twin.” I said it quickly so afraid of getting in trouble. I looked up at the lady.
“That doesn’t sound like a good enough reason to me.” Mrs. Guyer crossed her arms over her chest. (note: as I try to find a BETTER reason I will edit the details and such).
I felt the tears welling up inside my eyes. “I know it’s not.” I heard my voice crack. “I guess I am tired of being at home. In such a big family. I want to get out.”
“Where were you planning on going?” Mrs. Guyer asked. She tilted her head in a way that made me feel like she really cared about me.
“England. I have friends there.” I looked away from her stare.
“And you have friends here as well I am sure.” Mrs. Guyer said. “I know Joe and you use to be great friends before we moved to England five years ago.” She smiled. “And I know he missed you.”
“But he doesn’t remember who I am.” I argued. Not that it mattered.
“He does. He just doesn’t recognize you.” Mrs. Guyer said. “I am sure your family would miss you. I know they would.” She touched my arm. “And you know that too. Otherwise you would have run out of this house the second you woke up.”
“I know.” A tear fell down my face.
“We need to call your mother.” Mrs. Guyer told me......
What do you think???
DestinyLies
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Truman
Banned
I can totally relate, when I wrote my first screenplay (more like my first screamplay...). I never changed it so it just sits in my closet... I think of it as my "necessary failure." NOT to say you failed at writing the Joseph/Katherine stories. On the contrary, I loved the whole thing! But now I understand a bit of "behind the scenes" of DL's writing studio, if I may be so bold to call it such.
AAAHH!! Omg it makes perfect sense now. If I'd known that I wouldn't have put it in the cons! Oh, SO glad you cleared that up for me.
Oh it's not all that bad. Seriously, you'll improve... Well, you've been writing 6 years; this is how far you've gotten in your writing ability, and that should be applauded by itself. I've only been writing for 4 years; 3 if you take away all the time gaps when I wasn't writing.
EDIT: I took a while to write this response, so I didn't see that you posted the "How they met" part of the Joe/Kandie story. I'll post my response in my next post.
Oh you just made my day when you said that!!
Seriously, you DON'T need to apologize for anything! I'm just trying to help, I'm not saying, "This is wrong!" to anything, because nothing you wrote was technically "wrong" in storytelling.
Plotlines and stories have characters, and the story is usually (especially in your stories) about the protagonist's destiny... But sometimes that destiny isn't the true path they should've taken, thus the phrase "destiny lies" in the writer's sense. Now, that hasn't happened with any of your characters... but it could. Who knows? Only you! You control your characters' destinies. Anyway, that's what I meant.
That explains the similarities between them...
You know, you gotta watch a LOT of chick flicks to get a guy character that both guys and gals would like. My idea of the perfect "flawed-but-worthy" guy would be John Cusack's character in "Must Love Dogs." The way he tries to fix a conversation that he totally botches in front of a girl is just too fun to watch, but the writers are to credit for what actually comes out of his mouth.
Another good "guyish guy" that gals'd like would be... maybe Nicholas Cage's character from "The Family Man," where he slowly turns into a man that learns to truly care about the needs of his wife and kids.
A fine example of the "Joseph" character you're writing... I'd compare your Joe to Joe Black from "Meet Joe Black," before he was taken over by Death... In fact, you could actually take Joe Black's character, stick him in your stories and no one would tell the difference, because he's got the same "non-flaws" your Joe has.
That character worked as a likeable, yet realistic character, so you might be on the right path... Only problem is that Black's character, before he turned into "Death" is in the movie no more than 5, 6 minutes tops out of a 3 hour film, so we can't really tell what his flaws might've been because we aren't given a chance to see them.There are so many examples you can find in movies these days. Books, eh... Movies actually have the guy acting like a guy, so you don't have to imagine anything, you've got the man in front of you, acting.
I don't really read the RPGs here because I don't play them. So... I'm kinda glad you'll be posting it here.
Aw, that's so sweet! I get feelings like that when I read what I write. When I write I just... I have the scene I'm thinking of on a loop over and over in my mind.
Like I said, my first scream... screenplay was just dreadful. Really, if I sent you the beginning you'd cringe. Literally.
But yeah... that's my review. So glad you took it all well, because I'm your... big bro? For some reason I imagine you older than me; I dunno why. I know you graduated this year; so did I. How old are you?
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DestinyLies
Active member
Haha! Thanks! You rock! I'm glad I made your day too! I'm 18...but you were born in 90...I was born in 91...why do you think I'm older???I can totally relate, when I wrote my first screenplay (more like my first screamplay...). I never changed it so it just sits in my closet... I think of it as my "necessary failure." NOT to say you failed at writing the Joseph/Katherine stories. On the contrary, I loved the whole thing! But now I understand a bit of "behind the scenes" of DL's writing studio, if I may be so bold to call it such.
AAAHH!! Omg it makes perfect sense now. If I'd known that I wouldn't have put it in the cons! Oh, SO glad you cleared that up for me.
Oh it's not all that bad. Seriously, you'll improve... Well, you've been writing 6 years; this is how far you've gotten in your writing ability, and that should be applauded by itself. I've only been writing for 4 years; 3 if you take away all the time gaps when I wasn't writing.
EDIT: I took a while to write this response, so I didn't see that you posted the "How they met" part of the Joe/Kandie story. Reading it now; will update this comment once I read it.
Oh you just made my day when you said that!!
Seriously, you DON'T need to apologize for anything! I'm just trying to help, I'm not saying, "This is wrong!" to anything, because nothing you wrote was technically "wrong" in storytelling.
Plotlines and stories have characters, and the story is usually (especially in your stories) about the protagonist's destiny... But sometimes that destiny isn't the true path they should've taken, thus the phrase "destiny lies" in the writer's sense. Now, that hasn't happened with any of your characters... but it could. Who knows? Only you! You control your characters' destinies. Anyway, that's what I meant.
That explains the similarities between them...
You know, you gotta watch a LOT of chick flicks to get a guy character that both guys and gals would like. My idea of the perfect "flawed-but-worthy" guy would be John Cusack's character in "Must Love Dogs." The way he tries to fix a conversation that he totally botches in front of a girl is just too fun to watch, but the writers are to credit for what actually comes out of his mouth.
Another good "guyish guy" that gals'd like would be... maybe Nicholas Cage's character from "The Family Man," where he slowly turns into a man that learns to truly care about the needs of his wife and kids.
A fine example of the "Joseph" character you're writing... I'd compare your Joe to Joe Black from "Meet Joe Black," before he was taken over by Death... In fact, you could actually take Joe Black's character, stick him in your stories and no one would tell the difference, because he's got the same "non-flaws" your Joe has.
There are so many examples you can find in movies these days. Books, eh... Movies actually have the guy acting like a guy, so you don't have to imagine anything, you've got the man in front of you, acting.
I don't really read the RPGs here because I don't play them. So... I'm kinda glad you'll be posting it here.
Aw, that's so sweet! I get feelings like that when I read what I write. When I write I just... I have the scene I'm thinking of on a loop over and over in my mind.
Like I said, my first scream... screenplay was just dreadful. Really, if I sent you the beginning you'd cringe. Literally.
But yeah... that's my review. So glad you took it all well, because I'm your... big bro? For some reason I imagine you older than me; I dunno why. I know you graduated this year; so did I. How old are you?
I would guide you to where the Joe/Kandie meeting but...IDK where it is haha...it's posted below though.
I am glad you like my writings it makes me feel good about writing.
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DestinyLies
Active member
Now what I got on to post....
More of CHAPTER 1
I nodded in agreement. “OK.” I said.
“Stay here. I’ll let Joe come back in. Do you still have the same number for your home?” I assured her we did then Mrs. Guyer squeezed my arm before leaving.
“Hey.” I heard Joe’s voice behind me.
I didn’t want to turn around and look at him. I hated crying in front of people. “Hey.” I muttered back turning to look at him.
“Is everything OK?” Joe stood at the end of the bed his hands in his pockets.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I’m going back home.”
“Why are you crying?” Joe asked.
“Oh, don’t worry about it.” I shrugged. “I’m a girl. We’re emotional.”
“I know.” Joe teased. I noticed that his voice was slightly higher than it should be.
“We’re going to get a Christmas tree today. I wish you could come with us.” He said.
“It’s OK.” I sat down on the window seat. “It would be nice though.”
Joe moved over to me and sat down next to me. “Maybe you still can.” He smiled at me. A dimple appeared in his right cheek.
“Maybe.” I smiled back.
“I love going tree hunting. My family does it the old fashioned way.” Joe explained. “We go hiking in the woods looking for a big tree to put in the living room. Then my brother Jonah and I cut it down.” He pushed his hair back off of his forehead.
“Sounds fun.” I admitted. “I wish I could go.”
“What are you talking about?” A girl entered the room. She looked about my age, (fourteen)thirteen, with light brown hair and sparkling hazel eyes.
“Tree hunting, Jane.” Joe replied. “Kandie, this is my sister Jane.” He introduced.
I smiled a the girl, I barely remembered her. “Hello.” I greeted.
“Hi.” Jane sat down in the floor cross-legged. “Tree hunting is so much fun. We go hiking, and then when we get home we eat hot-chocolate and cookies!” She rocked back and forth.
“I wish I could go.” I said. And I truly meant it.
“You are going.” Mrs. Guyers’ voice sounded from the doorway. I looked up at the lady she was smiling at us. “I called your mother and told her where you were, she said they would come get you but then I asked if it would be all right if you came Christmas tree hunting with us and if you just spent the night. I am sure Jane would love to have you over.” She said.
Jane nodded. “Sweet!” She clapped her hands.
“Oh, well thank you, Mrs. Guyer.” I said happily.
This is TOTALLY different then what I have written....haha I like it.
More of CHAPTER 1
I nodded in agreement. “OK.” I said.
“Stay here. I’ll let Joe come back in. Do you still have the same number for your home?” I assured her we did then Mrs. Guyer squeezed my arm before leaving.
“Hey.” I heard Joe’s voice behind me.
I didn’t want to turn around and look at him. I hated crying in front of people. “Hey.” I muttered back turning to look at him.
“Is everything OK?” Joe stood at the end of the bed his hands in his pockets.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I’m going back home.”
“Why are you crying?” Joe asked.
“Oh, don’t worry about it.” I shrugged. “I’m a girl. We’re emotional.”
“I know.” Joe teased. I noticed that his voice was slightly higher than it should be.
“We’re going to get a Christmas tree today. I wish you could come with us.” He said.
“It’s OK.” I sat down on the window seat. “It would be nice though.”
Joe moved over to me and sat down next to me. “Maybe you still can.” He smiled at me. A dimple appeared in his right cheek.
“Maybe.” I smiled back.
“I love going tree hunting. My family does it the old fashioned way.” Joe explained. “We go hiking in the woods looking for a big tree to put in the living room. Then my brother Jonah and I cut it down.” He pushed his hair back off of his forehead.
“Sounds fun.” I admitted. “I wish I could go.”
“What are you talking about?” A girl entered the room. She looked about my age, (fourteen)thirteen, with light brown hair and sparkling hazel eyes.
“Tree hunting, Jane.” Joe replied. “Kandie, this is my sister Jane.” He introduced.
I smiled a the girl, I barely remembered her. “Hello.” I greeted.
“Hi.” Jane sat down in the floor cross-legged. “Tree hunting is so much fun. We go hiking, and then when we get home we eat hot-chocolate and cookies!” She rocked back and forth.
“I wish I could go.” I said. And I truly meant it.
“You are going.” Mrs. Guyers’ voice sounded from the doorway. I looked up at the lady she was smiling at us. “I called your mother and told her where you were, she said they would come get you but then I asked if it would be all right if you came Christmas tree hunting with us and if you just spent the night. I am sure Jane would love to have you over.” She said.
Jane nodded. “Sweet!” She clapped her hands.
“Oh, well thank you, Mrs. Guyer.” I said happily.
This is TOTALLY different then what I have written....haha I like it.
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Truman
Banned
Ooh! Unique meeting. Running away, Christmas tree hunting...
You were right, the first part of Chapter 1 was really strangely written.
But yeah, I know you would've written it differently now.
Overall, the first chapter does draw the audience. Intros for the characters are clear... I thought it was good! I don't know what else to say, except it's interesting; keep posting. Maybe something cool'll happen in the woods with the tree-cutting. Maybe something... cute between Joe and Kandie, perhaps? I'm just guessing. Keep going! Anyway, I gotta go for the night. Cya tomorrow! And I'll be reading whatever you got.
You were right, the first part of Chapter 1 was really strangely written.
With that I thought, "She sounds like a villain with an evil plan to mind-control animals to her will, taking over the world!"
But yeah, I know you would've written it differently now. DUDE! He fired his gun? On purpose?? That was really way over-the-top with the hunter actually firing his rifle, but again. I understand you would've wrote it differently nowdays.
Overall, the first chapter does draw the audience. Intros for the characters are clear... I thought it was good! I don't know what else to say, except it's interesting; keep posting. Maybe something cool'll happen in the woods with the tree-cutting. Maybe something... cute between Joe and Kandie, perhaps?
I'm just guessing. Keep going! Anyway, I gotta go for the night. Cya tomorrow! And I'll be reading whatever you got.
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DestinyLies
Active member
Haha yeah it's late and I was editing as I was going. The whistle and the hunter part...yeah! I just needed a way for her to run from the hunter. And that's all I got. Haha I'll keep typing....how long will you be on?????
DestinyLies
Active member
I just changed it to that.
And I took away that whole sentence.
Oh I am nocturnal!! haha especially durring the summer. OK! I'll type more and post it for you!!