Just writing...

[Nightcrawler_Fan]

Hey Destiny! Sorry I haven't been on. I got caught up though. I'm going to follow Truman's lead and give you a couple pointers. I hope you don't mind.

1) Kandie and Joe. It's a great story and you write it really well. But it's to perfect. There's no conflict at all. It might just be that I'm not a big love story kind of person but I don't like this story as much. I like action. But you're writing it really well.

2) Daniel's Dream. I LOVE this one. Please, please, please post more of this one.

3) I would really like to have you write more Elements. I;m not doing the RPG anymore so I would really like to read what happened since i left. And I'd love to see what you do with the characters.

I'll probably start posting more critiques but for now I'll end with that.

Sorry I haven't done more of this before. I recently started really writing recently and finally discovered the helpfulness of comments.

Also, if you would like I'd be happy to make you some story banners.

 

[DestinyLies]

Hey Destiny! Sorry I haven't been on. I got caught up though. I'm going to follow Truman's lead and give you a couple pointers. I hope you don't mind.

1) Kandie and Joe. It's a great story and you write it really well. But it's to perfect. There's no conflict at all. It might just be that I'm not a big love story kind of person but I don't like this story as much. I like action. But you're writing it really well.

2) Daniel's Dream. I LOVE this one. Please, please, please post more of this one.

3) I would really like to have you write more Elements. I;m not doing the RPG anymore so I would really like to read what happened since i left. And I'd love to see what you do with the characters.

I'll probably start posting more critiques but for now I'll end with that.

Sorry I haven't done more of this before. I recently started really writing recently and finally discovered the helpfulness of comments.

Also, if you would like I'd be happy to make you some story banners.

That would be awesome if you could make me banners! As i told Truman on the Joe/Kandie ones I am re-writing the first book that I actually have written so I'm not recreating their characters I'm just "building" them i guess. I know it IS too perfect and that's just how I write them, half of the stuff I write won't be put into the books (if I publish them).

The Daniel Dream is a favorite with the readers, I just need to get more into writing it.

And The Elements...again I have to write more of that.

Here is a poem I wrote yesterday to my godson and his mother:

Everything is fine,

It will be okay.

He is alive

And in a crib he lays.

I know you want him

To be with you

But he’s safe

And you’ll see him soon.

He came three months early,



At 4 pounds, 6 ounces

He is still too small

To go to your races.

With brown hair, and blue eyes

He takes after you,

With eyes like the skies.



I’m thankful to be named,

The godmother of the boy,

And I hope you won’t be ashamed,

I’ll take care of

Alexander James

~Candi Michelle
​

 

[DestinyLies]

Omg

Oh my goodness! So I thought I would start posting my stuff on a writing thread just like I do here. Read the response I got:
Here

At the risk of sounding totally rude, this is not the right section of the forum for this.

In fact, the Share Your Work forum in general is NOT the place to be posting work that is in rough draft form or that needs heavy editing. And, quite frankly, this needs heavy editing.

There is a lot of telling (I was not as fast or sporty as Josey) that could and should be shown. Lack of description or flow from one thought/action to the next. (Or descriptions that have no bearing on the story. It doesn't matter what color the girls' hair is because it doesn't relate to the story.)

Have you read through the "Learn Writing With Uncle Jim" (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6710) thread? It covers a lot of different topics in regard to the basics of writing and I think you will find it useful.

It almost made me cry.
It's not that I didn't like being told what was wrong, or what needed fixing, it was that that was ALL she did. Unlike Nightcrawler and Truman,who find both good and bad in my writing she found all bad.

Does it seem mean to you guys???
Destiny

 

[DestinyLies]

A tidbit

Here is a tidbit of a work....

(Graphic by my awesome TDL big brother TRUMAN *hugs*)​

“Hey.” I looked up at the voice and the tap on my door. “Mind if I come in?” Joe asked.
I smiled at Joe. “Hey.” I shook my head. “No, I don’t mind.” I moved some of the notebooks I had sitting on my bed.
Joe sat down at the foot of my bed, diagonal from me. “I didn’t feel like going to bed.” He explained. “Do you need help with homework?” He tapped the notebook nearest to him.
“I think I’ve got it, thanks.” I reached for the notebook and set it on the floor. “I’m done with all of the break work.” I told him. “Do you?” I raised my eyebrows at him.
Joe smiled leaning his head back against the post behind him. “Yes, I’m done.” He turned his dark brown eyes back to me. “Why? Do you want me to leave?” He started to move.
“NO!” I grabbed his thigh, the only thing I could reach, and put it back down on the bed. “I’m sorry. I just,” I shrugged, “I don’t want you to be behind because of me.” I let go of his leg.
“I’m not.” Joe said assuring me. “I won’t stay long.” He promised. I don’t think I could handle it for long. He thought looking down at his hands. “I promise.”
“You need sleep as well.” I tossed the pillow next to me at him.
Joe caught the pillow laughing. “It’s Christmas break, Kath.” He set the pillow behind him. “I’ll sleep when I have to.” The smile that was still stretched across his face made me blush.
“If you say so.” I folded my arms over my stomach.
“Are you OK?” Joe asked the smile fading from his face.
I shrugged. “I guess I’m just worried.” I pressed my hands into my sides.
“About what?” Joe looked over at me, the look that on his face made my breath catch. He cared so much for me and I saw that in his eyes.
“My fathers health, and your safety.” I told him. “Safe things haven’t happened to you since we started dating.” I looked down at my pajama-clad legs.
“I can take care of myself, Kandie.” Joe assured me. “Your father will be fine. He’s only got a cold.” He tried to encourage me.
“I know you can, Joe.” I lifted my eyes to look at him, “But that doesn’t stop me from worrying when you’re not with me.” I shook my head for emphasis.
“Then I won’t leave-”
“Yes, you will!” I remarked. “You don’t have to be with me all of the time. You need to spend time with your friends without me.” I felt a single tear fall onto my cheek.
“No, don’t,” Joe crawled over to me, “don’t cry, please, don’t cry.” He reached up and wiped away the single tear on my cheek. “OK, I’ll do what you say. I didn‘t mean to make you cry.”
The upset look on his face only made me cry more. “You didn’t.” I pressed my cheek into his chest.

I know it's short....more of chapter 2 soon! And the Daniel Dream!

DestinyLies

 

[DestinyLies]

Starbucks & A Ring

Here is a story I wrote for a contest, I didn't win but I know why ( I think)


Felicity Chelsea Cyrus had never met any one like him, but then again being home schooled she didn’t meet many people. Emery Carson Daniels had light brown hair and silver-blue eyes. She had met him two years ago while visiting his public school in their small town of Clover, SC. Emery had welcomed her and they had swapped e-mail addresses and phone numbers. After talking for several months and visiting each other Emery had gotten the courage to ask her out, to which she had accepted.
Felicity now sat beside the college freshman on the front porch of her two-story house one Friday afternoon in late November, a year later.
“College is harder than I thought it would be.” Emery said.
“Do you not like it?” Felicity asked.
“Yeah, it’s ok.” Emery leaned back on his elbows.
“What are you going for again?” Felicity asked she pushed her reddish-brown hair back.
“Engineering and music.” Emery replied.
“Lovely combination there, Emery.” Felicity teased.
“I know.” Emery said. “What about you. What are you gonna go for?”
“Music and acting.” Felicity said.
“Do you know what college you’ll go to?” Emery sat up.
“I’ve sent applications to SC State and others but no I’m not sure.” Felicity smiled twisting his heart. She leaned against the railing. She had been acting and singing in a community theatre since she was 9-and she was 17 now. A lot of people told her she was good, but she didn’t like to boast.
“Don’t go too far, Licy.” Emery said winking at her.
Felicity blushed. “Don’t worry I won’t,” she said, “someone has to take care of you.” The wind blew and she drew her coat closely around her. “It’s getting cold.”
“Do you want to go inside?” Emery asked.
“Yes. I’ll fix some hot co-coa.” Felicity replied standing up, she turned and went into the house. Emery followed.
“Hey, Licy, can I ask you something?” Emery said as they sat across from each other at the kitchen bar.
“Sure.” Felicity said she set her mug on the counter.
“Why do you home school? I know your parents wanted to, but didn’t you have the choice to go to school when you started high school?” Emery asked.
“Yes, I did. I like being home schooled,” Felicity replied, “I guess I just don’t want to change schedules.”
“Oh, ok.” Emery said. “So are we still going out tomorrow?” He anchored his forearms on the tabletop.
“Of course.” Felicity said matter-of-fact. “Are we going to a movie? Bowling? What?” She raised her mug to her lips.
“I was thinking we could go to a movie then after go over to Starbucks and get you something.” Emery took a few sips of his hot co-co.
“But you hate Starbucks,” Felicity wrinkled her nose.
“No, I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either,” Emery smiled, and finished his sentence “I love you though.”
Felicity blushed. “So you’re going to take me to Starbucks?”
“Mmm-hmm,” Emery nodded, “and get me some ice cream.”
Felicity laughed, ”Ok.” She looked at him. “You’re gonna get cold.”
“So are you,” Emery had his teasing grin on his handsome face.
“I have a way of warming up.” Felicity smiled also. “Keeps me warm for a while.”
“How long?” Emery leaned across the table their noses almost touching close enough to kiss.
“All night,” Felicity said pulling back some. Emery had only kissed her on the cheek a few times and she didn’t want their first kiss to be here in her kitchen.
“Really?” Emery asked leaning back some as well.
“Yeah.” Felicity nodded her curls bouncing.
“What is it?” Emery tilted his head his silver-blue eyes sparkling.
Felicity smiled, melting him. “You.” She said, her brown eyes shining.
“Me?” Emery raised his eyebrows at her.
“Yes,” Felicity nodded.
“Ok. How ,Miss. Licy, do I do that?” Emery asked crossing his arms across his chest.
“You hold me,” Felicity ran her finger over the rim of her mug, “and being with you just makes me warm.”
Emery smiled twisting her heart. “Really?” he asked again.
“Yes, really,” Felicity drank the last of her now warm co-co.
Emery had already finished his cup so he handed it to her, she put the empty cups in the sink, then turned to Emery. Her boyfriend sat watching her. “What?” she asked.
“Nothing,” Emery shrugged. He stood up and grabbed his coat off the chair. “I better go.” He walked over to her and pulled her close. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye,” Felicity said.
“Bye,” Emery released her and left.
They sat in, Starbucks the next night. Felicity drank a Caramel Frappachino through a straw. Emery ate vanilla ice cream, across from her.
“Ok, so before teen meeting next Saturday you want to take me out right?” Felicity asked.
Emery nodded, making his brown hair fall over his forehead. “Yep. Next Saturday,” he said.
“Alright,” Felicity shrugged. “By ourselves?”
“Yes.” Emery nodded again. “I’m sure someone will follow us.”
“Like Susan?” Felicity teased. Her best friend somehow popped up on a lot of their dates.
”Probably.” Emery smiled.
Felicity took the last few sips of her Frappachino. “Any special reason?” she asked.
Emery shrugged. “Maybe.” He smiled twisting her heart.
They stood up and threw their trash away and left.
“Emery.” Felicity said as she buckled her sear belt in the passenger seat in his black Camero.
“Hmmm?” Emery asked backing out of the parking space.
“Is there something special next week?” Felicity toyed with the straw she had kept.
“Thanksgiving.” Emery replied he laughed. “Just be patient.” He wrapped his fingers around hers.
“Okay.” Felicity said sitting back. “What are you gonna major in?”
“I don’t think I’ll keep doing engineering. Probably music, I guess. The engineering I do for my Uncle.” Emery explained.
“You’re going to be famous one day.” Felicity leaned her head against the passenger window and looked at him.
“Do you think so?” Emery glanced quickly at her then back at the road.
“Of course I do.” Felicity nodded.
“Then I will be,” Emery turned onto her road.
“Is that what you want?” Felicity asked him.
“Yeah. I love singing,” Emery said.
“You’re good.” Felicity commented. And he was, she loved to hear him sing.
“Well, thanks.” Emery pulled into her driveway.
“Thanks for the night.” Felicity unbuckled her seat belt.
“You too.” Emery said, he leaned over and kissed her cheek.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Felicity opened the passenger door.
“Later.” Emery said his trademark farewell.
Felicity stepped out of his car and closed the door, she waved to him and he blinked his lights at her, she turned and walked into her house.
Felicity sat down on her bed, got her scrapbook out and glued her straw in and wrote
beside it, “Emery took me to Starbucks”, and the date. She turned to the very first page it held part of the popcorn, Reese’s Pieces wrappers, and the movie stub from the movie Emery had taken her to on their first date. Felicity touched the wrappers, she closed the book and returned it to her nightstand. She smiled at Emery’s picture on her nightstand it caught the sparkle in his silver-blue eyes, his light brown hair fell over his forehead. She changed into pajamas and got in bed.
The week past and Saturday finally came Emery drove towards the town with Felicity beside him, “I’ll tell you we’re going to Starbucks.” he finally gave in to her, she had bugged him all week about it.
“Oh.” Felicity said. “That’s not very Emery-ish,” she teased.
Emery laughed. “No, but you would like it,” he said.
“True.” Felicity nodded. She was getting more and more curious.
They drove into Starbucks parking lot, got out, and went inside. They ordered Felicity a drink, then Emery lead the way to a table in the corner, where they sat down.
“Licy,” Emery said half an hour later.
“Hmmm?” Felicity sipped her drink.
“Are you done?” Emery asked.
“Yes, why?” Felicity looked at him.
“I want to ask you something.” Emery watched her. He reached into his coat pocket.
Felicity sat up straighter.
“Felicity Cyrus,” Emery knelt in front of her chair, “for the past two years I have talked to you about everything. I have told you my goals, my dreams, what I want in the future,” he said, “but I left out one thing.”
“What was that?” Felicity asked in a whisper.
“You.” Emery replied, “I want you to be in my life everyday after this.” He held out a velvet jewelers box he opened it. “Will you marry me Felicity? Please? I can’t live without you.”
Felicity looked at the ring the solitaire and the two stones on either side of it, tears started to slide down her face.
“I love you, Felicity Cyrus. I want to be a daddy to your children, I want to be there for you, I want to comfort you, listen to you, and love you. I want to come home to you each day,” Emery looked deep into her eyes.
Felicity brushed a tear away, “I love you too, Emery Daniels,” she said.
“There’s only one problem.” A smile played on Emery’s lips, his eyes sparkled..
“What?” Felicity asked.
“You haven’t answered me yet.” Emery looked like he was about to scream.
Felicity laughed. “Yes, Emery, I’ll marry you. Yes, you can be the Daddy of my children, love me, comfort me, -and anything else you can think of.” Felicity threw her arms around him.


...And they lived happily ever after




DestinyLies

 

[DestinyLies]

More



Extra [not for contest]

Emery slid the ring in its place on her left hand. “I promise I’ll be good to you.” He wrapped his arms around her.
Felicity looked down at the ring, it spread shards of fire light across her hand.
“You’re parents know.” Emery pulled her closer.” Do you want to go see them anyway?”
“No,” Felicity whispered, “we can show them later.” She didn’t know if she would be able to let him go.
“Emery laughed. “Alright.” He pulled back some.
“Noone else knows do they?” She couldn’t stop smiling.
“No,” Emery shook his head, “just our parents.”
“Ok,” Felicity said, “ are you gonna announce it at teen meeting?”
“Maybe.” Emery shrugged. “If Susan doesn’t first.”
Felicity giggled, “Ok.”
“Come on.” Emery stood and smiled down at the girl. He took her hand and lead her out to his car, they climbed in and drove towards the Church.
“CONGRATULATIONS!” Susan screamed. They sat at a table at teen meeting half an hour later.
“Sue, shhh.” Felicity grabbed her friends’ arm.
“Sorry.” Susan pulled her arm away and slightly reddened.
“Emery wants to announce it.” Felicity whispered to her.
“Ok.” Susan whispered back louder then expected.
Emery got upon the small stage fifteen minutes before the meeting ended. “Hello.” He said into the microphone. Every eye turned on him. “Ummm, I just wanted to say that the lovely Miss. Felicity Cyrus just agreed to marry me.”
Everyone clapped as Felicity joined him. He slipped his arm around her waist, and kissed her cheek.
“That was obvious.” Someone shouted.
The couple laughed. The teens all came to congratulate them.

“Emery Daniels, you are one special guy.” Tim Cyrus, Felicity’s 21 year-old brother said shaking his hand.
“No, I’m lucky.” Emery laughed. “Thanks, Tim.”
“My sisters a special girl.” Tim said.
“I know.” Emery glanced at the girl who was surrounded by several teen girls looking at her ring. “I know.” He repeated.
“Dude!” Emery was suddenly caught in a bear hug.
“Darren!” Emery clasped his best friends shoulder.
“You sly dog.”



(Add more later)

Destiny

 

[Nightcrawler_Fan]

I really like the Felicity/Emery story though it doesn't surprise you at all. From the way Felicity asks if the date is special and the way Emery replies it doesn't surprise you. You know exactly what's going to happen. Also I think you could expand it and put more details on how they met. There past times together. There struggles and triumphs. Stuff like that. But all in all it was a really good story. Very well written.

 

[DestinyLies]

Thanks! It was only for a short story contest, so it had to be a certain amount of words, and I haven't really written anything else for it.

 

[Truman]

~The Joseph/Katherine Updates: Ok! I thought you had great chemistry going on, interesting bits of emotion slid in. I know it's conversation, but it wasn't too boosting for the plot. I mean... Doesn't it seem like you have a few too many conversations going on?

Your skill at writing dialogue is quite developed. Very good! It's just that I'm not seeing too much from your storyteller's side as a writer. You revert to conversation to explain each situation; not that that's a bad thing. Screenplays for film are subjected to such writing. But sometimes I think it'd be best if you just describe what happens without people saying everything on their minds. My sister's reading The Time Traveler's Wife, a romance novel saturated with dialogue, but the author still leaves room for storytelling without having someone saying something. It's being made into a movie now (you probably know about it), and I'm eager to see it!

Overall though, the plot is still thickening and moving around. You've got creative interpolations like the pregnancy, the mother's agreement to letting Kandie stay, and Christmas is coming soon! Quite a wonderment there; you've certainly got me thinking about it. Cutting through all of this is Joe's love for Kandie, although I'm not sure whether or not you've made it clear yet that Kandie loves Joe back. It seems she likes him, but I don't think she's ever really expounded on it. She just smiles and/or blushes whenever Joe says he likes/loves her. Maybe you should leave Kandie's ultimate response for the Christmas chapter, whenever that might be.

~The Response to Snipits of the Joe/Kandie Stories: I really don't think you should take this too hard. I'll explain where she was right... and where I believed her to be wrong.

By itself, the comment you posted her as saying seems a bit harsh, but the context surrounding it (which I'm so glad you emailed me) made a whole lot more sense. In "showing rather than telling" I literally clapped (quietly) as I read her description of a drunk dad (which I've just gotta post here):

Dad came in for dinner already swaying on his feet. The plastic rings from the six pack were already empty except for one. He plonked the last beer on the table, dropped heavily into his chair and grinned at me all lopsided. "How's school?" he asked thickly.

That was one of the best descriptions I've ever seen regarding a character's actions. She's right, you don't do that much (if at all). As I said, though, you're a master at dialogue, which is a big key in writing. As I also said, you need to work on not having dialogue all the time. That was a big point I should've brought up earlier but Aggy B. already did. You should take this to mind.

She's right about the hair color not being vital, but it helps to visualize someone. It's true you put the color description sometimes, but it isn't that hindering (in fact, I never really noticed). Plus, you've gotta consider people like Stephen King's Misery, a gripping thriller that, guess what? describes Sheldon's hair. He rarely does it at all, but he did at points. Seeing that King is (IMO) one of the best storytellers in history, next to Dickens and Wells, I don't think we should question his ability to write, and that's what Abby B. was indirectly doing. She may not have remembered that little fact (or maybe she just didn't read Misery), but hair color isn't a bad thing to mention. It gives more flavor to a character as being real:

"Yes, this was his hair color. This is what he wore, what color his eyes were, ethnicity, etc. Don't you know this was a real guy?"

Though he isn't real, he's part of one's imagination. Giving such description to someone makes him or her more real than one's simple action. You could say,

"The ballerina twirled faster and faster, then jumped and made a sudden stop on stage. The spotlight went out and massive applause was heard." Uh huh. Yeah, that's interesting. Here's a little more, "The youthful lady twirled across the blue-lit stage, her radiant blonde hair flowing with every step she took. Faster and faster she went, almost flying, when she lept high and landed sharply with the music, the spotlight beaming down and suddenly cutting off.

There was an incredible silence for a second or two; you could hear the girl panting hard from her performance if you sat in the front row. Then immediately, as if someone had flipped a switch, the audience stood with colossal applause. A dark-haired man in the second row threw a white rose onto the stage, landing on the lady's feet. Her hazel eyes gleamed with pride."

That is description (took a while to write it too!). And notice! I turned two simple sentences into a full description, using hair color and eye color! Did it hinder the description? I think not. That's where Abby was incorrect. If you can fit it, it works and helps the reader visualize.

~The Makings of a Proposal: I come up with these titles for some reason... Go figure. Anyway, LOVE IT! I actually didn't know he was going to propose... seems like she's a bit young though. Still, the timing of it was perfectly placed; nothing was rushed. Very interesting and convincing, what's more. The dialogue and the expressions eveloping it was utterly authentic. Didn't find much wrong with it.

~The Poem: Another very sweet poem; I'm sure the mother was delighted. Rhymes could use a bit of work, though. If you aren't any good at rhyming (which I'm sure you can get much better at) you should stick with your un-rhymed poems that make sense not to flow perfectly. I've only written one poem ever. It's quite good cool but it took me hours to write, getting the rhymes and beats right with it still containing a meaning! Ha.

 

[DestinyLies]

~The Joseph/Katherine Updates: Ok! I thought you had great chemistry going on, interesting bits of emotion slid in. I know it's conversation, but it wasn't too boosting for the plot. I mean... Doesn't it seem like you have a few too many conversations going on?

Your skill at writing dialogue is quite developed. Very good! It's just that I'm not seeing too much from your storyteller's side as a writer. You revert to conversation to explain each situation; not that that's a bad thing. Screenplays for film are subjected to such writing. But sometimes I think it'd be best if you just describe what happens without people saying everything on their minds. My sister's reading The Time Traveler's Wife, a romance novel saturated with dialogue, but the author still leaves room for storytelling without having someone saying something. It's being made into a movie now (you probably know about it), and I'm eager to see it!

Overall though, the plot is still thickening and moving around. You've got creative interpolations like the pregnancy, the mother's agreement to letting Kandie stay, and Christmas is coming soon! Quite a wonderment there; you've certainly got me thinking about it. Cutting through all of this is Joe's love for Kandie, although I'm not sure whether or not you've made it clear yet that Kandie loves Joe back. It seems she likes him, but I don't think she's ever really expounded on it. She just smiles and/or blushes whenever Joe says he likes/loves her. Maybe you should leave Kandie's ultimate response for the Christmas chapter, whenever that might be.

~The Response to Snipits of the Joe/Kandie Stories: I really don't think you should take this too hard. I'll explain where she was right... and where I believed her to be wrong.

By itself, the comment you posted her as saying seems a bit harsh, but the context surrounding it (which I'm so glad you emailed me) made a whole lot more sense. In "showing rather than telling" I literally clapped (quietly) as I read her description of a drunk dad (which I've just gotta post here):

That was one of the best descriptions I've ever seen regarding a character's actions. She's right, you don't do that much (if at all). As I said, though, you're a master at dialogue, which is a big key in writing. As I also said, you need to work on not having dialogue all the time. That was a big point I should've brought up earlier but Aggy B. already did. You should take this to mind.

She's right about the hair color not being vital, but it helps to visualize someone. It's true you put the color description sometimes, but it isn't that hindering (in fact, I never really noticed). Plus, you've gotta consider people like Stephen King's Misery, a gripping thriller that, guess what? describes Sheldon's hair. He rarely does it at all, but he did at points. Seeing that King is (IMO) one of the best storytellers in history, next to Dickens and Wells, I don't think we should question his ability to write, and that's what Abby B. was indirectly doing. She may not have remembered that little fact (or maybe she just didn't read Misery), but hair color isn't a bad thing to mention. It gives more flavor to a character as being real:

Though he isn't real, he's part of one's imagination. Giving such description to someone makes him or her more real than one's simple action. You could say,

That is description (took a while to write it too!). And notice! I turned two simple sentences into a full description, using hair color and eye color! Did it hinder the description? I think not. That's where Abby was incorrect. If you can fit it, it works and helps the reader visualize.

~The Makings of a Proposal: I come up with these titles for some reason... Go figure. Anyway, LOVE IT! I actually didn't know he was going to propose... seems like she's a bit young though. Still, the timing of it was perfectly placed; nothing was rushed. Very interesting and convincing, what's more. The dialogue and the expressions eveloping it was utterly authentic. Didn't find much wrong with it.

~The Poem: Another very sweet poem; I'm sure the mother was delighted. Rhymes could use a bit of work, though. If you aren't any good at rhyming (which I'm sure you can get much better at) you should stick with your un-rhymed poems that make sense not to flow perfectly. I've only written one poem ever. It's quite good cool but it took me hours to write, getting the rhymes and beats right with it still containing a meaning! Ha.

Haha yes, I know I need to work on some discription. I know, as you said I do have a lot of conversation. It annoys me sometimes ( I know it's shocking) I try my best not to but it just comes out...UGH! I will try to be as descriptive as possible!! I'm still typing the second chapter and haven't gotten very far...it's hard! haha. for me it's difficult to add description because it's hard to figure out something to do,look at, think blah blah blah, but I try. Thanks!!! more coming soon!

And as far as the poem goes, at the beginning I didn't mean for it to rhyme, it just did...I know I STINK at rhyming I do way better at free verse!

 

[DestinyLies]

More of Chapter 2

Joe looked up a few minutes later when Jane walked in the room and told us lunch was ready. “All right we’re coming?” He clicked off the TV's power and stood. He looked down at me waiting for me to stand.
I sighed and stood up next to him. “I’m coming.” I followed him to the dinning room.
I smelled the tomato soup as soon as I stepped in the door. “Soup, yum.” I commented.
“Exactly my thoughts.” Joe let me sit before taking his seat beside of me. “And grilled cheese sandwiches.” He added. “Best meal for a cold winter day.”
I nodded in agreement.
“Jonah, why don’t you ask the blessing?” Mrs. Guyer asked Jonah who sat beside of his twin across from me.
“Yes ma’am.” Jonah nodded and bowed his head. “Dear Father bless this food, thank you for this day, and the ability for all of us to wake up and have this great food. Amen.”
“Thank you.” Janise smiled at Jonah before nodding to her children that they could go get the soup from the cart that set just outside the kitchen doors.
“Stay.” Joe told me as I started to stand. “I’ll get yours.”
“I can-”
"No." Joe shook his head.
“You better listen. He’s very stubborn.” Mrs. Guyer told me. “And he gets upset when he isn’t listened to.” She smiled at her older son who must’ve done something behind me.
“Tomato soup?” Joe asked. I nodded as I sat back down.
I didn’t like Joe getting my food for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t think it was nice, it was very sweet, I just didn’t like people serving me. It always made me feel uncomfortable. “Thank you.” I smiled up at Joe as he set a bowl of tomato soup in front of me.
“You’re welcome.” Joe set his own soup down and took his seat again. “Don’t burn yourself.” He said teasingly.
“I won’t.” I poured some salt and pepper into my soup. “What else are we doing today?” I asked Mrs. Guyer.
The lady swallowed the spoonful of soup she had to her lips before answering. “I am not sure, Kandie. I thought of Christmas shopping, and cooking for Thanksgiving. Esther Jean and Liza can’t do it all and I love to help when I can.” She said.
“I’d like to help if I can.” I told her. “ I love cooking.” I sipped my own soup.
“That would be helpful, thank you.” Mrs. Guyer smiled at me.
“Will you need her right after lunch, Mama?” Joe asked as he dipped his grilled cheese sandwich into his tomato soup.
“No, of course not, Joe.” Mrs. Guyer shook her head. “Not for a little while.” She wiped her mouth with her napkin. “What do you need her for?”
“I was just going to show her around, unless Jane wanted to do something with her.” Joe looked across at his sister, who smiled at him. He knew Jane would want some time with me since it was her that I was spending the night with.
“I would like to spend some time with her.” Jane tore a piece of her sandwich, dipped it into her soup, then ate it.
“That’s fine, you can borrow her.” Joe winked at Jane before spooning more soup into his mouth.
“I thought I was the one letting you borrow her.” Jane teased him back. She then looked at me. “I could show you around if you want. We don’t have to.”
“No, that’s fine. Whatever you want to do, Jane.” I shook my head to reassure her that I didn’t mind what we did.
Everyone was soon done with lunch so after we took our dishes to the tray, for Esther Jean to take them into the kitchen, Jane and I headed towards her bedroom. “I’ll let Joe take you around later. We can just go into my room.” She told me as we walked up the huge staircase to the second level.
“All right.” I followed her to the pink-clad room. Once inside I sat down on the ottoman and faced Jane who sat at her computer desk.
“Just to let you know my cousin Austin is very girl crazy so he will flirt with you.” Jane turned the chair around so she could see me. “Jonah also likes you.” Jane twisted a strand of her hair around her finger.
“Really? How do you know?” I picked up one of the combs that lie on the top of Janes’ dresser beside of me. It looked expensive.
“He’s my twin, I know.” Jane said. “That comb is one of my favorites. My grandmother bought it for me in Australia.” She informed me. “My grandparents travel a lot.”
“Really? That’s cool!” I put the comb back in its place so as not to break it. “My grandparents travel a lot too.” I noticed three bottles of perfume, a bundle of hair ties, pictures, wilted roses, and a pink candle was spread over the dresser. Was Jane girly or what? I smiled to myself then turned back to Jane. “Joe doesn’t like that does he?” I knew the answer but asked it anyway.
Jane shook her head. “No, he doesn’t.” She said. “And he doesn’t know your feelings towards him so it makes him uneasy about it.” She added, picking up a pen from her dresser she started to open and closed the cap.
“You know a lot about your brothers.” I told her. My family knew about each other but not as much as the Guyers’ did. Sarah and I knew each other like we knew ourselves but we were best friends.
“We are closer than most families are.” Jane shrugged her shoulders. “I just thought I would let you know, Austin will be here soon so Joe won’t leave you much.” She had a teasing grin on her face. “I’m sure you won’t mind.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “No, I probably won’t.” I agreed with her. Yes, I had liked Joe when we were younger, before he and his family had moved to England, but now? I was sure I still did. At least a little.
“He likes you a lot.” Jane stood and moved over to the window. “He liked some girls while we were in England, but never how he likes you.” She told me. “And of course girls liked him back, they always do.” She turned to me. “But you should have now worries except having to fight them off.”
I sighed. “Thanks for the heads up.” I knew a lot of girls had liked Joe when he was younger so of course they would like him when he was older, and even more good looking.
Jane looked back through the glass. “Come on.” She headed for the door. “They’re here.” She turned and skipped to the door, I followed her.
I stopped at the top of the stairs while Jane went a head to greet her family. The first person she reached at the bottom of the stairs was an elderly lady, apparently their grandmother, Mr. Guyers’ mother. Her husband, Jonathan Guyer, stood next to his wife. The older man hugged his granddaughter and said hello with a smile. The old mans somewhat plump belly stuck out beneath his button down shirt. (does that make sense?) I smiled at the couple they were so cute! The other family members I didn’t recognize.
“Do you want to go down?”
I jumped at the voice behind me. I turned and smiled when I saw Joe.
“Oh, um, yes, I would.” I turned back towards the scene down stairs.
“Do you want me to go first, or you walk with me?” Joe looked down at me, a smile on his handsome face.
“Um,” I looked up at him then down the stairs, “I’ll go with you.” I wrapped my pinky around his.
“OK.” Joe nodded and lead me down the stairs. “Hello, everyone.” Joe greeted them once he stepped off of the last stair.
“Joe, how are you, dear?” Celia, his grandmother, reached for him and wrapped her arms around him in a big hug.
“I’m fine, grandmother. How are you?” Joe spoke as he pulled back from her hug and stepped back next to me.
“Just fine. Is this Kandie Bryson?” Celia asked motioning to me.
“Yes, it is.” Joe nodded with a smile.
‘Well, how are you, dear?” Celia reached for me next, and I stepped towards her and hugged her back.
“I am just fine, thank you.” I told the woman. I saw a young boy, about my age, over her shoulder looking at me. Austin. I thought. I glanced towards Jane, who nodded when I mouthed Austin’s name.

I pulled back from Celia’s hug and greeted her husband. Jonathan reached for my hand and smiled. “I haven’t seen you in a while. You’re so grown up.” The older man said.
I shook the mans hand he offered. “Yes, I have.” I agreed with him. I turned to the lady that stood behind Jonathan, she was a younger lady, in her mid-thirties maybe.
“This is my aunt Melissa. Melissa, you remember Kandie Bryson don’t you?” Joe introduced me to the woman.
“Of course.” Melissa smiled lovingly at me. “It’s good to see you again.”
“You too.” I returned her smile. Joe continued to introduce, or re-introduce, me to the family members. His Uncle John, and cousins, Austin, Andrew, and Anna. ( I think there were more originally but I can’t remember).
I was a bit nervous when we turned to Austin. Not the embarrassed kind of nervous but the uneasy kind of nervous. The kind where you’re not afraid to do something but where you’re uncomfortable doing it.
“It’s nice to meet you, again.“ Austin’s hand held mine for a few seconds too long. The look in his eyes didn’t set well with me either. I don’t think Joe liked it either the way he almost pulled me away from his cousin.
“OK, that’s everyone.” Joe spoke with anger in his voice. The glare he shot at Austin wasn’t a pleasant one, glares never are.




i tried to add as much detail as I could. Still editing and typing!!

DestinyLies

EDIT>: sorry I forgot to put a part in! the beginning...haha

 

[Truman]

Wow, umm... You certainly went all-out on the descriptions there...

To be frank (please don't take this the wrong way), this update was not that good. There was just too much description. I think that's what Abby meant when she talked about the "hair color" deal. Before you were doing fine but this... This was just not good writing. You put description after every single person's dialogue. And not only that, you gave needless descriptions like Jane's comb and the full labels of her perfume. That's what Abby was referring to.

Please keep reading!! Do you remember "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"? There's the famous scene with all the disgusting "food" given to Willy and Short Round. Although I love the movie as a whole, I thought that that scene was a perfect example of bad screenwriting. It took me a long time and many viewings to actually notice that the conversation between Indy and the indian guy was important, where the disgusting bugs and snakes took the audience's attention away from this. While it cut to Indy talking you couldn't help but think, "Whatever! Shut up and show me what's happening with the monkey brains!" And then when the Maharaja talks about the Thugi Cult anyone would naturally think, "Huh? When were we talking about that?" The disgusting scene that paralleled the exposition scene was an attention grabber that led the focus away from what was really important.

When you put some of those excessively long descriptions my attention was drawn away from what was said, and when I got to the response I had to look back at the original quote.

All in all, I'm terribly sorry to give this review but... I thought this was exceptionally worse than anything I've read of yours (except the Elizabeth Miller story). I didn't find much good in it...

My solution is that you rewrite this update with much less description. Yes, description is a good thing, but make it flow with the story... like the ballerina! Some of those descriptions (especially the whale comb) can be dropped altogether. And you really don't have to put in as much as you can.

I love your writing! I think it's absolutely fantastic, gripping, and fun. Had this been one of the first things I read I would've thought, "Oh brother..." This isn't you, Candi. You know I mean well!!

EDIT: And oh! Forgot to say I love the new Joe/Kandie banner at the top.

 

[DestinyLies]

Yeah sorry!!!


No I haven't seen the Indi films. I'll edit it right now....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....(at myself).

When you say long descriptions was it the describing Joe's grandparents???

Would you mark what I should take out...it'll be easier for me..........I never stop reading your reviews. Because I love your advice, unlike the girl on AW (not saying I don't accept it), because you took the time to read all 23 pages until you caught up and review on almost everything.

One reason why I started posting here was to figure out what was wrong with my writings. OK

Note to self: Description but not too much description....what else???

 

[Truman]

No I haven't seen the Indi films. I'll edit it right now....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....(at myself).

Aw, you gotta see 'em sometime in your life... I loved the fourth movie and bought it. Then I watched it a second time and didn't like it as much, still enjoyed it though. Then I watched it a third time and didn't like it at all. Fourth time I was actually laughing at the acting of Ford.

The other three are worth your time, though! Great movies, the lot of 'em.

When you say long descriptions was it the describing Joe's grandparents???

Umm... Yeah that, and I mentioned the others in my other post. Lol, we don't need to know exactly what they were wearing.

Would you mark what I should take out...it'll be easier for me..........

OH! Marking..... that brings back so many terrible memories of my mother doing that to my writing. I don't like marking people's stuff because it makes me think of that. Nah, I'll just stick to advice. It's your mind; use it!

I never stop reading your reviews. Because I love your advice, unlike the girl on AW (not saying I don't accept it), because you took the time to read all 23 pages until you caught up and review on almost everything.

That's because of your amazing talent at drawing the reader's attention immediately, and not straying 'round the bush with boring introductions. People tend to do that more often than you think, and when I started reading your stuff I thought, "This girl is different." That's what kept me reading; I usually don't do that.

One reason why I started posting here was to figure out what was wrong with my writings. OK

Note to self: Description but not too much description....what else???

...You've got emotional body language down already, especially when I read that Proposal story! The way you conveyed everything in the first person... This part is what actually captured me the most (I've just gotta quote it),

"Emery had already finished his cup so he handed it to her, she put the empty cups in the sink, then turned to Emery. Her boyfriend sat watching her. 'What?' she asked.
'Nothing,' Emery shrugged. He stood up and grabbed his coat off the chair. 'I better go.' He walked over to her and pulled her close. 'I’ll see you tomorrow.'"

You know how brilliant that'd look if it was filmed? It's just beyond me.

I think the over-describing was really the only thing. You're good to go!

 

[DestinyLies]

Aw, you gotta see 'em sometime in your life... I loved the fourth movie and bought it. Then I watched it a second time and didn't like it as much, still enjoyed it though. Then I watched it a third time and didn't like it at all. Fourth time I was actually laughing at the acting of Ford.
The other three are worth your time, though! Great movies, the lot of 'em.

I'll consider them sometime just for you

Umm... Yeah that, and I mentioned the others in my other post. Lol, we don't need to know exactly what they were wearing.

OH! Marking..... that brings back so many terrible memories of my mother doing that to my writing. I don't like marking people's stuff because it makes me think of that. Nah, I'll just stick to advice. It's your mind; use it!

Ugh Darn! i don't want to go back over it....fine!!!!

That's because of your amazing talent at drawing the reader's attention immediately, and not straying 'round the bush with boring introductions. People tend to do that more often than you think, and when I started reading your stuff I thought, "This girl is different." That's what kept me reading; I usually don't do that.

oh I feel special!!!

...You've got emotional body language down already, especially when I read that Proposal story! The way you conveyed everything in the first person... This part is what actually captured me the most (I've just gotta quote it),

You know how brilliant that'd look if it was filmed? It's just beyond me.

I think the over-describing was really the only thing. You're good to go!

Haha thanks again!!!! *BIG HUG* I think I'm gonna make you another graphic (well get one made...I can't make them yet grrr )

 

[DestinyLies]

Joe looked up a few minutes later when Jane walked in the room and told us lunch was ready. “All right we’re coming?” He clicked off the Tvs’ power and stood. He looked down at me waiting for me to stand.
I sighed and stood up next to him. “I’m coming.” I followed him to the dinning room.
I smelled the tomato soup as soon as I stepped in the door. “Soup, yum.” I commented.
“Exactly my thoughts.” Joe let me sit before taking his seat beside of me. “And grilled cheese sandwiches.” He added. “Best meal for a cold winter day.”
I nodded in agreement.
“Jonah, why don’t you ask the blessing?” Mrs. Guyer asked Jonah who sat beside of his twin across from me.
“Yes ma’am.” Jonah nodded and bowed his head. “Dear Father bless this food, thank you for this day, and the ability for all of us to wake up and have this great food. Amen.”
“Thank you.” Janise smiled at Jonah before nodding to her children that they could go get the soup from the cart that set just outside the kitchen doors.
“Stay.” Joe told me as I started to stand. “I’ll get yours.”
“I can-”
“You better listen. He’s very stubborn.” Mrs. Guyer told me. “And he gets upset when he isn’t listened to.” She smiled at her older son who must’ve done something behind me.
“Tomato soup?” Joe asked. I nodded as I sat back down.
I didn’t like Joe getting my food for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t think it was nice, it was very sweet, I just didn’t like people serving me. It always made me feel uncomfortable. “Thank you.” I smiled up at Joe as he set a bowl of tomato soup in front of me.
“You’re welcome.” Joe set his own soup down and took his seat again. “Don’t burn yourself.” He said teasingly.
“I won’t.” I poured some salt and pepper into my soup. “What else are we doing today?” I asked Mrs. Guyer.
The lady swallowed the spoonful of soup she had to her lips before answering. “I am not sure, Kandie. I thought of Christmas shopping, and cooking for Thanksgiving. Esther Jean and Liza can’t do it all and I love to help when I can.” She said.
“I’d like to help if I can.” I told her. “ I love cooking.” I sipped my own soup.
“That would be helpful, thank you.” Mrs. Guyer smiled at me.
“Will you need her right after lunch, Mama?” Joe asked as he dipped his grilled cheese sandwich into his tomato soup.
“No, of course not, Joe.” Mrs. Guyer shook her head. “Not for a little while.” She wiped her mouth with her napkin. “What do you need her for?”
“I was just going to show her around, unless Jane wanted to do something with her.” Joe looked across at his sister, who smiled at him. He knew Jane would want some time with me since it was her that I was spending the night with.
“I would like to spend some time with her.” Jane tore a piece of her sandwich, dipped it into her soup, then ate it.
“That’s fine, you can borrow her.” Joe winked at Jane before spooning more soup into his mouth.
“I thought I was the one letting you borrow her.” Jane teased him back. She then looked at me. “I could show you around if you want. We don’t have to.”
“No, that’s fine. Whatever you want to do, Jane.” I shook my head to reassure her that I didn’t mind what we did.
Everyone was soon done with lunch so after we took our dishes to the tray, for Esther Jean to take them into the kitchen, Jane and I headed towards her bedroom. “I’ll let Joe take you around later. We can just go into my room.” She told me as we walked up the huge staircase to the second level.
“All right.” I followed her to the pink-clad room. Once inside I sat down on the ottoman and faced Jane who sat at her computer desk.
“Just to let you know my cousin Austin is very girl crazy so he will flirt with you.” Jane turned the chair around so she could see me. “Jonah also likes you.” Jane twisted a strand of her hair around her finger.
“Really? How do you know?” I picked up one of the combs that lie on the top of Janes’ dresser beside of me. It looked expensive.
“He’s my twin, I know.” Jane said. “That comb is one of my favorites. My grandmother bought it for me in Australia.” She informed me. “My grandparents travel a lot.”
“Really? That’s cool!” I put the comb back in its place so as not to break it. “My grandparents travel a lot too.” I noticed three bottles of perfume, a bundle of hair ties, pictures, wilted roses, and a pink candle was spread over the dresser. Was Jane girly or what? I smiled to myself then turned back to Jane. “Joe doesn’t like that does he?” I knew the answer but asked it anyway.
Jane shook her head. “No, he doesn’t.” She said. “And he doesn’t know your feelings towards him so it makes him uneasy about it.” She added, picking up a pen from her dresser she started to open and closed the cap.
“You know a lot about your brothers.” I told her. My family knew about each other but not as much as the Guyers’ did. Sarah and I knew each other like we knew ourselves but we were best friends.
“We are closer than most families are.” Jane shrugged her shoulders. “I just thought I would let you know, Austin will be here soon so Joe won’t leave you much.” She had a teasing grin on her face. “I’m sure you won’t mind.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “No, I probably won’t.” I agreed with her. Yes, I had liked Joe when we were younger, before he and his family had moved to England, but now? I was sure I still did. At least a little.
“He likes you a lot.” Jane stood and moved over to the window. “He liked some girls while we were in England, but never how he likes you.” She told me. “And of course girls liked him back, they always do.” She turned to me. “But you should have now worries except having to fight them off.”
I sighed. “Thanks for the heads up.” I knew a lot of girls had liked Joe when he was younger so of course they would like him when he was older, and even more good looking.
Jane looked back through the glass. “Come on.” She headed for the door. “They’re here.” She turned and skipped to the door, I followed her.
I stopped at the top of the stairs while Jane went a head to greet her family. The first person she reached at the bottom of the stairs was an elderly lady, apparently their grandmother, Mr. Guyers’ mother. Her husband, Jonathan Guyer, stood next to his wife. The older man hugged his granddaughter and said hello with a smile. The old mans somewhat plump belly stuck out beneath his button down shirt. (does that make sense?) I smiled at the couple they were so cute! The other family members I didn’t recognize.
“Do you want to go down?”
I jumped at the voice behind me. I turned and smiled when I saw Joe.
“Oh, um, yes, I would.” I turned back towards the scene down stairs.
“Do you want me to go first, or you walk with me?” Joe looked down at me, a smile on his handsome face.
“Um,” I looked up at him then down the stairs, “I’ll go with you.” I wrapped my pinky around his.
“OK.” Joe nodded and lead me down the stairs. “Hello, everyone.” Joe greeted them once he stepped off of the last stair.
“Joe, how are you, dear?” Celia, his grandmother, reached for him and wrapped her arms around him in a big hug.
“I’m fine, grandmother. How are you?” Joe spoke as he pulled back from her hug and stepped back next to me.
“Just fine. Is this Kandie Bryson?” Celia asked motioning to me.
“Yes, it is.” Joe nodded with a smile.
‘Well, how are you, dear?” Celia reached for me next, and I stepped towards her and hugged her back.
“I am just fine, thank you.” I told the woman. I saw a young boy, about my age, over her shoulder looking at me. Austin. I thought. I glanced towards Jane, who nodded when I mouthed Austin’s name.

I pulled back from Celia’s hug and greeted her husband. Jonathan reached for my hand and smiled. “I haven’t seen you in a while. You’re so grown up.” The older man said.
I shook the mans hand he offered. “Yes, I have.” I agreed with him. I turned to the lady that stood behind Jonathan, she was a younger lady, in her mid-thirties maybe.
“This is my aunt Melissa. Melissa, you remember Kandie Bryson don’t you?” Joe introduced me to the woman.
“Of course.” Melissa smiled lovingly at me. “It’s good to see you again.”
“You too.” I returned her smile. Joe continued to introduce, or re-introduce, me to the family members. His Uncle John, and cousins, Austin, Andrew, and Anna. ( I think there were more originally but I can’t remember).
I was a bit nervous when we turned to Austin. Not the embarrassed king of nervous but the uneasy kind of nervous. The kind where you’re not afraid to do something but where you’re uncomfortable doing it.
“It’s nice to meet you, again.“ Austin’s hand held mine for a few seconds too long. The look in his eyes didn’t set well with me either. I don’t think Joe liked it either the way he almost pulled me away from his cousin.
“OK, that’s everyone.” Joe spoke with anger in his voice. The glare he shot at Austin wasn’t a pleasant one, glares never are.




i tried to add as much detail as I could. Still editing and typing!!

DestinyLies

EDIT>: sorry I forgot to put a part in! the beginning...haha

Edited again with a little extra.

 

[DestinyLies]

The Rose Fairies

I don't believe I have posted this :Because I don't think I have it typed (until now). I am typing this for a good friend of mine because it's her favorite "work" of mine.

It's called The Rose Fairies it's a series of books (eight of them) about seven "rose fairies" each one with a different colored rose, a different person to "help", and a different location.

Here is how it goes:
Destiny-White
Ember-Orange
Skye-Creme
Illiana-Pink
Raine-Blue
Emily Pyralis- Red
Naomi-Yellow
Aidan- Black

I know some of the colors aren't natural but they are real.
Destiny through Emily spells out their mothers name (Desire) and as for the father I was going to have his name be Sirena but it's more feminine. OK here is the beginning of "DESTINY'S ROSE"

Chapter one
​

Landon Ryan entered his bedroom, tossed his backpack onto the floor and sat down at his computer desk. He first logged onto his computer, and opened his e-mail. A smile came to the young mans face when he saw that he had a message from Emily, the girl he had had a crush on since ninth-grade. He had finally gotten up the courage to ask her out. And this message would be her reply. Hopefully a ‘yes’. He clicked on the message and read the two lines. The smile faded from his face. He read the message again:

Landon, I’m sorry but the answer is no. I do think you’re cute though. Love, Emily Faith

Landon closed the window and turned around in his seat. How could Emily turn him down? Yes, she was the head cheerleader, and leader of the school clique. (thinking of an interesting name). And then there was the obvious: Derek Dubious. The star basket ball and foot ball player, and the best looking guy in the state- according to all of the girls in the school that is.
Landon rolled his eyes, stood up, moved over to his bed, and lay back across it. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind. He heard someone come in, cracking one eye open he saw that it was Maria, the maid. She was setting something on his desk. He closed his eye back as the maid left. The next thing he knew his mother was shaking him awake.
“Landon, dinners’ ready.” Claire Reed said once he opened his eyes.
“OK.” Landon shook his head, rolled out of bed, and followed his mom down to the dining room.
“So glad you could join us.” Christopher Reed, Landon’s step-dad, said as they sat down at the table.
“Sorry, I fell asleep.” Landon apologized. Chris only nodded, Landon clenched his jaw. He and his step-dad never seemed to get a long. It wans’t that he did’t disapprove of the guy, he had liked Chris. Before he married Landons’ mom only a year after her husband had died.
“How was school today, Landon?” Claire Reed asked before spooning some mashed potatoes into her mouth.
Landon shrugged. “The same as always, Mom.” He said. “Boring, yet interesting.” He bit into a buttered roll.
“Did you see Ashley?” Amanda, his four-year-old half-sister, asked from her seat in between Claire and himself.
“Of course I did.” Landon told her. Ashley Michaels had been his best friend since Kindergarten. Their parents were good friends as well.
“How is she?” Claire asked as she tore Amanda’s roll into smaller pieces.
Landon knew his mother was trying to have conversation but Landon didn’t want to talk. He answered his mother anyway. “She’s fine. Trying to keep up with her grades.”
“You need to have her over sometime soon, we all miss having her around.” Claire smiled.
“I’ll ask her about it.” Landon promised. He soon excused himself from the table, and went back up to his bedroom. Forgetting that his backpack was in the floor he tripped over it and fell to the floor. He looked around when he heard a small laugh. He saw no one. Shaking his head he stood up, and realized two things. One: he had a message from Ashley displayed on his computer screen. And two: a vase of white roses sat beside the computer monitor. That must have been what Maria had put on the desk earlier. Weird. He thought.
It read: Hey! Are you there?
Landon sat down and typed back: Yeah. Hey, Ash.
What did Emily say? Ashley typed next.
Landon sighed then replied: She said no.
Oh, harsh! I’m sorry. Ashley was so apologetic. (I can’t think of the right word).
It’s OK. It’s no big deal. Landon said.
Haha! Liar Landon, you’ve been after Emily since ninth-grade! Ashley was probably laughing out loud.
OK, fine. Landon typed back. Ash was right though.
They talked for a few more minutes about Emily.
My mom wants you to come over sometime soon. Landon told her.
OK, I’ll check my schedule. I’ve got to go. TTYL. Ashley then signed off before Landon could say bye.
Landon sat back in his computer chair, running his fingers through his tangled black hair. He stood, clicked on his TV, changed into lounge pants and a t-shirt, then lie down on his bed. There was nothing on TV so he clicked it off, rolled over, and closed his eyes.


Well??????????????????


DestinyLies

 

[Nightcrawler_Fan]

So far I really like the Rose Fairies story. Please post more of that one.

Shaking his head he stoop up, and noticed he had a message on his computer from Ashley. He noticed what Maria had put on is desk earlier. A vase of white roses sat just to the left of his computer screen. Weird. He thought.

This part needs a little help. You say 'noticed' twice in a row. You may want to consider changing that a bit.

I can't wait to read more of this one though.

 

[DestinyLies]

Haha I didn't NOTICE I did that! Sorry! I normally don't do that because I hate doing it. FIXING!

He saw no one. Shaking his head he stoop up, and realized he had a message on his computer from Ashley. He noticed what Maria had put on is desk earlier. A vase of white roses sat just to the left of his computer screen. Weird. He thought.

 

[Nightcrawler_Fan]

That's better. Though I don't like how abrupt it is. Maybe when it says "He noticed what Maria had put on his desk earlier". Instead say something like. "He also noticed what Maria and placed on his desk earlier." Just so it flows better. But whatever you want to do is fine.