Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

For twenty minutes, Diskoduck tried every gesture he could think of involving the rectangle on his forehead. Nothing, nothing again, and more nothing. At last, by chance, he happened to yawn while touching both of his ears.

Immediately, music filled the air once again: this time, not his familiar stirring "2001" theme, but a piece of orchestra music which was UNBEARABLY DULL AND BORING. The notes and harmonies rambled around, without producing any good effect. Jean Yuss, Wilma, Malarkey, Matthew, Nestor, Pretorius, Margie, Nelly and Purdie were all mentally captured by the music, just as people were by the already-familiar tune; but this time they felt no enjoyment of it. Diskoduck didn't enjoy it either, but he retained his normal awareness. Although he couldn't make the dreary music stop, he could focus on observing how the others were affected.

The music went on for nearly half an hour, which seemed more like half a year. Of the nine persons mesmerized by it, only two maintained some degree of independent volition: Wilma, because she was the most familiar with this phenomenon, and Jean Yuss, for a reason she would presently reveal.

"Disko!" cried Wilma at one point. "This is the stupidest, most boring music I've ever heard! Can you shut it off?"

"I'm sorry, darling, but I can't stop it. And I don't know how soon it'll end, because I don't know the piece."

Two minutes later, Jean Yuss managed to speak in turn.

"I do know it! I know it because of a man from Spacebull who was into Original Earth classical music. His name is Perry Kushun, and he used to be on the crew of the mega-mothership. He would beat on the tympani to call for attention to shipboard announcements. What we're hearing now is actually THE SAME COMPOSITION as what you've been using before now. The complete work is 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra' --Zarathustra being the name of an ancient Persian prophet. The music you've used to make people painlessly oblivious is the prelude, known as 'The Dawn Sequence.' What's playing now is all the REST of the symphony. The prelude is the only part that's worth a sneeze in a hurricane, which is why people remember it as a composition in itself. Mister Strauss misplaced all of his talent working on the remainder." Jean was struggling to stay sane as she explained this. "This music is so bad, it's painful to listen to it. Please, I beg you, please DON'T EVER make me listen to it again!"

"Same goes for me, sweetheart," added Wilma.

When the worthless music fizzled out at last, all nine subjects looked as if they were awakening from an unsatisfactory sleep. As far as the Duke could tell, however, none had actually been harmed, only bored out of their minds. Rabbishop Malarkey was the next to say something.

"Is everyone else okay? --Good. Ambassador, I believe I see AsaLion's purpose in this. The gift you already had, works to prevent crimes from occurring. This new power can serve to PUNISH crimes after the fact; it's a torment which leaves the person alive but chastened. For anyone guilty of something less heinous than a capital offense, sitting helpless through THAT colorless droning will be more than enough to deter them from ever doing that crime again."
 
Diskoduck and Wilma are just fine for now, and it's been some while since I did a multi-arc review!

>>>>>>>> \\\ The Human Federation (based on "Starship Troopers") is in good shape now, having the upper hand over the Creepycrawlids. With improved technology, thanks to the Hallpasscardians and King Truthside, their Unified Services are seeking to befriend other inhabited worlds.

>>>>>>>> \\\ The colonized worlds Latterdawn and Freesoil are also doing well. Freesoil is where Slick Mudpackis, the former Dark Headgear, is firmly established now as an up-sider. He and the other Fuss users on Freesoil are engaged in enlarging their world's ability to support a growing multi-species population. On Latterdawn, the technical genius Bill Redvest and his shape-changing bride Versaderma are occupied in the same kind of work.

>>>>>>>> \\\ On Urth, the side of good still has the upper hand. The strongest villains remaining at large, one male and two female, are the wizard Mirror Merchant, the lightning-shooter Hand-Eye, and the fast-moving Rattle-Sneak. Among Justified League members, two men accustomed to covert activity are strongly involved in the hunt for those crooks: Clean Hornet and Squire Vindictive.

>>>>>>>> \\\ On Punksteema, Ronald of Goliad, his apprentices (including a new one), and a Lower Wenzeppuan official, have headed for a country which may be home to the persons guilty for the mass poisoning which happened in Upper Wenzeppu.

>>>>>>>> \\\ On Terra, heroes have been alerted to a possible invasion by a demonic being based on "Sabacc" in "Black Adam." At the same time, I'm hinting at an impending Marvel-derived situation similar to Thunderbolt Ross becoming the Red Hulk.

>>>>>>>> \\\ My version of Mace Windu, and his wife Melodica the former space pirate, are leading a great variety of characters in operations against the remnant empire similar to what is depicted in the "Admiral Thrawn" books. For that matter, my versions of Obi-Wan and Ventress were separately doing more or less the same thing, until they and my version of Plo Koon moved into the Dune-derived plot arc.
 
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Anoxia, the world patterned after She-Ra stories, was building up toward its next war between good and evil. Emperor Crowdhack had been receiving assorted reinforcements; no individual incoming villain was nearly as mighty as my version of Marvel's Beta Ray Bill, but Equivvalentor the Neutral Dragon was allowing quite a few moderately-super villains to be imported. Given The Mob's great reliance on high technology, two off-world villains were especially pleasing to Crowdhack.

These two crooks both came from an Earth-variant which has not been mentioned before now. The elder of the two, calling himself Mister Cephalopod, was a close equivalent of Doctor Octopus in Spider-Man comics. The other, calling himself Alloy Albert, was a loose equivalent of Superman's enemy Metallo; but having no Kryptonian to oppose, he didn't carry any kryptonite. His metal chest, however, could emit a short-range heat ray.

Mere hours after this planet's would-be tyrant accepted Mister Cephalopod and Alloy Albert into his service, Equivvalentor got in touch psychically.

"Those two latest recruits of yours are, as individuals, the most powerful off-worlders you have brought in since the arrival of your allies from Planet Greedy Crime. Since I am the Dragon of Reasonableness, be advised that I will not permit you any further importation of evildoers until Cephalopod and Albert meet with good-aligned persons on Paxifica." The Neutral Dragon was referring to the no-bloodshed-allowed island on which the two sides periodically held negotiations over this or that dispute. Equivvalentor did not forbid wars between good and evil on Anoxia, but he insisted on preserving some opening for diplomacy.

"Cephalopod and Albert shall meet with She-Wow, and her new ally Bakerstray Bill, on Paxifica."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
 
In the southern hemisphere of Anoxia, Princess Advila alias She-Wow came to inspect the mostly-underground stronghold which Bakerstray Bill had already toured. Bowsaw the carpenter spoke to her about the architecture, and Interrupta the beautiful inventor spoke about all special equipment intended for fortress defense. Bakerstray Bill, whom She-Wow had met before, hovered near these conversations, only speaking when spoken to.

Eventually, She-Wow stepped close enough to the dog-headed alien that she had to look up.

"I have a request, and it should be pretty painless, because it's very difficult for anyone to get severely injured on this planet. In order to assess your value in a pitched battle, I'd like you to spar with me today, using wooden practice weapons."

Plenty of bystanders enjoyed watching the practice fight. She-Wow scored many hits on Bill, since she really was quick and skillful. But only when she began putting more effort into her strokes was she able to make him stagger back with a blow. And after he saw that she wasn't fragile and could survive a hit from him, Bill sent her flying backwards each time he landed a stroke on her. Her own greatest effort of the bout also sent him flying back, for almost thirty feet. Recovering, he smiled at the power-princess.... and sent HER flying for half a mile.

Advila had just returned to the training field when Winkyblue joined them, bringing a message that Equivvalentor desired Bill and the princess to meet with some villains on the no-violence-allowed island.
 
Advila summoned her winged mare Sleetwind for the flight to Paxifica. Bakerstray Bill, of course, could fly on his own. One minute before they would have taken to the air, they were suddenly joined by the impossibly beautiful Swimmer Pluto. "I'm not forbidden to BE here," she reminded the princess; "I'm just not allowed to FIGHT anybody. There's no order against my being present at something in the nature of negotiations."

On the flight over the ocean, Bill freely answered Pluto's questions about his own world, and about the galaxy in which it existed. She was particularly intrigued by hearing that there was a GOOD-aligned version of Loki, the one who had recently found a home on Hallpasscard. During all of their talk, Swimmer Pluto found it refreshing to realize that Bill, born to a NON-human race with its own standards of attractiveness, was absolutely indifferent to her ageless beauty.

When they came within sight of Paxifica, the Neutral Dragon appeared in midair in front of them.

"Courtesy requires me to tell you something before you land. The two villains who planned to meet you here were joined at the last minute by two more. One of these is a Lazytaxie Face Twister named Tom Squish. I will not permit him to change his appearance before you have seen him in his natural state. The other is Crowdhack himself. Not to worry, I can enforce my rules against that self-styled emperor as easily as I can against anyone else. I just wanted you, She-Wow, to be ready, so as not to embarrass yourself by a display of emotion when you see your worst enemy."

"Is it against your island rules for me to challenge him to a duel?" asked Bakerstray Bill.

"Not as long as it goes no further than words at this location."
 
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Standing outside the seaside coffeehouse called Neutral Grounds, Crowdhack reminded his three companions: "Don't lie to She-Wow's party; Equivvalentor will know it. But there's no rule that we have to VOLUNTEER any sensitive information."

Dismounting from Sleetwind, She-Wow stared coldly at her arch-enemy. "A bad afternoon to you, Crowdhack."

The leader of The Mob smiled snidely. "And a worse afternoon to you, Princess. Allow me to introduce my off-world friends. You already know about Face Twisters, because your sister-in-law Teerifica fought one. The Dragon has doubtless told you that Tom Squish here is one of those. This man with prosthetic limbs is Mister Cephalopod, and the one with a LARGELY metal body is Alloy Albert. Those two are from an Earth-variant which is home to a version of Batman. Their Batman, calling himself Street Bat, is like the character in Original Earth comic books: fiercely intolerant of anyone who's different. But with me, they found a refuge with acceptance and warmth."

The dog-headed thunder god stepped forward. "I am Bakerstray Bill of Jumpstard, a lifelong defender of goodness. Crowdhack, I know what you are; the other three are new to me. But you three, take note. Right this moment, I issue a challenge to Crowdhack to fight me one against one, under any fair conditions. You others are invited to join in and fight me at the same time; but if you decline, I won't hold it against you, since you cannot be anywhere near as powerful as I am. It is Crowdhack who has a chance against me, AND who deserves to suffer at least a non-fatal wound in his left shoulder."

The rest of the meeting was about equally as friendly as this. Tom, Cephalopod and Albert remembered not to disclose anything about themselves which was not already known. Crowdhack took Bill's challenge under advisement.
 
A SPECIALLY INSERTED INTERLUDE:

On an obscure Earth-variant, not even the briefly-mentioned one where "Street Bat" lives, mutants were complaining every day about everything non-mutants ever did.

Dark Feet-Itch heard a non-mutant girl sneezing, and screamed, "You're trying to make me get sick!" Then she telekinetically dumped the girl into a large mud puddle.

Icicle-Man saw a man wearing a heavy coat. He shouted, "You're saying it's bad to be cold! You're a bigot!" Then he caused the man to slip on ice and get bruised.

Squall heard a woman laughing, and yelled. "You're laughing at me just because I'm different!" then she made rain and snow both fall on the woman at once.

Sight-Bops found children playing with laser pointers. "You're culturally appropriating my eye-beams!" he exclaimed, and shot the toys out of the children's hands.

AsaLion got really tired of these mutants pretending that THEY were the only ones who ever had any problems. Accordingly, He took away all of their mutant powers; then He GAVE super-powers to all people who WEREN'T mutants.

The former mutants were immensely relieved to see that the former normies were merciful to them.
 
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------- I haven't forgotten the showdown on Planet Gumwad against the Hotblood Matrons and Block Atom! We now return to the exact point in time when I left that plot arc.

As has been stated earlier, the self-exiled Hotblood Matrons had lived for generations without the services of the Spaced-Out Guild. But they had re-invented non-Jalapeno-dependent starships, on about a level with Star Trek Original Series, only not as big as James Kirk's starship. Also, since battles IN space with spacecraft DIRECTLY fighting each other had been unheard of since before the Matrons had been founded, the armament which the Matrons had considered enough to install on their latest ships was less than overwhelming.

The five defending ships, even the compact Potassium Partridge with Vixen and Bot Index on board, all scored good hits on the invaders; and Cyberdork went after whichever enemy ships were strongest and/or least damaged. The weapons available to him on the Honeymoon Suite, plus his own plasma gun when he leaned out the hatch, disabled enough shipboard weapon mounts that he could alight on one hull after another. Once each contact was made, Cyberdork hacked into their weapon control, so they could no longer shoot..... AND into their warp-drive control, so they could not go to lightspeed and escape.

Being "mission-killed," i.e. rendered unable to fight, the Matron ships were compelled to land in an open area and submit to capture. Numerous armed Gumwaddians took charge of the surrendering Hotbloods, and looked forward to using the captured ships.

Which clears the way for the REAL action.

Over at the location where Block Atom was predicted to appear, the masked Mexican wrestler Luchador Hidalgo remarked to Batfellow: "If those air-fouling aliens do come with Block Atom, let me handle them."

"Are you sure?" asked Batfellow.

"Yes, I'm sure. I know I've suffered some humiliating defeats in the course of this story, because the author won't always let every good guy win automatically. But I can get my own back in this case, because I have a special advantage against those particular enemies. You'll see."
 
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At the "Intercept Block Atom" location, the four up-side Fuss users, plus Raisin of the Teen Tryouts, were poised to exert their trapping power on their high-level adversary. The super-fast Whoosh, Stillneater, and Giles Magg, plus the reasonably fast Spiderweb-Man, were poised to make their cascading attacks once Block Atom was (hopefully) trapped on the ground. Batfellow, Duskwing, Luchador Hidalgo, Chip Thursday, Jazzica, Gladiola, and Yolesha with other Penny Jezebels, were waiting to do what might be called for.

Entering Gumwad's atmosphere, Block Atom dropped Serrimu off at a branch lodge where she hoped to persuade some fellow Penny Jezebels to side with her and her metahuman lover. Then he took his three non-human allies to the exact location, at the exact time, foretold by Doctor Unusual.

When the super-villain decelerated for his approach-- imagining himself to have the initiative-- he was startled to feel telekinetic energy tugging at him hard. Groaner, Only-One, Massage, and Raisin, in unison, strove to pull him down to the ground. This didn't work out as well as the heroes hoped; the self-telekinesis which enabled Block to fly, out-pulled them all. For a moment, the four were lifted into the air, and faced with having to release their target and use their levitation to get themselves back to the ground safely.

But this very contingency was why the experienced Plow Korn had held off at the start. Now, he applied a high-precision Fuss attack...... TO SHUT BLOCK ATOM'S EYELIDS. Completely surprised by this tactic, and lacking X-ray vision, the villain came to a hover, and strove to pry his eyelids open with one hand.

His other hand shot lightning in the general direction of his antagonists.

But the Jedi-equivalents all knew how to put up a defense against Fuss lightning, and avoided getting toasted, while Raisin had had the good sense to change her position laterally. And Plow Korn had not run out of tricks: he shifted his own mind-over-matter exertion to the life-bubbles which still held Belchari, Danrufa and Eetbeenzar. Block Atom had not dropped his metaphorical towing cables which bound him to them. Thus, when Plow Korn moved THEM in a wide arc, they destabilized Block's hover at the same time.

Spiderweb-Man shot a web-line at Block Atom, while Batfellow and Duskwing both shot grappling lines. Several friendlies close to the latter two, Yolesha among these, ran up and helped pull. The added force, with Plow Korn also switching to a straight-down Fuss pull, tipped the scales. Block Atom involuntarily descended to the ground--

--where he was struck in the ribs by The Whoosh's first hit-and-run attack, then by the same from Stillneater, then a face punch from Giles Magg, then a body blow from Spiderweb-Man.
 
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Spiderweb-Man being the slowest-moving of the four above-mentioned heroes, Raisin caused a mass of sand to fly into Block Atom's eyes, preventing him from seeing which way Spiderweb-Man dodged. By the time the mega-villain figured out where the silk-slinger was, he was already being hammered once more in swift succession by Whoosh, Stillneater and Giles.

Meanwhile, the three non-human evil siblings who had arrived with Block were also on the ground, and saw Luchador Hidalgo advancing against them. Smirking in the belief that their fouling of the air would instantly incapacitate the masked wrestler, they did their nastiest. But to their horror, Luchador was unaffected. Without wearing respiratory protection, he nonetheless was immune to their organic pollutants, even to the reek emitted by Eetbeenzar, the brother.

Eetbeenzar being the strongest in a muscular sense as well as an olfactory sense, Luchador bore down on him first. Punching the astonished evildoer three times in the stomach, Luchador then scooped him up and body-slammed him. When the sisters Danrufa and Belchari tried to double-team him, he simply knocked their heads together. Once they fell stunned to the ground, the mighty Mexican gave Eetbeenzar a repeat body slam to be safe.

Later, when there was time to talk, Luchador would explain to his friends: "None of those aliens was ever inside a locker room full of pro wrestlers. By comparison, their foulness was easy to endure."
 
Jazzica and Gladiola took a risk. (If Trala-Lalia and Eerilake were also here and I forgot I put them here, just assume that they do the same thing.) Being able at least to move quickly at short range, grandmother and granddaughter drew near Block Atom, each carrying a good-sized rock. Each woman grabbed a moment between strikes by the major speedsters, then jumped in fast enough not to interfere with those others, and whacked the villain on the head with their stones.

The nearby rank-and-file Penny Jezebels gathered close by. When Block Atom appeared to be at least somewhat worn down, and with all the telekinetics maintaining their pressure, these women went to work with The Chatter in perfect unison. Jazzica and Gladiola joined in.

"BLOCK ATOM, YOU ARE ON THE WRONG SIDE. THE CALAMARI DYNASTY IS IN THE WRONG. THE HOTBLOOD MATRONS ARE IN THE WRONG. THE LAZYTAXIES ARE IN THE WRONG. NONE OF US DID YOU ANY HARM BEFORE YOU ATTACKED HERE. YOU ARE THE AGGRESSOR. THE CREATOR IS NOT PLEASED WITH YOU, AND YOU CANNOT DO EVIL WITH IMPUNITY FOREVER."

Exerting their will against his became fatiguing. Judging his moment, Only-One Kanoli dropped his telekinetic effort, switching to the Fuss user's equivalent of The Chatter.

"Block Atom, the plans of Emperor Candham are not your plans. His interests are not your interests. And your interests are misguided at best. Evil cannot prevail in the end. YOU cannot prevail in the end. But it is not too late for you to repent."

The super-villain slowly sat down on the ground. His besiegers instantly ceased hitting him, and those restraining him relaxed their telekinesis. Expectancy filled the air. Block Atom sat on the ground and looked at Plow Korn.

"I doubt that YOUR interests are my interests either. But neither do I see good prospects anymore in assisting the Calamari Dynasty. If you permit me to retrieve Serrimu, Danrufa, Belchari and Eetbeenzar without interference, I will depart from this region, to seek my fortunes elsewhere."

Plow Korn was about to agree, when the situation changed profoundly. Somehow, Batfellow, Duskwing and Chip Thursday were standing over the super-villain. As one man, the three good guys attached the devices they held to Block Atom's back.
 
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Turning around while vainly trying to pry the devices off of his back, Block then tried to shoot lightning at Batfellow.

Nothing happened. Block next realized that he could not fly away either.

"You have no magic! I can sense your ordinariness! How can you drain my powers?"

"What I have," Brutus Dwayne replied, "is intelligence, concentration on my duty, and a well refined instinct for what will work. Have you ever heard the expression, 'reverse the polarity'?"

Block nodded sullenly. "I have. That phrase has been used in television shows and comic books. When characters needed to do something scientific to solve a crisis, but the writers didn't know any technology themselves, the writers made the characters say, 'Let's reverse the polarity!' It was a lazy plot device."

"Correct," said Chip Thursday." I've seen some old movies like that."

"But this is where my instincts come in," Batfellow continued. "I intuitively sensed that in THIS case, there was a polarity which COULD be reversed: your polarity. We've made an irreversible change to your magic."

"How can technology thwart magic?"

Duskwing provided an answer: "By affecting whatever element of normal reality the magic is tied to. Back on our own Earth, evil scientists interfered with Doctor Unusual's magic, by interfering with his brain FORMING THE INTENTION to cast spells."

Batfellow resumed: "These devices have likewise made a change to your brain. A sort of Clockwork Orange thing. Even when they've been removed, the change will be irrevocable, because Batfellow never fails."

"Henceforth," put in Chip, "you are wearing a permanent spiritual ankle monitor."

Batfellow clarified further: "You actually still have your powers; but you CANNOT USE THEM for evil anymore. You can freely leave here, and take Princess Serrimu with you, since her husband wouldn't take her back now if she begged him to. But wherever you go from here, you can never again murder innocent people, or steal from innocent people, or wantonly destroy things for fun. You will be able to fight against wrongdoers, or capture dangerous wild animals, or take action against natural disasters, even defend yourself if the other guy picks a fight; but you will find your powers working better if you try in good faith to minimize killing even of bad guys. Your air-polluting friends will stay on Gumwad, performing forced labor to pay their debt to civilization."

Block Atom sighed, shrugged, and stood up. The polarity-reversers dropped off of his back, since their function was accomplished.

"You win. Serrimu and I will find some place to settle, maybe off to the far side of where the Hotblood Matrons live."

Raisin of the Teen Tryouts patted him on the shoulder. "You might even learn to ENJOY being a decent person."
 
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Over in the Cosmic Federation region of what is probably the Andromeda Galaxy, the same galaxy in which Green Flashlights previously taught science to the natives of Planet Jinobrid, a ship of the Peace Commanders was halfway on its flight from Planet Fussyfrit to Planet Umbaderro. The latter world was one which had successfully weathered the crisis of an unexplained plague turning human males into idiots.

Parbellik Magta, a non-Earthling-but-still-human Green Flashlight, had been among those educating the centaur-like Jinobridons, whose world was in the Probably-Andromeda Galaxy near the Red Streak Wormhole. Parbellik had met his true love shortly before departing Jinobrid. His true love was Gambisu Luvardra (surname first), a human-enough Heart Sapphire native to a planet within the same galaxy. (Luvardra's the one who looks Polynesian, but whose skin from the waist down is lightly spotted, so that if her legs are visible she seems to be wearing hosiery.) Luvardra had literally fallen in love BEFORE first sight, because she had experienced an accurate premonition concerning the profound goodness of the unattached and very available Parbellik. (Girl readers, do not attempt this at home.)

After entering the territorial space of the Federation, even Parbellik had felt the mind-weakening effect of the unknown phenomenon; but Luvardra had helped him to shake it off. The experience had given the young Flashlight a personal stake in cracking the mystery.

This fact-finding enterprise in the Cosmic Federation was the first major task the Flashlight-Sapphire couple had undertaken together; but there had been many Heart Sapphire Sisters in intergalactic history who had married male-humanoid Green Flashlights. These unions had almost always been successful, because such a couple never got married in the first place without carefully discussing all the potential issues of divided loyalty. Luvardra was confident of a good outcome, and her optimism infected even Chutnykorn the cyborg. Chutnykorn was a human male, but his electronic parts had stored and saved his personality when the dumbing-down effect struck.

Cheered up by conversing with Mrs. Magta, Chutnykorn was now describing some of the natural features which rendered Umbaderro an exceptionally good planet to live on.

"The majority of fruits and vegetables native to Umbaderro are edible and nutritious for ALL oxygen-breathing races represented in our Federation. Yet at the same time, all of the native carnivorous beasts find the scent of Humans OR Shmeehobbers OR Ziblamots unappetizing. The soil is rich, and farming is not in conflict with mining, because many mountains have good mineral deposits at high altitudes where no one's farming anyway. The planet's one moon is massive enough to stabilize Umbaderro's axial tilt, but small enough so that high and low tides don't cause as much coastline erosion as on some life-supporting worlds......"

Luvardra could well imagine outsiders wishing to capture and occupy Umbaderro. But this thought contributed nothing to figuring out what had caused the intelligence- killing curse which affected MANY inhabited worlds.

When they eventually landed at their destination, they were met by a large welcoming party consisting entirely of Ziblamots and Shmeehobbers. It was explained that most human women here were being kept busy taking care of their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, sons or nephews.
 
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A locally-residing female Shmeehobber named Flam-Pardibbo did most of the talking to the visitors from the capital planet. Some of it went like this:

"Whatever hit us, the timing wasn't quite uniform. We know that in large parts of the Federation, all the male humans were affected simultaneously. Here on Umbaderro, the attack spread rapidly, but it wasn't instantaneous. Human males all over the planet, night side or day side, on the surface or aboard spacecraft in orbit, were affected over a span of eight yadvit." (The time duration she spoke of was about equal to five hours.) "If there was any pattern, it was that boys, young men and very OLD men were brought down mentally before middle-aged men. We believe that this was because the middle-aged men, on average, had a deep enough reservoir of memories that it could not all be erased at once, but neither were they so antiquated that their memories were fading anyway.

"We know of at least two other member worlds where the disaster proceeded in the same fashion-- that is, not every victim simultaneously. As you may have been told before you started for Umbaderro, the plague on Fussyfrit wasn't quite instantaneous, but was rapid. The order of cases among age groups was completely random."

After two yadvit worth of preliminary briefing, the newcomers began interviewing female family members, or non-human associates, of men who had held important jobs before the calamity. On the afternoon of the following day, they hit potential paydirt.

+ + + + + + + + +

"My father was a forest ranger," said a young woman named Carsala, pointing toward a vast expanse of trees resembling Original Earth pines and spruces. "His name is Taglamso. After Mother died in an accident, which happened many months before the stupidity event struck, Father didn't stop loving and supporting me, but he did spend more time than before just hiking in the woods on his off-duty days. He often brought me along, but sometimes went alone. There's a spot called Thousand Leaves Pond, at a lower elevation where there are deciduous trees; on those days when he hiked alone, he always told me afterwards that he had visited that pond.

"Two days before your ship arrived here, Father got out of his room while I was away helping another family. But he had found the brain-function to WRITE a note! It said, 'Must shut the frozen door'. His tracks led into the forest, but I soon lost the trail."

Wibgug-Bifyok uttered his gurgly equivalent of a "Hmmmm," then said, "Frozen door? Had he recently been doing something with a freezer before the plague hit him?"

"No, but over the whole period of his mental disability, he has often mumbled about doors."

Braskorim looked at Parbellik. "You have experience with gateways, don't you? Like wormholes?"

"Yes...... and whatever attacked your Federation may have arrived in such a manner. The differences in manifesting might reflect something like a gun firing different ammunition types."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
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Staying in the same sub-reality, we now travel backwards about nine Earth-years, to show you the planet Madmaksilon-- and at last, to introduce you to my version of the BBC-TV hero Rog(er) Blake. Well, first we have to look further back than those nine years.

Medic Velda Flake, before she retired from fleet medical duty, had met and married a man of the same race as Luvardra Magta: a race which could successfully interbreed with "true" humans. Whereas women of that species had spotted skin below the waist, their men had it above the waist-- only, no spots on their faces, because that would be icky. Quardimo Koodap (surname first), the man who married Velda, was an architect and construction engineer. While Velda remained in the military, Koodap had become a civilian employee of the fleet, involved in building base, depot and armory facilities.

Once Velda mustered out of the fleet, she and Koodap had settled on Madmaksilon with their four-year-old son, who showed just a trace of his father's pigmentation. The couple had agreed that both of them could use their skills for the good of Madmaksors. This planet had no indigenous intelligent life, and was colonized only by humans or near-humans. This was not because humans bore any ill will toward Ziblamots, Shmeehobbers or even the often-snobbish Arpkevorkians. The atmosphere of Madmaksilon contained trace gases like argon, and humans could tolerate these gases much better than the other types could.

Moreover, because this frontier planet was sufficiently out-of-the-way, Velda had reckoned that living there would prevent her from facing nosey questions about her humane actions on Windaro. And sure enough, she and her husband had been allowed to live out their lives in peace.

The aforementioned son, eldest of six children Velda bore to Koodap, grew up to marry a regular-human woman. THEIR firstborn child was a girl named Royurbota; and this girl's mother was the sister of one Burgun Flake, a member of the planetary legislature. Thus it came about that Royurbota Quardimo was a second cousin to the heroic Lodge Flake; but her alien blood meant she was removed much further genetically from Lodge than would otherwise be the case with second cousins. File that information, and we'll proceed from that nine-years-ago point.

We'll pick up about four days after Velda peacefully departed to The Good Place.
 
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Yes, there IS a reason why I named this planet Madmaksilon. Large portions of its land area were flat, ideal for wheeled vehicles to roar here and there crazily. On top of this, it possessed a wealth of hydrocarbon fuel sources --AND, better still, native trees possessed an especially great ability to purify the air. It followed that there was lots of roaring around and crashing of equivalent-of-gasoline- or equivalent-of-diesel-powered wheeled vehicles.

Which meant that there had to be some good guys roaring around, or society would have disintegrated.

On the day when we rejoin the action, we find the two second cousins out on the flatland, in a thing like an oversized and very sturdy dune buggy. Royurbota was driving, keeping her head below the top edge of a bulletproof windshield, while her cousin Lodge was firing an automatic rifle over that same top edge. They were doing better than eighty miles per hour, and chase music was playing.

Lodge was not given to shooting peaceable citizens. He was shooting at gang members who, six minutes earlier, had intentionally plowed right into a crowd of children (and who were now returning fire at the pursuing cousins). Of these children, those who had not immediately gone to AsaLion's Country were already receiving emergency medical attention. Lodge and Royurbota, possessing auxiliary police credentials, and personally knowing the families affected, had given chase instantly. There had been three gang vehicles (all of them weird-looking like in Mad Max films), but Lodge had exploded two of them with a laser weapon. This raygun could only fire twice before needing to recharge its solar-or-crankup battery for an hour; so Lodge was now using his bullet-gun.

Presently, the final gangster quasi-truck was damaged enough that it rolled over ten or twelve times. This particular sub-reality, however, bore a kinship to "The Dukes of Hazzard," in which Bo and Luke had been able to leap their car forty feet up in the air, while flying five hundred feet forward, then land without smashing their car into fragments OR bursting every blood vessel inside their brains. Accordingly, the five evildoers all emerged from the wreck without a scratch. They were still dangerous-- the more so because they seemed to have stolen good-guy guns which didn't run out of bullets.

From as safe a position as she could manage, Royurbota tossed a smoke grenade at the hostiles, then darted off to one side unseen by them, drawing her sidearm. Lodge moved to the other side, firing single shots and wounding two of the thugs without pausing in one place. Their attention on him, and his own situational awareness, gave Royurbota clear lines to shoot two others in the head. Lodge wounded the last one, making three who could be taken alive.

Since all the outlaws had purposely swerved OFF of a clearly marked road to run down the children, there would not be any need for much of a trial. Lodge only took the wounded ones alive so they could have a chance to ask and obtain God's forgiveness before they were hanged.
 
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Dragged back to the scene of their crime, the three living criminals were promised a quick death, rather than hours of torture, if they provided information about their mob, whose name in English would be "the Turbo Ghouls." None of them felt any such loyalty as NOT to comply.

The information being given, Lodge was formally asking God to save the souls of the men about to be executed-- when an official hovercraft approached. Its most important occupant was a uniformed man whom both cousins recognized. He was known as Judge Wytebredd.

"Stop! Don't shoot them!" the judge barked. "We need them for a correctional-system study."

"As you command, Judge," Lodge sighed.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
At this time, Vernacula Scurvylaff was not yet the Coordinator of the Cosmic Federation. That office was currently occupied by a much older woman, Academician Krazlint Foofwack, who had been one of Vernacula's university teachers. Vernacula was one of the very few living people who knew that Krazlint had murdered two husbands. Vernacula was living because Krazlint didn't know that she knew.

Krazlint had facilitated political-science courses which taught ruthlessness. Vernacula had absorbed those lessons, AND absorbed the less-formal teaching afforded by those two homicides. While pretending respect and gratitude toward her mentor, Vernacula was plotting to eliminate her-- and to frame Lodge Flake for the assassination. Once in power, the new ruler would recruit Arpkevorkian scientists, people similar to Doctor Flunky who had formerly served in the fleet, to lend highbrow technique to the new and worse tyranny.

This would be pulled off less than a year after the events just narrated. Royurbota would have the good fortune to be omitted from Vernacula's target list. We will get back to Lodge and Royurbota eventually. You already know that Lodge lives at least long enough to lead a rebellion of sorts......
 
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Bet you forgot about Earth-Whichever! This is the Earth-variant which was Twerpseid's Waterloo. The former king of Planet Awkwardlisp had expected an easy conquest here, because Earth-Whichever HAD been without super-powered heroes of its own, though it had counterparts of Tony Stark and the pulp-fiction hero Doc Savage, plus a dog hero based on Rin Tin Tin. But by the author's design, forces of good raised up multiple full-blown metahumans in very short order. These included a NON-obnoxious version of She-Hulk, the sibling half of the Fantastic Four, a version of Whitney Houston whose singing made her invulnerable to all attacks, and a good wizard rooted in Native Australian culture. More than one Green Lantern counterpart also came to their aid. Even though the invaders were joined by my version of The Shadows in "Babylon Five," the defenders withstood all attacks and soon turned the tables.

After Twerpseid's downfall, most of these new superheroes ventured abroad, helping the forces of good on multiple other worlds. But back at home, unfortunately, the China of their Earth still operated in the spirit of Mao Zedong..... and figured to take advantage of superheroes being absent.

The Gurkhas of Nepal, not super-powered but smart and very tough, were good at surviving the murderous cold of the Himalayas; but they would not have expected anyone ELSE to attempt a ground assault there in winter. Unfortunately, they didn't know about Brigadier General Kung Tai-Su, People's Liberation Army. She had not only gained the full trust of one of the captured Awkwardlispian War Witches, but had assigned the best available scientists to transform Chinese women into copies of that Witch. This living template was Sharbadil, the unusual Witch who had satyr-like legs.

Late in December, sixty-four Chinese War Witches plus Sharbadil herself infiltrated the Nepalese border ON FOOT, in three teams. Yes, they were that durable. Sharbadil herself led twenty-four women, with another twenty flanking on either side. When they reached their designated standby positions, Sharbadil sent an encrypted "Ready" signal. This was the cue for Brigadier Kung to send in the air support.

Strike aircraft of the People's Air Force, enjoying Awkwardlispian-derived improvements in their ability to fly in bad weather, conducted air-to-ground missile attacks on eight Nepalese Army positions. Not long afterwards, each of the three War Witch platoons charged into the Nepalese outpost closest to it. In spite of all the invaders' advantages, each force lost at least four of its women to the fearless Gurkhas; but the Gurkhas at those locations were all slain. Sharbadil then had her people activate radio-noise emitters, to confuse Nepalese communications.

But the work done in India by Stork Enterprises after the foiled invasion had not been for nothing. Researchers had managed to duplicate the color-changing alien fabric which had been discovered in the suburbs of New Delhi. Sheets of this had been sent to many military installations in India, Nepal and Bhutan. Pablita Cantu of Stork Enterprises had facilitated the rapid creation of a visual Morse code network using the sheets, which gave off no radio waves to be detected by signal-tracking enemy missiles. Although in some places the weather conditions prevented the meaningful color changes from being seen, this resource did help Nepal's defenders to communicate.

Arush "Flying Elephant" Vhani, one superhero who had not left Earth-Whichever, was quick to report for duty to his country's army. His wife Jelisaveta, who had acquired an ability to detect electromagnetic signals, was allowed to come along with him on a flight with airborne troops to help the Nepalese. Jelisaveta would work with comms personnel, helping to pick up signs of enemy communications.

As for Arush himself, he was going to open a can of smash-and-stomp on the enemy.
 
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At first light, Arush was brought to where a battalion of Indian mountain troops were forming up with Gurkhas. Miss Cantu had furnished him with the latest modification of insulated cold-weather garb. Accustomed to a hot climate, he needed all the protection he could get against hypothermia and frostbite, if he was to be of any use.

His first usefulness took an unexpected form, but he did make a difference. As his formation advanced against a War Witch position, he recognized what was being aimed by a two-person enemy crew: a particle-beam weapon, capable of burning up everyone in the double-strength battalion.

As "Flying Elephant," the young hero's top asset in combat was not a matter of inflicting damage, but of SURVIVING damage. Deliberately struggling forward ahead of all his companions, he drew the particle beam's fire onto himself. What ensued was like a cat counting down its nine lives-- only, Arush had at least a HUNDRED lives. The particle cannon's operators kept on shooting him, as the snow evaporated and his cold-weather gear was annihilated, but for the moment he was unkillable. The bewilderment of seeing this (they knew of the Flying Elephant's existence, but didn't know that this was he) put the War Witches in dismay, throwing them out of their reckoning..... and giving openings to the defenders.

A hail of conventional gunfire aimed up-slope inflicted flesh wounds to the left shoulders of nearly all the women in this contingent of the advance attackers. Encouraged, the Nepali and Hindus climbed the slope, and soon took all of the War Witches at this location as prisoners of war.

Arush was not up there for that part; he had made his contribution. Until he had time to recover, he had only four or five lives left; and he was freezing after withstanding heat. A medic for the battalion hastened to wrap him in a thermal blanket.

Sharbadil was not in the group that Arush had foiled. Her own squad, and the one on her right flank, did gain some ground against the defenders, but not nearly as much ground as they had hoped to seize in their first onslaught.

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
 
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ON JERSEY EARTH, Sushi "Woman Torch" Strum was the first Earth-Whichever-born hero to receive a psychic message from Kuparr Daku the Dreamtime Chieftain: "Your work on Trace Dickey's planet is finished. You are needed on your own Earth now. The Maoist regime in Beijing has backstabbed those who cooperated with it when Twerpseid invaded, and is trying to conquer Nepal and India. I can soon get Preston Vincent to arrange a wormhole transit for you. Try to round up the others."

Sushi told her brother Jimmy what Kuparr had told her. What with the problem of the "Cosmic Fact Checkers," the super-siblings weren't even sure that all of their own co-planetaries who had come to Jersey Earth still WERE on Jersey Earth. When they heard from Preston "Truthside" Vincent, Jimmy suggested to Sushi: "Let Jasmine and me round up the others, while you go home immediately. Even by yourself, your flame will be a potent weapon against the aggressors."

No one who knew how bravely the Unfindable Man had played his part in his world's defense against Twerpseid, would infer any cowardice in his urging his sister to go first.

Woman Torch took her brother's advice, and was back home on Earth-Whichever eleven hours later. She needed sleep first of all; but people who knew how she had fought against the Awkwardlispian aggressors were glad that she was back.

Not long after she woke up, she was joined by Doc Slippage the muscular scientist, and his wife the good witch Zoorama. The three of them had plans to make for their part in thwarting the Chinese invaders.
 
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