Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Hector von Bootblack, the chaotic-good-aligned wizard who had earlier assisted Mighty Male and She-Wow against their bad guys, was familiar with the history of Original Earth. He knew that, after the Pearl Harbor bombing drew America into the Second World War, the U.S. Air Corps had retaliated with an air strike on Tokyo. This counterattack had done very little actual damage, but it had achieved its real purpose: to shake the confidence of the Imperial Japanese, to make them realize that they were not immune to being hit in return.

Protracted combat action was not Hector von Bootblack's thing, but he decided he could help out the Nepal and India of Earth-Whichever by doing a Jimmy Doolittle. Materializing at an army base deep inside Communist China, he cast a spell on all of the tanks and armored personnel carriers parked there. He changed the fuel in their fuel tanks into a powerful acid, which damaged each vehicle internally. Then, for something more obvious, he magically rendered all television sets on or near the base unable to do anything but play videos telling what was wrong with Marxism. Finally, after making sure no one would be killed thereby, he blew up their ammunition storehouse.

This did get Beijing's attention. Of course, the Chinese ambassador to the United Nations, fully aware that everyone else was fully aware that China was the aggressor, complained to the General Assembly with a straight face about "Nepalese aggression."

Bootblack's final gesture was to facilitate Golden Rakshasa reaching the Himalayan battlefront. There, joined by Flying Elephant once he was back up to strength, she helped the defenders to push back the Communist forces and their elite War Witches.

* * * * * * * * * * * *
 
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The Janitors of the Universe always had numerous evils to keep track of, but they did not overlook Earth-Whichever, where multiple Green Flashlights had served gallantly in the defense and victory against the Awkwardlispian invasion. Twishdok, the Flashlight who looked like a velociraptor, still was on Jersey Earth when he heard from the Janitors. They instructed him to go to the Africa of Earth-Whichever. Specifically, to Zaire-Congo, which on that Earth was closely allied with Red China.

"The Beijing regime of Earth-Whichever has covertly outsourced part of its munitions industry to Zaire-Congo," Master Katmatao explained. "Factories there now possess all the information and materials necessary to mass-produce Awkwardlispian tactical weapons, as designed by no less an evil genius than Lord Greensodd. The combination of quality and quantity will make their output powerful enough to become a threat even to the mightiest of superheroes. You are well suited for a tropical climate. We want you to fly to the coordinates we will give you, and render those weapon factories unusable. But be careful; they probably already have installation guards equipped with beam weapons."

Twishdok reflexively moved his tail in a way which corresponded to a nod for his race. "It goes without saying that I will not slay anyone in the course of this mission. Surprise will help me in that respect. But do you wish me to bring away any samples or plans for those weapons?"

"At your own discretion, you may salvage ONE working directed-energy weapon from Zaire-Congo, and show it to the news media of Africa. If so doing, keep the raygun in your possession at all times. Later, on some other world, you might have occasion to give it to some deserving hero. But we hope to forestall an arms race on Earth-Whichever. If it becomes regrettably necessary to furnish additional futuristic ordnance to the side of good there, King Truthside, who was born there, will be easily able to provide them with what is needed."

"Very well, Master, I'm on my way."

= = = = = = = = = = = =
 
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The United States Department of Defense on Earth-Whichever had this in common with its template on Original Earth: the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, regardless of his branch of service, was purely an administrator. Army General Timothy "Thumper" Moss had no authority to make any strategic decisions, or to issue any tactical orders.

This limitation had not bothered Moss during the global invasion led by Trippenwonk, the late Granny Rudeness, and other major alien villains. He had not had time to feel frustrated then, since even administrative activity had been urgent in that crisis. But now, the President of the United States was considering whether American forces would be involved at all in the new, much smaller Asian emergency. In this state of affairs, the top commanders of Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps and Coast Guard were getting distinctly more Presidential attention than Thumper Moss was getting. Then, like adding insult to injury, the superheroine Woman Torch, a citizen of Earth-Whichever's America, came home by wormhole..... and ALSO spoke with branch commanders while ignoring Chairman Thumper Moss.

At least, he regarded it as a rude indifference. He didn't consider the fact that Sushi Strum was anxious to get involved where she could do the most good. Soon the Air Force Chief of Staff had a job for her. She would be transported to the Himalayas, where she would use her flame in a way which wouldn't kill anyone. As directed in the tactical situation of the moment, she would melt snow to open a path for friendly troops, melt snow to create avalanches and block the path of hostile troops, or destroy material assets of the enemy as Hector von Bootblack had lately done.

Meanwhile, by ones or twos, the other home-team superheroes were coming back, putting the aggressors on the defensive. For one example, also emulating Hector von Bootblack, Zoorama magically transported herself and her husband Kirk to a vital military communications facility outside Beijing, where Kirk (after punching out the lights of the personnel there) tampered with all of the signal encryptions. Again, they killed no one, but they weakened the aggressors' ability to do harm.

As classified news of the invasion being thwarted reached Thumper Moss, he seethed with envy of those who now enjoyed the spotlight.

Some time soon, he would get in touch with scientist Bryce Donner, to discuss whether the process which had turned Bryce's obnoxious cousin into a superheroine who was at once powerful and likeable -- might work also for a late-middle-aged man.
 
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NEXT, WE REJOIN MY TAKEOFFS ON CHARACTERS FROM "THE MANDALORIAN."

Two ships, one of them armed and the other not, cruised in company to Fetlock, the native world of sapient beings who looked like Sebulba in "The Phantom Menace." The armed spacecraft belonged to Bulky Tanya, would-be Queen of all Banjolorians. She and most of the Banjolorians traveling with her were of the faction which had long since discarded the rule of never letting anyone see their faces.

Sharing the limited elbow room on board the compact starship Tantrum were Morose and Lariat, longtime henchmen to Tanya. Recently added were another female Banjolorian called Toonic Sleave; Toonic's younger brother Shorty Sleave; and a tall, muscular face-hiding Banjolorian by the name of Lashrook. The last was known for carrying a double-barrelled rocket launcher and a long whip.

The other ship was purely a freighter, wherefore it only traveled the safest routes unless it had protection. This ship's name consisted of several nasty sputtering noises which might make sense to a Fetlocker. Drilpret, the owner-captain, was accompanying Tanya's band largely because he already knew Lashrook. The tall, visored warrior had efficiently guarded cargoes belonging to Drilpret in the past. Several more Fetlockers crewed the merchant vessel, taking notice of the humans only when it was necessary. Saving elbow room on Tantrum, two more Banjolorians were billeted on the freighter: Toonic's other brother Patchy, who expertly assisted the Fetlockers at maintaining the hyperdrive engines, and Tanya's third henchman Curdle, who had learned to speak Fetlocker very fluently because he liked the sound of it.

When Drilpret contacted what passed for space-traffic control on his world, he and Tanya were instructed to make their initial setdown at the landing field of a settlement called Rainy Clearing. Fetlockers were comfortable in the driest, hottest regions of their planet; accordingly, humans who gained their trust were freely allowed to maintain commerce bases in the cooler, moister areas, an arrangement which suited everyone.

The boss of Rainy Clearing was Rick Dootyfree, a human who looked like the actor Carl Weathers. Knowing both Drilpret and Lashrook, he arranged lodging for all of the visitors, and soon got down to learning what their business on Fetlock was.
 
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Mister Dootyfree had never even heard of the Dark Machete, much less that Blastodon Kroof had it. But he knew what the Dimsaber was. He also knew who Shrinkdin Trush was, that Shrinkdin's pre-teen daughter had been initiated into the down side of The Fuss by Popquizzitor Sweetslayer, and that the Trushes were looking for the ancient Banjolorian royal weapon. By way of confirming that the Republic of Lots of Worlds really did contain LOTS of worlds, Dootyfree told his visitors that the latest world the evil searchers had gone to was called Misselanios.

"Misselanios is over three hundred parsecs from here," Tanya observed. "If they found MY rightful sword there, they'll be long gone before we could overtake them."

"We'll just have to continue your patient, methodical procedure, mistress," Morose told her.

Tanya sighed, nodding, then turned back to their host. "Can you name anybody more or less on the side of good who might have recent news about that thief's doings?"

Rick Dootyfree grinned, as if looking into a movie camera. "Why, yes. Much closer to here, on Planet Lephtovur, I have a friend and informant named Bigmuck. He belongs to one of those cantina-scene races, the race that looks like a large tortoise with the head of a hammerhead shark. As a dispatcher for his world's shipping, Bigmuck often has chances to overhear conversations among Imperial personnel passing through. Based on things he's overheard, I can at least give you a list of some planets where Admiral Skrawn's people searched for the Dimsaber and DIDN'T find it."

"That's better than nothing," said Toonic Sleave, and her brothers agreed.

Tanya shrugged. "True enough. Rick, what do you ask from us in return for that list?"

"Not a lot. Just rough up and intimidate some really annoying telemarketers, who've been driving the Fetlockers crazy and giving off-worlders a bad name on this planet."

"Point them out, and consider them as good as intimidated."

"Can I flog them?" asked Lashrook.

"Maybe the most irritating ones," Tanya told him. "But how hard you flog them will depend on how much they can take without suffering serious damage."

"I get it, mistress: different strokes for different folks."
 
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^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Unhappily for Tanya, Shrinkdin's party HAD found the Dimsaber. It was on a remote planet called Kromagdon, which was inhabited by insect-like sapients resembling the ones in "Attack of the Clones," but without any modern technology. However the Dimsaber had come to be here, those Kromagdonites dwelling nearby had concluded that it was dropped onto their world by the gods, and had been praying to it at a shrine for three of their years.

When they drew near to the shrine, Blastodon muttered, "Admiral Skrawn prefers that there be no living witnesses to our collection of the Dimsaber, unless killing them would cause MORE uproar than leaving them alive. And I don't see any media crews here." He slowly drew the Dark Machete, and activated its energy field.

Shrinkdin saw how this upset Siskeli, and told Blastodon, "Wait! The Empire of Evil Badness has a policy of pretending to respect religious freedom. Do you want to be the one to discredit that official falsehood?"

"It won't be discredited if no Kromagdonites can tell the tale;" and Blastodon advanced three more steps. The devout bugs turned to look at him.

"I said wait! Blastodon, this isn't you! You're not a random killer. You helped Lackdough Caribbiyan against those outlaws."

Before either man could say more, Siskeli interjected: "The natives don't have to be killed if they DON'T REMEMBER that the Dimsaber was ever here! I can make them forget what it was that they were worshiping. Give me a chance!"

Blastodon Kroof was indeed not a random killer. He stood back. Siskeli did succeed in hypnotizing the Kromagdonites as she had proposed; and the Dimsaber fell into Imperial hands without any blood being shed..... in this place and time, at least.
 
In the Detroit, Michigan of "Terra," at the group home where Willy Bastion lived, the undead hero Blackjay paid a visit. The people running the orphanage all knew that young Willy was Captain Sha-Na-Na, so they were present at Blackjay's conversation with the younger superhero.

"The spirit bird who first led me back to the mortal world has advised me that the quasi-demon Smackback will very shortly gain entry to our planet. I'm going to use my one annual round-trip teleportation to get to the spot in Africa where Smackback will appear."

Willy looked grim. "You've explained before that you can't carry any passengers; but if you tell me where the location is, I'll fly there on my own as quick as I can."

Blackjay gave the boy a big-brotherly shoulder pat. "I knew I could count on you. But Conn Johnstantine is also on the alert; he'll be here soon, and he CAN transport you with him. He'll also bring Winter Trooper and Wholesome Vine. You three will be as much help as he can teleport with him at a shot. Katuva Walton will meet us. The six of us, with regular African Union law enforcement personnel available to move civilians out of harm's way, should be able to handle Smackback."

Willy was unsure how much difference bodily weight made when being teleported. Just in case, when Conn Johnstantine showed up with the married hero-pair, WIlly explained that he wouldn't assume his adult-sized form until they arrived in western Africa.
 
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Kimchee Man still was in Africa, and had learned about the potential conjuring of Smackback in time that he could travel to join Sky Lioness at the likely scene of action. He was in fact flown on the final stage of his transit by the Brickhawks, who by now had combat choppers again.

Richard "Assegai" Berhanu also got in on the operation. Meeting Kimchee and Maureen Hawk's-Cry at the forward command post, the famous secret agent (yes, I said that on purpose) told them: "The Boko Hassan gang is hiding somewhere in that area northwest of us, but they've done a sharp job of concealing themselves. Even the birds who report to Katuva can't locate the scoundrels."

"When Wholesome Vine arrives here," said Maureen, "maybe she can push aside any vegetation that the Hassans are hiding in."

"That would be nice, but we can't wait. We don't know as much as I wish we knew about the rituals involved in summoning Smackback. Let's get moving. Kimchee Man, please take over the post here. When Conn Johnstantine arrives with his party, tell them what we're doing." The Assegai was too courteous to say openly, "The terrorists would smell you a kilometer away."

So the search began, on foot and by helicopter. Less than a minute after he was left alone, the Korean metahuman suddenly WASN'T alone. The copycat of Brandon Lee in "The Crow" materialized beside him-- and was not at all bothered by the aroma of garlic and fermented cabbage.

"Hello, I'm Blackjay. My spirit animal told me who you are and what you can do. The sorceror you're waiting for knows the situation here, so you don't need to wait for him any longer. I know you can fly in brief hops, and I can run pretty fast. Let's you and me flank around those terrorists-- yes, we'll go to the downwind side; and the added search element may help to stop their conjuring."

So they set out, just clear of the trees, hearing the helicopters criss-crossing the sky overhead.

When Johnstantine, Willy, Backy and Vine beamed in, WIlly promptly exclaimed, "Who put the bop in the bop-tee-bop-tee-bop!" And there stood Captain Sha-Na-Na. Needing no discussion, he took to the air. Noticing the movements of Blackjay and Kimchee Man, he steered to the other side of the search area. The others went straight forward. Winter Trooper took point, in case of any nearby physical threat. His ex-villainess wife stirred and bent weeds, creepers and branches along the way, lest gunmen might be hiding behind those.

The magician kept his mystical senses working. He could tell that Smackback had not yet intruded on the material plane, but this could change at any moment.
 
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The terrorist using the code name "Rusted Scimitar" expected Smackback to feel grateful for being given access to a close Earth- variant.

Rusted Scimitar had not watched enough horror movies. In blissful ignorance, guided by a plotline-convenient ancient scroll, he performed a ritual involving more of those weird glass objects-- which his gang had managed to find at a yard sale held by some SERIOUSLY weird people.

Assume now that some bizarre visual effects occurred. Moments later, the senior terrorist found himself going to The Bad Place, by means of a dreadful fate sort of like what happened to Cate Blanchett's character at the climax of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." But Smackback left the other Boko Hassan members unharmed, since he might have use for cannon fodder. And Red Slaughter, who stood nearby, certainly would be worth keeping around.

Dwayne Johnson's "Black Adam" film had not yet been produced on Original Earth as of this point. But you may assume that Smackback looked pretty much the way Sabacc in that movie was going to look --only taller, hairier, and colored a dirty grayish-blue instead of red.

Before Smackback had time to speak to Red Slaughter, that ogre shouted, "Behind you, master!" The incarnate fiend looked around, just in time to be hit in the face by a lightning bolt from Sha-Na-Na. Of course, this didn't put Smackback out of action, but it was a good start. The demon momentarily drove the superhero away with a flame attack, then barked orders to the Boko Hassan gunmen to fan out in case other good guys were closing in.

"Get down here and fight like a twelve-year-old boy!" roared Red Slaughter at Sha-Na-Na. The hero obliged him, not even bothering to shoot any lightning before crashing right into him for close combat. Meanwhile, to keep things lively, a horrible swarm of giant bats flapped into the sky, trying to pull down the Brickhawk helicopters.
 
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Katuva the Sky Lioness magically forced the bat-things to stop attacking. This freed some of the Brickhawks to land and fight the Boko Hassan foot soldiers, Moving to where had an unobstructed view of the demon, Sky Lioness planted her feet and began intoning her incantation:

"I stand against you, Smackback. I defy you, I resist you, I block you, I reject you, I denounce you, I oppose you, I impede you, I scorn you, I bind you, I thwart you, I disregard you, I belittle you, I repudiate you, I banish you, and I declare you vanquished!"

During this, the fiend hurled flames at Katuva, but her spiritual power stopped all of the attacks. Monsters looking like huge beetles were spreading out from somewhere, assailing all good guys who were closing in on the ground. Winter Trooper and Wholesome Vine both fired guns into the creatures, as did Richard Berhanu and the African Union soldiers; but their bullets did little damage to the hard-shelled bugs. Sha-Na-Na couldn't help, as he had his hands full with his arch-rival. Winter Trooper could break the monsters' shells with his metal arm, and Wholesome Vine could entangle them in vegetation; but with many bugs coming at them, they were hard pressed just to defend themselves. The burden fell upon Conn Johnstantine to protect less-powerful friends, gradually destroying monster after monster; but this was taxing his energy.

Richard took a gamble, falling back and letting one of the giant insects pounce onto him. From the ground, The Assegai could and did fire up into the thing's underside. This at least weakened it greatly. Some of the soldiers, with some of the Brickhawks, followed suit and also shot the mega-bugs from beneath. But by now, many of the soldiers had been injured.

Blackjay and Kimchee Man reached the scene, and Kimchee's irritant fumes incapacitated those Boko Hassan fighters who were still on their feet. But the fumes didn't repel the insect monsters. This was the moment for the side-of-good undead being to do his thing. Wielding an axe, Blackjay slew or immobilized each infernal super-beetle he encountered.

Meanwhile, Red Slaughter and Sha-Na-Na went on wrestling and struggling and hitting each other. Carrying a grudge for the time Red Slaughter had used nanobots on him to drain his courage, Willy was determined to beat the ogre on the ogre's own terms, to humiliate HIM this time.

Suddenly, both of the magic-users on the good side-- ran out of gas. But Blackjay was on the job. Assegai, Kimchee Man, and those Brickhawks who were still unhurt, kept the remaining mega-bugs and human terrorists in check; but now there was only the man from Detroit who could effectively battle Smackback.

Blackjay performed mighty leaps to strike at the corporeal demon. The axe he held was not magical; but in the hands of a supernatural being, it could inflict wounds on the fiend. Smackback in turn bathed his foe in unnatural fire-- which was painful but not fatal to Blackjay. It was uncertain if either could actually slay the other one. But something was going to have to give.
 
Red Slaughter and Sha-Na-Na were still battling and battling and battling, while Conn and Katuva were trying to regain some strength. The good guys generally had the upper hand over bats, beetles and bandits, but only by a small margin. Kimchee Man put out a mighty exertion of caustic stench, which more conclusively enfeebled the rank-and-file villains, before he sat down in limp weariness.

Wholesome Vine had been sufficiently protected by her husband, that she recovered from exhaustion before others did. Stumbling toward Red Slaughter and Sha-Na-Na, she caused a thorny bush to jam its thorns into the ogre's eyes. This got Willy's attention almost as dramatically as it got Red Slaughter's attention. Snapping out of his own blind rage, Sha-Na-Na looked at the OTHER ongoing battle-- and joined in.

Willy had not expended much lightning against his ogre enemy, so he expended it now on Smackback. All of the magical amperage Captain Sha-Na-Na could exert blasted into the demon..... and crucially weakened him. Smackback's movements were slowed, while Blackjay's blows against him increased. Concurrently, Sky Lioness rallied enough to repeat her exorcistic words against the fiend. The tide was turning rapidly. Next, Conn Johnstantine also recovered enough to cast his own magic: this, to make Blackjay more powerful.

Everything came together-- and Smackback only had the time to cry out in despair, before Blackjay leaped high, rising above the monster's horned head, as the axe in his hands grew larger and sharper. The iron edge, now carrying all the power that cold iron had ever borne against evil, came down harder than ever: down between the horns, through scalp and skull and the otherworldly brain, through mouth and jaw and throat and collarbone and ribcage. Smackback had assumed a material body in hopes of ruling Terra; but now, in this body, he died like any mortal, never to be able to trouble any human world ever again. His body fell into ashy dust.

Staggering erect, partially blind in the literal sense and fully blind in the emotional sense, Red Slaughter tried to attack Sha-Na-Na from behind. But Kimchee Man slowed him with a spinning kick, Winter Trooper slowed him further with a body-check..... and then, turning away from the ashes of Smackback, Sha-Na-Na delivered the long-awaited haymaker which put out the brute's lights.

Satisfied, the superhero reverted into the boy Willy Bastion, and admitted, "That felt GOOD." Looking toward Conn Johnstantine, he added, "You did awesome too."

Maureen Hawk's-Cry presently joined them. "Great boxing, WIlly. By the time this overweight creep wakes up, he'll be wearing chains heavy enough to hold even him."

Blackjay shook hands with Willy. "Congratulations, kid. This being concluded, I need to teleport back to Detroit now. The others will see to it that you get home to the orphanage, and I'll come by there again after a week or two." Turning toward Kimchee Man, Katuva Walton and Richard Berhanu, he said, "This looks like a happy enough ending. Nice working with you all, the Brickhawks included. Until I'm allowed to return to Heaven, it's nice to see someplace BESIDES the state of Michigan."
 
On Mediumgard Earth, Cosmic Fact Checker Zed Forsythe, who had recently been in Arkansas with Sawyer Boyd, paused in a hiding place to remember locations on his own Earth where the Heart Sapphire Sisters had been active. The most beautiful of them, in his opinion, was Lubtifor, about whom he often dreamed. He distinctly recalled hearing that, before the tyrannical Sapphire-phobes interfered, Lubtifor had flown to Samoa, where she valiantly spoke truth to power.

Although he might never see that entrancing beauty again, Zed felt that it would have pleased her to know he went to another Samoa to advocate sharing and oneness and imagining no Heaven.

He had flown west as far as Nevada before he realized that he didn’t know WHERE in the whole Pacific Ocean he could find Samoa. So he began searching for a library or school which would have maps.

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

In the Saskatchewan of Mediumgard, Colonel America, Bright Window and Roger Tree Root were eating a lunch which the Colonel had paid for, and were discussing suggestions for new magic spells which the Algonquin gentleman might try casting.

Masha suddenly exclaimed, “Comms deception!”

Roger blinked. “What kind of deception?”

“Com-mu-ni-cay-shuns,” Masha clarified. “Make an enemy think he’s receiving word from his own side, but it’s really you tricking him.”

Her husband grasped it, and told Roger, “If in any way you could cause a voice to say things those brats would LIKE to hear, maybe they WILL hear it.”

Nodding, Masha concluded: “The voice you project would urge all Fact Checkers to converge on a place where we could catch them.”
 
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Around the same time, Sawyer Boyd rendezvoused in Antarctica with Cosmo Taylor, the one boy of all his crowd for whom he felt the most personal affection. (It was pure coincidence that a "Cosmo" had become a "Cosmic Fact Checker;" such things happen in real life too.) They stayed close together, merging their cold-resistance fields as they approached a weather station. If they had been educated enough to understand hemispheres and climate, they would have been grateful that Antarctica was in summer now.

The weather station's entrance was locked, but Cosmo succeeded in manipulating the lock. They found no one here, and their view from the sky when they approached had not suggested any present activity. "The people who work here must have a rotation of places they check up on," ventured Sawyer.

"Should we do something while we're here?"

"Yeah, I know just the thing, if our power gems can make the transmitter broadcast a message."

Soon, shortwave receivers all over the Southern Hemisphere were picking up a juvenile tirade-- mostly by Sawyer, but he allowed Cosmo to do some of the talking. This was mostly to the effect that competition and individual initiative were the same thing as hatred and bigotry; that the people's collective was the answer to everything; but that collectivism should not be taken to mean that an individual boy could not be an iguana lizard if he wanted to be one.

It didn't take long for this intercontinental version of a prank phone call to come to the attention of the Hallpasscardians, and the Revengists, and the lately-arrived heroes from Jersey Earth.
 
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Your narrator now reminds you that Mediumgard Earth has a close equivalent of Marvel Comics' character Ben Grimm-- only, without the same companions. Paden Glumm, here being the only one altered by cosmic rays, had fought against many evils before the Revengists were organized; before the African kingdom of Wonkabara emerged from isolation; before the free-willed android Eyesight was created; and before the evil titan Flatnose was recognized as a threat.

Eventually, Paden had found his soulmate in Lucretia: a woman who, though not super-powered, was physically large enough to make a good partner for him, and who valued the person he was above his external appearance. Happily, Mediumgard was not infected by the trend which eventually cropped up in the comicbooks of Original Earth: a tendency for all relationships to fall apart and end in bitterness. Once married, Lucretia absorbed enough of Paden's strength that he didn't have to worry about harming her when they made love. The Glumms not only stayed in love with each other, but saw Paden win the Presidency of the United States by a landslide.

So it came about that, when Sawyer Boyd's HF-band broadcast from the South Pole began to be picked up on receivers in the Northern Hemisphere, Mrs. Glumm brought it to her husband's attention. Paden was already aware of who and what the "Cosmic Fact Checkers" were; but their pirating the radio shack of an internationally-supported Antarctic weather station was an escalation beyond "only" trespassing in schools and stealing from restaurants.

Summoning Air Force personnel who had polar-zone assignments on their service records, President Glumm contacted Hallpasscard, asking King Garryowen to provide some teleportation via the Dentfloss Bridge. Garryowen obliged, and added a bonus by detaching Ballwun the Uncommonly Decent-- currently carrying Oatmealnir-- to accompany Paden's team.

The first hint Sawyer and Cosmo received of their being held accountable for their offense against public order, took the form of the door they had locked being torn off its hinges by the rather annoyed President of the United States. Two of the Air Force men, who had been briefed about the Heart Sapphire phenomenon, pounced on the astonished boys and forcefully plucked the red earplugs out of the spoiled brats' ears.

"Quit stepping on my tail!" shrieked Sawyer Boyd.
 
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Left to their own devices, Shelley and Lance Heflin were visiting the ultra-swanky hotel district of Dubai. After some exploring of her own Heart Sapphire powers, Shelley had realized that she could reproduce the phenomenon which had made Sapphire-derivatives out of nine boys from Jersey Earth. She could give this power to her husband..... but she didn't want to. She enjoyed bossing him around.

She did, however, give Lance the ability to understand and speak Arabic. Delighted by even this much enlargement of his total abilities, he began telling wealthy Arabs that they needed to redistribute all of their wealth. He grew so enthusiastic in his lecturing that he added a recommendation for them all to consider learning Tibetan Buddhism from Drigum Namdre.

This got Lance arrested and jailed. Shelley at least cared about her husband enough to spring him; and once he was free, they flew out of Dubai.
 
Ronald the Last Towerman, southward bound, mounted on his saddle-buck Polarboy, was nearing the border between the civilized country of Limzeppu and the not-so-civilized country of Gahurr. He still had all of his apprentices with him, in approximate order of enlistment: D'Kovo Pril with his bow, Otto with his dagger plus the equivalent of kung-fu skills, Ilya with his axe, Talusek with his sword, and Diego with his bolt-action rifle. The last of these was from Lower Wenzeppu. Also in the expedition were Diego's uncle Judge Kadelpuk Doshmo, Kadelpuk's grown son Klemrath, and Commerce Mediator Triglon Fedlo. Days after they finished their visit to the Limzeppuan city of Gubtohib, they were carrying various newly-purchased items of tin.

Almost within sight of the border, they were met by a sturdy, weathered woman driving a two-donkey cart, with a light crossbow slung at her back and a dagger up one sleeve. She introduced herself as Monica Teller. "I'm a vineyard manager from west of here. Noon Wine Slopes, the vineyard where I work, was not the source of the wine which was recently poisoned, but the very fact that such a thing was done, disturbs all vintners. Would you consider permitting me to accompany you in your investigation?"

Triglon told Ronald, "I'm familiar with Noon Wine Slopes, a reputable outfit. Sometimes their wine has even been shipped thousands of miles away aboard Silnarpian airships."

Everybody soon began a stretch of proceeding on foot, lightening the load on their beasts. As part of sharing facts about commerce in this region, unaware that it would be of any special interest, Monica revealed that the Two Rivers Evil Business Corporation of Reslagor often hired the use of space on Silnarpian airships.

"The Casador family has its own resources for land and water travel, but hasn't invested in sky transport of its own."
 
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At a border-watch station on the Limzeppuan side, a guard corporal named George greeted Ronald because he knew who Ronald was, then asked Monica, "How's Wally doing lately?"

Turning to her new companions, Monica explained: "That's George's cousin, who got hired as an assistant bookkeeper at the vineyard." Then she faced George again. "His work is fully satisfactory. If it continues that way, Wally has a good chance to succeed Shugvock when Shugvock retires."

Nodding, George next addressed Kadelpuk. "If you go as far as Chestnutville, be on the lookout. I know that you heard when Black-Thumb Stedriff went to jail; but he was released four days ago."

Klemrath whispered into Ronald's ear: "That's a troublemaker who was in our country for several days a while back. Father made him pay heavy damages, including forced labor to repair furnishings he broke, after he went berserk in a general store."

"Sounds like a man well suited to live in Gahurr."

"Be advised that if we cross his path, he won't face you or me in a fair fight. He's more of the back-shooter type."

"Well, there are enough of us to keep watch in all directions," Diego told his cousin.

Ronald glanced at the faces of George's subordinates, then back to the corporal. "Is there anybody between here and Chestnutville who's doing anything like upholding law and order?"

"If you detour westward on the first paved road you'll see beyond the border, it'll take you to the town of Gravelpit. There's a popularly-elected constable there, named Quadmor Basset, who really does discourage crime."

Ronald's eyebrows rose. "Would he be any relation to Yorick Basset?"

"Yes, he's Yorick's son. Yorick still is living, but retired after losing the use of one leg. He's now the town headman."

Ronald explained to everyone: "I passed through Gahurr with Wyatt Hickok thirteen years ago. We met Yorick, and were impressed with him, but had no chance to meet his family."
 
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By evening of the following day, the expedition had covered most of the distance to Gravelpit. There was a prosperous farmstead whose owners had REMAINED prosperous because they were well armed and had slain several outlaws in recent years. They had also contrived to visit Limzeppu, and had given business to Noon Wine Slopes. Your narrator is not naming this family, because they will play no part in later action; but they knew Monica Teller. Upon her vouching for the others, the family let her sleep overnight in a guest room, while the rest were allowed to camp nearby. A blacksmith employed by the landowners even replaced a loose horseshoe on D'Kovo's pony, free of charge.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The reader may recall that Yarbeck Trask from Reslagor had overflown this region in a Silnarpian airship. While the author tries to decide WHERE Silnarp is located, let's agree that Yarbeck is currently in a small nation called Nabrodo.

The Nabrodoans enjoyed reasonable safety from Gahurrite barbarians, because Nabrodo sat on highlands with only a few places of access, easily defended. The business community of Silnarp made things even easier for the Nabrodoans, by conducting airborne trade which Gahurrites could not attack. Yarbeck was busy with perfectly legitimate bargaining, none of which had any bearing on Sir Ronald of Goliad, nor on the poisonings in Upper Wenzeppu.

He was between business meetings when he was called psychically by Jaheg-Jorod. As has been explained earlier, he believed that it was Lady Selma calling him. He believed that Selma had somehow acquired magic just since her husband Armando died.

"Yarbeck, dear, I have sensed that the Last Towerman and his adherents are drawing closer to Nabrodo; not very near, but proceeding southeast. Since Ronald of Goliad is full of hate and malice, it would be a good thing if he never again came any closer to Reslagor than he is now. This, especially in view of our work with naval armaments."

Copperfox reminds the reader that one thing Captain Trask IS guilty of, is murdering foreign sailors from the southern continent, as part of covertly testing anti-ship weapons like the float harpoon.
 
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When our adventurers eventually met with Quadmor Basset and his father the mayor, both Bassets were glad to see Ronald, and happy for him that he now had several trainees. When Klemrath brought up the subject of Black-Thumb Stedliff, Yorick had plenty to tell.

"Two thirds of all towns in Gahurr-- which is to say, all the towns which AREN'T intimidated or owned outright by brigands-- are closed against Stedriff. He has never been a poisoner himself, nor am I aware of his having any link to the poisoning you speak of. But he does at least have acquaintances who use poison against their victims. His most frequent place to relax lately is the city of Oxhide Spring."

Klemrath remarked to his non-Wenzeppuan comrades, "Oxhide Spring is one of just four communities in Gahurr big enough to be called a city: population around eighteen thousand. Half of the people there hate the other half; and opportunistic low-lifes like Stedriff walk the fence between them."

Quadmor looked at Ronald. "If you contemplate going after Black-Thumb in Oxhide Springs, I have enough reliable deputies to look after things here in Gravelpit, while I accompany you." Next, he looked at Ilya. "Master Trostel, I heard mention that you know how to handle guns. Why don't you have a gun with you?"

Ilya looked embarrassed. "It's because I haven't fired one in earnest for over a year. Been trying to increase my knowledge of the natural sciences."

Ronald interjected: "I encourage my apprentices to gain a wide spectrum of knowledge and skills."

Ilya then continued: "And most times that I was drawn into action against barbarian intruders, this took place in locations with no line of sight for more than five paces, making hand-to-hand the form fighting took."

"Well, there are many long lines of sight in Gahurr. Have you ever fired a handgun which had a rifled barrel?"

"Two or three times, Constable."

Quadmor opened a cabinet and brought forth a double-barrelled pistol, resembling a short stagecoach gun. "Black-powder ammunition, but rifled barrels. Accurate to more than sixty yards. No sentimental value to Father or me; I took it off an outlaw. Now let it belong to a future Towerman."
 
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In Oxhide Spring, Black-Thumb Stedriff was at a tavern, doing terribly naughty things which can be openly mentioned on Dancing Lawn. He had sneezed without covering his mouth, cheated at checkers, taken the last slice of a pizza, failed to tip a waiter, and failed to replace the toilet paper in the restroom.

The outlaw was gazing at a waitress, who of course was wearing a heavy long-sleeved neck-to-feet gown, when everything around him seemed to dissolve. He was not frightened, because this had happened before. Unlike Yarbeck Trask, Stedriff knew that it was Jaheg-Jorod communicating with him. He also knew that no bystanders would hear anything he said to the evil immortal.

"What's going on, boss?" he asked.

Jaheg-Jorod was tolerant of the gunman's casual manner of speaking.

"You know who Ronald of Goliad is. He is coming from Gravelpit, looking for you. If he arrests or kills you, and acquires proof of how you assisted in the action against Upper Wenzeppu, there will be no mistrust between Upper and Lower Wenzeppuans. This will mean further that the Wenzeppues remain mutually supportive, so that you Gahurrites, and Sledge Nomads who serve me, would face much more difficulty trying to hit them and Limzeppu from both directions. Although your poisoning scheme was not my doing, I would hate for its influence against peace and friendship to be undone. I would also hate to lose your services by way of your being shot or imprisoned."

"So are you going to strike the Towerman dead with magic?" Stedriff asked.

"That is not as easy as you suppose, my mortal friend. The One Whom I hate and fear is with all Towermen and Smoke Maidens, sharply limiting what one such as I can do directly against them. But since YOU are part of the natural order, His notion of fair play means that you could kill this knight. And one thing I can do is to give you at least some information about what Sir Ronald is doing."
 
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