Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

>>> The same story arc now leads us back to the Upsydaisylon System, home to the Bubblewrap Non-Aggression Project.

Woodrow Ackerman's armed freighter Queen Yessa had given good service in operations against the Empire of Evil Badness and the Barnsmell savages; since then, technicians from the Republic of Lots of Worlds had provided improvements in ship design. This assistance had boosted the construction of an upgraded counterpart of Yessa.

Woodrow's existing ship was more than good enough to suit his usual business; but when his Braykpedduli engineer Trablo Kuldivan expressed interest in the new ship, Woodrow had given his blessing for Trablo to make the move. Being a "plankowner" of the new vessel, Trablo ended up as captain of the Constance Tilbury. The new armed freighter was named after the Earthlyforce warship commander who had died heroically in the campaign against Admiral Skrawn's Empire.

During the period of the starship's construction, an elderly Kantpoolian woman presented her credentials to Captain Elizabeth Broccoli, and became the official Ambassador to the Bubblewrap Coalition from the Republic of Lots of Worlds. Minyada Tooblor had been a university professor on her homeworld, and was good at learning about new cultures. She kept quiet about the fact that she would never have taken this assignment if Bruce Loxbagel had still been in charge on Bubblewrap Five. It was hard enough for Minyada to swallow the fact that Elizabeth's executive officer was a man, Josh Cordwood.

But it had been some consolation to Minyada that the station's third in command, Snack Salad, would be departing the station for months to come, joining the Constance Tilbury's company once that ship was commissioned for service in the name of the Bubblewrap Coalition.

The new ship was twice the size of Queen Yessa. The armaments fit was kept similar, though enhanced in strength, efficiency, and ammunition capacity. There were powerful defensive energy-shields, a feature still new to Earthlyforce, and physical missiles for offense, five times as many of them as Yessa carried. As the biggest single design departure, there was now a hangar bay which housed two Skyfury space fighters. One of the fighters would be piloted by Snack Salad, who had kept his piloting certification current. The other..... by Corin Webber, no longer attached to a Shadything terror-ship. Corin had finally forgiven Councillor Deelyte, Bruce Loxbagel's Mintcandybarri wife, for her gross hypocrisy in calling humans violent.

Snack's green-skinned Tryyurluck wife, Noherra Synthmusica-Salad, became the navigation officer. Two also-green-skinned Toofah-Roffians were available to furnish a psionic resource: Dim Jargon's young friend Gross-Goo, and Yoga-Rug's niece Bestbaya.

Near the end of Constance Tilbury's shakedown cruise, Master Drool, Keeper of the Great Artifact, used his holographic image to make a classified announcement to secrecy-authorized persons, including Trablo Kuldivan, Elizabeth Broccoli, Ambassador Tooblor, Chief Salad, and the two persons of Yoga-Rug's race:

"I have been ethereally exploring regions of space belonging to the Star Wars-slash-Spaceballs sub-reality, and have discovered an intriguing development. As you know, in our storyverse, lightsabers are not a self-sufficient piece of technology; they have to be generated by a Fuss user. But the Banjolorian people have a sacred weapon-artifact, the Dimsaber, which does have a self-contained physical existence.

"It would be both morally questionable, and extremely difficult, for us to get our hands on the Dimsaber. But I have just discovered that a reasonable IMITATION of the Dimsaber now exists, called the Darkmachete. This newer weapon was created by and for the forces of Evil Badness.... which means that it would be positively virtuous for us to take it away from them.

"I strongly recommend that the Constance Tilbury, under cover of routine commerce, be deployed to look for clues to the new weapon's whereabouts."
 
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We now join the characters who are heading for the "Dune"-based sub-universe:

On board the compact starship recently christened Honeymoon Suite, two essentially-human males, two essentially-human females, and one tusk-faced male who was biped but not human, were setting forth to support the mixed band of good guys led by the Ashtrayides family including Groan Starr and Princess Vixen.

Only-One Kanoli relished being with his bride Massage Breathless-Kanoli, and she with him; Habgun and his sister Wiltrava, formerly slave laborers in Imperially-controlled lithium and cobalt mines, relished being free to perform work they enjoyed; and Master Plow Korn calmly looked forward to new adventures in a story-reality which worked differently from the patterns conceived by George Lucas and Mel Brooks.

Before they had flown very far, Grand Master Yoga-Rug remotely checked in:

"May the Fuss be with you, boys and girls! Let me give you a capsule rundown of what's ahead for you.

"The snobbish clans of Calamari and Snarkonnen have been on a short leash for a while. They recently tried to make a comeback by infiltrating Seedubb Earth; but local superheroes, helped by Groan Starr, kicked their cans. The Naughtygators and Lazytaxies associated with those bad guys also tried to meddle in a sub-reality based on Filmation cartoons, but they were defeated there too. Things would FINALLY be looking pretty good for House Ashtrayides, if not for two new factors in that game. One of these factors is organic to the Jalapeno-dependent mega-culture, while the other is not."

"Is the 'outside' element like an evil counterpart of superheroes?" asked Plow.

"That's right. Not long ago, a world called Senphatori was temporarily ruled by a domineering demigod called Block Atom. It took a concerted effort by many metahumans to pry him loose from there."

"All right, if Block Atom has no roots in the Jalapeno-powered empire, how does he come to have some involvement there now?"

"Before he ever intruded on Senphatori," explained Yoga-Rug, "he happened to visit one of the worlds affiliated with Lousy Sekondhanstor. There one of the women called Penny Jezebels --they are ALWAYS beautiful by human standards-- became smitten with him, and left her husband for him. She assisted him on Senphatori; and when that planet became too hot to hold them, they resorted to House Calamari's exile world. Block Atom is okay with Emperor Candham holding administrative power over many planets, as long as Block is free to do as he pleases."

"And what's the element that is natural to the Jalapeno-fueled realms?"

"A depraved offshoot of the Penny Jezebels: long banished to outlying worlds, but now transgressing against Planet Gumwad....."
 
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Habgun completed one of his shipboard tasks while Plow Korn was talking with Yoga-Rug; then he entered the conversation. "My Lord Rug, will your news determine our initial place to make planetfall?"

"It will, I suspect, at least narrow your options to four or five. A very likely choice is Gumwad, the first Jalapeno-Empire world in generations to be visited by the 'depraved offshoot' I mentioned. They are called the Hotblood Matrons. They murdered or imprisoned all of the Penny Jezebels they found there, and this is why numerous heroes flew to Gumwad to defeat the invasion. Landing on Gumwad, you could join forces with a strong team of powerful people.

"Logically enough, the planet now housing the downfallen Calamari Emperor is another place you could visit. But if you landed there now, you would have Block Atom to reckon with, plus two chemical-warfare specialists who accompany him of late. Along with some high-quality soldiers whom Candham was allowed to retain in his employ."

"No doubt another of our choices is the planet which is the only naturally-occurring source of The Jalapeno?"

"For sure. The remaining options to start with are the respective original home planets of House Ashtrayides and its bitter enemy House Snarkonnen: Waterpark and Greedy Crime, respectively. The Snarkonnens have evacuated Greedy Crime, and specimens of their abandoned equipment have already been collected; the only cause to go there would be a mission of mercy to the peasants left there."

Now Wiltrava spoke up: "My brother and I are not legendary warriors, to help you combat this Block Atom character; but if there's any organized rescue-and-recovery project on Greedy Crime, our skills might be of some value there."

Yoga-Rug's virtual head nodded virtually. "In other words, let the three Fuss adepts on board the Honeymoon Suite proceed on more warlike operations, while you two join in the rebuilding for a once-oppressed population. I like it! But I don't recommend you being set down on Greedy Crime directly. Instead, you should approach Alec Hurdygurdy on Waterpark, and let him integrate you into the detoxifying work. He is now the Ashtrayides military governor on Greedy Crime, and only returns to Waterpark or Srirachiss on errands which pertain to his current responsibilities. He'll still be on Waterpark when you get there.

"Now excuse me, while I go manifest myself to Lady Jazzica on Gumwad, and let her know that Fuss masters are on the way to assist her."

= = = = = = = = = = = =
 
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While the Honeymoon Suite was making its detour to Waterpark, Block Atom proved that he was a man given to decisive action. Since the Starhatch access to Gumwad was blocked, he consulted with Candham's astrographers for the flight route to the colony world. Using his magic to create a life-support bubble, he brought Serrimu, Danrufa and Belchari with him. Serrimu had convinced him that her presence would favorably influence the Penny Jezebels on Gumwad.

Now, your author seems to remember having left Stillneater Ashtrayides on Waterpark, where he took part in the project of building more starships that were not dependent on the Spaced-Out Guild. If somehow this is not so, Copperfox calls upon his readers to assume that some circumstance or other caused the son of Paul Muddy-Drip to arrive on the historical Ashtrayides homeworld a few hours before the Honeymoon Suite landed. Upon meeting Plow Korn, Only-One Kanoli and Massage Breathless-Kanoli, Stillneater said to them:

"It's good that you're here. I've had a plotline-convenient vision of the near future. Our friends on Gumwad face a threat against which the powers of Jalapeno are of limited use. There's a super-villain called Block Atom, who is mightier than any of the heroes on Seedubb Earth: stronger than Aquaticman, stronger than Spiderweb-Man, stronger than Cyberdork, stronger than Green Flashlight. He has allied himself with House Calamari, and they plan to recruit the nasty Hotblood Matrons, with Gumwad as their initial place of contact.

I've already told Haxxadoff and the other Naughtygators who submitted to our authority everything I know about this peril. They can get us to Gumwad before Block Atom will arrive there. Yes, there still is value in their ability to crunch space instantly. One of their jump-ships can ferry all of our ships to the destination.

"You three have the same powers as my Uncle Groan Starr. You can't move at super-speed, but you can telekinetically manipulate and capture objects-- or people. Of Jalapeno users, exactly two are able to move at a sustained super-speed: myself, and the Goulash clone of my grandfather. All of us gain the power to move quickly in short spurts, but that isn't good enough against a practically invincible enemy."

Plow Korn, the most experienced of the three Jedi-equivalents, interjected: "Probably none of us possesses the means to KILL Block Atom; but if we can telekinetically trap him on the ground, you and the clone of your grandfather can make high-speed attacks to wear him down, joined by anyone else who can at least hurt him a bit. Then we Fuss users and you Jalapeno users can combine our mental influence, in an attempt to reshape his mind."
 
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On Block Atom's flight toward Gumwad, he was not yet out of sight of the parent star of Planet Lousy Sekondhanstor when a caped figure appeared ahead of him. It was Doctor Unusual, whose spell-casting voice was audible through vacuum. Not so strange, since every Star Wars movie has noises happening in outer space.

"Motah Kolb, Motah Kolb, Motah Kolb!"

This incantation caused Block Atom and the life-bubble he was towing to stray off course. This would work long enough so that the sorceror-- with two passengers of his own-- would reach Gumwad at least a day before the bad guys could. Unusual's passengers were The Whoosh, because the sorceror had intuited the plan of the good guys on-scene...... and crucially, Batfellow.

Because Batfellow always wins in the end.

The delay to Block Atom was reduced somewhat by The Queen Of The Goshdarned, one of the evil immortals associated with Hopecrusher Central. She told the villain, "Your enemies are being reinforced, but not as powerfully as they might have been. Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles is away on a mission again; and Doctor Unusual will be unable to join in the actual fighting, because his powers have to be directed against the magical sabotage being waged by Antimerica Chutzpah. But don't underestimate the heroes whom Unusual is bringing to Gumwad. Try to stay airborne; they want to trap you on the ground. And for surface-level action, whether or not you get grounded, I present one more villain who is known to you....."

Suddenly, Block Atom found that he had a second life-bubble in tow. This one contained the villain whom even his own sisters were glad to see isolated from them in these conditions: the horrifying air polluter Eetbeenzar.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Once Batfellow and Whoosh got together with their fellow Seedubb Earthlings. and with the Dune and Star Wars parody heroes, Batfellow received a concise report from Duskwing, then listened calmly while Plow Korn explained the battle plans. Presently the Caped Campaigner told the Jedi-equivalents:

"If your plan to immobilize Block Atom works, try to trap him where I can get near him. I have a special surprise, prepared to my specifications by my chief scientist. There are three identical devices; I'll keep one, while Evening-Wing, excuse me, Duskwing holds the second, and Sergeant Thursday holds the third. The three of us need to keep some distance from each other, to maximize the chance that ONE of us will get a chance to use the invention."

"Is it a compact Anti-Villain Device?" asked the crimefighter once called Robin-Good.

"Close enough to that."
 
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After delivering Batfellow and Whoosh to Gumwad, Doctor Unusual was able to render one more valuable service to the good guys before flying home. He informed them that Hotblood Matron reinforcements would arrive aboard their ships three or four hours before Block Atom's party would arrive, and exactly where their ships would land (in addition to where Block Atom would land). This allowed Groan Starr's family and the other heroes to decide how they would allocate their forces.

The five available armed spaceships would intercept the Hotblood Matrons' landing craft in mid-descent. Princess Eerilake would command Sky Queen, with Fluralida of Srirachiss and Maritima of Tatlantis joining her ship's company. Ulysses Bardette would command Waterpark One, Puke would command Selenium Falcon with Bunkem Isotope assisting, and Princess Vixen would command Potassium Partridge with Bot Index assisting. Vixen's was the weakest ship in its construction, but male technicians of the Gumwad colony had strengthened its hull with reflective armor. Several volunteers from among the local Penny Jezebels, who possessed some spacecraft knowledge, rode along on the larger two ships to make themselves useful. Cyberdork plugged himself into Honeymoon Suite, needing no instructions to fly it and fire its beams. If I fail to name somebody in this post, it's okay, they're doing something or other.

At the location where the hostiles coming from Lousy Sekondhanstor were due to arrive, there waited Plow Korn, Only-One Kanoli, Breathless Massage-Kanoli, Raisin of the Teen Tryouts, Lady Jazzica Ashtrayides, Sister Yolesha with more Penny Jezebels, Trala-Lalia, Stillneater, Gladiola (if I left her someplace else, just assume Doctor Unusual teleported her here also), Giles Magg, Spiderweb-Man, Batfellow, Duskwing, The Whoosh, Luchador Hidalgo, and Chip Thursday from the Kansas State Police on Seedubb.

Sergeant Thursday, who had seen plenty of graffiti in his law-enforcement career, had an inspiration, which might lure the main villain in where they wanted him. Assisted by locals, the motorcycle cop collected enough rocks to spell out a message which would be visible from twenty miles up. The words were "BLOCK ATOM IS A POO-POO HEAD."

===> We're moving elsewhere now for awhile, but don't worry, we'll eventually return to Gumwad: right at the time when the Hotblood Matron force enters a parking orbit and prepares to land its invasion force.
 
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ON PUNKSTEEMA:

The following events occur a few days before the last Punksteema post I wrote.

North of a point between Mifdola and Valtork, the crew of the Gogatai Canyon sighted an unexpected and mixed gathering of men. Half were Sledge Nomads, while the rest showed a great variety of clothing and weapons.

Lots of weapons.

When this detail was noticed, Kring Dakamish immediately ordered a cautionary climb in altitude, releasing half of the ballast. He made sure that the heavy sandbags were jettisoned well before the airship was close to being directly above the strangers, who had not been proven to be hostile. A particularly keen-sighted Loi-Jeltua crewman called Romdaz was at the bow of the gondola, using a brass telescope made by the Droval craftswoman Sazka-faf-Boli. As a worker whose career centered on international commerce, Romdaz could recognize many signs of a person's nationality.

"Skipper!" (The airman was using a term of address in his language which closely corresponded to the English word "skipper": a recognition of Kring's authority, but less formal than the title which Romdaz would have used if speaking to the owner-captain, Lady Setbari Timsad.) "About half of the strangers are Sledge Nomads, but seem not to belong to any of the bands which have attacked Mifdola any time recently. Of the rest, some have coats which probably were made in Yanstark, some from Duhoth, and some from Jikmakir."

Yanstark was a neighbor nation to Zoralee Jeralo's native land of Gromstark, while Duhoth and Jikmakir, both farther west than Yanstark, were island nations which have never appeared in the story before now. It should be told, however, that the rulers of these two islands were among those rulers who had cynically robbed Donnie Tonka of his business assets on their soil.

Zoralee was not a detective for nothing. "Captain Dakamish, those last two nations came up in a discussion of Prendok Fegsor as the prime suspect in King Feckladast's death. No one at that time suggested that the rulers of Duhoth and Jikmakir were complicit in the regicide, but it was mentioned that Lord Prendok had visited both islands many times over the years. I also heard then that, while never at war with each other, Duhoth and Jikmakir never had very extensive dealings with each other. Yet here we see Duhothians and Jikmakirots."

Donnie followed her drift. "And our quarry is personally a link between those two islands of bandits."

"Attention, crew," said Kring. "We will pretend to ignore those men down there, until we can land behind a hill out of their sight. Those whom I will designate, to include Miss Jeralo and Mister Tonka if they're willing, shall draw weapons from the arms locker....."
 
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Two years before the episode now in progress, Lord Prendok Fegsor had done something right.... but had MADE THE WRONG USE of it.

There had never been any incursions into Mifdola by the goblin-like Bloody Diggers since Prendok's father had been a boy. But within Prendok's own boyhood, the Diggers had begun to suffer defeats in the warmer latitudes they preferred. This included the twin kingdoms of Brishlo and Brishdar; the reader understands that those peoples had not completely eliminated the underground threat, but they had reduced it.

In manhood, already beginning to assume some of his aging father's more strenuous duties, Prendok had led men of his fiefdom against a large raid by the subterranean subhumans. With sword and pistols, he had personally slain fifteen Diggers-- and had taken the raid leader as a live prisoner. Well and good so far; but then Prendok had chosen to try a separate peace. Releasing his prisoner, he had patiently developed a covert alliance with the Diggers.

As part of the deal, months later, the Diggers had brought him the corpses of several of their people who had died in accidents. Prendok thus could pass these off as having been killed by him and his men when repelling a follow-on raid.

Prendok had stood no higher than twenty-sixth in line of succession for the Mifdolan crown. His father was twenty-fifth, but would not have been interested in becoming a monarch, so Prendok had no incentive to eliminate his father. Even eliminating the King had not opened a path to royalty for the schemer; but what it had achieved was to render Mifdola vulnerable to potential threats which Prendok might use to make himself look good.

Weeks before forming his murder plot, Prendok and some of his men (including Guardsman Thellark) had ventured south and seized a goblin raiding party beyond the Mifdolan border. The leading raider had proven to be a medium-high chieftain. By keeping this Digger hostage, the traitor had opened negotiations with the underground brutes. The line of thought was that, if the Diggers could be made to seem complicit in the regicide, this would not make their people any MORE hated by surface dwellers; and Prendok would look heroic by seemingly punishing the goblin tribe. (This, by repeating the trick with Diggers who had already died anyway.) Afterward, Prendok would covertly assist the Diggers in attacking other surface nations, like Valtork and Jeltua.

Prendok had not considered how determined then-Queen Yiltim would be to avenge her kindly husband.
 
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Prendok, though indistinguishable in a plain hooded cloak, was among the gathered men whom the airship lookout had spotted. Some of those with him, similarly obscured against recognition, were Bloody Diggers. Prendok had just returned his hostage to them. This act was enough to ensure continued alliance, or at least to nullify any special grudge against Prendok.. Not that the Diggers were capable of honorable gratitude; but from a practical viewpoint, they understood that even if estranged from the Mifdolan people, a smart surface-man like Prendok still could be of use to them, and there was no reason to kill him.

Accordingly, at the first sign that the airship had set down an armed landing party, the just-freed hostage tugged at Prendok to come underground and escape. In a snap judgment, the treasonous lord reckoned that even if the Diggers killed him, they would kill him less painfully than the subjects of his royal victim would have done.

Prendok's henchmen felt less optimistic about following Bloody Diggers into a tunnel, and so remained above ground. But again, those Diggers who also stayed to cover the retreat of their high-ranking fellow goblins had no cause to turn against the human criminals. There was a common foe to face; and if any of them survived, the practical alliance might continue.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Varlock Patterson, the leader of the party of Sagrum Rangers, had become rather smitten with Zoralee. When she joined the search party taking the Gogatai Canyon, he had given her one of the old-style Sagrum cavalry pistols, with fourteen cartridges. This was the pistol design which only held one shot at a time, but used pre-formed bullets which could be replaced in a matter of seconds. "Your compact pistols doubtless work well in a crowded city," Varlock had told her; "but for open-field use, our weapon has easily twice the killing power, and four times the range with no loss of accuracy. Three of the bullets I'm giving you are silver, just in case."

As far as the lady detective knew, they would not be encountering any truly magical enemies; but she had heartily thanked the lieutenant, and made sure to keep the silver bullets where she could get at them in a hurry.
 
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The keen-eyed crewman Romdaz owned a heavy crossbow, similar to the one owned by Ronald of Goliad. He was one of three airship crewmen who joined Zoralee and Donnie on the ground. Two other airmen who also had good eyesight stayed with the Gogatai Canyon, but were issued rifles with telescopic sights made by Sazka faf-Boli. Kring Dakamish determined the timing for his airship to climb again and let the snipers go to work. He would wait until the five on the ground were almost within rifle range of the hostiles. (None of them could be certain yet that their primary quarry was present, but the gathering they had spotted was assumed to be hostile.)

Donnie, Zoralee, Romdaz, and the two others advanced with as much stealth as possible-- not yet knowing that the target group included Bloody Diggers, who could SMELL them coming. In case the reader hasn't guessed, these anonymous guys are the "red shirts" here, though I'm not going to kill them off. The human bad guys, alerted by their goblin companions, opened fire as soon as the good guys were in range. While not slain, the anonymous pair both suffered, you guessed it, non-fatal wounds in their left shoulders.

Romdaz helped his wounded shipmates to get into the best available cover, where he bound their wounds before starting to return fire. He had the use of his friends' rifles, as well as his own crossbow, to shoot back. Donnie and Zoralee, meanwhile, began a cautious flanking move to the north. Great caution was necessary, since these two had no long guns. Donnie, in fact, made no attempt to get closer to the enemy until he was sure Zoralee was up for it.

"Romdaz is holding their attention," the detective told him. "I want to get into pistol range and score some payback."

From the airship's gondola, Captain Dakamish used a primitive megaphone, and his own strong lungs, to shout a demand for surrender in every language he knew. In response, the Bloody Diggers revealed what they were, and rushed toward the three stranded airmen. This conveniently brought them inside the range of the handguns carried by Donnie and Zoralee. Their fire, and that of Romdaz, hit the goblins from two directions, while the two riflemen still aloft engaged the human villains.

Seven Diggers rushed toward the flankers. Donnie fatally shot one of these, then drew his sword before the hideous creatures could come to grips. Having time for one more shot from her borrowed Sagrum pistol, then drawing her two derringers now that the enemy was near enough to be hit by them, Zoralee inflicted disabling wounds on three more attackers, then drew her cutlass.

Donnie's blade had a longer reach than Zoralee's; and-- with no apologies to girl-power fanatics-- men on average ARE stronger than women; so he took on two of the three still-intact goblins, leaving the third to the Gromstarker woman. All three Diggers bore sturdily-made stone-headed axes, and it was a battle worthy to be choreographed by Copperfox's real-life sister who is a theatrical fight director. (I never said women COULDN'T be fighters.) During this melee, the least-weakened of the wounded goblins tried to get behind Donnie; but Zoralee slowed him down with a hurled rock, enabling Donnie to finish that one. Once the two humans had slain all still-threatening Diggers near them, they had two living prisoners. And Romdaz had succeeded in holding his own position.

Prendok Fegsor escaped underground with his allies-- but not before Kring Dakamish got a good enough look to be sure of identification. So at least any lingering doubts about Prendok's guilt were eliminated.
 
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The airborne searchers had better sense than to chase Bloody Diggers underground without overwhelming force-- ideally to include some of the battle-trained badgers which the Brishlon animal-handler Stelshuff Pindu employed. So, because radio communication did not yet exist anywhere on Punksteema, the Gogutai Canyon flew west, back toward Mifdola. The latest pass by this planet's unnaturally-close moon brought a west wind which, given expert ship handling by Kring, carried them home in a matter of hours.

Still a detective, Zoralee suggested bringing along one of the Bloody Digger corpses, for Felipe the knowledge wizard to perform sorcerous forensic work on the body. Kring agreed, then said, "We'll sling the body under the gondola, so it won't defile our ship."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All the way west in Hukshem, it was night at the time when Gogutai Canyon returned to Mifdolan airspace. T'Pinnok Zur, brother-in-law to the Towerman apprentice D'Kovo Pril, entered one of his dream states. Knowing instantly what this was for, he reached out mentally.

"Felipe! The airship crew is bringing a Bloody Digger carcass to you for augury. When the dead monster lies before you, focus all of your scrying power on determining what involvement it may have had with human outlaws. I can tell you this much already from the vision I'm in right now:

"The Digger whose remains you will examine was from the same horde which our cavalrymen fought against on their way east. His gang traveled underground all the way to that point east of Mifdola to meet with your Mifdolan traitor. It is furthermore shown to me that some of the same lot of Diggers visited Vulture's Vomit Villa two days after Ysidro and Hemrogo left there, and spoke with bandits there."

In the psychic dialogue, Felipe now asked, "Can you tell whether this goblin activity has any connection with the recent undead plagues?"

"No connection. There are many forces of evil in Punksteema."

"Thank you, this will assist me greatly. Before you break contact, how is your bride progressing in her Smoke Maiden training?"

"Very rapidly; Razibi is a highly determined young woman. She is especially doing well at the situational awareness which Sir Ronald taught her while he was lodging with us."
 
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By the time the airship landed in the capital, Felipe had performed preliminary truth-seeking spells. Two relevant facts emerged in this phase. First, the fact that Prendok Fegsor had kept his plotting compartmented, never letting Guardsman Thellark know about collaboration with the Bloody Diggers. Second, the fact that there were persons on the islands of Duhoth and Jikmakir who were accessories to Prendok's crimes, though Felipe could not augur any of their identities.

"These nameless islanders probably are not in on the part with the Bloody Diggers," he remarked to Queen Sotavalit. "I happen to know that the Diggers have never succeeded in tunneling under deep seabeds, thus they could never travel to those islands for hostile OR friendly purposes. It follows that evil Jikmakirots and evil Duhothians are much more likely to be interested in how your father's demise would affect their mercantile or diplomatic positions."

The Digger corpse was brought to Felipe after he had eaten and rested. Thereafter, the body was placed inside a circle of truth-seeking symbols, and Felipe went to work in earnest. When his magic had done all the fact-finding it could do, the body disintegrated into a cloud of smoke. The first persons on hand to learn his findings were Queen Sotavalit, Queen Mother Yiltim, Lady Setbari, Donnie Tonka, Heejee the girl sniper, and some of the Bear Brothers.

"One moment, first things first! I need writing materials!" When the materials were brought, Felipe drew a map derived from his magical discoveries. The map showed the entire network of Bloody Digger caverns, natural and excavated, covering an unbroken area which extended east beyond Valtork, and to the west included the twin kingdoms which the Bamulican soldiers had aided.

"Now for the talking part. The underground sectors here, here, here and here are all very recent construction. This is where those two islands come in, WITHOUT any of the islanders knowing that it was about the Diggers. Jikmakir produces an excellent hardwood, suitable for timbers to prop up tunnel ceilings. Duhoth possesses an abundant supply of clay that's good for bricks. By obtaining these materials, Prendok helped the goblins to improve their long-distance mobility without running into human armies everyplace.

"Even those monsters have SOME capacity for gratitude. I can state with certainty that they did not turn on Prendok's party and kill them when they escaped from Kring's people. My last bit of divination says that Prendok will find things to do elsewhere, before he tries any future action against this kingdom."

"You're marvelous!" exclaimed Heejee, and impulsively hugged Felipe. The teenage Queen, seeing Heejee's action, managed to conceal the fact that SHE had been about to hug Felipe before Heejee got to him first. Sotavalit had something else to attend to immediately: her mother's advice to communicate with the island nations about Prendok being a criminal.

All this time, Zoralee had not shown herself. When she heard later about Heejee's action, she felt just a little odd: not consciously jealous, but-- odd.
 
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*** In the plot arc with an Earth-variant where my version of Dick Tracy became a Jedi-equivalent......

Tong Sao-Tu, the Chinese-Malaysian man tagged by Green Flashlight Gramsuli as a Flashlight candidate, had been transported to Planet Wawa by Green Flashlight Zaz-Chispa. He was now under the instruction of Green Flashlight Indabog. Meanwhile, the Algonquin tribesman Roger Tree Root, gifted with magic powers by the good-aligned Loki-variant Lowerkey, had been given a rainbow-bridge ride from Jersey Earth to Mediumgard Earth, where he was met by locals who had been told to expect him: Crimson Witch, Colonel America, and Bright Window. The latter two had managed something of a honeymoon, and were now back in action. The couple introduced themselves to the Native American hero, after which Crimson took the lead.

"King Garryowen let us know where you would land," she said. "For a far shorter hop, I'm going to transport you, Steve and Masha to a place where you, Mister Tree Root, can operate most comfortably: our Earth's version of Canada. At least one of the so-called 'Cosmic Fact Checkers' is running around in English Columbia. Once you three are in the search area for him, I'll get back to searching for others...."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The boy to whom Crimson Witch referred was Marley Shadoof, another ally Sawyer Boyd had gained at the Heart Sapphires' gathering in Pennsylvania. Marley had emulated Sawyer in pretending to have changed species. In his case, he claimed to have become a squirrel. Despite having considerable difficulty in his attempts to eat acorns, and being unable to pass through a squirrel-size aperture, Marley insisted that he was just a slightly larger squirrel.

When Roger, Masha and Steve came upon Marley Shadoof, he was at an outdoor ice rink, disrupting all the skaters' movements. He was dressed in summer clothes, as his twin Heart Sapphire-type earplugs emitted warmth for him. Not caring whether the skating strangers understood him, he was jabbering about how all of them could become squirrels also.

Before now, the Algonquin gentleman had practiced casting low-intensity spells. Now he got ambitious. "Let the gems in that boy's ears lose their power and fall to the ground!"

A yelp came from young Mister Shadoof, and he covered his ears with his hands. None of the heroes were sure what happened to the earplug jewels, but Masha grasped the meaning of the boy covering his ears. "Of course! He's been selectively deaf since he received powers; now normal sounds are disorienting to him!"
 
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"He might get his earplugs back," Roger cautioned. "Lowerkey warned me that my magic would not be totally unbeatable. We need to work on him while we can."

Masha nodded to Roger, then whispered in her husband's ear. Steve grabbed Marley by the shoulders, turned him to face away, then shifted his grip to the boy's armpits. Masha simultaneously climbed onto Steve's shoulders. Easily bearing the weight of both others, Colonel America walked toward a nearby tree.

"I believe you can hear me now. You say that you're a squirrel; then you should be able to CLIMB a tree like a squirrel, not using your flight power, only your fingers and toes. Roger, please remove this kid's shoes and socks." Once Roger did as asked, Steve lifted the bewildered boy higher, very close to the tree trunk. This was a very tall old maple, whose lowest branches were more than twenty feet above the ground. Marley's head was nearly on a level with Bright Window's head. She extended her arms, till her fingers could touch his thin forearms. Roger stayed close by.

She told the boy, "Now I can feel any tension in your arms. If you're a squirrel, you can climb up just as my husband said. If you still have your levitation ability, and you use THAT to go up the trunk, I'll know the difference. Now, climb if you can."

"Of course I can climb without my power implants; I'm a squirrel! You haters will be sorry for doubting me"-- and when Steve eased his own grip, Marley tried to take all his own weight on his fingernails and toenails. But all twenty nails instantly lost their hold on the bark. Roger helped Steve to ease the boy down onto the ground unhurt.

"You're not a squirrel, son," said Roger in a kindly tone. "You only imagined you could be one."

Marley Shadoof sat in the snow and cried like a three-year-old. The few coherent words which broke through his wailing were about himself wanting a safe space, and about the three adults being bigots who hated everyone that was different. Unfortunately, in the course of this crying fit, his ear-gems reappeared; and before Masha, Roger or Steve could restrain him, he took to the air and flew away.
 
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"I told you my spell might not last," sighed Roger. "However it was that Highfyver originally generated the Sapphire power, it remains very strong, even in a secondhand variety."

"Who is Highfyver?" asked Colonel America. "Somebody on a level with Flatnose, or with Garryowen of Hallpasscard?"

"I know nothing about Flatnose, but Garryowen sounds right as a comparison. He lives over in what I assume is the Andromeda Galaxy; but his Heart Sapphires periodically transit a wormhole to meddle in our galaxy. Some of his top officers, more or less comparable to your Timekall and Ballwun, landed on my Earth to clean up the mess the Sapphires created."

Bright Window raised an eyebrow. "Are the Cosmic Fact Checkers part of Highfyver's cleanup?"

"None of us on my Earth can say for certain. The Sapphires there were as much taken by surprise as the rest of us were. Same goes with Barndora, Wispy and Slightray, those are important henchpersons of Highfyver. They all agreed that the presence of the Sapphire Sisters had never before produced such a side effect on the natives of a world they intruded on."

Colonel America frowned. "Well, Thorpe slew Flatnose, but there are other cosmic super-villains. Probably one such being piggybacked its power onto the energy of the Heart Sapphires, without consulting Highfyver."

Bright Window patted Roger on the arm. "Your spell wasn't wasted. You can probably repeat it on other 'Fact Checkers,' and one or more might LISTEN to us while they are able to hear."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
 
With conditions on Jersey Earth now pretty much under control, two of the non-human Green Flashlights who had been working there flew to Mediumgard Earth to help out. One was the blocky-bodied Poradsimu, the one who had eyes in the back of his neckless head as well as in front; the other was the tortoise-like female Gramsuli, who felt a maternal sort of concern for Sawyer Boyd.

The pair landed at the Tibetan monastery which had once been home to the devious Drigum Namdre. The chief abbot of the monastery, already aware of the existence of extraterrestrials, took their arrival calmly, and willingly gave them all information he possessed about the forces currently at work to corrupt this iteration of the human race.

"Is there any service we can perform to thank you for this assistance?" Poradsimu asked.

"Yes, there is. A month ago, a rockslide blocked an important mountain trail northeast of here, beyond that peak;" and the abbot pointed to one of the surrounding mountains. "It is one of the main routes for pilgrims, and novitiate candidates, to come here. Could you remove the obstruction?"

"In less than a day," Gramsuli assured him.

The two Green Flashlights ended up not only reopening the travel route, but bringing some of the removed rock to a suitable place near the monastery, where it could become the foundation for a new storage building. This accomplished, they set out to offer their help to the Revengists.
 
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The android named Eyesight met Gramsuli and Poradsimu in midair, half a mile above the Tunisian desert.

"Agents of the Janitors of the Universe, welcome to my Earth-variant, and thank you for joining in the remedial action. I have apprehended one of the deranged other-Earthly boys. His name is Raleigh Nakamura, and what he claims to be is a maple tree."

"What sort of tree is a maple?" asked Poradsimu.

"One whose sugary sap is edible. Every true Earth-variant I know of has maple trees. Whether consci0usly or not, Raleigh chose a fake identity which he can pretend to prove. You presumably know that the Sapphire energy can create actual nourishment?"

Gramsuli replied, "Yes, the Sapphire Sisters on the Earth where we recently were, produced large quantities of nourishing food. It was the least they could do, since their sabotaging of industry crippled agriculture in many nations."

"Well, Raleigh has been creating a very convincing replication of maple syrup. Quite a few people have consumed it on pancakes."

"So these people found the syrup digestible and sweet?" said Poradsimu.

"They did, with no ill effects, which is good. It's also good that not one person sampling his product agreed that he really was a tree. Nonetheless, HE claims that he has proven himself to be a maple tree."

Gramsuli shook her scaly head. "All right, let's go see the kid. How are you keeping him confined?"

"Princess Shurthingy, sister of Plaque Panther, came up to assist. We've got Raleigh at a facility in Sudan. Shurthingy brought some plotline-convenient technology which specifically prevents him from flying....."
 
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At the installation in Sudan, Shurthingy was joined by the Hallpasscardian physician Welbymark.

"Shurthingy, have you determined whether the substance of these ear prosthetics is in any part extracted from the boys' own brains?"

"I'm almost certain that it isn't. My turn for a question. You Hallpasscardians have the best real-time global surveillance; have you detected any boys NATIVE to this Earth-variant acquiring the crazy magic earplugs?"

"We're very certain that there are no such cases."

The princess-genius nodded. "Most likely. Although I'm told that the Heart Sapphires themselves don't know how the boy-centered phenomenon got started, it looks as if no boy can become a whatever-it-is WITHOUT having been close to Sapphire Sisters."

About five seconds after she said this, there was an intercom notification from site security: "Princess? Bleeder the Vampire Killer is here, to see how your work is going." The entrance guard's voice contained a smirk, since he knew that Bleeder had a crush on Shurthingy. But when this member of the Revengists came in, he was all business.

"Hello, Shurthingy. I suddenly realized that you only recently got involved with this 'Fact Checker' mystery, so I thought you should know something. Many weeks ago, a Christian missionary couple visited Wonkabara. Their names are Lance and Shelley Heflin. Your brother the King sensed something odd about them, but the nature of it was only revealed later. They fell under the influence of Drigum Namdre, a Tibetan monk who had turned evil. They had begun preaching the alleged merits of government control of all property before those weird boys came here.

"But somewhere in there, Shelley Heflin turned into a Heart Sapphire. Which means that, whatever influence the boys received from the Sapphire Sisters on that other Earth, remains in effect right here. It follows that boys born on OUR Earth may eventually receive those ear-things too."
 
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NOW, REVERSE TIME BY MANY DAYS.....

Senior scientist Jean Yuss, one of the good-aligned Spacebullions who had reclaimed their world from the evil rule of Bob Snooze, arrived in the Bakesum star system without mishap. With her were six crewmembers: Matthew, Nestor and Pretorius who were fellow Spacebullions, and Margie, Nelly and Purdie who were Directvideans.

When they landed on Planet Cakebun, they were welcomed formally by Wilma Dearthing, the wife of Ambassador Diskoduck, and K'Pish, a Goldarnit businesswoman who was prominent in commerce with the Cakebunters. "You can speak freely in front of K'Pish," Wilma told the new arrivals; "she has earned widespread goodwill by her fair dealings in business."

Standing next to Professor Yuss, looking at K'Pish, Nestor blurted out: "How much do you know about the Duke-Ambassador's new superpower?"

Wilma rolled her eyes, leaving her Goldarnit friend to answer.

"Wilma knows what her husband can do, but refuses to speak about it. I will not speculate out loud, but I can say what has become common knowledge. Persons affected by this time-tampering phenomenon all seem to remember hearing an unfamiliar melody. They're not even one hundred percent positive that Diskoduck made it happen, because many who experienced the suspending of events never saw him anywhere nearby."

Jean Yuss thanked K'Pish, then added, "We'll have a confidential talk with Ambassador Diskoduck soon. First, though, I'm interested in up-to-date news of commercial ventures on this planet."
 
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At the ambassadorial residence, Rabbishop Malarkey of Directvideo joined the Duke and Wilma in welcoming the Professor and her six shipmates. Already aware of the visitors' topic of interest, Diskoduck recounted his whole adventure on the outer moon where the Space Odyssey-type artifact had been uncovered. Jean Yuss was disappointed to learn that the mystical rectangle had ceased to exist after imparting its gift to the Duke.

Crewmember Purdie asked, "Is there any evidence of other ancient relics in this star system?"

"Not that we know of," Diskoduck replied; " 'We' meaning those of us who know about it. So far, everyone's kept it quiet. There probably aren't any others in this system; but if there are, we don't want ambitious outsiders poking around our gas-giant planets hunting for them."

"Do any of you have any substantial theories about what the makers of the artifact wanted to happen once a human got empowered by it?" asked Jean.

Malarkey shrugged. "It's pretty sure that those plotline-convenient super-duper-aliens intended only good. This precisely suggests why they didn't do more along these lines: they didn't want to be playing God. They didn't want AsaLion to be annoyed with them, but it was all right for them to make a modest extra boost available for the side of good."

"I can't help supposing," Wilma put in, "that if people could read about my husband's experience, they would be interested in how he managed to make real use of such a peculiar and limited superpower."

Jean Yuss abruptly had a hunch. "Your Grace, if a gesture activates your special music, have you thought of trying OTHER gestures?"

Diskoduck admitted that he had not tried this. "I don't want to be like the fisherman's wife in the fairytale, asking for too much and then losing everything previously gained."

"Well, I don't think that the anonymous ancient aliens designed their magic slab to cause harm. Could you try it now?"
 
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