Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Dagwood Rumley assigned two of his horsemen to accompany Ronald's party, both to add to the protection they already had, and to let people know that the foreigners' errand was honest and above-board.

The first village they would enter on the road to Gubtohib was called Smedratib. It had a population less than four hundred souls, but still had a working tin mine. Tin being a component in bronze alloy, they sold most of their ore to their own country's bronze industry, but there was no law that they couldn't sell some to foreigners. Diego, who had made known to his new friends his interest in metalworking, was already aware of what Smedratib could offer.

"Uncle, can we buy some tin vessels in the village? And may I watch a tinsmith at work?"

Kadelpuk looked sidelong at Sir Ronald, who promptly replied, "Increasing goodwill is always useful. And I especially like the idea of Diego studying metalcraft. A Towerman SHOULD learn constructive skills, not only combat methods. For instance, Otto here is highly adept at fishing, which he learned from his Nizozuan foster parents. And I'm a good ropemaker."

\ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \
 
Yarbeck Trask still did not know that Jaheg-Jorod even existed; much less did he know that the evil immortal had killed Armando Casador. He knew only that the widowed Lady Selma was now in charge of the Two Rivers Evil Business Corporation; and he THOUGHT he knew that Selma had acquired magic powers. He thought it was her voice which was guiding him in this commercial expedition.

My dear Yarbeck, you are doing very well; you are more of a comfort to me in my loss than you can understand. In order for you to continue succeeding, you need to be kept up to date. The hateful magicophobe, Ronald of Goliad, has crossed the border of Limzeppu. With him are several striplings whom he is corrupting, teaching them to hate everyone who is different.

"Do you want me to take some action against him?"

Not at this time, sweet captain. Ronald's power of deception is formidable; you could be made to appear as the villain of the piece. If you encounter his party, I urge you to be friendly to them. Since in fact we had nothing to do with those poisonings, and since Ronald has no way of knowing about our attacks on foreign shipping-- (here, Jaheg-Jorod was actually telling the truth) --I encourage you, if possible, to ASSIST the gunslinger and the Wenzeppuan officials in their investigation.

"Very well, mistress, I shall tell all my men that Sir Ronald is not to be regarded as hostile."
 
ON TERRA, THE EARTH-VARIANT WHERE I INVENTED MY COMPLETELY
ORIGINAL SUPERHEROES KIMCHEE MAN AND SKY LIONESS:

Tolliver "Green Dart" Crane, aware that Willy Bastion had returned to his present hometown of Detroit, sent him a coded message: "I'll be dropping in very soon. Please ask Blackjay to join us for a conference" --Blackjay being my ripoff of Brandon Lee in "The Crow."

Halfway on his executive-jet flight to Detroit, the crimefighting tycoon received a return message that Rocky "Blackjay" Evanston would join them at the orphanage. (None of the children there were afraid of the musically- talented revenant; they knew that Blackjay was on the side of good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"No, I never even heard of Smackback," Rocky admitted. "Although I have one foot in the afterworld, I don't go out of my way to learn about icky evil spirits or ancient curses. I prefer to be part of the human world for as long as AsaLion allows me to."

"All the same," said Green Dart, "you ARE a powerful magical being, which makes you perfectly suited to help us fight a demonic enemy. And Smackback is reportedly as cruel and merciless as villains come. If you're willing to use the limited freedom of travel you were given by Mazash for a trip to Timbuktu, your presence could make a vital difference."

Captain Sha-Na-Na, currently in his boy-form, chimed in: "Mazash once told me a LITTLE bit about Smackback. It took Mazash AND several other good sorcerors to imprison him in ancient times. And Mazash is semi-retired now. Even Conn Johnstantine wouldn't want to tackle Smackback unassisted."

The undead hero looked thoughtful. "Hmmm.... if Johnstantine will need all his power to contribute to your potential magical battle, this canks my thought of asking him to wangle an EXTRA outside trip for me. All right, I'm willing to use my established annual pass to join you in Africa and fight Smackback-- assuming he does gain entry to our world. But bear in mind, I can only be away for forty-eight hours, after which my geas will snatch me right back to Detroit."

"So we need more information, and good timing," said Green Dart.
 
= = = = = = = = =

The ancient city of Timbuktu, in the land of Mali, was farther west than where the main African action in this plot thread has occurred so far, but still was within the jurisdiction of the African Union. A leading feature of Timbuktu on Original Earth is a majestic mosque, erected at a time when Islamic culture was at its peak of intellectual achievements; the place functioned as a sort of university. The mosque on Original Earth was completed in 1327; its counterpart in my story-world was completed one year earlier, but otherwise can be assumed to be identical to the real-world site.

The Boko Hassan terrorist nicknamed Rusty Scimitar led a small team of terrorists into Timbuktu, not do any violence to anyone, but to hunt clues to someone who could help them do PLENTY of violence. Red Slaughter waited far outside of town, since he would have attracted inconvenient attention. The reader is invited to assume that the Boko Hassan men did the sort of searching for hidden clues that you would expect to see in an Indiana Jones movie, although those movies were never made on this Earth-variant.

Copperfox will bring you back to "Terra" when more events of interest are due to happen.
 
>>> In the galaxy where the worlds New Laziness, Dahudor and Jinobrid exist.....

On Fussyfrit, capital planet of the Cosmic Federation, Coordinator Vernacula Scurvylaff was acting upon secret instructions from the evil immortal Kennedweeba, who wanted all stories to end badly. For public consumption, she went on galactic media to announce her endorsement of Green Flashlight Parbellik Magta and his wife, Heart Sapphire Gambisu Luvardra Magta. The superhero spouses intended to see whether their outside perspective could help find a cure for the mental plague afflicting human males on Federation worlds.

Besides humans, two other sapient species wielded major influence in the Federation: the long-armed Ziblamots, and the rather blobby Shmeehobbers. Because only the human race was affected by the mysterious intelligence-draining phenomenon, there was no problem with males of the two non-human races officially supporting the efforts of the Magtas. Reasonably enough, persons whom Parbellik and Luvardra had already met would fill these roles: Wibgug-Bifyok for the Shmeehobbers, and Braskorim for the Ziblamots.

Braskorim and Wibgug both possessed rudimentary space-piloting knowledge, but two qualified humans available here on the capital world would carry out most of the astronautical duties. One of these, already introduced to the Magtas, was the male cyborg named Chutnykorn, whose electronic part had preserved enough of his personality and memories that he could function reasonably well. The other pilot-- the only person going on the expedition who was totally new to the Magtas as of departure preparations-- was Constable Kactusita, belonging to what seemed to be a paramilitary police force. The local-tongue label for her organization came across to the Magtas as "Peace Commanders."

"You will go first to Umbaderro," Coordinator Scurvylaff told them. Kactusita explained to Parbellik and Luvardra: "That's one of the most wholesome planets in the Federation for living conditions. Also, Ziblamots and Shmeehobbers are numerous enough there, that when human males were stricken by the brain-dulling effect, local infrastructure suffered less damage than on many of our worlds."

"Making that an easy place for us to start," ventured Luvardra.

"That's right," said the Coordinator. "You certainly wouldn't want to begin on Madmaksilon; it was ALL human-inhabited when the plague struck. Aid workers of the other two races found it already in chaos when they arrived. Dangers to life have been remedied there, you understand; but research work had best begin on Umbaderro."

Parbellik and Luvardra squeezed each other's hand, sharing the unspoken thought: Madmaksilon will turn out to be the key to everything; that makes the most narrative sense.
 
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Now your narrator time-travels backwards about seventy years, within the timeline of the vaguely Star-Trekkish Cosmic Federation, to give you a better idea of what this Federation really is.

Captain Archisko Picurk, destined to have schools named after him on Planet Fussyfrit, earned his fame as the commanding officer of the starship C.F.S. Extrovert. One of his remarkable feats consisted in destroying a hostile starship..... AFTER he had sat unretaliating for ten minutes while the other ship hammered him with beams and missiles. The suicidal rules of engagement maintained by the Federation in those days had explicitly constrained him to whine and beg for negotiations until no fewer than one in five of his crewmembers were killed. That he still won the engagement, despite absorbing so much damage, was indeed a tactical triumph.

Picurk also found fame as a diplomat in circumstances where diplomacy WASN'T suicidal. He once was invited to moderate an extraordinary many-sided debate. The persons debating were members of over twenty different super-evolved, ultra-superior, everything-doing ancient alien races. All of these beings were demanding to be given credit for secretly creating various primitive civilizations on younger worlds, like the early Chinese and Egyptian civilizations on Original Earth.

Every primitive civilization mentioned in this complex debate had AT LEAST four ultimate unbeatable supreme infallible races claiming to have created that culture. Picurk walked a tightrope, carefully hinting that the logical rule of non-contradiction would not allow two races of super-beings BOTH to be the exclusive benefactor of the SAME primitive society.

Picurk had particularly dreaded that the super-aliens would start fighting over their claims, and would devastate one or more of the defenseless worlds they were claiming to have elevated. But his gamble of raising the logic issue paid off. The super-aliens all knew they were busted for their failure in reasoning. They did in fact begin fighting each other-- but in open space, not on any of those inhabited planets. Their pretext for fighting each other was each advanced race claiming NOT to have fallen into false logic, a dispute not directly connected with the ancient history of the younger races in question.

Archisko Picurk possibly saved tens of billions of lives on this occasion.

Sadly, that is not the end of his story..........
 
Six Fussyfritter years after the above-described diplomatic success, Captain Picurk received a new medical officer on board C.F.S. Extrovert. This was a certain Doctor Flunky, the first member of Extrovert's crew NOT to belong to any of the Federation's three leading races. Closer to humans than to Ziblamots or Shmeehobbers, he was from Planet Arpkevork. Flunky performed very well at attending to all health needs of a tri-racial crew..... but he was destined to make his real mark in a different way.

On a mission to locate new intelligent races who might join the Federation, Extrovert investigated a planet which had given signs of possible habitation. Called Windaro, the planet had a roughly humanoid indigenous race. The space explorers managed to establish communications with the Windarans, only to find out that the planet was confronted with a crisis unique in Captain Picurk's experience.

Thousands of Windarans were suffering mysterious neurological afflictions. This epidemic was nothing like the emergency among Federation humans in our story's "present" time. The Windaran situation affected both sexes equally, and no victim suffered loss of intelligence. Instead, patients suffered severe muscle spasms; in the worst cases, respiration was impaired. Extrovert's medical staff replicated oxygen-feed equipment, keeping hundreds of the worst-affected natives alive, while engineering technicians helped still-healthy natives to build additional respirators. But all of this was no more than a stopgap.

Consulting with Windaran physicians, Doctor Flunky found that none of them had a clue to the cause of the epidemic; but they were more than eager to collaborate in a search for the cause and cure. Such indications as they could identify, argued that something hereditary was manifesting.
 
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A crucial revelation occurred sixteen days into the battle for lives. It happened simultaneously at two separate aid stations. Flunky was running one station; the other, about three hundred kilometers away, was being managed by the equivalent of a physician assistant, a woman named Velda Flake. Yes, Flake. Velda's elder brother Prodeg was destined to be the paternal grandfather of Lodge Flake.

Up to this point, none of the victims had fully recovered, but far fewer had actually died than Flunky and Velda would have expected. A relatively lower mortality rate was good, sort of-- but all of society on Windaro had ground to a halt. Then came the surprise.

It happened with a female patient at Flunky's post, and with a male at Velda's post. Each of these Windarans appeared to die..... but moments later, each one glowed with shimmering colors. Next, each one sat up, and grew a pair of wings! Finally, each one flew away, without a word of thanks to the caregiver.

As soon as he heard that Intern Flake had witnessed the same phenomenon, Flunky called the starship, asking Captain Picurk to conduct overhead scans from orbit. This confirmed that more natives, in regions not yet reached by Federation aid, had also been metamorphosed. Another detail emerged: at least three Windarans in remote settlements had changed PARTWAY, but then died after all.

This caused Flunky to delegate all caregiving to his subordinates, while he exclusively studied the genomes of the Windaran race, especially any available genetic signs from the individuals who had survived metamorphosis......
 
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Less than three days of this new emphasis passed before Doctor Flunky declared: "Mother Universe has revealed the explanation! She is boosting the Windaran people in their greatest evolutionary leap! We must not interfere with their ascension to godlike status."

By radio, Velda replied, "Even though so many of them are dying without completing their change?"

"Nature decrees this," Flunky insisted. "Those who die are obviously the ones whose inferior chromosomes would have weakened the future gene pool. I therefore invoke the Primary Misdirection. Those who die are designated by karma to die." (He did not, of course, use the word "karma," but used an Arpkevorkite word of similar meaning.) "We must yield to the will of Mother Universe."

"But can't we GIVE THEM a choice? If we devise a medicine which can prevent the metamorphosis from even starting, natives would have an option. Those who prefer staying alive over sprouting wings would not be stopping the more confident ones from evolving. Haven't you always talked about freedom of choice?"

"There can be no choice contrary to the direction of the Life-Force! You will cease trying to interfere!"

To sum up what ensued: Archisko Picurk let himself be talked into removing Velda from the planet, and Flunky entered malicious adverse remarks in her service record. By his recommendation, all attempts to keep more Windarans alive were discontinued. The Captain also let himself be talked into applying the Primary Misdirection, so NO ONE from the Federation would try anymore to help the people of Planet Windaro.

Several decades later, independently from any actions by the Cosmic Federation, a team of Heart Sapphire Sisters visited Windaro. They discovered that the native population had shrunk disastrously. A majority of surviving Windarans had assumed the winged form...... BUT EVERY LAST ONE OF THESE WAS INCAPABLE OF PROCREATING OFFSPRING. Only a handful of natives who had been treated by Velda before she was curbed by her boss, plus a few hundred who had been children when the mutation wave began, remained able to reproduce. It was beyond the power of the Heart Sapphires to reverse mutations, nor could they find out what had caused the mutations in the first place.

What they could and did do for the Windarans-- with unanimous consent on the part of the natives-- was to give their females the ability to bear four or five healthy children at once, without these pregnancies being any more difficult than single-baby pregnancies. Then, to facilitate supporting those children, the Sisters caused this planet's food crops to be ten times as productive than before.

Not all interventions by the Heart Sapphires brought bad results. The Heart Sapphires ensured the survival of a whole sapient race, no thanks to Doctor Flunky. The two Federation Coordinators immediately preceding Vernacula Scurvylaff were aware of how the Windarans had been saved, but kept it very quiet.

What wasn't kept quiet for long was the fact that Flunky's own people on Arpkevork had inflicted the eugenics ideal ON THEMSELVES as well. That was why Arpkevork had a very small population.

Only after Velda Flake retired from service did she tell her brother Prodeg what had happened on Windaro. Prodeg eventually told his firstborn child Burgun Flake about it; and Burgun eventually told his son Lodge.

=== WE WILL RETURN TO "PRESENT TIME" FOR THIS PLOT ARC SOON.
 
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We now rejoin some of the characters largely based on animated and streaming Star Wars productions.

Habgun and his sister Wiltrava, pretty-much-humanoids who had been rescued from slavery on Planet Poxkrut, had attached themselves to my versions of Plo Koon, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Asajj Ventress. The siblings possessed enough technical skills to make themselves useful. The Kantpoolian government, embarrassed but grateful to be told what manner of business-creatures they had conducted commerce with, had provided these characters with a larger, more capable ship. This had been facilitated by a certain Overseer Fadusi Harbenk, the woman saddled with arranging reparations for the workers long abused on Poxkrut.

In the course of this business, all five characters had enjoyed a meeting with Poormee Armadillo, the widow of the gallant Acne-Skin, and her children Duke and Dana. The matriarchal Kantpoolian culture was a bit annoyed at Duke for NOT permitting his sister to knock him down and step on him at will; but since he always obeyed his mother, they tolerated his refusal to be properly weak and subservient toward females generally.

Then, Only-One Kanoli and Company got back to adventuring.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
On Planet Kummanokkin, the world with one-footed people resembling the Dufflepuds in "Voyage of the Dawn Treader," servants of the Empire of Evil Badness had rendezvoused to carry on a search. Popquizzitor Blastodon Kroof, armed with the Darkmachete, had met up with Shrinkdin Trush and his Fuss-talented preteen daughter Siskeli. Together, along with Shrinkdin's gunmen, they took off in quest of the Dimsaber, of which the Darkmachete was an imitation.

The ambitious Banjolorian tough chick Bulky Tanya was already on the trail of the Dimsaber, so Shrinkdin and Company were prepared to exploit any progress she and her sidekicks Morose, Lariat and Curdle made.
 
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Bulky Tanya's ship, the Tantrum, entered atmosphere over the planet Snorkul-Shodgun. With a bit more of its surface area covered by ocean than on any version of Earth, Snorkul-Shodgun was a dramatic change from Kummanokkin. "I'm going to take a bath for three hours!" exclaimed Tanya's follower Lariat, the only one of the three male Banjolorians having red hair. This resulted in Morose and Curdle anticipating four-hour and five-hour baths respectively.

A dozen or so fellow Banjolorians lived on Snorkul-Shodgun, where they made a living by hunting dangerous beasts. Putting out a general call for these co-planetaries, Bulky's first response received was from a woman named Toonic Sleave, with whom Tanya had trained in childhood. Tanya and her followers all recognized Toonic, and she them, because these Banjolorians belonged to the faction which DIDN'T require keeping helmets on whenever others might see you.

Toonic knew nothing about the whereabouts of the Dimsaber, but expressed interest in the quest. She had one piece of news to share which might be relevant: "Nine days ago, eight ships landed, one on each of our eight small continents. All of their crews were entirely non-human. They did some ordinary buying and selling; but in five of the eight instances, the visitors asked people if any non-resident Banjolorians had passed through lately."

Tanya raised an eyebrow. "Did they ANSWER the strangers?"

"Not in any degree which could cause harm to fellow Banjolorians. In each case, they either told only information which was already publicly available, or made something up to mislead the snoopy strangers. The Dimsaber was never mentioned on either side."

"So I take it that the Dimsaber ISN'T on this planet?" said Curdle.

"I'm reasonably certain that it isn't."
 
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On board the new Kantpoolian starship, all three Fuss masters were asleep. Habgun and Wiltrava had gotten a sufficient feel for ship's systems that they could stand a control watch under non-emergency conditions.

"So what do you think?" Wiltrava asked her brother. "Can Thuglyfe Skrawn keep the Empire of Evil Badness alive until a successor for Emperor Porkanbeen can be found?"

"I believe Grand Admiral Skrawn is hoping that some plotline-convenient super-being, I mean convenient for HIS side, will somehow MAKE Porkanbeen himself be alive again, thus making Master Acne-Skin's noble sacrifice only a sorry joke. Skrawn may further be hoping that a gigantic evil fleet of superior warships has been lying in wait for years, miraculously staying ready for instant action despite the absence of any fleet-support infrastructure, all waiting for their theatrical moment to pop up and threaten the universe, just because."

"That would be dreadful," said Wiltrava. "If that happened, I imagine the only way to save the Republic of Lots of Worlds would be for some heroes to ride horses along the exterior of one of the enemy ships while still inside atmosphere, and hope that the ship didn't simply tilt and drop them to their deaths."

"Right, that makes perfect sense."

* * * * * * * * * *
 
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Light-years away from where Tantrum was, Only-One and Massage had given their ship a new name: Honeymoon Suite. Plow Korn, long celibate as about half of all up-siders were, had no comment about the ship name. He was, however, so kind as to take longer piloting shifts. This allowed the newlyweds to have more private time when they were both awake and neither of them was at the controls; in addition, it gave the formerly-enslaved siblings more time to study all of the ship's technical manuals, increasing their mastery of astronautical procedures.

Plow Korn was alone at the console when Master Yoga-Rug telepathically called him.

"Plowboy! Are you right on the cusp of some battle to the death?"

"No, Master, just participating in the treasure hunt for the Dimsaber. All is quiet at present."

"Good. You can leave the saber-chase to Dim Jargon."

"The lone-wolf Banjolorian? But isn't he married now, and living on an Earth-variant after helping the good guys on Alwaysurnia?"

"Yes, he is. But his Chinese wife isn't in a family way just yet, and she herself has acquired a taste for adventure. I'm urging them to get in on the Dimsaber quest. I have other work for your lot: forging a closer connection between the story-reality directly based on Star Wars, and the story-reality filtered through Spaceballs."

"So is it back to the Directvideo System?" Plow referred to the location corresponding to "Druidia" in the Mel Brooks movie.

"Not at this time. Groan Starr and Princess Vixen are heading back to the Dune-based sub-reality, where Groaner's mother, sister, niece, nephew, brother-in-law and old copilot are all gathered now. There's a lot of work to be done there."
 
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Swimmer Pluto, the wisest and most beautiful of the anime-derived superwomen who frequented the Earth-variant with a non-Communist China, did Yoga-Rug a favor. Approaching Dim Jargon and his blind-but-capable wife Tien-Hai, Swimmer Pluto got confirmation that they were willing to undertake the Dimsaber adventure. Temporarily leaving them where they were, Pluto took a wormhole side-trip to a wilderness planet on the outskirts of the Star-Wars-and-Spaceballs reality. There, she dug up a McGuffin-ish relic which had originally been kept by a now-extinct Banjolorian clan.

Returning to Non-Communist Anime Earth, she found that the Ugandan superhero Black Giraffe had joined the hero-couple. His homeland was enjoying peace and safety at present, and Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous was back on this Earth again, so Giraffe was eager to get some further spacefaring experience under his belt. Helping to defend the He-Man-She-Ra-based sub-reality had been a glorious experience for him; "--and I'm not needed on Earth anytime soon. I say, Chieftainess Pluto, is that a spear you're carrying?"

"It is, friend Giraffe. It's called the Naskar Spear. It's made (shaft included) from a fantasy metal, comparable in value to vibranium in Marvel Comics. I have in mind to let Mrs. Jargon carry it most of the time, since she can't use guns, and her father trained her well in the use of pole weapons. Besides the Spear's usefulness in combat, its presence will serve a diplomatic purpose."

Dim Jargon and his African friend exchanged a look. Then Dim told Swimmer Pluto: "I've described Bulky Tanya to Giraffe, especially her prideful ambition." With a nod to Dim, Pluto addressed Giraffe once more.

"Miss Tanya, or Miss Bulky, whatever, wants to be the Queen of all Banjolorians. Possessing the Dimsaber would give her a powerful argument for being thus crowned. But she is aware that Dim Jargon has become famous, and she'll be instinctively jealous of his fame, even though he has no interest anymore in living elsewhere than on this Earth-variant."

Besides being physically as strong as an actual giraffe, the Ugandan hero's main attribute was that, when he extended his neck, this activated special sensory abilities. He sometimes lengthened his neck half-consciously when he simply was thinking. Now, as soon as his head was four feet above his shoulders, he declared: "Of course! If she sees that Dim and Tien-Hai together already possess the Naskar Spear, it will be easier for her to accept that they have no secret plan to steal the Dimsaber from her."

"Very good," replied Swimmer Pluto, giving a little toss of her long dark-green hair. "When everyone's ready, I'll transport the three of you to where Bulky Tanya can be found. Then I'll make sure SHE understands that, if she should treacherously try to steal the Spear from YOU, the entire fellowship of the Spacer Swimmers will be highly annoyed at her. And we can reach her no matter where she is."
 
On Jersey Earth, in the STATE of New Jersey, a cordon of state troopers-- who had the use of motor vehicles again, because repentant Sapphire Sisters had figured out how to synthesize usable gasoline inside the gas tanks of police vehicles-- were guarding a three-acre section of truck-farming land. Harvest season being past, and winter wheat not being grown in this neighborhood, Jasmine "She-Hunk" Waterford was doing no harm by digging deeply into the ground, right into limestone layers. Big Barndora from New Laziness was down there helping as she could, as was the powerful reptilian Green Flashlight Gramsuli.

This was the fourth day of excavation, after Highfyver's man Slightray had been permitted to pinpoint the burial place of the Anti-Strife Equation. More accurately, Slightray had been COMMANDED to perform the search. Trace Dickey's mental domination seemed able to work even on an immortal, at least if the immortal was unprepared to resist it.

She-Hunk's fiance Unfindable Man, the Heart Sapphires Nolarivu Pamizo-Stewmeat and Bess Dickey, Jedi-equivalent Trace Dickey, and Green Flashlights John Stewmeat and Zuha-Zuzob, were using their diverse energies to scoop loosened soil and rock out of the growing pit.

The moment arrived for Slightray to punch a hole at the bottom of the hole. "I know exactly what electromagnetic frequency to use," he told Trace and She-Hunk, "to penetrate just far enough, and not damage the recording medium." He created a miniature shaft, barely two inches in diameter. Wispy Mythical advanced toward it..... and sank INTO it, without widening the shaft.

"That still baffles me," Jasmine admitted, "how he fits into such a tiny space."

Barndora told her, "He manipulates space. For him, right now, that little shaft is like a broad stairwell. Don't tell him I told you; he enjoys baffling normies."

Less than three minutes later, Wispy emerged, holding something like a flash drive.
 
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It became painfully obvious to Slightray that Trace Dickey, She-Hunk, Barndora, and the three Green Flashights on the scene were closely surrounding him. And Wispy Mythical handed the data-storage artifact to his wife, not to the New Laziness demigod.

Trace's manner was the manner of the state-police commandant he was now. "Barndora, you've explained that the 'equation' stored in there is designed to prevent conflict and reconcile estrangements." Then he looked at Slightray again. "But if there were no complications, your king could have simply sent you here at the start, to approach our United Nations and say, 'Would you mind if I retrieve an artifact belonging to my world?' Odds are that if you simply went for the equation vessel at once, none of us could have prevented you from detecting it and recovering it, but asking permission would have bought you plenty of goodwill. Instead, your king ran things in a roundabout fashion. Having the Heart Sapphires offer a planetary welfare state is probably something Highfyver considers good in itself; but you Lazinessers played a double game, the disruption of our infrastructure misdirecting any cosmic rivals from your desire to pick up the equation also."

The veteran detective got in the super-alien's face now. "You will now tell me whatever hidden goal or agenda was behind this operation."

Slightray looked at the others, then back at his questioner. "I think I would answer you now even if you didn't have this mind-control power. The Anti-Strife Equation was not created by King Highfyver, nor by any of the small-g gods he is descended from.

"It was created by Twerpseid."

John Stewmeat's purple-skinned wife Nolarivu was the first onlooker to show surprise. "The cosmic WARMONGER invented something to make people peaceful?"

John turned toward her. "It makes sense, darling. Makes sense to anyone like me who knows political and military history." He looked at Slightray again. "Twerpseid would never turn friendly and accommodating himself. He would use this equation thingy to make OTHER people submissive and meek, so they wouldn't put up a fight."

Slightray nodded, after which Trace resumed speaking. "If Twerpseid had had this equation to use, he would have used it on the Earth-variant that She-Hunk and her crowd come from. The fact that he did have to fight it out, and that he failed in the end, proves that he had lost the use of the equation. Is that the doing of your king? Answer me!"

With a special reluctance, the space-wanderer gritted out the answer.

"As you already suspect, Commandant, Highfyver did not relinquish the Anti-Strife Equation voluntarily, any more than Twerpseid had voluntarily surrendered it to him. Taking it away from Twerpseid was my king's biggest victory. Highfyver began using the equation to make the more advanced junior worlds pacifistic to the level of cowardice. He fancied that even Twerpseid would become peaceful if he didn't 'feel threatened' by anyone.

"But there were other players in the game: the Janitors of the Universe who direct the Green Flashlights, and the Up-Side Fellowship of The Fuss, which includes Master Yoga-Rug who gave you your Fuss powers. Working together, they snatched all copies of the Anti-Strife Equation, and hid them on various planets like this one. They also made sure Twerpseid was aware that Highfyver no longer had the equation either. Then they warned Twerpseid that if he exploited Highfyver's cowardice to attack New Laziness directly, the entire combined power of the Flashlight Corps and the Up-Side Fellowship would intervene in support of Highfyver, possibly joined by the demi-goddesses called Spacer Swimmers."

"I didn't know that part!" exclaimed Green Flashlight Zuha-Zuzob (the starfish-like one).
 
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Without needing to say anything about it, Slightray could sense that Trace Dickey was releasing his mental grip.

"Commandant Dickey, I perceive that you are a man of strong will and profound self-discipline. It is because you long since mastered yourself that your gift from the Fuss adepts works so mightily in you. The Sapphire Sisters will continue toiling to repair the damage they did here; but humans like yourself will do just fine restoring your institutions. Barndora, Wispy: are you prepared to return to New Laziness with me, and place this copy of the Anti-Strife Equation in safe custody?"

"We are," Wispy Mythical replied, as Barndora began saying goodbyes.

The lumbering Gramsuli stuck her neck farther than usual out of her shell. "I am aware that this Earth-variant is already acquiring still more locally-born superheroes. The loaners from another Earth surely may return home now in clear conscience."

"Once we round up my sister," said Jimmy Strum, the brother of Woman Torch.

"For my part," Gramsuli went on, "I feel duty-bound to head for that other Earth which hosts counterparts of Marvel's Avengers. That air-headed boy Sawyer Boyd and his friends are probably getting themselves deeply mired in a bog."

"I wish you success," Bess Dickey told her. "Nolarivu and John will probably head that way soon to assist you."

Trace Dickey swept his gaze over everyone. "And for my part, I hope to see some of you visiting us in the future. This includes you, Lord Slightray; you've been a good sport."
 
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Zillions of miles away, in the Red China of Earth-Whichever, the satyr-legged War Witch called Sharbadil mustered all of her trainees.

"Sisters, we can expect action sooner than I ever thought. An immortal alien called Screendoormammu has communicated with our higher-ups, advising them that the capitalistic running-dog superheroes will soon be returning home. Therefore, time is running out to secure a territorial gain before we face greater opposition. Our conq-- I mean, our liberation of Nepal will commence in twenty-eight hours."
 
In the sub-universe based on the science fiction of Robert Heinlein, the Stellar Assembly on Federal Earth was deliberating how to monitor the surviving Creepycrawlids. The Psionic Bugs, who ruled the predatory swarms, appeared to be complying with the prerequisite for their not all being exterminated: that they must never space-warp weaponized asteroids or bug swarms to any more inhabitable worlds. Any violation would bring vengeance upon ALL Creepycrawlid settlements.

It was concluded that the Unified Services would organize compliance patrols. The few telepaths belonging to the Human Federation, excluding Earl Pufferton, would be assigned to the compliance patrols. This left quite a few ships and army units available for a type of mission which the Starship Grunts had long WISHED they could undertake: diplomatic outreach. Friendly contact with Hallpasscardians and other outsiders had assured the Stellar Assembly that it was possible to find friends out in the Big Empty. Since they knew that some strangers would be superior to Federal Earth in technology, the initial outreach cruise would be carried out by the most-advanced new ship Federation shipbuilders had yet managed.

Named the Marco Polo, because that man had existed on this Earth, the new starship would have Earl Pufferton on board, along with the scientist Vogg Stoob from Awkwardlisp-- and, of course, Juan and Lizzy Ricosuave, since Copperfox wants them included.

They would get the ball rolling by heading for one solar system which they already knew had human settlers originating in the Federal Earth civilization: the system containing Planet Freesoil. To remind you, the population of that colony world, whose leader was named Boone Crockett, now included not only ex-pirates who used to serve the Spacebullies, but also some characters copycatted from Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Barsoom" novels.
 
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Four days after the Marco Polo got underway, its coming was intuited by four psionically-gifted persons on Freesoil.

These were Slick "Dark Headgear" Mudpackis, formerly the enemy of Groan Starr Ashtrayides, now a convert to the up-side; his wife Krayzee Fireflaw Mudpackis, formerly an engineering officer on the since-destroyed Spacebullion mega-mothership which had once threatened Planet Directvideo; Lylah Doxxum Cardsharper, formerly a space pirate performing contracts for the evil Bob Snooze regime; and Lylah's husband, the only one of the four who had always been on the side of good. The swashbuckling John Cardsharper, whose body mass almost equaled the other three combined (none of this was flab), was especially good at getting along with non-humans. John was unable to levitate objects, nor could he generate a light saber from a Fuss ring; but besides having far greater muscular strength, he could pick out any person's particular thoughts far better than the other three could.

Colony leader Boone Crockett had designed and built a catamaran-hulled sailboat, but by bad luck he had been injured in a work accident just after completing it. He would need weeks to recuperate; and on their part of the planet, safe sailing weather for the year would end before he was fully recovered. So, calling for John Cardsharper, he had told the swordsman:

"Please sit there and concentrate on picking up my thoughts. Over the next hour or so, I will think about all my knowledge that relates to sailing: how to steer, how to trim the sails, how to recognize the signs of changing weather, and so on. Once you're sure you've grasped it, do your best to TRANSMIT this knowledge directly into the brains of Lylah, Slick and Krayzee. On local trial runs, they can work at applying their telekinesis to boat control....."

After doing all that Boone had asked, John took the three Fuss users with him to try sailing on a lake. No serious mishaps occurred; and when they felt confident enough, they set out on the nearest major river which would lead to the nearest ocean. John did almost all the steering, but the other three succeeded in using their Fuss powers to prevent being swamped with seawater in high waves.

All of this activity brought them up even with the four-day mark mentioned at the start of this post. At a moment when the two ladies were asleep, Slick told John:

"You've heard how, soon after my gang and I landed on Freesoil, a starship entered this star system, sent by the same human civilization Boone's people come from. When that ship's crew learned that the threat of the Creepcrawlids here was already defeated, they moved on to other worlds which needed their help. Well, right now, I'm sensing that another ship from the same Human Federation has entered this system. I believe there is a--"

"--TELEPATH ON BOARD," a strong mental voice finished for him. "I AM EARL PUFFERTON OF THE UNIFIED SERVICES. WE HAVE COME OUT TO RENEW CONTACT WITH YOUR COLONY AND OTHERS. I'M HAPPY TO SENSE IN YOUR MINDS THAT YOU ARE NOT CURRENTLY IN DANGER, AND _INTERESTED_ TO SENSE THAT YOUR COLONY HAS GROWN IN DIVERSITY."

A moment later, Pufferton added: "JOHN CARDSHARPER, I SENSE THAT, UNLIKE ANY OTHER HUMAN I'VE MET, YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO BLOCK ME OUT OF YOUR MIND AT WILL. THE FACT THAT YOU _AREN'T_ BLOCKING ME ATTESTS THAT YOU KNOW MY INTENTIONS ARE FRIENDLY. LET US DISCUSS A VISIT TO YOUR TOWN. IF YOU CONSENT, WE CAN TRANSPORT YOU AND YOUR WATER CRAFT BACK TO YOUR STARTING POINT....."
 
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