Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

We now rejoin Mopey-One Kanoli and Massage Breathless.

Local governments handled most of the governance on Planet Kummanokkin. But for occasions when the one-footed Kummanokkinites wanted to present a united front in dealings with off-worlders, they did have a planetary legislature of sorts. Its name rendered in English would be "the United Wastelands."

The current Executive Bigwig of the United Wastelands was a gray-haired female named Duppahooka. When she heard that Mopey-One and Massage wanted to meet with her, she instantly agreed, entirely on the basis of her esteem for Massage. She even looked a bit annoyed at the sight of Massage nestling close to Mopey-One as they entered her office.

"Public displays of affection, is it now, Massage? Are you going soft on us?"

"Rest assured, Bigwig Duppahooka," said Massage, "that my becoming TENDER doesn't mean I'm SOFT. The man I love is my equal in combat skill, a little stronger than I in muscular strength, and ENORMOUSLY SUPERIOR to me in wisdom, but he doesn't ask me to be weak. In fact, he is here to offer to JOIN me in an effort to render Kummanokkin safe enough that I may depart without abandoning your people to some dreaded peril. What would be the single biggest remaining menace to your people?"

Years ago, some spacefaring merchant had surveyed this planet from space, had a globe of its geography made, and presented this globe as a gift to the United Wastelands. Duppahooka now placed her hands on the great globe, turned it through about one-third of a rotation, and pointed to a mountainous area.

"Here is where the menace lurks. The narration will go away as I explain it to you, so that when Copperfox reports these events for Original Earthlings, they'll have to wait for you two to see the menace......"

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

As they headed back to Mopey-One's ship, Massage paused, bombarded her beloved with kisses, and said in an uncommonly girly tone of voice, "Darling, I am entirely willing to change my last name for you; but might I ask you to change your FIRST name for me?"

The Copperfoxian character of Mopey-One Kanoli had never looked more like the actor Ewan McGregor than he did at this moment. "That's something I never even thought about! But my sense of your mind says that you feel I should not appear to be MOPING when I have the privilege of being loved by you."

"Well, yes, that."

"Not a bad idea, now that you suggest it. But what would you like to call me instead?"

"How about if you go by the name of 'ONLY-One?' Because you ARE the only one for me."

"Mopey, Only, Mopey, Only, Mopey.... I agree, that does sound better. 'Only-One Kanoli' I shall become."

This brought an avalanche of kisses and hugs upon him.
 
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Vin Gasleen volunteered to serve in Massage's place guarding caravans for a month or so. As non-super-powered men went, he was extremely tough and resourceful, so he was gladly accepted for the job.

The two sweethearts had barely climbed back into their ship before Massage announced, "I want at least four children! Of course we'll accept whatever the Creator sends us, but I would LIKE Him to give us two or three each of boys and girls, in any birth order. I would want to name our first son Krash, after my original Fuss teacher, the virtuous and compassionate Krash Trainwreck, whose death was what embittered me-- What's the matter, darling? Please tell me you're not getting cold feet!"

He kissed her soundly. "Not at all, beloved. But your mention of Master Trainwreck, may his memory forever be honored, reminds me of my own sorrowful bereavements, including of course Master Quite-A-Guy Jim. I've told you about the only woman I ever loved before you, the Banjolorian duchess Sooptreen. You are the only woman whose love can heal me, HAS healed me, from that loss. Without you to take her place, a part of me was dried up and dead. Right up until I found you ON THE SIDE OF GOOD, the idea of MYSELF ever enjoying love and marriage and literal fatherhood never seemed even remotely possible. Far from having doubts about us getting together, I feel like it's too good to be real. As it was with Master Quite-A-Guy, so it has been with me: resigned to monkish celibacy, channeling what could have been my paternal virtues into teaching pattycake-awans.

"Now I sense that you sense that I sense you sensing my recollection of Poormee Armadillo, Acne-Skin's widow. Yes, that's right: because Order Pick-Up-Sticks was thwarted, and Porkanbeen failed at putting all the galaxy under his empire, and because Acne-Skin Spacewalker died a noble death and never fell to the down-side, Poormee can raise Duke and Dana openly--"

"--allowing you to be part of the lives of Acne-Skin's children." Massage suddenly sounded uneasy. "I suppose my thoughts betray me?"

"If so, tell the thoughts to relax. Poormee never felt anything remotely romantic toward me; even less did I ever feel any desire for her, nor would have even if Acne-Skin had not been in the picture. On her best day, she can't begin to stand comparison with you OR Sooptreen. Besides, I understand that Poormee ALWAYS had a preference for younger men. This may be connected with the Kantpoolian philosophy that men should be poets and leave the business of a planet to be run by women. If their system works, more power to the Queens of Kantpoo, but I wasn't made to be a poet. And even if Poormee did start to feel attracted to me now, AND if you had not joined the up-side, I will not be told by anyone that I need to be a vegan like her. So you have no competition. I not only am Only-One, but I am Yours Only."

With that, they took to the air, to go deal with the menace which Bigwig Duppahooka had described to them.
 
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The menace was not a giant monster, nor any kind of invading army. It was a cultural pestilence, which struck Only-One Kanoli as ironic in view of his having mentioned poets to Massage. In the Pessimistic Mountains, a sort of poetic performance art was becoming the dominant form of entertainment.

The name of this artistic style was hard to translate into any human language. But a reasonably faithful rendering would be "The Beautiful Clubbing of People on the Head." From the equivalent of internet videos which the Executive Bigwig had been able to provide, artistically-inclined one-footers were chanting verses which were like a cross between gangsta rap and the Beowulf saga. And where these berserk rappers performed, members of their audience usually began physically fighting each other.

The exploits of Massage Breathless were known to residents of the Pessimistic Mountains, but her adventures up to now had never led her INTO those mountains. Getting clearance from a regional air-traffic authority, they descended at the nearest landing field to a natural amphitheater where "Beautiful Clubbing" was often performed.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Duppahooka had advised the two up-siders that water was accepted as money everywhere on Kummanokkin. When they came to the amphitheater, they paid for admission with leakproof canisters of distilled water, which bought them seats near the front. Seven barbaric bards were on stage, and everyone among them who WASN'T chanting at a given moment was providing rhythm by stomping his big single foot. This is an approximation of what they chanted in succession.....

"I'll expertly eviscerate every idiotic enemy! No novice at knife-work will nick my nose!"

"My powerful punches put people to pleading! Fierce fighters will flee from a frown on my face!"

"Brash boasters, I'll battle you till you are bawling! I'll trip you and trample you twenty-two times!"

It wasn't long before two males in the very front row stood up, facing each other. Each grabbed the other one's upper arms, then they began crashing their foreheads together as hard as they could. No joke this; both of them seriously bruised their foreheads within the first eight seconds of their clash. And then two females behind Only-One and Massage began doing the same thing to each other.
 
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Your author has never seen any canonical Star Wars plotline that said Jedi could BLOCK SOUND and create a zone of silence. Therefore, my versions of Obi-Wan and Ventress are unable to do that. So, instead---

Only-One brought out his equivalent of a smart phone, and typed words on it for Massage to look at:

ALTHOUGH MANY ACCUSATIONS OF "TOXIC MASCULINITY" ARE MADE UP OUT OF NOTHING, BY WOMEN WHO JUST HATE MEN GENERALLY, THIS DOESN'T MEAN THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING. WE'RE SEEING IT RIGHT NOW. THIS CHANTING IS CAUSING KUMMANOKKINITES OF BOTH SEXES TO START FIGHTING, BUT THE INSTIGATORS ARE ALL MALE. IF YOU, AS A WOMAN, HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR STOPPING IT-- BESIDES CRUDE VIOLENCE AGAINST THE PERFORMERS, WHICH WOULDN'T PROVE ANYTHING-- I'LL BACK YOUR PLAY.

Massage hastily kissed him, then typed back: YES, I DO HAVE AN IDEA. PLEASE OPEN A SPACE ON THE STAGE BY FUSS-PUSH, SO I CAN GET UP THERE. AFTER THAT, CONCENTRATE ON PREVENTING PEOPLE IN THE CROWD FROM SERIOUSLY INJURING EACH OTHER.

Only-One kissed her, then made a "Go ahead" gesture-- after which, he used an expanding wedge of telekinetic power to shove the berserk rappers away to right and left. Massage executed a high Fuss-assisted leap, landed on center stage, and began a chant of her own-- in the native language, because she had learned it in her time protecting caravans.

"Cool it quickly, Kummanokkinite crazies! Pummeling your pals promotes no pure purpose! You know my name, and you know that I never // Do damage except in my definite duty!"

During this, Only-One pried apart two native women who were seriously trying to strangle each other to death.

Massage continued:

"I loyally love a lordly lad // Who hates the horror of heartless hacking! He mauls men only if morals mandate it, // And hastens to help and heal the hurting! We both will bolster brotherly bonding, // And strive to stop any stupid struggle! // Please pause the pushy, poisonous poems, // And consider the cost of constant clashing!"

Only-One levitated a one-footer man who had knocked down and was battering a smaller, weaker man. Detesting bullies as he did, the up-side master then Fuss-pulled the bully toward himself, and put his lights out with one blow of a hard fist.

After another half-minute of Massage's anti-violence rap, her efforts began yielding results. Natives began lowering their fists, letting go of each other's hair or necks, and in some cases even apologizing to those they had hurt. The seven onstage performers gathered around Massage, asking her to tell them all about the source of her life-affirming verses.

That was the day that a NEW trend in performing arts was born on this arid world. And Massage Breathless, soon to be Massage Kanoli, was even more delighted than before that she now belonged on the side of good.
 
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The natives of Planet Jinobrid (accent the second syllable) in the neighboring galaxy were not stupid.

Living on a cold-end-of-livable planet in a red-dwarf solar system, they had limited resources, which made it providential that they were centauroids (though having heads like bears) who could travel fast without vehicles. About half of Jinobrid was covered with ice, and more than half of the non-frozen half was ocean. Again providentially, their birth rate was naturally low: just enough colts born to insure against population decline from disaster.

Many weeks ago, the Green Flashlight Corps had come out to Jinobrid, initially led by a Universe Janitor named Yinzubra, bringing along volunteers from a Milky Way Galaxy world called Hoofmark. The mission was to teach the Jinobridons as much (non-military) modern science as they could assimilate and put to use. If anyone had nagged the visitors about the Star Trek non-interference rule, they would have reminded such a critic that the Star Trek programs and movies CONSTANTLY credited super-duper space aliens with creating whole civilizations on younger worlds. Ditto "Babylon Five."

Hoofmarkians were genetically identical to Jinobridons, except that Jinobridons had an extra finger on each hand. Intermarriage between them was easy, and began soon after Hoofmarkians first landed on Jinobrid. It remained to be seen which number of digits would prove dominant in their offspring. Technological innovations went well enough that eventually, all the assigned Green Flashlights except one could be diverted to other duties. The one Flashlight staying on Jinobrid was a young non-Earth human man called Parbellik Magta.

We pick up this plot arc with Parbellik still in the cool-temperate south-hemisphere nation of Bwimbab (south icecap), still interacting with a native centauroid mare named Slidliff, who is a supervisor at the first and only true hospital in that country.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Hoofmarkian stallion Prifnak, distinguished by his unusual pinto-horse coloring, was a mathematics teacher, which was why Parbellik had flown him over to Bwimbab the day before. Slidliff had expressed interest in modern methods of recordkeeping, so Prifnak was going to teach her how to draw statistical graphs. These, of course, would use the duodecimal number system of Jinobrid, but otherwise would be the same as graphs used by people with FIVE digits per hand.

Right now, Prifnak, Parbellik, Slidliff and several other Bwimbabbers were assembled to welcome new visitors, who had come by sailboat from the island nation of Dalnahee. Dalnahee was arguably the most progressive (in a good sense of "progressive") nation on Jinobrid, proactively rendering assistance to the off-world educational mission. The director of the Hoofmarkian teaching force, a mare named Thimlar, had fallen in love with and married a Jinobridon stallion named Grukkadoon, who was the mayor of the Dalnaheean city of Naheelosh.

After everybody had greeted everybody else, made small talk, and talked business, Thimlar drew Parbellk aside. "This time last year, back when some of us still believed in the World-Bowl concept as traditionally taught, I could never have imagined that someday visitors from other worlds would seem ROUTINE to me. But that's how it felt three days ago, when another alien dropped out of the sky and boarded our boat.

"By the look of her, she had to be a mare of your own race, or at the farthest, a race nearly as close to you as Grukkadoon is to me. She was able to communicate with us, and she knew what Green Flashlights are..... Parbellik, why do you look unhappy?"

"Because I know what comes next. She had a red gem on her forehead, didn't she?"

"So she did," put in Grukkadoon, "and she asked to meet YOU."

"WHAT, you mean she asked for me by NAME?"

"Not by name," said Thimlar; "but she described your appearance very accurately."

Parbellik sighed, but not with romantic expectation. "Did she tell her own name?"

"Something like Loo-Vah-Dah."

"Never heard of that one," the young Green Flashlight muttered. "Well, she can't possibly be MORE obnoxious than the first Sapphire Sister I ever met, the one on Planet Shashoople. That's a long story." Parbellik didn't relate the story of Planet Shashoople, but he did explain in broad strokes what the Heart Sapphires were. He had no doubt that his four-hoofed friends here in Bwimbab would learn more about them no later than an hour or two from now.
 
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Barring major interference, every Green Flashlight could always transmit a report to the Janitors of the Universe. While awaiting the inevitable arrival of a Heart Sapphire to lecture him that he should be living by and for emotions and only emotions, he concentrated on willing Lord Katmatao to know that a meddler had shown up.

Fortunately for Parbellik's request, the Janitors on Planet Wawa were keeping a deliberate watch on Planet Jinobrid. A mental reply came from Katmatao six minutes before the meddler showed herself in Bwimbab.

Yes, that is a Heart Sapphire approaching you. She is a native of Dahudor, in the galaxy that you are now in, one of the earliest worlds to contribute volunteers to the Sapphire Sisterhood. Gambisu Luvardra, whose family name comes first, is VERY human in form, function, biochemistry and emotions. To be blunt, she would have no difficulty at all making babies with you, and she is aware of this fact. Luvardra looks just like a Hawaiian woman on any Earth-variant, with very long glossy-black hair; but her skin below the waist is lightly mottled. If her legs are visible when she arrives, she will appear to be wearing patterned hosiery.

Although, as I say, the Dahudorans are firmly associated with the Heart Sapphires, historically most Sapphire Sisters from there have been much LESS fanatical and aggressive about imposing false guilt than the Sisterhood's norm. This, because they are comparatively honest, less likely to deceive themselves, and therefore more accurate than most Heart Sapphires when it comes to assessing someone's personality. As a result, prior to your instance, there have been eight marriages between Dahudoran Sapphire Sisters and male humanoid Flashlights, and every one of them was a success.

Yes, that's right, I said "YOUR instance," because Miss Gambisu has already evaluated your personality from afar, has perceived your goodness of heart, has noted that you are unattached and thus available, and has fallen desperately in love with you. Just like that. What is usually idiotic in stories of "love at first sight," is feasible when someone has SEEN YOUR TRUE SPIRIT. Giving due credit to Miss Gambisu, she values what is inside you far more than the outside. She has even resolved not to try to interfere with your mission. It helps that your present mission is already non-violent.

Accordingly, the Janitors of the Universe give you free discretion in your dealings with Miss Gambisu. If you find yourself inclined to accept the totally sincere love that she is about to express to you, this will produce a positive benefit: it will tend to mitigate the mutual resentments likely to arise from Sisterhood interference with John Stewmeat's Earth-variant. But it's your call, provided that you're NOT cruel to her if you feel you have to decline the offer. Now, heads up: here comes your potential bride!

"Who's that up there?" Grukkadoon exclaimed. Slidliff said less loudly, "She isn't wearing a Flashlight whatsit."

Descending directly in front of her object of yearning, Luvardra proved to be wearing pants. But her midriff was bare, and Parbellik thus could see the topmost edge of her spotted area of skin. If I decide to marry her, that minor strangeness won't bother me one bit.
 
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The raven-haired metaphorical goddess waited for five seconds, in case Parbellik wanted to speak first. Then she said:

"You know that I am a Heart Sapphire. You might not know that my homeworld is Dahudor, and that EVERY time a Dahudoran Sister has married a Green Flashlight man, it has invariably been true love to last a lifetime. This is because we Dahudorans-- our men as well as our women, though this does not affect you and me-- are more inclined to look into people's hearts, rather than simply demand that they agree with our views. My name is Luvardra; what is yours?"

"I am Parbellik Magta, a non-Earthian human, an autonomous Green Flashlight for the past four average years. I had a few low-intensity dating relationships before I entered the Corps, nothing since. I'm not against marriage, far from it; and I know directly from the Janitors that what you say about past marriages is true. But why are you, specifically, focusing your attention on me specifically?"

Luvardra smoothed her hair back behind her shoulders. "Nothing but honesty will do. I have a personal motive, AND a motive relating to the big picture. The very expression 'big picture' is uncharacteristic for an emotion-driven Sapphire Sister, I realize; but like you, I do have to think about the fellowship I belong to. My Sisterhood has turned more assertive, more PUSHY, than has been my experience before now. On one Earth-variant, even as we speak here, Joza-Varu-Paf and others are working so quickly on a takeover, that many natives have probably died of disease or famine as a direct result of the Sapphires disabling their industrial base. I know our work has created hardships on other worlds, but never THIS bad that I know of. I can't undo what happened on John Stewmeat's Earth; but if the Heart Sapphires are not to be discredited all across the known universe, there has to be SOMETHING they can point to that ISN'T about them doing harm instead of good.

"Which leads me to my personal motive. And the 'big picture' would not be helped by my faking something, so I beg you to believe that I would be approaching you in the same way even if there WEREN'T a moral crisis in the Sisterhood.

"I have never loved or been loved in my life heretofore, that is, not in a marital way. Oh, and in case you're wondering, the men of my world have spotted skin ABOVE the waist, but not on their faces. Joining the Sisterhood as an adolescent, I have trusted in my Sapphire intuition to locate a man who was worthy of my love, and for whom I could wholeheartedly strive to be worthy of HIS love. You are that man, Parbellik Magta. I could taste and feel the virtue in your spirit before I even set foot on this planet. I know your generoslty, courage, truthfulness, diligence, affability, patience and honor, as if I had known you all my life. I could not wish for any better life-partner than yourself.

"Don't say it, I realize that Flashlight powers don't lend themselves to THAT rapid an assessment of another person's inner merits. I don't expect you to return my feelings anytime today or tomorrow. But I know MY heart, and I already know that I will love you until I die, and AFTER death."

Parbellik drew and released a long breath. "That's, um, a lot to take in. But if it helps: my leaders not only told me that you were coming, they actually expressed cautious APPROVAL of the idea of me marrying you. They invoked the same big-picture issue you have described. So, I still need a chance to think, but frankly, I'm inclined to accept what you offer."

To Luvardra's credit, she didn't physically throw herself upon her beloved then and there. She did give him time to think. He needed two whole hours.

After two hours and six minutes, they were engaged, and looking for someone who could officiate a wedding.
 
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On the first morning that they woke up together as husband and wife, Parbellik was awakened by the sound, and the wetness, of Luvardra weeping on his chest. His first words to her were: "I love you, Loovy. I hope you're crying with happiness? If not, tell me more."

She gulped, kissed him, then replied: "I'm ashamed of my whole Sisterhood. After spending years promoting all emotion all the time, what we call the Emotional Scale, it's horribly ironic that I'm upset over our INTELLECTUAL dishonesty. Blick-- may I call you Blick?"

"You can call me Itten-Bitten-Widdle-Diddle, if that makes you feel more comfortable with me."

She almost laughed at that, then continued: "Blick will do. Blick, my forever love, my Sisterhood is FOUNDED ON a ridiculous lie."

"Maybe you're being too hard on yourself?"

"No. I mean it about dishonesty. Here's how it is. On those occasions when Sapphire leaders give ANY credit to you Flashlights, they claim that you and we represent a cosmic-balance dichotomy: we Sisters have all the love and compassion, while you have logic and ONLY logic. But you have shown me that a Green Flashlight is every bit as capable of tenderness and caring as any Sapphire sister ever was. Which means there ISN'T any 'balance.' Or if there is, you Flashlights contain the COMPLETE balance within yourselves, needing nothing from us. You are whole, and we are incomplete. You unite the different elements already, while we are defective and too stupid to realize it."

She resumed crying, so Parbellik made sure to demonstrate how tender and caring he really was.

When she felt better, he told her: "Frankly, I agree that, as an organization, the Sapphire Sisterhood offers nothing I need-- EXCEPT for the fact that if they didn't exist as an organization, I would never have met and loved you. And to be fair, you Sapphires ARE a lot better at healing than we are, though this doesn't justify the rejection of objective truth. Your heart-power enabled me to fast-forward the usual process of getting acquainted: allowed me to know IMMEDIATELY what a wonderful, astonishing woman you are. Absent that help, I would have needed months to be satisfied that what you presented to me WAS your true self. So no, the Sisterhood is not utterly without merit. Still, it does need to accept that truth is not 'hate.'

"And you know what? In addition to the love between you and me, there's no reason why you can't form friendships with female Flashlights, including non-humanoid ones. Like Zuha Zuzob, with whom I've worked on this planet. She is truly remarkable, one in a million."

Luvardra felt relieved enough that she could become playful. "Should I be jealous of Zuzob?"

"Only if you seriously think I would leave you in favor of a giant starfish, who is most comfortable at temperatures far below the freezing point of water."

His bride finally laughed outright. "In that case, I believe I can show more warmth to you than she can!"
 
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On the planetoid Hallpasscard, King Garryowen received reports from his magical birds Ignore-It and Forget-It. Naturally, they reported chiefly about the deeds of Thorpe, Sniff, Hoodunnit, Fratbro and Vastbulk; but they also told much about Federal Earth, and about the Empire of Evil Badness against which Thorpe and Company had fought.

Queen Sprigga reacted to the news by saying, "Our son is right to want those Human Federation people to gain higher technology. Especially in light of these Naughtygator characters, who could spring a surprise attack on anybody. In our own case, between Timekall's far-sight and your spy-birds, we have good odds of anticipating any attempted sneak attack."

The royal couple had been married for enough centuries that each could sense where the other was going with an idea. "I sense where you're going with this, my Queen. Our neighbors on Mediumgard AREN'T as prepared as we are to foresee sudden invasions."

"Then what do you recommend as a first step?" Sprigga asked.

"Send Ballwun to Mediumgard, to meet with human leaders. We already have informal contacts; we did warn them about the monster Flatnose. We should establish REGULAR channels for early warning: obviously with the Revengists, but also with conventional governments. Ballwun is charismatic enough that everyone will give him a hearing. Where do you think we should send him first?"

"Send him to China. Maybe he can give them a cultural nudge in the direction of NOT punishing dissent. Thorpe recently put a scare into them when he liberated, and brought out of China, all those political prisoners in that camp where a movie company was filming right outside. Ballwun can be the velvet glove after the iron fist."

Ballwun still had custody of the great hammer Oatmealnir; his being able to lift it at all proved his goodness. He was ready to use the rainbow bridge to jump to Mediumgard Earth, when Timekall bade him pause.

"I just received a peculiar communication from one of the Revengists, Plaque Panther. He spread a big sheet on the roof of his palace, with writing IN SWEDISH. King Panther knows I can see AROUND the curve of a planet, so I'm sure he was counting on me seeing his message....."
 
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Timekall spun up an Earth-type two-way radio, to ensure that he could reach the African superhero. Plaque Panther's royal wife took the call, and notified her husband that a Hallpasscardian was going to drop in.

When Ballwun materialized inside the palace, Plaque Panther greeted him: "Thank you for coming. I counted on local bypassers not knowing what my rooftop message said. I understand that you also have something to tell me."

"What I came to speak about is not time-urgent, so please, you speak first."

The King gestured for his visitor to take a seat, and also sat down. "As you will have heard, I enforce freedom of speech and religion in my kingdom. I will not change this policy, but I have every right to take account of WHAT RESULTS may ensue from some ideas which are proclaimed.

"Going as far back as when we opened our borders to outside visitors, no Christian missionaries have given us any cause to expel them. But I am taking note of the latest incoming couple, Americans, named Lance and Shelly Heflin. Still no cause to censor their message, much less arrest or deport them; but I wonder whether they even ARE Christians. All they ever talk about is the social concept of collectivism. They say often that anyone INDIVIDUALLY owning any business larger than a fruit-and-vegetable stand is 'practicing division instead of unity,' or even 'stealing from the people's collective.' I have read enough of the Bible to know that it portrays wealthy men like Boaz in a POSITIVE light, never saying that they were doing wrong by owning their own property."

"We certainly permit individual ownership of things in Hallpasscard," said Ballwun. "Of course, depending on how you define distinct families, there only ARE about twenty different families among us, which produces a sort of collectivism, but not in an intrusive, coercive way."

It actually didn't take long at all for the Hallpasscardian hero to outline for Plaque Panther the importance of increased real-time communication between their respective worlds, in case of any threat showing up as abruptly as could happen if someone like Naughtygator Zingdash were transporting the bad guys. This topic being covered, Ballwun decided he would look for a chance to converse with the Heflins.
 
The Heflins were enjoying a visit to a giraffe-and-zebra preserve when Ballwun found them. The two Americans, of course, were aware of the existence of Mediumgard; that planetoid's presence in the same solar system had created this Earth's primary divergence from Original Earth history. So meeting Ballwun was far less remarkable to them than it would be to humans on any OTHER Earth-variant.

"Mister Ballwun," said Shelley, "are your people familiar with the true God?"

"Of course we are," the superhuman warrior assured her. "With our living in the same star system as an Earth-variant, the Triune Creator would not have allowed us to be ignorant ourselves, lest we might unwittingly --or worse, intentionally --delude mortals into WORSHIPING US instead of worshiping Him." Suddenly Ballwun realized that he had given the impression of claiming that Hallpsasscardians were literally immortal, which they weren't. He was about to correct himself, saying that members of his race never lived longer than maybe four thousand years; but Shelley opened her mouth faster.

"You're missing the whole point, Mister Ballwun. It doesn't matter how many abstract Persons God is. What matters is that SHE represents what HUMANITY is meant to be, which is ONENESS!"

"Um.... do you realize that 'oneness' may have more than one meaning? Do you mean it in the monist-pantheist sense, where all separate identity is lost, and everything is everything else, all dissolved and undifferentiated?"

"Of course not," Shelly half-laughed. "Of course individuals keep their own identity, or how could we ENJOY the experience of perfect agreement and sharing? But Hindus and Buddhists, believing in various interpretations of non-individuality, still are closer to the truth of cosmic love than most of our fellow Americans. Americans believe in PRIVATE ownership of things-- even owning private VEHICLES, when mass transportation is so much more efficient. The whole concept of this-is-mine-and-that-is-yours INVITES rivalry, suspicion and conflict! There's no point in worshiping God if this worship DOESN'T unite all people as one! The true God is all about coming together; you know, 'Imagine no possessions'."

Ballwun took a deep breath, holding on to his patience. "Missus Heflin, do you realize that the Original Earth musician-- effectively an ATHEIST musician-- who composed that song, who told OTHER people to 'share all the world'.... was HIMSELF still privately wealthy?"

She shrugged. "None of us is perfect. John Lennon didn't always live up to the ideal, but the ideal remains. Oneness is the answer: sharing, agreement, collective living, all joined as one and loving equally!"

Ballwun saw no point in telling Shelly or her obviously silenced husband how it was that George Orwell (who had also existed on Mediumgard) came to coin the phrase "BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS."
 
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As if the multi-arc storyline for Planet Punksteema weren't intricate enough, strangers came into the far-northern kingdom of Mifdola from another quasi-Asian country racially and culturally related to Hukshem, Bavrid and Kikoro. Jeltua was west of Mifdola, and not unfriendly to the Mifdolans; but the Loi-Jeltua rarely did business with the Mifdolans, because hostile Sledge Nomads controlled the wilderness region between those two civilized nations.

The way some Loi-Jeltua reached Mifdola today was by THEIR country's first airship. "Airship" here means a lighter-than-air dirigible, not a mere balloon helplessly dependent on wind direction. When Mifdolan farmers first sighted the airship coming from the west, they recognized it as being of Loi-Jeltua origin: both because of the direction it came from, and because its envelope was marked with identifying words in the Loi-Jeltua language.

Because Punksteema's close-in moon forced winds near the equator ALWAYS to move west to east, areas far enough north or south of the Equatorial Ocean experienced prevailing winds going the opposite way. As soon as people in the Mifdolan capital became aware of the approaching dirigible, Jizbrol Tazaff and Donnie Tonka were especially intrigued about what form of propulsion might be enabling the Loi-Jeltua aviators to make headway toward the east.

Jizbrol Tazaff was first to detect the answer. The airship's roomy gondola had metal extensions at the front, rear, left and right. Tazaff observed that the starboard-side structure was holding what looked like an expended rocket. Pointing, he shouted to Donnie in commerce language: "Look! They use rockets to control movement!"

Donnie replied, "Their supply of rockets can't be limitless. Surely they still also use altitude changes where possible, to find a wind going close to the way they want."

"Impressive nonetheless. Let's try to be there when they touch down!" Tazaff used his best estimate of the ship's descent rate to anticipate where the visitors would land, instead of just standing directly under where it was at the moment.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The seer T'Pinnok Zur in Hukshem had foreseen that a man from Bavrid would help Felipe with communication. T'Pinnok's dream had not predicted HOW this Loi-Bavrid man would meet Felipe. Kring Dakamish, second in command (and de facto ship's engineer) of the airship Gogatai Canyon, had been among the builders of the Loi-Bavrid airship Vine Harvester. Since no new airships would be built in Bavrid any time this year or next, Kring had taken the gamble of moving his family to Jeltua.

A safe landing in Mifdola now justified his risks. Going back west would be much easier.

A Loi-Jeltua noblewoman called Setbari Timsad had financed the design and construction of the Gogatai Canyon, and had conscientiously learned enough of the mechanics involved so she could be the nominal captain without being disastrously clueless. Because she was not disastrously clueless, and because she was of noble birth, Setbari was the one to be interviewed by the young Queen of Mifdola-- leaving Kring Dakamish to be eagerly claimed by Tazaff and Donnie.

(THE FOLLOWING OVERRULES ANY CONTRARY STATEMENT I MAY HAVE MADE IN ANY EARLIER POST.) Donnie did know some of the Quelidard language (THAT'S THE PART IN QUESTION) --just not enough to discuss technical subjects to much purpose. But Kring was fluent in Quelidard, because assume he had somehow known some Quelidard persons in the past. So at last Jizbrol Tazaff had someone he could speak with FREELY about his design concepts, and who could tell Felipe what was being discussed. (Felipe and Kring did have at least one language in common, because I said so.)
 
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Ysidro Lopez, Felipe's loyal muy-macho cousin, was busy full-time, watching out for anyone who might intend harm to his wizard cousin because of the possible-murder investigation Felipe was conducting on the Queen Mother's behalf. But the widowed craftswoman Sazka got in on the discussion-- and, with Kring's consent, wrote down notes which could be shown to Felipe later.
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

The young Queen Sotavalit (accent the second syllable) knew that her mother Yiltim suspected foul play in the death of King Feckladast, but had no idea whom to suspect. One more person who had been let in on the Queen Mother's suspicion was a butler named Toldrab: highly enough placed in the domestic structure that he could come and go at will, yet humble enough in status that he might not be noticed by the possible culprit. Most of the magical study items for Felipe, such as pieces of many people's clothing, had been collected by Toldrab.

It wasn't going well so far. Guessing that NON-magical means of assassinating Feckladast would be relatively easy to detect, Felipe had elected to hunt for those indications first. But nothing had emerged.

Shortly after the Gogatai Canyon landed in the capital, Toldrab offered a suggestion to Felipe:

"The regicide, if there is any such person, would have known it was possible that a sorceror would look for clues to the crime. So he, she or they might have looked for the SIMPLEST possible method, leaving the fewest clues."

From this point, it became possible for Ysidro to take part in the search for clues. He and Toldrab eventually found something in prosaic household business records. A palace employee named Veslada, who normally had nothing to do with kitchen business, had made a large purchase of cooking oil some days before the King's death.

"I've never gone skiing," Ysidro told the butler. "If a skier were taking a hazardous turn, would it be possible to make the surface slippery enough to send him over the cliff?"

"Maybe. But if the snow was fresh powder, overlying previously-poured oil, I doubt whether it would have enough effect on the skier."

Ysidro nodded, thinking. "All right. What if an assassin created some kind of MIXTURE, say oil with a lot of white flour, and put it there in place of the natural snow?"

Toldrab shrugged. "That seems as likely as anything. Can Felipe cast a spell to learn more about this if he has your SPECIFIC guess to go by?"

"I believe he can."

Even before they could bring this up to Felipe, the serving woman Veslada fell terribly ill. Fortunately for her, and unfortunately for the murderer, Zoralee was knowledgeable about poisons, and kept with her a supply of antidotes. The lady detective saving the young woman's life was what finally brought her inside the investigation.
 
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Almost before Veslada regained consciousness, Queen Mother Yiltim was there, asking Zoralee, "Who are you?" (Just assume that somebody knows somebody's language, okay?)

"Your Grace, I am a private investigator, a TRUSTED friend of the wizard you hired."

"Ah, right, the one with the pet doomrat. Keep him away from any of our tundra bears, they might eat him. I thank you for keeping this witness, if not culprit, alive to be questioned."

When Veslada was fully alert, Zoralee told her, "The Queen Mother is here. I urge you to be truthful with her!"

Following up on this, Yiltim said, "Veslada, you have always given good service. If, by any cause or compulsion, you were made a party to the death of my honored husband, it will go far better for you if you tell all you know, than if you lie to me. Remember that I have a TRUTH-FINDING wizard in my service now. Depending on what, if anything, was your part in the murder, if you are honest now, I pledge my sacred word that the very WORST which may happen to you is being quietly banished, with no stain upon your name, and having the means to start your life over somewhere else. Now: did you play any role in causing King Feckladast's demise?"

Veslada swallowed hard. "Your Grace, you may remember that a guardsman named Thellark went missing from duty twenty days ago? Three days before the King's death, he told me-- not asked, told me with implied threats-- to provide him with a mixture of cooking oil and flour, which would look white at a casual glance. Once he had this, he never spoke to me again. The only other detail I know is that Thellark had been seen twice on Hazard Ridge before the day when he extorted service from me."

Felipe was called to the scene. Determining one point of truth was much easier than an open-ended who-or-what-and-why search, and he quickly confirmed that Veslada had spoken pure truth. The maidservant had not had any inkling that her contribution to the murder WAS contributing to a murder.

Yiltim gently touched the young woman's cheek, then looked at her daughter the Queen. "Sotavalit, will you accept my counsel that this girl should be fully pardoned?"

"Yes, Mother, I forthwith pardon her, on the condition that she speaks of this to no one who isn't already involved in the investigation, until everything is brought to light."

"Your Majesty," Zoralee daringly interjected, "I recommend one possible exception to Veslada keeping silent: if her talking to someone helps us to catch the true criminal."

Sotavalit smiled haughtily. "I am not entirely certain that YOU are part of any 'us.' But you did keep the witness alive, so I will not reckon you impudent, and I will keep your suggestion in mind. Now, Mister Catalano, I urge you to resume your divinations. I understand that we presented you a blank trail to begin with; but now that more is known, perhaps you can fish a murderer's name out of the pond of uncertainty."

A day and a half later, Felipe had a name to give the royal family: and the fact that he had never before even heard of Lord Prendok Fegsor argued for his magic having uncovered the culprit. If more were needed, it was determined that Prendok had fled the country within hours after hearing that a wizard was investigating King Feckladast's death. Felipe could at least tell a direction: Prendok had run southeast.

( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (
 
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The revelation that a popular king had been assassinated changed all priorities for the Mifdolan people, while redoubling their loyalty to Feckladast's heir. Lady Setbari Timsad of Jeltua was offered her weight in silver if she would lend her airship to the hunt for the traitors Lord Prendok Fegsor and Guardsman Thellark, plus five rare diamonds if Thellark were caught with her aid, and ten diamonds for Prendok.

Four crewmen of the Gogatai Canyon were to stay behind in the capital (maintained at the queen's expense), to make room aboard the dirigible for Jizbrol Tazaff, Donnie Tonka, Felipe Catalano and Zoralee Jeralo. The first two of those four could pull their weight crewing the airship. Before departure, Kring Dakamish spent hours interpreting between the new helpers and the three original crewmen still on the ship, to ensure that everybody knew who was qualified to do what. He also personally explained the use of the propulsive rockets (of which he had been able to get sixteen more made at the Mifdolan armory), and explained the airspeed indicator he had invented.

One of the royal "bear brothers," a rugged soldier named Hemrogo, volunteered for the ground-level pursuit. He worked with a female tundra bear, whom he called Daintycrunch. Hemrogo always left it to people's imagination why he called her this. Her latest cubs were grown up enough that they would be all right without her, since she knew that other bears and human friends would be near them. (Unlike the way of Original Earth bears, male tundra bears would never think of harming a cub or a sub-adult.)

"Daintycrunch, my furry darling, this man is Ysidro Lopez. He is a FRIEND, and he will travel with us. This doomrat is not like other doomrats; he NEVER attacks cubs. He is a TAME doomrat, called Billyboy: a friend. He can run fast enough to keep up with you if you go easy, and I'll want you to go easy. Both because we're looking for trail sign, and because where the ground is bad I may ask you to carry both Ysidro and me."

Although the undead plague affecting Tablanor, Felruda and Heskadug had not so far come anywhere near Mifdola, Ysidro made sure that he and Hemrogo both had pistols with silver bullets. They got underway while the rearranged airship crew still was provisioning and shaking down for flight. They would operate on the guess that one or both of the fugitives would make for a sort of lawless city-state to the southeast, called Vulture's Vomit Villa (again, assume that the place was named by people whose actual tongue allowed for a similar word-play). Riders on tundra bears were not unheard of in Vulture's Vomit Villa, so Daintycrunch would accompany the others right into town.
 
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ALWAYSURNIA LIBERATION ASSAULT MINUS FIFTEEN HOURS:

The three adult Spacer Swimmers gathered on Planet Hightone decided to deliver one more diversionary strike on Planet Anoxia. Given the speed with which Swimmer Pluto could carry them there, they made it just the three of them. And this time they raided the very capital of The Mob.

Swimmer Jupiter, the most muscular of the Spacer Swimmers though not thereby unattractive, demolished several dozen combat vehicles parked beside an armory. Swimmer Moon-- keeping her promise not to spend the whole time twirling and reciting incantations-- used her sparkly lunar energy to scramble all computers and electronic communications within a half-mile radius of where her feet touched the ground.

And Swimmer Pluto added insult to injury where Emperor Crowdhack was concerned. There was a special orchard nearby, growing what were called Disgusto-Fruits. These horrid-looking fruits would make most people sick in the stomach if eaten, but Crowdhack enjoyed them. So Swimmer Pluto reversed time among the Disgusto-Trees. The toxic fruits, within days of being ready to pick, reverted into Disgusto-Flowers, which even Crowdhack wouldn't eat.

Once the trio returned to Hightone and confirmed that no hostiles were following them, Sorcery Lass cast a spell on Actual Teerifica, to enable the heroine to locate False Teerifica wherever she was. Everybody else got a good night's sleep.

Meanwhile, far far away, the bony-faced Skamartistor decided to relocate back to Alwaysurnia. Despite good guys having raided Gagspoon, the arch-villain understood that the forces of good were no longer fooled by False Teerifica, and would be looking to liberate Alwaysurnia.
 
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ALWAYSURNIA ZERO HOUR!

On Planet Hightone, Green Flashlight Tiptikditpip had made good on his promise to excavate shelters and fighting positions for the four-armed Hightoners, whose total numbers on the planet were low enough that all who didn't have good existing refuges would find space within the ant-like hero's earthworks. Yes, Tiptikditpip was LIKE an ant, he was not strictly an ant. If he had been strictly an ant, as a male, he would have been useless for any real work.

Meanwhile, the rightful King and Queen of Alwaysurnia, the parents of Mighty Male and She-Wow, were being kept safe by the good wizard Hector von Bootblack.

Barely in time to act upon the realization, Sorcery Lass had a well-duh moment. Since Weapons-Man's spaceship was not being used in the liberation plan, it ought to become part of Hightone's defense. Accordingly, Sorcery Lass cast an enchantment on five of the Hightoners, giving them all the knowledge they needed to operate the Alwaysurnian ship, for combat or any other purpose. Mugwumpa caused the ship to be camouflaged under foliage, near the center of the fortified area. She and Tiptikditpip then took standby stations on opposite sides of this area.... and wished success to those who were setting forth.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Two combat teams would aim for the vital Castle Greyhair. Sorcery Lass would transport Bahavish Ogoshi, Combatalot and Anteater Woman. Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous would carry Actual Teerifica, and the new recruit Carmen "Liquid Snake" Serpentiago. The Dash-Moon family, with Masked Biker, and initially expecting Swimmer Jupiter to be with them, would search to see if they could spot any hostile troop concentrations which ought to be broken up.

Another last-minute adjustment occurred when the child Swimmer Chipmunkyusa insisted she could reinforce her mother well enough carrying Dash and Biker, that Swimmer Jupiter could contribute elsewhere if that seemed best. So Swimmer Jupiter made a more outside-the-box suggestion than anyone expected of her: "Pluto, if you'd lend me a time-warp, I can go back TO ANOXIA and try to get SHE-WOW to join us for this."

Everyone looked at Mighty Male, who said, "If Advila just can't get away from fighting The Mob, she'll say so honestly. Pluto, if you can do it and make Jupiter return at the same instant she left--?"

Pluto could.... and Swimmer Jupiter came back not only with She-Wow, but also with Surfenbirda. She-Wow ran to hug her brother, which Teerifica had no problem with. When Surfenbirda then hugged AND kissed Prince Andy, although he didn't kiss her back, Teerifica did let a trace of irritation show. But her annoyance was reduced when Swimmer Pluto said:

"Surfenbirda has volunteered for a SOLO scouting mission. Before we even take off, Sorcery Lass will specially teleport Surfenbirda to the Dismal Sea. I'm told that Skamartistor used to maintain a major stronghold on the shores of that sea. She'll search for signs of Skamartistor having returned there from Planet Gagspoon."

Terrifica then summoned up enough good manners to thank Surfenbirda for volunteering to help, while declining to acknowledge the tailless merwoman's obvious motivation.

Mighty Male said to Swimmer Jupiter, "You can still be conservative about your passenger-carrying. As you carry Battery-Cat and me, Swimmer Pluto will fly close with her own riders, reinforcing you if needed, until you set Cat and me down beside the Countermelody Sea. Then, unless we land right in the middle of a large hostile force and require your immediate support, you'll accompany Pluto as she takes Princess Advila, Weapons-Man and Black Giraffe to the shores of the Sea of Rawfish. Then, again unless needed at once, I'll ask you and Pluto to visit the town of Spectrum Springs; Sorcery Lass can imprint its location on your minds. There are plenty of good, loyal people there, and THEY might need your help.

"Now, may Actual God and the narrator be with us !"
 
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= = = = = = = = = =

Skamartistor had indeed reoccupied his fortress overlooking the Dismal Sea; and since the readers have probably forgotten by now, he was waiting for the evil immortal Soreheadmort to deliver on a promise. Not that an evil immortal could be expected to have a conscience about keeping promises, but this promise was one that Soreheadmort would enjoy keeping. The One Who Disliked Being Named Because His Name Sounded Silly had promised to assist the Naughtygator Cosmodart in rounding up some alien barbarian types who could be made to obey Skamartistor-- AND who would be free from the children's-cartoon inhibition against mass murder. With their aid, the bony-faced tyrant counted on being able to kill Crowdhack and rule Anoxia in addition to Alwaysurnia.

But Skamartistor, in his perennial overconfidence, had not thought to look, magically or in ordinary ways, for any foes lurking UNDER that sea. Surfenbirda allowed herself a series of short, cautious peeks above the surface, enough to be sure that enemy troops in at least battalion strength were present. Then, trusting in Swimmer Pluto or Sorcery Lass to retrieve her eventually, she swam several miles farther away, before coming ashore in a tree-masked location and starting to look for anyone who looked like good guys.

Inside the fortress, the wicked witch Ickylynn told her master, "I believe someone GOOD is out there swimming in the sea."

"No doubt hundreds of good people are swimming today," replied the skull-faced villain. "Existing as we do in such a juvenile sub-reality, we simply can't exterminate ALL the good people, even with uninhibited slayers. The most we can hope for is to kill ENOUGH good guys to keep the rest subjugated. But for THAT much, I like our odds, now that we have the Naughtygators and Lazytaxies on our side."

= = = = = = = = = = =

Wading upstream along a creek which ran to the Dismal Sea (but the creek itself was cheerful enough), Surfenbirda beheld a short humanoid form, wearing a pointed hat and scarf which, together, allowed little idea of the face. Remembering times when She-Wow had spoken about her few visits to Alwaysurnia, the mer-lady ventured a reasonable guess:

"Aren't you Mighty Male's friend Storko?"

"Yes, I am," replied a male voice, albeit high-pitched for a male. "I've been in hiding ever since Skamartistor pretended to have been defeated, only to put a shape-changer disguised as Lady Teerifica in effective control of our planet. Are you that friend of She-Wow that wished she could marry Mighty Male?"

"Make that present tense: I still DO wish he would marry me. I may be fooling myself, but I don't believe Teerifica loves him at all."

"I can't answer that for you. Mighty Male has never told me whether he feels anything for Teerifica. But my own magic-- on one occasion when it worked right-- has told me something about YOU."

Surfenbirda raised her eyebrows. "What would that be?"

"There was another man once, who also mattered greatly to you, whom you knew during all your childhood and adolescence. He had a name similar to the name of your favorite frenemy, because he was her first cousin on his father's side. At the same time, on his mother's side, he was your SECOND cous--"

"TUNAKASSROL!!" the mer-lady blurted out.

Storko seemed to wince. "Now you've done it! Someone may have heard you! Come on, hurry, let's get out of here!"
 
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At this very moment, by suspense-producing plotline contrivance, Cosmodart's jump-ship materialized and assumed a stationary orbit above the Sea of Rawfish. He contacted Skamartistor, explaining that the Rawfish coastline had far better level space for landing the troops. Accordingly, Skamartistor and Ickylinn took sky-bikes (much like what the Pukedemons had ridden in their invasions of Urth and Earth-Whichever) and flew to meet the evil reinforcements, forgetting all about investigating the loud cry which had been heard near the Dismal Sea.

Swimmer Pluto had herself landed near the Sea of Rawfish mere minutes before the enemy landing shuttles began descending. With her were She-Wow, Weapons-Man and Black Giraffe. From a place of concealment, they saw the descent beginning.

"Well, I'm not ALL-knowing," sighed Pluto. "I think we need to divert the team going to the Countermelody Sea, bring them here. Dustbin--" (addressing Weapons-Man by his given name, which he understandably preferred not to use) "--please lend Giraffe your backup sword. Giraffe, all of you, this will not be a cartoon fight. The warriors now arriving are subject to Skamartistor's control and will not turn against him; but US, they will actually KILL if they can. And anyone who knows the original languages of the Bible knows that the Commandment wrongly translated as 'Thou shalt not kill,' actually said in Hebrew, 'Thou shalt not MURDER.' It will not be murder if you kill some of those off-worlders who themselves have no qualms against violence. But don't start fighting before I get back with help, if you can avoid it."

That last advice proved needless, as less than one full minute elapsed before Swimmer Pluto returned. She brought with her not only Swimmer Jupiter, Mighty Male and Battery-Cat, but also Storko and Surfenbirda, the latter still trying to get facts about her not-so-terribly-consanguineous cousin. Pluto had made all of these aware that it would be both morally permissible, AND grimly necessary, to SLAY at least some of the new adversaries-- who, for the reader's information, resembled the pig-like guards in "Return of the Jedi."

Weapons-Man, having already given his sword to Giraffe, now gave a spare laser gun to Surfenbirda. "I know that you're not used to serious fighting on land," he whispered to her; "but you can help us from your own element. This gun is waterproof. I want you to sneak over to a spot of shoreline where you can get into the water unnoticed; swim to someplace where you can surface with an open line of fire; surface, and shoot some of their soldiers from there. If you simply CAN'T bring yourself to kill anyone, shooting their kneecaps will be just as good for diversion purposes. Then dive again, fast, before they can react. Even if that's all you do in this fight, you will have helped us."

Surfenbirda squeezed Mighty Male's shoulder before she set forth on her assignment; even the sudden hope of being reunited with the great love of her youth didn't instantly erase ALL of her sentiment for Prince Andy. Be that as it might, Surfenbirda did her part perfectly, disabling four enemy warriors, and getting the others to look in her direction--

--while Swimmer Pluto, the task made easy by only having to cross a short distance, micro-teleported herself and all the rest of the goodness force right up close to the enemy. She-Wow had beheaded an enemy soldier, Mighty Male had beheaded two at one stroke, Black Giraffe had stabbed one through the heart, and Swimmer Jupiter had smashed an enemy laser cannon, before any of the bad guys realized their peril.

Up in orbit, Cosmodart, with his Jalapeno power of searching the future, COULD HAVE anticipated this threat to his allies; but he was too smugly confident that nothing could go wrong, so he HADN'T checked any probable futures.
 
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Sorcery Lass, Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous, Actual Teerifica, and Liquid Snake arrived inside the main courtyard of Castle Greyhair. False Teerifica was on the parade field outside, putting corrupted local soldiers through drills. Before any hostiles had time to react, Sorcery Lass had time to sense that her thing-sort-of-like-a-sarcophagus which kept her young was missing. This was not any immediate cause for alarm, since her youth had already been restored by Hector von Bootblack, or whatever way I may have said it was. But her magical intuition told her that she was about to be needed against MAJOR magical opposition.

From the castle's interior poured forth some of Skamartistor's cannon fodder: big furry brutes known as the Furrybrutes. All carried spiked clubs; and the magnificent sevensome knew this was a REAL fight. At the same time, hundreds of really big wasps, called the Reallybigwasps, appeared overhead. Lucy Luminous, whose Flashlight energy could fill a wide volume of space, was the natural one to cope with this menace, so she took to the air, killing dozens of wasps at each sweep of her broad beam, preventing her friends from getting stung. Bahavish with his curved talwar sword, Combatalot with steel-gauntleted fists, and Anteater Woman using the POINTS of her claws, took on the Furrybrutes.

Sorcery Lass flew up to the roof, to await her unseen opponent. Actual Teerifica and Liquid Snake hurried outside to handle False Teerifica and the deceived Alwaysurnian soldiers. Because these men and women were not evil, only deceived, NOT killing them still applied.

Hurrying to be the first one heard, Actual Teerifica shouted, "Alwaysurnians! You've been tricked! Skamartistor WASN'T defeated, he only hid himself, so that a shape-changer POSING as me could get control of you! That abrasive bully isn't me! I'm the genuine, likeable, friendly Teerifica!"

False Teerifica now committed the stupidest blunder she could possibly have made. She said NAUGHTY WORDS-- which no good person on this planet or on Anoxia would EVER say. This resulted in a rapid sheep-from-goats parting: Alwaysurnians who had really turned bad in their hearts rallied around False Teerifica, while those who were innocent victims of deception instantly gathered with Actual Teerifica.

Seeing this, and because her expected foe still had not shown up, Sorcery Lass tossed out a hurried spell to help her side in what was coming. All soldiers who preferred False Teerifica despite now knowing her to be false, now had the word "EVIL" plastered all over their uniforms, while the faithful ones now displayed the word "GOOD." Then False Teerifica and her treasonous followers yelled and came to grips with Actual Teerifica, Liquid Snake and the loyal Alwaysurnians.

Liquid Snake used her fluid form to make evil soldiers' feet slip. This much help was enough to give the good soldiers an early advantage in what was reverting into a cartoon battle, mostly wrestling around and rolling on the ground. Actual Teerifica could tell that False Teerifica was not entirely immune to the cartooniverse influence, meaning that it might be possible to win this duel without killing the villainess; but Actual Teerifica was not about to let herself be slain for the sake of children's-television scruples if her enemy went for blood.

Still, the start of their combat raised the good girl's hopes of not needing to kill the impostor. False Teerifica's first sword-swing was unmistakably aimed not at Actual Teerifica, but at Actual Teerifica's SWORD. Thus they fell into a metronome-like rhythm of sword-clangs, though the good girl stayed alert in case her foe suddenly switched to REALLY attacking.

Clang clang clang clang clang clang clang clang......
 
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