Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

The ship's company of the dreadnought had welcomed a new specialist: Haxxadoff, one of the many Spaced-Out Guild members who had willingly sworn allegiance to House Ashtrayides. Importantly, Haxxadoff had gained proficiency at operating the Spacebullion retroactive temporal scanner. When the great ship settled into a parking orbit, colonial chief executive Boone Crockett was ferried up from the planetary capital. I remind my readers that the "past-oscope" can only reveal past events if someone involved in using it has a personal interest in the information to be uncovered.

Joining Haxadoff and Rajah Ramrocket on the dreadnought's bridge, Boone was walked through the surprisingly simple activation process. He certainly had a vested interest in conditions on the planet whose elected leader he was.

The background history of "Choking Valley" was played back. One of the most important points was the disclosure that the Glukks possessed a weapon type derived from the slicing beams of Shadow vessels in the Babylon Five TV series. "Those weapons," Rajah explained to Boone as they watched, "would open many starship types like a ration can. The deflectors mounted on ships of the Republic of Lots of Worlds -- and on our new dreadnought-- would fend off Glukk shots at least for a while; the energy shield of a Green Flashlight or a Heart Sapphire would do the same. But no warships known to me can GET INSIDE Bazookadar; and the few artifact-powered superheroes currently on the scene might not be enough to protect a strike force moving into the evil fog."

Perry Kushun was within hearing, and interjected: "Anti-matter weapons might open a passage big enough to let in-atmosphere combat craft into Bazookadar, but I will resist any order to do that. Thousands of living creatures would be sure to die at the location of a breakthrough. I once was nearly a party to genocide on a planetary scale; the Creator will never forgive me if, being pardoned once, I accept any such plan again."

The colony leader clapped the signalman on the shoulder, then faced Haxxadoff. "Does the spearhead for a landing in Choking Valley have to be a warship? I'm not from the Dune-derived Galactic Empire, but I know that Naughtygator jump-ships are the next best thing to absolutely indestructible. And isn't the open atmosphere inside Bazookadar spacious enough that a jump-ship could materialize in there?"

"Yes, with caution, it could be done." Looking at Perry: "And a displacement wave would occur, preventing any nearby birds from dying by molecule-merging with the ship. Our jump-ships mount no weapons, but it might be enough if one delivers the invasion force within striking distance. I remain in touch with Alec Hurdygurdy on Greedy Crime; he could furnish a landing force of Ashtrayides and Srirachian ground troops to bring the fight to the enemy."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Keldasura the "tame" Wingdinger, and the characters last reported as being with her, maintained surveillance near the border of the Glukks' enclave while the invasion force was being equipped and brought to Freesoil. Alec Hurdygurdy was not needed to remain all the time on the now-cleansed former Snarkonnen base-planet; so he cheerfully assumed command of the liberation force being assigned to Freesoil. None of these troops carried the Dune-concept personal energy shields; using those when the enemy was firing beam weapons would be suicidal. But body armor and bullet-guns manufactured on Federal Earth for the Starship Grunts were available.

Tiptikditpip, meanwhile, contacted the Janitors of the Universe, requesting additional Flashlights to provide shielding which would not explode when hit by energy weapons. The first available hero proved to be the most suitable one they could have asked for: Twishdok, the one who looked like a Velociraptor. Twishdok had been among the defenders of Earth-Whichever when Trippenwonk's forces invaded; later, he had gone to the Zaire-Congo of that Earth, to stop Marxist gangsters from duplicating Awkwardlispian rayguns. When the Janitors precipitated Twishdok's coming to Freesoil, all of the Freesoilers understood at once that, if this were called for, he could blend right into the scenery in a neo-prehistoric environment.

Shortly before Haxxadoff was expected to enter the star system aboard a Spaced-Out Guild jump-ship, two more energy- wielders arrived to join the action. One was a female insectoid who had been one of the Flashlights on Jersey Earth when the Flashlight Corps was laboring to undo the unintentional harm done there by Heart Sapphires. Wagdorda was around the same size as Tiptikditpip, but of a different species. The other, the essentially human Yee-Mo-Mee-Baji, was one of the Heart Sapphires who had acquired some belated good sense on Jersey Earth. She was the physical type of woman who could look very good with a moderately full-figured body.

A tentative ground-combat plan proposed that Bill Redvest, Twishdok, Tiptikditpip, Yee-Mo-Mee-Naji and Wagdorda would form a front line, their combined Flashlight/Sapphire energy shielding the infantry (including jetpack users) against the expected Shadything- type slicer beams. Lylah and Exmaknor with their Fuss powers, and John Cardsharper with his analogous telepathic talent, hoped to sense where individual Glukks actually were, despite the evil aliens' distortion camouflage. Versaderma would assume some suitable animal shape, to fight beside the Ashtrayides troops (and Boone Crockett, who felt an obligation to be in on the fight).

On the day of the offensive, when the good-aligned beings came within three miles of the boundary of the land held by the Glukks the two Jedi-equivalents found that they could not localize the faint mind-traces of the enemy. John Cardsharper, however, was able to determine where the nearest Glukks were, that there were about thirty of them at the location he had sensed..... and that these Glukks were stationed at, or near to, a heavy weapons emplacement.

There was no optimism about results of a parley. The heroes knew that the Glukks were too dishonorable to keep their word on any kind of truce.
Nonetheless, there were proprieties entailed in being on the side of good.

John and Lylah Cardsharper did a mind-meld, the better to transmit a call for surrender to the horribly wicked aliens. When the energy- shields of Twishdok and Yee-Mo-Mee-Nai were shaken by a beam-cannon barrage, the good guys could be satisfied that they had done what they could to be peaceful. Now Tiptikditpip transmitted the call for Haxxadoff's jump-ship to enter Bazookadar.
 
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"Forty seconds to jump!" Haxxadoff notified Alec Hurdygurdy.

Sixteen slicer- beams flailed vainly at the impenetrable hull of the hyper-hopping transport. Twenty Srirachian warriors and thirty-one Ashtrayides soldiers (counting Alec) were standing by. The strike force had borrowed a trick from the Starship Grunts: seventy decoy mannequins with programmed jetpacks went out the mouth of the Naughtygator transport, mingling with the flesh- and-blood warriors And for as much of the descent phase as possible, real and simulated soldiers had the Guild ship hovering between them and the ground. In the brief interval when they were in the Glukks' line of fire, only two of the descending fighters were killed, one each of men from Srirachiss and Waterpark.

Before the airborne element landed, the warriors on ground level cut loose with rocket launchers, bows-- and in Boone Crockett's case, a very high-powered hunting rifle which had brought down a few Creepycrawlids back in the day. Also a rifle in John Cardsharper's case. The blurring effect produced by Glukks made it impossible to see directly which projectiles hit something; but Lylah and Exmaknor could feel through the Fuss that at least half a dozen Glukks had been slain and others incapacitated.

The Green Flashlights and the one Sapphire Sister were holding well against the Glukk weapons-- until one slicer-beam crew flanked them. A single shot instantly slew Boone Crockett, Tiptikditpip, and three of the Ashtrayides soldiers, also severing Bill Redvest's legs below the knees. The evil aliens would have claimed still more lives, if not for Keldasura. The good-aligned Wingdinger dived onto the three gunners, killed them with her beak, then dragged their weapon toward Alec Hurdygurdy. Alec knew enough about modern weapons that he was immediately certain he could operate it. Beckoning one soldier to him, the Ashtrayides general moved the energy-artillery piece into the gap left by the ant-shaped Green Flashlight's death. Exmaknor's Fuss power was closing the blood vessels in Bill's amputated calves, as gunmen on their side kept up the attack against the Glukks.

Twishdok went full-power now, generating something like a hundred-meter-long broom. He didn't have to see every Glukk individually, to knock many of them off their feet. Seeing that her husband's injuries were being treated, Versaderma turned into an oversized cheetah, dashed headlong into the enemy ranks, and ripped open what seemed to be the throats of half a dozen Glukks who had been tipped over by Twishdok's energy-broom.

The still-standing Srirachians furiously charged into the gap which Twishdok and Versaderma had opened. Haxxadoff shifted his hovering jump-ship toward the enemy rear, then set it down. Just like that, the Glukks found an unbreakable barrier BEHIND them, cutting off retreat. Boxed in, the horrid monsters now had less benefit from their semi- invisibility. Green Flashlight Wagdorda flew past the scene of butchery, to capture some of the rear-area Glukks alive. A request was sent to Planet Toofah-Roff, to send some strong Fuss-users who could mentally dominate the prisoners.

Perry Kushun, Denzel Powder and some of the other tech-savvy good guys, would now have plenty of alien hardware to study.

In days following, Tarp Kanvas was elected as the successor to Boone Crockett. "Tamed" Lazytaxie scientists from Planet Waterpark were summoned to regrow Bill Redvest's legs. In weeks following, Keldasura would find a mate among Wingdingers who had made peace with humanity. Their eventual son would be named Tiptikditpip.
 
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BE PATIENT WITH EXTENSIVE CATCH-UP EXPOSITION ON PUNKSTEEMA.

In the kingdom of Jeltua, the closest ally of Mifdola. a new airship had been built. Named Cloud Wagon, it was smaller and simpler than Queen's Favor, but was efficient. The Loi-Jeltua government was interested in expanding the friendly contacts they and the Mifdolans had built with nations beyond the north pole. Not duplicating the itinerary of Kring Dakamish and company, Captain Veskamet Jolut was bound for Upper and Lower Wenzeppu.

It was known that Diego Smith, youngest of Sir Ronald's recent apprentices, was back home now in Lower Wenzeppu, employed seriously as a tinsmith. Be it known that Wenzeppuans (Lower OR Upper) don't speak English; but the young Towerman's name IS phonetically "Diego Smith" because creative license. Be it also remembered how Ronald of Goliad always maintained that gunslinger- knights should learn skills apart from combat methods. Only a few people close to Diego knew that he had acquired the nickname "Skull Driller" in Samplibam, after slaying the murderer Prendok Fegsor in a fair duel.

Besides generic airmen and armed guards, Veskamet was accompanied by Vicar Tegmorsh son of Tegloth, Mifdola's only full-time Christian cleric. Tegmorsh was by now married to Mellow Druidess Ranwyn Brightpetal. Copperfox reminds you that the Mellow Druids, though technically not Christian clergy, did in fact acknowledge the actual Biblical God. Prince-Consort Felipe of Mifdola had officiated at Tegmorsh and Ranwyn's wedding.

One more distinct character along for the ride was the Reslagorian laborer Jarsken Bowdrie, the man who had had a friendly fistfight with Sir Ronald. Enough time had passed since then, that Jarsken and Ronald had recovered from the injuries which they had inflicted on each other without hatred. Also, the elapsed time had seen the Captains of Skilled Labor getting well established in multiple nations including Hukshem and Bamulica. Jarsken, being now a "Captain" himself, was interested in promoting the movement beyond the arctic zone.

At a provisioning stopover in Upper Wenzeppu, Veskamet and company picked up assorted news of Lower Wenzeppu and the neighboring land of Limzeppu. One point of interest concerned the Gahurrite rifleman Roy Crinkly, who had been on the side of good in the Battle of Oxhide Spring. Roy had received the Towerman anointing, and was often seen in Lower Wenzeppu, visiting with Diego's family and friends.

Jarsken remarked to his companions at one point: "Since young Mister Smith is also a craftsman, maybe God would allow him to be a 'Captain' in addition to being a Towerman!" Tegmorsh, Ranwyn and Veskamet all replied that they saw no reason why this could not occur.

* * * * * * * * * * * *
The Smith family didn't have space to house the air-traveling visitors, but a spacious inn was available. Captain Jolut found local businessmen willing to set up a takeoff-landing square for Cloud Wagon, in return for his describing its design and operation to them. Conferences expanded into talking about nations east of the Wenzeppues: countries which were not regularly visited by the prominent Silnarpian sky-merchants. Tegmorsh and Ranwyn, meanwhile, made inquiries about any activity in this region by either Frantic Druids or personnel of the Two Rivers Evil Business Corporation. And Jarsken Bowdrie talked with various locals about the state of railway construction and telegraph service in the region.

Eight days after the airship had landed, a local peddler named Victor Shelsidan, who traded with peaceful nomads to the east, persuaded Roy and Jarsken to join him on a side excursion, determining whether potential existed for making one or more trade routes more productive.

Four days out, they ran across one tribal group which had many elderly members who could not easily travel. Victor, able to communicate in their sign language, found that these nomads didn't want to cast the elders out to starve, but were close to being compelled to do so. Victor turned toward Jarsken and said, "I'm going to outright GIVE them all of the food items I was going to sell; then we can use our guns to bring down some wild game for them."

Jarsken Bowdrie nodded. "And, with some grunt-work assistance, I can build two or three cabins which will protect the most vulnerable of them from cold weather better than their tents can do."

Being a recently-initiated Captain of Skilled Labor, Jarsken surprised even himself with how well his cabin-building turned out. He and Victor lost time and money in the short term; but not everybody who subscribes to free enterprise is a heartless, greedy bandit-capitalist like the Two Rivers people in Reslagor. And the goodwill Victor's party gained would bring rewards in the long run. Sometimes heroes don't have to fight anybody.

* * * * * * * * * * *
 
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NEW SCENE, considerably west of Lower Wenzeppu and Samplibam:

I remind the readers that an airborne expedition including Donnie Tonka and Ysidro Lopez overcame a bandit regime in Udraski. These bandits had no connection with Jaheg-Jorod the necromancer. The mercantile nation of Silnarp, however, had a ruling elite class which WAS voluntarily in Jaheg- Jorod's hire. By means of his Reslagorian agents, the immortal fiend was equipping Silnarp, and intended to equip the crooked noble houses in Samplibam, with a sort of gatling gun. Count Omar MacFrancis and Countess Cleopatra MacFrancis were at the forefront of collaboration with the zombie-maker.

One tryout of rattle-guns was "live": murdering a party of bison hunters from Flodmarth. Jaheg-Jorod had animated the victims, merely so the corpses would walk to a remote place to be buried.

Jonawiku the ronin-archer, still doing reconnaissance, had temporarily split from the Field-Master and the rest of their party (Tengu included), to probe a modest range of stony hills. His only companion was a lost dog he had rescued while still with Nefekor. Similar to an Original Earth border collie, the near-adult female had suffered a broken leg; Jonawiku had efficiently splinted the leg, and had carried his new dog over his shoulders for almost a tenday. Coming to a wide creek, he had built a raft; since Nefekor was leading the others upstream, Jonawiku splinted his dog's leg and they rode the current.

Between the fact of eating fish during the creek voyage, and the dog having a crooked tail, the quasi-Japanese Towerman decided to name his dog Fish Hook. Passing by two small nomad camps, he noticed that both groups had similar dogs, but no one claimed to be Fish Hook's owner.

Soon afterward, a bird-headed tengu, a male who has not figured in the narrative before now, came to a landing on the creek bank and hailed the archer. "Towerman Jonawiku, son of Mofiruzo, sometime husband of the ever-honored Lady Shuhiro! My name is Dijimoyat; my family dwells outside the north border of the Shogunate. After southern friends filled us in on your most recent adventures, I resolved to meet you, and to become the latest member of the Tengu Nation to assist in your quest."

Jonawiku rendered a palm-to-palm salute. "May Haruyaso bless and reward you, my sky-roaming friend." (To remind my readers, "Haruyaso" refers to Actual God in His fullness as the Trinity.) "My longbow is at your service. Tell me, is there news of Houses Yagahodo and Inomura?" The ronin had named the two noble clans which had been especially friendly to Ronald of Goliad and his comrades.

"All is well with them, and the latest marriage alliance between them adds to the general goodwill. What is more, the new revolvers are being integrated into battlefield tactics in training."

"Hmm, and what about Neridim Yubiwaza?" Jonawiku referred to the top armorer of House Burakarut. Jonawiku knew of that man's existence, but was unaware of something which the omniscient narrator knows: that Neridim was in league with Jaheg-Jorod. Since Dijimoyat was not the omniscient narrator, he had to admit: "I'm not the omniscient narrator, so I don't know what Master Yubiwaza is up to lately. I do know, however, that his hired men have been running his craft hall without him, and he has been glimpsed beyond the northwest border."

Something none of the good guys knew about Neridim was that he was provided with occasional teleport hops by Jaheg-Jorod, precisely to keep the gunsmith from getting caught.

While they were getting better acquainted, Dijimoyat spoke words over Fish Hook, accelerating the healing of her damaged leg.

* * * * * * * * * * *
 
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The scene changes.....

Wyatt Hickok, the Towerman who had spent years in suspended animation starting before the Punksteeman plotline, had lately traversed about half of the planet going westward, much of the way along the Wellvernian coast. At one stage, Wyatt and his young mentorees had helped to thwart a new undead outbreak. Of the young knights, Ilya Trostel from Vodranor had already gained his knighthood while fighting beside Sir Ronald; Lagmarosk Mezdatch, the son of a road inspector, and Frethric Belgus, the son of a forester, were enlisted much later on the southern continent.

Much farther along, it was Frethric who was badly hurt at sea, fighting the Fishing Line Islanders who attacked Perdida Fortescue's merchant steamer Leaping Swordfish. Northman Burzu Yunsh of the Sogmilla tundra-dwellers was in on that action. The retaliatory naval campaign organized by George Rothermill of Tablanor had visited harsh retribution upon the pirates. As we catch up with "present time," Frethric still was on a long rest break with Ilya's relatives in Vodranor. Ilya himself, and Lagmarosk, headed northwest with Wyatt for a new adventure.

Recent months had seen international collaboration on increasing telegraph continuity. The mountainous land of Bavrid was, naturally, a more difficult piece of geography for telegraph lines than most countries. Lagmarosk and Ilya, neither of them a mountaineer, accompanied their teacher into the mountains, where they would offer their services for the security of the Loi-Bavrid telegraph expansion.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sergeant Rovakel, a Loi-Bavrid soldier acquainted with Ronald of Goliad, cheerfully welcomed the latest gunslinger-knights to cross his nation's border. "Sir Wyatt Hickok, I know tales of your deeds. Sir Ilya, I trust you are doing your part guiding young Sir Lagmarosk along. When Shugdil and Shugsem heard that Towermen were coming, they scrambled to offer their mountain-guide services." The men Rovakel named, a father and son respectively, had formerly assisted Sir Ronald in finding evidence of Jaheg-Jorod's activity in the mountains.

"Sir Wyatt, have you spoken any time recently with Rizlaya Tohir?" asked Shugdil, referring to the good-aligned sorceress who was an advisor to the widely-respected General William Seldunin in Felruda.

"We didn't pass anywhere near Prethlonstead on our way here," Wyatt replied, referring to the Felrudean capital. "But it isn't a bad idea. Do you have a working telegraph line to there?"

"From any place near here," said Shugsem, "we can only directly contact one of their border stations."

Wyatt nodded. "You should do that much-- in case Mistress Tohir isn't already scanning events out this way."

Lagmarosk tugged at his mentor's sleeve. "Sir Wyatt, shouldn't we proceed with investigations regardless?"

"So we shall. Master Shugdil, is any specific location where you particularly suspect meddling by evil forces? If so--lead on."

There was, and the mountain guides did.

* * * * * * * * * * * *
In the time zone which included the land of Hukshem, T'Pinnok Zur slept late on the morning which was early afternoon in Bavrid. This enabled the dream- seer to discover from a distance what Sir Wyatt was looking for. While he still was asleep, he psychically communicated with Rizlaya Tohir, so she would be able to pass the information to the Towermen.

Jaheg-Jorod had indeed begun meddling with telegraph service in that part of the world.
 
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Ronald and Zoralee, with Zoralee's brother and sister-in-law, were living as more-than-welcome guests of the Pril family, while both Zoralee and Judy were going through their pregnancies. Billyboy Jeralo the good-aligned werebeast was part of what kept the household safe against foes. Ronald's trainee D'Kovo, D'Kovo's Smoke Maiden sister Razibi, the three Nizozuan girls, and other prospective guardians constituted a formidable bulwark against any foes. Troopers of the Malgriff Hussars and the Sagrum Rangers, members of the Captains of Skilled Labor, and curious inquirers from nearby Kikoro, were always dropping in.

* * * * * * * * * * *
"Hello, Master and Mistress Pril," said Zeldie Forsype, a young Reslagorian woman who had begun receiving Smoke Maiden training with Jillian Shard. "I have good news for you! For you yourselves, and for the neighborhood."

"Is it about your martial training?" asked the lady of the estate. "Or about the Captains?"

"Both, Mistress Pril. Remember the Reslagorian gunsmith Gordon Septimus? He has received the Skilled Labor anointing; and as it concerns gun-making, he believes he has figured out the new gunpowder."

"What new gunpowder is that?"

Zeldie reflexively gazed all around. "It is rumored that, in widely separated lands, there have been violent incidents involving an explosive substance more powerful than the gunpowder we know. If that new powder exists, the chivalrous orders need to obtain it. Mister Septimus is experimenting now, trying to determine what ingredients are needed."

D'Vargut Pril now spoke: "But what if the explosive improvement is magical?"

"Sir, you know that Captains of Skilled Labor enjoy supernormal intuition about matters of their own skill set. Mister Septimus is convinced that the new gunpowder's merits are purely chemical, and that given time, he can duplicate the formula. Whenever he succeeds, he intends to make his product available at no cost for all Towermen and Smoke Maidens."

* * * * * * * * * * *
Wildroot Seedoil the Mellow Druidess, who included midwifing in her toolbox, had been monitoring Zoralee Goliad's pregnancy. Her husband, who had for years been the Last Towerman, had TWO sons on the way: fraternal twins, according to Wildroot.

"Ronald, my darling, I mean it: I want you to name both boys. The Jeralo ancestry can be honored by Billyboy and Judy's children, and by LATER children that I'll bear for you. Spill it, what do you want to call the twins?"

After a serious kiss, Ronald replied: "Whichever boy comes out first will be named Gareth, for my maternal grandfather. The other will be named for my father Mellacarth."

"So if I later bear one more son, will he be named Jessruf?"

"No, he won't. My father's father dishonored our bloodline by numerous bad deeds. THAT is why I go by '--of Goliad,' instead of a definite surname. My father was so ashamed of HIS father, that he dropped the last name as an unclean thing. And Brewster of Goliad, whom I have mentioned to you, has a similar cause to surname himself after our native land."
 
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All right, enough time has passed. Let's join Giles Magg, the Goulash clone of Duke Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable. He's going to deal with magical Wendigoes who originated in the Canada of Mediumgard Earth.
 
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