Write a note to the person above you II

Dear Freckles,

Depression is serious. The first thing you should do is admit to the seriousness of your depression. Also admit to its nature: when speaking to it, please address it properly as "Numerical Depression."

Now that you have addressed Numerical Depression, you need to enter into some light conversation. Learn about Numerical Depression's background and hobbies. What music does it like? Does it read books? Who are its favorite authors? Ask pleasant questions about its family.

Now Numerical Depression should ask some questions about you. Try to seem open and friendly. Say enough to keep the conversation going. Mention topics that Numerical Depression indicates it might be interested in.

But, you say, what if Numerical Depression doesn't like me? Well, that happens. Just remember that you are a very special person, no matter what Numerical Depression thinks. If it leaves in a huff, you should go to bed and eat chocolate. That usually helps.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenburne,

I don't care how serious Numerical Depression is; I have no desire to get into any kind of relationship with it. Since it is already depressed, it won't hurt it if I tell it outright to leave and never come back, right?

Thanks for the help anyway!
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

You already have a relationship with Numerical Depression; it's just that your relationship is a poor one. I am trying to help you improve it.

If you want to break up with Numerical Depression, I'm afraid I can't help you. I am a positive person and want to assist you in developing your relationships, not destroying them. In any case you should speak to it with the sensitivity, civility, and politeness that should always characterize your speech. Bluntly telling it to go away is rude and inappropriate.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenburne,

I'm prepared to treat all humans with "sensitivity, civility, and politeness" but not things or illnesses. Luther allegedly threw an inkwell at the devil, and as we all know, he was a flawless human being whose example we should follow to the letter.

*throws How to Train Your Dragon action figures at numerical depression*

Sincerely,
Freckles

PS. I'm going to visit the Wartburg in three weeks! I'm so happy! :D
 
Dear Freckles,

Just curious--are you Lutheran? Not that Luther himself would probably have minded the anti-Luther sarcasm. I recently learned that Lutheran churches were traditionally called evangelical; apparently it has confused some American tourists, who were thinking of American evangelicism and ended up in Lutheran services by mistake.

Anyway, throwing How to Train Your Dragon action figures at Numerical Depression might actually make it feel better. I think it likes them...it seems to be perking up.

Ooh, does the Wartburg have a really high tower? With a padlock? The DLR has been getting too close for comfort lately.

-Glen
 
Dear Glenburne,

To answer your question about my denomination would explode this note, so I will just observe that even nominations that bear the same name are really different in different countries (e.g. American baptists vs. German baptists), so it's not safe to say I'm this denomination and trust you to associate the right thing with it. Also, I don't know enough about denominations to say anything for sure, and I can't say that (for instance) I identify as a Lutheran because I go to a Lutheran church, because I've gone to very different ones over the years, listened politely to their input, and continued doing my own thing, which is, struggling to believe even in the Christian God. So, if the Christian faith is a dartboard, the denominations are striving toward different points of the outward circle while I'm still in the center, digging frantically.

But I very much identify with the early Luther on a more personal basis. For example, he taught me that every idealist needs ten savvy friends to keep him alive.

The Wartburg does have a high tower. But I don't know if all the DLR fit in there. How many of them are there, and how big are they? If they're like 200 Despicable Me-sized minions, I think we're onto something.

Sincerely,
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

Yes, and Luther's life also teaches that idealists sometimes need to be kidnapped for their own good. :p How are German Baptists different from American Baptists, exactly? My sister went with a group to perform music at some (mostly Baptist) churches in Europe last summer--Germany was her favorite country, by the way--and she said that the Baptist churches there were extremely conservative compared even to conservative Baptists in the U.S.

The DLR are growing in number, but yes, they are small. Thus, "Deadly Little Relatives." I was thinking of hiding in the Wartburg tower myself, but now that I think about it, I could just try to trap them in there.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenburne,

I volunteer! I volunteer as kidnappee! (Wow that doesn't sound right.)

I don't actually know that much about American Baptists, I merely noticed that the reaction of people was different to them (Canadian Baptists) than to other denominations though they were reluctant to give any reason. German Baptists are part of the 'free church' movement (as opposed to the state church) and more on the conservative end of that spectrum, I suppose, though I would have guessed that American churches would usually be more conservative than German ones. But then, I've never been to the States. I need to read up on denominations.

Just out of interest, do the DLR travel on foot?

Sincerely,
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

Yes, the DLR travel on basically anything. Including vultures. You ought to try to keep running in a straight line when a DLR on a vulture keeps taking nosedives at you....

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glen,

As always, your advice is neatly noted down on a scroll bearing the title, 'Things to Never Ever Do Ever'.

If you were wondering about the bill I sent you last week, it was for combined expenses in ink, paper, and the orthopedic surgeon.

Pay in whichever currency suits you best. I trust you remember where I hide my purses.

Sincerely,
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

I'll pay in ocean currents; I have a few stashed in my bedroom closet. (I use them to drown the monsters.)

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Rain,

Less. The earth has five corners. One is located under my bed, so I've got all the wind I need.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Glen,

But what if I'm the monster under your bed and I've eaten your corner?

Finding all your lost socks,
GG
 
Dear GG,

I almost never wear socks. What you're finding are all my lost shoes. The ones that are for colder weather or are too worn out for me to wear. I find it very concerning that you can't tell the difference between a shoe and a sock. Have you considered seeing an eye doctor?

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenburne,

What you're describing are not lost shoes but discarded shoes. The distinction matters and can lead to delightful breezy summer evenings spent discussing predestination and free will. Should you choose not to engage in this discussion, it will automatically be replaced by lively assertions of the acting genius that is Joseph Fiennes. Objection will result in everyone's feigning connoisseurship of wine interspersed with unrelated adjectives such as 'unctuous', 'laser-like', and 'intellectually satisfying'.

Don't mess with Texas,
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

Stop forging my signature.

-Texas

P.S. I'm writing this of my own free will using Glen's account. Predestination is for people who plan way ahead. I'm authentic and don't do that.
P.P.S. How do you like my boots?
 
Dear Freckles,

How about discussing a theology of Texas? A republic our size ought to have a theology dedicated to it. You could write a textbook with chapters like these:
  • 1. Predestinating Texas: Ten Theological Reasons Why Texas Needs to Exist
  • 2. Ecclesiologies of Texas, and Why They All Are Right
  • 3. Eschatology of Texas: Finding Texas in the Book of Revelation
We could do a book deal, if you're interested.

Sincerely,
Texas

P.S. Look! I got another pair of boots!
 
Dear Texas,

No amount of boots would be enough.

I need a new pair of shoes, though. Mine got holes from walking. Apparently you're not supposed to do that with shoes.

Ye be warned,
Freckles
 
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