Attention-Deficit Roleplaying

Sir Tom the Dragon Knight said:
When Jackie Chan tried to cash his paycheck, Robin Hood stole the money and gave it all to the oppressed Chinese people.
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Robin Hood was met by a band of heroes from twelfth-century Chinese legend. Known as (loose translation) the Righteous Robbers of the Wetland, these men, with several warrior women after the "Crouching Tiger" manner, were Chinese folklore's nearest equivalent of the Merry Men.

Their leader, known as (loose translation) Jade Dragon, said to Robin, "Well done, Westerner! We declare you to be an honorary Chinese! As a matter of fact, we would like to hear your advice on something. You may have heard that individual human life is cheap in the East; well, there is truth in that. Unfortunately, some of our own Righteous Robbers, among them the axe-wielder Black Whirlwind, are not as careful as they might be about NOT slaying innocent bystanders when there is a battle. Can you suggest a way that we might fortify our brethren's minds BEFORE fighting, so that they will remember our code of honor WHILE fighting?"
 
Robin thought for a moment, then said. "Well, I have a strict rule that my men are not allowed to drink alcoholic beverages before a fight. 'Drinks are for celebration, not preparation!' I tell them. Also, Friar Tuck reads the scriptures and prays with us every morning. So if you don't mind having a look at our Holy Bible, as I understand most Chinese are Hindu or Buddhist, you might find the wisdom of our God most mentally strengthening."
 
Sung Chiang, the intellectual head of the Righteous Robbers, told Robin: "Actually, NO Chinese are Hindus, though it is true that we received Buddhism from India. Our alternative to Buddhism is our own indigenous Taoism. But feel free to tell us more about what you believe. Everyone wants the same thing, right? To achieve oneness with the all-ness of the everything-ness, right?"
 
Robin Hood was slightly amused to find himself called on to explain slightly complicated religious concepts that were normally left up to much more experienced theologians. "Yes and no. While Christians do desire a close relationship to God, the all-knowing and completely omnipotent Father and Creator of all things and the universe itself, and that is their ultimate goal, it is not COMPLETE oneness to the point of a drop of water being consumed by an ocean. The Christian still maintains his individuality, but lives in a family-like bond with God, like a close father and son relationship."
Friar Tuck, who was eating a bowl of rice and Chinese spices and chicken, saw that Robin Hood was having some trouble and came over to back him up.
 
"In our Scriptures," Tuck told them, "a man called Elijah was speaking to God, and God set about to show him something. A windstorm, an earthquake and a wildfire all passed near Elijah, but Elijah could sense that none of these natural forces WAS God. Next, God spoke to him in an audible, meaningful voice. While this one incident does not cover EVERY question, it does show that God's identity is separate from His creation, and that He does communicate personally."

"All right, I think that makes sense," remarked Wu Sung, one of the mightiest of the Chinese warriors.
 
Something still had to be done about the celebrity obsessed teenage girls. Martha Kent, Superman's adopted mother stepped in. Being a farmer's wife ( and a farmer herself, lets face it running a farm takes more than one person) she knew how to straighten them. Give them some good old fashioned chores on the farm.
 
Somewhere nearby, Bat-Bat, with a fresh arsenal of ultra-violet, guano-based bombs, watched every thread on TDL in case sexy vampires showed up.
 
And it was a good thing that Bat-Bat WAS watching. For a huge crowd of sexy vampires, frustrated at being unable to invade Middle-Earth (see Copperfox's "Emmett and Queenie" thread in Writing Club), gathered for an assault on the space heroes and cowboy heroes. They brought along an army of zombies, and the undead comicbook villain Solomon Grundy.

Receiving a warning from Bat-Bat, Lion-Guy uttered his super-powered roar, which had the power to discourage evildoers while EN-couraging good guys. This slowed down the undead hordes long enough that the good guys could make ready to fight.
 
Superman was too busy to go home anyways, now that there was ANOTHER impending zombie and sexy vampire invasion. He hoped the general public wouldn't sympathize with the enemy as much this time around. He really wasn't in the mood for dealing with idiotic teenagers, considering Lois had already stressed him out by systematically ignoring him.
 
Solomon Grundy being an especially dangerous foe, a number of heroes focused their attention on him, including ALL versions of Green Lantern. One hero would kill Grundy, then Grundy would come back, then another hero would kill Grundy again, then Grundy would come back again, and so on.
 
Superman found his closest match in power (Thor) and told him to keep Grundy's attention. Superman and Thor then told the other heroes to forget Grundy and focus on taking out everything that actually can be killed. So while Thor battled Grundy, Superman could focus on killing Edward Cullen (AGAIN) and decimating every zombie within a 200 yard radius of him. It all would have gone quite well if only General Zod hadn't joined up with Evil Emperor Zurg and his fellow villains from the Buzz Lightyear universe. Zod then encouraged Zurg and the villains to join the fight.
 
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Zurg had invented a hypnotic device which could even affect Superman. It made Superman believe that all his flying was "only falling with style." This threw Superman into a state of confusion; so the Hulk had to take up the slack in combatting the zombies.
 
Luckily, the real Buzz Lightyear (human and not a toy) from the animated series knew the mechanics of his jet pack well enough to know that he was certainly not falling with style, and thus was able to lead his team up into Zurg's ship where they attempted to sabotage all of Zurg's weapons.
 
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Zurg had done his best to prevent his hypnotic device from being destroyed. He had disguised the device as a stack of DVD copies of "Prince NON-Caspian," which nobody could possibly be interested in.
 
But it just so happened that King Peter (Prince NON-Caspian's worst critic) had sneaked aboard Zurg's ship. Finding the pile of DVDs, he used his sword to totally destroy the device.
Superman remembered his powers of flight, then attempted to destroy Zurg's ship with a combination of his laser vision and strength.
 
Zurg now resorted to a forgotten invention from Superman's old comicbooks: the Phantom Zone Projector, which put Superman in a ghost-like state, unable to affect any object physically.
 
Captain America saw what was happening, and told Thor, "SWITCH!"
Thor replied, "But Supe said-"
"Never mind that, I've gotta save him, now let me fight Grundy while you take down Zurg's ship and use the Phantom Zone Projector to bring Superman back to normal."
"Right away, Cap!" So they executed Captain America's plan, leaving the Captain to fight with Grundy all alone. Thor started by throwing his hammer at Zurg's primary engine, the hammer of course came back like a boomerang after it had hit its target. The engine exploded, and the ship struggled to keep from crashing into the earth as it descended.
 
Just as Superman was restored to normal space, the enemy ship was projected INTO the Phantom Zone, to float around among other non-existent things, like the talent of the actor who had played the revised Lone Ranger.
 
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