Roleplay By Monologues

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And the few girls that stayed because they had no horses kept calling him "Edward" and wanted his autograph. This meant that Bat-Bat, although flat as he was, had a lot of work to do to set these girls straight.
 
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A television news report on Bat-Bat saving the lives of everyone on the disabled airliner came to the attention of Emmett and Copperfox. The gunslinger and the sailor both realized that it would not be easy for them to equal Bat-Bat's achievement in being ignored and undervalued by women.
 
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The Walrus popped a clam up from the sand and considered it with surprise.

"Hey, clams got legs!" he snorffed through his whiskers.

The Carpenter didn't reply, as he was busy napping beneath a giant striped umbrella with zinc on his nose.
 
The sound of a cat meowing attracted seven 13-year-old girls who were still riding horses on solitary quests that no one else understood. Next to horses, cats were the animal of choice for each of these girls as a means of ignoring and undervaluing human beings in favor of pets. When the girls found the cat, six of them immediately launched into angry exchanges of I'm-more-invincible-than-you-no-you're-not posts as a way of battling for possession of the cat. But the seventh girl simply bypassed the fighting, picked up the cat, and posted that her horse could fly so that she could get away clean with her new kitty. The winner of the furry prize was elated; now, with TWO animals to adore, she wouldn't even have to LIKE, let alone love, any fellow human being for at least the next four years.
 
While this girl flew away with the kitty, all the other thirteen-year-old girls suddenly posted that they had found a puppy which, as everyone else knew (they said) was better than having a kitten.

Of course, this gave them another excuse to keep on not liking humans, no matter how (and specially because they were) nice and kindhearted people.

The girl who had gotten away with the cat read all those posts so she made her horse land on a magical island full of kittens and puppies. But that was not enough for her. She also added fairies and pastel colored bunnies just to make sure the others could not outdone her this time.
 
The girl who dreamed up the magical island was in for a rude shock. The treacherous politician who answered all policy questions with a shout of "Change!" appeared on her island, and informed her that the Fairness Doctrine was now in effect. This meant that every time the girl wrote a post that she was succeeding at something, she also had to write a post contradicting herself and saying she was failing. If she posted that she was beautiful, she also had to post that she was ugly. If she posted that she was a warrior, she also had to post that she couldn't punch her way out of a paper bag. If she posted that she was an empress, she also had to post that she was a starving peasant. And if she posted that her cat loved her, she also had to post that it scratched and bit her.
 
More and more boys and girls gathered to start a huge rpg but everybody started their own rpg in which they all joined. Some felt miserable because they felt let out or ignored but everybody assured each other it was not happening. They only got confused because everybody posted at the same time. Soon Bat-bat approached them to keep a close eye on those rpg's. The group grew larger and larger. More and more boys and girls joined and started to rpg. Soon a huge elephant turned up and blew all the rpg's away. Every boy and girl started to panic and chased their own oh so precious rpg.
 
AFTER all this, a ten-year-old girl joined The Dancing Lawn for the very first time, knowing nothing of what had happened on-forum up till now. Seeing a roleplay title she liked, she went to it....and, without even the SLIGHTEST attempt to learn what had gone before, she declared herself to be the star of the story. She would be a GREAT BIG GROWN-UP thirteen-year-old girl, and she would be doing the most ORIGINAL thing ever heard of: riding away alone on a horse to pursue a lonely quest which no one else understood.
 
Continuing to post without even looking at anyone else's entries, this new girl had her next ASTONISHINGLY DARING AND ORIGINAL IDEA. Saying that she was menaced by ten 300-pound men, she declared that she wiped them out with a series of high-flying kicks, while they never laid a finger on her. And for an unbroken sweep of bold, pioneering innovations, she also had her character discover that she was a PRINCESS!
 
And she also happened to love kittens, puppies, fairies, and pastel-colored bunnies that she adored and spent all her free time with when she was not brushing her horse.
Of course our new "heroine" did not know that somewhere, out of sight, Bat-Bat was watching her in case she decided to start a vampire RP.
 
But the 10 year old girl wasn't doing any vampire rpg. So bat-bat decided to leave it at this. Then the girl started to write in the HP topics and she new all books out of her head and she had seen the movies a million times. She could quote complete chapters of the books and movies and had studied all spells used in the books. So the girl decided to make her Princess invincible by using the HP spells. Bat-bat flew towards her and locked her rpg. The girl became angry and started a discussion with bat-bat. But Bat-bat was strickt. Who doesn't follow the rules have to face the concequenses. The girl was angry and tried to use her spells on bat-bat. She grabbed a wand and pretended she was going to burn bat-bat. Bat-bat flew above her head and warned her. The girl didn't give up and repeated hr action. Bat-bat repeated his. Then after a thirth time bat-bat banned her. The girl was furious and walked off to another forum more suitable for her needs
 
On her next forum, having learned nothing from Bat-Bat, the ten-year-old girl went on to claim that she was the Earth-Mother Goddess, who had created all things out of her own self, and would absorb all things again into herself, erasing all individual identity in one big pantheistic Everything-ness. Quite a few teenage girls, angry at Jesus Christ for being a man, agreed to worship her.
 
A giant amoeba, which simply loved to absorb things, came galorphing along and slurped them all up.

"Mmmmmm" it thought appreciatively, feeling very at one with itself.
 
Meanwhile, the dishonest politician whose mantra was the word "CHANGE" realized that, since he was trying to fool people into thinking he was a Christian AT THE SAME TIME AS he was mocking real Christians for being "bitter people clinging to their guns," he had better actually read some of the Bible.

Coming upon the temptation of Jesus in the desert, he soon saw an opportunity to impose his deceptively-named Fairness Doctrine again. "This needs to be re-written to be fair to BOTH sides," he declared. "For every time Jesus refutes and frustrates the Devil, there has to be a part where the Devil refutes and frustrates Jesus!"

Continuing to read the New Testament, he expands his plan for fairness applications: "All four of these Gospels end with Jesus rising from the dead. That's one-sided! There have to be four MORE Gospels added, which end with an insistence that Jesus DIDN'T rise from the dead!"
 
Returning to The Octopus Garden, Joe finds he has a distinguished customer: the supporting character "Ghost" from the Matrix movies AND computer game. Seeing to it that the courageous freedom fighter has everything he wants, Joe asks him, "What have you been doing since the last movie?"

"Looking for the Wachowski Brothers," growls Ghost; "--to KILL them for killing off both Neo and Trinity, when there was NO artistic necessity to do that!"

"Yeah, I was mighty ticked off at them too for that," agrees Joe. "I especially never thought they'd kill off Trinity, when they have such an obsessive fetish for women with short hair or no hair."

Suddenly, the vegetarian restaurant is filled with divine glory, as Aslan appears. With him is a shapely, athletic woman with long black hair. Joe and Ghost both stare uncomprehendingly.

The woman laughs. "Neither of you recognized me--I'm Trinity! Aslan brought me back to life, and made me grow some hair! He's also disgusted with the way the Wachowski Brothers ruined the potentially excellent Christ allegory they had started to develop."

"I regret to say that Neo will have to stay missing, unless the Wachowski Brothers come to repentance," Aslan told them; "but you, Trinity, and you, Ghost, can have some adventures in this thread in the meantime. Trinity, the 13-year-old girls posting on this thread will especially profit by your presence; you'll give them an example of a woman who IS a warrior, yet who doesn't feel that she has to wipe her feet on men and boys to prove some point."
 
After dining, Trinity and Ghost go out and find the crooked politician who is trying to distort all communication with his misnamed "Fairness Doctrine." When they find him, he is on the phone with a lawyer for the C.S. Lewis estate, trying to convince the lawyer that, according to the Fairness Doctrine, they need to publish ANOTHER seven books that say Aslan is NOT God and Tash IS.

Ghost grabs away the politician's phone and crushes it. The crooked politician tries to ward off the Matrix heroes by shouting "Change! Change!"; but Trinity tells him, "If you want to practice this Fairness Doctrine with consistency, go tell your pals at the vote-fraud organization--you know, the one named after a nut--that for every fictional vote they invent for you, they have to invent one for your opponent!"

Ghost grinned under his dark glasses. "He doesn't like THAT application of his doctrine."
 
But then Mickey Mouse appeared and said:

"Wait people. If they closed that "nut" agency I would not be able to vote! And as everyone knows, I am registered to vote in every precinct in California and Nevada. What will I do on election day, uh? Tell me!"

Bat-Bat of course was carefully watching this silly mouse in case HE decided to start a vampire thread!
 
Another 14 year old boy appeared with his 12 year old sister. The boy introduced the girl to a world called TDL but as soon as the girl saw the rules and bat-bat she decided to leave. She went away on her own quest not knowing what her future might bring
 
The crooked politician slipped away from Trinity and Ghost at the first opportunity. He visited the offices of the nearest school board, where he began speaking to board members about the need to apply the Fairness Doctrine to school textbooks. "Facts are terribly intolerant," he told them. "You need to let the, um, CREATIVE side have a hearing. For every textbook that gives correct multiplication tables, you need to have a textbook that gives randomly made-up ones."

They explained to the politician that they couldn't quite get away with that yet; but when they showed him some of the things that WERE already being taught to public-school children, he was satisfied.
 
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