Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Since we last visited Only-One Kanoli and his Bathtubmirian bride Massage Breathless-Kanoli, they had landed on Poxkrut, a world afflicted with pollution due to widespread strip mining. Specifically, mining lithium and cobalt, minerals useful in batteries. An industrial combine controlled by the Empire had told people on several other planets that they MUST use batteries containing lithium and/or cobalt for all domestic power applications. But slave labor extracted the minerals on Poxkrut, and Thuglyfe Skrawn's representatives refused to provide breathing protection to the enslaved miners. Two out of every three miners were dying within a year of starting work, and none made it to two years.

The Kanolis had succeeded in locating a pair of humanoid siblings Massage had known on Bathtubmir: Habgun and his sister Wiltrava. But their parents were long since deceased, and the siblings were outlaws in hiding. The "crime" which made them fugitives had consisted in trying to get at a subspace radio set, so as to call for help from the Republic of Lots of Worlds.

After learning how things stood, the Fuss-powered spouses had combined their mental power to call for any fellow up-sider who was available. They had the good fortune to reach Master Plow Korn, whose personal spacecraft arrived immediately after Copperfox finished this paragraph. Plow's respiratory system was far more durable than those of human Fuss users; thus, he would not need breathing protection at a lithium site.

Habgun and Wiltrava shared their knowledge of the nearest mining layout. The tusk-faced Plow Korn headed for the strip mine, while the Kanolis (who DID wear breathing protection) headed for the set-apart administration building.

The Empire-affiliated characters managing the biggest lithium operation looked exactly like the greedy-capitalist-because-free-enterprise-is-yucky bad guys in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. None of them, however, were blatantly named after Original Earth politicians. They did, on the other hand, have Chipotli battle-droids guarding their headquarters. By the time Only-One and Massage finished wrecking the robot soldiers, the greedy rich aliens had boarded an escape ship and blasted off.

Facing her husband, Massage told him: "There's a very good chance that they had no time to erase routine imagery of the unprotected miners at work. We can broadcast that to the universe as proof of their guilt!"

Only-One smiled and kissed her. "Are you confident of extracting their video and loading it into one of our data devices?"

"Pretty confident. Get your device out and stand by. But even if this doesn't work, Plow Korn is sure to subdue all the guards on-site; then we'll have live miners more than willing to go on record condemning what was done to them!"

"Right. But give me a moment to call Habgun and Wiltrava, to let them know we're safe."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Four hours later, on Kantpoo, a high-level official named Ospratiya received an unpleasant visit from a higher-level official named Fadusi Harbenk.

"Ospratiya, tell me something. When you agreed to a contract with Merchant Kuhatugo to buy lithium batteries for our vehicles, DID you inquire about his associates' mining practices?"

"I didn't see any need. He told me that his batteries would supplement our solar and geothermal power sources, without polluting anything. He said they would help to protect Mother Kantpoo."

Fadusi sighed. "You need to watch the holovideo I just saw, transmitted from Poxkrut. It's from a reputable source, no less than Up-Side Master Mopey-One Kanoli. It will explain why you are about to forfeit three months' pay."
 
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From a starship loitering outside the star system which contained Planet Kummanokkin, Shrinkdin Trush, with his daughter Siskeli alongside him, had gotten a subspace call through to his master Thuglyfe Skrawn. He had described his unproductive attempt in the town of Filzosh to get a lead to the Dimsaber.

"......Siskeli confirmed that none of them had any idea where the Dimsaber could be found. So there was nothing to be gained by pushing the stalemate into bloodshed. We backed off with no losses, and we intend now to follow Bulky Tanya's movements."

When the blue-skinned admiral replied to his blue-skinned subordinate, it was to say:

"Postpone your takeoff on this pursuit for one day. Another ship is on its way to join you. Everyone on board it has been instructed to defer to your authority in the mission; but I instruct you to listen to any advice given by one person on board."

"Sir, are you sending Blastodon Kroof?" Shrinkdin was referring to the highest-ranking Imperial Popquizzitor NOT to have died or been captured.

"So I am. You and he have always worked well together, so I am optimistic about this pursuit. You will seize the Dimsaber if possible; but there's another angle. Our own technicians have worked long in secrecy to IMITATE the Dimsaber. What we have so far is the prototype which Blastodon will bring with him in addition to his Fuss ring. We call it the Darkmachete."
 
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On a highway east of Weyburn, Saskatchewan Province, Canada, Jersey Earth, the middle-aged Algonquin man called Roger Tree Root was leading a work party preparing to recover abandoned semi trucks. Along a three-mile segment of the road, nine rigs had been stranded by lack of diesel fuel. Men with horses and wagons had salvaged the freight for the intended recipients, but not until today had it become possible to REFUEL the cab tractors. Drivers were present with Mr. Tree Root.

The crustacean Green Flashlight Chubkripdak arrived, accompanied by one of the chastened and penitent Heart Sapphires: Lubtifor, the raven-haired beauty who had previously been in Samoa. Since Chubkripdak was known in Saskatchewan and Lubtifor wasn't, Chubkripdak briefed the locals on what was coming:

"Just so you know, by now all Sapphire Sisters remaining on Earth have officially given up on trying to rule your world. A few have departed and good riddance, but most are setting out in good faith to undo the damage they did. Lubtifor has experimented successfully with creating diesel oil, and that's what she's going to do today. She'll make the fuel come into existence already inside the fuel tanks. I will levitate each truck out of the ditch, onto the pavement. I assume each of you knows who will drive which truck."

Upon a moment's pause in the work, Roger asked Chubkripdak, "Do you know what became of that ridiculous boy Sawyer Boyd?"

The lobsteroid hero drooped his antennae: his counterpart of sighing sadly. "Sawyer, and many of his like-thinkers, proved to have acquired the power of space flight. They set a course for another Earth-variant, one which also has superheroes. That's all I know at present."

"All right, back to business."

The convoy had covered nearly two kilometers toward Weyburn when an additional semi truck joined them from a side road. This one had no driver; it was being carried by She-Hunk, held over her head. Unfindable Man-- visible at present-- was walking behind her, close to the rear of the trailer.

"What's Jimmy doing?" Chubkripdak asked.

"Stabilizing the load. I'm strong enough to lift this truck, but it's awkward balancing it overhead. Jimmy's applying his energy wherever any part of the rig starts dipping down. It's working, but if any of you has a towing chain, the rest of the way will be easier if I can just pull it behind me."
 
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The New Jersey of this Earth-variant used Newark as its capital, rather than Trenton. Trace Dickey, now Commandant of the gradually-recovering New Jersey State Police, was busy at the capital, not only re-staffing his own force, but rebuilding operational ties with his counterparts in Delaware, Pennsylvania, New York, Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, and the District of Columbia. During all of this, while not denying his new endowment with up-side Fuss powers, he downplayed as much as possible his ability to compel people to obey his will.

Working with Trace all this time-- while scrupulously preserving proper boundaries-- was a lawyer named Heidi Severson, who had been recruited to fill the empty office of state attorney-general. One concern Heidi shared with Trace was the fact that, when the Heart Sapphires disrupted all infrastructure, numerous felons had simply walked out of their prisons. Because Trace (though not realizing it) was leading an existence based on classic Dick Tracy comic strips, quite a few of the escaped convicts were gifted, eccentric types, much like villains in Batman comic books. Trace, Heidi and others like them understood that the super-villains would be lying low, for fear of being recaptured by Green Flashlights or Heart Sapphires. This fact made it urgent to root the "special" crooks out of their bolt-holes BEFORE Jersey Earth went back to having only a handful of superheroes present on-world.

Consequently, a share of Trace's working hours was now devoted to having still-confined correctional inmates brought to him from other states. With all involved officials committing themselves NOT to punish these men for never-prosecuted offenses of their own which might come to light in this way, the Constitutional protection against self-incrimination was respected. As bits and pieces of relevant information turned up, ordinary law enforcement would get to work following the new trails.

It still mattered to Trace Dickey that everyone must be protected by the rule of law. Despite the fear invariably chilling the hearts of all convicts who suffered Fuss-compulsion to tell what they knew, they came away in awe of the famous detective's moral uprightness. A man whom each of them would have enjoyed killing, still faithfully safeguarded THEIR legal rights; and after his mind touched theirs, it became impossible for them to say or think that Commandant Dickey was a weakling or a sucker.
 
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At a repaired penitentiary in South Dakota, Green Flashlight Zuha Zuzob, the starfish-like one who came from a very cold planet, and had to keep herself insulated on terrestroid planets, was rotating guard duty with Zaz-Chispa (the mantis-like female Flashlight who would NEVER eat a male of her species) and Poradsimu (the blocky-bodied fellow who had an extra set of rearward-looking eyes). They were guarding some of this continent's master criminals; but above all, they were watching Grrrryll, daughter of Twerpseid, who had tried to kill the senior Heart Sapphire who had a musical name.

Their vigilance was to pay off. At a time when Sushi "Woman Torch" Strum was visiting her Green Flashlight friends, a dimensional tunnel suddenly opened up in the prison's exercise yard.

Present in the open space were Zuha and three human guards. The latter were armed with non-lethal but highly effective stunning weapons, which had been confiscated from Grrrryll's unsuccessful attack force. Precisely because these guns would not kill, the three Earthmen opened fire immediately. Human-looking figures emerging from the wormhole mouth fell unconscious. The star-fishy superheroine did her bit by releasing some of her internal coldness, chilling other intruders just enough to weaken them a bit.

A total of thirty-six inept invaders were captured, with no one being harmed on either side. Zaz-Chispa undertook to question a few of the most-conscious ones, beginning thus: "I can tell that you come from New Laziness." She brandished one of her claws. "Now, explain why you came here, or else I'll give each of you a non-fatal flesh wound in the left shoulder."

"Twerpseid sent us!" replied one of the least intelligent-looking men in the platoon.

Zaz-Chispa's antennae snapped up to attention. "What, has he regained his powers, AND taken over New Laziness?"

Another uniformed man sighed loudly. "No, he didn't. King Truthside has Twerpseid's former powers, and isn't giving them back."

Feeling sorry for the dimwitted first speaker, the mantisoid Green Flashlight gave him only a token prick in the shoulder, which scarcely even bled. Nonetheless, the man fainted. A third pathetic soldier added: "Highfyver wants Grrrryll back at his palace, because only he can teach her true peacefulness."

Before any of the good guys present could react to this, a fourth clown-soldier volunteered: "And he also wants this planet's copy of the Anti-Strife Equation!"

Woman Torch had joined them by this time. She and the also-arriving Poradsimu looked at each other, and spoke in exact unison: "That sounds like a plotline-convenient mid-narrative Easter egg!"
 
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WE FINALLY REJOIN SIR RONALD OF GOLIAD, THE LAST TOWERMAN, IN THE LAND OF UPPER WENZEPPU.

There was one most-used road for commerce between Upper Wenzeppu and the relatively-urbanized Lower Wenzeppu. Beside this highway, twenty-one paces north of the borderline marker, stood what was called simply The Southern Trading Post. Besides loosely functioning as a customs house, the place handled homing ravens just like the ones accompanying Ronald's party. In the absence of telegraph lines, this message service had facilitated getting some Lower Wenzeppuan dignitaries to come up and meet with Trail-Chooser Sahajil, Towerman Ronald and some Upper Wenzeppuan elders.

The dignitaries arrived mounted on relatively-small camelopards. Triglon Fedlo, the eldest of the party, had a beard which the members of ZZ Top would have admired. He was also the most accomplished among them at learning languages. Having been advised that Ronald's band included speakers of Heskadugan, he began speaking in their language, then repeated the same in Wenzeppuan and hunter-language:

"Visitors from across the arctic lands, my name is Triglon Fedlo, and I am a government mediator for issues of trade and industry in my country. These men with me are enforcers of the law in our country. We hear nothing but good about you travelers. We do not claim power to arrest any offender on the upper land's territory, but we will offer assistance as the Trail-Chooser might request."

Ronald stood with senior huntsman Jorbin Chag on his right, and his swordsman-trained apprentice Talusek on his left. Trail-Chooser Sajahil cast her eyes on the gunslinger-knight, and a gesture on her part was enough. She would understand Ronald's words no matter what language he spoke; she would interpret what he said for Mister Fedlo's party; and thanks to Ronald's divinely-bestowed gift, all of the Lower Wenzeppuans would know for certain that he spoke truthfully.

"As the last living instructor for new Towermen, I seek in every place I visit to encourage people's interest in rebuilding the Order of Sir Edgar, and the Smoke Maidens as well. Assisting legitimate authorities to uphold justice is fully in accord with my own aims. Therefore, I request that my companions and I be included in all discussions of how to catch the evildoers who murdered so many people by poison. Apart from defending ourselves if attacked by anyone, we will defer to the jurisdiction of local authorities, but we believe we can be a substantial help to those who enforce Upper Wenzeppu's laws."
 
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Hours of deliberation, interrupted only by a hasty supper at the Southern Trading Post (because this is a fantasy story, so nobody needed to go to the bathroom), culminated with everyone looking at the Trail-Chooser. Mister Fedlo posed the primary question to the wise woman:

"Your people and my people have our own respective procedures to respond to capital crimes. These would be followed in any event, and are not in conflict with each other. We request your judgment concerning the role of our new friends from across the world. Should all of them proceed with me into Lower Wenzeppu, to help seek the origin of the evil? Should all of them stay here, to help investigate the PLACE of the murders? Or should their party be split and thus work in both Wenzeppues? If the last option, which visitors should be in which group?"

"Divide them, is my counsel," replied Sajahil. "I will not presume to command Sir Ronald and his comrades; but my recommendation is that Lester Grath, Burzu and Hedrai remain here in the north, with Jorbin facilitating their part in our hunt for clues. Let all the rest proceed with Triglon Fedlo into Lower Wenzeppu, to discover what they may."

/ / / / / / / / / / / /
 
In the capital of Mifdola, Sazka the lens-maker, her sharpshooter daughter Heejee and the Loi-Jeltua noblewoman Setbari Timsad (owner of the airship Gogatai Canyon) were casually chatting over lunch, when young Queen Sotavalit joined them.

"Setbari, Sazka, Heejee: the plotline-convenient caravan drover Skagruth Johnston has turned up again, relating something of interest!"

"The exact whereabouts of your father's murderers?" asked Heejee.

Sotavalit shrugged. "I wish it were. But I have confidence in Ysidro and the others on the assassins' trail. What Mister Johnston learned is information about the gunslinger Sir Ronald: indirect information, but more than we've known up to now." Colonel Zaptrim of the Malgriff Hussars approached the ladies while the Queen was talking. Sotavalit went on: "Lester Grath, a respected war veteran from Tablanor, is with Ronald and his apprentices, and is carrying homing ravens with him. One of these flew home some days ago, bearing Mister Grath's report that they had crossed the north polar zone and come down into Upper Wenzeppu. The bird's homecoming was not a secret, and Mister Johnston learned what the message was. I confess I never heard of Upper Wenzeppu before."

"It, and its neighbor Lower Wenzeppu, are full of decent civilized people," Colonel Zaptrim volunteered; "though they're low in technology, and few of them venture farther abroad than the immediately adjacent lands. Rather like the sister nations of Brishlo and Brishdar, back west, whom we helped against the Bloody Diggers. But some Loi-Kikoro and Loi-Hukshem, neighbors to my land of Bamulica, have been there, and they found the people of both Wenzeppues to be reasonably well behaved toward all visitors who came in peace."

Setbari said, "My people have heard of the existence of a place called Wenzeppu--never heard it was 'upper' and 'lower;' but none of us ever came anywhere near there, even by airship."

Sazka unconsciously duplicated the Queen's recent shrug. "Then I suppose that nothing the Last Towerman is currently doing has any effect on us here."
 
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On any world with an atmosphere, the air (be it oxygenated or not) will circulate in accordance with temperature and other conditions. The atmosphere of Punksteema was profoundly affected by its moon, which was far smaller than the moon of any true Earth-variant, but which magically orbited _inside_ the planet's atmosphere without crashing _onto_ the planet. Due to lunar tidal effect, the air above the Equatorial Ocean invariably moved from west to east. So did the ocean's permanent current; only along the north and south continental shelves, and a short way beyond these, did seawater curve back westward.

The atmosphere likewise eddied back over the northern coast of Wellvernia and the southern coast of Arcondoyla. But with increased latitude away from the ocean, air movement ceased to be defined by following or escaping the sky-river. In temperate and frigid zones, north and south, other influences asserted themselves. This included Punksteema's axial tilt, although Punksteema's axis wasn't as deeply tilted as on any version of Earth. So the wind in those areas, right to the north and south poles, might blow in any direction.

Which left the Loi-Jeltua gentleman Kring Dakamish, captain of the Gogutai Canyon, as much compelled to deal with changing winds as an airship commander on any Earth-variant would be. During the present journey, Kring-- helped by Felipe Catalano's language-comprehension spells-- had enjoyed substantive discussions with Jizbrol Tazaff about issues of steering. Both men were familiar with changing altitude to find levels with desired wind directions. Things were made more complicated by their need to cover plenty of ground in the hunt for the Mifdolan traitor Prendok Fegsor. Wizard Felipe's mystic scanning had established that Lord Prendok was on an overland course toward Valtork, but plenty of trails were available to the murderer. Hence, Gogutai Canyon had been zigzagging. without the altitude changes, their supply of rocket boosters for horizontal steering might have been exhausted in the first two days airborne.

Felipe had proven the practical value of his fact-finding power sufficiently, that no one on board the airship thought of him as loafing when he would stand at this or point along the gondola rail, staring into space. On whatever day best meshes with overall chronology in this epic, crewmen within hearing of the wizard heard him exclaim something in his own language. They were soon to learn that it was like the exclamation of someone hearing good news.

Felipe told Captain Dakamish, Donnie Tonka, and Zoralee Jeralo: "My macho cousin and Bear-Brother Hemrogo have captured ex-Guardsman Thellark! No other evildoers were caught with him, so it appears that Prendok still is our bird to catch. Hemrogo has Thellark tied on the back of the tundra bear Daintycrunch. They're heading back to Mifdola, with Billyboy scouting for possible outlaw ambushes."

Zoralee smiled. "Although I still pray for Billyboy to be human again, he _has_ been quite useful in his doomrat form. It would be nice if he could be a man again, yet be able to _resume_ his animal shape if he chooses."
 
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IN THE INDIA OF EARTH-WHICHEVER:

New Delhi had been the first city struck by the eventually-defeated Awkwardlispian invasion. After the tables were turned and the good-aligned undead lady Erica Vincent drained the powers of Twerpseid, Trippenwonk, and Twerpseid's children, almost all of the superheroes who had protected Earth-Whichever had moved on.

But Arush "Flying Elephant" Vhani (who could not actually fly) still was in town, with his recently-gained wife, the former Jelisaveta Sanjat. Jelisaveta, who had been tampered with by the Shadythings, had by now mastered her new ability to sense radio transmissions. Today, joined by Arush's old work friend Gunbir Parekh, they were showing a visitor around the largely-repaired neighborhoods. The visitor was a technician employed by Deepak Sengupta, who in turn was employed by Stony "Iron Gent" Stork. The technician's name was Pablita Cantu, and one reason why she was the person representing her absent boss' interests was because she spoke many languages including Hindi.

Gesturing toward four shattered apartment buildings which had not yet gotten farther in rebuilding than the removal of loose debris, Pablita looked at Arush. "Were those wrecks thoroughly searched for any dropped items of alien technology?"

"They were," Arush told her, "and nothing of that kind was found there."

Gunbir added, "Jelisaveta has been part of that search for alien hardware. She's proven able to detect electrical fields around such objects."

Pablita asked, "Is there no issue of unfamiliar energy types?"

"I'm no nuclear physicist," Arush admitted. "But the wires embedded in my wife's face were themselves made by a super-advanced alien civilization, so they probably would work with ANY kind of energy the Awkwardlispians know how to use."

'For what it's worth," said Jelisaveta, "my sensations when coming near alien machines are pretty much the same as when close to any human thing which uses electricity. Some kinds of energy must be the same on every planet."

"I believe you're right," Pablita replied. "And I'm glad that I don't have to restart my whole scientific education from zero."
 
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Deepak presently gave a ride in his limousine to Pablita, Jelisaveta, Arush and Gunbir. They drove to the largest intact fire station in the New Delhi area. The station commander, named Vanraj Akalush, had been entrusted with studying one intriguing souvenir of the thwarted invasion: a large piece of strong fabric which no one in India so far could match with any fibers native to Earth-Whichever.

This Earth-variant being behind most of its counterparts in science,, the term "nanotechnology" had not yet come into routine use, but the concept was understood by the most advanced researchers. Deepak believed that the cloth at the fire station had nanotechnological qualities. In this connection, during the drive, he remarked to his guests, "I wish some of the Awkwardlispians would come back here; I mean the friendly ones, of course."

"Even the Green Flashlights might have knowledge to explain this thing you're curious about," said Gunbir.

When they reached the station, Fire Captain Akalush met them. When Deepak asked if there were new developments, the captain told him, "Yes. We still don't know why it changes its own temperature, but now the NATURE of the changes, has changed. Instead of the entire sheet becoming warmer or cooler uniformly, separate QUARTERS of the sheet will change temperature independently. Never burning hot or freezing cold, but one section definitely different from the next."

"Unfindable Man!" Arush suddenly blurted out. "Excuse me, I'm remembering a conversation I had with Jimmy Sushi after the danger had passed. He had made his fire-elemental sister temporarily invisible several times during the battle; but he explained that he had needed to suppress infra-red light in a big space of air around her, or any foe able to see infra-red would know she was there anyway."

Deepak waggled a finger beside his head. "I think I see where you're going, Mister Vhani. If some of the invaders could see infra-red, or had goggles for it, then a heat source going on and off could be MEANINGFUL to them, like a Morse code blinker-lamp on a seagoing ship. And if the 'transmitter' had separate quadrants, then it would make a difference WHICH quadrants were warmed up at a given moment."

Captain Akalush nodded. "This would allow for a more complex code language. And Earthlings searching for modulated radio beams would have overlooked heat-and-cold alternations."

Pablita turned toward Jelisaveta. "It might have served as a relay. Missus Vhani, we can bring the fabric sheet close to a radio station. While that station is operating as usual, you can feel fluctuations in their output, and at the same time have your hands on the fabric, to determine if its temperature shifts correspond with changes in the radio signal."

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>>>> Unlike Anime Earth's history, the Red China of Earth-Whichever had followed the Original Earth timeline when students protested against Maoist rule in 1989-- and had killed numerous freedom-seekers in order to keep the elite in power. So, to this day-- also as on Original Earth-- Chinese industry leaned heavily on the slave labor of political prisoners.

On the day after Arush and Jelisaveta became involved in analyzing the hot-and-cold Awkwardlispian fabric, eight of the aforementioned Chinese dissidents got their Lao Gai sentences shortened-- by having their necks shortened. Sharbadil, one of the several captured War Witches in Chinese custody-- the one with satyr-like legs but otherwise looking fully human-- easily severed those eight heads as part of a display of her strength and precision. A fellow female applauded her skill: Brigadier General Kung Tai-Su, who was this China's nearest counterpart of the female civilian official who was overseeing Lex Loozor's gang on Seedubb Earth.

"Excellent, Comrade Sharbadil! You now have my endorsement-- from my lips to the Presidium in Beijing-- for your proposal. And since you have been by far the most cooperative of all our off-world guests, I will recommend that ALL the women to be transformed will be reshaped in YOUR likeness."

"Thank you, Brigadier. Enjoying the companionship of women who have my own body type, if not quite as strong as I, will make my service to the People's Republic even more satisfying than it already has been for me. How many of your women have been vetted as most likely to survive the body alterations?"

"Twenty-two of our female soldiers and police officers are judged to have better than a ninety percent probability of making the complete change unharmed. Another fourteen have been chosen-- they don't know this part-- precisely because they are deemed UNLIKELY to survive. These lesser women, if they die, or if they simply fail to change at all, will provide research material for how to make the process more efficient. And if in fact they do live AND make a successful transformation, so much the better."

"As you say, Brigadier. Has the Party decided yet whether to begin outward expansion BEFORE She-Hunk, Woman Torch and other metahumans return to Earth and thus are on hand to oppose us? My pride will not be wounded if they decide that it is necessary first to get Awkwardlispian laser and particle weapons into mass production."

"Yes, they do judge it wise to equip China's regular forces with at least five thousand new beam weapons, because any lesser firepower might fail to slay She-Hunk or the two Indian superheroes. With luck, though, some viable copies of you should be on their feet and ready for you to train them, well before all those rayguns are manufactured. At the same time, I hope that you can persuade your straight-legged sisters to cast their lot with the Party decisively. If all of you end up only as local enforcers AFTER a conquest, this will still be a valuable contribution to the cause of global unity."

The exotic satyr-lady nodded. "It shouldn't be hard. They know that you respect their might, and your form of governance is as close as we'll ever see again to the good old days following Granny Rudeness. I daresay they'll all be delighted to put down those ridiculous peace-loving Hindus."
 
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ELSEWHERE: The combined space-and-ground force built around ships of the Bubblewrap Coalition, ships which enjoyed improvements made possible by the Republic of Lots of Worlds, had pressed its advantage all the way to the homeworld of the cruel and vicious Barnsmell. Jacob Mossyhutch of the Long Distance Infantry, the short but valiant soldier based on one of Copperfox's favorite characters in John Ringo's Posleen War novels, was still with them, and by now was engaged to Raquel Delgado, the Bubblewrap Five security officer who had fallen for him despite his below-average height.

Jacob and Raquel were aboard the first landing shuttle to hit the surface of the Barnsmell planet. They mingled with human and Goldarnit infantry. Similarly to Moose Windchime's operation liberating Planet Takniss, high priority was given to freeing and protecting slaves on the planet-- the slaves in this case belonging to the technologically brilliant but individually timid Pindowny race. By landing ahead of other good guys, Jacob could place himself looking outward from the slave compounds, with the frightened Pindowny behind him, and fire his impossible gravity gun at any Barnsmell who showed themselves, without hitting any noncombatants.

As in earlier posts of this saga, each relativistic-speed pellet from the gravity gun could penetrate ten or twelve body-armored Barnsmell without even slowing down. If the readers infer that we will again see gravity-gun pellets roaming around the universe, the readers are correct.

One civilian, the silly but well-meaning Exeter Exxentrik, the chaplain credentialed by The Church of I'm Spiritual, Not Religious, undertook to calm the panic of the Pindowny, so they could be guided out of harm's way. As for those Barnsmell not killed by the liberators, Exeter would eventually set out to attempt reforming them.

At some point in the huge victory against evil, upon learning that the green-furred Pindowny possessed plotline-convenient language- translation capability, Raquel ended up telling them about Master Drool and his Flapjack workers who maintained the Great Artifact. She was surprised to learn that the Pindowny already knew about Planet Upsydaisylon; before Drool's birth, a previous keeper of the Artifact had paid a holographic visit to a planet settled by Pindowny. The just-rescued former slaves were desirous to re-establish contact with the Artifact.

The telepath Chelsea Sandalzon verified that the cute green people had no evil intentions in this matter. Jacob could affirm, from experiences on his native Ringjonn Earth and on other worlds, that he had never met a Pindowny he didn't like. Thus another crossover between parallel threads in The Never-Stopping Story was reinforced.
 
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One of Jacob's gravity-gun pellets, traversing galactic expanses, found an Earth-variant which has not been mentioned on this thread for a very long time. It was the fairly ordinary Earth whose biggest variations had to do with music. Novelty singer Anthony Vincent, the worthy successor to Weird Al Yankovic, was now the planetary president of this Earth by popular acclaim, while the ultra-gorgeous metal singer Madeleine Liljestam was his vice-president. Also, several direct counterparts of Original Earth artists had lived much longer than their originals. For instance, Jimi Hendrix was still alive here.

Streaking into this Earth's atmosphere at a shallow angle, the impossible pellet found another longer-lived copy: this Earth's duplicate of Stevie Ray Vaughn, the best white blues guitarist who ever lived. The tiny ceramic sphere just barely grazed Stevie's arm, knocking him off balance but doing him no serious harm. By the time a baffled Stevie regained his feet, the pellet was out in space again..... carrying away several of the musician's body cells with DNA intact.

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On a comic-bookish inhabited planet which has appeared only once before in my saga-- the one whose snake-like natives had been protected against Twerpseid by Chuck Norris and Mister T-- the obnoxious Antimerica Chutzpah was delivering an obnoxiously boastful speech to some of those natives. With complete disregard of the snaky people's knowledge to the contrary, she stubbornly claimed that it had been SHE who saved them from a conquest by Planet Awkwardlisp. Everything was about Antimerica Chutzpah, and anyone who said otherwise was lying because he was intimidated by strong independent wammuns.

As puffs of steam began shooting out of the spoiled brat's ears, her tirade was cut off by something too fast for anyone to see. All the natives could make out was that the metahuman girl fell sideways to her left, landing twenty feet from where she had been standing, with blood leaking from holes in both her cheeks, mainly the left one. Her teeth were intact, since her mouth had been wide open when the relativistic pellet punctured her face. When some of the natives hastily slithered to her side, not wishing EVEN such a harridan to die, they found that her tongue was also damaged. A bleeding tongue is a tricky injury to deal with, but the snaky people succeeded in stopping the bleeding, then stitching up the tongue while she remained fortunately unconscious.

When she awoke, Antimerica discovered that she could no longer speak clearly. It took a focused effort for her to utter two or three words even sort-of comprehensibly. Once sure that the young narcissist was in no danger of dying, the natives allowed themselves to feel pleasure at being relieved from her haranguing. But only after the embarrassed would-be goddess made her exit through a reality-hole did the benevolent reptiles begin laughing out loud.

As for the ceramic pellet which had entered Antimerica's right cheek, it exited atmosphere just as the previously-mentioned pellet had done. But unlike the pellet carrying Stevie Ray Vaughn's DNA, this one detoured through the corona of the local sun, ensuring that it would NEVER be the cause of Antimerica Chutzpah being duplicated.
 
In Urbanopolis, which was the Seedubb Earth counterpart of New York City, a crimefighter usually found on the West Coast in Startled City was lending the Bats-Family a hand while Batfellow and Evening-Wing (now renamed Duskwing) were out of the solar system. (Lucius Fixxit, alias Flatwing, still was on the West Coast with his new sweetheart Kelly-Faye Merrick, the woman who worked for Birchbark Paper Mills.) The fill-in hero was Alister Quade, alias Green Crossbow, the fiance of Miss Fertility Stoke.

A crime boss known as Black Visor had begun trying to fill the organized-crime vacuum in Urbanopolis caused by this Earth's version of the Joker being behind bars. A few rank-and-file hoodlums who had formerly served the Wisecracker were now in Black Visor's employ, and had given him the locations of several hideouts never yet found by the police or even by Batfellow.

Using the surveillance suite in the Bat-Grotto, Catfemale, Huntergirl, Lucius Fixxit's father Virgil, and Alphonse Nickelworth determined with a 96 percent certainty where one of those hideouts was, and resolved to try a flush-out routine. Harpy Nickelworth stayed out of it, because she was now expecting a baby. One hour before the real sweep started, Degreaser, the girl fighter from the Teen Tryouts, joined Captain Patriot for a diversionary attack on gangs along the waterfront. This did mislead Black Visor, though his basic evacuation plan still held.

Because Alphonse had been miraculously restored to the strength and fitness he had enjoyed while in the British Army, with most people remaining unaware of this fact, Virgil suggested that they pretend Batfellow had secretly returned to Earth. Alphonse could wear a Batfellow costume which had been prepared for him weeks ago, in case of just such an occasion. "Bat-Phonse," as Harpy dubbed him, could drive the Bat-Car, use some of Batfellow's trapping and snaring devices, and punch out criminals' lights quite adequately. He was out of practice climbing vertical surfaces, but this was not expected to become necessary.

With squads of police flanking them, what was on hand of the Bats-Family would advance from the north, into the northernmost of the neighborhoods known to contain hideouts. They and the police would capture crooks immediately as opportunity offered; but it was hoped that CHASING them south would frighten still-concealed crooks into fleeing and thus revealing themselves. It was like a deer hunt with bush-beaters, hoping to flush the dominant stag out into the open: Black Visor.

And unguessed by the gangsters, Alister patiently waited in the south for the game to be driven toward him.
 
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Black Visor showed himself within Green Crossbow's sight. He had six fan-lifted aircars ready to evacuate his men. He and the aircar pilots had inflicted non-fatal bullet wounds to the left shoulders of a dozen policemen who tried to nab them just before Green Crossbow got into position. But the super-archer, perched on a convenient ledge, had his own surprises ready.

Since this Green Arrow variant used crossbows instead of pull-bows, he carried Asian over-and-under crossbows that could each have two quarrels notched and ready at the same time. And since this arrangement still gave him a slower long-term rate of shots than a pull-bow archer enjoyed, he had compensated by devising crossbow arrows even more outlandish than in Green Arrow comic books on Original Earth.

The first and second quarrels he shot were specialized to untie people's shoes. Sending these in a high arc above and past the criminals nearest to his position, he caused the shoes of the two fleeing crooks closest to joining Black Visor to be tripped up. This impeded other gangsters trying to reach the waiting aircars. The next two crossbow arrows were aimed at the two closest of the aircars, and uploaded a virus into their flight computers. After that, Green Crossbow ducked out of sight to reload. And quick though he was in this, a melee had been joined by the time he was done. But he had expected as much, and all four of the reloads were blunt-headed knockdown bolts. If any of these accidentally struck friendlies, they would not inflict any serious damage.

Not that Green Crossbow was likely ever to make a mistake when shooting.

"Bat-Phonse" brought the Batcar in close before halting, and momentarily switched its headlamps to "dazzle mode" before shutting off the engine and emerging in his armored costume. The dazzling of hostiles ensured that Batfellow's wife and daughter, who had been using hang gliders, would not get shot on their landing approach.

The faithful butler and rejuvenated war veteran was not going to let any member of the Dwayne family die on his watch.

Saltina and Elaine came in on either side of the substitute Batfellow, and the fight was on. The crooks had not received the memo that any man was REQUIRED to fall down helplessly if kicked by a woman half his weight, so Catfemale and Huntergirl actually could in theory get hurt. Accordingly, neither the mother nor the daughter complained about "patriarchy" when Major Nickelworth of the Royal Army Special Forces (who furthermore enjoyed much more protection in his costume than they in theirs) tackled the largest men among their adversaries. All three of them did well, even though no sound-effect words appeared in the air to encourage them.
 
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COPPERFOX'S LAPTOP IS IN A REPAIR SHOP _AGAIN_ THIS WEEK, SO I'M LETTING HIM CONTINUE THE FIGHT SCENE THROUGH MY ACCOUNT.
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From his vantage point, Green Crossbow spotted a single aircar set aside from the others, out of sight for anyone in the midst of the battle on the street. He guessed correctly that the aerial vehicle had been positioned as a means for Black Visor to escape alone if necessary. The gang lord suddenly fleeing from the Bats-Family confirmed this. But the West Coast crimefighter used a rappelling line to descend in front of the East Coast villain, and a one-on-one fight ensued.

Black Visor's pistols were out of ammunition, but he drew forth a telescoping steel baton and a saw-edged knife. He struck equally hard and fast with both hands, and for the first half-minute it was all the good guy could do to block the weapon attacks with one of his currently-unloaded crossbows. In the course of this, the exposed upper bowstring of this double crossbow got severed by the knife in Black Visor's right hand, and the body of the weapon was damaged by the steel baton.

"That custom-built arbalest cost me eighteen thousand dollars!" roared the super-archer, then did a leg-sweep which took the gangster's feet out from under him. Seconds later, Green Crossbow and Black Visor were struggling and wrestling all over the place. This would eventually conclude in victory for Green Crossbow-- but not before the other good guys were allowed the time for more action.

Shortly before this attempted criminal evacuation of Urbanopolis, Black Visor had sprung the inhumanly-strong villain El Ogro Feo out of prison. El Ogro, still intimidated by Groan Starr Ashtrayides after Groaner had vanquished him by telekinesis, had refused to escape until he was informed that Groaner had left Seedubb to go visit other planets. But once assured of this, El Ogro had been more than glad to be free, hoping to get revenge on the only NON-superpowered hero who had ever beaten him one-to-one.

And now, as far as El Ogro knew, that WAS the real Batfellow fighting beside Catfemale and Huntergirl.

llll
 
Just one of the aircars made a clean getaway, carrying three gangsters. When a second flier left the ground, Catfemale and Huntergirl each hurled a grappling hook into one of its lift fans, bringing the craft back to the pavement and knocking the wind out of the men in it. But an instant later, both women fell victim to an unusual bit of subtlety from El Ogro.

The bulky outlaw had palmed half of a broken brick in each hand; now he threw these at Batfellow's wife and daughter. As soon as the Bats-butler saw the start of the throwing motion, he shouted "Duck!" even as he charged El Ogro. Saltina and Elaine both dropped down without waiting to look for what the danger was. Their evasive action almost came too late; each one's head still was grazed, mildly stunning them instead of cracking their skulls. But enough police officers were still functional to clean up such rank-and-file crooks as were also still functional. The imitation Batfellow thus could make like the real Batfellow.

In the Royal Army Special Forces, Alphonse had been a prizewinning boxer. Closing in, yet showing fine dodging skill even at close quarters, he pummeled El Ogro first from one side, then from the other side. But with the oversized thug having well over twice Alphonse's weight-- and in view of the actual Batfellow having done more than punching a stone-hard ribcage when he defeated El Ogro Feo-- Alphonse would also do more now. And Alphonse was a war veteran who had killed men in battle.

Just when El Ogro believed that the Caped Campaigner was being unimaginative, the incognito butler dived low..... suddenly holding an army knife, which completely severed the tendon in one of the villain's ankles, making him topple face-first. The good guy was not inflicting a fatal wound, and therefore was not violating the Bats-Family's no-killing rule. Neither was it a violation when Alphonse dropped an elbow onto the back of El Ogro's neck; the force of this could have slain a normal man, but Alphonse knew that El Ogro's neck would not break. It was enough that the blow stopped the villain from struggling further.

Alphonse had imitated Brutus Dwayne's voice before on the telephone, but there was no need to speak. What mattered was jumping up and confirming that the ladies who were part of his family were safe. They were, and those cops who still were ambulatory were mopping up. The most remarkable sight was Green Crossbow dragging Black Visor along to be formally arrested.

When Saltina and Elaine had a chance to speak to Alphonse privately (after thanking Green Crossbow for his assistance), they both assured their quasi-uncle that he had more than sufficiently filled in as Batfellow; that Urbanopolis was much better off now; and that from now on, his wife Harpy and their coming baby needed him to stay safe and close to them.
 
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TO RECALL SOME OF WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON LATELY---

On Jersey Earth: The Heart Sapphire Sisters, who ruined this whole Earth's infrastructure by crazily finding fault with every industry and institution, had finally come to their senses. When last seen, they were working in good faith to repair the damage they caused. Visiting superheroes, like The Fantastic Two, stayed around and also contributed to the reconstruction. But some really stupid adolescent boys carried on the very nonsense which the Sapphire Sisters had initiated. Led by the extra-stupid Sawyer Boyd (the one who claims to be a giant lizard), they startlingly acquired their own version of Heart Sapphire powers, and then flew away to a different Earth-variant, the one which has a version of The Avengers.

In the Directvideo star system, where this entire saga began: Professor Jean Yuss, one of those who had shifted Planet Spacebull to the side of good, used her world's time-reviewing apparatus (derived from Mel Brooks' movie) for the benefit of King Lowbrain. With Parson Levvelhedd also present, they watched the recent experiences of Duke Diskoduck. While serving as the Directvidean ambassador to Planet Cakebun, Diskoduck had encountered a plotline-convenient ancient artifact. The artifact had given Diskoduck a peculiar super-power: in effect, the ability to stop time and change things. Jean Yuss decided to take her ship to where Diskoduck was, and find out more about the Duke's new gift. No less than Aslan Himself endorsed this plan.

In plot arcs related to animated Star Wars: My version of Mace Windu, in charge of a ship commandeered from Thuglyfe Skrawn's fleet after Planet Takniss was liberated, kept looking for opportunities to encourage resistance against the Empire of Evil Badness. Meanwhile, my version of Asajj Ventress, having conclusively returned to the side of good and having married my version of Obi-Wan Kenobi, resigned her function of guarding caravans on Planet Kummanokkin. The veteran soldier Vin Gasleen assumed this function in her place. Then my Ventress and my Obi-Wan went to a mineral-rich Imperial world, to liberate enslaved miners who were being slowly poisoned by lithium.

In my version of the "She-Ra" story-reality: With my version of He-Man's world having been freed from all presence of evil powers (my version of Skeletor actually having gotten killed dead), my version of Hordak found himself on the defensive, dreading a huge invasion by He-Man-type characters in support of the She-Ra-type characters. To his relief, the mighty Equivvalentor, the self-styled Neutral Dragon of Reasonableness, placed some limits on how many superheroes could join the war on Planet Anoxia. But one high-grade superhero nonetheless was able to come to the assistance of She-Wow's army: my version of Beta Ray Bill from Thor comics.

On Earth-Whichever: The Communist China of this Earth, having custody of several War Witches who had been captured when the Awkwardlispian invasion was foiled, was using them as resource persons for military development. Meanwhile, the Hindu superhero Flying Elephant and his sort-of-bionic wife Jelisaveta were helping their government to investigate alien technology (no connection with Diskoduck's experience). They are eagerly awaiting the return of Stony Stork, alias Iron Gent, and Doc Slippage; these two men are the most qualified natives of Earth-Whichever to oversee the adaptation of Awkwardlispian science for human use.
 
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ON THE SOUTH COAST OF THE NORTH CONTINENT ON PUNKSTEEMA:

Jutmeddu Bishtal, the elderly widowed businesswoman from N'Dazpor across the Equatorial Ocean, had found plenty of business to engage in among the Elsitobri (accent the third syllable) people. They were familiar with N'Dazporhai merchandise, and many of their leading citizens knew Jutmeddu personally. The goods she had brought along on the steamship Speculation included a heavy crate of high-quality leather- bound books from N'Dazpor's robust publishing industry.

She attended one worship service with a local congregation of the Long Quest Church Alliance, a Christian denomination whose members enjoyed an impressive record of casting out evil spirits and breaking curses. By linguistic evolution, they referred to Jesus Christ as "Ishwa," but it was the real Christ they served. In the heyday of Towermen and Smoke Maidens, Long Quest clergymen had regularly cooperated with those two noble fellowships. It was fitting, then, that Reeblin Dessdorp, one of the chief women in the local congregation, uttered a prophecy. It was from the Holy Spirit; absent sorcery, which Long Quest followers didn't practice, there was no mortal way in which Reeblin could have known the information she uttered:

"Sister Jutmeddu, God wants you to linger in port until a party of your fellow southerners can overtake you. They do not yet KNOW that they are overtaking you, but their path is meant to join yours for a time. They are four women, plus a man who is the son of one of the women. They have a destiny to assist in the restoration of the Towermen and the Smoke Maidens."

When Reeblin paused, Jutmeddu said nothing to dispute the prophecy, but asked: "Then does the Lord require me to devote the rest of my life to this? Because it would need at least that much time for the gunslinger saints to become a force in this world again."

"No, sister, not that long. But the ones who will soon overtake you, after they meet you here, will need to journey overland for many hundreds of miles, to the northeast. They will need your material support for at least an early stage of this trek. No, you're not commanded to make the whole trip with them; but it will be shown to you how you are to aid them."

Jutmeddu drew a long breath. "Has the Spirit at least revealed to you what is the destination for these voyagers?"

"Yes; or perhaps I should say, their FIRST destination. I know that you've heard of Wenzeppuland. They'll be heading for there."
 
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