Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

AT LAST, WE RETURN TO THE "SPACEBALLS" TAKEOFF WHICH _BEGAN_ THIS WHOLE SERIAL.

In the capital of Planet Directvideo, King Lowbrain welcomed a visit by Professor Jean Yuss, the top scientist of Planet Spacebull which was now friendly to Directvideo and Chimpanzia. Professor Yuss brought with her one of the past-events-observation devices which were the most sophisticated product of Spacebullion technology. Since using the device required the presence of someone having some connection with the events to be observed, the presence of the Directvidean ruler was perfect for enabling a review of his daughter Vixen's adventures.

When they were caught up with what Vixen and Groaner had been doing, a court official nudged Lowbrain. "Sire, you also have a nephew. Duke Diskoduck? The man who restored your world's forests to good condition? The man who is now your ambassador to the Bakesum star system, and who is now married to a true-hearted space pilot named Wilma Dearthing, who looks just like the Original Earth actress Erin Grey in her prime?"

"Oh, right, him. Sure, let's have a look."

Jean Yuss didn't consider this a secret activity, so she allowed everybody nearby to gather around.

Everybody was in for a surprise.

There was a fleeting view of Diskoduck and Wilma in their ambassadorial residence on Planet Cakebun. For some reason, Wilma was peering closely at her husband's forehead. Diskoduck's participation in the investigation of an alien artifact had been reported, but no one on Directvideo had been told about the Duke's peculiar new superpower. Nor did this time-scan reveal the facf of that odd power to the onlookers.

Before the mark on Diskoduck's forehead became obvious to anyone, the visual field of the time-scanner was filled with a flying-through-dimensions effect, similar to what used to frame the credits for episodes of "Doctor Who" in the early Tom Baker period.

"Is this a signal failure?" asked the King.

"No, Your Majesty," replied Professor Yuss. "This indicates that the Duke's present circumstances are somehow connected with events which happened long before he was born."

The device never did manage a clear visual display of what was that far back in the past. But there was a blurry impression of some sort of people, who seemed to be looking at someone offscreen. The offscreen speaker's voice was-- unlike any voice uttered by a mortal; but all the people in Lowbrain's palace who heard this voice felt a wish to meet the speaker.

"Do not worry," said the voice to the people on screen. "I will not allow the artifacts you distribute on various worlds to become a cause of spiritual evil. No cults will be built around them. They will simply serve as colorful science fiction-type items, part of The Never-Stopping Story."

And this was the conclusion of the current viewing.
 
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Everybody looked at each other.

Parson Levvelhedd, currently filling in for Rabbishop Malarkey, was the first to speak: "Yes, that WAS the Almighty, putting in an appearance in such a way that our narrator can indicate his faith without stirring up any arguments. Existing as we do in a world removed from Original Earth, and being patterned as we are after fictional characters, although we really do exist and really have souls, it is possible for us to experience bunches of way-out fantasy elements without being guilty of disrespecting God."

King Lowbrain blinked at the cleric. "I somehow feel sure that you're correct. Why did you never say things like this before?"

"No one ever asked me before, Your Majesty."

Jean Yuss lightly placed a hand on Levvelhedd's shoulder. "If you have this much insight, maybe if you sit in front of the time-scanner, it will show us more of what the Creator ordained in that star system."

So Levvelhedd sat down in front of the device.
 
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As soon as the Parson touched the On switch, weird vocal music filled the room for twelve or fifteen seconds. Had any of them realized it, the music was a strange choir piece which had been used in the Original Earth movie "2001, A Space Odyssey." It was the track played in the scene where the alien slab gives the apes new intelligence.

When the music faded, the viewing screen revealed a form like a splendid maned lion. Even those onlookers (Levvelhedd included) who knew nothing about Original Earth lions, felt the awe that a CERTAIN Lion would inspire.

Then the Voice which had spoken to the unknown aliens, was heard again.

"My good son Levvelhedd, it remains your duty to minister to your own people on your native planet; but it is because I have regard for your faithfulness, and for Diskoduck's wish to do right, that I am causing this machine to reveal useful facts." Then AsaLion caused rapid-fire images to play out on the scanner, and to be indelibly downloaded into the watchers' brains. This presentation covered well-meaning super-aliens placing their oblong artifact on a moon of an outer planet of the Bakesum System, and made clear how much potential Duke Diskoduck now possessed as the chosen recipient of the artifact's power.

"But some of you will need to go and TELL Diskoduck about this."

AsaLion fell silent, so Jean Yuss and Parson Levvelhedd began discussing who should be chosen to go meet with the amiable Duke. Which meant that Copperfox needed to imagine two or three NEW characters, who would travel to meet Diskoduck.
 
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The Spacebullion space service possessed much better interstellar communication technology than anything developed on Directvideo, let alone Chimpanzia. Professor Yuss contacted her government, and received a go-ahead to use her ship for an investigation of Duke Diskoduck's mysterious gift. Three of her crewmembers would remain on Directvideo, where they would serve as temporary faculty at the planet's only astronautics academy.

The vacant berths were filled by three Directvidean women, all single, who had some experience both in crewing a spaceship and in shooting guns. Their names were Margie, Nelly and Purdie. The three Spacebullion astronauts remaining with Jean Yuss were men, all single, named Matthew, Nestor and Pretorius. Each man had similar color of skin and hair as the same-initialed woman. Upon their introduction, each woman looked at all of the men, and vice versa. Then all six of them, casually but in exact unison, said, "Naaaaah, too predictable."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Spacebullion ship sent a faster-than-light radio message to the Bakesum System as soon as it was clear of the system containing Directvideo and Chimpanzia. There was no reason to scramble the transmission; it was programmed to be received on all radio frequencies used by Cakebunters, and it contained no secret information.

"Calling the Directvidean Ambassador on Cakebun, or anyone associated with him! This is Jean Yuss, chief scientist of Planet Spacebull, the planet which recently rejected the down-side of The Fuss and embraced the up-side. Ambassador Diskoduck, we estimate our arrival in the Bakesum System within three standard days after you will receive this transmission. We further estimate that we will be more than halfway to you before a reply from you is able to reach us. Our purpose in this visit is to offer you technical support. We request a summary of your diplomatic activities when possible."
 
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On Seedubb Earth, the reformed Face Twister Maskoflage was pulling off an undercover stunt with Catfemale and Huntergirl. (Much of the Bats-Family still was off-world at present.) A prison escape by The Baffler had been simulated, and Maskoflage was posing as that riddling rogue. A supposed jewelry-store break-in by The Baffler was then staged in Columbus, Ohio; all the "stolen" jewelry had actually been provided by Dwayne Enterprises.

Now, in Louisville, Kentucky, a motorcycle chase was in progress, with Saltina and her daughter chasing the supposed escaped convict. The Louisville police were giving an Oscar-winning performance, pretending always to go the wrong way in efforts to catch The Baffler. At last, the desired result was achieved: a long-elusive criminal, believed to be hiding out in Louisville, finally showed herself.

Jetpack Jolene, a beautiful thief with extensive aviation experience, had once had a thing for Batfellow herself, and so had seen Catfemale as an arch-enemy, even before Saltina underwent the moral transformation without which no she-crook would ever have had a chance with the Caped Campaigner. Jolene and Saltina had had a dozen terrific fights; each of these had seen Catfemale gaining the upper hand over Jetpack, but only with serious difficulty. Two fights between Jolene and Huntergirl had each ended in a draw. Jolene had gotten away at the end of most of these fights; the others had seen the foxy flier being arrested, but always escaping sooner or later.

And The Baffler had twice been the one to spring her. So Jolene felt she owed something to this purveyor of puzzles.

As Jolene came swooping to air-lift the man she didn't realize was Maskoflage, a startling surprise met her literally in midair. The also-reformed villain Glueface, won to the light weeks ago by Harpy Nickelworth, was LEVITATED right in front of her, his movement including horizontal movement to reduce the impact. Caught by the sticky metahuman (who could switch his adhesive power on and off at will), Jolene was helplessly immobilized. An unseen power switched off the ignition. Then captor and captive were safely lowered to the street.

All of this had been brought about through The Fuss-- wielded by a Groan Starr whose confidence and skill had grown wonderfully.
 
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A local police sergeant named Rogene Bridgerton was the senior police presence at this bust. She was acquainted with the Bats-Family. "Catfemale, my Commissioner might never say it, but we're grateful for your intervention. One time, Jolene caused one of our helicopters to crash, because the pilot swerved hard to avoid killing her. I hope she NEVER gets out of the state slammer."

"We appreciate being appreciated. I have a request. Could you arrange for Groaner to be present when she's questioned? He wouldn't need to be IN the interrogation room; just nearby, outside the room, with one of your earbugs, would be good enough."

Rogene raised an eyebrow. "Can he read minds as well as levitate stuff?"

"Not in exact detail, thought by thought. But he accurately senses emotions, can usually tell what general subject a person has in mind..... and can ALWAYS tell if they're lying. Makes his wife glad she's already always truthful with him."

"That wouldn't be admissible in court."

"But YOU would have the information," Huntergirl put in. "What Groaner uncovers might help you catch other crooks that she knows."

The sergeant nodded. "For sure."

Glueface now drew near. "Maybe some of the folks you catch that way might get led to the good side, like I was."

"And like me!" said Maskoflage. He remained in the likeness of The Baffler for the time being, because they didn't want Jetpack Jolene telling other convicts HOW Maskoflage had so effectively disguised himself.
 
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After Groan assisted with the interrogation of Jetpack Jolene, Alphonse Nickelworth came to Louisville from Urbanopolis (this world's version of New York City, with a heavy Gotham City flavor) on board an executive jet, and accompanied the Starrs from there to Generic Large City (like Chicago), where Spark Laboratories was based.

They were met by Blue Junebug of the Teen Tryouts, and by Spark Labs researcher Edison Einstein Marconi, who had worked for N.A.S.A. and still spoke to them on behalf of his new outfit. "It's ready," Edison told the couple. Junebug added, "The one Dr. Marconi built first for N.A.S.A. works well, so there should be no problem with yours."

Edison went on: "It seats four, has necessary sanitary and ration-storage arrangements, and has bunk space for one person at a time to sleep. Having the specs on your original ship, I designed this one so it can be docked against the Falcon's hull for long-term travel."

The newswoman Irish North was in attendance to cover the presentation of the new ship to the Starrs. "Do you have an idea for a name?" she asked Groan.

"I named the big one," Groan replied. "Princess, do you have a suggestion for a ship name?"

Vixen kissed him, then said, "Let's give it a related name: the Potassium Partridge."

The couple's next stop was a visit to Doctor Unusual, who could magically dig up information on what each one's relatives were doing. In this way, Groan learned about his mother and sister liberating Planet Gumwad, while Vixen learned that her cousin Diskoduck had acquired a weird superpower which didn't seem to fit the usual metahuman categories.

Vixen agreed that, if either side of the family needed their help, it would be the Ashtrayides side.
 
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Since the Skrunks and the Sly Evolutionary had been dealt with by cooperating heroes, the Earth-variant called "Terra" had been at peace for more than a month. But evildoers don't have to be superhuman to be a threat, if they're determined and merciless.

North Africa was "quiet, TOO quiet." With progressive administrations leading both Morocco and Egypt, and enjoying cooperative agreements with Spain, Italy and the (sub-Saharan) African Union, the Central Sahara had seen little activity by extremists. But the birds who reported to Katuva "Sky Lioness" Walton had been picking up disturbing hints of-- something. This being so, Katuva had used her own flight power to come up to Cairo, bringing with her Brad Sarfaraz of The Brickhawks.

In Cairo, they met with an Egyptian Navy officer, Captain Razim Omar, who in turn took them with him to Morocco by jet, to confer with Tarik Almohad. Tarik's distinguished service had elevated him to the rank of a full colonel, making him equal in prestige to a NAVAL captain.

In Marrakesh, they were welcomed not only by Tarik but also by his wife, the former Hamhanda Blubber (also FORMERLY ugly and FORMERLY cynical). Hamhanda wore a hijab which concealed her hair, but was not required to suffocate herself inside a burka. The Colonel's superiors had not objected to his including Hamhanda in the meeting, since no one could deny that she possessed vast knowledge about the forces of evil-- to which until recently she had belonged.

On the screen of an open laptop, she showed the visitors four successive images of what looked like glass sculptures lying on sand. "These symbols, if deliberate symbols they are, were discovered in various parts of Algeria by ordinary persons. An extraordinary source of heat must have suddenly fused the sand into glass to form the shapes.Miss Walton, have you ever seen anything like them?"

Katuva nodded. "They look as if they come from the traditional visual decorations of the ancient civilization in Timbuktu-- a civilization of which, as you know, hardly any white person in the Western Hemisphere has ever heard."

Captain Omar looked at the superheroine. "Do they have a meaning that you know of?"

"I think so. Their meaning would be something along the lines of, 'There is great evil and treachery afoot, but the readers have to wait for at least another day to find out what it is'."

"Not that long to receive one clue, at least," Tarik interjected. "After the operation against the Sly Evolutionary, four of our soldiers deserted, and they may have taken with them some genetic samples from the Evolutionary's field laboratory."

"That would count as treachery," Brad remarked.
 
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Down in Chad, south of Libya, stood a high-tech maximum-security prison sponsored by the African Union. A dozen Skrunks were incarcerated here; and so were the major super-villains Lady Blast and Red Slaughter.

The holdouts from the weakened Boko Hassan terror-gang had no interest in the Skrunks, who might at any time turn against humans associated with them. But the Terra-born metahumans had already worked with Boko Hassan before, and could be counted on to appreciate being sprung out of prison.

The deserters from the battle against mutant beasts in Spain had had time to use the genetic material they stole. They had bred two types of large poisonous snakes. One species produced a venom which could rapidly corrode metals; the other species had a non-fatal venom which made the victim easy to command. Using these, the Boko Hassan members made prison guards obey them as needed; and any door that the controlled guards couldn't open, the corrosion-snakes could penetrate.

Red Slaughter and Lady Blast were soon at liberty, and the terrorists were correct in expecting that the two super-villains would be gratefui to them rather than suddenly murder them. Red Slaughter asked, "Can you find Captain Sha-Na-Na for me to kill?" He did not, however, take his disappointment out on his rescuers when they admitted they had no idea where Sha-Na-Na was at present.

Commandeering trucks that belonged to the prison, the bad guys made a clean getaway. But they did not know, any more than Hamhanda Almohad knew, what those fused-glass objects meant.

Nonetheless, they WERE smart evildoers. With no superpowers, just science and clever planning, they possessed the means to transport their metahuman allies in such secrecy, that it took the wizard Conn Johnstantine to determine that they HADN'T used magic.
 
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On Planet Greedy Crime, Baron Meedi Ogre Snarkonnen received a visit from the evil immortal Kuth-Hula-Hoop. It had a timely warning for all Snarkonnens. "The Ashtrayides are coming for you soon! They are serenely confident now, after a victory over the Hotblood Matrons. You are already weakened; it's time to write off your losses. A powerful ruler of evil hordes is about to reach out to you: Crowdhack of The Mob, from the same sub-universe to which you loaned your scientists Negafemina and Specularkus. Crowdhack's people will gladly evacuate you and everyone of importance to you, so you can make a fresh start at being rotten on Planet Anoxia."

Barely three hours after Kuth-Hula-Hoop finished his warning and vanished, Snarkonnen communications personnel received a call from a Mob officer. On videocall screens, he looked a bit like Peter Jackson's concept of the "Mouth of Sauron," only less handsome. But his ugliness counted in his favor with Snarkonnens.

"Is Baron Meedi Ogre on the frequency?"

"This is he. And our galactic-search files indicate that you are Fleet Commander Ogpostassik."

"That is correct. I urge you to expedite your withdrawal from this planet. I can lend more ships if needed."

Meedi raised an uneven eyebrow. "What, are you going to exterminate everyone left behind when we're clear?"

Ogpostassik sighed. "That would be fun. But Copperfox, acting for AsaLion, would stop us from doing that. So we'll continue under our more comicbook-ish paradigm. You must compile a list of how many people you want to take with you to Anoxia. More than one trip is possible, but better if we get all desired emigrants out the first time.

"We are especially interested in your skills for psychological warfare: making people GIVE UP HOPE that goodness can prevail. Sorry to say, in my own sub-universe, goodness has ENJOYED VICTORIES against our side. So eroding the other side's confidence would be most useful right now."

"If that's your position, it might be worth your master's while also to fetch Candham Calamari off of Lousy Sekondhanstor. He has Truth-Babblers who could greatly reinforce any hope-crushing strategy."

Ogpostassik appeared to look at something offscreen. Then: "You're talking about the deposed head of your old empire. He doesn't come into my present mission orders, but Crowdhack might approve of a second expedition to extract him from exile."

While the evacuation shuttles were descending on Filthopolis, Copperfox was trying to remember where he last left Blender and Quarkie. He would have to keep it unstated where they were, until he was sure.
 
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Over on Planet Anoxia, the Lazytaxie couple Negafemina and Specularkus were with Crowdhack in a secure underground facility. Part of it being secure was that, using plotline-convenient science-approximating-magic, the ruler of The Mob had shielded this location against any possible psychic or mystical spying that Equivvalentor might attempt. Though the sinister spouses were not members of the Spaced-Out Guild, they were telling Crowdhack everything they could about how the Guild's instant-jump starships worked. He even encouraged them to fill in with guesses when they were unsure about some detail, provided they made it clear which parts WERE guesses.

When they had covered all the ground they could-- including the ways in which personal shields were functionally related to the Naughtygator ships-- Crowdhack took the discussion onto a tangent.

"Have you two ever heard of a Starhatch?"

Negafemina frowned in thought before she said: "We haven't heard that NAME. But if it means what it sounds like it means, we HAVE heard at least rumors of doorways into the fourth dimension, doorways which would let people on foot STEP across the universe the way a Naughtygator ship JUMPS across the universe."

Specularkus added: "On some occasions when we've been around Naughtygators, they've dropped remarks which might have meant that they were familiar with the theory behind such a dimensional door."

"All right," said Crowdhack. "I'm going to assign you two to work with Ickylinn the witch. We've been able to evacuate her from Alwaysurnia. Sorcery Lass hit her with some kind of draining spell which has left her unable to cast her own spells; but she still knows the PRINCIPLES of magic. The three of you will do what you can to determine whether we would be able here to manufacture a Starhatch-- or locate and use any already-existing ones."
 
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Equivvalentor's ban on Spacer Swimmers entering combat on Anoxia did not prohibit the Swimmers from transporting Alwaysurnians to Anoxia. Swimmer Moon and Chipmunkyusa accordingly flew Dolph Bluntgrin, Subsoila Bluntgrin, and Weapons-Man directly to She-Wow's primary headquarters, bringing two of the heavy particle-beam weapons which had formerly been installed at Spectrum Springs. Subsoila would create hardened earthworks to house the weapon mounts, and for additional ones which would eventually be built. Weapons-Man and Colonel Bluntgrin (he now enjoyed permanent promotion) would train Anoxian soldiers to use, maintain, and finally build these beam cannons.

After her work on local stationary defenses was completed, Subsoila gathered a team of expert miners, and they began work on a secret escape tunnel, in case of this Resistance stronghold getting overrun.

Before packing up and heading back to Anime Earth via Planet Hightone, the Spacer Swimmers transported volunteers from Planet Gagspoon to assist She-Wow's people with their technical skills. Before this transfer, Sorcery Lass put a spell on them to strengthen them for Anoxia's gravity.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Ten days after the departure of Swimmer Moon and her lot, She-Wow's army received an unexpected new compensation: unexpected not only by She-Wow, but equally unexpected by the person who arrived.

On a rainy, thundering night, at a camp other than the site where Weapons-Man and company were, Princess Advila was jolted awake in her tent-- by the tent being ripped open by something. A moment later, with her sword in hand (it was enchanted so it would never get her electrocuted in a thunderstorm), she saw that one of the two trees her tent-ridge had been tied to was also broken and splintered. Bowstring and Flatfoot came running to see if she was all right; since she was all right, all three of them approached the large humanoid figure sitting on the wet ground. Whoever he was, he took no notice of them, as if he were in a daze.

A winged helmet had fallen off the stranger's head; but not until the Anoxians drew closer did they see that his head was roughly wolf-like in shape. He didn't appear to be physically damaged, but was clearly disoriented.

Flatfoot broke the silence: "If you can understand us, please tell us who you are."

The sort-of-werewolf-looking visitor groped for his helmet. Once it was on, he spoke.

"And I'll explain, works correctly, so please tell me, rainbow bridge, about where this is, my parents, can converse, if my helmet, from Jumpstard, whether you did it, galaxy, different, or is this?"

Bowstring tried something. VERY slowly, he addressed Bakerstray Bill (yeah, that's who the stranger is, though She-Wow doesn't know it yet), word after word: "Our.... planet.... is called....Anoxia.... and.... it is.... a battlefield.... between.... good and.... evil. If.... your.... helmet.... needs.... time.... to process.... our language.... maybe.... this will.... help."

Bill closed his eyes for the duration of three deep breaths. Then: "Yes.... that.... helped. Maybe.... with.... exposure.... to your.... speech.... I will.... soon.... be able.... to talk.... at a.... normal.... speed."

She-Wow stepped in at this point. "My name.... is Advila...... I hold.... authority.... over.... everyone.... born.... here.... who is.... on the.... side of.... good. My.... sense.... of you.... is that.... you are.... one of.... the.... good.... guys."

Bill nodded, and showed a gradual improvement in comprehension. "I am called Bakerstray Bill.... I am almost certain that.... my native world of Jumpstard.... is in a different galaxy.... from yours. My people.... know that people with your cranial shape.... are much more numerous.... in the overall universe.... than our type. However.... my civilization is probably very similar.... to yours. I was sent out.... from Jumpstard, for the purpose.... of meeting humanoids.... whose culture is especially.... close to our own. Do you.... have an old mythology here.... featuring a brave thunder god?"
 
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When the Captain America variant on Mediumgard Earth had been extricated from the ice, an aviator named Marty Kapstein had been among the men who found him and brought him to where he could be revived. Six years after this, Marty had been one of the hundreds of heroes who died in the defense against the evil titan Flatnose.

Contrary to Disney-Marvel movies which wanted males to be total failures, this world's Thor-variant had made SURE to kill Flatnose before he could use the Infinity Mitten; then, by lending the Mitten to Crimson Witch, he had enabled her to revive the Eyesight with a new life-force NOT reliant on the Infinity Rocks, before scattering the Rocks again. This in turn had prevented Crimson Witch from becoming embittered by loss and turning evil. (She had not been able to resurrect other casualties, because only Eyesight had BEGUN his life by way of the Infinity Rocks.)

One year after that, Masha Lomonosova, then using the nickname Blank Window (which meant that no one could look into her soul), had met Marty's widow Adelaide in Des Moines, Iowa. Finding that Adelaide had begun supporting herself and her little daughter Galina by making and selling chemical-free skincare products, Masha had bought a truckload of these essences. Using the products herself, and giving some to Hornette, Crimson Witch, Lady Sniff, and all of Plaque Panther's female relatives, Masha had provided Adelaide with a golden opportunity to boast, truthfully, that all female Revengists used her treatments. Once confident that she and Galina had a secure livelihood, Marty's widow had created two endowments: one for Galina's future education, and the other to assist families impoverished by the effects of the titan's invasion.

Now calling herself BRIGHT Window, and now married to Steve "Colonel America" Rusher (who now looked like Chris Pratt), Masha wanted to introduce her husband to the widow of his fellow fighter against evil.

But something had changed, and not for the better. The first intimation of this for Steve and Masha was a streaming news report:

Someone had entirely emptied ALL of Adelaide's savings, leaving her unable to pay the current property tax on her house..... and the banks involved insisted that the withdrawals had been legal and valid. They had also stolen her entire present inventory of skincare products.

Plaque Panther, hearing of this, had quickly paid Adelaide's tax bill, and all her other outstanding debts, out of his own personal funds; and Lord Ballwun the Uncommonly Likeable of Hallpasscard with his wife Lady Gretala had deposited gold in her banks, as a free gift, to replenish her accounts. President of the United States Paden Glumm, knowing what ingredients Adelaide used for her essences and lotions, had paid for a year's supply of these things to be sent to her.

But although saved from bankruptcy, Adelaide still was devastated, when the Rushers came to see her, by the fact of WHO had robbed her.

"I don't know how she learned such high-level hacking skills..... but it was MY MOTHER who stole my money and merchandise! She said I was greedy because I didn't want to live on government welfare!"
 
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Once Ballwun and Gretala knew that Adelaide and Galina were all right, and that the mother and daughter had Colonel America and Bright Window staying near for the present, the Hallpasscardian couple re-crossed the Dentfloss Bridge. Once back at home, they asked Timekall Bridgekeeper to scan Mediumgard for the thieving mother and her presumably-complicit husband. The super-sentry became so engrossed with what he saw, that King Garryowen, Queen Sprigga, and the newly-settled-in Lowerkey, came to the Dentfloss arrival platform to find out about it.

When Timekall finally turned and looked at his king, Garryowen asked: "Does this have something to do with that mystic from Tibet? He does appear to be the only real disturbance in Mediumgard Earth's recent security."

"Yes, it is Drigum Namdre, sire. But he has new adherents, and not just ordinary Mediumgarders. We know about the Green Flashlight Corps, and the Heart Sapphire Sisterhood; one local human female somehow has herself become a Heart Sapphire! She has a husband, whom she evidently dominates; he emanates no special power. I do sense that this married couple used to serve Actual God, but they have discarded Him in favor of a worldview that they don't want to admit is actually plain atheism. But most puzzling, some lads who come from a different Earth are with her. Not sure yet how they got to our star system, but I sense that one or more of them have taught scientific skills to her; and more significantly, ALL of those boys have manifested a NEW jewelry-channeled quasi-magic. It may have enabled them to fly here from their Earth; I know that Master Drigum has no power of interstellar travel."

"Could their arrival have been caused by this thing called The Fuss which I've been hearing about?" asked Lowerkey.

"Not likely, my prince. When Only-One Kanoli visited Mediumgard months ago, he needed a spaceship to get here."

Sprigga raised an eyebrow. "Only-One, you say? I thought his first name was Mopey-One."

"My queen, he WAS called Mopey-One when he visited Mediumgard Earth. But since leaving us, in the course of finding his true love, a satisfaction which he certainly deserved, he changed his first name to Only-One. I didn't report this at the time, because it had no effect on us. The corruption of two servants of Actual God seems more significant."

The King of Hallpasscard nodded. "Lady Gretala, you have been seen on the local Earth often enough that human television producers would happily give you air time on many programs. I want you to render support to this good woman Adelaide Kapstein by stirring sympathy for her. This may lead also to your finding clues about why she was robbed. Ballwun, try to confront these oddly-powered human boys, and get them to tell you what they are about."

Lowerkey touched the King's elbow. "Sire, may I go with Ballwun? Sooner or later, I have to start making mortals understand that I'm not the Croaki who sided with Flatnose."

"A good point, Lowerkey. It will also educate Mediumgarders further about parallel worlds. You have my leave to do as you suggest."
 
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In the history of this Earth-variant, the Old West gunslinger Bat Masterson had gotten rich enough by gambling (and he was an honest player) that he could endow a new university in his old age. In this world's version of Wichita, Kansas, Bat Masterson University had remained big and popular, with a history of successful basketball teams.

In the 21st century, Masterson University had also become famous for its biggest single student organization, called The Distribution Dance. Neither Lance and Shelly Heflin, nor Drigum Namdre from Tibet, and still less the lately-arrived Cosmic Fact Checkers, had heard of that campus club, until Drigum had psychically searched the states near Iowa. Once they had randomly given away most of the money and merchandise that Shelley had stolen from Adelaide, the corrupted monk had settled on Wichita as a place to meddle in. So they had flown to Masterson University, where it was now basketball season.

Drigum located a dormitory where numerous members of The Distribution Dance were housed. Shelley, now a Heart Sapphire, began introducing herself to female students. As conversations developed, Shelley made a point of insisting that her now-absolute domination of her husband was "just plain equality." Meanwhile, Sawyer and his peers talked with male students; but since they literally could not hear any voice which DIDN'T support their views, both Drigum and Lance remained close by, in order to tell the earplugged boys what was said when necessary.

Then they planned a march on the gymnasium for that evening, so they could tell players and spectators that competition was hate, and no one should ever win or lose at anything. Over half of the faculty (though none of the coaches) would end up joining them.
 
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Before the basketball game began, Lowerkey was dropped off on the Masterson campus by himself. He possessed the same talent for glib talk as every wicked Loki-variant, so he conversed with some students. He noticed that, whenever the subject of their student loans came up, ALL of the students declared that they had no moral obligation to pay their debt; that "the evil business corporations" should be made to pay for everything.

Lowerkey realized that, of course, a privately-owned business COULD be morally wrong, just as a government or a religious body could be wrong. But he also knew that "could be" did not equal "always is."

When a TV set in the student union building started showing Lady Gretala's broadcast for the benefit of Mrs. Kapstein, students almost immediately began loudly claiming that Adelaide's Essences was every bit as much an "evil business corporation" as the worst environment-polluter ever seen. Adelaide was guilty of withholding benefits from the people's collective.

Following these events as Timekall watched them, King Garryowen sent Royal Physician Welbymark to join Lowerkey in an attempt to reason with the adult-sized children on this campus. The two did find some who could process facts; but one freshman boy disrupted the enlightenment effort by squawking:

"You Hallpasscardians are the greediest of all! You refuse to give all of US your long lifespan! Extended youth is a human right! All of you should be required to donate your blood weekly to make us live longer!"

"Are you not aware that we already tried, centuries ago?" Welbymark snorted. "The majority of you humans show immune-system rejection response to any tissue transplant from us; and many can't even accept a blood transfusion from us." He didn't mention Hoodunnit the Pensive having married Lydia Jawad on Federal Earth, since that successful mating (as had been the case with Hoodunnit's first human wife) was an exception to the genetic interaction problem.

Sawyer, Shelley and their crowd were aware of Welbymark and Lowerkey's presence, but they judged it more important to proceed with ruining the basketball game. "After all," Shelley observed, "athletic rivalry is hate!"
 
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Lowerkey enjoyed some stealth power, so he made himself and Welbymark invisible, then picked the lock on an emergency door to the gymnasium. The freshman-team game was about to begin, but the crowd noise from inside was odd somehow.

Entering the outer passageway and then finding a door for the basketball court, the two invisible good guys beheld the Heflins, Drigum Namdre, and Sawyer Boyd's gang assembled at the center of the court, facing outward at the two teams and the referees. Drigum was orating in theatrical tones:

"Competition is hatred. Rivalry is hatred. Winning and losing are equally harmful. Division is death, oneness is life, and oneness depends on surrendering self-will. Stop regarding others as enemies. The Masterson Pronghorns and the Grand Island Swashbucklers are the same; everyone is the same! You must confess the sin of hating each other, and the sin of wanting to defeat each other!"

A sturdy fifty-ish man strode right up to Drigum, wearing the colors of the visiting team. "What is this drivel? My son plays for the Swashbucklers, and my daughter is dating one of the Pronghorns. These boys, and girl teams likewise, play for FUN, and for self-improvement. Without competition, there ISN'T ANY GAME; but nobody here hates anyone else on that account!"

This gentleman had no way of knowing that Master Drigum, Shelley and Lance were the only ones who could hear his words. But it was plain enough that Shelley, though hearing his words, DIDN'T LIKE them one bit. Not yet accustomed to using her new Heart Sapphire powers, she merely shut her eyes, plugged her ears, and hummed loudly. One of the Cosmic Fact Checkers created a red basketball and handed it to Lance, who began dribbling it. Another of the boys created an extra basket hovering in the air, and Lance made a successful shot through that hoop (which grew larger at the last instant to make sure he wouldn't miss). As the baffled spectators went on being baffled, Sawyer took the initiative.

"More balls! More hoops! Play without rivalry! Everyone wins!"

Within twenty seconds, thirteen more baskets were hanging in the air throughout the gym, and more than forty new basketballs materialized in the laps of assorted spectators. Most of those people were too mystified to do anything with these gifts, but eight or nine of them began making shots through the hoops nearest to them.

Now visible, Welbymark and Lowerkey strode out onto the court. As soon as Drigum noticed them, he cast what amounted to a confusion spell against them. Welbymark was duly confused, and when a basketball appeared in his hands, he forgot what he was here for, and began crossover-dribbling it as if he had been playing basketball for years. But Lowerkey was too familiar with such mind attacks to be easy prey for them; and though not as strong as Thorpe, he was far stronger than any normal Earthling. Pouncing on Drigum, and seeing right through the invisibility screen Drigum hastily put up, Lowerkey shook him and barked, "Shut it off! Let go of these people's minds, or I'll give you a non-fatal flesh wound in your left shoulder!"

All the energy-made balls and hoops vanished. Welbymark was the first victim to regain his wits. The man who had rebuked the intruders, whose name turned out to be Oliver Hackman, had never fallen under any mental influence from the intruders. He introduced himself to the Hallpasscardians, while three overweight campus cops were forlornly trying to restore order.

These cops, already out of their depth with what had happened so far, were further taken aback when Sawyer, who still had no tail, informed them that he was a giant iguana lizard.
 
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Drigum Namdre's Buddhist faith was not so false as to leave him subject to cringing terror. He did not cry or beg; but he did cave in to Lowerkey's demand. The basketball players, and the fans in the bleachers, visibly went back to normal-- which, in these circumstances, included some of the fans descending to the court to tell off the meddling boys.

Sawyer Boyd was torn between wanting to see Drigum show more determination, and wanting to reassert his informal status of leadership among the so-called Fact Checkers. He and his peers could put up energy barriers to prevent anyone from touching them; but it looked as if they weren't accomplishing anything for their cause of whatever-their-cause-was. Accordingly, he called out to Shelley, "Mrs. Heflin! I think we need to move on! Grab up your partner, and let's fly!" Shelley did as he urged, and levitated Lance along with her. Two of the other boys forced high windows open at near-ceiling level, and they all flew out, minus the Tibetan monk.

Oliver Hackman hovered near the two Hallpasscardians, joined by his son, his daughter, and the daughter's boyfriend. Welbymark acknowledged them with a nod. Lowerkey asked Drigum, "Did you have anything to do with those other people acquiring special powers?"

"Not in a direct way," the Marxo-Buddhist replied, truthfully, then went on: "The oneness of the universe is manifest in countless avatars. I did show Lance and Shelley the light of economic justice, and this made them living transmitters of cosmic oneness. In turn, their enlightenment called out across the galaxy, and was heard by those highly spiritual boys, who had acquired power from a different source."

Welbymark beckoned Oliver and the three teenagers to draw aside. Then he addressed Oliver: "You seem to have deflected the influence of those bewitched boys. Tell me, did you follow the news when the off-worlder Mopey-One Kanoli visited this world?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. When I heard him give a speech on television, I felt as if something was passing from him to me."

"Did your wife detect anything different about you?"

"Not unless she was allowed to watch from Heaven. She's been gone since two years before the Flatnose invasion."

"I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have the scrying power to KNOW if you have The Fuss, but I ask you to communicate with The Revengists. Crimson Witch ought to be able to tell if you've received the same power as Master Kanoli."

"We need to call The Revengists ourselves," interjected Lowerkey. "I'm not sure how long I can hang on to this scoundrel, and he's done nothing that clearly warrants putting him to death."
 
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ON PLANET KUMMANOKKIN, the arid world with the single-footed hopping people, Vin Gasleen, and Miss Pwingteek the native investigator from Hidden Spring, were accompanying Bulky Tanya's bunch in her series of inquiries concerning the ritually-vital Dimsaber. At each town they visited, Tanya's male sidekicks Morose, Lariat and Curdle would tramp around the perimeter, looking for signs of secret hiding places. Vin suspected that this was just busy-work Tanya was giving them; they didn't seem like the sharpest Banjolorians in the drawer.

In the course of this unpromising quest, Bulky Tanya shared one extra piece of information as a good-faith gesture. "There's a senior officer of the Empire of Evil Badness, named Golf Michigan, who wants to capture the Dimsaber for himself. He isn't a Fuss adept, but he is a well-trained fighter, who is not to be taken lightly. Apart from not having a Fuss user in his own family, Golf Michigan is more dangerous than the officer you confronted earlier."

"Is the Dimsaber more powerful as a weapon than the lightsabers generated by Fuss rings?"

"I'd say it handles better. Because all of our Star Wars-ish sub-reality is locked into Mel Brooks' idea of rings as weapons, you can't put as much strength behind them. The Dimsaber has a HILT you can hold on to. And by all accounts, it cuts through metal doors more quickly than a Fuss lightsaber does. But the greater efficiency is not so pronounced that a Fuss adept COULD NOT beat a user of the Dimsaber. The real importance of this weapon is that there IS only one. The technology to make more of them was lost. Since it was a Banjolorian armorer who created it, the Dimsaber belongs with our people. And since there's only one of it, the LEADER of all Banjolorians should possess it."

"And you will be that leader," said Pwingteek blandly.

"Well, OBVIOUSLY! This is my duty, because I am THE FIRST AND ONLY strong female character in the entirety of The Never-Stopping Story!"

Vin looked at Morose, Lariat and Curdle. They appeared to find nothing wrong in what Tanya had just said.
 
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Some other characters were about to join the Dimsaber subplot.

The captured Imperial frigate now named Adjustment, whose crew included members of Nonsmoka Tiptoe's Tugboata race, entered a parking orbit around Kummanokkin, and sent down a small shuttle, carrying Moose and Melodica Windchime.

Landing at the planetary capital, and looking as ordinary as they could, they went to speak privately with Mistress Duppahooka, Executive Bigwig of the United Wastelands: the closest thing to a central ruler that the one-footers had. After telling her what they had been doing lately, they brought up the possibility of some former captives finding work here. Duppahooka promised to bring this up to the legislative body, and to various local rulers. Thanking her, the Windchimes offered to bring a water gift (ice harvested in the outer system) to any community which hired former slaves. Next, they went to see Darma Larmadingdong, the Kantpoolian Ambassador.

Since the people of Kantpoo assumed that women should be and would be in charge of everything, Moose deferred to Melodica. The ex-pirate then passed the same information to Darma. She then concluded:

"Some of the freed slaves attached to us are interested in seeking employment here on Kummanokkin. But others, if not sure of a safe return to their native worlds, would like to settle and work on a less arid planet. So please contact your Queen, and inquire about immigration rules for oxygen-breathing off-worlders."

As Duppahooka had done, so Ambassador Larmadingdong replied, "I'll see what can be done."

UNLIKE many Original Earth politicians, those two actually did intend to do as they said they would.

.........................................................
 
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