Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Enemy fire had not yet ceased when Weapons-Man hurried to join Bakerstray Bill. Weaving left and right, changing his speed, he avoided getting blasted by the remaining enemy assault craft, and reached the still-bleeding Jumpstardean. Right behind him, four of She-Wow's common soldiers followed fast; these would hold Crowdhack, Alloy Albert and Mister Cephalopod at gunpoint.

"Bill, cease firing! The others can take out the last of their fighters, and Lefturklyde will be here soon with his warriors." (Lefturklyde was the chief of a tribe of orangutan-like sapients who were friendly to She-Wow, and one of the Green Flashlights had facilitated them coming to this place.) "They'll mop up all remaining hostile ground forces in this region. So stop fighting. We need to stop your bleeding."

Once he could relax the exertion of continuing to shoot lightning at the airborne threats, Bakerstray Bill sagged back into a supine position. Weapons-Man dosed him with a plotline-convenient magic potion which helped a living body replace lost blood faster. The human veteran also used a short-range freezing ray to freeze Bill's wounds shut. While Weapons-Man was facilitating the superhero's convalescence, all nearby noise of shooting subsided. Presently, Colonel Bluntgrin joined them with news.

"Princess Advila and her people at the fort south of here have broken the attack on them; and the Green Flashlights at Castle Klipnayle report that their attackers have been shattered. But more interesting, EQUIVVALENTOR has decided enough was enough. Bakerstray Bill and a handful of other champions bolstering us, he could accept-- but a whole goldanged space force bombarding us was not to be accepted. I never guessed that Equivvalentor could leap clear up out of atmosphere, but he pulled the rest of the Snarkonnen motherships right out of orbit!

"And guess what the Neutral Dragon says now? He said, for plenty of people to hear, that the grounded starships, and their crews as prisoners of war, now belong to the rightful ruler of Anoxia, meaning Princess Advila! Soon to be crowned QUEEN Advila."

"Equivvalentor must be reconsidering his lifelong neutrality," remarked Battery-Cat, who had heard Colonel Bluntgrin's words.

"Those who try to favor neither side," said Bill, "often simply are helping the wicked side."

"Equivvalentor admitted as much," Dolph assured them. "No more fake equivalence between heroes and villains."

"To celebrate this historic turning point," said Battery-Cat, "Katlittura here wishes to announce her change from evil to good."

Also hearing everything, Cephalopod and Albert began cursing Crowdhack for drawing them into his downfall-- as if they hadn't been eager to sign on with him when he looked like a winner.
 
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Less than two minutes later, a ragged hole appeared in space-time, right in front of Bakerstray Bill. Through this hole, annoyed at the thought that readers of the story might have completely forgotten her, stepped the teenage attention-hog, Antimerica Chutzpah. Don't forget that her powers included forward-and-back time travel. This was Antimerica Chutzpah as she had been BEFORE her tongue was maimed by a relativistic-speed ceramic pellet from Jacob Mossyhutch's logically-impossible "gravity gun."

Sweeping her snotty gaze over the heroes present, the super-narcissist pointed at the vanquished Crowdhack, then proclaimed in her most irritating voice: "Inferior beings, I accept your thanks for my victory over Skamartistor."

"Skamartistor is long dead, over on Planet Alwaysurnia, slain in a fair fight by Prince Andy," growled Weapons-Man. "This master villain, whom you had NO part in defeating, is Crowdhack Of The Mob."

The girl did something like a "Force Push," toppling Weapons-Man onto his back. "You can't say that! Everything is about ME! Every good outcome anyplace is due to the vibrations of my wonderfulness! This planet clearly needs a female ruler to enlighten its population." She looked at Colonel Bluntgrin. "I humbly accept your invitation to take the throne of Planet Gumwad."

Getting back up, Weapons-Man told her, "This is Planet Anoxia. Gumwad is located in the story-reality that the Snarkonnens came from."

Dolph Bluntgrin added, "And this world has already acquired a female ruler who is actually likeable: Princess Advila She-Wow. We're not going to trade her in for a delusional super-brat."

Pretending not to have heard the two heroes, Antimerica approached Battery-Cat and Katlittura, who were sitting on their haunches, side by side. She looked at the green-furred beast, the larger of the two felines, while pointing at the smaller one. "Congratulations on your victory, my four-legged sister. I see that you have properly put him in his place."

For the first time in months, and in her mind for the last time, Katlittura stood up in her human shape. "The green one's the male! Whoever you are, you sure don't pay attention to details! Not every feline species has female dominance. Tigers have bigger, stronger males; Batty here is designed on the template of a MALE Original Earth tiger. And it's he who just now put me in MY place. She-Wow tried for years to influence me away from wickedness; then Batty became a catalyst, no pun intended, to open my eyes by his blend of power and mercy."

It was not lost on Battery-Cat, nor on Dolph, nor on Weapons-Man, that the evil-until-recently Katlittura had already come up with a pet name for Mighty Male's four-legged friend. Nor was it lost on them that Katlittura was quick to resume her pantherish form, and sat down closer to Battery-Cat than she had been sitting previously.

Now Battery-Cat put in a word: "Here's an idea, Miss Intruder: if you're so powerful, why not pitch in and help the Troozers to repair some of the destruction that's happened on this planet?"

Antimerica made a sour face. "Work? Blue-collar WORK? That's for lowly beings who aren't goddesses!"
 
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Suddenly, a man materialized behind Antimerica, his head concealed by a helmet, rather like Doctor Fate. Seconds later, Sorcery Lass of Castle Greyhair, protector of Alwaysurnia, appeared in front of the obnoxious girl. The man was the good wizard Hector von Bootblack, who had formerly safeguarded the parents of Andy and Advila. He and Sorcery Lass knew each other, and they exchanged cordial nods.

"Antimerica, you are not needed here," said Sorcery Lass. "If anyone foreign to this sub-universe is worthy to rule Anoxia, it would be Bakerstray Bill of Jumpstard. He fought a marvelous duel against odds, not only beating Crowdhack and two others, but helping to inspire Dragon Equivvalentor to quit fence-sitting and align with virtue and honor. Yet Bill has no ambition to accept a throne, much less to play games for a throne."

Antimerica quivered strangely. If she had been literally a cartoon character, instead of a living person simply living IN a fantasy-patterned storyverse, onlookers would have expected her to explode. As it was, she finally did explode verbally. With eyes fixed upon the staggeringly beautiful Sorcery Lass, she exclaimed: "YOU'RE MANSPLAINING!"

The good sorceress, who never would lose her cool when beholding monsters or demons, was taken aback by this. After one deep breath, she said, "Excuse me, have you noticed that I'm a woman??"

"Then your feminine energy should be telling you that I'm right."

"What are you claiming to be right about? The claim that YOU fought and vanquished Crowdhack, when in fact you had nothing to do with it?"

Antimerica startled onlookers by literally jetting steam 0ut 0f her ears. "You're using syllogistic, sequential reasoning. That's hate speech! You're depriving me of MY reality! You're creating a threatening environment! "

The next instant, Equivvalentor appeared right behind Sorcery Lass, telling Antimerica: "Shut your mouth, infant. I'm in the middle of renovating my whole world to be more accommodating to goodness. You will now depart, and don't come back unless you figure out how to be civil."

The super-powered narcissist produced a sulking expression which would have done credit to a four-year-old, and said to the dragon, "I'll go because I want to, not because you told me to." Then, to Sorcery Lass: "I'll show you! I'll teleport to a world that's got social media, and I'll doxx you!" Opening another hole in reality, Antimerica Chutzpah departed, to nobody's sorrow. Her portal had scarcely closed before Equivvalentor turned his attention to healing Bakerstray Bill the rest of the way.
 
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Returning to Punksteema , let's try and refresh who are the apprentices and prominent friends of the Last Towerman.

Ronald met pre-teen D'Kovo Pril not long after being transported from the south continent to the north. The Prils are a prosperous business family in the pseudo-Asian country of Hukshem, which neighbors and is friendly with the European-ish nation of Bamulica. Razibi, D'Kovo's older sister, is learning to be a Smoke Maiden, and has married a magic-user named T'Pinnok. Razibi's mentor in gunslinger skills is Jillian Shard, from Reslagor.

Otto Kergoff, the second apprentice, was born in Pathamel on the south continent, but orphaned in a shipwreck on the coast of the north-continent country of Nizozu, east of Hukshem. People there adopted Otto and raised him in their culture, which includes a martial art similar to real-world Capoeira. He enjoys the distinction of being descended from Sir Edgar Pallendin, the FIRST Towerman.

Captain John Telbroc is a Hussar of Malgriff Thanedom, which is part of Bamulica. He was among Ronald's very earliest new friends in this plotline. Though not currently in the same place as Ronald, John is part of a military expedition, commanded by Colonel Roger Zaptrim, whose foremost goal is to assist Ronald's fight against evil. Traveling with the Hussars is Dorothy Malgriff, obviously part of that thanedom's ruling family. Dorothy feels, at the very least, gratitude to Ronald for unmasking a traitor in Malgriff while he was there.

Ilya Trostel , seventeen years old when first encountered, joined up with Ronald's party during the undead crisis. Ilya is the namesake of his maternal grandfather, a sailor from Tablanor's friendly neighbor nation Vodranor. Already knowing how to shoot, Ilya the Younger wields an axe for close-quarters fighting.

Lester Grath is a still-tough middle-aged war veteran in Tablanor, which is as far east as Ronald has gotten in this story. He is not accompanying Ronald right now, but was heavily involved in the struggle against the zombie plague started by the evil immortal Jaheg-Jorod.

Rizlaya Tohir is a good witch in Felruda, the next country north from Tablanor. Felruda once picked a fight with Tablanor; was defeated; but was given lenient peace terms by the victors, which went a long way to healing the hatreds. Rizlaya, an advisor to the Felrudean government, is an ally to Ronald, and has provided him with useful intel. This included information about nearby Bavrid, a mountainous nation culturally related to Hukshem.

Talusek Fernwood , a little older than Ilya Trostel and also a new apprentice to Ronald, is the nephew of Didima Fernwood, a Felrudean cavalrywoman. Talusek's main combative contribution is being a superb swordsman. His aunt's brother Marmiloc Fernwood lost a fight with Lester Grath during the Tablanor-Felruda war, but then was saved from bleeding to death by the winner. This has caused Didima to think highly of the widowed Lester, and your author is inclined to get those two paired up eventually. RETROACTIVE INSERT: DIDIMA WILL HAVE GIVEN HER NEPHEW A .36 CALIBER FIVE-SHOT REVOLVER, WITH TWENTY-FIVE BULLETS.

Burzu Yunsh lives in the cold northern country of Heskadug, whose people are similar to Lapplanders in real-world Finland. Burzu owns a spear which carries great magic power against evil, and had occasion to use that spear when the zombie plague spread as far as the tundra lands. He thereafter went with Ronald for much of the way to where the gunslinger-knight is now. Note that Punksteema has no Arctic Ocean; people can cross this world's arctic zone on land. Their march was as if, on Original Earth, someone could WALK from Finland past the North Pole and down into Canada.

In the part of Punksteema to which Ronald's trans-polar journey took him, Triglon Fedlo is a trade-regulation official ("Commerce Mediator") in Lower Wenzeppu. When Ronald and Burzu learned that UPPER Wenzeppu had suffered a mass poisoning of men at a festival, Triglon was notified; he investigated his own country's recent business with the northern neighbor. No one in "Lower" was any part of the heinous crime, but Triglon still is assisting in Ronald's detective work, while Burzu continues the inquiries in "Upper."

At age twelve, Diego Smith of Lower Wenzeppu is the youngest apprentice except for D'Kovo. Diego was drawn into events because his mother-side uncle Kadelpuk Doshmo, a criminal-court judge, joined in the quest for answers. Kadelpuk's grown son Klemrath, cousin to Diego, is an army veteran, also assisting in the manhunt. Klemrath carries black-powder pistols and a sword, while Diego carries a light-caliber bolt-action rifle.

Monica Teller , a middle-aged Lower Wenzeppuan vineyard manager with Noon Wine Slopes, came driving up to Ronald's party in a small cart as they were enroute into the barbaric land of Gahurr. She has a vested interest in dispelling unjust suspicion directed against her industry in the poisoning incident, and she can shoot a crossbow.

Quadmor Basset is the Constable of Gravelpit, one of the most orderly towns in often-disorderly Gahurr. His father Yorick Basset is the Mayor. Upon being approached by Ronald, Quadmor consulted with his father, and volunteered to join in seeking the culprits in the poisoning, who may be in the town of Oxhide Spring. The top suspect is called Black-Thumb Stedriff. Seeing Ilya Trostel not currently packing a firearm, Quadmor (who has a double-barrelled shotgun) gave the apprentice a heavy pistol with double rifled barrels.

LOCAL VOLUNTEERS, IN BRIEF: A woman named Vislaret carries a light repeating rifle with decent range. Her sweetheart Orlepsoth has a gastrophract. Give him a sword too. Two sisters named Nishri and Feshri carry two javelins each, with atl-atls to propel them. Each sister has a short cutlass like Zoralee's. Yorick gave each of them a loaded single-shot derringer as an emergency resort. Nishri and Feshri have a score to settle for their brother Koltor, shot in the back by one of Black-Thumb's men.

Connor McLucas has a lever-action rifle, holding eighteen rounds. Roy Crinkly has the equivalent of a Sharps buffalo gun, SIXTY-caliber. He inherited it from his father Matthew Crinkly, one of Ronald's mentors.
 
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For the first night camping in open country, they tried out a three-shift watch schedule. The four women together stood the first watch; Ronald watched with them for the first hour of the shift, creeping outward on random sides of the camp to look for signs of danger. Quadmor, Connor, Talusek and Ilya stood the second watch. Ronald got up to stand the last watch with Roy, Klemrath and Orlepsoth. The younger apprentices, who had been permitted to sleep through, performed all the morning chores in the camp.

The next two nights had roughly similar assignments. The posse was not proceeding in a straight line toward Oxhide Spring; this, both to make hostile discovery less likely, and to allow more time for friendly magic-users to get in touch with possible added information to share.

Three hours along the trail on the fourth day, Ronald was reminded that it was better for those wizards to do this business when it was night on THEIR side of the planet, so T'Pinnok Zur could make his full contribution in the dream state.

Reinforced by Rizlaya Tohir and Felipe Catalano, T'Pinnok's image appeared in front of Quadmor who currently was on point.

"You are the Gahurrite constable, are you not?"

"Yes, I'm the constable of Gravelpit. I congratulate you on including MY language in your enchantment."

"Felipe is most to be thanked there; of the three of us, he has the most experience at specifically crossing language barriers. But on to the main business. How many days' travel are you from Oxhide Spring?"

"If we continue zigzagging, seven or eight or nine days. If we take the straightest line possible, and press ahead strenuously, maybe as quickly as three or four days. How does this affect your magical support?"

Rizlaya, Felipe and I have become confident that we can block Jaheg-Jorod's magical reconnaissance for two and a half days. Right now, the man-devil does know you're coming`to get Black-Thumb, therefore Black-Thumb also knows it. The outlaw is not so far leaving town, toward you or away from you; he believes he can beat you, but prefers a defensive posture. Your best chance of beating HIM, obviously, is if he doesn't know which direction you're coming from, and how soon. Thus, our blinding spell against Jaheg-Jorod will do you the most good if it's timed so Black-Thumb is without guidance up to the moment you attack his gang."

"Got it. We still have a cushion of time. Let me confer with Klemrath and Ronald, while we see how much ground we cover today. Can you contact us tomorrow?"

"Yes, I can."
 
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= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

During the time when Felipe Catalano and his colleagues were busy offering guidance to Ronald, the inventor Jizbrol Tazaff of Quelidar had been busy discussing airship design with men from the Gogutai Canyon. When Tazaff ("Jizbrol" was his surname) did have time to ask Felipe what was afoot in sorcerous matters, Felipe was taken aback at WHICH part of the news made an impression. Tazaff passively noted Ronald's progress in Gahurr-- but was ALL attention when Felipe reported the visit by Mellow Druids to William Seldunin and Rizlaya Tohir in Prethlonstead, the Felrudean capital.

Tazaff didn't react verbally until Felipe said that the subject of the Frantic Druids had come up in that meeting.

"Felipe, when Armolas Greenbranch described the Frantic Druids to General Seldunin, did he say anything about their visits to Quelidar?"

"Not that I'm aware of. But you can ask them when they come to Mifdola. Or do you not trust them?"

"Mellow Druids are good people. But I want to talk with important persons here before Armolas' group arrives here."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Queen Sotavalit, Queen Mother Yiltim, Zoralee Jeralo, and several important men including Kring Dakamish, soon joined Felipe and Tazaff. The airship builder took on a formal manner when briefing them. Though spending much time with Tazaff, Kring was as ignorant of Tazaff's concern as the rest were.

"In Jeltua," said Kring, "we hear tales of wilderness-dwelling people, who are not the same as Mellow Druids. More elusive, less friendly. Though given a different name in our language, these must be the same as your Frantic Druids. But they're never seen in Jeltua, any more than here in Mifdola. Some Loi-Jeltua conjecture that the-- whatever we call them-- first arose from island societies on the Equatorial Ocean; thus they greatly dislike the cold latitudes."

Tazaff nodded. "Dwellers in distant lands that I know, if they have so much as heard of the Frantic Druids, assume the same explanation for their avoidance of cold lands. But I have a far different theory, and it's the reason why I fled from Quelidar."
 
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Zoralee spoke up now: "As a girl, when I spent time with Mellow Druids, they never directly mentioned the Frantic Druids to me. But they dropped oblique remarks about behaviors they considered unreasonable. The part I remember the most distinctly was when they talked about hypocrisy. Specifically, they said there were people who would tell you that you ate too much and you were a glutton, but the same scolding people would eat large meals themselves.

"Years later, when I began learning explicitly about the Frantic Druids, I found out that they in fact were that sort of hypocrites. For instance, my friend Judy Lightheart was once sharply rebuked by them for breaking DEAD branches off of trees for fireplace use-- but the same Druids later felled entire living trees, just for the purpose of carving wooden DECORATIONS for a private lodge of theirs."

"No wonder the Mellow Druids don't like them," said Queen Sotavalit.

The Queen Mother directed the discussion back to Jizbrol Tazaff. "Mister Jizbrol, do these indictments against the 'Frantic' faction bear any clear connection with your theory about where they prefer to dwell?"

"They might. But let me just go ahead and tell you what my thought is. It has always been generally known that the Moon orbits Punksteema along a plane almost exactly fitting the Equator. It is never directly above, say, Mifdola or Bavrid. But odd though it is for the Moon to be so low that it literally produces a bow wave in our air, only well-educated and-or highly intelligent people ever think to question why Punksteema's gravity doesn't pull the Moon down into a catastrophic collision."

Sotavalit shrugged. "We can agree, at least, that it's the will of the Creator for life on Punksteema NOT to be destroyed."

"Of course, Your Majesty. Getting to the practical issues which may affect us even if the Moon DOESN'T fall onto our heads. Some of you, certainly Captain Dakamish, know about my wish to adapt an airship so I could match speed with the Moon and LAND ON IT."

Zoralee had not succeeded as a detective only by her good looks, her ability to fire pistols, and having a brother who had been changed into a doomrat. Her mind was piecing things together. She looked at Tazaff. "Any ascent to the Moon, be it achieved by science or magic, would logically begin from some island on the Equatorial Ocean, under the Moon's path in the sky. You believe that the Frantic Druids have already done exactly this. And you're apprehensive that they would not shrink from assassinating you, sooner than allow you to invade what they regard as their territory."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
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Felipe Catalano soon learned what had been discussed in the palace. It wasn't Zoralee who told him; she didn't want him thinking that he might actually be in her league. Bear-Uncle Kaglut, leader of the men who worked with tundra bears, loosely equivalent in prestige to a lieutenant colonel, brought the information wizard up to date. Once he heard the part about Frantic Druids possibly occupying Punksteema's moon, Felipe knew it was time for his colleague in Hukshem to take a sleeping potion, to facilitate contacting Sir Ronald on the other side of the planet. Rizlaya would also be brought in on the link again.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
In west-central Gahurr, before dawn by that time zone, the gunslinger-knight found his young friend T'Pinnok Zur stepping into his dreams. Ronald let the dream-wizard speak first. The Loi-Hukshem wizard first affirmed that Black-Thumb Stedliff was remaining in a defensive stance, then reported the discussion Mister Jizbrol had had with Queen Sotavalit about a possible Frantic Druid presence on Punksteema's moon. T'Pinnok added:

"Even if they are up there, we don't know if they bear you any ill will, nor if they place ANY importance on you, nor if they are friendly to Jaheg-Jorod. Anyway, how far along are you on your march?"

"If we change to a straight-line approach this morning, and make decent speed, we could be at the city limits of Oxhide Spring in two more days, and I mean before sunset the second day."

T'Pinnok paused, then told Ronald, "Rizlaya says she'll follow up some clues regarding the Frantic Druids. Felipe will be trying to ascertain whether the Bloody Diggers are in any way involved with your situation. And I will stay focused on the immediate choices you face. Can you safely stay where you are for one more day?"

"We can. We've got a defensible camp right now, out of sight of the nearest road. Roy and Orlepsoth can get a clear line of sight against any approaching enemies."

"Very well. Expect to hear from us no later than the morning after the morning you're about to have. Then we'll finalize the timing of our enchantment to prevent Jaheg-Jorod from giving guidance to the outlaws."
 
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<<< Let's see, whom should I update next? I know what, I'll do some one-shot catching-up scenes, beginning on the Earth-variant which is home to my counterparts of Iron Man, War Machine, the COMICBOOK She-Hulk who was a likeable person, Doc Savage, and classic dog hero Rin Tin Tin. Assume that chronology is flexible, to avoid continuity problems. \\\

In the Washington, D.C. of Earth-Whichever, General Thumper Moss asked all available superheroes to meet him at the offices of America's Joint Chiefs of Staff. When they came and were seated, he played celluloid movie film for them (remember that this Earth is behind the others in some ways), depicting numerous battles from the successful defense against Twerpseid, his Pukedemons, and the Shadythings. Moss named each location that was shown, as if the superheroes would otherwise not have recognized the scenes where they had fought. When the compilation movie was finished, the General got down to hardcore speechmaking.

"The world owes you heroes an unpayable debt. But you know that human nature dislikes being deeply obligated to a benefactor."

"Not always," replied Jasmine "She-Hunk" Waterford-Strum. "I'm happy to admit how grateful I am to Cousin Bryce, for changing me from a bitter, endlessly- complaining shrew, to a metahuman hottie who LIKES being friendly to others, and who could find true love with Jimmy here."

Moss appeared undisturbed by Jasmine's reply. Had his guests known it, he would have reacted very differently if a uniformed servicemember had contradicted him in any degree-- especially if he knew the subordinate to be right. "Your emotional maturity does you credit, Mrs. Strum, as is also the case with Professor Donner. But there are millions of citizens who aren't so mature; who would unrealistically claim that you should have been able to avoid any property damage when you fought against the unprovoked Awkwardlispian invasion. Such people would have used the news footage I just showed you in a libelous attempt to BLAME YOU for the violence which you were trying to THWART.

"Then, if their slander gained ground in the media, the same naysayers might next have tried to influence the United Nations against you. They might have asked the General Assembly to concoct some sort of restraining order against you. If succeeding, they would have disguised their interference in flowery language, all peace-and-lovey, calling it the Something-or-other Accords."

Doc Slippage raised an eyebrow. "You, General Moss, are deeply familiar with bureaucracy. How far do you think U.N. delegates who were paranoid about us, would go to restrain us?"

"Well, if they tried to go beyond mere talk, it would be difficult. Not easy to handcuff She-Hunk, and even less easy to track down Unfindable Man. So they would need to PERSUADE at least some of you to accept bureaucratic regulation willingly. They would probably argue that it was no worse than requiring a license to drive a car.

"If the voices in favor of putting you on leashes prove to be a minority, there may be nothing to worry about. But if major political pressure is brought to bear against your freedom of action, it might be very useful to you to have a sympathizer in the Defense Department."
 
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Next, we drop in on Planet Freesoil, where the VERY FIRST plot arc of this serial (based on "Spaceballs") intersected with actual Star Wars elements, and with Robert Heinlein's "Starship Troopers" as altered for the screen, and with "Babylon Five" elements, AND with a bit of Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Barsoom." We join Denzel Powder, an older human Freesoil colonist specializing in agricultural science, as he builds an acquaintance with one of the crowd of liberated slaves who were freed by a hero-band which included my version of Mace Windu.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Here, Missus Fessmet, is a good example of low-tech solutions which still work: a crop-irrigation canal in progress, to be supplied by the large creek over that way."

"Please, MISTER Powder, please start addressing me by my first name. My Shozo has been up in The Good
Place for longer than a decade. He won't be troubled to see that I'm getting to know free people."

Lumlabbish Fessmet was a tail-headed Tryyurluck woman, old enough to have seen her children's babies grow to adolescence-- if she could have BEEN WITH her children and grandchildren. Her daughters and sons had all been removed from Takniss to other slave-labor sites, never again to be heard of by Lumlabbish. Her husband Shozo Fessmet had perished in a work accident, not long before the last of their children had been "exported."

The green-skinned widow had come to Freesoil after the former gulag-world of Takniss was taken away from the Empire of Evil Badness by heroes of the Up-Side Fellowship (joined by the enigmatic Jacob Mossyhutch of the Long-Range Infantry). Lumlabbish and forty-three other former slaves of her species had, after obtaining permission via subspace radio, been transported to this independent colony (as willing travelers, not as cargo) by interstellar merchant Woodrow Ackerman of the Bubblewrap Five Coalition. None of the humans on Freesoil had any problem with green people; they already had fellow pioneers who were green- skinned sapients.

The big ones derived from the Tharks in Mister Burroughs' John Carter stories, and the smaller ones derived from Han Solo's enemy at the cantina in Episode Four, both saw a modest irony in the tail-headed immigrants. Those Tryyurlucks who didn't have yellow skin, were the exact same color as the already-settled green races; but Freesoil's Humans, none of whom was green, were nonetheless the ones with whom Tryyurlucks could intermarry. (My readers may recall the very happy marriage between Snack Salad and Noherra Synthmusica.)

It was a low-key illustration of just how unimportant skin color was. (Likewise the presence or absence of hair on top of someone's head.) Woodrow had purposely brought more Tryyurluck men than women, in view of how many human Freesoil women had lost their husbands in the Creepycrawlid attack which the reformed Dark Headgear had defeated.

Denzel Powder had been wife-less longer than Lumlabbish Fessmet had been husband-less. He was in his late sixties, though he had done very well at staying fit and active. In physical aging, the Tryyurluck widow was equivalent to a human woman in her mid-fifties, and hardship had aged her further in many ways. But she didn't look so terribly old to the agricultural expert.

"Very good, Lumlabbish. The natural clay lining the inside of this ditch was baked in place yesterday, by burning wood inside it. We burned a lot of nasty weeds at the same time."

Smiling more conspicuously now that they were on a first-name footing, she remarked, "Speaking of weeds, you and I should take some time to determine which local plants are the most nourishing to us Tryyurlucks. We can generally thrive on the same foods as you, or the Bubblewrap Coalition wouldn't have relocated us here; but there are a few small differences in vitamin and mineral requirements."

"Absolutely, that's an important piece of business. We can begin tomorrow morning, after I make my usual rounds of checking the farm equipment for any need of repair."

"I'll join you for the inspection. I did maintenance work on Takniss."

His own smile grew broader. "In that case, let's make an efficient start by you coming over at sunrise, to join my extended family for breakfast. Lunch and supper too, if it suits you."

"Yes, thank you, I'll be delighted to join your extended family. And I can cook as well as change out machine parts. Your daughters, hopefully, won't mind introducing me to human cooking styles."

"Of course they'll be happy to do that, Lumlabbish. You're one of us now, after all."

Denzel did have grandchildren present in his daily life. Every one of these, plus their parents, had already taken a sincere liking to Lumlabbish, and she was heartily grateful for their acceptance. Denzel's granddaughter Phoebe had remarked, the day before, that her grandfather's chocolate-hued skin made a nice color combination alongside Lumlabbish's lime-green skin. You do see where this is going, right?
 
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Then there's that other colonized planet-- which, like Freesoil, had no previous native sapient race to be threatened by incoming settlers. I refer to Latterdawn, the world whose new inhabitants are based on the characters in the silly TV series "Space: 1999." This is the world whose people have been aided by super-heroines Lucy Luminous and Marysuefire.

Roland Foote, Barbara Brainy, Bill Redvest, Versaderma the shape-changer, and all the rest of them are doing fine. If you don't see me mentioning them again, you may safely assume that they live happily ever after.
 
PLANET CAKEBUN, BAKESUM SYSTEM:

Rabbishop Malarkey from Directvideo, religious advisor to King Lowbrain (Princess Vixens's father), had been meeting with Cakebunters to learn more about their spiritual traditions. In the middle of one such interview, he received the equivalent of a cellphone text from Wilma Dearthing, wife of Ambassador Duke Diskoduck. This reported that the Constance Tilbury, an armed merchant ship from the Bubblewrap Coalition, had entered the star system. Soon Wilma put Malarkey through to voice comms with the incoming freighter.

Ever since the Goldarnit people had gotten the okay to produce their delicacy Sploosh on Cakebun, freighters from Bubblewrap Five had been dropping by the Bakesum System periodically. The skipper of the Constance Tilbury was Trablo Kuldivan, a man of the human-like Braykpedduli race, and a friend of the human merchant captain Woodrow Ackerman.

"Hello, Rabbishop? Master Drool, Keeper of the Great Artifact, is aware that your Duke Diskoduck has an affinity for mysterious alien artifacts. One such artifact was recently discovered by some of the Anflaktikshok rangers. They don't know how to activate it for use, but Drool believes that he knows what it's for."

Malarkey replied, "By the tone of your voice, your Mintcandybarri friends DON'T believe their find to be anything innately evil."

"Correct. Having conferred with them and remotely looked at it, Drool believes that this object would simply give a person the ability to fly. With one peculiarity: the user would not be able to fly in straight lines. He would have to travel in curves. For instance, if he wanted to fly up to a mountaintop, he would travel in an arc, like a howitzer shell, ultimately landing on the mountain."

"I suspect that any user of this device would be in for some painful trial and error. But we'll ask Diskoduck if he's willing to try it out."

======>> Author's Note: It is pure coincidence that this post concerns a nobleman with the TITLE of "duke," and the next post concerns a character who is NAMED "Duke."
 
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Star Wars fans among my readers should recall that, in my Lucasfilm-parody sub-reality, I imagined what if Anakin Skywalker DIDN'T let himself be fooled by Chancellor Palpatine into murdering children. I imagined that Anakin still ended up slaying Palpatine, dying in this act but saving the galaxy; only, in this arc, Anakin did it A LOT SOONER, so that there never was an Empire on any such scale as in the movies. Also, since my version of Padme Amidala had the satisfaction of knowing that her husband died with unstained honor and never went bad, she did not die of grief, and was proud to raise Anakin's children.

Then I brought in a version of Grand Admiral Thrawn, and had him cobbling together a less-powerful empire, so my versions of the Jedi still had someone to fight. Note that, as part of reconciling Star Wars with Spaceballs, I treat my version of "Dark Helmet" (before he turned good) as being connected with the Empire of Evil Badness, but being a completely separate person from any form of Anakin Skywalker.)

We now join Queen-Emeritus Poormee Armadillo-Spacewalker on Planet Kantpoo...........

"Duke! What are you DOING? How can you be so vicious?" cried Harshyanna Armadillo, mother of the widowed Poormee.

Coming out of the house, carrying a big tray of a vegan casserole to set on the patio table, Poormee asked what her mother was talking about. Harshyanna turned to face her, while pointing indignantly at her grandson. "Duke is being a toxic male! He pushed his sister down on the ground!"

"I did not!" shouted Duke Spacewalker. "YOU SAW that I didn't push her!"

"Don't you talk back to me, you little misogynist! You're acting just like your good-for-nothing father!"

Duke stood his ground. "Don't YOU call my father good for nothing! He was a hero!"

Harshyanna swung toward Poormee. "Are you going to let this little Kashorchekian disrespect me like that?" (Author's note: "Kashorchekian" is the name for my version of Wookies, which I imagine my version of Spaceballs' "Barf" is one of.)

Not replying directly to her vile-tempered mother, Poormee approached her daughter. "Tell us the truth, Dana. Did Duke push you down the way Grandmother says he did?"

"No, Mother. This is all MY fault. I ran up behind Duke, trying to push HIM down. He just dodged out of the way, and I fell. Duke not only didn't push me, he helped me up. I'm sorry, Duke, please forgive me."

"Of course I forgive you;" and this story's version of Luke Skywalker tenderly embraced his fraternal twin.

Actual steam shot out of the ears of the twins' grandmother. "Dana! Remember your self-love! Never apologize to a patriarchal male!"

Poormee's patience ran out. "Mother, that's enough! You know that Duke didn't push his sister. Either YOU apologize to your grandson immediately, or you are barred from my house!"

Harshyanna rolled her eyes theatrically. "This is worse than I feared. My own daughter is betraying the sisterhood, all for the sake of cold, arbitrary FACTS. It's a good thing the Fuss is female, or there'd be no hope left for us!" Meeting her daughter's eyes, then: "I'll go, all right. Any day now, you'll be asking every man you meet to enslave you and mistreat you, and I won't want to see that." Then she stalked away (and was disappointed that none of her three relatives bothered to watch her leaving).

"Mother, IS the Fuss female?"

"No, Dana, the Fuss is just an energy field. The Creator is superior to the Fuss. He is the Heavenly FATHER-- but He obviously has not prevented Kantpoolian women from being strong and capable. I just wonder what's gotten into your grandmother."

Had Poormee known it, what had gotten into her mother was one of the evil immortals affiliated with Hopecrusher Central. But demonic possession of humans cannot occur without the victim having given some form of consent.....
 
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IN THE MEXICO OF "URTH," several criminals who had lately been active in or near Belize were crossing toward Mexico's southwest coast. Leading the group, due to his knowledge of southern Mexico, was Ramon Delacruz, formerly of the Jaguar gang. His gang had been vanquished by the rival Constrictor gang, but most Jaguars had then been permitted to switch to the Constrictors.

Ramon's errand, approved by Jaguar leader Paco Fritango, was to review the status of gang bolt-holes in southern Mexico; optionally, to establish new hideouts. With him and the mixed group of bandits were the super-villainesses Rattle-Sneak and Hand-Eye. One morning, at a remote camp, they were joined by the super-villain Mirror Merchant, already an associate of the two evil women. He handed the lightning-using Chinese villainess a small mirror; neither she nor the speedy Rattle-Sneak had ever seen this one before. He explained to them (with Rattle-Sneak interpreting for the Latino crooks):

"This, at need, will create a defensive energy sphere around your party, one which will renew oxygen inside it, so suffocation is not an issue. Its protective strength, being magic-based, can even deflect Superdude's optical heat rays, and prevent the air inside your sphere from growing overheated. If at any time the shielding becomes dangerously over-burdened, the mirror's frame will turn bright red. In such a case, you must command the mirror to take you to safety. This is a one-time last resort; after teleporting you, it will cease to exist. But you will then be over ten miles away from where you were."

Through the multi-lingual Rattle-Sneak, Ramon thanked Mirror Merchant, and added: "Is there a definite reason why you chose today to provide us with this resource?"

"There is. The Justified League's hunt for you, facilitated by the resources of United States Attorney-General Mason Perry, is ramping up. Moistureman had other business to turn to, but Howie Maui still is on your trail. And he is about to be joined by two more superheroes, one of whom cut short a visit with Greg Sutter in Wyoming to get in on this. Rattle-Sneak, be warned: the mutant Exohern is at least twenty percent swifter than you are, and can CONTINUE moving fast much longer than you can. Hand-Eye, the circumstantially-empowered hero Nonwhite Lightning has almost triple your voltage potential. It probably would be best, in a confrontation, for each of you ladies to take on the other one's counterpart.

"What's more, the crime-fighter Squire Vindictive is conducting his own search for you; and unlike most heroes, he will not rule out killing you if you are menacing innocent bystanders."

Hand-Eye shrugged. "I can get by without hurting innocent bystanders. I'll still steal from them, but I won't hurt them."
 
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Now for a peek at the Mandolorian-spoof arc .

Bulky Tanya's posse had concluded their stay on Planet Fetlock, where the Dimsaber WAS NOT to be found. By suppressing gangs of super-annoying telemarketers, the Banjolorian group had earned generous rewards. Their take included a rolling robot similar to BB-8 in the Sequel Trilogy. This droid's function menu included language abilities nearly equal to See-Threepio: an obvious asset when prosecuting an interstellar quest. So they were in good shape as they filed on board their expedition ships: Tanya's own ship Tantrum, and the noise-named freighter owned by Drilpret, a member of the race resembling Sebulba in Episode One.

Hours after they left Fetlock, those aboard Tanya's vessel were started by a translucent image appearing inside the pressure hull: no less than the Toofah-Roffian Master Yoga-Rug, who is my parody of Mel Brooks' parody of Master Yoda.

One of the male Banjolorians, Shorty Sleave, exclaimed, "Are you that Fuss user Gross-Goo, and you got old all at once?"

Yoga-Rug smiled, taking no offense. "No, but I'm actually related to him. I am Yoga-Rug, a senior master of the Up-Side Fellowship. I'm communicating with you in order to provide some plotline-advancing information."

"Is it about the Dimsaber?" Tanya quickly asked.

"Got it in one. The Dimsaber WAS on Planet Kromagdon until recently. Some fairly peaceful insect-like sapients live there. If you go to Kromagdon, your new droid will be able to communicate with the Kromagdonites. They in turn can describe for you whoever took away the Dimsaber. To locate the natives who saw the takers of the weapon, use your sensors to identify the largest settlement on the planet. Then land close to the north edge of the settlement, and look for a stone shrine."

Yoga-Rug knew that the Dimsaber had been taken (without killing anyone) by the Imperial officer Shrinkdin Trush, his Fuss-sensitive daughter Siskeli, and the not-excessively-wicked mercenary Blastodon Kroof. But Yoga-Rug withheld these identities, because he wanted the ambitious Banjolorians to be kept busy searching for more clues until Copperfox got around to continuing this plot arc again.
 
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Briefly revisiting the sub-reality based on "Starship Troopers"......

The first other solar system to have been colonized by Federal Earth was actually called "the Alpha Centauri system" by that human race. This iteration of Alpha Centauri was three times as far from Federal Earth as its counterpart was from Original Earth, and this Alpha Centauri possessed thirteen planets. The three closest-in planets were all similar to Mercury, but the farthest out of these three could support shielded habitats. Next outward was the one fully-inhabitable world, one with excellent living conditions, which had received the name "Fourthrock." And there were enclosed environments on moons of the system's gas-giant planets.

This system's version of the Oort Cloud possessed plotline-significant characteristics, which blocked the warp-travel power of the Psionic Bugs. Consequently, those master-monsters had never been able to send packs of Creepycrawlids, or deadly loose asteroids, to the human-inhabited worlds of this Alpha Centauri. This, in turn, meant that the Starship Grunts had not been needed on Fourthrock...... and it also meant that those human inhabitants here who never joined the Unified Services had found little occasion to learn about heroism, duty, and self-sacrifice.

After all the recently-visiting friendly aliens (humans from other Earth-variants here counting as aliens) had bidden the Stellar Assembly farewell, the God-hating Professor Tyrone Glass Neilsen picked up and moved to Fourthrock, where he assumed the presidency of the largest educational institution in the planetary capital, a university called the Realism Institution. There, he took to telling everyone that all the demigods and heroes who had lately begun interacting with the Human Federation were insignificant. FAR more valuable than world-saving champions of goodness, were tenured academicians who told everyone else what they should eat and what opinions should be allowed exposure in the media.

Juan Ricosuave and Lizzie Florist-Ricosuave, now enjoying peacetime and married life on Federal Earth, felt no sorrow at the scoffer going elsewhere to live and be abrasive.

The rest of us will almost certainly see more of Tyrone a month or two from now, and he'll probably still be just as narcissistic.

THIS HAS BEEN THE LAST INSTALLMENT IN MY LATEST SERIES OF QUICK PEEKS AT THE SCATTERED SUBPLOTS. COMING NEXT WILL BE MORE ACTION ON "MEDIUMGARD EARTH," WHERE COUNTERPARTS OF THE AVENGERS DWELL, AND WHERE THE "COSMIC FACT-CHECKERS" FROM JERSEY EARTH HAVE BEEN MAKING THEMSELVES OBNOXIOUS.
 
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The Britain of Mediumgard Earth had had its own version of C.S. Lewis, but this one's life had been very different from the life of the original one. To begin with, Mediumgard's Lewis had NOT lost his mother in childhood. Welbymark, the chief healer on Hallpasscard, had cured Flora of her illness, enabling her to be around to see her sons as adults. So "Jack" had never become embittered against the Actual God; but the fact that King Garryowen's people themselves acknowledged the Actual God meant that this Lewis would be much like the original one where using mythological elements in his writing was concerned. It had pleased Actual God AsaLion to see to it that this Lewis wrote novels similar to the Chronicles we know; but these books had not happened to include a version of the Calormenes. (Neither had their counterpart of Susan Pevensie been so foolish.)

The omission of Calormenes will become significant in the post after this one.

Another major difference was that Lewis and Tolkien had had things much easier in the First World War. Garryowen, Sprigga, Thorpe and the other Hallpasscardians had long since been told by AsaLion that they must not simply RULE their neighboring Earth-variant; but He had permitted them to intervene in ways that shortened human wars and reduced the death toll on both sides, as compared to wars on Original Earth. So the eventual writings of both Tolkien and Lewis had carried much less of a burden of sorrow. For instance, while still writing tales of Middle-Earth, Tolkien had not seen any need for Frodo to be deprived of a "regular" life. This Frodo got to marry a lady hobbit and have children with her. (Neither had Celeborn of Lothlorien been parted from Galadriel.)

Mediumgard's Lewis had never met Joy Gresham (whose husband on Mediumgard was a GOOD man, and Welbymark also kept her from dying of cancer, so all was well for her). Instead, Lewis had married the daughter of Mrs. Moore, and they also got to have children.

Those descendants of Mediumgard's Tolkien and Lewis who are alive at the time of my story, are all big fans of The Revengists. You'll meet one of them in a later post; she will in fact be DESCENDED FROM BOTH AUTHORS, through a daughter of Lewis having married the local version of Christopher Tolkien. She won't have "Lewis" or "Tolkien" as her surname, but she will be a great-granddaughter of both Inkling founders.

Yes, there was a version of the Inklings at Mediumgard Earth's Oxford University in the mid-20th century; but it had used the name "Coalbiters," a bit of trivia for you to look up.
 
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One of the evil immortals who have been mentioned in The Never-Stopping Story is called Inexorable Trash. He had assumed this name of his own accord, because he knew about the C.S. Lewis of Original Earth, and particularly desired to oppose and thwart the values Mister Lewis had advocated.

A quarter-century before my serial begins, Inexorable Trash had been meddling on Mediumgard. AsaLion had told the Odin-equivalent King Garryowen: "You don't need to attack Trash; he knows that I'm keeping My eye on him, and that I'll squash him like a bug if he attempts to harm any living thing on this Earth. But I am permitting him to feed some ideas to corrupted humans, who already chose to hate Me of their own accord. The actions those unrepentant sinners will do, based on his suggestions, will become an occasion for other mortals to see which side is right and which side is wrong."

"Your perfect will be done, Lord," the King of Hallpasscard had replied. "While You are being visibly present here, do You have any other instructions for my Queen and me?"

"Yes, a matter not directly connected with Inexorable Trash. You recall the mortal hero Steve Rusher."

"Yes, Lord, the one called Colonel America. Is it time now for him to be awakened from hibernation?"

"Not yet, but in a few more years. When he emerges from the ice, have Prince Thorpe and the Warriors Four befriend him. Colonel Rusher will be of great value in the war against the evil titan Flatnose."

After the Actual God in His fiction-friendly aspect ceased to be visible, Garryowen related their discussion to others, and ordered Bridgekeeper Timekall to keep a record of everything that Inexorable Trash did on Mediumgard. One thing the incarnate demon did was to persuade some fake Christians-- who would not even recognize the blasphemous joke-- to name their new church The Church of Tashlan.
 
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The Church of Tashlan was located on the North Island of New Zealand. Its founding pastor, a woman calling herself Jessica Semiconductor, had perished during Mediumgard's climactic battle against Flatnose. She had been there in Wonkabara, scolding the Wonkabarans, the Revengists and the Hallpasscardians for what she called their Titanophobia, when a blaster shot from one of Flatnose's troopers took her head off. Her son Dalton had inherited leadership of the Church of Tashlan. As we pick up the action, Dalton Semiconductor was introducing a fourteen-year-old guest to his flock.

"Friends and comrades, meet Festus Joss, one of the wonderful Cosmic Fact Checkers. He has told me the real story about WHY the Nazi dictator of the United States arrested Sawyer Boyd and Cosmo Taylor in Antarctica. Festus, please tell everyone what your friends discovered."

Festus could hear everything being said around him; his earplug gems allowed their voices through, because members of the Church of Tashlan held the same worldview as his. Now he drew himself up, trying to look like a hero bravely speaking truth to power.

"Cosmo and Sawyer discovered a secret facility in Antarctica, where plans were being made to enslave everyone on this Earth-variant. And if the Neo-Nazis could pull it off, they would move on to conquer my own Earth. All they want is to oppress everyone who's different. They'll dictate what everyone's allowed to eat, or wear, everything. And when America's dictator Paden Glumm came to arrest Sawyer and Cosmo, he was accompanied by one of the storm troopers from your neighbor planet. They want to rob you all of choice and self-fulfillment!"

Suddenly, a local Maori tribesman in a pew near the front stood up and spoke. But Festus couldn't hear this man-- so he had to be a dissenter.

"Kid, you clearly haven't been on this Earth long enough to know a blessed thing about it. Neither the Revengists, nor Hallpasscard, nor the existing government of our world's United States of America, tries to _force_ anyone to believe certain things, or to dress a certain way, or to abstain from--"

Dalton interrupted the native, and Festus could hear this: "Stop, traitor! You've sold out to the evil business corporations!"

The congregation included five athletic women who kept their hair short. At a cue from their not at all muscular pastor, these women surrounded the Maori, trying to take hold of him and hustle him out of the sanctuary. They had seen too many television shows about invincible women. He dragged them all with him, not toward the exit but toward the pulpit. Once he was where falling wouldn't hurt the women, he tossed them away like taking off a jacket. After speaking to Dalton Semiconductor, the island warrior strode away on his own power.

When the uproar died away, Festus asked the pastor what the "hatemonger" had said.

"He said that the Hallpasscardians have been around for the entire history of our own Earth, and they have never oppressed us. I suppose this _might_ be true from one point of view; but we mustn't allow it to stop us from fighting for equity and justice."

--- The Maori gentleman will not be seen again here; he was a handy story device. Assume that he has a good life and ultimately goes to Aslan's Country.
 
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In the suburbs of Nairobi, Kenya, A man named Solomon Bahiti owned the third biggest hardware store in the entire Nairobi metropolitan area. He had followed the news about the "Cosmic Fact Checkers," but prior to this post, none of them had shown themselves in his neighborhood. All this changed on a Monday morning, as he was opening for business.

What he beheld was a sort of parade, led by an aging white woman who probably had been good- looking twenty-five years before. She had on her forehead a red jewel, which seemed to be like the ones reported to be inserted in the ears of the strange off-world boys. A man her age, with a fawning, subservient manner, walked near her. All the people walking behind them were locals known to Solomon-- except for two teenage boys who had, sure enough, something in their ears. Given what was in the news, there was no cause to fear violence from these newcomers. Note that nobody in Kenya had heard yet about the vampiric transformation that Bleeder and Shurthingy had encountered.

What Mister Bahiti knew for certain was that he had no means of keeping super-powered intruders out of his place of business, if they intended to rob him as he knew some American businesses had been robbed. But he would not cringe and simper before them. Instead, he strode up to within five paces of the foreign woman.

"Are you Sally Heflin from the United States?"

"That's _Shelly_ Heflin. But don't look so uneasy." As her earplugged companions came up alongside her, she went on: "Here are my little brothers from that other Earth, Marley Shadoof and Zed Forsythe. Together we have recruited your new labor force, and brought them here to start work."

"Excuse me? My wife, sons, daughters and brothers are enough of a labor force for my needs, thank you."

Lance Heflin meekly tugged at Shelley's sleeve. "Did you notice? He talked about _his_ needs."

Shelley nodded, not taking her eyes of Solomon. "Yes, I noticed, Mister Bahiti. This hardware store is the _people's_ hardware store; by saying otherwise, you reveal your toxic attachment to a system of greed and hate. But you have a splendid opportunity now to make things right, by giving these good people a living wage!" Even as she spoke, her locally-acquired followers pushed their way inside the building, eliciting angry shouts from all members of the extended Bahiti family who were inside. Zed and Marley hastened into the store behind their new friends, activating their force-field power to restrain the rightfully-present people from doing anything against the intruders.

And the interlopers began carrying tools and other merchandise outdoors-- not running away with any of it, but piling it all near the northern edge of the Bahiti family's property.
 
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