Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

On the surface of Riggblit, south of the equator, Hakstabkyll was conferring with Yathmol, a purple-skinned, long-snouted female sapient native to a planet within Imperial space; and with Trubsocto, the most reasonable and cooperative male among the Barnsmell. These two shared the virtue of knowing a bit about spacecraft systems, and would be of some use operating the one spaceship available to the Mintcandybarri diehard.

At this moment, however, the subject of their talk was a sort of self-hypnosis practiced by the brutal Barnsmell.

"This mental exercise," Trubsocto explained, "was how we restrained ourselves from killing people who were useful to us alive. When we go into the ultra-calm state, no one can detect any hostile intent from us, because we literally don't have any hostile intent."

"But Lord Hakstabkyll," Yathmol put in, "how can you be sure of coming out of this condition, to be able to attack the intruders now loitering in our star system?"

"I can't be sure, Yathmol. Can't even be sure that we'll find circumstances in which attacking them would have any hope of success. But I'm playing the long game. Since we probably CAN'T kill them, there's nothing to lose by being --ugh-- peaceful toward them."

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The fact that the side of good had liberated all the slaves on Takniss could not be hidden forever. Several Popquizzitors who have not yet been mentioned in our saga had uncovered this fact, and had reported it to Thuglyfe Skrawn. They were:

-- Trillyun Subaru, female Chisskurdian, same race as the Admiral AND same race as the sisters Tapidri and Tarvili Drifla who were War Witches under Granny Rudeness on Awkwardisp. As beautiful as the Drifla sisters, but NOT as likeable.

-- Huhutilbo, a male of the Glukks, the icky biped race who had formerly served the now-eliminated Shadythings in the Babylon Five-related storyverse. Huhutilbo had known of the existence of the Empire of Evil Badness; and of the very few surviving Glukks, he had become the only one to seek asylum in the Empire. The Glukks' organic ability to manipulate light waves had been reasonably assessed by the Popquizzitors as a manifestation of The Fuss, and he had taken easily to the uses of a down-side Fuss ring.


-- Kann-Hon Faha-Der, a corrupted male Tryyurluck, one of the variety with only one large head-tail. His one distinctive technique was that he could emit a Fuss push from his head-tail. He really really hated any Tryyurluck woman who fell in love with a human man, as Noherra Synthmusica had done.

-- Dorkrasha, human female, nothing very remarkable about her except that she enjoyed vandalizing places. When the quartet investigated the vacant slave quarters on Takniss, Dorkrasha had wasted her time breaking things instead of looking for clues to where everyone had gone.


Over time, these Popquizzitors had picked up rumors of escaped or abandoned slaves dwelling in the Narockpop system (one name for the star system containing Planet Riggblit). Shortly before the point in time where we've left Moose Windchime, they received a go-ahead to scout that system, bringing a troop of Chipotli battle robots with them.

Along the way, they were contacted by a small flotilla of space pirates, who had been driven out of Bubblewrap Coalition space and were looking for new employment in evildoing. Thanks to their down-side Fuss, Trillyun and company knew to accept their word, and welcomed them into the service of the Empire.


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Hakstabkyll called the Adjustment, and received permission for himself, Trubsocto and Yathmol to come alongside in their ship and come on board. The two Green Flashlights did not reveal themselves when the trio from the planet arrived; but Masters Moose Windchime and Quinine Sauce were intimidating enough, standing calmly and coldly in front of the airlock. And the visitors were put out of reckoning by the fact that Moose had a guitar slung in front of him.

"Emissaries, we give you a fair chance to prove yourselves," Quinine told them. "We understand now that former slaves are on Riggblit, which inclines us to trust you-- tentatively." Moose began softly playing a blues melody as his fellow up-sider continued. "But Master Windchime has a special gift: identifying what he calls 'Shatterplaces,' crucial turns of circumstance. A Shatterplace appears to have occurred on Riggblit since you, Hakstabkyll, came here-- and, Trubsocto, VERY soon after your people arrived."

As the least threatening of the visitors by far, Yathmol said, "Masters, we former slaves have scant opportunity to shatter anything."

"That's it!" Moose Windchime's exclamation startled his own shipmates, Melodica included, as much as it startled the visitors. He pointed the end of his guitar at the Barnsmell. "You have not been a slave, but you have POSSESSED slaves. And they are dead now, aren't they?"

Moose made his open accusation in the knowledge that the bad guys wouldn't know about the two Green Flashlights covertly standing by.

Trubsocto shrugged. "We did transition them to their next life, since Riggblit was unhealthy for them, and we lacked the medical resources to make life bearable for them here."

Quinine, Melodica and others looked at Moose, who said: "I detect some truth in this, because Doldarump or Narockpop--" (giving two names for the local star) does have a dominant radiation frequency which can trouble races from a system with a dimmer sun. And I happen to know that the Pindowny-- yes, I know it's they of whom you speak-- are accustomed to dimmer sunlight."

Hakstabkyll and his companions were taken aback by NOT being angrily denounced. The Mintcandybarri man kept his poker face, and behind it used all his mental discipline in order NOT to seem guilty. "So, do you intend to meddle in the new, free society we are building?"

"Not unless we see pressing cause to intervene. We will, however, loiter in-system for at least a few days. We will make it known that anyone on Riggblit who wants to leave will be helped to do so; and THIS, you will not hinder."

Moose intended to get in touch with Woodrow Ackerman from the Bubblewrap Five sub-reality, who could facilitate such emigration. His friends understood that Moose wanted no unnecessary bloodbaths on his watch.
 
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When Twishdok and Poradsimu felt sure that Hakstabkyll's party would not attempt any suicidal attack on the up-side masters, they took off to visit a planetary settlement they had already detected. It consisted of eighteen dugout shacks, like half-sunken doll houses, all of which were inhabited by members of the armadillo-like sapient race which had retractable tentacles to handle objects.

The neckless Poradsimu had more extensive experience using his Flashlight to decipher unfamiliar people's languages. So he told the armored people: "We belong to a body of power-users which is very similar to the Up-Side Fellowship. We also have some knowledge of the cosmic sector where Hakstabkyll was born. We understand that people who have settled here have justified complaints against the Empire of Evil Badness. But we seek to know if you have fared any better with Hakstabkyll as a leader."

A female armadilloid replied, "Hakstabkyll has done no violence to anyone of our own race, nor to the others as far as we know."

A male added, "The last time humanoids from the Empire landed here, Hakstabkyll killed them all. We don't know if those Imperial personnel intended us any evil, but we do know that the Mintcandybarri man wishes us well."


Poradsimu gave what passed for a frown. "Have any of you individuals yet encountered the tall hairy ones called Barnsmell? Bigger than I, and carnivorous?"

A different female replied, "We know of them, and have been shown a picture of them, but have not met them in person. Hakstabkyll has ordered them to remain in their assigned area till further notice."

By means undetectable to the armadilloids, Poradsimu told Twishdok, "The dominant humanoid apparently doesn't fully trust the Barnsmell not to devour additional sapient beings if unsupervised."
 
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Nonsmoka Tiptoe, meanwhile, was concentrating on sensing any distant evil..... you know, like four evil Popquizzitors bringing a significant military force to the Narockpop-or-Doldarump star system.

Yup, that was what was coming. So Nonsmoka asked the Goldarn family in their small ship to take her and Samladel Fripp a couple of light-years out, in the general direction of Empire territory. Soon she was able to brief the other Fuss users with a pretty good estimate of the opposition.

Which gave Moose Windchime another Shatterplace intuition.

He reached Hakstabkyll by radio and stated truthfully: "Space and ground forces of the Empire of Evil Badness are approaching this system. Considering that you have previously slain Imperial personnel who came to reconnoiter this world, the Popquizzitors are not likely to greet you with affection."

THe Mintcandybarri veteran answered: "I assume you're about to propose an alliance of convenience. But you really disapprove of my Barnsmell friends for euthanizing those Pindowny, don't you?"

"Fuss wielders of the Up-Side Fellowship do not make themselves judge and jury; and the Empire is our greatest enemy. If this Imperial incursion is defeated, we are prepared to accept your local status quo, although we WILL be watching Riggblit closely."

Hakstabkyll couldn't completely hide the sneer in his voice. "I can't deny that we need your ships for top cover if there's a fight, but we don't need your help on the planet. In fact, if there's a surface battle, you probably should fight on the Imperial side, so it won't be too easy for my side."
 
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Moose left the crew of Adjustment in charge of acknowledging any new messages from Hakstabkyll, and called a metahuman conference with Melodica, Quinine, Nonsmoka, Samladel, Twishdok and Poradsimu.

"Remember, folks, that Thuglyfe Skrawn is acquainted with the Barnsmell. Although I would never turn my back on Hakstabkyll unless I had a Fuss choke on him, at least he does what he believes to be right. The Barnsmell are without conscience, and might side with Imperial troops in the event of a battle. This, then, is my new Shatterplace: If Hakstabkyll not only discovers that the Barnsmell are not his friends, but also ends up owing his life to up-siders, he might become a moral beacon, to correct any of his race who have shared his grudges."

"If I can be spared from the wider action," said Twishdok, "perhaps I should inconspicuously stay close to where Hakstabkyll is. For all his faults, it appears that the former slaves of all races trust him and rely on him. If they lose him, they might also lose the will to resist being enslaved again."

Before Moose Windchime could reply, the holographic image of Master Drool appeared and gave his own reply to the velociraptor-shaped hero: "I believe you are correct, Flashlight Twishdok. Friends, I have good news for you. Members of the Vaglod Clan--" (this being the Goldarnit clan to which the Goldarns presently with Moose's party belonged) "--are enroute to assist you in three small battle frigates. I have shown them the best approach route to Riggblit, to avoid being spotted by the Imperial force. They will get here about half an hour before the down-siders arrive. And they know now what Poradsimu and Twishdok look like, thus will recognize you two as allies."
 
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DIM JARGON THE BANJOLORIAN, with his blind kung-fu fighter wife Tien-Hai and the Ugandan superhero Black Giraffe (the latter two being native to Anime Earth), had hopped over to Planet Toofah-Roff, where they picked up Bestbaya the teenager-ish niece of Master Yoga-Rug, and the tall, flightless-bird-like up-sider Zubdookree. Your author, however, cannot seem to FIND any reference to what they were DOING. Copperfox therefore invokes the Retcon Effect, to decree that these five heroes dealt successfully with whatever situation it was that they initially faced, and that it was NOT anything related to the Dimsaber quest.

This detail being put behind us, we now bring the gallant quintet into contact with Trablo Kuldivan from the Bubblewrap Five story arc. Trablo belongs to the human-like Braykpedduli race, which can see in almost total darkness. Trablo used to work with (and still is friendly with) space merchant Woodrow Ackerman, the black-true-human spacer who saved the life of a Braykpedduli lady named Yessa and ended up marrying her. Yessa's grateful family set Woodrow up as owner-captain of an armed cargo ship, which became involved in the liberation of Planet Takniss. Woodrow and Yessa's relationship is one of mutual true love, and will eventually produce viable children. But that's for another time. The Ackermans, and their ship the Queen Yessa, have no direct involvement in what's up next.

Trablo's ship, the Constance Tilbury, is named for a valiant Earthlyforce captain who died heroically in battle. The Tilbury enjoys the latest in defensive-screen technology, provided by the Republic of Lots of Worlds; and for offense, carries a modest arsenal of anti-ship missiles. In addition, having more onboard space than the Yessa, the Tilbury carries along two latest-model Earthlyforce Skyfury fighters. Assigned as pilots for these are Snack Salad, whose Tryyurluck bride Noherra is also present, and Corin Webber, the man who formerly was trapped inside a Shadything warship. Although Snack is senior in service to Corin, Corin has more fighter-jock experience than Snack, and so is in charge if they do a sortie.

I'm pretty sure that my counterpart of Grogu is on board the Tilbury too. We shall proceed, assuming that Dim Jargon has had a happy reunion with Gross-Goo..... but Jack Black and Lizzo ARE NOT anywhere in the vicinity.
 
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By now, thanks in part to the coordinating efforts of Yoga-Rug, Earl Pufferton, and Master Drool, communication between the Bubblewrap Coalition, the Republic of Lots of Worlds and the Human Federation based on "Starship Troopers" was fairly regular. But the Republic of Lots of Worlds had more member planets than the other two communities combined; thus, many worlds in the Republic had yet to be visited by citizens of the other two.

Federal Earth had just lately received a return visit from Republic hero Pro Dashalong, in command of a squadron of A-Frame long-range fighter-bombers. Now, by arrangement, a Unified Services transport ship, called the Wagonmaster, set out with Captain Dashalong's ships escorting it. Also by arrangement, this convoy made rendezvous with the Constance Tilbury. From there, they all set a course for Kantpoo, a prominent world in the Republic, but one which their respective communities had not yet contacted specifically. Being advised of the prevalent nutritional preferences of Kantpoolians, both freighters included abundant vegan foods as part of their cargo. Also included in both consignments were assorted works of sculpture, since Kantpoolians were also known to love the fine arts.


The reader may recall that the Human Federation acquired friendly ties with Planet Awkwardlisp-- AFTER Twerpseid was overthrown. Just before the Wagonmaster got underway, a representative of the virtuous King Truthside had arrived at the Stellar Assembly chamber by wormhole. This was a near-human woman called Fisspelra: a bit heavy-set, but not so much as to seem grotesque to true-human eyes. She was among the War Witches converted to the side of good after the execution of Granny Rudeness. Truthside had learned enough about Kantpoo to understand that the combined mercantile delegation would make a better impression on the matriarchal world if women were prominent in it. So Fisspelra would be assigned to do some of the talking with officials of the host government.

The Wagonmaster was likewise captained by a woman, a Commander Lanette Grudenko. But Lanette would not be told that she must discard the leader of her ground-security detail: Master Sergeant Ace Basey, who had formerly served with Juan Ricosuave against the now-suppressed Creepycrawlids. After all, even the Kantpoolians didn't bar men from armed service.

None of the visitors had thought to check on Kantpoo's rotation of temporary queens; but fortuitously, a new queen had only just ascended to the throne, so the delegation could formally congratulate the just-crowned Queen Kordramil.
 
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At a villa on Planet Kantpoo:

"Grandmother, why can't Duke come to the university with us?"

"I told you, Dana: he hasn't finished his still-life flower painting."

"But you already made him do three other paintings this week! You made him miss two stick-fighting practices."

Harshyanna Armadillo scowled at her granddaughter. "He has to be kept in his place, or he'll turn into a dirty savage who wants all women to be slaves! You're not helping things when you argue for letting him spend more time on warrior skills."

"But Papa said in the video he left for us that he wanted BOTH of us to be free to learn whatever skills we could do best!"

"Well, Acne-Skin CAN'T have meant for your brother to learn to be a killer."

"But, Grandmother, you always want ME to practice how to kill people."

"That's because combat skills should only be studied by persons with kind hearts."

"But Master Yoga-Rug, Master Kanoli, Master Sauce, Master Korn, and Master Windchime are all male, and they all have kind hearts."

"Don't argue, girl! They only pretend to be kind; they really hate everyone who's different!"

"But if they hate everyone who's different, they should hate each other."

"No more back-talk! We're skimming to the campus now, and Duke stays at his easel!"
 
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Before she was chosen for a term as Queen of Kantpoo, Poormee Armadillo-Spacewalker had been on track to become a history teacher at the government university nearest to her family estate. Since being bereaved of Acne-Skin, she had been granted her teaching position-- which, together with her modest retirement stipend for having been a queen, had left her financially secure.

The three non-human Fuss adepts accompanying the visiting merchants were not personal acquaintances to Poormee, but Zubdookree and Bestbaya knew her by reputation. They, with Noherra, Captain Dashalong and the two freighter captains, spoke to her with equal respect as to Queen Kordramil. Kantpoolian journalists congregated in the university's biggest lecture hall, to question the visitors about what they anticipated from new trade relations. Considerable camera time was given to the sculptures both merchant ships had brought to sell.

When reporters, or the newcomers, asked questions about her children by Acne-Skin, Poormee spoke at length about her husband and her children, and allowed Dana to speak for herself about their family life.

Kordramil, and the assembled faculty members, were a little taken aback when Poormee added something about her son: "Duke has all of his father's good qualities, without Acne-Skin's less-good qualities. Duke is bold when it's appropriate, quiet when that's appropriate; and throws himself into every task, whether he enjoys it or not. He doesn't much enjoy painting pictures, but every painting of his since he turned five has been excellent. I firmly believe that he'll be a Fuss Master before his thirtieth birthday."

Kordramil stiffened in her chair. "Why are you praising your male child so much? What about your daughter?"

Poormee stiffened right back. "What do YOU mean, 'what about'? I have not said any less about Dana than I've said about Duke."

Snack Salad impulsively piped up: "I was looking at my chronometer. Missus Spacewalker spoke half a minute LONGER about her daughter than about her son."

From the lower seats, Harshyanna shouted: "She did not! Count on a mere male to be wrong about time!"

Zubdookree, known to be a female of her species, exclaimed, "I also observed the passage of time, and even without counting the time Dana herself was talking, the retired queen DID NOT speak longer about her son."

"Linear thinking!" harrumphed Harshyanna. "Intolerant objectivism!"

"That's enough," said the reigning Queen of Kantpoo. "We need to be discussing trade relations."
 
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Some of the university students witnessing the meeting were from the long-eared Glugfin race which co-existed with humans on Kantpoo. After another hour of main-topic dialogue, a wider assortment of subjects began to be brought up. One elderly male Glugfin, Sop-Sop Chug by name, addressed Lanette Grudenko:

"Commander Grudenko, none of us here is knowing much about you people's planets, except only seems you long were only finding planets where is humans like you. Did was it being a shock when you met new races besides the things as were trying to eat up you?"

Lanette Grudenko smiled at Zubdookree, and at the near-human Fisspelra, then replied to Sop-Sop: "After having to fight the Creepycrawlids, we were nothing but pleased to meet beings who didn't want to devour us. And as it turned out, of newly-encountered peoples, the only ones really threatening to us WERE FELLOW HUMANS."

Corin Webber interjected: "I was a witness to a variety of hostile races invading an Earth-variant lower in science than the Earth-variant which Commander Grudenko comes from. Beings very different from humans were invaders there, and other beings ALSO very different from humans were on the defending side."

Nodding acknowledgement to Webber, Sop-Sop next addressed Trablo: "Captain Kuldivan, already is I knowing that your ship has more in crew than one race. Glugfins now enjoys access to Kantpoolian higher educating, thanks to human queens especially Poormee. If more is commerce, maybe can some Glugfins get educating and employmenting on your worlds?"

Trablo nodded. "Yes, it should be possible for Glugfins to attend schools on planets of the Bubblewrap Coalition."

Fisspelra put in: "The planet where I live is working to improve its four main bodies of water, what we call the Watery Tetrahedron. Workers of your kind, able to breathe water as well as air, could make themselves useful there. But I owe it to you to warn you that jobs in that major project would be hazardous."

Sop-Sop did a sort of nodding with his long tongue. "We is brave peoples, but not are suicidal. Near future, you and ship captains can please talk some longer about jobs in water at your planets."
 
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When Poormee, Dana and Harshyanna came home to their villa, it was to find a domestic robot, called Zoom-22, lying partially disassembled, with Duke bent over it. Harshyanna shrieked in rage.

"This is why stupid males can't be left unsupervised! That hooligan wrecked the droid!!"

Zoom-22, however, still was able to speak. "Correction, mistress, I am not wrecked. Master Duke is performing maintenance on me. He detected signs of overheating, and has just replaced a component in my cooling system."

"Pure luck!" snapped the grandmother. "Duke obviously was playing, and found a discrepancy by chance. If he even did finish his painting, he should have been doing his algebra homework now."

"Mistress, I call your attention to this;" and the droid projected an image of Duke's still-life painting, complete. Duke, his gaze turning cold, pointed. "There, grandmother, you can see the same finished painting Zoom just imaged. And close to it is the comp-tablet on which you'll find my FINISHED mathematics assignment."

Even when she had been a temporary queen, Poormee had found it hard ever to rebuke her abrasive mother. But now she decided this was enough of Harshyanna's irrational tantrums. "Mother, quit it! Duke has done everything right!"

Being secretly in the service of the Hopecrushers, Harshyanna still would not admit that she really knew she was in the wrong. "But Poormee, that's even worse! Don't you see it? If Duke does everything right, that makes him IMPOSSIBLY PERFECT! The cosmic balance of The Fuss requires heroes to have serious flaws, so that I can scold-- I mean, so that they'll understand the all-ness of the everything-ness."

Duke walked up close enough to his maternal grandmother that he had to tilt his head to look at her face. "All right, Grandmother, since you want me to have some flaws, how about the flaw of saying that YOU are an annoying idiot? Oops, that doesn't count as a fault in me, because you ARE an idiot!"

Shrieking hysterically, Harshyanna tried to strike her grandson with a closed fist..... but her whole right arm was trapped and immobilized by The Fuss. The spiteful old woman's expression changed into a look of terror when she realized that it was Duke himself doing this.

"Mercy! Don't hurt me! I was wrong, I admit it, I just WANTED you to be inferior, to stroke my own pride! Please don't hurt me!"

"I won't hurt you, Grandmother, because I believe in kindness and self-restraint. However--" Here the boy looked at his astonished mother and sister. "It's time to reveal that there've been at least four times when Grandmother was alone with me, and she physically struck me on the slightest of pretext, because she just ENJOYED hitting me. Only me; she never struck Dana."

Dana, wide-eyed, tugged at Poormee's wrist. "Mother, I didn't know that about Grandmother, but now I know Duke is telling the truth, I know it by The Fuss! She did hit him, when he wasn't doing anything bad!"

Poormee struggled to find words; then Zoom-22 found words for her: "Harshyanna Armadillo, the maternal unit of the two child units means to advise you that you are no longer welcome on this property, and you should be grateful that no criminal charges will be brought against you. You have other quarters available to you, and you will transfer your personal belongings there with reasonable haste."

Poormee drew a long breath. "Yeah, what it said."

 
Soon after Harshyanna moved back into her official (and very comfortable) retirement lodging, a visitor joined her through a secret entrance. As far as most Kantpoolians knew, this man was a rare-fabrics merchant from a planet at the far edge of Republic territory. The Republic was so big that no individual could be familiar with all of its member worlds, especially if you added in the unaffiliated worlds which conducted commerce with it.

The "merchant" went by the name of Nayir Nosnaj; but his real name was Dizwarn. The downfall of the Snarkonnens on Planet Greedy Crime had left Doctor Dizwarn with no way to remain useful to Hopecrusher Central if staying there; so he had repackaged himself.


"Harshy, are you well? My mini-drones observed you being expelled from Poormee's house; has young Duke's toxic masculinity already grown THAT insistent and controlling?"

Harshyanna walked over and kissed him. (Remember that her daughter Poormee became a mother fairly young, so Harshyanna being a grandmother doesn't make her a dusty fossil.) "You don't need to cheer me up by maintaining the narrative when we're alone. We both know there's nothing wrong with my grandson. That's why we're trying so hard to MAKE him go wrong. If he continues practicing such a noble mixture of strength, humility, self-discipline and compassion, we'll never succeed at changing him into a bitter failure who drinks green milk and gives up on life."

Dizwarn clasped her hand. "On the optimistic side, if we can't cause Duke Spacewalker to become a pathetic joke, we still may be able to DECEIVE people that he is. If he walks a paladin's road, but never gets any credit for it; if he becomes the next best thing to Jesus Christ, but no one believes it; then the prestige of goodness will still suffer, and we'll enjoy the added joke that the hero truly WAS a hero, but no one acknowledged him."

"For that option to work, we need to take away his endorsements. Duke's sister currently respects him profoundly; we need to see if she can be made to despise him."
 
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At the same university where the merchant captains met the Kantpoolian public, Dim Jargon and Tien-Hai Jargon, with Black Giraffe, wandered over to the athletic field. A female gym teacher named Fahufri met them and began to show them around. They saw groups of girls practicing genuine athletic events, like foot racing and pole vaulting. Meanwhile, groups of boys were energetically knitting scarves and trimming the local equivalent of rose bushes.

Being provided with plotline-convenient means of understanding and being understood, Black Giraffe said, "We've been told that Kantpoolian men can become soldiers. But is this how they train for it?"

Fahufri laughed. "Of course we let men serve in uniform. But only boys DESIRING this career path have any reason to become tough; the rest are allowed to learn proper male skills, like baking plant-based cookies."

Dim restrained himself from commenting, and the three visitors quietly strolled over to watch the actual athletic stuff. In Tien-Hai's case, this meant listening to every audible detail. Presently the Chinese native of Non-Communist-China Anime Earth muttered to her husband in Chinese, "The young women's foot placement is inefficient."


"How so?"

"At each stride, they're bringing the foot down almost flat, instead of rolling it forward from heel to ball as we do. That's bad for their arches."

"You'll have to be the one to tell them; I doubt that their trainer would listen to me." Turning to face the school coach: "Miss Fahufri? My --partner, who is herself an athlete though 'other-ly abled,' wishes to share an observation."


And sure enough, the coach did accept the advice when coming from a woman. All would have stayed smooth and cordial, if some of the girl athletes had not felt a wish to humiliate the male observers, challenging them to a race on the cross-country course. "We'll even allow you males a fifty-meter head start." So Dim and Giraffe took their positions in advance of the usual starting line. When asked why he was keeping his armor and helmet on, Dim replied, "Perhaps my fragile male ego desires an excuse for when I get left far behind." This got a laugh.

The young women's laughter was not destined to be repeated.

When the starting signal was given, Dim and Giraffe began at a slow jog, deliberately letting even the slowest of the girls overtake them. Only after all the students were half a mile ahead of them did the Banjolorian say to the Ugandan, "No need to wait for me."

Having the strength of ten or more men, Black Giraffe left the swiftest of the Kantpoolian students in his wake less than a minute later. Dim Jargon caught up to the slowest of the girls two minutes after that. As he passed girl after girl, Dim told them, "Don't feel bad about being smoked by my friend; he has metahuman strength." Once he had repeated this to the foremost of the students, he exerted his own maximum speed-- which, albeit far inferior to Black Giraffe's pace, nonetheless took him across the finish line when the swiftest of the young women still was a quarter-mile behind him.
 
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Fahufri hurried to meet the foremost of her students, to help the panting girl walk off her exhaustion. After they reached the finish line (others parting left and right to stagger past them), the indignant coach wagged a finger at the Banjolorian's visored face.

"No normal-human male could do that! You cheated! You're wearing powered armor that did the running for you!"

Tien-Hai quickly said to her husband in Chinese, "I can hide your face while you doff armor."

With just a hasty reference to the face-hiding rule of his branch of the Banjolorian people, Dim began unfastening his armor piece by piece. When only his helmet remained to be removed, Tien-Hai held up her jacket as a curtain to keep her husband's face unseen. They remained like this while Fahufri summoned electronics experts from the university's faculty to examine the armor components.

Every one of these women informed Fahufri that the suit possessed no features which could increase the wearer's running speed. Fahufri attempted one final gambit, suggesting that maybe Dim Jargon wasn't even human.

But Tien-Hai guided the coach's right hand inside the improvised curtain, to touch Dim's face. Next, Tien-Hai displayed the life-mask of Dim's face that she carried around with her for just such occasions. "Yes, my husband is fully human." Helping Dim to put his armor back on starting with the helmet, she told Fahufri, "One feature the armor does have is sanitary nanobots which reduce his body odor. Now, I will accept your apology for calling my husband a cheater and a liar. To spare your female ego, I promise that if you DON'T apologize to Dim, it will be a WOMAN who immediately teaches you to mind your manners."


Fahufri humbly apologized, after which Dim told her, "I'm satisfied. No hard feelings."
 
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Another nine Kantpoolian days passed without any incidents worse than Fahufri trying to slander the Banjolorian. Gratifying progress was made at forging commercial agreements. Likewise in that period of meetings, Dizwarn and Harshyanna found no opportunity to discredit, mislead or corrupt anybody good-aligned. And Duke Spacewalker, as much as his twin sister, enjoyed making acquaintance with Zubdookree and other interesting off-worlders.

And then somebody showed up with "Duke" as his title, not a phonetic syllable used as a first name. This was a gentleman from a planet not belonging to the Republic of Lots of Worlds, but friendly to it. I refer to Duke Diskoduck of Directvideo, the cousin of Princess Vixen the wife of Groan Starr. Still holding his office as the Directvidean ambassador to Planet Cakebun, Diskoduck had acquired additional powers from the alien artifact he had encountered. One power was having premonitions, like T'Pinnok Zur on Planet Punksteema. The gesture to activate this power was putting a finger into one ear, then withdrawing it while putting a finger in his other ear. Diskoduck had learned things which led him to sail for Kantpoo, sending a subspace hail to Queen Kordramil.

Accompanying the Duke were his pilot-trained wife Wilma, the scientist Jean Yuss from Planet Spacebull, the furry police commander Antilacor from Planet Chimpanzia, and two Cakebunter men who don't get any dialogue, but who helped run the Duke's ship. Using still another artifact-based power, the power to locate valuable items, Diskoduck had found incredibly rare gems on a minor planet of the Bakesum system. He had assigned rights in this find to the Cakebunter people, but those people had not minded his having some of them for trade purposes. Guided by the lately-received premonition that he would achieve great things if he went to Kantpoo, Diskoduck arrived there while the combined merchant group still was there.

To be brief, the Bakesum system's gems were a huge hit. The Duke sold a few to each of the three contingents, receiving in exchange a quantity of interstellar vouchers for spaceship fuel and suchlike stuff.

He also received another premonition, an uncommonly plotline-convenient one: he would uncover an important secret if he asked Professor Yuss to use the Spacebullion past-event-viewing technology to uncover the past of a certain Lady Harshyanna Armadillo.
 
Hearing about a technology-based power (though arising from arcane alien technology) which could parallel extra-sensory talents without a person using The Fuss, Queen Kordramil and Federal Earth's Lanette Grudenko were especially interested. The Toofah-Roffian girl Bestbaya, related to Yoga-Rug, had already sensed that something was troubling Poormee and her children; so the Queen arranged to invite her predecessor over to the palace. (Duke and Dana had Zoom-22 to look after them.)

To move things forward: when Jean Yuss had Poormee touch the past-viewer, the device became able to replay past events which had an effect on Poormee; and the hostility of Harshyanna to her son-in-law Acne-Skin certainly had a bearing on Poormee's life. Now the watchers could see that Harshyanna had not merely wanted Acne-Skin to be a miserable failure. She had wanted Poormee's husband to go totally down-side, joining Porkanbeen and Count Spooky. This, not because she actually liked Porkanbeen, but because she hated the idea of anybody MALE defeating those evildoers.


Antilacor, a detective by temperament as well as by profession, asked Jean Yuss, "If she wasn't for the self-proclaimed Emperor, whom WAS she for?" As soon as he had asked this, the time-scanner projected the image of a gigantic mothership.

Eyes widening, Lanette cried, "That's a Naughtygator jump-ship! Naughtygators colluded with Snarkonnens and their Lazytaxie friends, in an attempt to conquer and rule my Earth-variant!"

Bestbaya nodded. "Only-One Kanoli, and Pro Dashalong if I remember correctly, were involved in thwarting that attempted conquest."

Kordramil sprang up and issued an order for Harshyanna to be detained; but the Naughtygators, having their own prescience, had known that Harshyanna was in danger of being arrested, so they evacuated her with Dizwarn.
 
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IN THE DETROIT, MICHIGAN OF "TERRA," the good-aligned undead man called Blackjay was giving a guitar-and-singing performance for the orphans who had Willy "Sha-Na-Na" Bastion among them..... when an event calculated to move the story along happened.

The spacious back yard of the well-kept orphanage suddenly was lashed by whirling winds, which tore snow-laden branches off of the trees. A moment later, a young man and a young woman fell to the snowy ground. The dark-skinned woman wore a reasonably modest outfit, mostly green; the fair-skinned man wore a sort of red-and-blue bodysuit. Sitting up, the two strangers' first concern was to see whether the other one was hurt. Both being safe, they embraced and kissed each other, then stood up to face the orphanage residents who were swarming out the door in curiosity.


Blackjay immediately told Willy, "No need to say you-know-what; I can tell that these two are on the side of good."

"Yes, we are," the young man agreed. "This is Marlena, and my name is Hal."

Accustomed to strange sights, Willy took this in stride, and asked the newcomers, "Are you from our own Terra, or from a different one?"

"A different one," replied Marlena. "Of course, we always thought of it simply as THE world, call it Earth or Terra. It still exists, but all the most unusual events there seem to have stopped very suddenly. A hero called Black Admiral helped us to defeat a monster called Stabbinbak; Physician Fate sacrificed his life helping in this; and Raptorman started getting things back in order after the battle was won. But this talking lion told us-- including Black Admiral, Raptorman, and several people close to us-- that our Earth-version was not going to face any new super-villain crises in the foreseeable future, so Hal and I would be more useful on a different parallel world."

"For hero stuff," added the young man, "I call myself Molecule Breaker, and Marlena calls herself Crosswind. We're interested to see how our children will turn out."

"The lion summoned a justice of the peace," Marlena explained, "who performed a wedding for us. And before transferring us, the lion gave us a crystal-ball thing, so we can still communicate with people who care about us back on Interrupted Earth."

"She calls it that," said Hal, "because our native Earth seems to have had its history kind of switched off, or muted."

Blackjay stepped closer to the metahuman visitors. "I don't know how much more eventful our Terra will be now, since we got rid of a monster who probably was very similar to your Stabbinbak. But who knows, you might have work to do in a year or two. So you should get acquainted with our superhero community. I'm called Blackjay, and I'm an undead being on the side of good. Willy here changes into an adult super-type called Captain Sha-Na-Na. Others on our side are a pair of magic-users, a woman who manipulates plant life, a warrior who can disable opponents with caustic fumes, and many comparatively-normal types who are to be respected for their skills."

At this point, the people in charge of the orphanage TOOK charge, beginning to sort out how best to get the appealing young couple oriented to their new Terra-variant.
 
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The super-powered honeymooners were provided with a bed at the orphanage for their first night. Over breakfast the next morning, a new surprise occurred. The sorceror Conn Johnstantine materialized in front of everyone, and said:

"I established psychic communication with Interrupted Earth; that sounds like a good informal name for the outside viewpoint. I communicated with Raptorman, since he's familiar with sorcery. He told me part of Hal and Marlena's history, so I can present this information to Mutt Muckrake's law firm. Because people on our Earth-variant know about other worlds, authorities in our America will facilitate naturalizing Hal and Marlena if we just give them some background. Mutt and Sherri will expedite things, as covertly as possible."

Willy asked, "Did this Raptorman mention whether he knows other human worlds besides ours?"

"He said he knew of three others besides our Terra, but he gave no details. He did say that he's fairly sure nobody hostile is aware of Molecule Breaker and Crosswind being sent to us."

"Then it's best for them to keep their powers a secret for as long as they can," said Willy. "Like, in case new villains come to Terra through a Starhatch or something."

"I concur," said Conn, then looked at Hal and Marlena. "But if you two agree, I will reveal the truth about you to our world's other native magic-user, whom we call Sky Lioness."
 
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In the state of Delaware as existing on Terra, a boy named William Beach had grown up in the town of Milford. Often visiting the shore of Delaware Bay, William had become fascinated with sand. At the same time, he had cultivated within himself a delusion that, because he had suffered misfortunes in his life, he had a right to punish the whole world. So he had immersed himself in science, hoping to find some way to become a powerful metahuman.

Specifically, he desired to be able to TURN INTO sand. He fancied that as an animated sandpile, he would be immune to bullets, be able to flow past any barrier, and be able at will to change effectively into solid rock. He often dreamt happy dreams of terrorizing the world, PUNISHING the world for not agreeing that William Beach's feelings mattered more than anything else.

The day came when William was ready. He consumed the transformation drug he had created, and waited to feel himself becoming invincible. He puffed himself up with fantasies of killing Captain Sha-Na-Na, Dreadfuldevil, Wholesome Vine, Winter Trooper, and other heroes.

He did change into sand, all right. And as a mass of sand, he had no brain cells or nerves to control his body parts. Indeed, he had NO BODY PARTS for his brain to have controlled, no organs to sustain life. His ghost was in The Bad Place before he realized he had killed himself.
 
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