Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

In the west Mexico of "Urth," Nonwhite Lightning met with Squire Vindictive at a cantina in the town of Hermosillo (which also exists on Original Earth, not far from the Gulf of Cortez). This, in connection with the hunt for the combined Constrictor and Jaguar gangs (the former having taken over the latter, and having welcomed an alliance with villainesses Rattle-Sneak and Hand-Eye.). Vindictive wanted to combine efforts with Lightning, Exohern and Howie Maui. And to sweeten the pot, Vindictive was accompanied by Black Parakeet, the sonic-powered woman who could change appearance between a blonde white woman and a black woman.

When Parakeet and Lightning saw each other, she-- being the blonde at the moment-- switched to black-woman form; embraced and kissed him in this guise; kissed him still harder in the blue-eyed blonde form; and so back and forth for another ninety seconds.

Squire Vindictive palmed his face, muttering in English: "Good show, Parakeet, perfect way to preserve the deception advantage of your changing appearance." Then he grumpily strode to the bar, to order assorted quesadillas and non-alcoholic pina coladas. By the time the drinks and food were served up, the amorous couple had quit kissing for the moment, with Parakeet staying black until further notice.

Parakeet had just asked Lightning where Howie and Exohern were.

"Howie is flying, that is, air surfing, up and down the near coastline of Baja California. Exohern took off last night, to scout inland. We contacted police stations that he might visit, to let them know he'll share with them anything useful he may find out. If he doesn't uncover any clues, he will return here probably tomorrow afternoon. He will have searched the entire Sonora Desert in that time."

Surprise changed Parakeet back into her white-woman form. "Can he do that and still get any sleep?"

"That's part of Exohern's 'living fast' gift. He probably won't sleep longer than forty-five minutes tonight, but his body will gain as much benefit as if you or I slept for five or six hours. Now I have a question for you, Squire. Did you learn anything helpful in Mexico City?"

"That's pending. Clean Hornet still is there, studying all relevant crime-history files that the Federales will permit him to see."
 
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Both on Original Earth and on Urth, there are two islands of significant size in the Gulf of Cortez which sets off Baja California. As we join Howie Maui, we find him flying low above the sea passage between those islands.

His keen ears heard the squawking chirps of dolphins beneath him. Curving down and back, he saw a pod of dolphins tightly circling one place. Every moment, one dolphin or another would leap straight up, seeming to look directly at Howie. In case anyone LESS friendly than the dolphins was watching, the superhero did not descend steeply. Instead, he reduced altitude in his southward movement, then did a one-eighty and flew back north at wave-skimming level.

When he drew near the dolphins, they looked at him, then dove in unison. Howie followed them.

The vocalizations of dolphins and whales are meant to convey meaning AS HEARD UNDERWATER. Submerging near the friendly dolphins, Howie picked up calls which meant that something highly unusual and possibly dangerous was on the sea floor directly below.......

\ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \ _ \

That evening in Hermosillo, ten or so hours before Exohern was due to return from scouting the desert:

Nonwhite Lightning, Black Parakeet and Squire Vindictive were in the same cantina when the entrance door was shattered. At first assuming a hostile intrusion, all three heroes jumped up and spread out..... but only until they saw who had just entered. It was Howie Maui, who was in a drained, exhausted state, and had broken the door only by accident. Vindictive hastened to promise the cantina's owner that the Justified League would pay the cost of replacing the door (and was believed, because the League enjoyed a good reputation in such matters.)

"What happened, Howie?" Lightning asked, reasonably enough, while Parakeet looked outside and beheld no immediate threats.

"The curse," Howie panted.

"Can you specify which curse?"

The oceanic hero, friend of Moistureman, met the African-American hero's eyes. "The curse of Sullivan Grungy. You know he never stays dead. And this time, he has assumed the physical traits of a highborn Splatlantean. Comfortable underwater, but still can operate on land also."

"God help us, can he even command sea creatures?"

"No. Dolphins helped me get away when Grungy pounded me. But he does have a degree of elemental command over the water. And his physical strength now is greater than in his last incarnation, in proportion as Moistureman is stronger than a normal surface human."

Vindictive heard enough of this exchange to react with understanding. "That would possibly make him STRONGER than Superdude! Please tell me he can't fly also!"

"I'm pretty sure he can't fly," said Howie. "But anyplace that can be reached by water, he can probably reach very fast."

"A bad time for Moistureman, Superdude, Superhottie, Professor Crazier, Stellar Sapphire, AND Mike Deep Swimmer--" (Urth's resident Green Flashlight) "--all to be off-world!" groaned Lightning. "Howie, do you know where Black Stingray is?" (Reminding the reader, this Black Manta variant is a good guy.)

"No idea. But permanent Splatlantean surveillance resources will acquire Grungy soon enough."

Parakeet had returned soon enough to gather an idea of what the men were talking about. She said, "I expect we'll need to request assistance from King Truthside on Awkwardlisp. Grungy is sure to urge all villains still at large to join him and revive the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons. Vindictive, you should get hold of Clean Hornet in Mexico City, and have him locate Atomic Scalp."
 
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' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '

The regrouping of the Naughty Persons was already in progress. Mirror Merchant had been hopefully watching for the possible return of Sullivan Grungy. Mere minutes after Howie Maui escaped the quasi-undead villain's clutches, the evil wizard appeared underwater, encased in a magical cylinder which Sullivan could enter without water getting in to threaten Mirror Merchant with drowning.

"Mirror Merchant! Sullivan Grungy is happy to see you! Is gang still around?"

"Not all, I'm sorry to say. Some were imprisoned. And maybe you remember, some joined the Justified League."

Sullivan Grungy was furious, though not at the wizard. "Yes, Grungy remembers. Banshee and Stella and Scalp all get wimpy. Can Mirror Merchant make them be gang again?"

"I wish I could, Sullivan. But we still have some on our side. There's Rattle-Sneak, a speedster; she didn't work with us before, but she will now. And you remember Hand-Eye."

"Yes, her have pretty hands to make lightning. Maybe she help kill black man who kill Sullivan Grungy with lightning last time."

"Hand-Eye and Rattle-Sneak are with a regular gang, not far away. For criminals with no superpowers, they're pretty skillful. They can help us find a way to spring our friends who are in prison, particularly Emir Efreet and Red-Hot Lamia."

"Yes, Grungy like Lamia when she get to be a snake."

"There's one other villainess we can try to recruit: Moistureman's ex-queen, the one who turned against him for no good reason."

"Yes, Grungy like people do bad things no good reason."
 
Neither Black Parakeet, nor Nonwhite Lightning, nor Squire Vindictive, could fly or move at super speed. Howie Maui normally could fly, but was worn out at present. And Exohern, when he returned from the Sonora, had no efficient way to get his friends to Mexico City in a hurry. So, after some high-speed sleep, the antlered mutant assumed the task of patrolling up and down the Cortez coast, looking for any sign of activity by Sullivan Grungy or other villains.

In Mexico, Clean Hornet persuaded the authorities to dispatch an airplane to pick his friends up, then fly them up into Texas, whence they could board another plane to fly to the vicinity of Justified League headquarters. Tapper Cossack was on watch at headquarters, and began calling others once he heard about Sullivan Grungy.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Staying underwater, and after informing the lady crooks, Mirror Merchant and Sullivan Grungy traveled magically in search of the deposed queen of Splatlantis. Your author seems to recall naming her "Waterella." If I'm remembering this wrongly, let's assume that "Waterella" is a nickname she sometimes goes by, so I can call her this even if a different name emerges from earlier chapters.

Likewise, if Waterella was jailed or something for her treachery against her former husband, we'll assume that Mirror Merchant liberated her. Then Mirror Merchant, Sullivan Grungy and Waterella planned a stealthy rendezvous with Hand-Eye, Rattle-Sneak and the Central American gangsters. The next phase would be springing Red-Hot Lamia and Emir Efreet.
 
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ON "MEDIUMGARD":

The original Neo-Marxist college club calling itself the "Distribution Dance" had been so emboldened by the support of the Heflins and the Cosmic Fact Checkers, that its members had contacted friends online to urge the founding of new chapters of the same society. None of these youngsters had yet heard about the vampirized boy caught by Princess Shurthingy and Bleeder.

Purposely staying away from all his allies, in order to keep the good guys guessing, the apostate Tibetan monk Drigum Namdre randomly selected the very small town of Limerick, Maine. Limerick had no college, so Drigum paid an unannounced visit to a prominent couple in the town.

Tomas Bolivar was Limerick's mayor on this Earth, and his wife Arlene was one of the four teachers at the elementary school. They had just finished supper, and were clearing the table, when Drigum appeared in the dining room. "Greetings, good people! You have the golden opportunity to bring enlightenment to Maine, by making your village a center of justice and equity."

No one up on Hallpasscard noticed this visit. Heroes remained ignorant of Drigum's visit, even after the mystic left the Bolivars hypnotized. Tomas and Arlene, in their current state, could not imagine anything more wonderful to do than persuading everybody in Limerick to place every local business under the control of a central committee. Even if they failed to switch the town to Marxism, it would add to the number of brushfires the Revengists would have to deal with.

= = = = = = = = = = =

Your author is pretty sure he did not yet individually name all of the Jersey Earth boys who received Heart Sapphire-type abilities and accompanied their (now captured) leader to Mediumgard Earth. Therefore I'll avoid contradicting any previous post by featuring a Jersey Earth boy who HASN'T been arrested in the Antarctic or otherwise taken out of play.

This boy, we'll say he's thirteen years old, was named Autonomy Stassen. Yeah, his parents were the sort who would do that to a kid.

Around the same time as Drigum Namdre infiltrated Maine, Autonomy had endangered hundreds of people in Britain by releasing all the animals in a zoo. No lives had been lost, but only because Thorpe and Lady Sniff had arrived in time and rounded up the more dangerous beasts. Fleeing from the Hallpasscardians, Autonomy had gone looking for the Heflins. Once he found them, all three went looking for new places to disrupt.
 
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On every Earth-variant where the Soviet Union existed or had existed, many of its equivalents of American states were called "republics," though these were never actually autonomous. Mediumgard, like Original Earth, still had more or less the same regional divisions after the collapse of the Soviet Union as before.

Shelley and Lance Heflin, while natives of Mediumgard Earth, had never bothered to learn much about the Soviet history of their Earth, but several members of the original Distribution Dance had told them that private enterprise was killing people in the frigid former-Soviet territory of Chukhotka. This came to mind as the Heflins talked with Autonomy Stassen. So Shelley informed her husband and the boy that her husband and the boy were eager to visit Chukhotka. "After all, dear, both Autonomy and I can keep you insulated from even Arctic cold, just as I did in Tibet."

Less than an hour later, the three of them were standing on what looked like a crudely paved road, which ran between two sixteen-foot-high snowdrifts. Run-down factory buildings could be seen about a quarter-mile away. Autonomy was in charge of preventing Lance from freezing to death, since only Shelley had progressed enough with Heart Sapphire powers to be able to communicate with the locals across language barriers.

Two of these locals, in appearance resembling Native Americans except that they had moustaches, approached them. One appeared to be in his late fifties, and the other seemed as if he could not be a week younger than early nineties. The younger man lifted a hand in greeting..... revealing on close inspection that his right thumb appeared to have been severed and reattached. The older man remained silent as the younger began to speak:

"Hello. I am Dulumasuk, and this is my Uncle Tumen. Are you some of the people who have been claiming to be reptiles?"

"Um, not exactly. My name is Shelley. My partner and I are Americans, and have been trying to make amends for the way that most Americans hate everyone who's different. Would you care to tell me which types of damage the evil business corporations have done lately to you Chukhotkans?"

Tumen's face assumed an odd expression, like a man hearing a very bad joke. He made signs to his nephew, who began to speak to Shelley again; but the former Christian interrupted: "Now I see. Your uncle has lost his voice." The uncle nodded to her, then made more signs.

Dulumasuk resumed: "Yes, he suffered throat cancer, caused by chemical pollution, and his vocal cords had to be removed. I don't suppose your abilities extend to regrowing lost body parts? Uncle Tumen's thumb, cut off in an accident, was luckily reattached, but cancer effects are another matter."

This sobered Shelley a bit. "I regret that I'm not yet able to do that yet. Am I right to guess that the toxicity of industrial waste has made both of you look older than you are?"

"Yes, it has."

Shelley's expression was grim now. "Of course. Enough time has passed for bandit capitalism to reverse all the environmental safeguards which the people's collective enforced before true democracy was overthrown. You poor fellows, victims of racist billionaires who don't care about Mother Earth! But we CAN offer a cure for society itself. We can inspire your people to return to the joy of oneness and sharing! Once the Party is restored to its rightful authority, environmental reforms can spare future generations from what greedy American bankers did to you."

Tumen only looked more agitated. Dulumasuk explained to Shelley, as if addressing a little schoolgirl: "My uncle's cancer struck in 1982, BEFORE the Soviet Union was disbanded. It was the Communist industrial system which began the serious poisoning of Chukhotka. I will be sincerely grateful for any decontaminating you can do here; but it is NOT ONLY capitalist nations which may injure nature."
 
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Far, far away, but a related situation:

In Galaxy Three, when Bakerstray Bill returned home to Jumpstard from the sub-reality based on He-Man and She-Ra, his royal parents Woolywoofin and Wagga were profoundly relieved to have him back safe. Queen Wagga said, "Son, we want you to take it easy for a few decades now; preferably, finding a bride and giving us a few grandpuppies."

"At the same time," put in the King, "gain some administrative experience. You're going to be our acting prime minister until further notice."

The pure-hearted dog-headed prince returned a toothy smile. "Then are you and Mom going to get out of the palace for a while? Hang out with the mortal wagtails on our own Earth-equivalent?"

"More ambitious than that, son. An interstellar errand of mercy."

"To what we're now calling Orphan Earth," Wagga clarified. "Princess Frypanna, now Queen Frypanna, can use our assistance improving the infrastructure of her emigrant community."

To refresh the reader about this plot arc: Galaxy Three had possessed two variants of Asgard from Norse mythology, one of course being the home of the virtuous doggy-types. The other, peopled by the more usual human-like sort, had been called Flashgard. This world had been attacked by the she-demon Heckla and the monster Kaijusaurus. Flashgard's Thor and Sif counterparts had perished trying to save their people, but their job had been completed for them by a rescue force from Jumpstard, naturally including Bill.

Heckla had gotten the humiliating death she deserved, because unlike her cinematic template, she had not enjoyed the protection of a screenwriter who loved the idea that evil could only be defeated BY OTHER EVIL.

The ranking survivor of the Flashgardean royal family was Princess Frypanna, who was at least as good-looking as Margot Robbie. In lifespan progress, the Princess was comparable to a nineteen-year-old woman. Flashgard's Earth-equivalent had been lucky enough to be located in a different star system from Frypanna's home, thus went unscathed. Appreciative of past benefits, the humans of "Orphan Earth" had been glad to harbor the surviving near-immortals. Since all the different Asgardian-variant races were immune to being harmed by cold, Frypanna had been perfectly content to settle her people in that Earth's Antarctica.

Once King Woolywoofin was satisfied that the readers were sufficiently updated, he shared a confidence with his gallant son:

"The number of living Flashgardeans is limited; thus, although Frypanna has many centuries in which to find a consort, the pool remains limited."

Bill cocked his head, very much like a dog. "This ought not be difficult to remedy, now that we're acquainted with King Garryowen's people. Some man from Hallpasscard would be able to sire children with Frypanna; her brother Lowerkey might serve as a go-between."

"Not unreasonable," Wagga conceded. "But it would work better if a man FROM ORPHAN EARTH could be enhanced to be similar to a Flashgardean. Marrying such a man would reinforce that Earth's ties with the Flashgardeans."

"Thus, one thing we'll do on Orphan Earth," Woolywoofin concluded, "is to help Frypanna search for a man she considers worthy to be immortalized and metahumanized. Of course, we won't TELL any mortals of that Earth what's in the works. A man of true quality, deserving to be loved by a queen, will hear the big surprise after Frypanna says he's the one."

Bill nodded solemnly. "Given how many perils exist in the storyverse, Orphan Earth needs one or more superheroes of its own."
 
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"My lord Bakerstray!" exclaimed a smooth female voice. Entering the audience chamber was a Jumpstardean lady whose snout was narrow, and whose ears hung low, producing the likeness of an Afghan hound walking on two legs. This was Nurnadelfi, the royal couple's seer. With her came a male, adult but smaller than most Jumpstardeans. This was Speedy Greyhoundus, who had Quickness Force powers nearly equal to The Whoosh on Seedubb Earth.

"Thank you for coming," said the Queen to Nurnadelfi. Turning toward her son, she explained, "Nurnadelfi is in on our plan to find, OR CREATE, a worthy spouse for Frypanna. And Speedy is going to be sent to Hallpasscard, in order to help our counterparts there to deal with a problem on their neighboring Earth-variant."

Looking at the seeress, Bill asked, "Is Mediumgard's problem as bad a business as the depredations of Crowdhack on Planet Anoxia?"

"No, my lord. The troublemakers now annoying Mediumgard are non-violent, but they are highly disruptive of public order. And Nurnadelfi has divined a peril to that Earth: the possible onset of an undead plague."

The protector of the helpless who lived in Bill's every thought and action came on alert. "DO the heroes of that Earth have the power to cope with undead beings?"

"They do," replied Speedy. "So, unless vampires or ghouls become numerous on Mediumgard, the Revengists and Thorpe's warriors can handle them. But more difficult is the challenge of RELEASING YOUNG MINDS from the little-understood mental phenomenon which is at work over there. I'll be using my speed to run down and catch some of those who need to be cured of madness."
 
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Mediumgard again:

The African boy who had been turned into a very low-powered vampire was confined at a facility in Wonkabara. The second one turned up in Lisbon, Portugal, about ten hours before the above-described conversation happened. The case in Lisbon was a fourteen-year-old girl named Azula-- showing that, unlike the enlisting of Cosmic Fact Checkers, this vampire effect was not confined to boys. When Azula tried to drink a large man's blood in a public square, the man easily overpowered her, then called for the police. They notified the Revengists within the afternoon.

The free-willed android called Eyesight was the first available Revengist. Joining the police, and Azula's parents, Eyesight began analyzing the girl's brainwaves. She had been refusing to talk to anyone, but after first questioning the parents, he was able to develop a picture.

It seemed that, starting at age nine, Azula had become fascinated with roleplaying games. In these, she had always wanted to be a thirteen- year-old princess, riding a horse on a lonely quest which no adult and no male could ever understand. This background clue helped everything else to fit together.

"The horseback-princess fantasy, like the magical-freedom fantasy of those gem-eared boys, revolved around wishing for power: hardly a rare phenomenon in humans, and in these youngsters not involving any malice. But what the non-violent wishes have in common is a desire not to HAVE TO EARN any sort of liberty or advantage, and not to be under any obligation to use the advantage for anyone else's benefit. Then, once Azula became OLDER THAN thirteen, something in her lost patience. She wanted to be able to enforce her will, and being a vampire seemed like a promising means to this end.

"The power at work in Azula's mind was unable to give her vampiric strength, but it surely gave her the cold selfishness of a classic horror-movie vampire. I must recommend her solitary confinement until there is progress toward a cure."

This finally evoked speech from the girl: "You're a bigot! You just hate me for being different!"

While all bystanders except the anxious parents were yawning and eye-rolling over the infinitely over-used accusation, the Jumpstardean Speedy Greyhoundus materialized in the police station, wearing one of the helmets which facilitated breaking language barriers.

"Hello! I belong to a race which is friendly to your Hallpasscardians! My King sent me here to assist you in stopping this morbid undead mania."
 
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<<< Long time no see the Frank Herbert-derived sub-universe!

Practically everybody who didn't belong to this reality had said goodbyes to the Dune-related characters and gone home. Luchador Hidalgo from Seedubb Earth, however, was going to stay on Planet Gumwad for at least another month, because he was useful to the Penny Jezebels' rebuilding efforts there. Not only did the masked wrestler have plenty of strength to perform labor himself, but he was perfect for controlling the demi-human prisoners of war Danrufi, Belchari and Eetbeenzar.

One of the Spaceballs-derived characters, the self-aware robot lady Bot Index, went home to Seedubb Earth with her bionic husband Cyberdork on board the Selenium Falcon. They were already designing the robot children they would build for themselves, counting on AsaLion to allow those children to have living souls as the parents did. Others aboard the Selenium included those four women previously rescued from Snarkonnen captivity, and Chip Thursday of Kansas who had married one of them.

Giles Magg the Goulash clone remained on Gumwad even after Lady Jazzica's lot left. Giles had found time to share with Trala-Lalia, Bunkem, Groan Starr, Stillneater and Gladiola the most important memories he carried from the mind of Duke Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable. This being achieved, he had decided not to remain in Jazzica's company. Feeling an implanted love and longing for her, while knowing that he WASN'T QUITE the same person as her deceased husband, just was too uncomfortable for Giles. When Jazzica, Groan Starr, Vixen et al (not including Luchador) took ship for Planet Srirachiss, Giles remained on Gumwad. There were, after all, single women here who knew better than to disrespect him.

For the time being, Giles didn't even realize that many of the subdued Hotblood Matrons were developing serious crushes on him. His being at once physically quicker and more powerful than they were, and merciful with prisoners, made him a downright rock star to them.

And yeah, consider it accomplished that anyone held captive by Ex-Emperor Candham on the planet Lousy Sekondhanstor has been retrieved, and the whole ex-imperial household has been properly intimidated.
 
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When the Ashtrayides family and friends arrived on Srirachiss, they were officially greeted by Chieftain Sleevecard, acting ruler of the planet in the ducal family's absence. The desert man was happy to report to Jazzica and Groan Starr that all was well on Waterpark (the ancestral world of House Ashtrayides), and on Greedy Crime (the cesspool planet which the good guys had recently taken away from House Snarkonnen). The deceased Paul Muddy-Drip Ashtrayides, in recent months, had been spared from reappearing and then having to die again. Trala-Lalia was glad for her firstborn brother's sake.

Less than two full Srirachian days after landing at the polar-zone spaceport, Groan Starr suddenly slapped his forehead, then told Jazzica, "Mom! I just remembered! I've never done that initiation thing, riding on an Habanero monster!"

Jazzica patted her middle child's shoulder. "Don't be embarrassed, Groaner. You grew up in the care of the spacefarer Yondupe, hardly ever seeing a real desert. And your life-trajectory led you to mastery of The Fuss. No one's going to undervalue you now."

"But as a member of the leading family, I feel that I should show respect the desert people's ways."

Trala-Lalia patted Groan's other shoulder. "Anybody on Srirachiss would be honored to give you any coaching you might need."

Puke, the furry Kashorcheckian, stepped up to his friend and captain. "Now is probably as good a time as any; no emergencies going on this week that we've heard of. And if anybody knows how to judge an Habanero monster's age, you can ride on the back of an old one."

To be quick, since this really isn't crucial to the plot, Groan Starr did successfully ride on an Habanero monster. No mishaps; but the act did increase the desert people's esteem for him.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
 
After a few days catching up with local news, Groan's niece Gladiola took a flight to Waterpark, to start a term of working in administration there, for the experience, with many Ashtrayides retainers on hand to assist her. Jazzica, Eerilake, Trala and Bunkem stayed on Srirachiss to help keep things running there. Groaner, Vixen, Puke and Stillneater all went to Greedy Crime, joined by Count Havabeer.

Under Alec Hurdygurdy's periodic inspections, Ashtrayides personnel on the liberated Snarkonnen planet were doing very well at decontaminating major bodies of water, and at nurturing new populations of edible fish (hatched out of eggs imported from Waterpark). Formerly- downtrodden lower-class Greedy Crimers were becoming used to not needing to eat bugs anymore.

Stillneater had progressed in wisdom, confidence and strength since the last time his father Muddy-Drip had appeared to him. But on a night in his temporary quarters, when Muddy-Drip did appear to him again, Stillneater once again experienced the eager anticipation of receiving wisdom.

The wisdom was delivered very solemnly.

"Now pay close attention, son. On Original Earth, the Creator DOES NOT want mortals to attempt consulting the dead; but because we live in a universe compatible with fantasy, it's permissible for you here. So listen. Do you understand, in a political context, what a 'constitution' is?"

"It's a foundational set of laws, setting boundaries for all future laws. A constitution prescribes which powers belong to which governmental bodies, what they can do and what is forbidden for them. And it indicates what rights and protections are guaranteed to the people."

"Very good, son. While I ruled Srirachiss, I got the idiotic notion that a constitution WASN'T the way to protect common people from legalized abuse. As if it were BETTER for an absolute ruler to be immune to accountability. so that people centuries later could finally get a clue. Only after I died three or four times, did the Creator explain fully to me why I had formed that stupid attitude. I was created specifically to BE A TAKE-OFF IMAGE of the protagonist in books written by Frank Herbert on Original Earth. I'm still a real person, as you and your sister are; but much of what we are is predetermined, because we serve a sort of artistic purpose.

"The billions of anonymous 'regular' people in worlds we know are more real than I am, insomuch as I was required to do many of the same things that Paul Atreides in those novels did. The common people have more complete free will. Nonetheless, you don't have to repeat all of the harmful stupidity done by your direct counterpart in the Dune series. The books made it seem as if letting whole generations of humanity suffer mistreatment FOR CENTURIES was actually more instructive than adopting a constitutional representative government which would balance liberty with order."

Stillneater approached his father, found him physically real for the moment, and hugged him hard. "All right, father, what's my lesson in this?"

"You should remember, back on Waterpark, how you dreamed about changing into an enormous monster. That was the influence of the Hopecrushers, trying to deceive you that REALLY BEING a monster, and making everyone's lives miserable for millennia, would be better than promoting a system of limited government which respects the rights of the individual.

"You must never be fooled by that lie. Do not accept anyone's word that wasting so many centuries keeping people enslaved is a good idea! If anyone, including a creature appearing to be me, urges you to transform yourself into a monster-- figurative or literal--reject the idea! Promise me that you won't be fooled!"

"I promise, Father. I promise that as long as I live, I'll promote the concept of rulers having to answer for their deeds."

"AsaLion bless you, Stillneater. You won't even have to abolish the dukedom. Read up on the concept of constitutional monarchy."

"I will, Father."

"Good man! I'm so proud of you and your sister. You're on your own after this; I'm heading back to your mother in the Fictional Characters' neighborhood of Heaven. But you'll do fine. Greet your Uncle Groan and Aunt Trala and the others for me."
 
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In the Cosmic Federation of probably-the-Andromeda-Galaxy, the Magtas and their local friends arranged a new, much more thorough search of the outer worlds in the star system which was home to the planet Madmaksilon. The Starhatch discovered under Thousand Leaves Pond on Umbaderro had pointed to something untoward among those outer planets, particularly a Jupiter-equivalent called Chillworld.

Carsala the woodsman Taglamso's daughter, who had grown up near that pond, was now beginning her honeymoon with Astrogator Lugwin Hestrum, one of the VERY few unenhanced human males in the Cosmic Federation who had escaped being dumbed down by the unexplained phenomenon. The rest of his shipmates on the deep-range star schooner Dodgelightly were glad to sign on for anything which might lead to restoring men's brains to normal.

Braskorim the long-armed Ziblamot was so big and bulky that he would have equalled two humans in the confined interior of the ship; so he would stay here, invoking his orders from the capital world Fussyfrit to require Judge Wytebredd to assist him in seeking clues planetside. As further help with the elbow-room problem, Parbellik and Luvardra assured the survey astronauts: "We can stay in vacuum for most of the time, flying beside you. As long as one of us is awake, that one can keep us both alive while the other one sleeps."

Thrim Deldatch, the ship's electrician, asked the Magtas, "Do these artifacts of yours confer some detection and analysis potential different from our own sensor suites?"

Parbellik looked him in the eye. "I can do a radar-like thing, spotting solid objects, including deep inside a gas-giant atmosphere. But perhaps of more interest--" and he pointed a thumb at his wife; "--is Luvardra's molecular-level work."

The Dahudoran beauty picked the explanation up from there. "We Heart Sapphires can transmute non-living substances: dust into water, for instance. To be able to do this, we need to know the composition of the material we start with. If some alien sneak placed unknown hardware on one of the outer moons, or inside the atmosphere of an outer planet, I may be able to detect it by sensing its difference in density from the surrounding medium."

"Sort of like using infra-red visual spotters to distinguish objects by their temperature," Thrim remarked.

Luvardra nodded. "Good analogy."
 
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A subspace-radio call came from Stellar Coordinator Vernacula Scurvylaff back on Fussyfrit. At a comms console near where the Dodgelightly was berthed, the blobby Wibgug-Bifyok took the call.

"Wibgug, have you yet ascertained which evil business corporation is behind the dumbing-down attack?"

"So far, Coordinator, we have no evidence that ANY privately-owned business played any part in it. But we may know more after the impending second search among the outer planets."

"Just keep it in mind. Remember how many companies we've been compelled to shut down, on more than twenty worlds, for their bad labor practices." Hearing this, the many-eyed Shmeehobber held his peace, knowing how many workers from six or seven races had been harmed by losing their jobs in the business breakups. The Federation ruler continued: "Even with commerce in better shape inside Federation space, remember that NON-Federation planets have corporations too."

Since Shmeehobbers had three dozen eyes, Wibgug-Bifyok didn't worry about being noticed when he rolled several of them. "Never fear, Your Honor, we'll keep all possibilities in mind as we make our sweep."

"Very good. Remember also to watch for any signs of the whereabouts of Flake's Seven."
 
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Before taking the Dodgelightly out again, Parbellik privately asked its captain a question.

"On the day when the intelligence-draining weapon struck, which of the outer planets were most clearly in a line of sight with Madmaksilon?"

The captain answered, "Three worlds best match that criterion: the outermost ice giant, and two dwarf planets."

"Not Chillworld, where that Starhatch led us?" Luvardra interjected.

Electrician Deldatch offered a speculation: "Whoever brought whatever did the damage, might have dropped it into the gas giant's atmosphere, maybe to charge its power plant from the local hydrogen, but programmed it to MIGRATE on its own propulsion soon afterward. Then it would launch its attack from a new location."

"Sounds like what ground soldiers call move, shoot and move," said the captain. "We can go investigate the ice giant, but even if the hypothetical mystery weapon did its 'shooting' from there, it could have moved again after that."

Parbellik shrugged. "Still, we have to begin someplace."

The ice giant it was. Now Parbellik changed the subject. One subject he didn't address at all was the fact that his fellow Flashlights, Tong Sao-Tu and the baboon-like Jamsorvad, had already come to this system unannounced. They had brought survival supplies for themselves, could switch off sleeping just as the Magtas did, and were taking the time to investigate Chillworld in greater detail than anyone else had managed up to now. So taking the Dodgelightly farther out was an even better idea than the Federation personnel realized.

"On the world where Loovy and I first met, called Jinobrid, I was involved in preparing locations for electrical power plants. At the time, I had with me a military-style rocket launcher. I didn't need to use it to fight anybody, so I used it to help excavate the sites for power stations. When I departed with Loovy, I left my launcher with local friends."

The captain of Dodgelightly smiled. "Yes, we can come up with a launcher and ammunition for you. We can even offer you the option of magnetic-repulsion projectiles, like firing a rail gun."
 
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Chutnykorn possessed sensors which could read people's vital signs. During the first days after the Magtas and others took off out-system, the cyborg perceived that the veteran policewoman Royurbota Quardimo always looked uneasy in the vicinity of Judge Wytebredd. Eventually, Chutnykorn was able to concoct a believable excuse to speak with her privately, using his own technology to mask what was being said.

"Miss Quardimo, you can find it in my operational history that I have always argued for human rights, like the right of a suspect to be assumed innocent until proven guilty. And I know as much about you. On my own, I have discovered that in the time since Coordinator Scurvylaff took office, twelve offenders placed in Wytebredd's custody have been ALLEGED to have died, but the records are suspiciously vague. I hesitate to try hacking into them, lest I be spotted. So I must ask you: are you willing to trust me with whatever you may be keeping hidden?"

Royurbota allowed herself a brief sidelong glance beyond "the fourth wall," then replied: "Yes, I need to tell someone, because this plot arc is terribly bogged down, and it needs a dose of exposition. Here goes.

"Because I have Dahudoran blood as well as regular human, my being a second cousin to Lodge entails MUCH LESS genetic closeness than is usual between second or even third cousins. This being so, and supposing the brain plague never happened, Lodge and I would have gotten married long before now, and I would be expecting our second baby."

Chutnykorn looked sympathetic. "I'm aware that Lodge quit the highway patrol to become a shipbuilding foreman on Krellos Four, to earn more money for your life together." (Chutnykorn was referring to the first human world to become a member of the Cosmic Federation after first contact with the Ziblamots.) "Already before you and he were born, the general human fertility rate had made humans powerful in the Federation administration."

"Hence the importance of Captain Archisko Picurk in history," said Royurbota. "Anyway, Lodge discovered that interior surveillance was being installed inside new ships, to monitor every word said by crew members WITHOUT their knowledge. When he realized how sinister Vernacula Scurvylaff's scheme was, he pretended to break up with me, to protect me from what would follow. For objecting publicly to this tyrannical measure, Lodge was placed in a mental hospital. Escaping from there with other dissenters began his real adventures. The first ship they 'borrowed' included the spy devices, which he hoped eventually to present as proof of a crooked government."

"Well, Miss Quardimo, thank you for telling me so many interesting anecdotes about your ancestor Velda who served on the C.F.S. Extrovert. At some future time, I'll probably replay those for my own amusement."
 
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In the China of Seedubb Earth, Particle and Silhouette had lucked out. Passing through walls as if they didn't exist, Particle had located Hui Kai-Ma, the Communist civilian official supervising Beijing's effort to acquire comicbook-level technology. Silhouette had hypnotized her, compelling her to tell what had become of the four villains assisting China in this project.

"Red Headbone was getting favorable attention because he was an enemy specifically to America's Captain Patriot. Lex's jealousy of his own comrade became an obsession. One day, without warning, he drew a gun and shot Red Headbone through the head. Headbone's wife Doubleslick, one of the Face Twisters, witnessed this murder, just barely too late to save her man; but she shot Lex dead in return. Marcie Loozor, formerly Marcie Graze, saw HER husband's death; and not knowing that her friend had had cause to shoot Lex, she shot and killed Doubleslick. When soldiers responded to the gunfire, Marcie dropped her gun and submitted to arrest.

"Hidden cameras, unknown even to the two master scientists, revealed what had really happened. Too late, Marcie understood that the bloodbath had been entirely Lex Loozor's fault. This was the last straw, forcing Marcie to see that she had given her heart to a man who loved no one and nothing but himself. Now she is mentally withdrawn, refusing to eat."

The two veteran heroes, in short, had contrived to extract Marcie from China and bring her to Tatlantis, where Aquaticman's doctors went to work to heal her brain. The next post will catch up in time with other plot threads, and Marcie will be seen as a guest of Spark Laboratories. During this interval, assume that Count Verygone does all he can to help his Chinese hosts salvage information from the dead villains' files.
 
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In and close to the state of York-Jersey, three of Batfellow's less important enemies began slowly, quietly trying to rebuild the criminal underworld. Careful not to set foot in Urbanopolis, they cultivated cooperation with ordinary criminals, and paid crooked lawyers to work at fabricating reasons to get other not-overly-deadly crooks out of prison early.

If anyone was the leader of this effort in the early stages, it was an athletic young man calling himself Actsnarky. Though having no superpowers, he was not very far inferior to Batfellow in refining his human abilities to a very high quality. He had started his career of evilness as a university student in Maryland, loudly demanding that all teachers be required to PAY EVERY STUDENT out of their own pockets, just for showing up in class.

Also physically strong, and much heavier than his rebellious friend, was Rocky Hippo. He weighed over four hundred pounds, not much of which was fat. Where Actsnarky could often evade attacks, Rip could shrug them off; he was not entirely immune to being cut or stabbed, but most blunt-force attacks were laughable to him. Luchador Hidalgo had once beaten Rip in a fight; so had Batfellow on another occasion; but hardly anyone else without superpowers ever had. As a bonus, Rocky was a superb mathematician, as useful for the brainy side of crime as for the brawny side.

Then there was Wild Whiner: a college acquaintance of Actsnarky, who was no use in a fight-- but who had a startlingly effective way of crying and complaining to make people feel sorry for him. His routine made a fine distraction device.

Somewhere in the transition period as Batfellow and other Seedubbish heroes were settling back in after their interstellar adventures, Actsnarky, Rip and Whiner sprang another second-bench villain out of prison. Jetpack Jolene had been on the very cusp of turning lawful, but the rakish good looks of Actsnarky made her backslide when the three male hoodlums broke in to break her out.

Other jailbreaks would be forthcoming; but Rocky worked on ways to make them seem unconnected..
 
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Avoiding Generic Large City, the four lawbreakers traveled in a westerly direction. They also planned to avoid the state of Kansas, because it was well known that a bike sergeant in the Kansas State Police had just returned from interstellar adventures. Chip Thursday not only had brought back a lovely bride from another planet, but was rumored to have brought back some rayguns for his force's use.

"No farther south for now than Missouri," declared Actsnarky. "And we'll also steer clear of Central Municipality."

"How about we hide in plain sight?" suggested Jolene, who had shortened and colored her hair, and was wearing a dress in contrast with her usual habits. "Spend some time at Country Kingdom?"-- referring to the country-music-themed resort, which had more than once had superheroes pass through.

"Are there any hateful bigoted Istophobes there?" asked Whiner. "I've heard that they fly American flags there-- a bad sign."

"We don't have to become haters to hide among haters," Jolene told him.

Hippo joined in reassuring Whiner: "Flag wavers are usually illiterate, and have no imagination. So if we hang out among them for a few days, they won't have the wits to be curious about us."

Actsnarky, Hippo and Jolene all felt a certain isn't-he-cute fondness for Whiner. The sulky snowflake allowed himself to be coaxed into agreeing on the resort stay. Their first evening at Country Kingdom featured a special appearance by a band called Maxie's Daylight Riders, whose good-time songs managed to please a variety of tourists. Actsnarky and Jolene, in fact, spent almost half the night dancing together, even joining in a line dance.

Things looked hopeful for the foursome's vision of a slow, cautious criminal revival.
 
\\\\\ We now return to Riggblit, a world accessible both for Star Wars-related characters and for Babylon Five-related characters. This is a planet hospitable to most oxygen-breathing races; many types of local vegetation produce a gummy substance which is nourishing to most oxygen-breathers. At the time Emperor Porkanbeen founded his Empire of Evil Badness, they had taken possession of Riggblit, using slave labor there. After Porkanbeen's death, Grand Admiral Skrawn had kept up operations there for a time, but eventually had withdrawn from that star system to conserve his resources for the most urgent needs.

As we resume action, good-aligned characters including my versions of Mace Windu and Ahsoka Tano are in the star system, considering what they'll do about the bad guys who are gathering on Riggblit and who have non-evil people among them.

' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '
The friendly reptile Twishdok had kept his word about summoning one of his fellow Green Flashlights to lend a hand. The perfect candidate was one he had worked with on Jersey Earth: Poradsimu, the blocky-bodied creature who literally had eyes in the back of his head, because he had no neck to let him TURN his deeply-sunken head. Poradsimu's native planet was hundreds of light-years away from any territory connected with any Star Wars- or Spaceballs-related world, so he should be neutral in the eyes of Hakstabkyll and company.

On board the commandeered Imperial frigate Wanton Violence, now privately renamed Adjustment, ex-pirate Melodica Windchime, now married to Master Moose, was available to brief Poradsimu.

"Those of us on this ship are native to a sub-universe where The Fuss is widely understood; but we have also had interaction with a sub-universe where it is unknown. Starships in that region likewise are a few steps inferior to ours in performance and survivability. In that region of the cosmos, humanoids called the Mintcandybarri are physically stronger than other humanoids, and also got started at interstellar flight before the others even had inter-PLANETARY flight.

"About fifteen standard years ago, several Mintcandybarri decided to set their weapons at instant readiness to fire when approaching ships from the Earth-variant in that sub-universe. Not surprisingly, the Earth people opened fire; and the Mintcandybarri soldiers chose not even to consider that they might have been at fault. Mintcandybarri soldiers, though not exactly cowards, do sort of enjoy pounding on weaker beings, so they killed bunches of humans who faced them in far-inferior warships. Forces from the Republic of Lots of Worlds would have come over and kicked the Mintcandybarri's butts before they could kill all life on that Earth, if we had known about the one-sided war; but a piece of mystical stuff made this unnecessary. Some human man turned out to be the Mintcandybarri's god, or something like that.

"After this game-change, the less bloodthirsty of the Mintcandybarri went so far as to join something called The Bubblewrap Coalition, which over time has done a lot of good in the diplomatic arena. But a few unrepentant warriors chose to exile themselves. And one such expatriate is on Riggblit now, apparently trying to build a multi-species army for himself."
 
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