Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

The escaped felon Rocky Hippo, who can be considered roughly similar to Kingpin in Marvel Comics, had managed by extensive cyber-hacking to create plausible new identities for two of the fellow crooks whom he, Actsnarky and Jetpack Jolene had sprung from prison. A man named Marvin Gardner, a document forger whose talents had become obsolete owing to technological progress during his imprisonment, was nonetheless a man smart enough to be useful; so Rocky obtained a job for him as a freight-train dispatcher in Central Municipality. A woman named Violet Rhodes, who had specialized in illegal animal trafficking, was placed in a job assisting a large-animal veterinarian in the countryside near the Arkansas state line.

If Marvin and Violet aren't mentioned again, assume that they are passing potentially-useful information to Actsnarky's gang from time to time. As for the original fugitive quartet, I'm having them loiter in the neighborhood of Country Kingdom so I can invent some pretext for them to cross paths with Alphonse, Particle and Silhouette.

Alphonse's party was aware of Captain Patriot, Degreaser and Raisin also going to Country Kingdom, but did not contact them.

Particle, Silhouette and Bats-Butler were the first hero-contingent to encounter Wild Whiner, since the adult-sized spoiled brat had just enough sense NOT to attract the attention of three well-known superheroes who were publicly wearing their hero costumes. It was the civilian-garbed good guys who, in a concessions area, were treated at close range to:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! This isn't fair! I demand justice! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" ///

Silhouette caught the eyes of his companions, who both nodded. The sometimes-invisible crime-fighter addressed Whiner in his hypnotic voice. "Young man, tell me what injustice you have suffered."

Whiner's voice fell a little in volume. "The food planners are all Nazis!"

"And what, exactly, makes them Nazis?"

The brat's voice became another step quieter, albeit still very audible within thirty feet. "They offer ONLY TWO vegan ice cream flavors! That's discriminatory! I demand equal representation!"

"Has it occurred to you, son, that the refreshment managers of Country Kingdom serve a customer base in which most patrons never spend more than three consecutive days here?"

"Then they're blatantly discriminating against persons who are around longer."

Silhouette shifted his tone to be a little colder, almost menacing. "Obey me. Tell me how you came to be so obsessed with wanting supposed justice for yourself."

Wild Whiner proceeded to give almost an hour's worth of monologue. But his very narcissism safeguarded Actsnarky, Jolene and Hippo from being exposed, because Whiner, though not strictly a career criminal, cared only about himself. His whole speech was about incredibly minor grievances against a world which had never pampered him enough.

The three incognito heroes never learned anything from Whiner about the rest of the gang, and eventually moved along.
 
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Meanwhile, Kenny Garth Rogers greeted the openly-recognized superheroes. "Howdy! We still talk about that extraterrestrial couple Groan Starr and Princess Vixen. Did her hair all grow back?"

"Yes, it did," Raisin assured the singer. "Last we know, they are settled in with the Ashtrayides. And those Face Twisters are more or less under control now. Captain Roughroad and I were in on helping the Ashtrayides against a worse threat, a metahuman called Block Atom. Others too, including Cyberdork and Spiderweb-Man."

Kenny's face lighted up. "Would y'all be willing to give a talk on short notice? Tomorrow afternoon, there's a vacant slot in our main auditorium. We could invite you to tell your adventures to the patrons."

He was looking at Raisin as he said this, and she began looking shy.

"I wish Luchador Hidalgo were here to give the talk. He was there, and he's better known."

But Captain Patriot immediately told her, "You're a fine speaker, though. Let me start it by introducing you, then you tell the story from there."

This was how it ended up being done. If your narrator is recalling correctly, Degreaser had not been on Gumwad. Anyway, she didn't go on the stage at the short-notice event. She never knew that Actsnarky the sociopath was sitting within five seats of her during Raisin's speech, gloating over not being recognized.

Later on, Actsnarky and Jolene-- well, they greatly enjoyed each other's company. Like, really enjoyed.

Family-friendly forum.
 
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NEXT WE MOVE ALONG TO THE STAR SYSTEM ALTERNATELY NAMED NAROCKPOP OR DOLDARUMP, WHERE THE DISGRUNTLED MINTCANDYBARRI SOLDIER CALLED HAKSTABKYLL (FROM THE BABYLON FIVE-BASED SUB-REALITY) HAS SET UP SHOP AMONG FORMER SLAVES FROM THE EMPIRE OF EVIL BADNESS. JEDI-EQUIVALENTS MOOSE WINDCHIME AND QUININE SAUCE, WITH FRIENDS, HAVE BEEN IN-SYSTEM, INVESTIGATING HOW HAKSTABKYLL HAS BEEN DEALING WITH OTHERS ON PLANET RIGGBLIT.

The blue-skinned woman Trillyun Subaru, the single-head-tailed Tryyurluck man Kann-Hon Faha-Der, the rather chaotic human woman Dorkrasha, and the Glukk male Huhutilbo were on board the lead ship of the approaching Imperial task force. The first three were Fuss-using Popquizzitors, while the Glukk was powerful enough and evil enough to be accepted as also a Popquizzitor in practice. With them were a space-fighter escort for their own ship, six landing vessels carrying Chipotli battle-droids with human soldiers commanding them, and a flotilla of pirates from the Bubblewrap Five reality, who could operate in atmosphere to lend air support to a ground army.

The bad guys' force happened to approach Riggblit on the side opposite from where Master Moose and company were standing by. But on the threatened side, Trubsocto, the ranking person among the vicious hairy Barnsmell, was maintaining a watch. He thus was prompt in alerting Hakstabkyll, who called the good guys in space to ask them to act on their offer of assistance.

"You've got us," Melodica Windchime assured the Mintcandybarri.

One of Trubsocto's companions, Yathmol, a purple-skinned, long-snouted female sapient native to a planet within Imperial space, undertook to see that all of their personnel went to action stations, ready to resist an Imperial assault.

Trillyun Subaru caused a broadcast to be sent on every possible radio frequency, in many languages. Pirate vessels fanned out to relay the broadcast to the far hemisphere of Riggblit. The pirates therefore saw the two good-guy ships, and notified Trillyun; but since those ships were not actively attacking at the moment, the lady Popquizzitor let the planned broadcast continue as intended.

The substance of the broadcast was that Grand Admiral Skrawn was reasserting Imperial sovereignty over this star system. Anyone on Riggblit who was not a known rebel was guaranteed safety and citizen rights if they declared allegiance to Evil Badness.

Because up-siders, and Bubblewrap Coalition members, didn't want to tyrannize anyone, they had already made a recommendation to Hakstabkyll, and he had accepted it. Hakstabkyll had put out the word that anyone on Riggblit who actually preferred to return to Imperial bondage, in the event of an Imperial task force coming, should go to one of several set-apart areas, having the means to transmit their own pledge of obedience as a separate faction. Hakstabkyll promised no reprisals against such persons, as long as they did not directly help the Imperials against the freedom-lovers. And bloodthirsty though Hakstabkyll could be, he never violated a solemn promise once he had given it.

When Trillyun received these limited-group surrender offers, she arranged for part of her ground forces to protect and control the people choosing her side, while (in her expectation) the resisters were massacred. The down-side of The Fuss had confirmed for her that the ones who offered surrender actually meant it.
 
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The small Goldarnit ship belonging to B'Gawk and his family (with Nonsmoka, Samladel and Quinine on board) retreated from parking orbit to join the incoming squadron of Goldarnit fighters which had been scouting the region. The fighters returned at maximum speed, coordinating plans with the people on board the starship Adjustment. From a station down on Riggblit, the armadilloid Chunry-hiss-Tazro reported to Master Windchime the status of planetary defensive preparations.

When the fighters from Planet Goldarnit arrived in-system, most of the pirate craft moved against them. The Imperial fighters kept station close to the Popquizzitors' vessel and the troopships. Lots of pew-pew! stuff ensued, as the enemy ground forces made their descent. Within the first two minutes of battle which made noises despite being in a vacuum, two Goldarnit fighters and five pirate fighters were disabled.

Pirate fighters already in atmosphere were not affected by this; and the landing of the Imperial ground contingent freed up some of the Imperial fighters to engage the good-guy ships. Fortunately, Master Drool had foreseen a numbers problem, and had asked the Goldarns to detach one of their battlecruisers for this battle. The heavy Goldarn warship now emerged from hyperspace to thrilling music, and the space battle was evened up.

Which will permit our lightsaber-types to get planetside and join in some vzzzt-vzzzt! action.

Most of the resident defending forces were commanded by Trubsocto the Barnsmell at one location, and by Hakstabkyll himself in another. These two surface forces reported that they were holding for the present, so the up-siders began by looking for any spot where civilians appeared to be in immediate peril.

Nonsmoka, Quinine and Samladel chose a location where the enemy landing was mostly robots. Moose and Windchime descended where the multi-species locals faced quite a few flesh-and-blood hostiles.

Nonsmoka made a charge which split the battalion-size enemy infantry force in half. She wrecked more than thirty robots, killed or wounded many of their human handlers, and threw the Imperial ranks into disorder..... until one soldier-droid fired a plasma weapon into her back and killed her.

Even in a parody, this author can't allow the good guys always to get off with NO casualties. But don't feel too bad; Nonsmoka Tiptoe of the Tugboata people WILL be coming back as a Force Ghost.
 
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Trubsocto had most of the Barnsmell with him. They were not exactly cowards, but they were utterly devoid of loyalty, conscience or honor. Early in their ground engagement, seven of the hairy brutes, INCLUDING Trubsocto, each grabbed up one of the odd-shaped sapients who could stretch their upper body much higher up-- and used them as living shields against blaster fire.

The surviving persons of that species on the scene fled as fast as they could: not only to save their own lives, but so that they could survive to report the Barnsmell's treachery to Hakstabkyll. The Barnsmell, however, were so narcissistic as to disregard the possibility of having to answer for their bad deeds. Of course, many of them did pay their deserved penalty at the hands of the enemy.

Overhead, the Goldarn fighter pilots did well enough against the pirate flyers, that some of them could peel off to lend short-term close support to the Barnsmell and those former slaves who still fought beside them. Firing missiles into the enemy ground troops, they produced gaps into which the Barnsmell could charge, shooting as they came. Non-Barnsmell who had not witnessed their hairy allies' treachery at the start of the battle joined in this charge, firing guns of their own. Pleebeedoobee of the up-stretching species was among these, with a compact laser pistol in each of her hands.

" " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " "
Moose and Melodica Windchime, when their feet hit soil, began guarding one flank of Hakstabkyll's position. They had arrived moments too late to notice that Hakstabkyll and his fellow Mintcandybarri, at a perilous point, had ALSO callously used "lesser beings" as living (not living for long) shields.

Something the up-side couple did notice was the fact that two of the four Popquizzitors appeared to know by The Fuss who was the leading defender. Kann-Hon Faha-Der and the human woman Dorkrasha were advancing straight toward the knot of Mintcandybarri warriors who fought beside Hakstabkyll, smiting down freed slaves who stood in their path. Most of the opposition the Mintcandybarri combatants currently faced consisted of human-shaped robots, wielding electrically-charged maces like the melee weapons shown in Star Wars Episode Three; but the Popquizzitors would soon be upon Hakstabkyll.

The Windchimes did a combined Fuss push to stagger ten or twelve robots at a point where the defenders were weakening. This alerted Kann-Hon, who swung his heavy single head-tail and projected his own Fuss push from it. This was focused on Moose as the more dangerous adversary; but Mrs. Windchime didn't let the momentary fall of her husband intimidate her. With lightsaber extended from her Fuss ring, she began duelling the Tryyurluck villain. Springing upright again, Moose Windchime went against not only Dorkrasha, but eighteen of energy-baton-wielding robots who were with her. Any more Fuss-pushing Moose did would be to protect his wife's back; he was confident that she could beat ONE opponent, but she lacked experience in fencing multiple opponents at once.

Thanks to being one on one, Melodica eventually disarmed Kann-Hon: both disabling his Fuss ring while injuring his ring hand, and cutting off part of his head-tail, which neutralized his Fuss pushing. He was as good as a prisoner now.

Now she beheld the nearby robots, though deprived of their electrical maces, hogpiling on Moose, trying to immobilize him so Dorkrasha could finish him. She cut the two nearest battle-droids in half, which lightened the load enough so Moose could fling the others away from him. The next four seconds went faster than thought-- but ended with Dorkrasha, who had been trying to impale Moose, getting impaled herself by Moose.

This made two Popquizzitors down, two to go.
 
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At the location where Nonsmoka Tiptoe had met her honorable end, some fifteen or twenty of the armadillo-like sapients were doing what they could to assist the up-siders. Their shells could withstand at least one blow from the electrified maces, and their tough retractable tentacles could snare the ankles of the biped robots and yank them off balance. Two of them dragged Nonsmoka's body out of the fray, so it could receive a dignified cremation.

These particular armadilloids were a married couple: Vordo-hiss-Kulbit and his wife Difsip-huff-Rebdap. They didn't realize it at the time, but at the moment they bravely performed their service of respect to a fallen hero, The Fuss descended upon them, giving them the potential to become Jedi-equivalents. The spirit of Nonsmoka, once cleared by AsaLion, would give the couple preliminary instruction

Quinine Sauce and Samladel Fripp carried on what Nonsmoka had begun, slicing and shattering enemy droids. The young Tryyurluck adept had a close call: one robot caught hold of one of her yellow head-tails, jerked her off her feet, swung her around and slammed her on the ground. Quinine was too hard-pressed to help Samladel, and she might have suffered a broken back in her fall; but at the last instant, she telekinetically cushioned herself JUST enough to save her spine. Other armadilloids hurried in, to tentacle-trip the droid which had caught Samladel, and to help the yellow-skinned warrior maiden get back up.

Out of a stand of trees, ten or more ex-captives of assorted species charged at the battle-bots' flank, using whatever weapons they had been able to find. Three of them were shot dead, but they had gained time for Samladel to rejoin Quinine, so the two could resume fighting as a team.

Presently they were joined by a Goldarn male named T'gorg. He had bailed out of his crippled fighter craft with a gravity-dampening harness, and now ran to join the up-siders, with a lightweight raygun in one hand and a cutlass-like sword in the other. He killed four of the opposing robots, and one human bad guy, before he was wounded, after which the armadilloids came to his aid. By this point, the aggressor force had suffered enough attrition that Quinine and Samladel could go fully on offense.
 
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Huhutilbo of the Glukks, dubbed an honorary Popquizzitor because he was a kindred evil spirit, wanted to go against the several Mintcandybarri warriors known to be on Riggblit, since Planet Mintcandybar had been against the Shadythings who used to be the Glukks' patrons.

When Huhutilbo reached the site where Hakstabkyll's force was fighting against Imperial troops, he waved his allies back, saying, "I am specially qualified to slay Anflaktikshok soldiers." He advanced toward Hakstabkyll, and his light-warping feature diverted laser beams and plasma slugs fired at him, without his needing to parry them in the Jedi fashion.

"I do not fear you," Hakstabkyll growled. "I know that a MATERIAL weapon cannot be stopped by your warping effect;" and he flourished his telescoping metal rod.

"But why should you fight me?" said the Glukk. "You hate humans as I do; and the faction you have sided with is friendly to humans!'

"I have begun growing wiser," the former slayer of humans retorted. "I have begun to see that spirit matters more than species."

Huhutilbo did not appear to be carrying any weapon, but he clearly outweighed Hakstabkyll by at least seventy percent. They ran at each other, and a cold gleam came from the Glukk's clawed hands. Hakstabkyll delivered many blows to his enemy's body, but Huhutilbo's distorted appearance made it hard to see if the blows were affecting him. The Mintcandybarri certainly was affected by the swipes of Huhutilbo's fingers: parts of his flesh seemed frostbitten. Eventually, what seemed like alien blood seemed to be sticking to the Mintcandybarri combat rod, but it still was impossible to know how much actual damage was being done.

Hakstabkyll was severely tiring, and more cold-attacks were slowing his movements..... when long-snouted. purple-skinned Yathmol ran up alongside him and fired her guns point-blank into the Shadything-trained Popquizzitor. And a light- distorting aura could not stop MATERIAL BULLETS from piercing the Glukk's body.

Yathmol had judged her shots well. Huhutilbo's obscuring haze faded, and with a final effort the Mintcandybarri soldier thrust the end of his long metal baton into what seemed to be the Glukk's larynx.

Huhutilbo fell down dead, as Hakstabkyll sagged down exhausted.

But not so exhausted that he could fail to realize: he had just been saved, and the battle had been turned in his side's favor..... by one of the "lesser beings" whom he had been willing to expend like non-living objects.
 
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The down-side of the Fuss warned Trillyun Subaru that all three of her peers had been slain. Aware that her commander Thuglyfe Skrawn was not the crazy sort who would punish his followers for not being 100 percent unbeatable, Trillyun elected to save her own skin, letting all the remaining battle droids cover the escape of the surviving flesh-and-blood bad guys. The Grand Admiral would find some solace in learning that the valiant Nonsmoka Tiptoe had fallen.

The remaining pirates fled to save themselves. The remaining Imperial space fighters took the hit to cover Trillyun's escape.

Meanwhile, Moose and Melodica went to check on the victorious Barnsmell contingent. They found Hastabkyll sitting on the ground, brought low by remorse rather than by wounds. Yathmol was watching him, her expression unreadable to humanoid eyes; but Moose picked up the feeling of compassion oddly mixed with disgust.

"I deserve to die," Hakstabkyll told the up-sider couple. "All of my life, I have routinely flattered myself that I individually, and the Mintcandybarri race collectively, were inherently superior to all other mortal sapients. But today I proved my moral INFERIORITY to someone like you. After striking poses as a defender and justice-giver to these formerly-enslaved people, I shamelessly used some of them as living barriers against enemy fire. All of the Anflaktikshok rangers will despise me if they ever hear of my actions, and they should. I freely submit myself to the penalty I have coming."

"We up-siders do not make ourselves judge, jury and executioner," Moose told him. "And guilty though you are, you will be more useful to the people of Riggblit by doing penance as their GENUINE protector. And an enforcer of your good behavior may be available.

"I am aware of a super-powered man called Block Atom, who has made trouble for other worlds; but he was brought to heel by a team of superheroes, including a certain Batfellow-- because Batfellow never fails. A compulsion has been laid upon Block Atom, that his powers WILL NOT WORK if he tries to use them for evil. Thus, he is being compelled to learn what goodness is like. If Block Atom can be persuaded to move here, he can be your parole officer, among other things."

"In the meantime," said Melodica to everyone present, "this planet should form an elected governing council to manage normal concerns. Perhaps this purple female-- Yamthol, was it?"

"Yathmol," Yathmol corrected.

"Yathmol might be suitable to become the council's first chairperson."
 
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We now rejoin some OTHER Star Wars-derived characters, who had nothing to do with the battle for Planet Riggblit.

Bulky Tanya's ship Tantrum, and the noise-named freighter owned by the Sebulba-like Drilpret, were continuing the quest-- no longer simply to find the Dimsaber, but now to figure a way they could TAKE IT FROM those who had found it first. The Banjolorian group, battle-hardened though they were, knew they didn't have the numbers and firepower to take the revered weapon from any Imperial fortress. But Tanya knew how to play the long game.

"We'll go to a planet which is not garrisoned by the Empire of Evil Badness, but which has plenty of commerce pass through. Acting like we're just interested in mercenary employment, we might learn some crucial story-advancing information."

They all eventually agreed to go visit the one-footed hopper-dwarf Mistress Duppahooka, Executive Bigwig of the United Wastelands: the closest thing to a central ruler that Planet Kummanokkin had. Drilpret's ship was equipped to capture meteors or other objects not more than four meters in diameter; so, on the outskirts of the star system which contained Kummanokkin, they collected an ice chunk which would melt into over six hundred gallons of water. This would be offered as a life-sustaining gift for whatever Kummanokkinite settlement was most threatened by drought.

When Duppahooka heard from Tanya, she was overjoyed with the promised water gift; she knew at once to which place to ask Drilpret's ship to deliver it. Tanya planned, after keeping this promise, to check on how the detached Republic soldier Vin Gasleen was doing.

Toonic Sleave, her brothers Patchy and Shorty, the massive Lashrook, Tanya's men Morose, Lariat and Curdle, and anybody else I forgot was with them, all resolved to be on their best behavior while on Kummanokkin.
 
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In order to keep the story moving ahead, Vin Gasleen himself was at Sadugri Ridge, the town which Duppahooka had identified as needing water. With him was a female of the same tusk-faced biped race as Up-Side Master Plow Korn. Her name was Jeebut Semrith; she was a geologist who, on behalf of the Republic of Lots of Worlds, was researching the anti-drought measures of arid planets.

Jeebut and Vin were working to dig a deep well, using a sort of quick-setting concrete to line its interior as they went down. A male single-footer named Yovord, the strongest individual among the natives living in Sadugri Ridge, was assisting. Yovord was the first villager to go and meet the Banjolorian party; the town had no radio service, but Jeebut had a comm set and had been tipped by Duppahooka that help was coming.

"Welcome and many thanks, friends from distant worlds!" Yovord exclaimed."If it may be in our power to repay you even slightly, we will be honored to serve you."

"We Banjolorians desire improved relations with the Republic," Tanya replied. "So being able to render assistance to Geologist Semrith in her honorable work is itself a benefit to us."

Drilpret supervised the melting of the space-found ice into the main cistern of the town. This had scarcely been done before single-footer families began lining up to get water first for their children, then for their peculiar backwards-walking draft animals. Before the day was over, Vin had a chance to talk privately with Bulky Tanya.

"Have you had any luck finding your people's totemic weapon?"

"Only so far as knowing who HAS it now. The same Imperial-affiliated group which came here before, the ones who had that Fuss-using girl called Siskeli, finally located it on a world of primitive non-humanoid sapients who had kept it at a shrine."

Vin frowned at the thought. "I suppose they killed the natives to get the Dimsaber?"

"No, as far as we can determine, that same girl found a way to take the sacred weapon without harming anyone. That counts in her favor; but I still want the Dimsaber, to assert my leadership claims among the Banjolorians. Any chance you'd be free to join us in the quest?"

"Hmmm, well, the caravan roads have been fairly safe since Yovord and I shot some bandit leaders east of here, eleven days ago. Let me make a call on your subspace radio, and ask my superiors for approval to join your search. Promote those good relations."
 
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Vin Gasleen was told that the Republic of Lots of Worlds would have two squads of soldiers delivered to Kummanokkin within four standard days. Wanting his tour as a caravan guard to end on a high note, he asked the Banjolorian party to go with him to a Mars-like planet in the same system, to clean out a fortified base of space pirates (no connection with the pirates who were lately in the Doldarump System). Killing or capturing those crooks filled in the time nicely.

Back on Kummanokkin, Vin, Tanya and the others thought the Republic troop transport was coming; but it still was three hours away. What arrived right now was a stunningly beautiful human woman, able to fly in space without a ship, who upset Bulky Tanya by having brighter blonde hair than Tanya's.

The red gem in the new blonde's forehead made it unnecessary to use any translation device. Deezla Vozard of the Heart Sapphire Sisterhood introduced herself, explained what her cosmic sorority was, then added: "We bungled a mission very badly on an Earth-variant, making people so dependent on us that their own infrastructure was ruinously neglected. And I--- suffice it to say that I bungled far worse than most of us. I'm trying to make amends from now on by using my powers ONLY in ways which clearly do ONLY good."

One Heart Sapphire specialty could have been invented for this very planet: the ability to transmute sand into water. Scarcely a quarter-hour after she landed, Miss Vozard had a long-term occupation to pursue: making sure that EVERY settlement of the single-footed people had a large reserve of potable water.

This process looked like changing millions of lives. A hundred Sapphire Sisters could not have given Kummanokkin seas, or even lakes; but Deezla was contributing to a longer average life expectancy for Kummanokkinites, and even the prospect of enlarging the population. What was more, although Heart Sapphires dreaded violence, Deezla's powers for shielding and restraining could be of use to the inbound soldiers in reducing banditry.

Vin Gasleen soon was a passenger on Drilpret's cargo starship; and so was Yovord, whom Executive Bigwig Duppahooka hastily dubbed an ambassador at large for their planet. Upon eventually returning home, Yovord would visit what passed for colleges on Kummanokkin, and lecture young hopper-dwarfs about faraway worlds.

He might even get to witness the momentous restoration of the Dimsaber to the Banjolorian people.
 
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Any parody of Star Wars, or EVEN of Mel Brooks' "Spaceballs," should presuppose the existence of many inhabited worlds. Tanya's lot purposely set course for a star system which has not been mentioned in the story heretofore, but which was known to Banjolorians.

Moxibox Two, one of just four true planets in its white-dwarf star system, hosted a human population. Over the past five centuries, over thirty Moxiboxian orphans had been adopted into this or that Banjolorian clan. Tanya had met the two most recent of these, though she had never fought beside them. Calling ahead by subspace radio, Tanya told the Moxiboxians about her quest for the Dimsaber. Finding many of these people interested, Tanya put out a suggestion that Toonic Sleave and her brothers Patchy Sleave and Shorty Sleave could form a team with five or six Moxiboxians, if the latter had a ship of their own to contribute. The purpose would still be taking back the Dimsaber.

Making it known that two non-Banjolorians, Vin and Yovord, were in on the quest, Tanya suggested that these two could maybe enlist some kind of special-skills team, who might cruise in company with the Tantrum and Drilpret's ship. This point was left undecided.

Among those who met Bulky Tanya on the planet was a male Banjolorian who had been the last Moxiboxian inducted into the culture BEFORE the two Moxiboxian Banjolorians personally known to her. Frazmick Semtur had been back on his native planet for three years now, employed as a small-arms instructor for the modest local army. He told Tanya that if he could bring along his four or five best students, he could furnish a ship which would have room also for the Sleave siblings, thus facilitating Tanya's proposed arrangement.

Soon all was ready for the enlarged quest party to have a passage of time before being written about further. As it turned out, they departed Moxibox only barely in time to avoid being bored to tears by a visit from a ridiculous man and woman resembling Jack Black and Lizzo.
 
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>>> Okay, it's been long enough since we visited Earth-Whichever, the world which had been behind most Earth-variants in scientific development, and so had needed newly-empowered superheroes and outside help to survive an invasion from Planet Awkwardlisp. In the aftermath of the victory over Twerpseid, Earth-Whichever enjoys intermittent communication with "Urth" and "Seedubb."
_____________________________________________________

General Timothy "Thumper" Moss, the Chairman of Joint Chiefs in the United States as it existed on Earth-Whichever, was flanked by She-Hunk and Golden Rakshasa as he entered the chambers of the Chinese Communist Party for this Earth-variant. It was also known that She-Hunk's husband, the Unfindable Man, was around somewhere. The same power-hungry men and women who had thought they could conquer Nepal and India before enough superheroes got home to thwart them, now shuddered inwardly at the realization that Jimmy Strum could be standing next to any of them right now, with an invisible knife in his invisible hand.

Moss had not really contributed much to the successful defense of Nepal; but he was a good speaker, even able to speak Mandarin. So nobody on the winning side objected to him addressing the humiliated Central Committee in Beijing.

"You are already informed of the existence of many other worlds, among these being other equally-genuine versions of Earth itself. Two of these parallel Earths maintain periodic communication with nations on our Earth-- with nations which learned lessons of cooperation from the threat of Twerpseid's forces. You Communists have ourselves to thank for NOT enjoying the same cordial relations.

"Worlds with superheroes have demonstrated how diplomacy backed up with strength works. On Seedubb, the China of that Earth made use of two unscrupulous geniuses called Lex Loozor and Red Headbone, in much the same way as you made use of the War Witch called Sharbadil. But the metahuman community set limits on this. That other Beijing was advised that the Free World would not take action against them if they adopted superior technology for defense; but if they used advanced armaments for aggression, superheroes would come down hard on them.

"My government, and those of Nepal, India, Tibet and Japan, consider this a good example to emulate. The surviving members of your super-female-soldiers corps may remain with you, and you are free to develop still more of them..... provided that they are not used to START conflict with other nations. We will also-- encourage you to permit people to emigrate from China if they want to."

"You are trying to enslave the Chinese people!" exclaimed one bureaucrat, who had been assigned in advance to act righteously indignant on cue. "This is like the Unequal Treaties of the nineteenth century, which provoked the Boxer Rebellion!"

Moss unflappably replied: "The kung-fu fighters who rose up in that understandable insurrection were not attempting to annex the nations of the Himalayan region." The very mention of those politicized martial artists drew the General's mind back to his ambition of increasing America's metahuman personnel pool. Probably too much to hope for, that Master Kam and Mistress Bao might defect to us. But staying right where they are, they may serve as a voice of moderation.
 
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Back in the United States, inventor Stony "Iron Gent" Stork met with Kirk "Doc" Slippage, Kirk's sorceress wife Zoorama, and bio-scientist Bryce Donner who had changed his cousin Jasmine Waterford into the Exquisite She-Hunk.

Stony ran his eyes over the others. "The four of us represent four approaches to human achievement. If I were to try defining us as a spectrum of possibilities, here's how it is. You, Zoorama, obviously represent magical talent-- which, in many ways, is superior to all the others, but which is the LEAST ACCESSIBLE to the general public. Wizards, good or evil, will remain a minority. If twenty thousand ordinary but enraged people all charged at you from every side, intent on killing you, your only chance of surviving would be to disappear out of the mob's reach.

"You, Bryce, embody the next-least-accessible path to achievement: ultra-sophisticated biological improvements to people, using science, but a science most people don't understand. Persons like your cousin, who can tolerate all the procedures, will end up enjoying huge advantages; that's why the Defense Department is so interested in you. But not everyone is ever going to be able to receive induced ability-boosting. I myself am farther-reaching, because my non-organic inventions can be manufactured in quantity; all sorts of people can use them.

"Which brings us to you, Doc Slippage. What you have done with your life required neither magic, nor extraordinary science-- though of course you ARE a scientist-- nor wealth. Your achievements, though on a smaller scale than ours, are ENTIRELY YOUR OWN achievements. You did not need a rare magical anointing, nor cellular-level enhancements, nor enormous wealth, to become an extraordinary combination of brawn and brains. It was all you: all your own effort, your own planning, your own self-discipline. If there were ten of you, those ten prodigies could probably devise ways to defeat any of us other three, despite our advantages.

"We have learned that superheroes on those other Earths have built associations, using synergy to be more effective at vanquishing evil--"

Zoorama, while not strictly a mind reader, could usually tell where someone was going in a discussion. "But because THIS world is utterly new to dealing with displays of supernormal abilities, us working together too closely could scare the public that we were a conspiracy for tyranny, no better than the Maoists we recently thwarted."

"Bingo, Missus Slippage. Therefore, on THIS Earth, I think we need to refrain from creating a named and organized team. Our super-specialties ought to operate separately; and we should neither be too secretive, nor be so blatant as to come off like insufferable boasters. It is you, Kirk Slippage, who can and should be the most public of us. What you have accomplished, any number of other mortals can at least partly imitate. You can be a coach and a motivator to the world. Maybe start a chain of survival bootcamps, fitness clubs, and scholarship outreach for young potential scientists."
 
At a nightclub in Leningrad, Colonel Irina Beriya used the respect she had earned to "sponsor" Sushi Strum the Woman Torch into the local scene. Both women being unattached, and with Irina ready to interpret for her friend who spoke no Russian, they could just have some fun. This involved plenty of dancing, some singing, reasonable drinking and eating, and Irina translating for the locals various anecdotes that Sushi could relate about her adventures on Jersey Earth.

At the last club they visited before heading to their hotel rooms, a fiftyish woman shorter than Sushi or Irina, but athletic in build, introduced herself to them both, speaking in passable English:

"Welcome to Leningrad, Miss Torch. I, Valentina Domashnovna Polidorova. I, instructor of new cosmonauts at rocket base in Kazakhstan. Everyone at Camp of Stars knowing how you and yours brother Yakov became superior. Colonel Beriya, does she offended by something?"

Irina replied rapidly in Russian, then explained to Sushi: "She saw you looking puzzled when she said your brother was named Yakov. Your brother's proper given name is James, and you didn't realize that 'Yakov' is the closest Russian counterpart of the name 'James'."

This detail clarified. Sushi was prepared to try conversing with Valentina. The space veteran told the American: "I same self was in cosmos four time, then became trainer. Not I, not any cosmonaut subjected to cosmic strength changing us of biology. How can be that you and Yakov change-selfed into this difference?"

Sushi sighed profoundly. "If my fiance had survived, he might have found the explanation. You may have heard of Bryce Donner? He is searching for the explanation of how Yakov-- Jimmy and I were changed. Kirk Slippage is also involved."

"And if will those men take answer, will they share with Russia?"

"Irina, make sure she understands my meaning-- Miss Polidorova, because Russia worked with America against the extraterrestrial attackers, yes, Bryce and Kirk will share what they find out."
 
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ON MEDIUMGARD EARTH , Zed Forsythe of the Cosmic Fact Checkers had evaded being detained by heroes. Right now, he was in a town in Senegal, where he found an elementary school. Inflated with confidence, he didn't even think about willing his twin ear-gems to make his words understandable to the French-speaking schoolchildren.

Entering a classroom, he saw by an old-fashioned chalkboard that an arithmetic lesson was in progress. Using his Sapphire energy, he pushed the teacher back past the farther end of her desk. He also sealed the door shut so no one could enter or leave.

Then, generating an energy ring around himself to keep anyone from coming too close, he began haranguing in English: "Arithmetic is hate! When you say that three plus three equals six, you are CRUELLY EXCLUDING all the other numbers which could have been the answer. Don't you see how narrow and limiting this intolerant rule is? It will make you desire to kill anyone who finds a different answer! WARS have been fought over the placement of a decimal point. Nations conquered and enslaved other nations just because their victims used different numerals. You must learn the numbers of love, because ALL numbers are numbers!"

Erasing the surface of the chalkboard, Zed began writing his own idea of math problems. Fifty-one minus forty-nine became two thousand one hundred; seven divided by thirty became eight hundred three, and so on. The boy grew so thrilled with his own creativity that he forgot to maintain his trapping energies, whereupon the teacher and the children fled the room.

Zed was almost finished proving that five million times the color orange equalled September, when a very big pair of hands took hold of him and made him lie face down on the floor. Before he could rally his energy to push the stranger away, some object like a spoon dug the gems out of his ears. And just like that, the mighty Cosmic Fact Checker was only a spoiled brat with no special powers. The stranger pocketed the confiscated Sapphire implants, then withdrew three paces and let Zed get up.

Zed beheld a long-bearded man wearing furs and armor, who must have weighed at least three hundred pounds.

"Witless lad, I am called Kevlodric, accent the second syllable: a warrior of Hallpasscard. This is my only appearance in the story, just to show that minor supporting characters can be significant. The Bridgekeeper detected you, and sent me here to render you harmless. You will not be hurt, but you must be brought to the kingdom of Wonkabara, where Princess Shurthingy will study you. Eventually, you will be returned to the alternate Earth where you were born."
 
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This winter was moderate enough that entertainers could safely travel to gigs in the northern U.S.A. or even Canada. One such entertainer was a very good-looking country-pop singer named Gayla Lamont. Another was a rugged-looking male gospel singer named Colter Vinson. Around the same time as Kevlodric of Hallpasscard arrested Zed Forsythe, Gayla took a flight to Saskatoon, Canada to sing at an event center, while Colter flew to minister in music at the largest church in Butte, Montana.

But the apostate Buddhist monk Drigum Namdre didn't need an airplane. He had lost his former ability to be physically present in two places at the same time, but he could still teleport. He reckoned that if he meddled with Colter before the church event, too many people would notice-- probably including serious Christians who would be immune to mental manipulation. Better to try with Mister Vinson after the big meeting, when he is at once physically tired, and spiritually complacent because things have gone well. So Drigum would go after Gayla BEFORE her show, playing on her vanity.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The mystical villain inserted himself into a crowd of journalists, projecting the easy illusion that he was one of them. Moments before Miss Lamont --actually, Mrs. Chatfield, because she was married to a Christian record producer named Kerry Chatfield, but he had accepted her using her maiden name as her stage name-- showed herself, Drigum put out a psychic vibration which slowed the thought processes of the genuine reporters. They were not harmed at all, but they became uncertain about what questions they wanted to ask the country-pop star. Drigum left just one real journalist intact, because this one merely intended to ask superficial questions about Gayla's current North American tour.

When Gayla strutted into view, Drigum intangibly bombarded her with suggestions of narcissism: subtle, voiceless hints that she was above all these dull peasants. The Tibetan, skilled at steering other people's feelings, didn't overdo it; he only influenced her enough that she would be receptive to his own planned flattery. Once the one untampered man's ordinary questions had been answered, the infiltrator went into high gear.

"Miss Lamont, as an enlightened man, I must congratulate you on refusing to be chained and muffled by the Christian patriarchy. But I can't help wondering if you have evolved far enough."

Gayla looked puzzled; her expression revealed that not all of her innocence had yet been corroded away by stardom. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that one more step in your self-actualization remains to be taken. It surely must have occurred to a woman so intelligent as you are. Since you are the genuine talent in your marriage, when are you going to demand that Kerry assume YOUR last name?"

"Um, I can't say I ever thought of doing that."

You soon will imagine that it was your own idea, Drigum silently gloated. And more epiphanies will follow.

The author informs you retroactively that Drigum had worked on Gayla's mind once before: years before he ever tampered with Lance and Shelley Heflin. He had spoken to the songstress in dreams, telling her that she should record a certain song which had been brought to her attention. The song had been one which-- under the disguise of a cheerful tune-- argued that ABSOLUTELY ANY CONCERN for obeying conscience or trying to do right was insulting to God. The song's lyrics claimed, almost without even disguising the intent, that a mortal should never do any brave or unselfish action UNLESS God grabbed them by the throat and forced them to do it.

In the lyrics, this prescribed unwillingness to let goodness be proactive, this default assumption that self-absorption should be a person's default condition, this relegating of active charity and self-sacrifice to LAST place in priorities, was disingenuously described as "living like a believer" and "handing it all to the Lord."
 
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Blinking down from Saskatoon to Butte, Drigum sat unnoticed in the balcony of the mega-church. He cheerfully remembered the song which he had ensured Gayla Lamont would record. The substance of that song characterized Colter Vinson's entire presentation. In music and in speech, Colter advised his hearers that ANY effort at self-discipline, self-denial, bravery, integrity or sacrifice was identical with "doing it in your own strength." Everybody needed to lie down and loaf until God somehow MADE them do something good without their volition.

This is SO easy, Drigum thought. He's doing the job for me.

When the concert ended, the Tibetan joined the crowd swarming to congratulate Colter. It disturbed him to realize that many of those around him still were genuine followers of Christ, and would be immune to his mind control. But not my target for tonight. Just for fun, the ex-monk put on a sappy face for the singer's benefit. "Thank you, Brother Colter. Now you've shown me how to love myself!"

Hours later, Drigum Namdre materialized in Colter's hotel room. Standing over the sleeping singer, he muttered:

"Your God-- the God you really worship-- is pleased that you appreciate his grace for what it is: permission to indulge your desires. Any other course in life would mean trying to EARN salvation! Say, do you remember that gorgeous woman Gayla Lamont.....?"

About five weeks later, Colter and Gayla renewed what had been a slight casual acquaintance, collaborating on some new music projects.

A month after this, Colter divorced his wife Penelope, explaining that he was exercising his freedom in divine grace.

Two months after that, Gayla would divorce Kerry, citing "irreconcilable differences." In a later interview, Kerry would remark, "The only difference was that I wanted her to stay, and she wanted to leave."

Gayla and Colter had a delightful future ahead of them; a future of telling audiences that "following your heart" was SO MUCH more important than empty formalities like solemn promises. In fact, Gayla and Colter were destined to be the very first people on Mediumgard Earth to popularize the deliberately-misleading catch phrase "Love wins!"



Two years after THAT, Gayla would start hinting that COLTER should start using her last name as his.
 
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On Planet Freesoil, the relocated sapients based on Tharks in Edgar Rice Burroughs' Barsoom stories received a happy surprise: Almighty God AsaLion transported more of the same species (again, with strength miraculously adjusted for gravity) to the colony. The numbers of males and females were exactly right for all the six-limbed singles on-planet to find spouses. And speaking of spouses--

Boone Crockett, the settlement's leader, conducted a wedding for the widower Denzel Powder and the green-skinned Tryyurluck widow Lumlabbish. Denzel and Lumlabbish were both so happy, their shared joy was like a second sun in the sky. Tarp Kanvas and his people had rapidly built a comfortable new cottage for the newlyweds..... and on the wedding might, it seemed that a small earthquake spread out from the cottage.

No one expected Mister and Missus Powder to take any part in work which occurred over the next two weeks. Taking advantage of the navigable waters on Freesoil, the colonists built two new sailing ships, one of which had all components sized to fit the Thark types. Plans were made to build a town also sized for the "Green Martian" variants; not that other races would be unwelcome there, but it would be suited to Tarp Kanvas' race. And yes, the former Dark Headgear, with Krayzee and Lylah, used their telekinesis to help with construction at both sites.

A month passed with no mishaps for the colony. Then one day, the senior worker Abner Littleton was inspecting the agricultural machinery for possible needs of repair, when John Cardsharper who was with him stiffened for a minute.

"Abner, I just picked up the thoughts of two human minds-- IN SPACE, and coming our way."

"Are they hostile, John?"

"They are not, thank the Creator. But I sense that they MIGHT HAVE been hostile, if a change had not been forced upon them. They previously were, well, sort of hostile: if not wantonly violent, yet quite selfish, and wishing to dominate and rule others."

"But you say something changed them?"

"Yes, especially the man. He calls himself Block Atom, and he has enough power that, unless our combined Fuss users could stop him, he would be capable of killing all of us. I say 'capable,' but an outside power placed a binding on him. If he seeks to do any unjustified violence, his powers will refuse to work. The woman with him, named Serrimu, has considerable mind-influencing power, which seems NOT to have been taken away from her. But my own mental talents can counter hers; and without Block Atom being able to enforce her will, there isn't much that Serrimu can do to us."

"All right, it could have been worse. But what are WE supposed to do?"

"Be reasonable with them. And don't START any arguments, because Block Atom still CAN use his powers to defend himself and her from any unprovoked attack."
 
Slick "Dark Headgear" Mudpackis had been assisting John Cardsharper to practice SENDING OUT his thoughts. The Edgar Rice Burroughs pastiche character knew exactly when Block Atom and Princess Serrimu entered the colonists' star system.

He reached outward, trying to touch only the metahuman man's brain, since only Serrimu was known to have any psychic talents. His effort was rewarded, first with knowledge of how Block had usurped the rule of Planet Senphatori. It was at least somewhat to Block's credit that he had not committed any wanton slayings there. There followed fragments of Block's collaboration with the Calamari Dynasty based on Planet Lousy Sekondhanstor. His actions on Planet Gumwad also showed him as not a habitual murderer, but did confirm his desire to rule others.

A crucial detail was Block Atom's memory of being defeated by Batfellow. John gained clarification of what was forbidding Block to do any wrongful violence. He immediately sent to Boone Crockett and to Slick Mudpackis the thought: "Absorb what I learned about what restrains Block Atom from committing murder. We need to see if we can duplicate the brain-restraining technology." This done, the spacefaring swordsman prepared his mind for alien contact.

"Block Atom and Serrimu of House Calamari! My name is John Cardsharper. I was born on one of the less remarkable Earth-variants, but I have gotten around some since my youth. I am now part of the frontier community on Planet Freesoil, which is home to migrants from four different sentient races. We live in peaceful cooperation here.

"I have just gleaned from your brain an outline of your actions in the recent past. I gather that if you had NOT been checked by advanced heroes, we would have no choice but to ask you for mercy. But we now know that you have--deservedly! --been placed under an apparently unbreakable compulsion. You are NOT ABLE to kill us, nor to wreck our infrastructure, unless we attempt unprovoked harm to you or your lady-friend. That is no hardship to us, as WE DON'T commit unprovoked harm to others. I urge you to see your visit here as your opportunity to learn civilized conduct."

Block Atom landed with Serrimu three minutes later. He allowed Serrimu to speak first.

"John Cardsharper, I sense that you are immune to The Chatter. So I will not try to control your will. Instead, let us discuss how Block and I might dwell here for a while without giving offense."

"It would help," John replied, "if your metahuman swain would use his mega-strength to perform some constructive jobs, like digging out some new lakebeds to serve us as reservoirs."
 
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