Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Invited in to dine, all of the travelers were asked to take off their shoes upon entering the manor house. In a sort of mud room, they were given the means to wash their feet, after which indoor sandals were provided. Wyatt informed the new guests that Sir Toshiram desired each guest, during or after supper, to ask one question about life in Samplibam. Wyatt and Mukuma would of course share the job of translating. Beginning after dessert, the host and hostess would ask each guest to tell one fact about his or her own background.

Freshwater fish being abundant in Samplibam, the supper centered on a fish species similar to trout, served on beds of rice with steamed vegetables. Chopsticks were not used, but a version of tea was the principal beverage, and the appetizer was much like miso soup. Order of questions was open.

With Ronald's approval, twelve-year-old Diego broke the ice with a simple, inoffensive question, which Mukuma interpreted. "Besides learning warrior skills, I am learning how to make dishes and utensils from tin. Does your estate have any metalworkers in residence?"

"Not for tin, as it happens," replied the landowner. "But we do have men who work in iron and women who work in copper. For items of tempered steel, such as our daggers and swords, we engage independent craftsmen, whose talent gives them great prestige in our culture. If your teacher approves of this, I can arrange for you to spend two or three hours watching my smiths at their tasks." Once this answer was translated, Ronald heartily accepted the offer on Diego's behalf, and remarked to the boy: "When expert work is rewarded with higher social status in an otherwise aristocratic society, this is called meritocracy."

Nishri, the elder of the two sisters from Gahurr, posed the next question from where she sat next to Donnie. "The man whom I am courting, when he isn't heroically fighting against evil as the Towermen do, bakes bread and cakes to earn money. If Donnie wished to try producing and selling his wares in your country, would he need to request official permission from someone?" Wyatt handled this translation, and changed Nishri's wording to say that DONNIE was courting HER.

Since Mistress Noombi was in charge of all matters regarding food for everyone on the estate, she gave the answer: "There are leading persons from the mercantile class in our society who have a strong voice in granting or denying such permission to the few outsiders who ever come to do commerce in Samplibam. But if my husband were to endorse Donnie Tonka's business, this would go a long way toward inducing those trade leaders to accept his activity among them. Accordingly, Mister Tonka, while you remain under Toshiram's roof, it should not be difficult for our kitchen staff to provide you with grain, cooking oil and suchlike, for you to use in producing your bread and cakes."
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Of other facts which the adventurers learned that evening, the most plotline-important were these:

>> Samplibam did have a monarch of sorts, who in fact was actually known by the phonetic Japanese title "Shogun"-- even though no mortal on Planet Punksteema knew anything about Japanese shoguns on Original Earth. Sorry, Zoralee, all Shoguns were male. The Samplibami Shogunate was hereditary; if a Shogun lacked a competent son, he could pass the title to a nephew, a younger brother, or a son-in-law. As far back as local remembrance extended, there had never been an all-out civil war for the throne; but four past shoguns had been assassinated. This had not ended well for the assassins, except in one case when the shogun being slain had really REALLY deserved it. Three other past successions had been decided by fair, agreed-upon duels between the champions of the rivals. It was Toshiram's pride that a great-great-grandfather of his on his mother's side had been the successful champion who gained the throne for a just and widely-popular lord from House Firahoba. That shogun's first name was also Toshiram.

>> Only one kind of mythical being was indigenous to Samplibam: a close version of the Tengu in Japanese legends. Tengu on Punksteema were sort of like Hawkman in comics, only more authentically avian: half the weight of a man, standing upright on two legs with clawed feet, with a sort of double shoulders to support arms AND wings. Their heads were organically hawk-like, not just a mask; but they were omnivores rather than strict carnivores. Any individual of their species might be good or evil, though individuals aggressively hostile to humans were the exception. Tengu could not instantly cast spells on a moment's notice, but with preparation they could work magic. They enjoyed both nature-knowledge like druids, and artisan skills like Tolkien's dwarves. They could be slain by ordinary weapons, but they were magical enough to slay weapon-resistant monsters; and they were good enough at treating wounds that they often recovered from terrible injuries. The first Shogun, Yoshikoro Sanpai, had saved the life of a Tengu couple's daughter, and the grateful parents had helped him to establish his kingdom.

>> The first two generations of Samplibami after their nation was officially founded had believed in a personal Creator, Whom they called Haruyaso. But over time, their beliefs had shifted into conformity with Zen beliefs on Original Earth. The Colorless Quetzalcoatl had mentioned to Mukuma that the Zen approach had stifled the idea of personal afterlife, in favor of drop-in-the-ocean everything-ism. The N'Dazporhai widow had tentatively decided that her planned Scripture paraphrase would use the name "Haruyaso" to mean God the Father-- the FULLY-AWARE Deity of the Bible.

>> Of all the noble families in Samplibam, only one bore non-stop, raging, unquenchable hatred for the Yagahodos: House Burakarut, the family whose plans to gain the Shogunate had been thwarted by Toshiram's duellist ancestor. The Shogun whom that duellist ancestor (named Pirahaka) had placed on the throne, had thereafter made sure to watch out for any treachery by the sore losers. Only in a later generation had the Burakaruts tried a dirty trick: poisoning a creek which flowed through Yagahodo land. But the Tengu had uncovered the attempted chemical warfare, and had foiled it by planting aquatic reeds which had the quality of neutralizing poisons.

>> The second nastiest of Samplibami noble houses-- not especially feuding with House Yagahodo, but potentially an adversary to any clan-- was House Hayateba. One former Hayateba retainer, named Jonawiku, looked like a young Keanu Reeves on Original Earth, if Reeves had been black. Arguably the finest living archer in Samplibam, Jonawiku preferred to fight with arrows at long range, and empty-handed with jujitsu at close quarters; but he could use many other weapons when appropriate. Four years earlier, Jonawiku's newly-wedded bride Shufiro had been slain, with reckless gunfire, by Silnarpian airship crewmen being rowdy. The culprits had died painfully, their airship had been destroyed, and those travelers who Jonawiku was satisfied were innocent of the murder were sent away overland to carry a warning: NO Silnarpians were ever to enter Samplibam again. The Shogun had not cared to gainsay Jonawiku in this matter. Even the Tengu didn't know where the lone warrior was at present; but it was known that he was no longer in Hayateba service-- because the Hayateba leader had not taken his archer's grievance seriously.
 
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Two ballroom-sized spaces in the manor house were made available to lay down futons for the guests to sleep on: males in one room, females in the other. The only guest who had any problem going to sleep was Wyatt Hickok--who, as he said, had already slept for years. One of the landowner's sons, named Kenchur, had been away doing business for his father in a friendly territory; coming home at night and hearing about the fascinating visitors, Kenchur was more than glad to sit up late conversing with Wyatt, since Wyatt could understand his questions. But Kenchur opened the dialogue with family history.

"Cannons, and gate-wrecking explosive charges, became known in Samplibam well before the birth of my ancestor Pirahaka. But because of the effectiveness of our archery, there was no hurry to create or purchase hand-portable firearms. The Burakarut, sending trade agents beyond our nation's borders, acquired muskets when my father was a small boy. Some years later, these were used to murder several men of a clan at peace with ours, when those men went elk hunting outside the border. Hearing of this, my father convinced Grandfather that House Yagahodo had better begin acquiring gunpowder weapons also, just in case guns grew efficient enough to render bows obsolete.

"Centuries before Pirahaka, thus before any nation in all of Arcondoyla had seriously developed firearms, our semi-nomadic ancestors knew of the existence of Edgar Pallendin's Order of Towermen. Your order didn't have guns then, either. At some time during our period of increasing isolation, you began using guns. When the Quetzalcoatl brought you into Samplibam for your convalescence from the long near-death sleep, this was when we were first made aware with certainty that the Towermen were now gun-users, as were the associated Smoke Maidens.

"Here's where I ask an actual question. Since you are now formally referred to as GUN-slingers, how is it that the Loi-Hukshem youth D'Kovo Pril remains an archer?"

"A perfectly reasonable question," said Wyatt. "All Towermen, and all Smoke Maidens, are required to know ABOUT the types of guns and their capabilities, and it is usual for them to carry guns; but using guns is not absolutely required. For a comparison: Talusek, Ilya, D'Kovo and Diego have all acquired skill in the unarmed Nizozuan fighting method called Song-Fist; but my gun-brother Ronald has not. For unarmed combat, Ronald has a sufficient arsenal of moves in his long-refined mastery of boxing and wrestling. Since his apprentices gained Song-Fist, he has objectively studied their techniques, in order to visualize how he can DEFEND AGAINST their attacks; but he will not spread himself too thin by trying to DO their techniques.

"Our creed still refers to the bow, the spear and the sword, which were the order's customary weapons in Sir Edgar's time. But it has always been true that our code of chivalry matters more than the physical selection of weapons."

Kenchur nodded. "My father would agree. Still, the chivalrous man will be helped to succeed if he has the best available tools. Might your Towermen Order be willing to help Samplibam upgrade its arsenal?"

"Ronald and I, with our four new members, ARE the Order now. You have every opportunity to seek progress on your own. We are not manufacturers of guns, nor are we the only ones who know how to use them. But we can certainly permit Samplibami craftsmen to examine our weapons and make notes; and we can help you encourage RIGHT ATTITUDES in persons who may end up carrying recent-model firearms."

"The fact that our Shogun has not yet officially taken cognizance of your visit to Samplibam leads me to ask: have you Towermen ever served as advisors to rulers in matters of modernizing armaments?"

Wyatt shrugged. "Such things do occur, but are not unique to us. The girl Heejee was recently involved with modernizing guns over in Mifdola. The Towermen had more of a role in this area back when firearms were still new and rare. I know you don't have the telegraph; but is anyone bearing word of our presence to your Shogun?"

"The Shogun has known who YOU are, ever since the Quetzalcoatl brought you into our country to gain strength in peace. He also knows about Mistress Mukuma's intention to provide sacred writings, and has formally declared his tolerance of it. But I don't know how many people have heard about Sir Ronald and the rest being here."

"Hmmm, I believe you had better send someone galloping to your king no later than sunrise. Enemies of yours probably would love to make him think that your harboring us is part of some treasonous plot."
 
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After midnight, Ronald was awakened by Billyboy, who whispered: "I've been contacted in my sleep by a combined magical effort of Rizlaya Tohir and Felipe Catalano. They have determined that you will need the use of your left arm sooner than it would knit normally. The Quetzalcoatl is not permitted to heal you; but we are. Just call it the Retcon Effect.

"I will presently change back to my doomrat shape. Once I do so, you must use your knife tip to make a small cut in what will then be my left foreleg. You must suck out some of my blood, enough so you can feel it going down your throat. As empowered by Felipe and Rizlaya's magic, this will cause your fracture to heal in about a day instead of a month."

Ronald did as instructed. The doomrat blood had scarcely been in his stomach for five minutes before he felt a pleasing warmth inside him. The regeneration process had clearly started.

"Now, Ronald, you MUST NOT TELL anyone what made your arm recover so rapidly. I can't have people all over Punksteema forming the notion that all they need to do is bleed me to be cured of all ills!"

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The morning brought another surprise. This less-obviously-magical surprise was being carried on an ornate litter-- not by slaves, but by veteran warriors who deemed this task an honor. Their passenger was Wajitujit Firahoba, the current Shogun; it turned out that the Colorless Quetzalcoatl had paid him a courtesy call, reporting what events had followed the revival of Wyatt Hickok. Heralds made it clear that the Yagahodos were not in any trouble, but that the Shogun wanted to meet all of the newcomers. To this end, and to give a just and respected ruler the dignity of a sense of control in events, the Quetzalcoatl had also given him the ability to understand and be understood by the foreigners.

Apart from the heralds, the foremost member of the procession was a long-haired Samplibami man who was unarmed, but who radiated the same aura of readiness and fearlessness as a Towerman. He looked like Keanu Reeves if Keanu Reeves had been an African-American. Having apparently heard about Wyatt Hickok now knowing the local tongue, he asked the gunslinger-knight to interpret the following:

"In case the readers haven't figured it out, I am Jonawiku, son of Mofiruzo. I begged permission to accompany Shogun Wajitujit's procession, that I might meet men who are my equals in prowess. This much being explained, I will remain out of people's way until the Shogun's official business is concluded."

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There had been no time for Donnie Tonka to bake anything which Wajitujit's food-tasters could have sampled, but Lady Noombi managed at least to inform those tasters that one of the foreigners was a baker. Having been gifted with language-crossing ability, the Shogun also asked others of the visiting contingent about their occupations and ambitions.

Ronald and Wyatt found the Shogun eager to learn about their adventures, and the history of the Towermen and Smoke Maidens. Wyatt having slain a marauding werewolf with his bare fists, and Ronald having battled the zombie plague in Felruda and Heskadug, held the monarch's rapt interest. Talusek, Ilya, D'Kovo and Diego were also called forth to recount their apprenticeship; they included credit to the departed Otto Kergoff, a worthy descendant of Edgar Pallendin.

Mistress Mukuma sensed the Spirit instructing her to seek out Jonawiku.

"Young man, I am led by Haruyaso to ask you: can I offer spiritual encouragement to you?"

None of Jonawiku's acquaintances among warriors, laborers and officials had ever seen him weep. Right now, however, he wept uncontrollably in Mukuma's presence. The elderly widow hovered near, not yet feeling that she ought to touch him. At last the mighty archer mopped his eyes and found words.

"You speak of Haruyaso as a LIVING God, not as the ocean of oblivion or the great circle of karma. I want 'it' to be a Him. I want a Creator Who notices that we exist, Who REMEMBERS our names."

Mukuma clasped one of the ronin's hands with both of his. "He both remembers us, and CONTINUES our existence. I know that I will see my husband again, when I enter Haruyaso's kingdom."
 
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At this point, one of the elder warriors who had carried the Shogun's litter approached. Mukuma noticed that, being behind Jonawiku, the older man stopped four paces away and spoke before drawing any closer. The widow felt certain that the ronin already knew his companion was there.

"Brother Jonawiku, may I join you?"

"Of course, Nefekor. Sister Mukuma, Field-Guide Nefekor has paid me the respect of having his daughters learn archery from me. Nefekor, do you have any urgent news to tell?"

"Not at the moment. I have a question for the merchant lady, and I swear upon my sword that this is not meant in any way hostile to herself."

Mukuma nodded. "I accept your assurance as truthful, Field-Guide. What is your concern?"

"It pertains to your spiritual path. We of Samplibam have heard a little about this on occasion. Some of its adherents call it 'Krissa-Channity.' We hear that you propose to translate its holy book into our language. No less a being than the Colorless Quetzalcoatl speaks favorably of Krissa-Channity, but one fact bothers me." He exchanged a glance with Jonawiku, who nodded as if granting permission. The older man continued:

"Some of the Silnarpian air-sailors whose coming here brought calamity..... professed to be Krissa-Channity disciples. In fact, ALL of the ones who were directly guilty in the slaying of Jonawiku's wife wore the cross emblem of that creed."

Mukuma grasped one of Nefekor's hands, exactly as she had done with the ronin. "The Lord Ishwa, also known as Yeshua or Jesus, warned His disciples that there would always be deceivers, like predators pretending to be domestic beasts. The men who committed that crime which Brother Jonawiku avenged were like those deceitful predators. Upon their death, you may be sure that Ishwa told them, 'I never knew you; go to your punishment!' Spirits of evil greatly desire to discredit Krissa-Channity, by making people believe that the deceivers ARE TYPICAL of the faith. The Towermen, whose founder was a Krissa-Channity disciple, are bound by oath NEVER to do unjust violence."

Jonawiku gave Nefekor a friendly pat on the shoulder. "You are entirely right to be on guard against cunning subversions; but the honorable widow here clearly promotes only that which she has cause to consider true and useful."

"Thank you, Jonawiku. Nefekor, the brave archer and I were speaking about the view of life after death in Samplibami tradition."

Nefekor suddenly beamed, patting the ronin's shoulder in return. "Then can I assume that he has told you how much he rejoices that Shufiro merged with the universe? What a comfort it is for him to meet her in every leaf, every pebble, every sunrise?"

"Never to be forgotten," Jonawiku murmured, managing to satisfy his friend.
 
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As soon as the field-guide (equivalent of a sergeant) rejoined his fellow litter-bearers to do something or other, Jonawiku leaned closer to Mukuma. "Nefekor means well, but he never saw me weeping..... and he has never loved as I have loved. I believe you will understand me when I say that 'the universe' is no consolation for my loss."

"I do understand. Bark on a tree is not my husband; a dog sniffing at garbage is not my husband; magnificent clouds at sunset are not my husband; even my children are not my husband. 'The universe' does not REPLY to me when I speak; it just sort of sits there, being the universe."

Now it was Jonawiku who clasped Mukuma's hands. "Yes! You understand! If I want one cone on a spruce tree to 'be' my Shufiro, what if some woman wants the same spruce cone to be her kindly uncle who died before his time? Or if a little boy wants the same cone to be a grandmother whom he never met?"

Mukuma kissed the young man's cheek. "Yes, yes. 'The universe' never took me on boat rides. I never heard 'the universe' asking my opinion about where to build our new house. 'The universe' never weeded our vegetable garden before breakfast." Pausing, she drew herself up. "I know that, long ago, the Samplibami people believed in a PERSONAL Creator: Someone Who WAS NOT the universe, but Who MADE the universe. A Creator Who existed before anything else did-- and Who still WOULD exist if the universe were destroyed."

"Haruyaso, the Never-Dying Giver of Life."

Now Mukuma hugged him.

"The Holy Book which I carry, compiled on the first world humans ever walked on, is the most reliable written record available to mortals of the actions of Him Whom you named Haruyaso. I don't know why He did not SOONER disseminate His written Word around Punksteema; but I firmly believe that if the Samplibami can get back to regarding Him as a living, thinking Being, then we can reasonably say that you ALREADY WERE worshiping the true God, merely with a limited knowledge which was not your fault."

The ronin sighed. "Where does this put my Shufiro?"

"Ishwa, during His mortal existence on the First World, said that He would draw ALL human beings to Him. And one of Ishwa's leading disciples wrote that Haruyaso was not willing for ANYONE to perish eternally. Free will means that foolish people can disastrously REFUSE to accept the Creator's grace, but all are given a fair chance to respond rightly in their hearts. Therefore, my spirit believes that your wife IS awaiting you on the other side."
 
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>>> Resuming the Mandalorian-takeoff plot arc........

Bulky Tanya and her followers had been frustrated in their quest for the Dimsaber, but had suddenly been offered a different quest to prosecute. On Yakketyvin, an inhabitable but unpeopled world, they had stumbled upon the young Fuss up-sider Fizzra Teenybopper. He had given them a portable artifact called a Harmonicron, which could locate new Fuss users. Fizzra had already been scanning space with it.

Master Yoga-Rug, projecting his image, had given them added guidance, letting them know that the Janitors of the Universe could transport them to the two Earth-variants where two new Fuss up-siders --initially sensed by Fizzra, and already known to my readers-- lived. On "Jersey Earth," The Fuss had come upon a man already experienced in defeating evil: police detective Trace Dickey, whose wife Bess also had received special powers from a different source. The Fuss novice on "Mediumgard Earth" was Oliver Hackman: a man with a far less adventurous history than Commandant Dickey, but a man with wisdom and integrity.

These two Earth-variants knew of each other's existence, and the humans of both worlds had experience meeting extraterrestrials. Therefore, neither iteration of humanity was about to be terrified by the sight of the Fetlockers (resembling Sebulba in "Phantom Menace") who were working with the Banjolorians, nor by the sight of the hopper-dwarf Yovord from Planet Kummanokkin.

The four ships of Tanya's task force-- Drilpret's unpronounceable-for-humanoids freighter, its little companion the Junkpile captained by Fetlocker female Sipkrib, Tanya's own ship the Tantrum, and the Expendable owned by the semi-retired Banjolorian Frazmick Semtur of Moxibox Two-- stayed together. Boosted by the awesome power of the Janitors of the Universe, they headed first for Jersey Earth, to introduce themselves to Trace Dickey.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

At the headquarters of the New Jersey State Police, The Fuss told Commandant Dickey that a super-being was approaching, without harmful intentions. Walking out the entrance, he saw state troopers and passers-by looking up. The gleaming figure who was calmly descending was the pretty-much-immortal Slightray, servant of King Highfyver on Planet New Laziness.

"Trace Dickey, my sovereign sent me to do a routine checkup on your planet. I find that conditions here seem tranquil enough. Allow me, therefore, to tell you that other, unrelated visitors are enroute here. They come from that sub-reality where The Fuss, which empowers you, is prevalent. Unlike our Heart Sapphires, these newcomers are driven by selfish ambitions of their own. If your Green Flashlight friend is nearby, I suggest that you have him stand by when Bulky Tanya approaches you. I owe you no more than this advice-- not after you were so ungrateful to the Sapphire Sisters."

Slightray shot off into space before Trace could remind him of how the Heart Sapphires had diverted millions of people away from productive occupations and horribly damaged the planet's commercial and industrial infrastructure. As if to back her husband's play when the next visitors landed, Bess Dickey (herself now possessing Sapphire powers, without having fallen prey to their lunacy) flew over to headquarters. A moment later, they heard from Green Flashlight John Stewmeat: he had spotted four starships entering the solar system. John's purple-skinned Heart Sapphire wife Nolarivu also came, bringing with her the Dickeys' friend Sharon Rockwell, who had acquired super-speed. So all available metahumans of Jersey Earth were gathered.

Establishing comms through his Flashlight prosthesis, John directed the four ships to the nearest location where they could touch down without harming anyone or anything. Emerging from the Tantrum, Bulky Tanya displayed the Harmonicron. "Greetings, fellow humans of different stock! I am Bulky Tanya, aspirant for the leadership of the Banjolorian people. My people are in the process of improving our diplomatic ties with users of The Fuss. One of you, named Trace Dickey, is a recently-awakened Fuss up-sider; and the device I carry hints ambiguously at a second Fuss user."

Trace told her, "I am that established up-sider, one who can wield The Fuss without needing a ring to focus it. As for an uncertain second Fuss adept, the fair-haired woman standing near my wife is our friend Sharon Rockwell. She received new powers around the same time as Bess and I did. The Fuss is as good an explanation as I can guess for why Sharon gained power; but her powers are so different from mine, that I can't say for sure."

Sharon herself explained further: "I am an emergency responder in our civilization. I was gifted with advantages relating to my work. I am immune to burning, and I can extinguish flames, even with a magnesium fire. Of wider utility is my 'Quickness Force'-- as the Green Flashlights name it. Here, let me demonstrate....."

The Dickey children were all present. Sharon had them stand at corners of a triangle, a hundred yards apart. Each held a small stone. At Sharon's cue, the children tossed their stones up. Not one stone struck pavement before Sharon had grabbed them all out of the air.

"There you are. I call this full disclosure. But I believe that you mainly wish to speak with my friend Commandant Dickey."
 
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Handing all of her weapons over to the Moxiboxan girl Peeluva (one of the five young people in the expedition who had learned shooting from Frazmick Semtur), Tanya approached Trace.

No one had told the would-be queen about Trace's most distinct Fuss talent. She had no intention of lying to the Earthman; but without actually saying "I command you," Trace did say to her, "You will answer every question truthfully, to the best of your knowledge."

"Of course I will, Commandant."

"I see sense in the Up-Side Fraternity giving you an opportunity to earn their good will; but is there any special reason why none of them came with you?"

"The one reason I'm aware of, and IT makes sense, is because the up-siders have plenty on their plate now. Not only do they have the Empire of Evil Badness to contend with, but they are also assisting good-aligned galactic powers, such as the 'Human Federation' and the 'Bubblewrap Coalition.' In addition, they are lately investigating a treasonous attempt, on Planet Kantpoo, to disrupt and subvert the important Spacewalker family. Compared to those matters, my party's visit to you, although I expect good things from it, is merely an administrative task."

Trace's eyes narrowed slightly. "Administering what?"

"Maybe 'facilitating' is a better word. In anticipation of possible emergencies which might bring up-side adepts hastening to your aid, it will help matters for you to know more about their history. Some non-humanoids, collectively named Fetlockers, who are part of my expedition, enjoy extensive data-management skills. I invite you now to prove your own open-mindedness by welcoming them."

Trace gestured at John. "The Flashlight Corps has initiated our Earth into hosting non-human visitors. Your Fetlockers could not be any more unfamiliar to our eyes than Green Flashlights Poradsimu, Gramsuli, Twishdok, Jamsorvad and Zuha-Zuzob were."

Soon Drilpret and Sipkrib approached Trace Dickey, walking on their hands and carrying devices with their feet.

Tanya told the humans before her, "If you will grant these two persons access to one of your computers, one which does not store any data that you want to keep secret, they will go to work to devise compatibility with our data system. Then they can download for you a rudimentary history of galactic civilizations, and biographies of noble Fuss masters, like Mopey-One Kanoli, Quite-A-Guy Jim, and Nonsmoka Tiptoe."

Bess answered for her husband: "They have a couple of desktop models you could use for the interfacing."

While Drilpret was telling more about how the compatability process would proceed, Tanya's man Curdle came over from the Junkpile. "Mistress Tanya, we must inquire of our new friends about their available selections of conductive metals. My ship's electrical circuitry is showing some dangerous weak points."

Nolarivu stepped up to address Curdle. "One special talent we Sapphire Sisters enjoy is molecular transformation. These law enforcers can obtain some scrap metal for you, and I can change it into whatever kind of metal will work best for your circuitry."

Curdle beamed. "Excellent! I have the means to heat this metal, then extrude it as wire."

While Nolarivu and some of the state troopers were assisting Curdle, Trace Dickey raised a new question to Tanya. "My world owes a deep debt of gratitude to a large number of off-world heroes, who came here voluntarily and reduced the damage done to us by well-meaning but foolish meddlers. It is only right that I, and other Earthlings who have gained special abilities, should be equally willing to help others in difficulty. Still, advance notice is desirable. ARE we going to be asked to go and help other worlds?"

"Never coerced, but they do ask you to go meet a certain Oliver Hackman on the same Earth-variant where your so-called 'Cosmic Fact Checkers' went. Mister Hackman has also received The Fuss.We can transport you to that star system, one which has been visited by a Fuss master before. Beyond this, I am not authorized to say whether another such request will be made soon. Fuss wielders will make overtures if the need arises; and you, Commandant Dickey, are the person most likely to hear from them."
 
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Lashrook, the especially tall Banjolorian who had been riding aboard the big freighter, came over to the troopers carrying his rocket launcher in a down-pointed attitude. With language aid extended to him, he said to some of the policemen:

"Unlike some of our weapons and other gear, this launcher is almost certainly very similar to corresponding weapons made on your world. Might you have an armorer who can assess my ordnance, the way our Fetlockers are comparing computers?" Several troopers agreed to examine the launcher and a sample rocket.

Meanwhile, Tanya's sister-at-arms Toonic Sleave, with her brothers Patchy and Shorty, learned from some other state police officers that some video existed from the first week or so of the Heart Sapphires' campaign to make humanity dependent on them. Joined by the Kummanokinite hopper-dwarf Yovord (who didn't look very strange to Earthlings after seeing the Fetlockers), and by Vin Gasleen, they watched almost a full hour's worth.

Vin in particular, who had worked blue-collar jobs for many years on and off, was appalled to see how easily so many of his fellow human beings were drawn in by the promise of an easy life. He muttered to Toonic, "I'm so glad that those deranged women haven't made inroads on the Republic of Lots of Worlds."

"Not yet," the Banjolorian woman replied. "But the Republic doubtless is less vulnerable to that influence because it has more labor-saving technology than these Earth-versions appear to have."

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Most of Tanya's force remained on Jersey Earth, continuing to exchange knowledge with Trace Dickey and others. Only Tanya, Morose, Lariat, Curdle, Peeluva, and one Fetlocker crewman called Chipdod, made the trip on board the Tantrum. The home system of Mediumgard Earth had far more superheroes, without even counting visitors, so the Banjolorians need not worry about running into any super-villains. John Stewmeat flew alongside them on his own power, to lend his prestige as a Green Flashlight.

Shortly after they emerged from hyperspace outside Mediumgard's home system, John was met by King Garryowen's magic birds Ignore-It and Forget-It. Forget-It transmitted pure thought through John's prosthesis: King Garryowen requests that you first pay a short visit to Hallpasscard. Ignore-It added: Our King, in turn, will notify The Revengists of your arrival.

John and the Banjolorian contingent complied. At the Dentfloss bridgehead, they were first greeted by Timekall Bridgekeeper and Ballwun the Uncommonly Decent. John had told the Banjolorians a few essentials about the human-like Hallpasscardians, including a description of the war hammer Oatmealnir. The last part had caused Tanya to remark to her men in their native language, "That's rather like MY Dimsaber."

Now, being greeted by Ballwun while Timekall spoke with John, Tanya stepped up close to Thorpe's close friend. "Begging your pardon, because I am on a quest to prove my own worthiness among my own people, may I be permitted to attempt grasping your prince's totemic weapon?"

Ballwun slightly nodded. "Since I was permitted to take that test, why should I not allow the same to another? Just be sure to take a well balanced stance when you try it." One of the nearby warriors brought several heavy fur cloaks, and piled them up for the visitor to stand on. When the warrior lady was ready, Ballwun extended Oatmealnir handle first. Tanya took a breath and closed both hands around the haft.

As soon as Ballwun let go, Tanya and the hammer dropped onto the cushioned pavement with a WHUMP.

John formed a soundproof sphere around himself and the embarrassed chieftainess, then said: "If you dare to suggest that someone tricked you to make you look bad, you will forfeit all further support from the Janitors of the Universe."

"And I would deserve it," Tanya sighed.

Even Green Flashlight energy had been unable to block Timekall's hearing. He knelt close to Tanya, and-- to her startlement-- addressed her in an obscure language that she knew, but which no one in the Mediumgard system should have known. "Even Thundermaster Thorpe, as a youth less than two hundred years old, needed ten attempts before he could wield Oatmealnir. Honest acceptance of limitations is no disgrace to you, quite the contrary."

Morose, Lariat and Curdle all had a certain thought, independently of each other: I should ask to take the same test, so that when I also fail, Tanya won't feel so humiliated. An instant later, they also all had this followup thought: No, I shouldn't. The Hallpasscardians, if not Tanya herself, would infer that I was trying to come out of her shadow and gain renown at her expense. Forget it. The Moxiboxan girl Peeluva had similar thoughts.

So Bulky Tanya's loyal stooges, and her newest human hero-worshiper, held their peace, and remained background characters. Once Tanya had dusted herself off, everyone proceeded toward the royal palace. Various prominent Hallpasscardians who had appeared in early chapters of our serial welcomed them cordially, and emphasized making Chipdod the Fetlocker feel at home.
 
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King Garryowen and Queen Sprigga already knew a good deal about the Star Wars-related sub-reality, including the Spaceballs-related part. Neither of them, however, knew anything about the Fetlockers. Chipdod found himself in a friendly spotlight, eagerly listened to as he described the life-forms of his native world. As the readers may have guessed, there were various animals on Fetlock which also featured the odd arms-for-legs configuration. Once Chipdod had given enough information about his native star system, Timekall was able to reach out in that direction with his mind, and generate visuals of Planet Fetlock for everyone to see.

The Revengists on the local Earth-variant received a courtesy notification. Plaque Panther assured the Hallpasscardians that he would make sure everyone who belonged back on Jersey Earth was made ready to be transported home. When the Dentist King spoke also about the separate matter of Mediumgarder children turning into low-powered vampiroids, this prompted Lady Sniff to tell the guests about her helping to control a Chinese girl who had been changed in this way.

Paden Glumm, the super-powered President of the United States, got in touch with Oliver Hackman, a citizen of HIS United States, asking and receiving Oliver's consent to be teleported up to Hallpasscard. There Bulky Tanya would give him a broad explanation of how Fuss up-siders interacted with everybody else in the Republic of Lots of Worlds. At one point, Oliver asked her, "Will Master Kanoli come to our Earth again, since he's already known here?"

"He might, but I can't answer for him. I do know that he got married to a Fuss-using woman who had changed from evil to good; so if he does come here again, you'll get two for one."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Meanwhile, in the Armenia of Mediumgard Earth, Lowerkey the good-aligned Loki-equivalent, still accompanied by the Hallpasscardian physician Welbymark, had captured one more semi-vampire, a teenage girl named Tamara Katchaturian. Living in the suburbs of Yerevan, Tamara had suddenly tried to chew open the throat of the sixty-year-old woman who taught her algebra class. It had taken the two strongest boys in the classroom-- fortunately reacting fast enough to prevent grave harm to the old woman-- to pry Tamara off her victim. The crazed girl had not stopped fighting them until they slammed her head three times, hard, on the tiled floor.

Doctor Welbymark was widely respected by the medical community on this Earth, so the nearest hospital extended full cooperation to the two Hallpasscardians. As they were studying the girl's brain, they were joined by Crimson Witch and Eyesight.

"Good timing, Crimson!" Lowerkey exclaimed. "If you think you can pick apart the enchantment on this girl-- it feels more powerful than previous ones-- I'll exert my own mystic energy to reinforce you, while Welbymark maintains comprehensive scanning of the effects."

Half an hour later, Crimson Witch turned to address her husband the free-willed android. "We're making progress against the possession, but it can't just be exorcised like that, because the girl CONSENTED to the evil invading her soul. The Queen of the Goshdarned approached her without disguise, and offered to let Tamara be some sort of avatar for her. The stupid girl was delighted by the idea!"

Welbymark interjected, "This proves that being pretty and charismatic on the outside, doesn't make anyone a good person in reality."

Crimson continued, "We need reinforcements. I'll have the hospital chaplain organize ministers to reinforce us with prayer. I'll ask you to go find two men who can be especially helpful here--"

Eyesight partly anticipated her. "The new good-aligned magic-user from the Canada of that other Earth, Roger Tree Root. And the other?"

"The very most pure-hearted, clean-minded and virtuous man on our Earth: Colonel Steve Rusher."

With a nod, Eyesight went immaterial, and passed through the center of the Earth to fetch Colonel America and the Algonquin Medicine Man. Once he had found both of them, he signalled Timekall on Hallpasscard with a request to teleport all three of them to the Armenian capital. This way, Mister Tree Root need not waste a spell teleporting himself and the Colonel. He had already used one of his daily magic charges today, preventing a train from killing a careless motorist at a crossing. Arriving at the hospital where the ensorcelled Tamara was detained, Roger would have three more spells to offer.

Since Lowerkey had a gut feeling that this would be a turning point, he asked Thorpe to come down as reinforcements. Thorpe did so, accompanied by his Warriors Four: Sniff, Hoodunnit, Fratbro and Vastbulk. And the last two had no intention of being suckers for spikes flung by any she-demon. Bulky Tanya and company asked to come along also.

Thorpe flew a supersonic side trip to Wonkabara, to pick up Freddy Rubusana. The Xhosa boy from South Africa had been the first child vampirized by Queen of the Goshdarned, back when it was not yet clear that the vampirizing was independent from Drigum Namdre's deceptive work. Freddy's brainwaves, now that he had absolutely repudiated the sick fantasy, might actually be usable as a psionic weapon against the vile Queen. Eyesight had built a plotline-convenient one-way thought-transmitter, which he could use without diverting the regular magic-users. It had a safety gap, like the air gap in an electric transformer, so that no counter-force aimed at the android should be able to enter the boy's head.

"I don't care if there IS a risk to me," declared Freddy. "That monster made me kill my poor dog! She WILL be punished for that!"
 
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Suddenly, the long-absent Drigum Namdre materialized in the laboratory space.

"All of you are full of HATE! Self-righteous hypocrites! You are making intolerant distinctions between good and evil! Your judgmental, unforgiving prejudice makes you worse than vampires! You just hate everyone who's different!" Then the apostate monk vanished again, just barely in time to avoid being slain five or six times over.

"Just a distraction!" snapped Hoodunnit. "On task, everyone!"

Roger cast his first spell of the operation: "Let the moral uprightness of Colonel America be added to the other forces of goodness here present. Let no one in our vicinity be subject to corruption, intimidation, or deception!"

Elsewhere, as a fortuitous bit of reinforcement, John Stewmeat was joined by another Green Flashlight, one who has appeared only briefly before now. He had not been on Jersey Earth, but had just now been sent by the Flashlight Corps to assist John. His name was Plabdof; he was shaped like a huge frog, and had red skin. Plabdof had previously been on Planet Anoxia, where he helped Bowsaw, the brother of Bowstring, to get started at learning the Flashlight way. While things were quiet, having been made aware of the Banjolorians' curiosity, Plabdof told them about Anoxia and Alwaysurnia, planets Bulky Tanya had never heard of.

An hour later, news came from Princess Shurthingy that horror-movie sights were developing all around the city of Yerevan, Armenia. King Garryowen was mobilizing the guard force for his own planetoid, in case it might be the real target; but Garryowen all by himself (since recovering from his recent magical illness) was a tough nut to crack, so he could spare a platoon of superhuman warriors, led by Ballwun, to reinforce Thorpe.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

In the Iowa of Mediumgard, Shelley and Lance Heflin were serving prison time for their many acts of theft. The guards were talking nervously among themselves about the rumors that something like the past invasion by Titan Flatnose was happening. In the men's area, Lance took the news apathetically; his life was already ruined. But Shelley, in the women's section, pressed the heel of one hand against her forehead, where her power gem had once adhered.

"Universal Spirit of Oneness, please intervene! Please come to the rescue, and set us free from the patriarchal spirit of greedy business corporations! Revive the Distribution Dance, and establish the administration of a new Sapphire Sisterhood!"

Nothing happened. The evil spirits had no more use for the Heflins; there were bigger fish to fry. The Cosmic Fact Checkers had eroded morality in this solar system's iteration of the human race; and the Queen of the Goshdarned had eroded many people's belief in divine justice by producing vampires, albeit rather feeble vampires. Now a new assault was drawing near.
 
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With two spells left for the day, Roger Tree Root used one for the benefit of his new friend Oliver, giving him lightsaber skill equal to a Jedi-equivalent of at least three years' combat experience. The last spell of the day benefited the two Green Flashlights, who had both been awake for at least nineteen hours: in a matter of minutes, it made John and Plabdof's physical state just as if they had eaten well and then had slept for eleven hours each. This would facilitate the two Flashlights performing as a vital reserve. John and Plabdof would fly a random pattern in space, ready to react wherever an evil attack struck.

Masha "Bright Window" Rusher was transported some way or other to where her husband Colonel America was on alert, because literary appropriateness. Once introduced, Bulky Tanya gave Bright Window a pair of rayguns from Tantrum's arms locker, to up her shooting game. Learning that Roger Tree Root was out of magic for the present, but was an expert hunter, Tanya gave him a high-powered semi- automatic bullet-rifle, this being the item in her arms locker best suitable for the Algonquin brave's use.

Crimson Witch put a spell on this gun, such that bullets fired from it would be able to wound if not slay demonic beings.

This much was all anyone had time to do, before an extremely icky-looking dimensional portal opened, and the Queen of the Goshdarned, currently nine feet tall, emerged, grinning with hideous fangs. But she was not alone. Right behind her came two things which resembled slightly smaller Balrogs; behind them came the immortal Screendoormammu, who had been looking for some evil stuff to do; and behind HIM came fifty or sixty Pukedemons, who had neither been re-humanized nor destroyed since the downfall of Twerpseid.

With Stormcracker in hand, Thorpe flew head-on at the evil queen, but she dodged quickly, so he took on Screendoormammu. Sniff and Vastbulk together engaged one of the Balrog-like beings, while Hoodunnit and Fratbro tackled the other. Screendoormammu having a fiery head sort of like Atomic Scalp on Urth, Thorpe's long hair caught on fire when he moved close; but the resultant burns were a minor thing to the Thundermaster.

Stationed on a rooftop (not the hospital in his case) , Roger Tree Root put four bullets into Queen of the Goshdarned, who was also taking laser beams from the Banjolorians and Bright Window. These hits could not slay her, but they did cause her enough distress that she back-pedaled and forgot what orders she had been about to give her Pukedemons. Several Pukedemons managed enough initiative to fly toward Roger; but they had no sky-bikes, and had to use their own wings, which didn't give them a very high airspeed. Roger thus had time to kill five of them before he had to take cover.

Re-emerging two floors down from the roof of his building, he slew two more Pukedemons from a fire escape. Then he ducked back inside, changed magazines on his weapon, and killed one more monster that attempted to overtake him inside.

Meanwhile, Roger's magical boost to the two Green Flashlights proved to have been a good move. A portal in space released what seemed to be corporeal creatures which could live in vacuum like Burpgills. These things had long barbed tentacles. John Stewmeat and Plabdof needed all the fresh vigor they had been given. The space octopi or whatever they were, were not immune to Green Flashlight energy, but had lots and lots of hit-points. What ensued was like a war of attrition: the Flashlights shot and evaded, shot and evaded, while the monsters went on trying to get within grabbing range.

Back in the Armenian capital, two rank-and-file (but formidable) Hallpasscardian soldiers were protecting the room where Tamara was being worked on. Three more were dashing here and there inside the building, to intercept any break-ins from outside. The hospital having hundreds of potential entry points, Oliver Hackman was in there doing the same. His Fuss awareness helped him to cover locations his three allies WEREN'T currently near to. Deadly serpents conjured by the undead queen were getting inside, but these were not weapon-proof. Local police officers, having caught on to looking for unguarded entrances, shot and killed some of the snakes; the independently scouting Hallpasscardians killed others; the two guarding Tamara also scored kills; and Oliver quickly got the hang of slicing and dicing the reptiles with his new ring-generated lightsaber.

Six nurses and orderlies met heroic deaths defending helpless patients. But they all went to The Good Place; and the serpents did not long outlive them.
 
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The Banjolorians were using their jet packs to evade attacks by their demonic foe. Tanya, for whom it was natural to lead from the front, repeatedly flew close to the fiend's face, firing directly into her eyes to confuse her. It was also natural for Tanya to keep an watching other parts of a battle, so she had hopes that one or both of the Discount-Store Balrogs would soon go down, freeing high-caliber Hallpasscardians to help against the Queen.

Her hope was rewarded, as Hoodunnit's great axe and Fratbro's long sword finished off their antagonist. Not needing to be prompted, these two friends of Thorpe, despite both being wounded, sprinted to reinforce the Banjolorians.

Now finding herself more seriously threatened, Queen of the Goshdarned uttered a harsh, eerie cry: summoning her own reinforcements. The dimensional portal erupted with creatures resembling pterodactyls, and these were followed by a being very similar to the Queen. The new arrival didn't have the talent of creating vampires (note that the Queen could produce REAL vampires, though it took more effort than merely corrupting still-human children); but in the short term, she brought a game-changer. As with Saruman in "Lord of the Rings," she could work mischief with her voice.

"I am the mighty Pheebwallabrish! I am the supreme pinnacle of goddess-power, and I come to liberate my sisters from bondage! Let everyone male now kneel down in shame, because everything is your fault!"

Entranced for the moment by the new demon's voice, Bulky Tanya failed to see the irony in Pheebwallabrish offering to "liberate" HER, an aspiring monarch. Even Masha Rusher, wife of Colonel America, briefly felt as if somehow her loving husband WERE oppressing her. And all men within hearing who were not superheroes felt, at least momentarily, that somehow they must be guilty of unrecognized micro-aggressions.

Tragically, Tanya's three closest followers were completely unready to resist this unusual attack form. As one man, Morose, Lariat and Curdle knelt with lowered heads, and recited as one man: "We confess that we are guilty of disrespecting Bulky Tanya by obeying her. It was horribly misogynist of us to behave as if a WOMAN could ever need OUR help for anything." Many nearby Armenian policemen were affected similarly-- and didn't even defend themselves as the winged reptiles who accompanied Pheebwallabrish descended and slew them.

Morose, Lariat and Curdle were stomped on by Pheebwallabrish herself. Only when she saw her liegemen's corpses did Tanya shake off the spell. Screaming with horror and grief, and flying recklessly at Pheebwallabrish, she held a knife extended before her. The knife did little damage, and Tanya tumbled to the pavement. Peeluva charged to Tanya's aid, shooting as she came. Chipdod was of no help, since he still was apologizing to empty air for his wicked sin of not worshiping all female Fetlockers as goddesses.

Fortunately for them, Hallpasscardian men could not be filled with shame, nor Hallpasscardian women be intoxicated with narcissism, by Pheebwallabrish's voice. Lady Sniff and Vastbulk had finished off their Balrog-ripoff, and they now charged against the immortal deceiver.

Thorpe, meanwhile, still was battling Screendoormammu, who was NOT a pushover.
 
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Up in outer space, John Stewmeat and the red-skinned Plabdof were finding that the vacuum-living tentacled monsters were getting reinforcements faster than the two Green Flashlights could kill them. They signaled Hallpasscard to this effect, only to hear that similar monsters were also attacking Garryowen's realm. But the father of Thorpe had a sleeve card to resort to: a subspace link to Jumpstard in Galaxy Three.

Minutes later, dog-headed Jumpstardean troops used their counterpart of the Dentfloss to come to Hallpasscard's aid. And no less than Bakerstray Bill appeared close to John and Plabdof, slaying enough more space monsters to turn the tide in the orbital engagement.

Once the tentacled things were definitely on the run, John asked Plabdof to stay aloft and watch out for any new onslaught there, while he and Bill descended. John and Bill first answered a call from the White House in Mediumgard's Washington DC. The super-strong President Glumm, and regular soldiers joined by superheroine Hornette, were standing off an attack by pterodactyloids and a few remaining Pukedemons. Once this attack was foiled, John and Bill moved on to join the Earthside action.

They were needed in Wonkabara, because it was now also under assault by unfamiliar monsters, presumably on loan from other story-realities. Plaque Panther and Bleeder the Vampire Killer were at the forefront of the defense. John used his energy to create barriers which hampered the movements of the attacking creatures. Thus the aggressors could be defeated in detail. Bill identified the largest and most lethal of the monsters (think a quarter-size Godzilla), and slugged it out against this one. Fire-breath scorched the Jumpstardean's hide; but since the monster was not a reasoning being, he drove his spear through its heart, cut its neck with his sword, and split its head with his axe.

Bill and John had done enough so that the Wonkabarans could handle the rest of these monsters. A squad of Bill's followers came down from Hallpasscard with species-appropriate first-aid kits. Once Bill was out of danger, his fellow dog-heads went with him and John to counter yet another menace. Mongolia was being invaded by things like giant winged wolves. Coordinating with jet squadrons from both Russia and China, and joined by Plabdof who wasn't seeing any more space monsters in orbit, they crashed into the demonic wolfpack.

Once he could be spared from other duties, Thorpe's pal Ballwun brought a squad of Hallpasscardian warriors to Yerevan. With Oatmealnir's lightning bolts shattering opposition, Ballwun ensured that any remaining foes-- apart from the "big three" still active-- were falling back in fear.
Crimson Witch, Eyesight, Lowerkey and Welbymark still had to keep up their special task, to turn the big picture around.

" " " " " " " " " " " " " " "

All over Mediumgard Earth, even though super-powered evildoers were losing ground, the subtler evil still was at work. The intangible influence which had encouraged the delusions of Jersey Earth's "Cosmic Fact Checkers," the same influence which had allowed Shelley Heflin to deceive herself that she was allowed to steal from her daughter Adelaide, still was poisoning weak minds.

Married persons were being induced to feel that they had a right to mistreat their spouses; workers were being induced to feel that they had a right to steal from their employers; followers of traditional religions were being subtly urged to promote whatever practices were THE WORST parts of their belief systems. And lovers of sci-fi and fantasy literature were being nudged to believe that brave, selfless heroes--- were "boring."

While combined forces (now joined by Oliver Hackman) waged street combat against relatively-small monsters in the capital of Armenia; while the Warriors Four and the Banjolorian contingent battled Queen of the Goshdarned and Pheebwallabrish; and while Thorpe singlehandedly kept up his fight against Screendoormammu; Crimson Witch, Lowerkey and others were toiling mystically to forge a metaphysical weapon. The dauntless goodness of Colonel America, the most pure-hearted man on Mediumgard Earth, was being alloyed with the grief and contrition of a Xhosa boy named Freddy Rubusana.

Before the intangible super-weapon could be triggered, a tangible victory emerged close at hand. Thorpe cut Screendoormammu in half with Stormcracker; Ballwun smashed the head of the Queen of the Goshdarned with Oatmealnir; and Sniff ran her sword through the evil heart of Pheebwallabrish, crying, "HOW DARE YOU try to turn us against the men who love us!!!"
 
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As if cloud banks above an airport had suddenly dissipated, enabling an airplane to take off, the way was now open for the minds of Steve Rusher and Freddy Rubusana to leap forth and strike their own mighty blow against poisonous falsehood.

All of a sudden, every electronic communication on Mediumgard Earth whose interruption WOULDN'T cause harm to anyone, was pre-empted, and people everywhere heard the new message (or saw it printed out) in their own language. (The vast scale of this technologically-assisted enchantment was the reason why Crimson Witch and those working with her had needed to put in so much time and effort.) What people everywhere heard was two voices talking in exact unison, a man and a boy.

"People of the Earth, hear this message. During this year, many of you have witnessed the disruptive effects of deception and SELF-deception. Some of the damage was done by meddlers from an alternate Earth, and some was done by people native to our own Earth. Honest persons from outside our solar system are striving to help remedy the harm, so do not suppose that all people alien to our solar system are troublemakers. Place of birth is not what determines personal merit.

"One of the culprits native to our Earth is a former Tibetan monk who betrayed his Buddhist principles. One of the culprits originating OUTSIDE of our space was an evil being who wanted young people to desire to be predatory monsters. That being has just now been slain as she deserved, but the evil she represented persists.

"The truth which ought to have always been obvious, needs to be re-learned.

"Integrity and loyalty are superior to treachery and arrogance. Selfish greed is wrong, but constructive ambition is not necessarily selfishness. Many crooked persons have become wealthy, but having wealth is not in itself a crime. Imagination is not a bad thing, but no one has a right to accuse others of 'hate' merely for NOT agreeing that a made-up fantasy is factually true."

There was more along the same lines; and very soon after the portion which has been reproduced, a third voice joined the first two. With the addition of the now-cured girl Tamara, they began emphasizing the fact that, while role-playing was not necessarily bad, SERIOUSLY fantasizing about being a monster who could murder people and avoid being punished for it, was dishonorable. The deep-rooted virtue of Colonel America gave weight and power to the message. After another ten minutes of sharing wisdom, the three voices concluded with the immortal words of Original Earth cartoonist Al Capp:

"GOOD IS BETTER THAN EVIL, BECAUSE IT'S NICER."
 
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The winged wolves' attack on Mongolia was the last threat eliminated; this might be anticlimactic, but it was necessary. Chinese authorities being involved in this, and realizing that THEIR OWN agent Drigum Namdre had been associated with the alien foes, they did some sober thinking afterward. The administration in Beijing would behave more cordially toward the West in the future.

Drigum was able to escape off-world with some of the surviving invaders. There was nothing left for him on Mediumgard anymore, and he carried with him a lasting frustration over not having been able to ruin civilization on his native planet. There was, however, some consolation to be taken from having ruined the lives of Lance and Shelley Heflin.

Bakerstray Bill did not head back to his own galaxy until after he gave talks at numerous universities in various nations on Mediumgard. Students and faculty, already familiar with the existence of alien races, were prepared to ask the visiting hero relevant questions. All highly educational, but it was also reassuring to be reminded that SOME powerful aliens (besides the already-familiar Hallpasscardians, whom the students admired and respected) were on the side of good. Green Flashlight Plabdof made several similar speaking appearances, before he said his farewells and flew back to Planet Wawa.

In Yerevan, Armenia, there was a large orphanage. During the recent battle for the city, before Pheebwallabrish arrived, Morose, Lariat, Curdle and Peeluva had given protective cover for evacuation of the orphans and the orphanage staff. Many of those orphans who had no relatives to care about them, and who were sincerely grateful to their defenders, asked to meet with Bulky Tanya. On her side, the would-be leader of Banjolorians was more than glad to hear her subordinates being praised and honored, and she gladly agreed to a meeting. The subject of some orphans becoming Banjolorians came up. Since they had their own starship, Tanya, Peeluva and Chipdod could linger on Mediumgard long enough to let the matter be carried through.

Learning about this interaction, King Garryowen came in person to Yerevan to join the discussion. The King of Hallpasscard naturally enjoyed great prestige on Mediumgard, so his clearly-expressed approval of the Banjolorians would carry weight. He offered to facilitate interstellar travel for any orphans joining Tanya (in case there were more volunteers than the Tantrum could accommodate), and even to bring any children back to Mediumgard's Armenia who didn't work out as cadets. Timekall Bridgekeeper would be able to monitor that business.

The rest of Tanya's questing comrades were still standing by on Jersey Earth. Garryowen's offer of aid proved necessary, since a total of twenty-six Armenian orphans over the age of eleven had signed on with Bulky Tanya. The Dentfloss cosmic bridge would deliver the kids to Jersey Earth safely, after which there would be FOUR hulls to carry the new cadets into the Republic of Lots of Worlds.

The Algonquin magic-user, who kept his new rifle, was not at all confident that his own spells could transport him to his own Earth. So he would also avail himself of the Dentfloss. Before leaving Mediumgard, he did cast spells within his ability. These were to give a gift to Freddy and Tamara: each would henceforth be able to communicate across language barriers. This would enable them to share with others the wisdom they had gained.

So all was well with Mediumgard for the foreseeable future. As for Bulky Tanya, the loss of her faithful gunmen sobered her considerably, but knowing the impression their valor had made gave some solace.

Many more days would pass before, to her own surprise, Tanya realized that she had gone a LONG time without once thinking about wanting to possess the Dimsaber.
 
We now return to the probably-Andromeda Galaxy, which contains a malignant variation on the Federation of Planets in "Star Trek." Part of the malignancy is that the "Cosmic Federation" regime has formerly been guilty of conducting a nasty eugenics project on Planet Windaro.

We reverse time a bit from other story arcs, picking up right where the "Blake's Seven" parody left off. Green Flashlight Tong Sao-Tu, native to Jersey Earth in the Milky Way Galaxy, facilitated the fact-finding efforts of the good guys; but I think I had him do something elsewhere after that. Accordingly, to avoid contradictions, I'll say here that Sao-Tu said goodbye to his Second Galaxy friends after the last of his previously-reported actions. What's more, I'm also unsure what I last did with Green Flashlight Jamsorvad, so I'll stay non-committal where he's concerned.

In this plotline, people have been seeking the whereabouts of my version of the main hero in the British TV series "Blake's Seven." Some of the good guys have obtained assistance from Planet Spacebull. Recall that, at the VERY beginning of my saga, my version of Mel Brooks' Planet Space-BALL had a change of government from evil to good. So the "Spacebullies" now meeting with Second Galaxy heroes are good guys......

Two ships, belonging to two separate galaxies, floated side by side. The ship from the Cosmic Federation, called Ramblecart, was carrying forward the mission of Royurbota Quardimo, a human woman with a bit of Dahudoran heredity. Reminder: Dahudorans are similar enough to "true" humans that the two kinds can easily produce viable children together. As established long before this, the human Green Flashlight Parbellik Magta is married to a Dahudoran Heart Sapphire named Luvardra, and they are involved in the current plot arc. Royurbota is partly Dahudoran, whereas her valiant second cousin Lodge Flake is not. Consequently, Lodge and Royurbota are less closely related by blood than would usually be the case for second cousins. It follows that if your author lets them both live to have the opportunity, Lodge and Royurbota can and will get married at last, with NO cause to worry about potential birth defects in their children.

And, unlike the BBC-TV writers who scripted "Blake's Seven," Copperfox DOES NOT cruelly delight in staging miserably unhappy endings.

Where was I? The other ship, named Conciliator, had been dispatched to the outskirts of the Cosmic Federation by Lesha Slater, the enlightened leader who had taken over leadership of Spacebull from the evil Bob Snooze who was now in prison. Captain Rip Tellus had orders to use time-reviewing technology (directly based on Mel Brooks' "Spaceballs") to help Royurbota and other good guys figure out what had become of Lodge Flake after Lodge had escaped from the prison planet Razztazzem Six.

On his homeworld of Madmaksilon, employed then as what amounted to a highway patrol sergeant, Lodge had uncovered clues to the existence of a conspiracy to eradicate representative government in the Cosmic Federation. The conspirators had gotten Lodge arrested and exiled to Razztazzem Six, to silence him. His female colleague (just friends) Jelley Sammitch had been railroaded with him. On the gulag world, another honest-cop type named Tyll Dimlamp had gotten framed for shooting Prison Commandant Wedruhu, a female of the long-armed Ziblamot species. A fourth law-enforcement person, Doctor Diva Mellowmind, the head physician for the colony, had seen through the coverup over Wedruhu's demise, and had helped Lodge, Jelley and Tyll to escape.

The escape had been made possible by unearthing one of those good old ancient alien ships with an artificial intelligence that would cooperate with heroes. Two male convicts named Filtrate and Revlon, who WEREN'T particularly moral, had been brought along due to possessing useful skills. Since the good-aligned folks wanted to see justice and the rule of law prevail, they had named their "borrowed' starship the Litigator. Thanks to the speed and damage-resistance of the alien vessel, the four patriots and two opportunists had over the following months dug out various clues about the plans of the totalitarians on Planet Fussyfrit. Sadly, they could not put the pieces together soon enough to prevent the dumbing-down conspiracy from proceeding.

But their ship's miguffinite-saturated hull had blocked the power of the mind-impairing apparatus hidden in Madmaksilon's star system; so Lodge, Tyll, Revlon and Filtrate had retained their memories and intellect. And while they were that far from home space, they had gained the seventh member of their band: Sally Kipper, a fractional telepath who could only transmit thoughts, not receive them.

As they pursued evidence of Coordinator Scurvylaff's perfidy, Sally had more than once planted suggestions in some official's head, which had caused the official to place classified information media where Filtrate the hacker could copy them. They were building a case against the dictator, despite a failed raid in which Filtrate, the untrustworthy Revlon, and the virtuous Tyll Dimlamp were slain; but their time had run out, and human males in the affected volume of space had changed into-- exactly what malicious feminists had already been claiming all men were.
 
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One thing which Flake's Seven Minus Three had going for them was their having captured evidence that Vernacula had assassinated the woman who had ruled before her, Krazlint Foofwack. But in order for Lodge and Tyll to retain his intellect, they had been obliged to loiter outside Federation territory until the Litigator's artificial intelligence could confirm that the interstellar brainwave-scrambling had ceased.

Lodge's earlier precautionary actions on Madmaksilon had kept Royurbota out of the spotlight, protecting her from getting eliminated. In the "present time" of our story, other possible players on the side of good were the newlyweds Lugwin and Carsala Hestrum. Lugwin had escaped the mental attack because he was far off on a survey mission aboard the star schooner Dodgelightly. Carsala's father, an Umbaderran forest ranger named Taglamso, had gone missing while he investigated the hidden Starhatch on Umbaderro: a portal which apparently had been used to smuggle the evil brain-crippler to Chillworld for setup.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When the disclosures had progressed this far, Tommy Kurasawa. Rip's communications officer, asked, "Weren't there any crusading journalists to expose what Coordinator Scurvylaff was doing?"

Human female Divarsha Mezzomorf, Royurbota's friend, replied, "There weren't any crusading journalists, or none who enjoyed any access to interstellar media. Every large news platform was completely controlled by people who compliantly told the public that anyone questioning the central government was a violent bigot who hated everyone that was different."

Resuming the retroactive-timeline-insertion procedure the group saw Flake's Seven gaining replacements for Filtrate and Revlon. The first was a Dahudoran man called Foylif Krebkon. Copperfox reminds you that Dahudorans, like the Chinese, put a surname before the individual name. Copperfox also reminds you that male Dahudorans have light spotting on their skin ABOVE the waist, but no spots on their faces because that would look yucky. Receiving several telepathic transmissions from Sally Kipper had given Krebkon a clear sense of what a good person she was. Krebkon also being a good person, and intermarriage between humans and Dahudorans being pretty commonplace, the Dahudoran gentleman had soon fallen madly in love with Sally; and she, being unattached, had returned his feelings.

The next crew replacement had been the first not-at-all-humanoid to sign on: a female Shmeehobber (they're the blobby ones who can see in all directions at once) named Hutsut-Rilro. She was known to Wibgug-Bifyok; they had both been on the disabled Shmeehobber spacecraft rescued by the Seven. But after this, Hutsut-Rilro had gotten married to her blobby boyfriend Awk-Awk-Tazood. The newlyweds had later gotten arrested for speaking favorably of Flake's Seven, and had been jailed at separate locations. The replenished ship's company of Litigator had sought, so far without success, to locate and rescue Awk-Awk-Tazood. The six companions tentatively named Awk-Awk the new seventh member.

They had fared better at seizing a prisoner of their own: the crooked Judge Wytebredd of Madmaksilon, who had assisted Vernacula Scurvylaff in recruiting human male criminals and giving them immunity to the brain drain. Sally had tried a unique interrogation method: telepathically shouting directly into Wytebredd's brain for hours, telling him what a creep he was. Wytebredd had finally videocorded a full confession of his role in using the mental-damage crisis to make Federation citizens accept absolute dictatorship. This being accomplished, the Seven had marooned Wytebredd on an uninhabited world, but one where the villain could survive reasonably well.

The past-oscope had brought the viewers up to a point in time a few days AFTER Parbellik and Luvardra entered Federation space. The Litigator had broadcast Wytebredd's confession on dozens of subspace channels. The device could not reveal to Royurbota and company why there was no sign of public reaction to the news; but of course, dictatorial regimes could censor their media. And there was a short scene of Coordinator Scurvylaff talking with her confidante Nimsalur Bokrim, Second Deputy Facilitator of Human Cyborgs. The two women were agreeing that Captain Kactusita of the Peace Commanders, and Chutnykorn the high-ranking cyborg, had grown overly friendly to the Magtas, and they might need to undergo involuntary personality editing, off the record.

Seeing this part alongside the others who had come here on Ramblecart, Chutnykorn snapped, "When black holes turn into swimming pools!"

The only further imagery the device offered was most unsatisfying to Royurbota: a confused scene of the Litigator being attacked by a whole fleet of warships. At least ten of the aggressor ships were annihilated, but the ancient alien ship did suffer some damage in return. Then the presentation ended.
 
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Everyone was mightily frustrated by not learning the fates of Flake's Seven. Suddenly, however, lights began blinking from the robotic parts of Chutnykorn. "Hold on! I recognized some registry marks on destroyers which were shown attacking the Litigator. Back before Vernacula Scurvylaff eliminated Krazlint Foofwack, I had various occasions to process personnel records for officers and enlisted spacers in that same squadron. Time-viewer! Does that information serve to make ME someone connected to events?"

The device answered in the affirmative..... by resuming the battle scene. Storming parties, composed mostly of Arpkevorkians and Ziblamots, breached the alien ship's airlocks; automated anti-intruder weapons killed some of the boarders, but more kept coming. Tell Dimlamp, Jelley Sammitch and Foylif Krebkon were slain, but they each took several foes out with them. Lodge Flake, Diva Mellowmind, the heartbroken Sally Kipper, and Hutsut-Rilro were taken alive; and some of the boarders, talking among themselves, made remarks to the effect that none of the captured heroes would be permitted to die quickly.

The last fragment Chutnykorn was able to pick up was a strong impression that Sally Kipper's telepathy was unknown to the bad guys. She seemed to form a determination, as long as they were kept alive, to transmit information to her surviving shipmates, and to try to keep up their courage.

Rip Tellus looked at the cyborg. "I'm positive that, having brought us this far, the retroactive timestream-insertion apparatus would have told us if the survivors of Flake's Seven had been executed."

"And," Royurbota added, "I'm positive that Coordinator Scurvylaff would relish tormenting my darling and his friends for months or even years. Therefore, I will act on the assumption that they're still alive."

Divarsha touched Rip on one arm. "Does your Spacebullion technology have anything else up its sleeve which might help us?"

"As a matter of fact, it does. Although our old mega-mothership was a tool of wickedness, its absurd-velocity propulsion suite has been re-created for an up-side purpose. A modest version of it was what got me here to meet with you. A certain Slick Mudpackis, who was a formidable down-side master in the service of the old regime, got converted to goodness after Bob Snooze was deposed and arrested. A ridiculous-speed ship would be able to fetch Mudpackis from where he resettled. I believe that he would be glad of a chance to make amends for his previous evildoing by joining your cause here."

"While we wait for a response on that," said Royurbota, "perhaps we can try to persuade Captain Kactusita to break ranks with the Scurvylaff administration, and assist us to liberate Lodge and his remaining crew."
 
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WHEN WE LAST VISITED "URTH" (which is home to my ONLY versions of Superman and Supergirl in the serial), most of the action was in Mexico. The merged Constrictors-Jaguars non-superpowered gang was lending support to the remnants of The Super-Gang of Naughty Persons. These remnants consisted pretty much of the electrical villainess Hand-Eye, the speedster villainess Rattle-Sneak, and the teleporting villain Mirror Merchant. But as a piece of improving luck for the side of badness, the sort-of-undead villain Sullivan Grungy was reactivated, and a couple of Mexican super-villains joined up.

Right now, I'm giving some onstage time to a bad person who, until now, has only been distantly mentioned: Ex-Queen Waterella of Splatlantis. Unlike the honorable Queen Maritima of TAT-lantis on Seedubb Earth, Waterella was always a spoiled narcissist. In offstage action, dating back before the very first depiction of "Urth" in my story, she turned against her good-hearted husband Moistureman, and is on the side of evil to this day. Now our camera dives underwater.....
_._._._._._._._._._._._._._

Three hundred nautical miles west of the Galapagos Islands, a captured U.S. Navy submarine rested on an undersea shelf. Waterella and Sullivan Grungy watched as the American sailors were evacuated to the surface in survival pods. Even the inhuman Grungy could not entirely disregard the limitations imposed on wanton murder in a comicbook-derived story-reality.

"Grungy is not happy of not get to kill defenseless American sailors, but Grungy understands narrative style choice. Not us can depict a bloodbath in a story children maybe to read when someone write about it. But can Grungy at least break up interior of submarine after sailors be safe on surface?"

"Yes, Lord Sullivan, you may do so. After all of the inferior hardware is removed from inside, my military advisers should find the hulls perfectly acceptable for new purposes."

Submarine crews attacked by the oceanic villains were not massacred; but they WERE deprived of their submarines. Waterella was bent on securing undersea dominance before her ex-husband could return to Urth. Naval forces of the Americas, if involved at all in Splatlantean affairs, would probably have sided with King Moistureman. So Waterella, with Grungy's full agreement, intended to enforce a rule that only nations receiving permission from the self-declared Ocean Queen would be permitted to deploy any submersible vessels in any ocean.

Sullivan had another question: "Queen Waterella, are having particular reason to concentrate these captures of ships along coastlines of North and South America?"

"An intelligent question, which I will answer. I want the Justified League's attention to be kept away from the Asian mainland. One of my trusted men, Generico Henchmanicus, is covertly sneaking up the Yellow River of China. He hopes, by a roundabout route, to find where your friends Emir Efreet and Red Hot Lamia are being kept in prison."

The Frankenstein-ish super-villain gave a grotesque smile. "If again Efreet and Lamia with us, we can more doing on land also."
 
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