Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

It's only reasonable to explain WHY the Tonkrypian cousins, Moistureman and Urth's Native American Green Flashlight have been away from Urth for so long.

Thanks to the availability of Tachyon Loop travel, Superdude had been able to bring Luisa and their baby (a son, if I recall rightly) to Planet Senphatori, where he could be near them. Urth being in pretty good shape when they left it, Superdude, Superhottie, Green Flashlight Mike Deep Swimmer and Moistureman had hung around on Senphatori for an extended period. Though powerful in science, the Senphatorians had no native metahumans, and so could use extra help.

The shape-changing Skrunks had made one more attempt to infiltrate this human-inhabited-though-not-strictly-an-Earth-copy world. The X-ray vision of the two Tonkrypians had proven able to detect internal differences in Skrunk bodies, differences which they could not change as easily as they changed their OUTSIDE appearance. Moistureman, of course, had enlisted Senphatorian sea creatures to chase down any Skrunks who assumed the forms of aquatic animals.

More serious if only because less understood, had been the arrival of a new conquest-minded super-villain, whose native language was not traceable to any world in the Milky Way Galaxy. He was at least as big physically as the now-depowered Twerpseid, and possessed comparable strength plus a much faster movement speed than the former monarch of Planet Awkwardlisp. He used a name which, upon high-tech efforts to understand it, came out in English as Duke Terror. Besides doing relatively minor property damage, he caused ordinary people within a kilometer's radius of him to be afraid, not of him, but of each other. Charles Crazier, though unable to read the new villain's thoughts in detail, was able to get a strong sense that Duke Terror wanted people afraid of each other so that HE could pretend to "make peace" and "save" their world from strife. Somewhat like the way Block Atom had previously pretended to be protecting Senphatori.

Crazier's guess about why the Duke damaged buildings and vehicles was that the arrogant alien planned to claim he had been trying to catch "the REAL villains."

It had taken Corky, Clara and the Green Flashlight together, with Moistureman helping where he could, to inflict a genuine butt-kicking upon Duke Terror, hurting him badly enough that he fled into hyperspace. Professor Crazier could then go to work releasing regular people's brains from the panic effect.

Mike Deep Swimmer communicated with Planet Wawa, asking the Janitors of the Universe to send at least two more Flashlights to help search for Duke Terror (or for clues to his origin). Master Katmatao obligingly assigned three Flashlights, all of them non-humanoids who have not otherwise appeared in our narrative, to join Mike in this hunt.

Now you understand why the Justified League on Urth was a bit short-handed. This, in turn, prodded Martin "Atomic Scalp" Alpert to tell the League's research staff, "Okay, that's enough refining of my new flame-on procedure. I need to get back into the field and help the others."
 
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In northern China, seated on a riverside pier as any ordinary person might be, Generico Henchmanicus-- an elite Splatlantean who could breathe air without artificial aid-- was eating a fish, waiting to be approached by a fellow bad guy. Soon enough, a Chinese woman in Maoist-era clothing walked up to him, and spoke an evilness recognition code. She was a courier for the Crocodile Market gang.

So Generico and his contact did some sneaky stuff, and then they did some other sneaky stuff, leading to more sneaky stuff. Two and a half days later, Waterella's agent caught an airplane ride to the vicinity of where the imprisoned metahumans were kept; and by means of still more sneaky stuff, he and more Crocodile Market members busted Red Hot Lamia and Emir Efreet loose. While reporting this progress to Waterella, Generico was not to bring Efreet and Lamia to MEET the false queen, because neither the snaky lady nor the smoky man could breathe water. Instead, they would all travel to Mexico, meet up with "regular" gangster Paco Fritango, and await further instructions.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The hero Clean Hornet, though not a coward, had spent most of his career as a sneaky, pre-Tom-Cruise "Mission Impossible" kind of hero, defeating villains by cunning rather than slugging it out with them. His method had been to pretend that he himself was a crook, so as to infiltrate crime syndicates and trick their bosses into getting caught. But Clean Hornet's assistance to the Justified League had, over time, become too well known for him to continue posing as a criminal. So he had resigned himself to being the League's investigative journalist and researcher. And in this capacity, he remained useful.

It was one of his informants who passed word to Petsarat Kingpavong that Generico Henchmanicus was in China. The kickboxer alerting his friend Clean Hornet about this resulted in the League knowing that a prison break was impending, almost before Efreet and Lamia were sprung from their containment.

The former villainesses Aluminum Banshee and Stellar Sapphire were both in a family way by now. Their respective husbands, Tapper Cossack and Gleaming Knight, told their wives, in substance: "We can take on those monsters, if you give us just a little help, in a way which will not jeopardize you and our babies."

Stella was able to travel fast enough to reach Asia before the jailbreakers could vanish. She brought the other three with her. The League's technicians fed them satellite data. When they were above the super-criminals, Lumina did her part: blasting the villains with a crashing scream. Caught by surprise, Lamia and Efreet were disoriented, and soon the good guys were delivered to melee range. Both men bore swords: in Dmitri's case, a curved Asian talwar. Since Emir Efreet had more potential to escape, both swordsmen dashed in to wound him before he could recover his wits enough to change into smoke. Then they both turned against Red Hot Lamia, who had already assumed snake form. Her very LARGE snake form. She was monster enough to justify double-teaming; and although she was not weapon-proof, she did have plenty of hit points.

From a safe distance, Lumina had already begun singing, which increased her husband's combat power. The Cossack needed the help; he was already stronger than Sir Jasper, but he fought without armor. Jasper's shield and armor thwarted five bites from Lamia's poison fangs, but Dmitri needed to do plenty of dodging.

I have mentioned that Tapper Cossack is stronger than Gleaming Knight; but this does not make the time-transferred knight a weakling. Noticing that Emir Efreet was regaining his wits enough to attempt a smoke-change, Jasper dashed at him and gave him a mighty sock to the jaw-- made more severe by Jasper's mailed gauntlet. The Emir was down for the count.

Meanwhile, Red Hot Lamia forced Dmitri to back-pedal with a series of lunges. Then, before Sir Jasper could resume double-teaming her, she switched back to human form-- because she actually could run faster than she could slither. And it turned out that Mirror Merchant had spotted her just in time to rescue her.

So the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons had gained back one of its members, and she would soon recuperate from her sword-cuts. As for Emir Efreet, Stella could and did confine him inside an airtight force field.

Don't assume that Generico Henchmanicus was a coward for not assisting the two Asian super-villains. He had done his part by breaking them out of prison, and had expected Mirror Merchant to be more prompt about making pickup. He had his own getaway route, one calculated to get him back underwater as soon as possible. He could live out of water, but he was weaker there.
 
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Besides the fact that the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons was regaining strength just when Superdude and Superhottie were in another star system, the Justified League had to worry about what the super-cousins had encountered recently on Senphatori. Urth's Green Flashlight, by artifact-to-artifact comms, had passed the news to Stellar Sapphire about Duke Terror.

Greg "Vigilant Cowboy" Sutter was the only League superhero minding the store at headquarters, when the report of half-success against the jailbreak came from Stella. Greg placed a call to "NETCO," the Not-Evil Technology Corporation in Chicago, which had been a major contractor in adopting Tachyon Loop technology for Urth's use. Roby "Fighting Machine" Doby, associate of Earth-Whichever's inventor-hero Stony Stork, had been occupied at NETCO ever since he was last mentioned in our story, developing procedures for integrating Urthian technology with Earth-Whichever's less-advanced manufacturing base.

When Roby came on the line, Greg went right to the point:

"On top of Sullivan Grungy bein' revived, and on top of Waterella meddlin' against nigh ever'body's navy, the Naughty Persons've retrieved their dratted snake-woman. And the new alien that Senphatori told us 'bout still is a potential threat. By all accounts, y'all get on well with folks on Awkwardlisp; could'ja hop over there, soon-like? Ask for a bit of reinforcement?"

"Sure, Greg. King Preston and I will never forget how tense it was for us, being invaded on our own Urth-variant. I'll catch a dimension tunnel to Awkwardlisp within the next fifteen hours."

"Thanks. An' you can tell Truthside that his guy Exohern's been mighty helpful of late."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fighting Machine was on Awkwardlisp less than eleven hours after speaking with Vigilant Cowboy. He was met by the roughly-humanoid scientist Greensodd.

"Your advance communication was forwarded to me. I will facilitate your being joined by several good-aligned characters, already known to you, who are available to reinforce Urth's Justified League. Two of these volunteers are explicit magic-users, and a third is kinda-sorta magical, which fills a gap in Urth's local resources."

"The fourth is a scientist and a trauma surgeon," declared the brawny-and-brainy Kirk Slippage, referring to himself. Next to him stood the spectacularly beautiful black-haired sorceress Zoorama Sotero-Slippage. Zoorama in turn pointed to another gorgeous woman, who looked exactly like Original Earth's Whitney Houston in her prime, and said, "You remember Whiskey Dallas." Whiskey had the remarkable gift of being absolutely invulnerable to any kind of harm as long as she was singing. The singer gestured toward the fourth volunteer, an elderly man of the Native Australian people, except that on Earth-Whichever his continent was pronounced "Ostralia."

Roby greeted the lawful-good shaman as "Dreamtime Chieftain;" his actual name was Kuparr Daku.

"The spirit kookaburra will not be joining us," remarked the shaman; "but I can do my bit even without him."

"And I'll be seeing what I can find out about this troublemaker calling himself Duke Terror," said a voice almost too deep for human ears. This was King Truthside, born Preston Vincent of Ostralia. Preston's side-of-good undead wife Erica, before permanently departing to Heaven, had transferred to her gallant husband all the former powers of the evil immortals Twerpseid, Grrrryll, Kamelbakk and Trippenwonk.

Duke Terror was not likely to terrify Truthside.
 
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All right, it's been a while. Copperfox will now remind the forum of where he left some characters......

Looking at random, where did things stand on the Earth-variant called "Terra"? They aren't currently interacting with other worlds. My counterpart of Brandon Lee in "The Crow" destroyed a counterpart of "Sabacc" in "Black Adam." Progressive Muslim governments in Egypt and Morocco defeated the Boko Hassan terrorists. So Terra is enjoying peace and quiet, until I give them another emergency.

Planet Freesoil is where my version of Dark Helmet from "Spaceballs" now dwells. He and his followers, who turned good under the influence of the good-hearted settlers, are now living productive, constructive lives, alongside beings of more than one species. They recently were joined by my version of Black Adam-- who, by means of some way-cool technology, got his brain reprogrammed, so that now he CANNOT do any violence unless there is a justified cause for it.

On Punksteema, the matter of the Frantic Druids being based on this world's moon and hatching evil schemes from there, is unresolved. The orc-like Bloody Diggers, at least, have been suppressed. The gunslinger-knight Ronald of Goliad was overjoyed to learn that his best friend, fellow gunslinger Wyatt Hickok, did not die after all. The two of them, with other characters including Ronald's apprentices, are currently in the mostly isolated nation of Samplibam, whose culture is like a blend of Japan and Mexico.

The characters in my version of Frank Herbert's "Dune" franchise are struggling with the problem that, unlike my parodies of superhero comics and suchlike, their storyverse is based on an original author who ACTUALLY DESIRED everything to be tragic, negative, cynical, pessimistic and gloomy. This being so, my now-deceased version of Paul Atreides COULD NOT STOP HIMSELF from waging war against other worlds, EVEN in a parody. But having received good influence from my versions of comicbook heroes, the good guys here are finally pushing back against the doom and gloom. A version of Gurney Halleck is prominent in this.

On Seedubb (home to my version of Batman, and the very first Earth-variant to have been featured in my saga), the population of criminal masterminds was dramatically reduced. My versions of Red Skull and Lex Luthor had both been working for the government of Communist China; but eventually their competing egos reached the breaking point. A deadly altercation took the lives of BOTH super-criminals, along with the life of Doubleslick, the female Face Twister who loved Red Headbone.

In the sub-reality derived from Filmation cartoons, my version of He-Man had already slain my version of Skeletor in a fair fight quite a while ago. Much more recently, my version of She-Ra needed a bit of help on her planet, since she had been wounded in battle. So my version of Beta Ray Bill from Thor comics acted in her place, defeating my version of Hordak in a duel and forcing him to renounce all claim to the planet.

Suddenly, the super-obnoxious magical girl named Antimerica Chutzpah barged into this review post. She had not yet been healed from the injury to her tongue, but she was able to hack into this forum and start insisting AGAIN that everything was about her. Copperfox, however, crossed out her uninvited boasting.
 
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On board Bubblewrap Five in its orbit round Upsydaisylon, Lieutenant-Commander Josh Cordwood was on bridge watch when an expected visitor emerged from hyperspace. It was a fast merchant ship from the Republic of Lots of Worlds, named the Oshbazugo-- which, as Josh had been informed by Master Drool, was the name of a city on the ship's home planet.

Some of the freighter's crewmembers were human; the rest, including the officers, belonged to the same race as the former slave Yathmol who had lately become the chairwoman of the planetary council on Planet Riggblit. That is, they were bipeds with human-like hands, purple skin, and snouts like aardvarks. Among these, the one of most importance to Earthlyforce and the Bubblewrap Coalition was Thilzood, a female technician who had undergone a brain-download of the English and Goldarnit languages.

Corin Webber, formerly a captive of the Shadythings, was back in his familiar military life, and enjoyed enough seniority now that he could be allowed to assume bridge watch. So Josh Cordwood handed off to Corin, and joined Ambassador J'Unkycar of the Goldarns in welcoming the ship's company of Oshbazugo.

An Earthman, Chinese, named Shan Yat-Mu, one of the first several humans to be permitted to join the Anflaktikshok Rangers, had lately been helped by a Mintcandybarri telepath to absorb some of the purple visitors' language. Yat-Mu, accordingly, would be the official greeter and tour guide for everyone from Oshbazugo who wasn't needed for the technology-transfer proceedings.

Once Yat-Mu took charge of the tourists, the science geeks-- meaning Thilzood, three others of her species, and seven humans-- led Josh and J'Unkycar inside the docked ship.

"Of course, Commander, Ambassador, you already know how our beyond-the-hull protective shields work; and no one in your Coalition has complained to us about the performance of the shields in actual combat."

"Definitely a survivability improvement," J'Unkycar assured her.

Thilzood nodded, then went on: "But long-term component life makes a difference. I'll wager some of your warship engineers have noted increased wear upon electrical components. Your shields work; but being your allies now, the Republic is anxious to be proactive about NOT allowing circuit burnouts to afflict your cruisers and fighters at the worst moments. Accordingly, my staff must confer with your electrical specialists about what power-system improvements to make."

Since the fabrication potential of the Great Artifact would be involved in putting the electrical improvements to use, Drool set up a video conference, to let his Flapjack workers join in the technical discussion.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
 
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The scene is now transported to the Earth-variant which is the heart of the Bubblewrap Coalition. We find Coalition President Bruce Loxbagel and his Mintcandybarri wife Deelyte serving as adjunct faculty at Interstellar University, Earth Orbital Campus.

The university's chancellor, Yolanda Cruz, waited for Bruce and Deelyte to complete their lectures for the day, then asked them to come to her office. All she said on the intercom was: "I have a visitor from the Republic of Lots of Worlds who wants to meet you. His mission is confidential, and independent from Scientist Thilzood's business on Bubblewrap Five."

Yolanda's guest proved to be a young man around the age to be a highschool senior.

"Mister President, Madam Ambassadress, my name is Fizzra Teenybopper, and I am an up-side Fuss user. I'm also a friend of Noherra Synthmusica, who married your man Snack Salad."

"Then you must have also known the up-sider Nonsmoka Tiptoe," said Deelyte. "We were all saddened to hear of her valiant passing, but now she is star-stuff."

"Meaning no offense, Lady Deelyte, my mentor Nonsmoka, like my first mentor Master Klayman, lives on in a far more personal and conscious way than becoming undifferentiated particle plasma with no feelings or memories. Both of them have spoken to me from the afterworld of The Fuss; and it was Nonsmoka who urged me to travel here on the quiet. Do either of you know what Burpgills are?"

"Not by that name," Bruce replied. "I gather they're a life-form?"

"Yes, sir: a life-form which can survive in vacuum, and can even enter hyperspace."

"Not related to the departed-and-good-riddance Shadythings, I hope?"

"No, sir. They're not sentient, nor are they aggressive. It's possible, once you know how, to use them as living spaceships. I came to your star system by means of Burpgills-- of course, I had a vacuum suit on-- in order that there should be no official record of my visit. Since a patrol boat picked me up, a few students here have seen me walking down corridors with the University Chancellor, but they have no idea who I am, nor will they see any need to inquire persistently."

Yolanda interjected, "I can arrange for Fizzra to occupy private living quarters, with a very low profile, until Snack and Noherra Salad can come to Earth and smuggle him out. Failing this, you, Lady Deelyte, could ask some of the Anflaktikshok Rangers to do the same thing."

"Either way," said Fizzra, "while waiting for my ride, I can transcribe some of the adventures my comrades and I have had against the down-side forces. This, not duplicating what I will tell you OFF the record in this shielded office."

Deelyte nodded. "Very well. Please begin sharing the more sensitive component of your information with Bruce and me."
 
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"I know that you know about Acne-Skin Spacewalker, who died saving our sector of the universe from the down-sider Porkanbeen. And you know that he left his widow Poormee Armadillo to raise fraternal twins, Duke and Dana, who inherit his sensitivity to The Fuss."

Bruce nodded. "Yes, and we know that a certain Dim Jargon, the Banjolorian warrior who looked after the Toofah-Roffian youth Gross-Goo, has been to Planet Kantpoo, where Poormee and her children live. Is Warrior Dim Jargon connected with what you came to report?"

"To a significant extent, so he is. Dim Jargon, and a companion of his, witnessed some of what's going on. I should clarify: Dim Jargon had his wife Tien-Hai with him. She is a skilled martial artist, hailing from an Earth-variant you may not have heard of. Also native to that Earth is a super-powered man called Black Giraffe, who was accompanying them. Dim and Giraffe witnessed the phenomenon of concern by becoming its targets."

Deelyte frowned in thought. "I may have an idea where you're going with this. The merchant captain Woodrow Ackerman, who has done business with your Republic, recently reported that a Kantpoolian lady, one of their former temporary queens, was exposed as having ties with some evil conspirator."

"Yes, Ambassadress, you're on the trajectory. Queen-Emeritus Harshyanna was exposed as being associated with a Doctor Dizwarn, who belongs to a network of evil scientists called Lazytaxies. It is precisely Dizwarn's specialty to poison societies by warping, or misdirecting, people's belief in goodness. What Dizwarn and Harshyanna were up to on Kantpoo, was not simply to DO evil, but to cause innocent men to be FALSELY ACCUSED of evil."

Bruce asked, "And was Dim Jargon thus accused?"

"In an extraordinarily vague way. One Kantpoolian woman athlete thought she could best Jargon in a foot race; but even encumbered by his armor, Dim Jargon easily won the race. The woman then claimed that the Banjolorian had cheated, or something along those lines.

"Meanwhile, Queen-Emeritus Harshyanna had been steadily telling her granddaughter that she, the granddaughter, was better than all males just by BEING female. Worse, Harshyanna simultaneously made up false accusations of her grandson bullying his sister, AND insisted that the grandson was too weak and clumsy ever to outdo any girl at anything. Poormee, I'm glad to report, wasn't fooled; but many other Kantpoolian women were listening to Harshyanna's lies. When the former queen was exposed as working with the Lazytaxies, she fled that star system.

"And it's possible that she'll come to YOUR sub-universe, and try to turn women here against their men."

Deelyte's lovely face took on a baffled look. "But if that schemer does come to Coalition space, I don't see how she could make any progress deceiving the females of any humanoid species. Great universe, Earth has elected female planetary presidents; Brita Alkaselzer became the leader of her telepath colony; Bubblewrap Five's top officer is a woman; Constance Tilbury won everlasting fame as a warship commander; Yessa Ackerman is a respected diplomat; YOU are in charge of Earth's most prestigious university; I was already a leader among my own people before I ever married Bruce. Even the Snitsnobbies, nominally a patriarchal culture, allow their women to learn combat skills. How can this Harshyanna trick women in these conditions?"

"You underestimate the power of liars who pander to unthinking emotions. Kantpoo has been led EXCLUSIVELY by female monarchs for many centuries, yet Harshyanna-- with some sort of assistance from Doctor Dizwarn-- managed EVEN there to deceive many women into imagining that they had a legitimate grievance against men. Some people simply ENJOY pretending that they have a right to feel sorry for themselves, no matter how good their actual circumstances are."

Bruce sat back, collected his thoughts for a moment, then scratched his head. "All right, I have an idea. The Bubblewrap Coalition officially requests that the Up-Side Fellowship would regularly send FEMALE Fuss users on random inspection tours, to see for themselves if women are being oppressed."
 
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ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GONE LONG ENOUGH WITHOUT SEEING OUR VERSION OF BATMAN.

Copperfox is pretty sure he told you, long ago, that the Indochina of Seedubb Earth had never been conquered by Communists, because there had been a generation of superheroes in the Sixties to thwart Seedubb's versions of Ho Chi Minh and Pol Pot. Besides the Particle and the Silhouette who have been depicted as carried forward through time by The Whoosh, I'm pretty sure I once told you there was a 20th-century Green Flashlight, female, for Seedubb. Moreover, Tatlantis naturally had also existed then, and Aquaticman's grandfather King Tidewalker had interdicted waterways against being used by the Communists.

Thus the Indochinese nations collectively had become a global economic force in their own right. Which did mean that there would be gangsters feeding off the commerce where they could, though never causing anything remotely as horrible as the killing fields of Cambodia.

For a fresh example of a criminal who has no super-powers, nor science-fiction equipment, but who IS very clever, we introduce a gangster using the street name of Teo-doi Tan-lan, which is Vietnamese for a carnivorous monitor lizard. (Note also that monitor lizards, of whom Komodo dragons are the largest variety, are considered the most intelligent reptiles on any close Earth-variant.)

Some while before my story's onstage action began, Teo-doi Tan-lan had opened communications via the Dark Interweb with American villains including Lex Loozor, Chilly Frost, Black Visor, Opposite Whoosh, Wisecracker, the then-evil Harpy Grinn, and Baffler. But all the ruckus arising from the theft of the Anti-Villain Device, followed by the arrival of the Fuss-using Groan Starr AND his enemies the Face Twisters, had convinced "Lizard" that this was deeper water than he cared to swim in. So he waited for many months.

Now, there was an excellent likelihood that Seedubb's heroes would be complacent, feeling free to go help OTHER planets against evil. Marysuefire, Cyberdork and other good guys had certainly done so. Accordingly, "Lizard" cautiously returned to the Dark Interweb, where he established a link to the ambitious Actsnarky. The former campus troublemaker and his modest gang were more than willing to collaborate, as long as the Vietnamese crooks agreed on a policy of NOT throwing rocks at any superhero hornets' nests.

The massive outlaw called Rocky Hippo suggested that "Lizard" bring a few fellow Asian gangsters to Louisiana. It would be a physically comfortable climate for Indochinese persons; and if "Lizard" set up shop there, he and Actsnarky's lot would not be stepping on each other's toes.
 
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>> We now come up even with present time for the characters. Actsnarky, Jetpack Jolene, Rocky Hippo and Wild Whiner have departed the Country Kingdom resort, having committed no crimes there worse than a little pocket-picking done by Jolene.

The four low-profile crooks considered moving on into Kansas-- until they considered how the Kansas State Police had gained superior technology when Sergeant Chip Thursday returned from the Dune-related sub-reality. So they veered southwest, crossing into Oklahoma. Their next little caper was at a public beach alongside the Fort Gibson Reservoir.

Wild Whiner once again served as the distraction. In this case, he cried and yelled and griped about how the sunlight was too bright on the water. The other three did not steal anything at this time; instead, they fanned out and looked for any sort of clue about who would be worth stealing from. Actsnarky hit paydirt when, looking into a dropped purse, he found a labelled key from a storage locker. Memorizing the name of the storage company, and the locker number, he used a key-copying kit to enable duplicating the key.

Early the next morning, Whiner was assigned to go and use the duplicate key, because he of the quartet was the least dangerous-looking. As a lucky break for him, the only really important thing in the locker was a box of thumb drives; even he had the strength to carry these away. Later, when there was a chance to stick the drives into a tablet computer, the brawn-AND-brains crook Rocky Hippo determined that the drives contained information about the new product lines for a large manufacturing concern. "We can sell these to a competitor!" exclaimed Rocky.

+ + + + + + + + + + + +

Meanwhile, in Urbanopolis (equivalent of New York City, to remind the readers), Brutus "Batfellow" Dwayne was facing a dilemma which, in a more realistic world, would have confronted him a lot sooner.

His wife Catfemale had had her true identity of Saltina Kool exposed to the world when, having come to repentance after Batfellow AGAIN spared her life when she had vainly tried to kill him, had given herself up and admitted her actual identity. Batfellow had asked the Governor of York-Jersey to pardon Saltina (as would later be done for Harpy Grinn who was now Harpy Nickelworth), but what do you know, BRUTUS DWAYNE had thereafter married the converted-to-goodness Catfemale.

The entire state, indeed the entire UNITED States, had shown its love for the Caped Campaigner by unanimously pretending NOT to see the huge glowing arrow pointing to Batfellow's identity; and indeed, the various tricks employed to make it seem otherwise, were clever enough that at least a LITTLE doubt lingered. But precisely because the underworld on Seedubb (especially the North American continent) was now so subdued, journalists had to find other dirty laundry to report. And the Dwaynes' marriage became that laundry, despite not really being dirty.

On any Earth-variant, there will be media personalities who claim to hate business corporations, but who in practice actually hate THE MOST HONEST companies, while giving a free pass to the worst ones. Thus it was that several online outlets began accusing Saltina Dwayne of keeping two men on her string. Although the respected reporter Irish North denounced the scandal-mongers for the creeps they were, the accusations persisted.

Several days after Actsnarky's band made their data sale to a crooked manufacturer in Oklahoma, Brutus Dwayne called a press conference in front of Urbanopolis City Hall. The crucial part of his unrehearsed speech was as follows:

"In the past, I have indeed been a social swinger, a jet-set playboy. So have many men done when they had no committed attachments. But for the better part of two decades now, I've a husband and a father. I do not take this responsibility lightly; and I am grateful to all the Americans who have given me the benefit of the doubt when-- questions arose. But now I'm at a crossroads, because the honor of my wife is being called into question.

"If it were only myself being suspected of infidelity, I could shrug it off. But I will NOT permit anyone to insinuate that my Saltina is less true than in fact she is. Therefore, let it be understood: Saltina cannot be cheating on me with Batfellow..... unless Batfellow is someone OTHER than myself."

Half a second later, Brutus raised a grappling-hook gun, shot a line to the city hall's roof edge, shot up to the roof, and grabbed an item which the police had pre-positioned there for him. It was a set of glider wings, which he donned expertly. Then he flew out over the crowd, and circled down to where he saw two reporters who had been pushing the gossip about Saltina. Hefting a pair of Bat-shurikens, he hurled these to hit pavement between the feet of the startled scandal-chasers.

"You two men, and the others like you, will never again be permitted to visit any institution or place of business associated with me. LEAST of all will you ever see the inside of the Bat-Grotto."

Saltina clung to her husband and crime-fighting partner, weeping hard. Then she found the voice to say to him, "If you want to do Irish North some favor to thank her for supporting us, I promise I'll know that it isn't anything I need to feel jealous about."
 
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Next morning, at a roadside diner near Tulsa, our four low-profile crooks watched a news report on the overhead television.

Wild Whiner muttered, "That bandit capitalist, robbing the people's collective. He deserves to have his undeserved mansion burned to the ground."

Jolene, Actsnarky and Rocky hissed at him in unison: "Don't even think about it." Rocky added, "Now it will be MORE dangerous, not less dangerous, for anyone to try going after Mister Dwayne."

" " " " " " " " " " " " " "
Barely sixty hours later, a mob of assorted criminals and low-lifes tried to invade the Dwayne estate. No member of the Bats-Family needed to stir a finger in response. The ones who got temporarily changed into frogs by Doctor Unusual, were the ones that got off easy.

The day after that, Batfellow began calling up all other superheroes whose true identities were publicly known, such as Captain Patriot, Cyberdork with Bot Index, Doctor Unusual, and Aquaticman with Queen Maritima. He proposed that they start a group called "The Just-Us Society." If Groan Starr and his family ever came back to Seedubb, they would be treated as members.
 
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At the Yagahodo estate, in Samplibam, on Punksteema:

Shogun Wajitujit and his entourage slept the night at Lord Toshiram's house, temporarily evicting the family from their bedrooms; but every upper-class family in Samplibam kept collapsible pavilions in storage for just such a contingency. So the Yagahodos, and the entire Towerman party, slept agreeably. Over the next morning's breakfast, the monarch dropped a casual question to Kenchur Yagahodo, which afforded another look into Samplibami cuisine. The blessing lately cast upon the Shogun meant that the visitors could understand his talk with Toshiram's second son.

"Kenchur son of Toshiram, did your visit to the Inomura Clan have a satisfactory conclusion? I hear that they have been annoyed by salamanders in their storage caves."

"Favorite of Heaven, you are informed correctly. This particular species of salamander had not been seen in the caves on Inomura territory for many years; but the most recent rainy season was abundant enough that eggs of the salamanders must have been carried into the underground pools." Kenchur turned toward Wyatt Hickok with an explanation: "Salamanders of that kind have the unusual trait of being able to digest dairy products, and they especially like cheese. The Inomuras keep the best milking goats in all of Samplibam-- which may be of special interest to Donnie Tonka-- and the cheese made from their goat milk is kept cool in their caves while it ripens. Among other dishes, Inomura cheese is often used for--" And he described the making of what would be called tacos and burritos on Original Earth. Then he turned back toward Wajitujit.

"How is Lord Inomura dealing with the pests? I understand that they are not good for people to eat."

"Indeed, sire, they are not. Fortunately, the use of wire mesh can keep the cheese wheels out of the salamanders' reach."

"This is good news, Kenchur," said the Shogun; then he also addressed Wyatt. "Master Warrior Hickok, since your friend Donnie Tonka is a baker, and since many baked items use milk or cheese, I shall arrange for a reasonable quantity of these products from the Inomura farms to be made available to Mister Tonka, so that the Yagahodos, and later others in my realm, will have the opportunity to form their own opinion of his breads and cakes."

Donnie bowed very low, and very sincerely, to the Shogun. "Great ruler, I shall try to be worthy of this assistance."

"Field-Guide Nefekor will confer with Lady Noombi's domestic workers, to plan the logistics. Now, Master Warrior Ronald, I understand that there has been talk of a friendly martial contest....."
 
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Three hours later, in a suitable open space, the friendly unarmed contest was held. As the eldest and strongest of Ronald's apprentices, Talusek represented the Song-Fist art. Kenchur Yagahodo represented Samplibami jujitsu; a member of the host family assuming this role was meant to confirm that the bout WAS friendly.

The onlooking Shogun suggested, i.e. commanded, that no music be played. "After all, most spontaneous combats do not occur with music playing nearby. So let this contest, though not intending any injury, reflect probable fighting conditions."

Talusek opened the dance with two successive high kicks (right foot, then left) aiming at the air three inches in front of Kenchur's face. Kenchur simply leaned back from the first kick, but at the second kick he grabbed the younger man's ankle in an iron grip. In the spirit of competition without malice, he did not throw Talusek to the ground, merely holding on for a long moment and then releasing his opponent.

For two full minutes after this, Talusek attempted no more high kicks, and only resorted to leg sweeps to keep Kenchur guessing. His well-muscled arms kept up a flurry of close-range attacks, with two grapple attempts for every three punches. Four of his blows touched Kenchur at spots where damage could have been done, and on two occasions his agile evasive movements freed him from grips begun by the Samplibami fighter. But Kenchur made seven completely successful grabs during the bout, moves which would clearly have had the younger man powerless to escape if Kenchur had not let go.

When at last Wajitujit commanded a halt, Kenchur clapped Talusek's shoulder, saying through his king's translation, "Thank you for a good exercise, which forced me to stay alert. You did very well for one who has only followed his chosen martial path for a short while." Once made to understand the victor's words, Talusek bowed with respect, and with a smile.

Ronald approached the two contestants. Knowing that Wajitujit would understand him, Ronald said, "Heaven-guided Shogun, I hope that both warriors pleased you wirh the exhibition."

"They did," replied the monarch. "Disciple Talusek, it is no disgrace to be outdone by a more experienced fighter. You will surely advance to greater achievements on your path, to the satisfaction of those who have instructed you."

"I thank the Shogun for his kind words, and I will strive to be worthy of them."

Feshri of Gahurr was not slow to assure her prospective husband that she thought he had done superbly.

To Billyboy Jeralo who stood near her, Mistress Mukuma remarked, "I like this Shogun. Instead of rubbing everyone's nose in his kingly rank, he makes a point of acknowledging the merits of persons who are socially far beneath him."

Wajitujit spoke up again: "And now, perhaps, an equally non-lethal exercise in swordplay?"
 
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Zoralee spoke up, since the Shogun would be able to understand her:

"Your Majesty, our kindly hosts the Yagahodos have told us that, although not many Samplibami women become warriors, it is not forbidden. Might I be permitted to demonstrate my skill specifically with a SHORT sword? If there is any awkwardness about a woman fighting a man, perhaps a martially-trained Samplibami woman can be found hereabouts?"

Wajitujit glanced at Lord Toshiram, who provided the answer:

"Closer than you think, Miss Jeralo. You have already met my sixteen-year-old sister-side niece Boshiru Inomura-- her father was my friend even before he took my sister in marriage-- who dwells under my roof and is betrothed to my son Kenchur. She possesses exactly the skill you seek to test. We can furnish bamboo practice swords for an exhibition bout-- and similar weapons later for a long-blade contest. My guess is that, for the latter match, your party would be represented either by Sir Ronald or by Mister Tonka."

"Either of those would be worthy," said Zoralee, "as would Talusek himself; but it is not my place to decide which of them steps up."

Boshiru, two inches shorter than Zoralee but seeming to have equal arm-reach, soon appeared, holding two identical bamboo training swords. Wyatt interpreted for the girl when she said, "Lady Jeralo, I thank you for giving me this opportunity to try my own skill. My uncle does not prevent me from training, nor compels me to pretend I am not a fighter; but our sword methods do emphasize sheer strength. My uncle and my betrothed are always cautious not to knock me down by brute force when we spar. Within the bounds of this being a friendly match, I ask you not to spare me. On my word of honor, no one in my household will hold it against you if I come away bruised."

This bout went longer than the barehanded fight, because it was more evenly matched. Technical skill seemed equal on both sides. Boshiru did enjoy a marginal speed advantage over the older woman; but Zoralee had lived a rougher life, which left her with greater long-term stamina despite her age. They kept at if for nearly four minutes, and this at a high level of exertion, before the Shogun again called a halt.

"I say this is a draw, a very honorable draw. Both of you have earned respect by your skill. Zoralee Jeralo, since fighting in earnest against men is within your experience, I will give you my conjecture as a swordsman myself. If you entered mortal combat with the same weapon type as in your bout with Boshiru, against soldiers of my personal guard, with bodily tackling not permitted, one in every six of my men would kill you in the first exchange, but two others in every six would surely lose to you.

"Now, what shall we see next?""
 
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Toshiram bowed low to his royal guest.

"If it pleases Heaven's Favorite, I would like to try something different. It comes to my mind that, in any possible new crisis for our nation, my present guests would be much more likely to fight BESIDE my clan, and beside the Shogun's troops, against anyone hostile to the Shogunate, than to fight against us."

Wajitujit looked at the master of the manor thoughtfully. "Knowing your personal service to me and to my father, I know that you are one to think of good or bad possibilities ahead of time. I therefore speculate that you are wondering how it would be to fight beside the Towermen and their comrades."

"It is as the Shogun says. I would like to spar just a bit with both Ronald and Tonka, to get a feel for their techniques. Then the three of us would simulate combat against five or six guardsmen-- as if, meaning no offense to your guards, the guards were treasonous rebels."

Wajitujit approving of this, Ronald of Goliad and Donnie Tonka were provided with practice weapons close in length to their own side swords. A shorter bamboo rod, about poniard size, was also given to Ronald. Toshiram received a wooden sword clearly designed to resemble his steel blade. Ronald and Donnie had both noticed before now that it was a "hand and a half" sword: able to be wielded with one hand if the user were strong enough, but with enough hilt length to permit two-handed use. When everyone was ready, Toshiram asked his guests to simulate attacking him together with their rapiers (plus poniard in Ronald's case).

In the course of nearly four minutes, Toshiram fought purely defensively, analyzing Ronald's and Donnie's thrusts and parries. During this, the clan chief changed back and forth between right-handed, left-handed and two-handed swordplay. Ronald thought to himself: Toshiram would stand a good chance of winning against me alone, or against Donnie alone, but both of us together would take him.

Eventually, Toshiram stepped backwards, laying his wooden sword on the grass, then faced his sovereign.

"My lord and master, I can briefly state the advantage and disadvantage of their sword method. The disadvantage for their swords-- leaving out consideration of Ronald's left-hand knife-- is, of course, the fact that always using only one arm cuts in half the power they can exert on the attack. Their compensating advantage is that, with only one hand on the hilt, they can turn their body side-on to me. This means that much of their body is harder for me to reach; whereas, as long as I fight two-handed, I am offering them a greater spread of targets to stab than their bodies offer me to cut."

"So," replied the Shogun, "their consistent one-hand grip, suited for thrusting, makes them to some degree the functional equivalent of spearmen."

"Even so, my sovereign. Perhaps, if some-- not all, but some-- of your swordsmen learned the rapier method, they could keep enemies in battle unsure of what to expect."

This subject was not about to be exhausted in one day; but Toshiram, Ronald and Donnie did spend at least half an hour simulating defenders in a gap, holding against men who all wielded swords in the two-handed mode. Even Boshiru, Zoralee and Talusek were invited to join in as aggressors (the latter two not attempting to fight in samurai style). Every participant was "killed" at least three times, and great fun was had by all.

When the exercise was winding down, Zoralee grabbed an opening to fling her arms around Ronald's neck and kiss him. When she pulled back, he gave her a cordial nod-- leaving her frustrated at his non-committal reaction. The gunslinger-knight surely did not HATE being kissed by her, but he was keeping his precise feelings to himself.

Later, when she grumbled to her brother about Ronald leaving her up in the air, Billyboy answered her with uncharacteristic coolness: "That's no worse than your keeping Felipe Catalano in the air, all those years while his magical fact-finding was helping you to solve mysteries."
 
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BACK IN THE DUNE-BASED ARC..........

Just before Batfellow's posse departed Planet Gumwad, the pacified Block Atom had unearthed the buried Starhatch. Cyberdork had reprogrammed this galactic-travel device, rendering it unable ever again to connect with Planet Lousy Sekondhanstor where the deposed Calamari Emperor lived in exile. Cyberdork had then identified two unpeopled worlds with Earth-like environments and compatible vegetation. These worlds were swarming with dangerous counterparts of dinosaurs; but cautious visitors would be able to bring back specimens of edible plants which (after being checked for disease-bearing microbes) could be farmed on Gumwad.

When the heroes who had thwarted the Hotblood Matrons' conquest had left the star system, and Block Atom had gone his own way with Princess Serrimu, Luchador Hidalgo and Giles Magg had remained, and were soon joined by several Ashtrayides personnel who had been transported by the now-subjugated Spaced-Out Guild. In charge of these highly-skilled workers was Tutti Howizzit, the Mentalcat daughter of Tofu Howizzit who had served Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable.

Among the surviving Penny Jezebels of Gumwad was a certain Jennifer Avatar-Conifer, a botanist, who was a natural to work at verifying the safety of imported vegetation. She got on well with Tutti Howizzit. Their work would also be applied to improving conditions on Greedy Crime, the former Snarkonnen homeworld. Jennifer's widowed father, Sabbatar Avatar-Conifer, was the colony's chief repairman for solar panels. Sabbatar, like his daughter, was not inclined to cut any slack for the captured Hotbloods, because they had slain his wife Guinevere Avatar-Conifer, Jennifer's mother.

Giles Magg, the Goulash clone gifted with super-speed excelling what The Jalapeno by itself could produce, was the primary overseer for the Hotbloods. In the many months since we last looked at Gumwad, Giles had often been compelled to "reason" with these beautiful-but-evil war criminals in the language they understood best: ruthless force. By this time, three of every five Hotbloods in the hard-labor gangs had suffered a broken arm or comparable injury at Giles' hands, and they had never even seen him coming. But Miles was guided by the sense of justice he had received from Duke Neato; he would never punish one of the Hotbloods, nor permit one to be punished, unless the woman in question was clearly guilty of deliberate disobedience.

His job was made easier by the fact that the Hotblood Matrons retained solidarity with each other. No Hotblood under his command wished any harm to another, so Giles never needed to figure out who was in the wrong in an altercation.

Very slowly, the humiliated would-be goddesses had begun to grasp the fact that Giles was actually SAVING their lives by his harsh but non-lethal punishments. Sabbatar Avatar Conifer often stood guard shifts over them; and he was always armed with a deadly particle-beam weapon. He stood far enough away from the captives, and his gun had a wide enough aperture, that even a Hotblood would never be able to reach him before his particle fire toasted her to death. Sabbatar, in fact, would begin his every watch tour by saying to the captives, "Please try something. PLEASE give me an excuse to kill you." And other Gumwadders doing guard shift with him always took positions where they would not be hit if he did open fire.

Once, about two weeks before we pick up the narrative, one Hotblood had buried herself in sand, hoping to take Sabbatar by surprise as she sprang up. Sabbatar, however, knew about such tricks; and once he confirmed by radio that no friendly person was hiding in that spot, he had fatally cooked the overconfident man-hater where she lay. "How considerate of her to provide her own grave."

Compared to this, Giles' punishments were almost like pampering. But now, as our story settles back into a real-time pace, we switch to depicting Luchador Hidalgo, who was also armed with a high-powered energy weapon, and who had his own special assignment.

The Seedubb-native wrestler-hero's job was keeping the siblings of the monster Plasstar in line. Danrufi, Belchari and Eetbeenzar were intimidated by him, because he was immune to their air-defiling powers. Luchador, with a few assistant guards, was overseeing the trollish beings as they constructed new storage buildings according to Gumwadder specifications.....
 
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The hulking siblings were being given a rest break. Gumwad was no such dry, scorching place as Srirachiss, but anyone can get thirsty anyplace. An antigravity hovercart with jugs of water approached, being steered by a woman unfamiliar to the Mexican hero.

"Luchador Hidalgo? I am Nellybel Cradmith, an assistant to Mentalcat Howizzit. I was many parsecs away when all the excitement happened here; and as you know, what WE know as 'THE Empire' has never had any non-human sapient beings living in it. Since your three prisoners are the only non-human sapients currently on Gumwad, and since I am advised that they can speak with us, I would very much like to speak with them."

Luchador looked at the three armed Penny Jezebels doing guard duty with him, saying, "Stand by." Then he made a radio call to Sister Tramsish, one of the more senior Jezebels. "Tramsish, this is Luchador. You probably know that Miss Howizzit's assistant wanted to interview Plasstar's relatives."

"So I heard. I believe it will do no harm for Miss Cradmith to question them. Use your own judgment."

"Very well, Tramsish; listen in to hear what I'll say to the prisoners." Luchador spoke more loudly, to be heard both by the troll-types and by the Penny Jezebel on the radio:

"Kins-creatures of Plasstar the Malignant! An associate of the visiting Mentalcat wishes to learn more about you three. If you are cooperative toward her, you will have extra time off work without penalty. Help yourselves to water now."

Without having stated this openly, Nellybel was wearing a personal energy-shield; since none of the three captive monsters had a blast-shooting power like their big brother, there was no danger of the shield annihilating its own user. The young lady calmly posed highly reasonable questions about the creatures' origin. Facts that she collected included the following:

--- The four supervillain siblings had not appeared in a vacuum; there was a RACE they belonged to, though not a numerous race. On their native planet, there was a population of about six hundred of their kind. Their big brother Plasstar was among the ten or twelve most powerful individuals in the current adult generation.

--- Their planet, named Sh'fum-T'koot, was home to numerous monsters which were like much smaller versions of the creatures in Original-Earth Japanese monster movies. So the intelligent Sh'fum-T'kooters needed their assorted "stand-off" defenses to avoid being devoured.

--- At some past time, several of the more powerful Sh'fum-T'kooters, equals to Plasstar, had found ways-- possibly other Starhatches-- to migrate to other galaxies. None had returned; this could plausibly mean that they had found better conditions for life than life on Sh'fum-T'koot.

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
 
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At the main Srirachian spaceport, Captain Kracknuk and Sister Fluralida were urgently requested to go to the living quarters of Bunkem Isotope and Trala-Lalia. The sister of the late Paul Muddy-Drip and of Groan Starr had experienced a disturbing vision.

"Thank you for coming promptly. As you are already aware, my nephew Stillneater has long experienced alarming visions of the possibility that he could become a horrid monster. Now that we all know the unfortunate link between our own sub-universe and the nihilistic visions of that Original Earth novelist Frank Herbert, we have been taking seriously the danger to our poor young Duke. Bunkem here has written two alternate versions of a possible constitution for Ashtrayides territory-- meaning this planet, Waterpark, and Greedy Crime."

"Even though the late Muddy-Drip scoffed at the idea of a constitution?" asked Kracknuk.

"BECAUSE my unfortunate brother-in-law scoffed at it," Bunkem replied. "Poor Paul was being manipulated by evil powers which want our story-reality to conform to the most unhappy elements of Mister Herbert's darkened imagination. Anyone with five brain cells to call his own should be able to see that a rule of law, in which leaders can be made to answer for their conduct of office, is immeasurably better than compelling fifty or more WHOLE GENERATIONS of humanity to suffer under the control of a warped monster who is cruel ON PURPOSE.

"We can take some comfort from the fact that, unlike those novels, OUR Paul was at least able, after his death, to appear to Stillneater and warn him AGAINST the False-Gold Path which Paul had been tricked into imagining. But we need to keep the cause of representative government moving ahead, so that Stillneater will have something to work with."

"All true," Fluralida agreed. "But none of this is entirely new to us." Looking at Trala: "Did you not receive some NEW premonition?"

"Yes. Not only are we being affected by Frank Herbert's novels; we are also being affected by the continuation books written after Mister Herbert's death. I have in mind the Goulash clone of my noble father."

Kracknuk winced. "What, is Giles Magg ALSO going to become a monster?"

"No indication of that; but Giles might be doomed to SUFFER something monstrous." Lowering her gaze, Trala wept at the thought of undeserved calamity befalling the innocent Goulash clone who preserved so much of Duke Neato's goodness.

Bunkem took over explaining: "In one of those extra novels, General Miles Teg-- the template for Giles Magg in our storyverse-- acquires a super-speed power like that given to our Giles, and tries to use it to save his comrades from their foes. He makes elaborate efforts to achieve a complicated scheme that would protect them..... only to die of exhaustion, with his plan unfinished."

"That stinks!" exclaimed Kracknuk.

"To be sure," sighed Fluralida, "things do sometimes turn out that way in real life. But yes, I think it IS cruel of a storyteller to depict such futility ON TOP OF everything else also going wrong for the characters. Trala-Lalia of the Spoon, and Mentalcat Isotope: Kracknuk and I, with others of like mind, will do anything in our power to spare Giles, AND Stillneater, from these monstrous wrongs."
 
= = = = = = = = = = =

In the extradimensional stronghold of Hopecrusher Central, Kuth-Hula-Hoop expressed its exasperation to a fiend called Gagsludge.

"These mortals are smarter than they have any right to be! We need to silence truth-seekers like this Trala-Lalia, or there'll be a %\#)?^/@!!! epidemic of mortals receiving hope and inspiration!"

Gagsludge gave a philosophical shrug. "Even if we could abolish every work of uplifting fiction, we would never be able to eliminate-- UGH-- the Bible."

"Tell me something I don't know," rumbled the tentacled nightmare. "But fiction has a significance of its own. We have succeeded in reducing humans' ATTENTIVENESS TO the Bible; but as that }:**/<@>!! Lewis fellow proved, mortals not yet interested in the Bible may still be nudged in that direction by insightful works of storytelling. Why else have we encouraged ignorant mortal novelists to propagate OUR lies for us? As when we snookered that idiot Michael Moorcock into arguing that no deity could exist WITHOUT humans making it up in their own minds."

"Well, then, are you calling for another direct intervention on the material plane?"

"I wish I could recommend that with confidence. But we just got done losing Screendoormammu, Queen of the Goshdarned, and Pheebwallabrish, after losing Smackback over on Terra. We have no choice but to make better use of mortal pawns."

Gagsludge brightened. "Then let's reassign Drigum Namdre to the Frank Herbert-related sub-reality! He's a natural."
 
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On the outskirts of the Cosmic Federation in the "second" galaxy---

The cyborg Chutnykorn and the Spacebullion good guy Rip Tellus were straining their brains trying to figure how they could hasten the bringing of reinforcements for the side of good in this "Blake's Seven"-derived story-reality..... when a holographic image appeared, of a man with a helmet concealing his face.

"Don't be alarmed! I'm on the side of good like you! My name is Hector von Bootblack; I'm a sort of chaotic-good sorcerer. I have to limit my interventions in the Never-Stopping Story; but since you already have prospects for assistance, I can help you to BRING that assistance much more quickly."

To relate it briefly, Hector magically teleported them all to Planet Spacebull, where Captain Tellus was able to report to his leader Lesha Slater that the time-reviewing device had proven immensely helpful. Hector hastily introduced himself to the Spacebullion head of state, and told her: "I'll see to it that Royurbota's party receives the aid they require; and since Rip Tellus has been PART OF these events, you will be able to use the past-oscope later to see how things turned out. I'll psychically communicate with our potential allies on Planet Freesoil, to let them know why we're coming to them."

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

John Cardsharper, the hero based on Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Barsoom" stories, was the opposite of the elsewhere-depicted Sally Kipper: John was struggling with learning to send out thoughts, but was outstanding at picking them up. He was thus the first person to receive the mental call from Hector von Bootblack. He told those near him; and Slick "Former Dark Headgear" Mudpackis did likewise when he received the communication, as did Lylah, Krayzee and Princess Serrimu.

Giving the gist to her lover Block Atom, Serrimu added: "Hector von Bootblack says he knows all about you AND Captain Sha-Na-Na from the wizard Mazash. Hector understands that you are allowed to use force when it is justified; he elaborates that, since the regime of Coordinator Scurvylaff is MAJORLY wicked and bad, the binding upon you should allow you to do things which MIGHT kill evildoers, provided you still TRY not to kill anyone."

"Will Mazash lend any aid in this business himself?"

"This much at least: he will boost Hector's magic for the teleportation. Hector says it will work more easily if persons who can't survive on their own in vacuum-- which means all of us here except you-- pile on board the ships we have parked here at the settlement. The magic-users will transport all the ships to whatever place the cyborg reckons is best for us to appear. This includes Royurvbota Quardimo's party. After that, freedom fighters in the other galaxy should be able to pick up the slack. And if our narrator is overlooking anything, he'll retcon it that Mazash takes care of that also."
 
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The reader may recall that Braskorim the long-armed Ziblamot, one of the good guys in the "Blake's Seven" parody though not one of the Seven, was being a distraction for the bad guys. He was pretending NOT to know that the Stellar Coordinator was herself responsible for the dumbing down of most human males in the Federation. With others who at least weren't actively part of the evil plot, he was continuing a pretense of searching for leads in the mystery-- ANYWHERE BUT in places where clues really would have turned up.

As we pick up the action, Braskorim is on a Federation planet not previously seen in the story. Call it Poobeedoo (a private joke for the author, hardly worth explaining). The indigenous people here had disk-shaped bodies, held half a meter above the ground on six legs around the rim. They had eyes on their body-rims, placed between limbs. They could move in a sort of rolling fashion, or they could walk and run on any opposite-placed pair of limbs. Their feet were prehensile, and they could lean to any side so as to let any two adjacent feet operate as a pair of hands.

Because their view of life was omnidirectional, Poobeedoorans had a hard time thinking in terms like "front" and "behind." So the Federation had never gone to any pains to include them in any activity which might, for instance, require a distinction between "left turn" and "right turn." Their principal role in Federation commerce was their skillful production of textile products, made from plants resembling flax and cotton. They had historically been paid well enough for their exports that they all had a decent standard of living..... although, just since the stupidizing of male humans, the Scurvylaff administration had been levying new taxes on interstellar shipping, "to support medical care for the human victims of the Green Flashlights' evil scheme."

This taxation, of course, would have been justifiable-- if the Scurvylaff administration had not itself BEEN the culprit in the dumbing down.

At a sort of visitors' center near the landing field, Braskorim approached the equivalent of an information-desk person, and asked if she could call up video of the alleged intimidation visit by Green Flashlights. When she played it on a flat screen (Poobeedoo had no holograph suites), the video depicted humanoids of an unfamiliar kind, using their green beams to shatter trees.

Thank the Creator that they at least didn't kill any of the little rollers.

Braskorim copied the video on a device of his own, thanked the hostess, and asked if her people needed any outside medical help. She thanked him, but confirmed that the alien bullies had confined themselves to property damage.

The big Ziblamot forwarded the imagery to the Peace Commanders via subspace digital signal. He did not tell anyone, even his own companions, one detail he had noticed in the video. He had learned that all Green Flashlights who HAD hands, would wear their power device on the BACK of one hand. But the supposed Green Flashlights who had troubled Poobeedoo had THEIR beam-producing artifacts embedded in the PALMS of their hands.
 
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