Roleplay By Monologues

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Just then, our other heroes, former Civil War enemies Confederate Officer Beauregard T Beauregard (the T stood for "Beauregard") and Federal Colonel Eugene Templeton Singleton rushed Washington DC fully intending to stop this silly candidate from effecting his takeover.
"We didn't kill or maimed over 600,000 Americans for this!" Said the Confederate officer.
"Or throw pies at that little girl for nothing either," replied Singleton.

Meanwhile, the Pippin-like drummer boy kept alternating between the the Battle Hymn of the Republic and Dixie trying to rally the few Americans who still believed in their country.
 
Some 700 of the current crop of 13-year-old girls, out on quests that only they could understand, heard Pippin's call. Being well-intentioned children for all their juvenile vanity, they came riding to join the Civil War veterans in opposing the menace to constitutional government. But when the corrupt candidate saw them coming, he simply shouted "CHANGE!"--and the girls instantly decided he could not possibly be evil. It must be the big oil corporations who were misrepresenting him. So the girls all scattered once more on their self-absorbed quests.
 
Meanwhile, Walden Media was holding screen tests for their new revisionist "Three Musketeers" movie. The lucky actor chosen to star as D'Artagnan, a tuberculosis survivor who weighed barely 110 pounds, won the part because his arms were literally too skinny and weak to hold up a sword for more than four seconds. Delighted to have found a sufficiently unmanly D'Artagnan, the director assured his new star, "You can do your scenes with your hand empty; we'll fill in the sword with CGI. And you won't even have to mime fencing for long at a time; in the script, you lose every fight you get into, including against a three-year-old girl."
 
The pencil-necked geek starring as D'Artagnan (still twice as muscular as Copperfox had been in high school in real life) soon was introduced to the almost equally unimposing actors who were to play his musketeer friends. In a feeble token pretense that the movie had some relationship with the book, the name of D'Artagnan was being kept as it was. But the other heroes' names were being changed to Doofus, Porkroast and Limpwrist. The battlecry of The Three Klutzateers was to be, "All useless to one, and one useless to all!"
 
Upon hearing about these new heroes, all the thirteen-year-old girls suddenly stopped their quests and came in and began to fight for the right to recruit these witless heroes as their sidekick. They realized that these would be the perfect fools in which to try their awesome feminine power of "persuasion."
 
The arrival of the horsegirls gave the Walden Media executives a further inspiration. They offered to cast the bulk of the girls as female members of the Cardinal's Guards, while selecting three to be female versions of Richelieu, Rochefort and Jussac. That way, D'Artagnan and the Klutzateers could be getting their clocks cleaned by 13-year-old girls from start to finish of the film.
 
Suddenly a man came running on his skates. It was the long time ago retired wayne Gretzky. He heard Walden Media was going to hold screentests.

" I'm here!!! Take me! I can dom the job!"

And Wayne placed two hockeynets and showed his impressive hockey skills.
But when he thought he was finished Mario Lemieux showed up followed by Bobby Orr.

" Hey! I'm in for this!"

Lemieux pushed Wayne aside and replaced the hockeynets with his own Pittsburgh Penguins nets and he showed his hockey skills as well. Of course Bobby couldn't stay behind and he too replaced the nets and showed his skills.

" We would make a good team! The three musketeers....what more do you want?"

The Walden Media agents shook their heads.

" Yes...you are most certainly with three of you but what has Hockey to do with Three Musketeers?"

Mario Lemieux stepped forward.

" Well....a certain navy veteran named FoxCopper created this ridiculous RPG and the meaning is to stay off topic as much as possible. So we are the three Musketeers and our slogan is One puck for us all and all pucks in your net".

The 13 year old girls started to yell BOOOOO! They didn't like the idea of having three sportsmen as three musketeers. They rather wanted people like the Jonas brothers, Skandar, Will and Ben to play them. It didn't matter if the boys couldn't act as long as they were goodlooking and most important young and single.
The Walden Media director found some new inspiration. Three Hockeyteers would be a great new movie.

" But we already have three females to play the roles".

" So what? This means we already have enough stuff for a second movie".

Emmett who watched all of this shook his head.

" I still don't get it. Why are those hockeyplayers here?"

" Why not? You can also ask why those girls are here".

" It's not the point they are here but I mean you play hockey on ice but have you seen ice hear nearby?"

Suddenly Jackie Chan showed up and he did one of his famous moves.

" HAAYYYY---AYYYYYY--YAAHH!!!"

He kicked his left leg in the air and made a twist followed by a salto and suddenly it started to snow and everything turned into ice.

Emmett looked surprised.

" How did you do that?!"

" Normally when I do this kick I do the salto first and then the twist but I changed them and this is the result".

Gretzky, Lemieux and Orr were impressed and jumped on the ice. Jackie Chan asked if they wanted his autograph. Then Chuck Norris showed up and did the same moves as Jackie did. But then the weather changed. It began to storm and lightning was everywhere.
All the 13 year old girls seaked shelter and screamed. They were afraid some werewolfs or vampires might eat them.

Emmett took his gun and pointed at Chuck Norris. He fired a shot and Bugs Bunny jumped out. Bugs Bunny rushed upto Chuck.

" Napoleon! My brother!! It's so good to see you! Oh my Napoleon! Come here and hug me! Come, come, come!!"

Chuck Turned out to have a Bunnyphobia and ran away followed by Bugs. The weather changed into the snow decoration again. And the girls left their shelter.

Mario Lemieux was not amused.

" This is bad for my skates! Will it stay like this or will we able to skate?"

Jackie Chan -still doing his famous jumps- looked up.

" As long Chuck stays away you'll be fine".

Emmett shook his head again.

"Don't you know? It's not up to you but up to the poster there".

Emmett pointed at the poster of this reply.

" She creates this part right now. So if you want to keep your skates safe you must ask her"

Lemieux looked up to the poster and shook his fist.

" If you try to harm my skates then I will no longer cooperate in this RPG"

Mario went back on the ice but the ice sank below his feet and Mario sank as well. He climbed up and saw he was the only one who did sank. All others were dry and nothing special happened to them.

" Do you understand now?"

" Yes Emmett, you are right......Is everybody doing the same over here?"

" Yes, because everybody creates their own part".

" Well...if she wants me to continue to play Three Hockeyteers she must keep my skates dry".

Then Donkey Kong came by and asked if Walden Media studios were far away in the land of Far, far away.
 
At this point, about half of the 13-year-old real-world girls who were portraying the 13-year-old roleplay-girls gave up the whole thing and went back to watching music videos. They had wanted all roleplaying to be a path of least resistance, not stretching their minds at all; but when they saw the amount of creativity and imagination and humor Mrs. Gil-Galad Took was showing, they felt as outclassed as the geeky new D'Artagnan felt by the hockey players and martial artists.

But that still left Walden Media enough 13-year-old girls to carry out their politically-correct projects.
 
While all the armies Mary Sues and Margarets stalked Will, Skandar and Ben to the very corners of the earth where they found the tree of life at Disney World where they pretended to be wooden animals to shake the stalkers off.
 
Emmett the gunslinger, having achieved security and respectability in the restaurant business, began to feel the hankering to find a wife. He tactfully avoided mentioning this to his Navy friend, who was getting nowhere at warp speed in this department. But Emmett did proceed to place ads in the Personals columns of numerous newspapers, describing himself truthfully as being trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

Hundreds of single women saw Emmett's ad. Half of them saw nothing wrong with Emmett, but simply were too comfortable in their current routines to bother with meeting a stranger. The other half said to themselves, "Yuck! If he's THAT good, then how would I ever manage to complain about him and feel sorry for myself?"
 
A warped adolescent boy, whose only knowledge of Narnia is from the Walden movies, and whose only "knowledge" of Christianity is from "The Da Vinci Code," has been following this thread without posting. Suddenly, in an impulsive reaction to posts which have accurately affirmed that Aslan IS supposed to BE the Second Person of the Trinity merely with a different external form, this boy writes:


Yoo're awl stupiid! Aslun isn't Jesus! EVREYBODY KNOWZ that Aslun is Mufasa frum "The Lyon Knig!" I'll bett none of yuu even undorstand the Sirkle of Life! I'm kwiting this dumb fourum and gowing whare peeple are SMARRT lyke me!! I knwo I'm smart, bekause my fammly is all voating for the gyy whu sayz "CHAENG!"
 
One of the former sexy vampires, now human again by the grace of Aslan, got a job as an ambulance driver. He was in awe over the change in his own existence. He had gone from being a creature designed to destroy life (though he had been commendably restraining himself), to being a man who could help to SAVE life. He would not now have gone back to being a vampire for ANYTHING.
 
In a dark cave near Spotsylvania Court House, a lonely bat was quietly and secretly making plans to combat all this vampire nonsense that had plagued TDL. He saw that the mods were locking every vampire thread, and he was glad, however, he still had a chip on his shoulders because almost every vampire story portrayed his kind in a bad light.

He finally decided how he was going to fight this. He scoured nearby barns and farmhouses and was able to procure enough fabric to make himself a disguise he would use as his alter ego.

When he showed it to his butler, the butler said:

"But Sir, it looks like a bat costume to me."

"Exactly!" said the bat, most vampire fans will be clueless once they see me with this."

And wihout any fanfare, a new RP by Monologues super hero was born:

BAT-BAT !
 
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It soon became evident that Bat-Bat had a special superpower that served to neutralize criminals without needing to harm them: he could cause them to go into such terrible fits of stuttering that they couldn't do anything threatening.
 
A drunk, seeing Bat-Bat's wings casually half-unfolded as he walked, mumbled, "Hey, Mishter, yer coat'sh a li'l bit loose on ya; didja lose some weight?"
 
Bat-Bat was confident of walking down any street because he knew that the other super heroes, Super-Duper Man, Emmett, Chuck Norris, and even the retired squid and the civil war officers will back him up and help him defeat dumb candidates and evil vampires.
 
So he tried out one of his powers: carefully taking hold of the drunk, he sucked ONLY the alcohol out of his veins, leaving his blood intact where it belonged. The drunk was sobered up, but Bat-Bat decided it wouldn't be a good idea for him to try flying for awhile. So he stepped into The Octopus Garden for one of Copperfox's famous vegetarian dinners. Bat-Bat, after all, was part fruit bat on his mother's side.
 
Bat-Bat of course wanted to seat as far away from all the crowd and in the darkest area of the Octopus Garden. Just then, a "B" rated vampire-story writer happened to seat himself at the table nearest Bat-Bat. The writer sat there unaware that our new superhero had laid eyes on him from the very moment he had walked into the restaurant. We can all imagine how that went for the luckless fool!
 
Elsewhere in the world, completely ignoring all of the fascinating writing and character development that had been going on in the previous postings, a 13-month-old hamster set out on a quest that only he understood. Unfortunately, the only vehicle he had was his hamster-wheel and no matter how fast he ran on it he never seemed to get any closer.

"Hey!" he squeaked. "That's just not fair!"
 
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