Roleplay By Monologues

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But because this RP thread was begun in the first place as a reaction to players who recklessly contradict existing posts--the flower comes back to life in THIS post! (Feel free to have it be dead again in the NEXT post if you're feeling contrary.)
 
The flower that was now alive grew and grew and grew and grew until it was so large that it touched the Earth's atmosphere and burned up.
 
Touched the Earth's atmosphere? Wasn't it already within the atmosphere from the time it sprouted? But even if it was, go ahead and SAY that it was in outer space; the more contradictions, the better!
 
Far above the Earth the satellite 3454309G floated along, minding its own business and broadcasting inane reruns of Gilligan's Island to all the grateful inhabitants of the polynesian islands beneath it - until a massive flower inexplicably shot up through the atmosphere and knocked it out of orbit.

Falling through the atmosphere surrounded by burning bits of charred plantlife it still stubbornly broadcast Gilligan, though now its orientation had been rotated so many degrees it was only the inhabitants of Venus who now heard "Gilligan! Where are my coconuts!" and witnessed the Skipper's whacking Gilligan's head with his hat.
 
The Venusians were practicing their karate when the comunicators all started comming through the Gilligan's Island. Taking this as a threat they sent a space craft to earth and landed in the middle of Eowyn and Faramir's still ongoing wedding.
 
While riding about looking for signs of vampires so he could tell them about Aslan's offer to make them human, Emmett (the gunslinger, not the Back To The Future character) happened at one point to ask a middle-aged woman what time it was. Unfortunately, he had asked this question of the actress who used to play the hyper-abrasive leading female character on the politically-correct program "Northern Exposure."

Purposely hiding her watch from Emmett's view, she glared bitterly at him. "You don't fool ME!" she snapped. "I know what YOU'RE up to! If I tell you what time it is, you'll go tell all your buddies that you really found out the time by yourself, WITHOUT needing a woman to tell you! You sexist jerks are all alike--denying the superior achievements of women just so you can puff up your own lousy egos! Well, it won't work with ME! They may have cancelled my show because a few Neanderthals didn't like it, but I don't have to tell you the time! I'm still superior to every man in everything, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"

Emmett blocked her attempt to punch him in the nose, but did not retaliate. In view of the rate of contradictions in this RP, he was confident that, precisely by his leaving her unharmed in this post, the obnoxious actress would soon drop dead in another one.
 
The next thing he knew, Emmet found himself in the desert, and he was riding a horse with no name. In addition, he could not remember his name and there was no one there for to give him no pain.

After nine days, he let the horse run free cause the desert had turned to sea. Then he noticed that there were plants and birds and rocks and things, and sand and rings and hills.

"Wow," thought Emmet, "the ocean is a desert with it's life underground." After that, he found a perfect disguise above.

Then suddenly he found himself in a spaceship and when the aliens probed him to see what they could learn from cowboys, Emmet began to tell his tale.
"You see, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name," he said to the aliens. "It felt good to be out of the rain."

While doing this, Emmet figured out that his tale made really cool but stupid lyrics and a catchy tune began to play in his head. He began to sing this song that he titled "I Need A Name For My Horse." Before he was halfway over, the aliens all dropped dead because the song made their brains melt.

But not all aliens died. The ones who survived had that stupid tune stuck to their heads for ages. :D:D:D;)
 
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And those aliens who were worst affected found their bodies shrivelling; so they encased themselves in movable metal canisters and began screeching, "Exterminate! Exterminate!"
 
And some of those Aliens discovered that Emmet was a cowboy from the United States, so some were saying "Exterminate America!"
They hated Emmet's country so much that they plotted to have some weirdo run for president promising "change." The take over was in his initial stages.
 
The invaders' agent, who had no talent except repeating the word "Change" instead of the word "Exterminate," had a quite crafty wife. When Earthlings began to notice the evil invaders killing people, the wife commanded the Earthlings to feel guilty for being bigoted against those different from themselves.

But meanwhile, in order to preserve the randomness of this RP, an 18-year-old girl was riding on a CAMEL on a quest of her own that only she understood.
 
"Behold! I am the camel of Doooooooom!" cried a large camel with an eyepatch over one eye to prove he was evil and generally up to no good.

Leading a veritable army of camels bent on mayhem and mucking up everyone's relaxed Saturday schedules they lurched out of the desert, pushed forward by a vile eastern wind that bode ill. Of course, they bode a fair bit of ill themselves and soon the entire bordering mountainous country was coughing with the ill that the camel-army bode.

A lone camel stood against them, a brave Narnian camel.

"You'll never take our land, never! Unless you can rid me of this girl on my back, in which case I might seriously consider stepping aside and saving us all a lot of trouble."
 
The Venusians noticed that the Daleks were invading Earth at the time as well and left back to Venus.

The Daleks were screeching "Exterminate" and "Exterminating" anything that came in their path.

All of the hedgehogs died except for the bald one who was busy being ridden by a 13 year old girl who was on a sol quest to which only she knew the purpose.

Wolverine and Cyclops were a bit upset as a very vicious Dalek "exterminated" their new ace cards.
 
Charging up to fight back against both the Daleks and the evil camels came Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xena the Warrior Princess, River Tam from "Firefly," the female Starbuck from the revisionist "Battlestar Galactica," THREE Hallie Berrys as Catwoman and Storm and her James Bond character, the kung-fu characters played by Zhang Zi-Yi and Michelle Yeoh in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," the mother-daughter team from "Sanctuary," all of Charlie's big-screen Angels, Susan Ivanova from "Babylon Five," Catherine Zeta-Jones' character from Antonio Banderas' Zorro movies, Rachel Weisz's character from the Mummy movies, Keira Knightley as Guinevere, the redhaired heroine from "The Fifth Element," Leela from the older Doctor Who programs, and various versions of Wonder Woman, Red Sonja, Emma Peel, the She-Hulk, Pippi Longstocking, etc.

Each and every one of these women simultaneously exclaimed, "Behold, I am the FIRST AND ONLY woman EVER to be depicted as tough and self-reliant; therefore, I alone will now save the world!" Only then did each one realize how many others were making the same boast.

So they all started fighting each other instead, and were no help at all in saving the world.
 
Movie Arwen suddenly met Book Arwen and they began fighting about who was better.

"You stole my father, brother, and friends's job!" Book Arwen said.

"But I got in the movie more!" Movie Arwen said.

"I was more likeable." Book Arwen pointed out.

"But I was on the cover!" Movie Arwen boasted.
 
This got the Daleks thinking. One asked, "Are any of us female?" They got so perplexed trying to figure this out that they paid no more attention to exterminating anyone. Doctor Who thus was able to walk up to each Dalek in turn, and with his sonic screwdriver he deactivated and removed each Dalek's weapons, dropping them into wheelbarrows pushed by Sarah Jane and her son. The Doctor was planning to convert the equipment into something nice and pacifistic.
 
Suddenly the girl player who posted exactly once near the beginning, the one who described her character as bellydancing and playing a bagpipe, comes back on after ages of stony silence, to complain:


You people moved on WITHOUT me! That's not FAIR!! You should all have sat on your hands, bottled up your ideas, and waited indefinitely until I felt like participating again! Just for that, I won't play my bagpipe at Faramir's wedding to Hallie Berry or whatever it was.
 
Thirteen-Year-Old-Girl-On-Lone-Quest Number 6,297 was riding through a standard enchanted forest when she was ambushed by P.E.T.A. activists. "Animal abuser!" they shouted. "Get down off of that poor exploited animal, and YOU carry him on YOUR back!"
 
Then, another player who also had posted at the very beginning 2 years ago, just returned again to the thread and said:

"I am lost:confused: Can someone give me an update? The 411? The skinny?

Of course she did not realize that the word skinny never did catch on since she last posted.

Some other player actually posted a very detailed update of what had been going on in the RP with directions to that player on what to do next. Of course that player ignored the directions and posted:


ooc: Thanks! Ok, heres my post.

She petted her horse again and waited for the others on the side of the road.

Then that player disappeared again for another two years.
 
Ignoring all that had gone before including all helpful and instructive postings that would indicate the contrary, a fat hedgehog waddled out from beneath its cabbage leaf and clambered onto the yellow watering can that Mr. MacGregor had left in his garden.

"Ware, 'ware!" it sang, swaying from side to side. "Beware o Peter Rabbit! I have beheld the making of the rabbit stew and all that remains is rabbit! Oooo, beware!!"

A slug slithered by and he stopped to slurp it up.
 
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