Roleplay By Monologues

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"But Prince Caspian was ruined in no way." Said Bob.

"Yes it was." Said Joe.

"You're both wrong. There is no true answer." Said Frank.
 
Once enough people agreed that "Prince Caspian" had not been ruined, Walden Media went into production of a movie about the American Revolution, in which George Washington was a doofus who couldn't do anything right. In the end, Washington was made to say that no one needed him because he was such a failure. Thomas Jefferson immediately took over--portrayed as a brooding teen-idol pretty-boy.

Next, Walden set out to make a movie about the life of Jesus Christ. There was just a SLIGHT alteration: Jesus only appeared for two minutes in the whole movie, and didn't do anything worth noticing.
 
By the time Thirteen-Year-Old-Girl-On-Solo-Quest Number 43,691 had had a horse issued to her, winter had started. So a great inspiration came unto her: HER quest that no one else understood would be to get to someplace warm on the Gulf Coast.
 
Meanwhile, on an out-of-the-way planet in the BBC universe, Rog Blake and his cousin Rowena were enjoying their honeymoon immensely...because Rowena actually loved HER NEW HUSBAND more than she had ever loved horses. If anyone raised an eyebrow at their marriage, they pointed out that neither the Bible nor Jane Austen actually forbade marriage between first cousins.

And later, their children turned out perfectly normal.
 
Riding across the desert on a Horse With No Name, several 13-year-old girls (stacked like cordwood) all wondered when they would each find the goal of their mysterious quests and also when the next water-fountain would be along, hopefully one of those with a handy little disposable cup dispenser on the side.

This went well enough until the Horse With No Name inadvertantly stuck a leg down a mutant gopher's hole and flipped the entire kit-n-kaboodle over its head into a patch of cacti.
 
The Lord Jesus Himself appeared in visible form to the unfortunate girls, telling them, "Here, My children, I'll heal you of your injuries." One of the girls, however, snapped back at the Incarnate Deity, "No! We don't need any rescuing by a MALE! We'll only let You help us if You turn into a woman!"

Being infinite in mercy and grace, the Lord Jesus didn't reduce the insolent adolescents to ashes; He contented Himself with simply healing the cactus plants of the damage THEY had suffered, as well as healing the leg of the Horse With No Name. Then He disappeared.

By the time Emmett the Silverado gunslinger came by, about ten minutes later, the girls had suffered enough in the process of trying to extract all the cactus needles, that they were willing to forgive Emmett for the crime of being male, and do him the queenly favor of permitting him to help get the rest of the needles out of their skin.
 
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"Ah say," drawled Emmett, "Ah never did see such a prickled bunch o' young whippersnappers as y'all. Youse stuck like a pork-u-pine in a pins-n-needles factory, haw haw!"

That said, the veteran cowpoke pulled his stetson down over his eyes and hitched up his buckskins then ambled off into the sunset. "The only town round here is thataway," he said. "I got some pliers in my toolshed i could pull those out with, if'n y' don' mind a little walk, 's only ten mile."
 
Jesus, being God, was aware that Emmett had the modesty not to want to facilitate the needle removal by removing the girls' clothing; so, honoring the gunslinger's chivalrous scruples, and taking pity on the 13-year-olds, He caused the whole town to be lifted up, carried through the air, and set down intact five yards in front of Emmett, complete with underground water tables being shifted to reconnect with the town wells.
 
Right about then, the surviving aliens of Emmet's silly tune "I Need A Name For My Horse" came up with the terrible idea of paying him back for almost frying their brains with the song. They decided to fight fire with fire.

"How about some yodeling?" said one of the Aliens name Gurgal

"You stupid!" responded another alien named Paralabara. "You've never seen the movie "Mars Attacks? The Martians got their brains fried too."

"Oh, yea," said Gurgal smacking himself on his huge forehead.

"Wait.... I go it... I got.... I GOT IT!" Said Paralabara.
"How about boy-bands?"

"Sure! Excellent idea!" Said Gurgal. "What can we name them?"

"I am not sure, but I would like some Mexican Menudo right about now."
 
Suddenly ET came by on his bike. This time alone. He dropped Elliot.

" ET phone home"

Gurgal looked. He never saw a bike like this before and checked his Earth encyclopedia.

" Hahahahaha! I want the same bike! This one belongs to the ancient time of 1982 or something"

ET became angry.

" It's mine! Hands off. ET rides bike. ET rides back home".

" You do what?! How on earth can you ride this bike back home ito space?"

" I'm an alien you know. That's why".

Gurgal thought about a way to get the same bike.
 
Once the 13-year-old girls had all the cactus needles pulled out, Emmett referred them to Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman, for further treatment. He was returning his pliers to the toolshed--and wondering about the little guy on the flying bicycle who passed overhead--when a graybearded gentleman walked up and asked him, "Sir, would you have a pair of wire cutters I could borrow just for a moment?"

"Reckon as how I do," said the gunslinger, fetching them. "What ya need 'em for?"

"Just this," replied the bearded man, a former sailor to judge by his way of walking. He brought a long-stemmed yellow rose into view, and used the wire cutters to clip off each and every thorn from the stem, then returned the tool with his thanks, adding: "I'm going to be asking a certain beautiful Dutch woman to dance a tango with me, holding this rose in her teeth, and I don't want her to hurt her mouth."

Emmett nodded. "I see. And is the rose yellow because you're from Texas?"

"I was once stationed in Texas, and I love that state," explained the Navy retiree; "but the reason for the color choice is that a yellow rose is for friendship. I wouldn't want the Dutch lady to feel pressured by my bringing her a RED rose too soon. She's a very good and refined lady, who deserves to be treated with an extra lot of respect."

"That sounds good," said the gunslinger approvingly. "If anything, it sounds TOO good. Where's the joke in it?"

"No joke," the bearded man admitted. "But even in THIS thread, I like to promote a bit of chivalry; that's why I invited YOU into this thread, because you were so chivalrous in your movie."
 
There was a collection of gasps, shrieks and "Hey, Al, take a look at this!" coming from around the town as the buildings shot into the air and then landed again.

"Yee-haw!" the local bar-fly said as he watched ten miles of desert suddenly fly underneath the creaky boardwalk of his town. The town flumped lightly into place with a poof of dust and he headed back through the swinging doors of the "Buffoon Saloon" for another shot of whatever it was that had made that happen.

"Gimmee a shot o' whatever made the town fly!" he demanded of the hapless bartender.

The bartender shrugged and pointed at the local parson out preaching a revival on the street. "I didn't do it, I think maybe he did!"
 
The parson said, "I didn't cause it myself, but I know Who did."

A woman called Shirley, who looked like she was trying to appear thirty years younger than she was, said, "Of course! It was the inner spirit of Oneness and Everything-ness, shining out of each of us, that did it!"

The parson sighed; clearly, he had heard this woman's gibberish before. "Actually, no, it wasn't."

The talk was still going on after the 13-year-old girls had emerged from Doctor Quinn's office. One girl told the barfly, "Actually, Jesus Christ did it; and much as I hate to admit it, He didn't have to change into a woman to be able to do it."
 
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Suddenly a squad of Neo-Nazi white-supremacist terrorists charged into town on dune buggies, intent on murdering the parson. Emmett, however, picked them all off with his Winchester and his Colt .45, leaving only one alive and merely winged.

The parson, a man who practiced what he preached, personally dug out the bullet from the surviving attacker's shoulder and bandaged the wound. "Why did you come here?" he asked the skinheaded thug.

"Well, there were three cells of Al-Qaeda terrorists WANTING to come here and kill you," the man replied. "But the show business establishment insists that there ARE NO Muslim terrorists--that the only terrorists to be found in the world are Neo-Nazi white supremacist Southern Baptists. The Al-Qaeda guys figured that a roleplay counted as show business, in which case they wouldn't be allowed here, so they asked us to do the job for them, even though we're not really caricature-Baptists."

The recently-patched-up 13-year-old girls talked among themselves about how awful and violent Emmett was for not having resorted to diplomacy through the United Nations. Then they helped themselves to the dune buggies, as an alternate form of transportation for lonely quests that no one could understand. But this left the Horse With No Name available for Emmett's use, which was timely. After saving the day, he felt this overpowering urge to ride off into the sunset, even though it was barely 2:00 in the afternoon.
 
Far far away in a galaxy Darth Vader looked down.

" I think it's time to go to the Earth and teach them a lesson"

Hayden Christensen steps out and disagrees.

" You can't go there. It's none of your business to go there. Stick your nose in your own business"

" Hey! That's impossible! You are supposed to play me and not to play against me"

" I have a lot of fangirls age 5 till 16 down there and I don't want you to take over my place!"

Vader grabs lightsaber and Hayden grabs baseball bat. A battle begins.
Pieces of the wooden bat flies through the air, vader's helmet flies through the air as well.

Palpatine comes up.

" Hey guys! Stop this! You are not supposed to leave Hayden and you Darth...keep your helmet on! Don't take it off until Luke fights against me".

" Then I can take this helmet off?"

" yes, you can...after you kill me"

Vader grabs Palpatine and kills him.

" Done! can I take it of now?"

Hayden escapes and flies to the Earth
 
Landing on Earth, the first person Hayden meets is a woman who has a strange, bewitching power--to make people believe two mutually contradictory statements at the same time.

In one breath she says, "My father being able to work and support his family was a wonderful example of the American dream." In the next breath she says, "America has been nothing but uninterrupted evil until just recently when my husband began campaigning; ONLY NOW is there ANYTHING here to be proud of."

"Wait a minute!" objects Hayden. "Even Palpatine's gobblegygook wasn't that senseless!"

The woman, and several hundred of her adoring listeners, all turn toward Hayden at the same time, and all in unison shout the single word: "CHANGE!!!"--after which they pay him no more heed, as if he has been sufficiently answered.
 
Hearing the overwhelming echoing cry of "CHANGE!" a horde of nannies shot over the horizon in a cloud of baby-powder, waving the equivalent of several square acres of nice soft thick nappies in their hands.

"Who needs a change?" the first one gasped just before she was lost in the thundering herd behind her.
 
"I need a change!" called out a girl not much older than two years. She had been rocking on a rocking horse, imagining that she was thirteen and off on a quest that no one else understood.
 
A stunt double appeared at that moment pushing Harrison Ford in a wheelchair. At 109 years old, Ford was still playing Indiana Jones because many Americans still thought it was cool and the movie establishment wanted to milk as much money from these poor saps and they were still filming "Indiana Jones And The Adult Diaper Stealing Mummy."
Nobody cared that HF was invalid (the movie was 99.% CGI anyway) and needed a diaper change every 30 minutes and had to nap 3 times a day.

"Here," said the stunt double to the nannies. "Thank you for coming, cause I'm sick of this job."
 
Sean Connery happened by just then. Despite having played Harrison Ford's father in one movie, Mr. Connery still could walk on his feet. When greeted by his erstwhile costar, Mr. Ford gawked, "How come YOU can still walk?"

Mr. Connery gave his patented roguish grin. "Maybe philosophical consistency has something to do with it. As that self-contradicting lady speechmaker over there will one day find out, self-contradiction is unhealthy in the long run. And you, Harrison, have been self-contradictory in your message to the public. As Indiana Jones, you use a gun at will despite not being a cop or a soldier; yet as the politically-correct Hollywood celebrity, you advocate forbidding honest citizens to have any means of defending themselves against predatory criminals."

"Yep, that's a darn sight self-contradictory," Emmett the gunslinger agreed over Mr. Connery's shoulder.
 
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