Roleplay By Monologues

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Meanwhile, Walden Media executives were meeting to discuss a new movie version of "The Three Musketeers." It would, of course, portray D'Artagnan and his three Musketeer friends as all stumbling over their own feet, unable to do anything right. And Planchet the valet would be reconceived as a broodingly handsome, dangerously sexy teenager for the girls in the audience to swoon over.
 
Sorry...can't resist it :D


Suddenly a canadian Hockeyplayer showed up next to Sean Connery.

" Who are you?"

" Me? I'm the Eric Lindros aka The Big E"

" But what are you doing here? Are you an actor?"

" Yes and no. You see, I'm a hockeyplayer so if you man I'm an actor this means no. But we hockeyers do fight a lot. But we don't really hate each other. You see? It's just a game. So here we do act".

Sean Connery shook his head.

" This can't be true"

" But it is! I'm real and I'm here. Look at my skates!"

" You fool! This ain't a hockey game! What are you doing here? My goodness..."

" Sorry...I'm just a hockeyplayer who suddenly popped out of nowhere"

" Let him disappear"

Voice from behind the desk fills the air.

" NO! I added him so don't eliminate him!"

" And who are you?"

" The writer of this post"
 
THIS POST ORIGINALLY CONTAINED RUSSIAN DIALOGUE, BUT I AM REMOVING THAT IN COMPLIANCE WITH MOD-COMPREHENSION POLICY. IF THEY EVER MAKE _ME_ A MOD, I'LL COME BACK HERE AND MAKE THIS POST THE WAY IT WAS, BECAUSE THEN THERE'LL BE A MOD WHO UNDERSTANDS IT.


The retired sailor who had previously spoken with Emmett now came up and tapped Mr. Connery on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir, but you're not the one who should be resenting Mr. Lindros, I am."

"Why is that?" asked the famous actor.

The Navy man sighed. "I had been hoping to take that Dutch lady out dancing; but with Eric Lindros here, I might as well be a cockroach for all the attention I'm going to get."

Mr. Connery immediately looked sympathetic. "Well, since this is YOUR post, you could always imagine that, say, Liv Tyler shows up and begs you to take her dancing."

The sailor pondered that. "Hmmm...the idea has merit. But maybe Gillian Norris from 'Lord of the Dance.' "

The two bearded gentlemen ended up walking off in a continued conversation, as the submarine veteran explained to the James Bond veteran why the Nautilus in "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" could not possibly have squeezed into the Venetian canals.
 
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MGGT was so preoccupied with her hockey star that she didn't even notice several hundred riders trotting into town and pulling up at the livery stable. All of them were 13-year-old girls (the ones who had taken the dune buggies were not among them). They all handed over their horses, reporting that they had all actually FOUND what they were looking for. The first horse to have been stolen from Emmett was among those being stabled; but Emmett wasn't there to notice, having already set out on the Horse With No Name to ride all the way to Virginia, so he could be in a time zone far enough east that the sun would be close to setting, so he wouldn't have to wait long to ride into the sunset.
 
Into the Narnian town of Byron-on-Wells pulled a huge limousine. Out of it stepped pop singer Madonna, who immediately cried out to the Talking Badgers, Foxes and Squirrels, "Here I am! Adore me! Worship me! Spend all your money on me!"

The Narnian beasts, however, did not even need to know how Madonna from the stage had expressed a wish for Sarah Palin to be physically harmed, to know what an obnoxious creature stood posturing before them. With shouts of, "We don't need ANOTHER witch!" they sent her fleeing with a barrage of pinecones.
 
"Change!" cried several nannies "Cha..." They were interrupted by a barrage of pinecones coming from the crowd of animals and horses that were surrounding a limousine. The nannies, used to wrangling biting babies and tripping toddlers, promptly held their nappies up in front of them and bounced the pinecones back. This had the interesting effect of causing all pinecones thrown to ricochet back again and again until they finally found their non-ricocheting target. Madonna disappeared beneath a mound of pinecones except for her head, which was one of the nicest and most modest outfits she'd worn in years.
 
Aslan Himself mercifully dug Madonna out from under the heap of pinecones. Her first words to Him were, "You're not something in the Kabbalah, are You?"

"No, I am not," replied the Great Lion. "I am He Whom you have desperately tried to ignore, except when obscenely mocking Me. Be warned that your time will run out, and then you will have to face Me with no cheering crowds around. Every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess."

Madonna defiantly tried to make a disgusting joke in reply, but Aslan, foreknowing her intention, teleported her back to her divorce case before she could say it.
 
"I say," a media mogul asked, elbowing his way through the crowd to see the giant talking lion, "We're looking to cast someone as Cardinal Richlieu in our new, updated, mod version of The Three Musketeers, what would you say to taking the part? Or alternately, you could be a lion-skin rug in front of his firepl...."

Everyone cringed as Aslan gave a (very small) roar, just enough to send the man's toupee flying off to a nearby tree, where it was happily gathered up by some robins to make a nest as soft as a throw-rug.

"You're making a new movie from an Alexander Dumas book?" one of the 13-year-old girls asked with excitement.

"Alexander who? It's a book?" the mogul said, working himself into a high dudgeon. "No one was supposed to leak the script so it could be made into a book! I demand to see this Dumas fellow in court!"
 
"The court you have in mind is not the court you should be worried about," rumbled Aslan; then He sent the media mogul back to Earth also, where (in His true identity as Jesus Christ) He planned to have some of His servants share the gospel of salvation with the man.

Unfortunately, the mogul's ego would not allow him to admit that he could possibly need God's forgiveness for anything. Soon, with heart more hardened than ever, he was planning a new Robin Hood movie: one in which Robin Hood would be so stupid and clumsy that he would die within the first three minutes of the script, by holding his bow backwards and shooting himself.
 
Meanwhile, in an entirely different part of the universe, a large blob of red jelly happily bounced up and down on a trampoline, unaware that a giant fleet of invaders from the planet Peanut-Butter would soon be arriving to end its idyllic existence.

--

"Aarrgh!" cried the pirate on a random pirate ship. "Walk th' plank, ye hedgehog!"

The small grey and pink creature obligingly waddled down the length of wood causing all of the pirates to go "awwwwwww" and commit mutiny against their commander to save the adorable little pincushion.
 
Meanwhile, the Russian Army had just finished destroying the Georgian Army, which was outgunned by the Russians something like twenty to one. Then the Russian soldiers all congratulated themselves on punishing Georgia for doing no more on its claimed territory than the Russians routinely did on THEIR claimed territory in Chechnya. And the controlled Russian news media crowed about what heroes the Russian soldiers were.

Even the 13-year-old girls riding horses found that simply TOO much fantasy to swallow.
 
Suddenly, the girl who posted on the very first day of this thread--the one who imagined bellydancing and playing a bagpipe--reappears after a lengthy absence, and posts the following:

"Space aliens? Gunslingers? Movie producers? Hedgehogs? NO!!!

This roleplay is supposed to be about ME!!!!!"

Having said this, she then disappears for three more weeks.
 
Walden Media executives noticed that BarbarianKing had begun honoring Ulysses S. Grant in his siggy. This gave them a brilliant inspiration: to make a movie in which Grant, as soon as the Civil War was over, began sulking and moping about not being important anymore, so that he got into pointless brawls at railway stations and then refused to thank his younger brother for trying to help him. The movie would end with Grant never accomplishing anything else in his postwar life, and being forced to say in the closing scene that he was useless and nobody needed him.
 
"But," one Walden Media exec piped up in the meeting, "What if we just tweaked Grant's story a little more to make it appeal to the masses? He develops a life in his daydreams, we could even make it musical! Why, he could take up bellydancing in his spare time and appear on stage in drag to boost his inner feminine side while secretly teaching his brother bagpipes in a garage in the afternoons! It could be the Secret Life of Walter...I mean, Ulysses Grant!"

"But what about the hedgehog lovers?" another exec protested. "We have to include them too, they buy a lot of movie tickets!"
 
Meanwhile, Emmett the gunslinger had finally managed to go far enough east that he could turn around and have a sunset to ride off into. About the time he had to stop to let the Horse With No Name rest at an oasis on the interstate, an ambitious young businessman was just pulling up there in his Escalade. The two men met, and soon became partners in starting a new Western steakhouse chain, for which Emmett would be the front man in TV and radio advertisements. The fact that the ads would allow Emmett to appear dignified proved that Walden Media had nothing to do with them.
 
Far away, beneath a pale moon all bedecked with cherry blossoms (our protagonist, that is, not the moon itself), a young, innocent little girl with humongously outsized eyes and a streak of blue in her hair wondered when her heroic strangely intelligent (even for a cat) Siamese would return from its quest to find her Twoo Wuvv. Strange little plonky quasi-Asian music played in the background as she huddled in her pink flowered kimono.
 
Unfortunately, at that moment, her anime-character true love was cruising classy nightclubs with Tuxedo Mask from the Sailor Moon series.
 
Misunderstanding the telepathic message from her cat about the situation, the little big-eyed girl quickly ran into her picturesque rice-paper-bedecked hut in a cloud of swirling cherry-petals. She returned neatly clad in a tux, wearing a sailor's hat but refused (on the grounds of basic civility) to moon anyone.
 
Khellan Belcaja'du came back from unconsciousness to the sound of running water. His grey eyes opened slowly, taking in the cold stone floor beneath him. His head pounded and a stabbing pain was in his right arm.

Gingerly attempting to sit up, he looked around him. This was an unfamiliar place - he appeared to be in a giant culvert of some kind, but where? He lifted a hand to his head. It came away stained with blood.

Why couldn't he remember? His last memories were of Dhian's ninja bodyguards ambushing him outside of his house. His sword!

He checked beside him, but he had nothing but the clothes he was wearing. Lost, somewhere, underground. Glancing at his arm, he saw that it was bleeding, sluggishly, but... at least he knew that whatever had happened to him had been recent. There was still a chance to reach the insane asylum before Dhian's people got there first!

If only he could find a way out!
 
Suddenly a section of wall collapsed close to Khellen. Pushing through the rubble appeared Ron Perlman's Hellboy character, who said to Khellen, "I'm between movies; ya need a hand?"
 
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