Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

[Copperfox]

Until some form of surveillance (technical or magical) provided a lead, one place was as good as any other place to search for Hipstera, Nyquilla and Lady Blast. The Korean superhero Kimchee Man took the initiative to lead agents of Korea's equivalent of the C.I.A. to poke around other Asian countries, but not without seeking consent from those countries. Note that I say simply "Korea;" this Korea is unified on terms OTHER THAN Communist conquest. And if I ever said it wasn't, then assume that the North GOT liberated since I said that.

Kimchee Man had performed excellently against villains in Korea, and later against the Boko Hassan terrorists in Egypt. This fact motivated several governments to agree to his proposed actions, provided he kept their security people in the loop.

The first nation to admit Kimchee's team onto its territory was Indonesia. An air force general named Pratam Takur met the Koreans at their port of entry. "My government received the report of those super-beings from a Colonel Tarik Almohad of Morocco, acting on behalf of the African Union," he told Kimchee Man. "So far, we have no indications of those creatures trespassing on our soil. But there ARE indications that they are enlisting conventional criminals to carry out low-priority tasks for them in more-urbanized nations. So it may be that, if Indonesia can reduce its indigenous organized-crime presence, those witch-type characters might be less interested in bothering with us."

This meeting led to Kimchee's team being flown by military transport to a historic inland site which boasted magnificent examples of stone architecture. General Takur and a dozen of his aides accompanied the Koreans all around the vast central quadrangle, which would have made an ideal filming location for a kung-fu movie. At the General's prompting, everyone began conversing loudly, in every language any of them knew, about how fabulous any mass fight scene would look on a cinema screen if shot here.

FINALLY, someone took the bait. More accurately, more than forty bandanna-masked Indonesian men took the bait, wielding knives, hatchets and escrima-type sticks, yelling as they charged. The air force men produced batons which appeared to be laminated with gold. Kimchee Man drew a Chinese-type straight sword, while his men drew either knives or nunchakus.

Nobody on neither side thought of using a gun, because what fun would that be?

Kimchee did not emit his disabling fumes, because these would have distressed his Indonesian allies as much as the Indonesian gangsters. He did, however, make brief use of his jet-propulsion option, flying over the bad guys to land behind them, so that the bad guys would have to face two directions. Also, by being over here, he COULD use his caustic fumes if his own survival required this.

Men on both sides got knocked senseless by blunt weapons or by kicks, and others received painful but not fatal cuts and stabs. Some fighters on each side were able to rejoin the battle after a minute of lying stunned. The good guys were seriously outnumbered, but their average skill was at least twenty percent higher than that of their opponents. And even before he was forced to use his fumes at one perilous moment, Kimchee Man accounted for three martial artists all by himself. The villains displayed a trait common to villains in kung-fu movies: the trait of not realizing when they were outclassed. But they all finally had it proven to them.

In the end, when every criminal was knocked out or incapacitated, Kimchee Man and General Takur still were standing, together with two Indonesian good guys and one of the Koreans. Army trucks came to transport the less-hurt of the captured gangsters to a prison; medevac helicopters carried the seriously wounded men from both sides to a military hospital.

Takur shook the Korean superhero's hand. "This victory is a huge setback for the forces of evil in Indonesia. Even if those monsters weren't thinking of recruiting our local thugs into their service, today's success will enable my country's response to be more focused if alien evil comes our way later."

 

[Copperfox]

Entering Cosmic Federation space, Lucy Luminous anxiously wondered how much more had changed since Tong Sao-Tu had brought the disarmed Jamsorvad back to Planet Wawa to have a new Flashlight prosthesis made. The baboonoid hero had no cause to be ashamed of losing his power device when he was trying to reason with the crooked officers of the Stellar Coordinator. But the very fact that they had attempted to kill Jamsorvad argued that the regime was not going to confess how it had lied about Green Flashlights being aggressors.

I understand that the Scurvylaff administration already intended to extort concessions from all its races, in return for "curing" the planned affliction that's making human males useless and helpless, before any Green Flashlights became involved. So what scapegoat would they have used if we hadn't gotten involved? We may never know.

Informed that some of her allies could be found on Planet Windaro, Lucy poured on the speed, until she thought she recognized the volcanic region which had been described. When she was nearer, Block Atom rose in the air to beckon her over. Soon Lucy was being introduced to the most remarkable of the Magtas' companions: green-skinned, six-limbed vertebrates, patterned on the Tharks in Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Barsoom" novels. Probably the most prosaic among the people she was meeting, were plain human females from Planet Umbaderro, a world which the bad guys had used as a sort of staging area before triggering the stupidity generator. The Umbaderrans were still anxious to learn the fate of Taglamso the forest ranger.

Luvardra told Lucy, "We now know that any survivors of Flake's Seven will be found on Razztazzem Six. Accordingly, even before our storyteller finishes searching for which people he named as taken alive, we can be moving to rescue them."

Tarp Kanvas, leader of the "Green Martians," weighed in: "There will be one more diversionary raid, just before the strike on Razztazzem Six. My people and I will be part of that final diversion, precisely because no villains in this galaxy have seen us before, so our unexplained arrival will produce added confusion."
= = = = = = = = = = = = =

Three hours after this conference, Windaran authorities reported to the Peace Commanders by subspace radio that one of their very few hyperspace- capable ships had been hijacked. They even truthfully stated which way it appeared to be going: toward another planet not heretofore named in the story. But they omitted the detail that the ship was accompanied by Lucy Luminous, and was carrying the big Pseudo-Barsoomians. Lucy would not enter combat, nor indeed by seen if she could avoid it; her main job was to make the borrowed ship arrive on target sooner, and to be ready to save her companions' lives in a pinch.

But surprise was complete. Planet Bostinnek was inhabited by the sort of human-like aliens often seen in later Star Trek shows: distinguishable from Earthlings mainly by wrinkly noses and foreheads. Landing at a medium-sized air-and-space port, Tarp Kanvas and his people rushed out, accompanied by armed Umbaderran women. The green people made sure to be plainly viewed by surveillance cameras. They took some guards captive, and wrecked the most military-looking stuff. Then the eldest of the human females, Alratovia by name, commandeered the control tower's broadcast system to tell the planet:

"This is the voice of justice! Justice for all our fathers, brothers, husbands and sons who were made stupid against their will! It was VERNACULA SCURVYLAFF who did this, in order to pretend that full dictatorship was the only hope of curing our men. We have deliberately avoided harming anyone here, because our quarrel is not with you. We only destroyed hardware which might be used by the oppressors against us. But if the Stellar Coordinator does not confess her guilt and resign her office, HER life will not be considered sacred."

When the raiders departed Bostinnek, they let it be seen that they were heading in the general direction of the capital world Fussyfrit, which from here was quite a different course than the way to the Razzmatazz System. But Lucy made a brief detour, to a star system the Umbaderrans had told her about. There was an industrial installation on a moon of a gas giant, where Dahudoran and Arpkevorkian men had replaced incapacitated male human employees. Here, Lucy showed herself openly; and-- this being the first time, as far as she knew-- she explicitly revealed how Federation cyborgs, empowered to imitate Green Flashlight powers, had been the actual culprits in the deaths of Royko Dabdint, Todd Milspek (two men who had escaped the mental attack) and their shipmates on the Skytwirl.

Still no reference to the rescue mission for Flake's Seven.

 

[Copperfox]

Lieutenant Eggrol Homnygrit, one of the crooked cops who had been privy to the unlawful arrest of Lodge Flake, had been transferred, for maintaining-order purposes, to a planet called Urshbudkrock, Years before the Federation-wide mental attack, about a hundred human women who were into insanely hating men had migrated here and started a specialized university called "The Institute of Revealed Goddesshood." Persons already dwelling here-- a mix of Humans, Dahudorans, and the same strange-nosed humanoids I lately mentioned-- had tolerated the man-haters, mostly just laughing at them. Only when the dumbing-down epidemic prompted the "Goddesses" to begin declaring that OF COURSE only men were weak enough to fall victim to the phenomenon, and it was no loss, did the majority become seriously ticked off at them.

Now Eggrol was busy each day preventing the "Goddesses" from picking fights with other women-- while pretending, as per his orders, that the aggression was going in the other direction..

But then something really odd occurred.

A ship entered the star system, and its introductory video call was transmitted by someone Eggrol had heard of. Karrojeen was a female cyborg, physically the tallest and most naturally muscular human woman to have been turned into a cyborg in living memory. Since she had already been a strong, athletic woman, all of her enhancements were for scientific purposes, enabling her to assist in all sorts of research projects.

"Calling entry management for Urshbudkrock. This is the utility starship Methane Breeze, Cyborg Karrojeen Dubsil transmitting. I have been approached by civilians, of multiple races, from an outside star system. Upon our contact, they voluntarily handed over all weapons they possessed. They wish to speak to any civilian group of Federation citizens which comprises more than one species. They claim they have insights to offer which may help our civilization in the present crisis. I, of course, can translate for them.

"It bears mentioning that some of these newcomers are clearly much older than the combat-suitable age range for their races. The younger individuals, as far as I can determine, are in robust health, but trained for constructive work rather than for war."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Lieutenant Homnygrit, the faculty of The Institute of Revealed Goddesshood, and most of what passed for journalists on Urshbudkrock, assembled in a convenient location to meet the volunteers from Planet Freesoil. Everyone really powerful who had been with these volunteers, such as Slick "Dark Headgear" Mudpackis, was elsewhere. This plan had been the brainchild of the aging Tryyurluck lady Lumlabbish Powder, now married to the aging African-American human pioneer Denzel Powder. Lumlabbish had reasoned that they could produce a similar effect to a non-violent protest demonstration. Accordingly, the Freesoilers had unanimously agreed that she should speak first; and Karrojeen Dubsil had been told ahead of time the gist of what the green matron would say.

"Those of us who live and work on Planet Freesoil, as you can infer by seeing my Greedork friends here, enjoy remarkable diversity among ourselves. This includes diversity of life experience. I spent much of my life as a chattel slave, and my same-race first husband ended his life in bondage. My human husband Denzel--" (she swung her head-tails in his direction) "--has always been a free man, and his first wife died a free woman. While Humans and Tryyurlucks can intermarry, not all of our types are anywhere near close enough biologically." She indicated the Greedorks again; she was not going to volunteer the information that her contingent was associated with the six-limbed green warriors who were active elsewhere.

"But the most significant variety among us is in behavioral history. Some of the humans who now call Freesoil home, used to be space pirates. But a near catastrophe inspired them to become better people." She went on to tell some of how the erstwhile pirates had sided with Boone Crockett's people against the monstrous Creeepycrawlids. She did not lie, nor claim to have told everything, but she didn't volunteer any information about Fuss users or about Block Atom. Her central point was to speak about how wrongdoers could come to the light.

The Greedorks offered dramatic accounts of how various notable persons in the Republic of Lots of Worlds had crossed over from evil to goodness. They hoped that, when the deeds of their various more-aggressive friends became widely known, this revelation would be simply part of the happy ending with Vernacula Scurvylaff doing an air-dance at the end of a rope.

 

[Copperfox]

FREEZE FRAME!!!

I've been scouring my pages back and forth, trying to sort out the cast of characters.

I thought I had established all the deaths and replacements for Flake's Seven. I was pretty sure that at my last posting, Lodge had four living companions, two for sure being Diva Mellowmind and Sally Kipper, and the other two being recent replacements.

<<<<< I often find lost things precisely by not looking for them! It was while digging up reminders of Dim Jargon's actions, that I serendipitously retrieved the identities of Lodge Flake's last new shipmates. One was Hutsut-Rilro, a female Shmeehobber; the other was a Dahudoran man called Foylif Krebkon. This will come into play later. A team including John, Lylah and Greedork girl Slitterbing picked up an un-stupidized man called Shebber Dristo, whose father had seen a vision of the evil immortal Kennedweeba..

Some of those lucky finds were in Post # 1318, letting me catch up with Dim Jargon, Tien-Hai and Black Giraffe, without going crazy anymore over those other hero-identities.

====================

For starters, those three were on Kantpoo, though not directly involved, when young Duke Spacewalker denounced his Grandmother Harshyanna for abusing him. Harshyanna then fled with Doctor Dizwarn. Meanwhile, representatives of the Bubblewrap Coalition, including Snack Salad, had been on Kantpoo to negotiate closer ties. As part of this, the Kantpoolian Glugfins were offered the chance to attend colleges on Bubblewrap Coalition planets.

Many other characters were there at the time, including Lanette Grudenko, a representative of the Human Federation ("Starship Troopers" derivative), and Fuss up-sider Zubdookree. Others on Kantpoo then were to be seen elsewhere later: notably Diskoduck, Wilma and Antilacor. A detail to become pertinent is another of DIskoduck's powers: by putting a finger in one ear, then a finger in the other ear, he can receive a vision of the future, but can't specify what he wants to know. \\

 

[Copperfox]

AS WE JOIN DIM, TIEN-HAI AND BLACK GIRAFFE, they are aboard their current ship, following up a rumor told to them by Poormee Armadillo. This is a good time to remind the readers that Giraffe's real name is Nabirye Jared. This hero's native Uganda, just like the Uganda of Original Earth, puts a family name before the individual name, so Black Giraffe's friends call him Jared......

"I suppose it isn't a make-or-break issue," said Giraffe, "but I would have liked to know if these estranged co-planetaries of yours belong to the helmet-off or helmet-on faction." To which Dim Jargon replied, "Scant cause to worry. Helmet-off Banjolorians are less likely to be upset when seeing a helmet-on like me, than the reverse."

Dim's blind-but-not-helpless wife raised a new angle. "Dim darling, if we achieve contact, I think you should be seen carrying the Naskar Spear, since I'm only a Banjolorian by marriage, not formally inducted."

"No, beloved, I particularly _want_ them to see it in _your_ hands. Not many years have passed since Emperor Porkanbeen got sent to The Bad Place. If we're to prevent my fellow Banjolorians from gravitating to Thuglyfe Skrawn and the remainder of the Empire, we need to demonstrate that our culture _can_ interact with others, yet not lose its collective identity."

"Very well. Another point: since Giraffe and I are both native to an Earth-variant completely unconnected with the Star-Wars-and-Spaceballs-derived reality, these other Banjolorians meeting us _will_ thereby be encountering alternate-storyverse elements. Therefore, should we postpone telling them about the Republic of Lots of Worlds now having commerce with still other interstellar communities?"

"I would say, mention it early on, but don't emphasize it. Among us, we three have accumulated a lot of 'outside' experience."

Giraffe cleared his throat, which would have been thunderous if his neck had been extended. "Here's my suggestion, Dim. Assuming we do make peaceful introductions, you quickly advance the idea of unifying all Banjolorians. Mention Bulky Tanya, while pointing out that _she_ is all right with inter-cultural cooperation. Then, before going into any depth, explain exactly who and what your wife and I are. Move this right along, to inform them that Anime Earth is often visited by the Spacer Swimmers. If they can swallow this disclosure, they'll understand that our knowledge is wide. Then you can postpone discussion of the Bubblewrap Coalition or the Starship Grunts, you know, not overdoing it."

Emerging from hyperspace near the planet Powurkord, Dim Jargon transmitted an all-channels hail, identifying his party and purpose. A deep male voice replied: "I am Henshok Vorga, Armorer of Powurkord. I am the technical genius who figured out how to _correct_ armor which is rigged to give male wearers no protection against female attacks."

"Then I'm automatically a fan of yours," Dim declared. "I was stuck with a suit like that until I visited the home planet of my wife and our friend."

"I want no fans!" Henshok barked. "I desire _victories!_ Do not attempt to meet me on the surface unless you are prepared to fight me to the death! After we have both killed each other, I may become friends with you."

Tien-Hai muttered in Mandarin Chinese to her husband, "I don't think he's all there upstairs."

 

[Copperfox]

"Let's fly at least one full orbit of Powurkord before we commit ourselves to landing," Black Giraffe urged.

"So you can search the radio spectrum?" said Dim Jargon.

"Exactly." Then Giraffe leaned forward at an angle which would best enable him to lengthen his neck-- which he had to do if he wanted to use his quasi-magical sensory abilities. The trio proceeded, not immediately answering another duel-challenge from Henshok Vorga.

The Ugandan covered his head to with a sort of cap which would record any wave pattern which the wearer was aware of. Two-thirds of the way around Powurkord's equator, Giraffe picked up a modulated signal. This was on a frequency far higher than anyone usually employed for voice communication, so Giraffe mentally instructed his apparatus to analyze the transmission alternately as radar, or as a data upload. "My bet is upload, since even the most sophisticated radar I ever encountered has no need to change pulse intervals and signal amplitude so often. Understand, no human brain can think fast enough to _count_ electromagnetic pulses; but I can _feel_ the intervals getting shorter or longer. Sort of like distinguishing _colors_ of light."

"Ship's computer's analysis agrees with you that it's a data upload, but unsure for what purpose,"

"Jared, can you tell if the signal is directional going upward, or just a general broadcast?" asked Tien-Hai.

"Signals this short in wavelength are usually directional; but my tracking powers can't be certain if there's a satellite assigned to relay the signal."

"Wait one," Dim told him. Two minutes later: "Yep, sensor suite identifies a probable comms-relay satellite."

Four minutes later, the shipboard computer offered a higher than fifty percent probability that the signal was programmed by someone planetside to generate random probabilities. Giraffe's head abruptly settled back down into normal-anatomy configuration, and he stared at the Banjolorian.

"Like rolling _dice!_ I think that large numbers of people on Powurkord are playing computerized games!"

"Well, there's no law against playing games."

Tien-Hai touched her husband's armored shoulder. "I think that's why Henshok Vorga could speak of being friends _after_ killing each other. He meant a _simulated_ mutual killing!"

Dim looked at Giraffe. "I repeat, it's no crime to play war games. But now I question whether the people here can be useful to the Banjolorian culture."

"Too soon to say. You and Tien-Hai know that I can fight, but I also enjoy recreation."

 

[Copperfox]

Henshok Vorga was one of about 400,000 adults and adolescents on Powurkord, all human, who played virtual-reality games as much as they could get away with. Game choices in the planet's network were various, cutting across differences in age, sex and income; but there were measurable tendencies. Male players, _especially_ if they were pathetic wimps in reality, played at being mighty warriors, and yes, this applied to Henshok. Two-thirds of all female players, at least for part of their gameplaying life, opted for one uniform fantasy: each wanted to be a beautiful and clever thirteen-year-old princess, riding this planet's nearest equivalent of a horse, pursuing a lonely quest which _nobody_ adult or male could ever begin to understand.

Trying to detect any sort of landing beacon for atmosphere-capable spacecraft, Dim needed Giraffe's help in tandem with the ship's computer. Giraffe's intuition meshed with the computer's analysis, to determine _finally_ where there was a physically-real spaceport.

As opposed to a space-travel game scenario.

The one confirmed spaceport was near the planet's arctic circle. Video communication was established with a traffic controller; Black Giraffe's intuition was that this was not virtual reality. The woman who spoke to them looked as if she were a thirty-year-old who had been prematurely aged by job stress. She gave her name as Tulsi Blash.

After an exchange of practical information, which had included identifying the ship owner as a Banjolorian, Dim Jargon said, "We came here expecting to meet other Banjolorians, but had no idea whether _everyone_ here was Banjolorian."

Tulsi looked, not hostile, but inquisitive. "Are you acting on behalf of Bulky Tanya? Yes, we know who she is."

"I know her, but I'm acting independently, with no official authority. The fact that I married a non-Banjolorian woman _without_ expecting her to join the culture, attests that I'm not the hate-all-outsiders type. But it's possible to maintain cohesion with other Banjolorians, yet not be xenophobic."

Now the controller's expression became sort of exhaustedly cheerful. "I believe you. I wish we had no problems _worse_ than low-key mutual suspicions. The Banjolorian emigres here, plus native Powurkordeans who were positively influenced by them, are almost the _only_ people who will do anything constructive anymore!"

"Are there any Banjolorians present in your workplace right now?"

"Sure, stand by." A moment later, a Banjolorian helmet appeared on the viewscreen.

"Strength and honor, Dim Jargon! I'm Dortabesk, son of Portashick, formerly a mercenary working with Lackdough Caribbiyan. I know that you've worked with Toofah-Roffians; did they show you respect?"

"Yes, they did. What can you tell me about social conditions here on Powurkord?"

in reply, Dortabesk spoke many impolite phrases in the ancestral Banjolorian language. Reverting to "common tongue," he continued: "We can's prove it, but many of us, including Tulsi, strongly suspect that Fuss down-siders did some sort of psychic broadcast, promoting laziness and irresponsibility. Of non-Banjolorians here who have resisted the influence, many have taken to repeating, 'This is the path!' It seems to help them stay on task."

"Do you think other Banjolorians on Powurkord would object if we ran back to Kantpoo and requested some up-side assistance for you?"

"I would be okay with it, but some others would be suspicious."

Abruptly, Tien-Hai exclaimed, "Let me stay here as a hostage, to prove my husband's good faith!"

Tulsi Blash came back on, to say, "I believe this will make a difference toward people trusting your husband's word."

 

[Copperfox]

We now rejoin my Justice-League-related storyline, the one where I have resolved to depict another healthy, successful romance very soon.

Conditions on Seedubb Earth were currently good enough that a hero or two could be loaned out elsewhere. Accordingly, Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles was dispatched by Master Katmatao to the Zazdub world, out beyond Senphatori. Notice was given to King Truthside, who thanked the Janitors of the Universe. Now Ryan would be able to alternate sleeping shifts with Mike Deep Swimmer, so there would always be a Green Flashlight awake to meet any emergency. And a spell from Dreamtime Chieftain ensured that Mike and Ryan would be able to speak with the Zazdub, even across the barriers of differing native languages.

Part of Ryan's first conversation with Elder Fislillo concerned modernization.

"Humans on some Earth-variants are afraid that ANY development of industry with machines is guaranteed to poison living things everywhere. Such poisoning has happened; but even where no magic is available to remedy the pollution, technology itself has made great strides with environmental recovery."

Fislillo scratched her head. "I hope you're not saying that we have to be poisoned FIRST, in order to be cured later."

"No. Achievements in decontaminating land and water led to more understanding of how prevention could be done."

Doc Slippage would eventually work with other Zazdub to determine what mineral wealth might exist on this planet, and how the Zazdub could learn to use these resources for their own progress. He would remark to Zoorama at one point: "It's easy to romanticize ancient subsistence-level farmers, but horse-drawn plows aren't much help in defending against monstrosities like this Duke Terror."

zz\zz\zz\zz\zz\zz\zz\zz\zz

Meanwhile, back in Mainstream Comicbook Space, Truthside met with Superdude to discuss keeping Urth safe when some of its heroes were away. "Well," said the Tonkrypian, "if the revived Sullivan Grungy were put out of action again, that by itself would help a lot."

So Truthside next met with Charles Crazier. "Can your Secret Plotline-Advancing Machine locate Sullivan Grungy for me?"

It could. So Truthside wormholed over to Mexico, grabbed up a vainly-struggling Grungy, and carried him to Awkwardlisp. There he placed the ghoulish character in a cage which could hold even him, and told some of his leading advisors, "If he needs food, feed him. Once I can give it my full attention, I'm going to seek a way to make him human again."

"No!" cried Grungy. "Not want to be weak little mortal! Kill Grungy instead!"

"And have you rematerialize a month later, to make more trouble? I don't think so."

 

[Copperfox]

The Super-Gang of Naughty Persons, now incorporating the Constrictor and Jaguar gangs and friendly with the Crocodile Market gang, was dismayed when Mirror Merchant discovered that Sullivan Grungy had been arrested by a pretty-near-invincible good guy.

"Now he's in another solar system! Not only that, but the planet he's on has all kinds of anti-evilness force fields and so on. I won't be able to extract him from there. And if we try to teleport to an unshielded spot on that planet, we'll still be spotted before we can get close to where Sullivan is being held."

"Cheer up," said La Bruja Resbalosa (Slippery Witch). "Puede ser his captors will kill him, and then he'll be reborn out of their reach."

"But he'll be reborn on THAT world," Mirror Merchant groaned. "We may never get him back!"

The regular gangster nicknamed Tarantula Grande had succeeded in rejoining the Super-Gang after the staged escape cooked up by Clean Hornet. No one suspected him of rolling over. Now he tried a bit of reverse psychology. "Con permiso, the Justified League will be emboldened after this. They may press their advantage. It might be best if we head south. We have good hideouts available in Honduras and Guatemala."

"But won't they expect us to run?" countered also-regular-gangster Paco Fritango. "Won't they ASSUME we're intimidated?"

"I agree with Paco," said Chief Obsidian. "Let's attack Mexico City! Mirror Merchant, if you choose a cloudless day, then drop me into the capital with a few gunmen, we can put a scare into the federales. Then you transport our main force into the San Lazaro Palace, where they'll take all the legislative deputies as hostages."

The Chinese-born super-villainess Hand-Eye asked, "What demands will we make then?"

"We can discuss what will work," said her bestie Rattle-Sneak. "But not for long, or we'd lose the initiative."

"Maybe a further fake-out," Red Hot Lamia suggested. "If a surprise takeover of the legislative palace appears to be the whole trick, you could wait just long enough so the Justified League will begin to respond. With any luck, their telepath will assume there's no further secret to expose. Then teleport me, Slippery, Rattle-Sneak and more gunmen INSIDE League headquarters, or near it with explosives if you can't penetrate it magically. Once inside, we'll steal the most high-tech weapons and inventions we can gather, and blink back out. The more gear we can steal, the more we'll be compensated for losing Sullivan."

 

[Copperfox]

Unfortunately for the side of good, Professor Crazier was directing most of his attention to the mystery of 'Duke Terror." But Clean Hornet, still in Mexico City, was not blindsided. The very fact that Senor Tarantula had not contacted him, indicated a possibility that the outlaws were preparing for some action, preventing Tarantula from sending any messages.

Squire Vindictive, who had submitted to being injured as part of making Tarantula's jailbreak look real, was healed enough to fight at need. Gleaming Knight, Tapper Cossack, Black Parakeet, Nonwhite Lightning and the speedster Exohern were available. Aluminum Banshee was no longer on hand to stimulate her Russian husband with song, but Parakeet was able to do the same. Clean Hornet made sure the federales were current on superhero availability.

One useful piece of intelligence which Tarantula had managed to pass to his handler was the fact of sunlight being a power source for Chief Obsidian. If not for this, police and superheroes would have assumed that a night attack was more likely, if any attack happened. Of the available supers, only Squire Vindictive (due to keen hearing and overall sharp instincts) and Nonwhite Lightning (who of course could illuminate the darkness in a hurry) took night watch.

Exohern's "fast living" peculiarity meant that he slept more often than ordinary humans, but for much briefer periods. Until further notice, the swift mutant would sleep for a series of eighty-minute periods: around midnight, shortly before first light, in late morning, in early afternoon, and just after sunset. For as much of his waking time as possible, he would be randomly darting back and forth, looking out for anything suspicious. In his dark-time tours, he would check in frequently with tactical-squad cops who had night-vision goggles. They knew to expect him, and he always came to a stop where they could plainly see him.

After two full nights of this routine, the assault came in the morning, half an hour before Exohern would have hit the cot. The first sign of trouble was when Chief Obsidian, at a location a block north of the national police headquarters, noisily flipped four parked trucks onto their sides as if they were folding card tables. When attention was drawn that way, Slippery Witch made her only contribution to Stage One, by causing the air to turn shimmery and blurry in front of the police headquarters-- but only to the eyes of good people. Confident of their advantage, the gangsters moved in to get good shots at all the windows with armor-piercing bullets.

But this was a turning point in the life of the hoodlum known as "the big tarantula." He could simply stay inconspicuous, and the tip he had already been able to send might be enough to buy his presidential pardon. But there was.... a feeling. Had he known it, this was like the feeling experienced by both imitations of Harley Quinn, just before they turned good.

Before the other gunmen were quite ready, Tarantula Grande fired two shots into the air, then ran with all his might for the closest place he could round a corner. Other gangsters realized what had happened, JUST too late to shoot the turncoat. Hand-Eye, at her own standby position for the Lazaro Palace break-in, spotted him, also realized he must be deserting..... grazed him with a lightning bolt, not fatal but stunning him and burning his legs..... smugly assumed she had slain him.... and went back to awaiting the signal to move against the legislators.

We'll follow the action, but assume that Tarantula survives, receives first aid, and gets his chance to start a new life later.

 

[Copperfox]

A furious firefight raged around the federales' headquarters. (I'm pretty sure I named a senior police commander in an earlier chapter; just assume he's in on this.) Numerous combatants on both sides suffered non-fatal flesh wounds in the left shoulders. Four of the gangsters received a more unusual injury: being stabbed in the RIGHT shoulders by antlers, when Exohern charged into them with lowered head. In a friendly-fire accident, one police bullet penetrated the speedster's right calf; but Exohern could HOP faster than any normal human could run. Reaching cover, he applied direct pressure to his entry and exit wounds, then waited until paramedics could reach him without being killed.

The headquarters-attack party began falling back. To make sure the hostage-taking party had more time to take position, Chief Obsidian threw objects at the headquarters windows: an unoccupied motorcycle, an uprooted bus-stop bench, and the metal canopy from the same bus stop.

Then a pitchfork of electricity struck him, fired by Nonwhite Lightning. But the supervillain had obsidian stone with him, which reduced the damage from the lightning bolt. He was hurting, but he charged at a startled Jeffrey Pierson, swinging his sword-like maquihuitl. Nonwhite Lightning might have died then, had not Dmitri Leonidovich Tarasov intervened, swinging his saber against the saw-edged weapon.

Black Parakeet was occupied elsewhere, herding senior citizens out of the battle scene. With no music boosting him, Tapper Cossack had "only" the strength of six men, half of what Chief Obsidian enjoyed in full sunlight. But his parry deflected the maquihuitl just enough to save Nonwhite Lightning, who scrambled farther away before shooting again. The second bolt affected the Native Central American super-villain just enough so he was no longer AS MUCH stronger than Dmitri. The Cossack, his agility helping him now, added kinzhal dagger to saber, and engaged in a proper swordfight with the Chieftain.

Imagine good movie fights you've seen, using scimitars or cutlasses: fights choreographed with far more cuts than thrusts. That's this one, with brute strength against rapid reflexes.

It could have gone either way.... but suddenly Chief Obsidian vanished. So did some of the wounded gunmen on the gang side. The secretly-watching Mirror Merchant, seeing that Obsidian was hurt, made a split-second decision to fetch him back to the present hideout as well as the rank-and-file casualties. Wound treatment would be provided back there. "It's all right, the Lazaro Palace is being breached right now. Rest and get well."

The lawmakers' hall was being captured, all right. Seeing their comrades facing difficulty, Red-Hot Lamia and Rattle-Sneak had decided they should not stay clear any longer. With their assistance, the deputies were taken hostage as planned. The villainesses relied on Mirror Merchant still to find them and jump them to their originally-planned task at Justified League headquarters. Hand-Eye stayed to help keep the politicians terrorized.

 

[Copperfox]

At Justified League headquarters, five reformed War Witches with rayguns were guarding the perimeter, alongside a dozen United States Marshals who had been trained for the same weapons, when a mirror-teleportation occurred. Seven Mexican gangsters came out shooting, inflicting non-lethal flesh wounds in the left shoulders of the eight marshals then in sight, and the same with two of the reformed War Witches.

Slippery Witch cast another sight-blurring spell to impede return shots..... but her magic was not covering overhead lines of fire. Vigilant Cowboy, armed with a not-very-cowboyish semi-automatic, leaned out a high window to fire downward. Every one of the gangsters in front suffered a non-lethal flesh wound in his RIGHT shoulder. But Rattle-Sneak was too swift for Greg to track with his rifle; she knocked out every defender in sight who still seemed able to fight back.

Red Hot Lamia slithered to the now-undefended main entrance, and began an incantation. Slippery Witch exerted her own power to reinforce her companion's spell..... and the door SHRIVELLED, like a dry leaf starting to burn. The three super-villainesses entered, to be met by two sentry robots firing sonic stun-weapons.

Rattle-Sneak and Slippery Witch were not immune to the soundwaves, and fell to the floor temporarily disabled. But Lamia could withstand the stun-force long enough to reach the robot guards and smash them to bits. Meanwhile, the rest of the still-functional gangsters outside had put the remaining exterior defenders out of action, and had collected the dropped rayguns. Inside, Vigilant Cowboy had seen to it that non-combat-trained staff personnel were locked inside emergency-shelter chambers, while he swapped his bullet-rifle for a serious laser weapon. He realized that the intruders must be out to steal advanced technology.

Breaching the entrance should have automatically caused an all-channels alarm to be transmitted. But Slippery Witch's magic had also disabled that system. Greg did seriously wound Red Hot Lamia, but then Rattle-Sneak hit him so hard that he suffered a severe concussion. And Superdude, Atomic Scalp, Stellar Sapphire and Moistureman would know nothing until relatively-slow police and military networks clued them in. Besides the energy weapons taken from defenders, the bad guys made off with electronic media, which would contain information useful to all villains. Even if the files deleted themselves, the combined efforts of the evil magic-users might succeed in recovering data.

As soon as the villains began to withdraw, ready for Mirror Merchant to collect them, some civilian employees of the League hurried to save Greg Sutter's life. They used a precision surgical drill to pierce the gallant cowboy's head: an ancient but effective procedure known as trepanning. This let just enough blood leak out so that harmful pressure on the victim's brain would be reduced.

Superdude was the first metahuman good guy to reach the scene. He noticed that the attackers had callously finished off any of their own wounded men whom they could not immediately carry away. These WERE evildoers, after all. But Superdude would later learn that the defector Tarantula Grande was providing useful clues to the Mexican authorities.

Concerning the stolen armaments, Superdude remarked, "What they took wouldn't be able to hurt me or Cousin Clara seriously..... UNLESS the crooks have somebody skilled enough to modify those weapons so they emit RED light. That would at least somewhat weaken us."

 

[Copperfox]

*** Having pretty much ironed out my accidental inconsistencies in the story of Flake's Seven.......

On Planet Blamtet, birthplace of the prominent race which has an extra joint in each arm, the deputation including Denzel and Lumlabbish Powder had shared with a mixed-race audience plenty of information exposing the wickedness of the Vernacula Scurvyaff regime. They provided enough details that EVEN faculty members of The Institution of Revealed Goddesshood began to question whether Coordinator Scurvylaff being female was enough to make her immune to criticism.

Eventually Vildaromp, the retired male-Ziblamot space-navy officer who had been facilitating the meeting, gestured for quiet. Note that this point in my narrative picks up less than an hour after the end of my last post which involved these characters.

"Fellow Ziblamots, other Blamtet residents, and esteemed visitors! It saddens me to disclose that what we have heard here..... is not entirely new or startling to me. To you visitors in particular, let me explain one detail. Among all worlds belonging to the Cosmic Federation, or having regular interaction with it, we Ziblamots were the VERY FIRST people to invent radio communications. Thus we are also still the most knowledgeable in all matters of sine-wave signalling. We have avoided revealing the full extent of our expertise even to off-worlders whom we KNEW to be on the side of good. Maybe some of your own birth planets have a version of our saying: 'To hide a secret from a mortal enemy, never tell it to a well-meaning but unwise friend'."

"We have that saying, too," Abner Littleton told him.

Vildaromp beckoned a female of his race to join him at the podium. Visitors now detected a clear physical male-female difference in the species. In male Ziblamots, the proximal section of each arm (i.e. the part attached to the torso) was the longest, and heavily muscled; this, clearly, facilitated moving and handling heavy objects. In females, the middle section was the longest: this apparently facilitated holding babies close while carrying them from place to place. As a side note, baby Ziblamots were born already able to eat solid food.

"This is my always-mate, Beelrist, mother of my children. She worked for twenty-two of our years as a troubleshooter for wireless-computation systems. Many days ago, I was frequency-surfing in my spare time, when I discovered some highly irregular patterns in several subspace frequency bands. I asked Beelrist to analyze the patterns. Dear one, tell them what you discovered." They exchanged the Ziblamot equivalent of a kiss, after which Beelrist took her husband's place on the podium.

"Blamtet's navy never LIES to our friends about our level of comms mastery, but there are things we don't VOLUNTEER to non-Ziblamots. We not only can dissect all sorts of transmission patterns, but we can detect signs of jamming, and of subtler kinds of tampering. To be brief, my always-mate happened upon a case of attempted censorship.

"Thanks to my plotline-convenient knowledge and equipment, I was able to reconstruct what the government on Fussyfrit was trying to silence. A senior human law-enforcer from Planet Madmaksilon, a male-- but exempted from the stupidizing!-- called Judge Wytebredd, had transmitted a confession on over fifty different channels. He confessed that the attack on human-male intellect was planned and carried out BY THE GOVERNMENT, at the direct orders of the Stellar Coordinator! She had obtained assistance from some outside power; she arranged for her own human-male henchmen to be protected from the mind-wipe; she pretended that some alien power OTHER than her allies was to blame for the disaster; and she further pretended that the only chance of curing the dumbed-down human males would require-- WHAT a surprise, hra hra-- absolute control of all travel and finance in the Federation."

"But what induced this man 'Wytebredd' to confess his complicity in such a monstrous crime?" asked Lumlabbish.

"He was caught, and forced to confess..... by Flake's Seven, who forced him to confess, then exiled him to a remote but survivable place." She looked at Vildaromp, who nodded. "A ship of ours is currently on its way to try to fetch Wytebredd alive."

"And you believe Wytebredd's confession to be factual, rather than lies recited at gunpoint?" asked Denzel Powder.

"Yes, Vildaromp and I both are convinced."

 

[Copperfox]

Green Flashlight Parbellik rose and approached the podium, closely followed by the former Dark Headgear.

"We are as desirous as you to prevent major bloodshed," said Parbellik. Slick added, "And the diversionary campaign already going on, seems well suited for avoiding needless deaths." Parbellik again: "What's more, if ZIBLAMOT territory appears to be under attack, that may misdirect the central authorities from guessing that Blamtet is breaking ranks."

Vildaromp leaned back slightly. "But if you make it seem that Green Flashlights really are warmongers, won't that frustrate your aim to vindicate the Flashlight Corps?"

Krayzee Fireflaw-Mudpackis came forward as her formerly-wicked husband replied, "Not if Krayzee and I are the only persons VISUALLY RECORDED vandalizing property. Given a place to stage our supposed violence, the Magtas could overturn some vehicles and so on, before any cameras were activated. Then Krayzee and I can be seen chopping stuff with our lightsabers."

Vildaromp and Beelrist exchanged a nod, then Vildaromp said, "We don't want any Peace Commanders coming HERE to help us; they might learn things we don't want them to know! But the nearest inhabitable star system to this one is also Ziblamot-ruled. We have a major shipyard there, with components both in orbit and on the ground. This facility repairs and upgrades older starships, to lengthen their service life. If Blamtet's government approves, and in this situation I'm sure they will, we can set things up for you to do lots of dramatic demolition, with no fatalities."

"The more the bad guys are kept off balance," Krayzee observed, "the fewer fatalities overall."

# # # # # # # # # # #

Now that I'm caught up on who was captured with Lodge Flake, let's catch up on how they're being tortured. Fear not, they WILL be rescued; but we should see first what they'll be rescued FROM.

You may recall that Nimsalur Bokrem used her cyborg-related knowledge to link the captive heroes into a virtual-reality nightmare generator. Like being in The Matrix, but Morpheus and Trinity never show you the way out. Diva Mellowmind, being a physician, has already been described as dreaming that she lost all her patients. Now for the others.....

Hutsut-Rilro, the late joiner who was a female Shmeehobber, mostly had visions of horrible things happening to her fiance Awk-Awk Tazood. (Yes, Shmeehobbers had males and females and marriage and families.) Occasionally, she imagined that her thirty-six eyes were all working at once trying to follow thirty-six objects, confusing her unbearably.

Foylif Krebkon, a human-like Dahudoran like Luvardra Magta, was the other newest follower of Lodge Flake. Some of his nightmares, naturally enough, depicted harm befalling Sally Kipper, the human woman he had fallen in love with. But for variety, he also imagined an experience which needs to be explained. Dahudoran women had faintly-spotted skin from the waist down. Their men had similar spotting from the waist UP, only their faces were unmarked, so as not to look as if they had serious acne. So Foylif's distinctive nightmare was that he DID have a spotted face, and everyone thought he was ugly.

Sally Kipper was the transmit-only telepath. Her primary nightmare was that she saw Foylif or other people in terrible danger, but was unable to warn them by telepathy OR voice OR gesturing. As a variation, she sometimes found herself back where she had been stranded before, but was unable to contact the Litigator to pick her up.

Pretty sure that former policewomen Jelley was killed off. We'll say that Lodge Flake seeing his friends Jelley Sammitch and Tyll Dimlamp die was one of his nightmares. For sure, he also had visions of Cousin Royurbota dying, or of her hating him. But the malice of Coordinator Scurvylaff had insisted that Lodge must suffer WORSE than his shipmates. He, therefore, "enjoyed" the greatest variety in his torments. This meant that he must experience every violent death conceivable: burning, drowning, falling, crushing, being devoured by monsters, you name it. And the externally- imposed brain control would never LET him remember that all these deaths were imaginary; each one seemed real at the time.

Just for colorful variety, some virtual-death programs had him also landing in The Bad Place after dying.

Copperfox does not wish readers to think of Lodge as a weakling. The ordeal was rigged against him. You can be certain that Vernacula Scurvylaff, or Nimsalur Bokrem, or Judge Wytebredd, would have broken after half an hour's worth of what Lodge had been suffering for weeks.

But unlike what sadistic B.B.C. writers on Original Earth relished doing to their character of Rog Blake, the cavalry IS coming to save Lodge Flake and his surviving friends. Payback is coming.

 

[Copperfox]

To help untangle knots in the plot, Captain Kactusita of the Peace Commanders came over to the side of righteousness, which I long had in mind for her. Finding out about Shebber Dristo, the young man whose father had experienced an important vision of a she-demon, Kactusita saw to it that Shebber was hidden in a safe location. John Cardsharper the psychic swordsman had read Kactusita's mind, pronouncing her trustworthy. Kactusita also got in contact with Tarp Kanvas and his "green Martians" after a Ziblamot ship retrieved them from THEIR distraction raid, updating Tarp on the doings of Royurbota's contingent.

This should be enough catching up, so at last we can let Royurbota go to her true love's rescue.

Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous, as promised, joined Royurbota, John, Lylah, Wibgug-Bifyok, Chutnykorn and Slitterbing. Approaching the Razztazzem system, Lucy located early-warning satellites, and disabled them. She first knocked out the satellites on one side of the system; waited for the prison-planet management to react, then accompanied her friends in-system on the OTHER side.

Whatever we say is the means of recharging Flashlight prosthesis-- call it absorbing cosmic rays or something-- Lucy needed to do some of it after all her back-and-forth interstellar travel. But she had enough charge left to plow the road for her friends first: by disabling two armed orbital patrol boats, the prison planet's entire subspace radio station, and many of the surveillance cameras, then making an opening for Slitterbing to get inside the cellblocks and hack the door controls there.

Then Lucy took cover behind her friends' parked ship, while John Cardsharper led a relatively silent charge. His high-powered bullet-gun was in its holster, but he carried his broadsword and a portable (physical) ray-reflecting shield. He was not about to start shooting when innocent captives-- especially Lodge Flake and company!-- might get into his line of fire. But after Diva Mellowmind had turned against the regime, Vernacula would not have allowed anyone else not exhaustively vetted to be on staff here; so any and all guards were fair game to be slain. Many were Arpkevorkians.

Lylah used Fuss pushing to bowl over any hostiles whom John wasn't already handling, and fatally light-sabered three men who still tried to fight her after falling down. John didn't need more help than this; before the others even caught up enough to join the action, the Edgar Rice Burroughs-derived swashbuckler had beheaded or otherwise terminated eight guards. Royurbota and Wibgug-Bifyok each had time to shoot one more guard before all others within sight fell on the floor begging for their lives.

"No needless killing!" John shouted at Royurbota, who looked like executing one of the already-surrendered guards. Once these persons (there were two human females among them) were all disarmed, and hobbled by tying one person's ankle to another person's ankle, John said, "Lylah, your powers will help release our friends. I'll keep these thugs subdued; I'LL KNOW if any of them forms an intention of resisting, and they'll be sliced sausage. Move ahead!"

Chutnykorn made sure that all of the surrendered guards understood John's warning, then caused the public-address speakers to announce that the defeated guards were now hostages to deter anyone else from trying to stop the jailbreak. Then he told Royurbota, Lylah and Wibgug: "When we find Lodge, find any friendlies, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING until Slitterbing and I analyze the brain-tampering system. We don't want to kill them, or permanently erase their memories, in the middle of rescuing them!"

Outside, once aware of her friends' success, Lucy Luminous knew her next move. As soon as she regained enough universe-juice, she would transmit to Parbellik Magta that the Ziblamots should now send their swiftest warships to ensure control of the Razztazzem system. For the prisoners about to be liberated-- if their brains could recover from torture-- could provide the testimony which would irrevocably discredit the venomous Vernacula.

 

[Copperfox]

Fourteen minutes after the rescue party located the lab tables, where the captives were hooked into the V/R torture consoles:

Lodge, Diva, Sally, Hutsut and Foylif were unaware that anyone had entered the chamber. Soon they were not aware of anything, as Chutnykorn and Slitterbing the Greedork figured out how to render them unconscious without harming them. Lodge's mind, for an instant, actually hoped that death was total non-existence; even that would be better than infinite unrelieved torture.

Shmeehobbers were more resilient than anyone with an endoskeleton. After another half hour testing and measuring everything of any relevance, Chutnykorn muttered "Here goes," and removed the input leads from Hutsut-Rilro's brain. Yes, Shmeehobbers have distinct brains, they are not amoebas. The plug had to be drawn out through her solid-but-elastic outer skin; but she would not lose a dangerous amount of her internal fluid before the exit hole could be patched. "Let her sleep," said the cyborg. "Slitterbing, which of the bipeds shows the best vital signs now?"

"Mister Krebkon."

"And the worst?"

"Sergeant Flake."

"So start on him next!" exclaimed Royurbota Quardimo.

With no delay in beginning the disconnect procedure, Chutnykorn remarked, "Saving him for last would be more theatrical, but never mind that."

The partly-Dahudoran heroine faced Lylah Mudpackis. "When Lodge is unhooked, please lift him with your Fuss levitation, so I can climb onto his table. Then lower him slowly to lie on top of me. Let him awaken to find himself in my arms."

"But what if he only thinks this is a false-hope detail in his torment?" said Lylah.

"A good point," replied Chutnykorn. But precisely because YOUR voice is unfamiliar to him, hearing you as he awakens will be a neutral thing."

"Chutnykorn's probably right," said Royurbota. "You can keep it neutral by not immediately telling him he's being set free. Maybe ask him if he remembers his name, his former occupation, like that. Don't even refer to me until he begins responding."

A minute later, the long-suffering rebel was lying cradled in his future wife's arms. (Surely none of you thinks I would kill him off NOW!!) Lylah began gently speaking to Lodge. While this was going on, Hutsut regained consciousness. Wibgug talked with her in their native language, explaining to her what had been done to her and her shipmates.

John Cardsharper presently joined them. "Lucy recharged her power enough that she could take over watching our prisoners. 'Prisoners' now includes more guards, and maintenance workers, who have meekly surrendered."

When updated on the recovery work, John began reading Lodge Flake's mind. "Be guardedly optimistic, Miss Quardimo. He is not exactly thinking right now, but I can tell that he IS NOT in a vegetative condition. The man you love still is in there-- or even in the worst case, enough long-term memory still is there, that he can be fully himself again after some therapy."

Royurbota managed a smile. "And I'll happily remember plenty of good things for him."

Lodge did not react to her voice, but it was too early for his not showing recognition to cause worry.

 

[Copperfox]

IN THE BABYLON-FIVE-BASED SUB-REALITY , Bruce and Deelyte Loxbagel had been secretly visited by Jedi-equivalent Fizzra Teenybopper, who told them about Queen-Emeritus Harshyanna of Kantpoo being exposed as a traitor to the Republic of Lots of Worlds. Harshyanna was revealed to have escaped with the even-more-evil Doctor Dizwarn, a former associate of House Snarkonnen in the Dune-based sub-reality.

Hearing that Harshyanna's top specialty was telling women to despise men, Bruce Loxbagel had an inspiration. He introduced Fizzra to a university chancellor (who DOESN'T hate men) named Yolanda Cruz, who could provide the young Fuss-user with temporary living quarters in which to hide out for a time. Next, without informing anyone else about Fizzra's errand, Bruce "just happened" to have an idea which might thwart attempts to create strife between males and females in the Bubblewrap Coalition. By means not traceable to Fizzra, Bruce formally asked the Republic to lend the Coalition some female up-siders, who could roam as independent inspectors. These Fuss adepts would be ready to expose any instances of women being forced to wear Handmaid costumes, or being asked to make sandwiches on short notice.

Two female volunteers from the Republic arrived in pretty short order. One was the slender, bird-like Zubdookree, who has been seen in past chapters. The other is a new character. Lodratrid Guft physically resembled, but is not meant as a version of, the character "Maz" in the Sequel Trilogy. Lodratrid was intelligent, but so far had never seen combat.

Fizzra was now smuggled away from Earth by Mintcandybarri confidants of Lady Deelyte, without the new arrivals ever knowing he had been there. Zubdookree and Lodratrid were ceremoniously introduced to Earth officials, and interstellar news outlets were encouraged to make a huge deal of their arrival. Any female journalist who had any grudges against men, including totally made-up grievances, was invited to do all the male-bashing she could come up with, as prevention against someone like Harshyanna pretending that females were silenced in Coalition media.

Dizwarn and Harshyanna would not even find out any of this for many days to come. But that was all right, because when the two up-siders went hunting for mostly-imaginary oppressors, they would also be familiarizing populations in the Coalition with Star Wars-ish society.

 

[Copperfox]

A good science-fiction franchise should, if possible, include a neighborhood, a city, an island, or a planet which is all gritty and cynical and dog-eat-doggish. A parody of "Babylon Five" DEMANDS one or more such settings. My version of the diplomatic space station remedied its interior-slum problem before I first showed it in my story; but as an alternative-- behold the planet Philm-Nwarr (pronounced "film noir," of course).

Think "Blade Runner," but with more than half of the planet's inhabitants being other than strictly-Earthling human types.

The largest, dirtiest, and most existentially pessimistic city on Philm-Nwarr was called Neechee-Kamoo (like "Nietzsche" and "Camus"). Stalking the alleys and parking lots of this Filthopolis wanna-be was an auburn-haired woman sufficiently human-like to be attractive to human tastes, but with enough subtle differences in her face to say: just human-LIKE. Her name was Karbeena Owtfeeld, and she had been stealing things ever since she learned to walk. Keeping her movements random, as part of avoiding robot cops, Karbeena only occasionally prowled Neechee-Kamoo's extensive aerospace landing field.

As plotline contrivance would have it, the predatory beauty was there on the afternoon when Zubdookree and Lodratrid arrived to begin the search for icky patriarchs on Philm-Nwarr.

Like the croaking of one frog being swallowed up in a swamp filled with frogs, the badness-aura of Karbeena Owtfeeld was obscured by a city overflowing with badness-auras. The two up-siders didn't realize that the thief-queen was poised on a fire escape..... until she jumped down and knocked the wingless-bird-like Fuss adept sprawling. Then she punched Lodratrid hard in the face with a metal-gauntleted left fist. (Karbeena tried to keep her right hand intact for safe-cracking and pocket-picking.)

It should have been a pathetically easy mugging. But Karbeena realized her mistake when an invisible hand seemed to clutch both her ankles, and raise her head-down to a considerably greater height than she had jumped from. The bird-like one, still keeping the thief helpless, looked at her unconscious friend. Then she glared at Karbeena. A high-pitched but NOT weak-sounding voice, facilitated by story-convenient language bridging, declared:

"She will recover, but will need regeneration of her front teeth. If it were worse, be certain that YOU WOULD NOT recover from what I would do to you. As it is, I offer you a chance to reach your next birthday. One chance only.

"Pledge your solemn word as a thief that you will serve and obey me until I release you. I will know if you mean it or not. If you refuse, or if you try to trick me, the last flight in your life will be straight down--- from TEN TIMES the height where you are now. Answer!"

"By my hope of being rich and passing in my sleep, I swear to obey you as you require, for as long as you require."

Zubdookree eased Karbeena to the ground, still head first-- and sharply bounced the thief's head on the hard pavement three times, as a little reminder of who was the boss now. Then, while forcing Karbeena to carry Lodratrid to an infirmary, she explained to the redhead what their mission was.

Karbeena Owtfeeld laughed roughly. "So now I get to ENFORCE the law?"

 

[Copperfox]

After Lodratrid's face was mended, local reporters joined the spaceport supervisor to hear about the Fuss ladies' quest. It was already known, in general terms, what they were about. One reporter proffered a thumb drive, which he said was two years' worth of arrest records for Neechee-Kamoo. SELECTED arrest records, only for men who harmed or bullied girls and women; but this WAS what the Fuss-users wanted. They were not in any case trying to cover all the law-enforcement bases. Zubdookree's endorsement of Karbeena as a new member of the mission was accepted.

The news coverage they had already gained was enough for the first visit; and employing Karbeena would be less awkward once away from the thief's native world. They caught a ride to another planet: none other than the homeworld of the Braykpedduli race. These were the reasonably human-like people whose eyesight was so keen that they got around better at night than in daylight.

The best-known characters here, in the story so far, are the Braykpedduli gentlewoman Yessa Ackerman, and her black-human husband Woodrow Ackerman. Just in case there was anything to urban myths about HUMAN males especially "hating everyone who was different," Zubdookree requested for-the-record interview with Yessa. Zubdookree neither desired nor expected to hear anything negative about Captain Ackerman; but for appearances, she sought the interview. Neither to Zubdookree, nor to Lodratrid, nor even to Karbeena, was the result a surprise. Although Karbeena lived a cynical life, she was too smart not to understand that noble-hearted males did exist.

Yessa had nothing but good to relate about the man who was now a high-ranking employee of her wealthy father. The high point was the story of how the couple had first crossed paths, when Woodrow's ship came to the aid of Yessa's damaged ship.

"I was trapped in a compartment with a jammed hatchway, hurt by a collapsing girder, air leaking away through a hull crack. Those of my crew who might have been best located to save me, were dead or disabled themselves. As soon as Woodrow's ship came alongside, he was one of the first four men to board us. Woodrow forced the hatch to my compartment, threw me into an emergency air sack, and started carrying me to safety. On the way to the boarding tube for his ship, HE got injured worse than I was, but he didn't abandon me. Afterwards, he was in a Braykpedduli hospital for many days.

"I discovered afterwards that Woodrow had a human fiancee...... but she couldn't be bothered to stick it out with him. She deserted him for another man. But I owed Woodrow my life, and I wasn't about to forget. This wasn't any romance to begin with, but my gratitude to him, and HIS gratitude for SOMEONE appreciating him, turned it into love, leading to the happiest marriage you could imagine. It has even been established that we WILL be able to have children together."

Lodratrid would remark to the other two women afterwards, "We're not finding as many oppressive men as some people wanted us to find."

But do not despair, young women attending West Coast universities: on other planets, the trio did find men who deserved to get beaten up.

 

[Copperfox]

< < < < < < < < <
Resuming action on Planet Chimpanzia, Pro Dashalong took his ship into orbit, where his onboard sensors analyzed the charged-particle content of near-planet space. When he landed again, he invited Diskoduck's robot Clankalot to analyze the findings. The robot soon replied:

"Certain characteristics of particle concentrations correlate with past activities of the now-extinct Shadythings from the Babylon Five-related storyverse. Hypothesis: your near-planet survey may indicate recent activity by the Glukks, a chaotic-evil spacefaring race which formerly assisted the Shadythings."

"There was a Glukk accompanying the Popquizzitors who assaulted Planet Riggblit!" exclaimed Quinine Sauce. His golden-skinned now-constant companion Samladel Fripp added, "He was slain in battle by a Mintcandybarri Anflaktikshok warrior named Hakstabkyll."

"So the sabotage of Sedalia's airplane might have been carried out by other Glukks," concluded Major Tex Tylus, referring to the test-pilot daughter of business-ape Lekravant.

The Chimpanzian Bansarios, mechanic and fiance to Sedalia, said, "But why would beings that advanced care what our people did in the pursuit of mere atmospheric flight?"

Hadrianus, a representative of the ape-world's Department of Transportation, ventured: "Our own state of science and industry probably ISN'T of particular interest to high-powered everything-doing evil aliens. But these Glukks probably know that we're friendly with Directvideo, a lightspeed-capable civilization. They may also be aware of Directvideo's recent commerce with the even-more-advanced Galactic Empire now ruled by the good-aligned Ashtrayides clan."

"So they don't want another good-aligned world acquiring the same technology level as Directvideo and House Ashtrayides possess," concluded Wilma Dearthing, wife of the oddly-superpowered Duke Diskoduck. (The author reminds himself here that one of Diskoduck's powers is flying in curves and arcs, optionally carrying other people with him; that's how he saved Sedalia and Wilma from going splat when the airplane's engine was killed.) "They hope our ape friends will ASK NOT to be given any further boosts, in order not to be targeted again."

"If so, those [bad language] will be disapppointed," snarled Antilacor, the Chimpanzian detective whose recent exploits included helping Master Plow Korn to hunt down the evil Face Twister Fooldemall.

Diskoduck shrugged. "I can at least try to look ahead." He was talking about one of his most recently revealed powers. He could foresee future events. But he could never choose what he would find out; and so far, the gift had never shown him any future event WHICH HE HAD ANY CHANCE OF CHANGING. Nonetheless, he performed his activating gesture: poking an index finger into one ear, withdrawing it, then sticking the other index finger into its neighboring ear. His eyes went out of focus for six or seven seconds..... Then he sighed.

"Well, now I know for certain that, on a planet in the Third Galaxy with insect-like inhabitants who have not yet achieved space flight, the next championship event in their counterpart of horse racing will be won by Rider Number Four."

"Please try again," Sweetslayer the former villainess asked.

"It can't hurt," said Wilma to her husband.

Diskoduck tried again-- and this time, his eyes went very wide.

"Lady Sweetslayer! From your former career on the down-side, do you remember anybody named Trillyun Subaru?"

Sweetslayer's eyes became almost as wide as the Duke's eyes had been. "Yes, I know of her! She performed missions for Admiral Skrawn; and shortly before my capture and conversion, I heard something about her joining up with one of those beings called Glukks!"

Diskoduck punched his left palm. "That fits what I just foresaw! In the very near future, Trillyun Subaru will meet cordially with some other Glukks, and will tell them about the Glukk who died fighting for her side on Riggblit. Then those Glukks will describe to Trillyun..... what THEY are doing to sabotage THIS planet's aviation efforts."

\\\ NOTE FOR THE READER, SOMETHING NOT KNOWN TO ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS ON CHIMPANIZIA : TRILLYUN, WITH HER EVIL ROBOT "ANTI-ASIMOV," IS GUILTY OF MURDERING FIVE DIRECTVIDEAN PEARL DIVERS ON PLANET KRIDMASHOR.