Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

When the Popquizzitor fetched her biped-wild-boar types from Wibwop, she said nothing about her evil actual plans. The Snitsnobbies. and the people of Kotbed and Vixrub, were all too decent in character to sign on with murder and robbery. Meanwhile, she had gotten hold of Thuglyfe Skrawn by subspace radio, and he had sent a cruiser to meet up with her.

Like the Star Wars character he was based on, Admiral Skrawn was such an effective leader because he was an expert at collecting information on a galactic scale, and an expert at getting along well with subordinates. Unlike Trillyun, he already knew who and what Traynrekk the Trampler was. There was even a space-pirate captain who had worked a little with Traynrekk after Galactikang's death; this woman had gotten word to the super-villain that he could benefit by collaboration with the Empire of Evil Badness.
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On Jumpstard, although Diskoduck had been unable to foresee anything affecting the Directvidean star system, King Woolywoofin enjoyed a degree of clairvoyance. Around the time when Trillyun Subaru flew to retrieve her bestial gunmen, the father of Bakerstray Bill realized, albeit not in detail, that the world to which he had assigned Speedy Greyhoundus faced a threat which might need stronger defense to stop.

Awkwardly, at the SAME time, word came in of enemies within Jumpstard's home galaxy being on the move. No need for Copperfox to describe them, because yeah, Bakerstray Bill and his lot will handle those enemies. But Woolywoofin could still spare someone capable of aiding the Directvidean system: a sapient magical creature known as the Ultraviolet Griffin. This avian being was colored purple, and he could generate ultraviolet laser beams from his eyes. Importantly, unlike most of the good guys currently present on or near Planet Chimpanzia, the Griffin could operate in vacuum without artificial protection. His wings would even still propel him in space, because fantasy.

The Fuss-talented Groan Starr, awake at the moment, was first to receive Woolywoofin's news that the Griffin was coming as an ally. He began telling all his comrades. Antilacor passed the word to his government.

Much as had elsewhere been done with Woodrow Ackerman's ship in Bubblewrap Coalition space, technical representatives of House Ashtrayides improved the survivability of Groaner's ship. The biggest improvement on Selenium Falcon, as on the Queen Yessa, was the hull-mounting of long-range ship-killer missiles. Groaner and Puke, joined by a Chimpanzian military cadet named Karkalon who was known as a good learner, began alternating sentry tours with Pro Dashalong. Tahushio, able to operate on her own in space, and able to fend off any likely attacks even from Traynrekk the Trampler, undertook to fill in gaps.

Surface-defense platoons were forming at each major Chimpanzian population center, with Count Havabeer and Speedy Greyhoundus among their leaders. The recently-acquired rayguns were being issued to the best-qualified users.

Before the filth struck the fan, Alec Hurdygurdy brought reinforcements. Part of the manpower he brought was deployed on Directvideo, since there was no guarantee that the human-run planet would not also be invaded or bombarded. But brave and well-disciplined as Ashtrayides warriors were, it was a significant handicap for them that they dared not use their personal shields in a combat environment where directed-energy weapons were absolutely certain to be used. They were issued body armor, but they were going to need to un-learn many battlefield habits.
 
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Ultraviolet Griffin landed on Chimpanzia before an assault came. Also before any assault, Master Plow Korn entered orbit over Directvideo, in command of a heavy space cruiser. In addition, the planetary shield, like the one in "Spaceballs" was re-established. So King Lowbrain's realm was in better shape; any further protection could and would be allocated to Chimpanzia.

One more unexpected addition turned up-- coming all the way from the Second Galaxy. Since that galaxy's Cosmic Federation had been freed from evil rulers, the good wizard Mazash teleported to the Directvidean star system someone who had a motive to defend that system. Slick Mudpackis, formerly called Dark Headgear, had been part of the attempt to kill the entire population of Directvideo; being on the up-side now, he was anxious to make amends for what he ALMOST had done. Helping Lodge Flake's faction to defeat the tyrant Vernacula Scurvylaff had proven Slick's conversion; and Mazash telepathically assured the Directvideans that the ex-villain really was a good guy now.

Princess Vixen stayed out of the action this time, safeguarded in her father's palace. She was in a family way.

Slick, and some of those who had been with him in the "Blake's Seven"-derived plotline, showed up over Chimpanzia in a Ziblamot starship, with the valiant Braskorim among the crew. The long-armed, highly civilized beings were interested in getting to know part of the galaxy from which help had come to them. Once Groan Starr mentally scanned his former deadly enemy and also pronounced him genuinely converted, everyone else was okay with him; and Plow Korn had similarly vetted the Ziblamots when they initially contacted Directvideo. So the Ziblamot ship traversed in-system space, and joined the force protecting Chimpanzia. Unlike the other ships on scene, the new arrival had a big enough crew to rotate duty, enabling uninterrupted readiness.

Those of the latest reinforcements who were best suited to take part in surface combat-- including John Cardsharper and Tarp Kanvas-- were added to the protectors of the ape capital. This was in part because the civilian apes in the capital were the most accustomed to contact with off-worlders, and would not be worried by the strangeness of benign visitors. Amid the introductions, Diskoduck and the others who had visited Jumpstard with him also returned from the Third Galaxy.

Mazash departed, because he was only allowed to do so much active intervention against evil.

It was as well that the newest allies gained prompt acceptance, because Traynrekk the Trampler was himself almost ready to attack.

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Slick Mudpackis and ex-Popquizzitor Sweetslayer had never before met in person. Slick in his former evilness had been in charge of down-side activity in the space near Spacebull, Directvideo and Nagobah; Emperor Porkanbeen, and later Grand Admiral Skrawn, had been content to leave that region to him. Slick and Sweetslayer now enjoyed swapping stories of their conversions to goodness; their spouses Krayzee and Tex were present for the conversation.

Any time the Ultraviolet Griffin was awake but not on patrol, he would ply his new friends, human or otherwise, with questions, He had never entered the Milky Way galaxy before, let alone the Probably-Andromeda galaxy where the Heart Sapphire Sisterhood had originated. Count Havabeer from the former Calamari Empire was especially enthusiastic to question the Griffin and the Ziblamots, as he had earlier questioned Speedy Greyhoundus. He was, after all, native to a huge galactic civilization where no non-human sapients were indigenous.

From this point, there was about one more day remaining for everyone to prepare, before the onslaught would fall upon them.
 
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Not to let the good guys have it easy, Trillyun and Traynrekk had ALSO added another heavy hitter to their lineup. The newcomer had been around for a long time, but had little direct experience of encountering Fuss users. He and Traynrekk, however, knew each other by reputation, sort of the way one architect might know the work of another architect. The "newcomer" had otherwise been around a lot, and early on he offered advice to the "newbie" super-villain:

"Galactikang didn't need to eat planets; there WERE other ways he could have sustained himself. Besides, once you devour a species, you can't toy with them. The real fun is in breaking their spirits. Make them so intimidated, so fear-haunted, so submissive, that they'll sacrifice their own mothers to appease you. What's more, you don't even always need to make them afraid OF YOU; they can also be demoralized by distrust and suspicion of each other, while you pose as a rescuer, even a peacemaker."

The new villain, who was a bit larger than Twerpseid, had lately been in the Justice League-derived story-reality. Sort of on the outskirts.

He was the foul-hearted giant, Duke Terror.

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Meanwhile, in the Second (probably Andromeda) Galaxy, King Highfyver of New Laziness was worried over the fact that the evil rulers of the Cosmic Federation had been overthrown. Vernacula Scurvylaff's regime had been just the sort of evil tyranny which Highfyver could be comfortable appeasing and making cowardly concessions to. Now, not only was representative government being restored there, but the long-abused Lodge Flake had been transformed into a Superman-level superhero. The gallant fighter for justice and individual rights was now in a position to locate and challenge other tyrannies, liberate other oppressed peoples.

Then, horror of horrors, Highfyver himself might be shamed and rebuked for NOT having helped liberate anybody.

After consulting with the permanently-depowered Twerpseid, the King of New Laziness decided that his first move should be to remedy the tendency for some of his own people to start joining the active champions of goodness. Accordingly, he summoned a woman who had been part of the operations on Jersey Earth, and who HAD NOT acknowledged what a blunder this had been. This was Heart Sapphire Jitra Pooklar, who looked exactly like an Earthling Native American woman except for having a prehensile tail.
 
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The dark-skinned, human-for-all-purposes Heart Sapphire Tahushio Bleebu was with Sedalia the ape-aviator and her family circle, at the still-operational airfield in Chimpanzia's southern hemisphere; some of the orangutan warriors were there as well, armed with newly-issued rayguns. Tahushio was absorbing information about this planet's modest industrial base, and about the extent to which the Chimpanzians understood interstellar civilization. One such discussion was in progress when, by the action of King Highfyver across an incomprehensible distance, an unseen force gently pushed people away from a certain spot right in front of Tahushio, and Sapphire Sister Jitra Pooklar materialized in that space.

Recognizing Jitra, Tahushio stood expectantly. The new arrival said: "Yodorum tofatuha pigno shemjath beevarik." This, from a language known in the Second Galaxy, meant in substance: WE NEED TO HAVE A DIALOGUE WHICH, THOUGH NOT HOSTILE, WILL INVOLVE THE URGENT NEED TO DISARM A POTENTIAL CASE OF DISCORD BETWEEN THOSE WHO SHOULD ALWAYS LOVE EACH OTHER. Nodding, Tahushio stepped forward into Jitra's arms. The latter also encircled Tahushio's waist with her tail. Embracing at once tenderly and tensely, they leaned their foreheads together so that their power gems touched.

Both gems united to create an almost-opaque isolation sphere around the two women. There was no danger of them suffocating; the barrier would regenerate air as it would have done in vacuum. Though blocking sound against outside listeners, the sphere would not muffle any sound its occupants made inside. But their present communication was effectively telepathic, eliminating any possibility of one misreading the other's intent. Barring some huge disaster, or one of them losing consciousness, the sphere could not be dissipated unless and until BOTH women were ready to switch it off. The dialogue proceeded, filled with intense emotions on both sides.

As Earthlings would do well to remember, two persons may disagree with each other profoundly, even frantically, WITHOUT this meaning that either one would ever even think of wishing harm to the other........

TAHUSHIO: Are you here to investigate our situation?

JITRA: Only peripherally. In common with several more senior Sisters, I am concerned for your integrity.

TAHUSHIO: You mean that Highfyver is concerned about it

JITRA: Of course he is. I could not lie during the Embrace of Minds even if I wanted to. But in this context, it is the feelings of the Sisterhood which are pertinent to this meeting. Highfyver has many interests which are impersonal, even mechanical; it makes perfect sense for him to leave the songs of the heart to the overseeing of the Sapphire Sisters.

TAHUSHIO: Then what is your worry for my integrity?

JITRA: For sure, not any matter of you causing harm to anyone. But we are worried that you might be forgetting who can best judge what is good for the universe. King Highfyver is wise, but the proof of his wisdom is in his trust in women. Only because of this is he in harmony with Mother Universe. Only by this harmony was he able to devise the Anti-Strife Equation, one copy of which we retrieved for him when we brought blessings to the Earth-variant where Sister Nolarivu now dwells.

TAHUSHIO: Have you forgotten that I was one of the three coordinators of that love-campaign? The three of us knew all along that retrieving the Equation recording there was half the reason for our presence there. And we three could not fail to see how much damage we did to those Earthlings, because our hunt for the hidden data device distracted us from tracking the harsh realities of logistics! If the same Green Flashlights whom we regarded as inferior in wisdom-- even regarded the female Flashlights as less wise than we were --had not intervened, we might have caused planet-wide starvation!

JITRA: I fear for you, dear Tahushio. Merely because that project could have done harm, do you feel obligated now to join and assist the sapients gathered on this world, who are willing deliberately to slay other sapient creatures?

TAHUSHIO: Before I even landed on this planet, its inhabitants had been shown that some alien beings were already willing to slay them without provocation. My own actions to support the Chimpanzians will not in any case entail myself taking any lives; but the ape-folk deserve my help. No, my opposing invaders will not make me "just as bad as" the invaders. But my failing to aid the defenders would be the same thing as my helping the aggressors!

JITRA: Sweet Sister, do you actually regard your inclination as conducive to the cause of peace? Remember that it takes two sides to fight!

TAHUSHIO: Darling colleague, if one side cares only for selfish victory, so the other side lies down and passively dies to the very last person in order to avoid fighting, how is this an improvement over combat?

JITRA: Wherever love has been demonstrated, that is an improvement in itself.

TAHUSHIO: Dear one, you're thinking in platitudes. If only the predators are left standing, who will benefit by the demonstration of love?

JITRA: Every time the spirit of peace is exercised, someone is sure to benefit. So my heart tells me, and how can feelings be wrong?

TAHUSHIO: Has it not occurred to you that the attackers also have their own feelings?

JITRA: But their feelings...... Oh, wait a minute. What a strange-- I mean, this--

TAHUSHIO (mentally smiling): As our physical heartbeats are beating together now, so your mind is beginning to sense what I began sensing not very long ago. Sometimes we have to take a side, or love is meaningless.

By the time the two Heart Sapphires let go of each other and shut off their double isolation sphere, Jitra Pooklar had agreed to stay on Chimpanzia. She would join Tahushio Bleebu in assisting the Chimpanzians and their allies, provided that the duo took no part personally in killing anyone. Groan Starr, Alec Hurdygurdy and other good guys had no problem with this. It would be like the role of battlefield medics, and battlefield medics could be as valiant as anyone, more valiant than most.
 
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Completely removed from any other action recently described---

Copperfox reminds readers that, near opposite ends of the Red Streak Wormhole, there are two planets with native sapient races who physically resemble each other at least as closely as most aliens in Original Star Trek resemble humans. At "our" end of the wormhole dwell the Hoofmarkians, who closely resemble mythical Centaurs, only with heads like bears; at the other end are the Jinobridons (accent the 2nd syllable), who look mostly the same. Once having been put in touch with each other, the two races can and do freely intermarry.

When these closely-related species were first introduced in our saga, Planet Hoofmark enjoyed an industrialized society, about as technologically advanced as the United States in 1850. Planet Jinobrid, by contrast, was disadvantaged because its parent sun was a relatively faint, weak red star. Much of Jinobrid's land area was permanently covered by glaciers, limiting the available space both for agriculture and for mineral extraction. Even solar power was almost pointless to introduce on dimly-lighted Jinobrid.

Lord Katmatao, leader of the Janitors of the Universe on Planet Wawa, assigned several Green Flashlights to assist Hoofmarkians in teaching feasible technology improvements to their less-fortunate cousins at the far end of the Red Streak. One Flashlight who worked there for a time was Parbellik Magta, who eventually married the Dahudoran woman Gambisu Luvardra and became involved in my "Blake's Seven"-derived plot arc. Besides medical advances, the greatest success in modernizing Jinobridon was making a reasonable amount of electricity available by means of water power. Continuous melt-off on the edges of the glaciers created enough rivers that every continental territory could establish water-driven generator turbines. Communities all over the planet began learning to establish priorities for WHAT uses of electrical power they would adopt.

So far, no icky evil aliens have invaded Jinobrid; the Flashlight Corps would frown severely on such an offense. We now bring this planet up even with "present time" for other story arcs........

Green Flashlight Jamsorvad, who took part in the recovery of Jersey Earth, afterwards joined the Magtas in the mission to the Cosmic Federation, which included seeking and finding the long-suffering hero Lodge Flake. But in the course of this plotline, the baboon-shaped hero lost his Flashlight artifact. After getting a new Flashlight made for him on Wawa, he accompanied Yintruba, the highest-ranking female "Janitor,"
to join the lobster-shaped Green Flashlight Chubkripdak on Jinobrid.

Landing on the shore of Weejarzee Island, Yintruba and Jamsorvad were met by Master Craftsmale Shifraf ti-Winloth: one of the first Jinobridons to embrace new scientific knowledge eagerly. "Right now," the centauroid informed the new arrivals, "Chubkripdak is inspecting the thermal-vent
power stations deep inside the Kebtoja Trench" --and he pointed south-westward over the water.

"Are these renewable-energy installations doing well?" asked Yintruba.

"Yes, they're working out, precisely BECAUSE the Weejarzites aren't overdoing it. To date, the power output is all being used for applications like towing incoming barges past the barely-submerged sandbar north of here. A stop-gap until a passage can be dredged out."

An adolescent male Hoofmarkian, who was doing a sort of internship with Shifraf in the thriving sector of technological development, spoke up: "My name is Vomgust. Nobody at my school back home was ever more eager for achievement than the local youngsters who attend Chubkripdak's lessons. You might have heard that this island used to be the most resistant to progress of any Jinobridon community. Not any more!"

"Master Yintruba," said Jamsorvad, "by your leave, while Shifraf is reporting to you, I shall dive down and take a first-hand look at Chubkripdak's geothermal power stations."
 
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Jamsorvad could not see in reduced light nearly as well as Chubkripdak's race could; but the same Flashlight power which kept the baboonoid from drowning, illuminated his surroundings. When the lobsteroid popped up from behind some thick aquatic vegetation, Jamsorvad reflected: If I didn't know he's a friend, and if I lacked my power to fend off attacking monsters, his abrupt appearance would be scary. As it was---

"Welcome, Jamsorvad. It was good to learn that Vernacula Scurvylaff was defeated, and the survivors of Flake's Seven were liberated."

With a toothy grin, Jamsorvad replied, "There's more. Kind of like the phrase in the Bible on Original Earth: 'The first will be last, and the last will be first.' Lodge Flake, who was persecuted and tortured for so long, was turned into a high-grade superhero! He has to stay normal part of the time; but while his powers are active, he's nearly as strong as King Truthside who took over Awkwardlisp."

Chubkripdak performed the gesture with his secondary forelimbs which expressed cheerfulness. Then: "If things are better now in the Cosmic Federation, maybe the new superhero could be persuaded to drop in here at intervals."

"On general principles? Or do you anticipate future danger? Yintruba didn't mention any such worries. But Jinobrid IS located at one end of the main passage between two inhabited galaxies, and has NO superheroes in its own population."

"Of course, if the Janitors of the Universe would select at least one Jinobridon to become a locally-based Green Flashlight, that would be a major game-changer by itself. You've been in the Corps far longer than I have; what odds do you give it?"

"Perfectly possible, actually. The Janitors don't often talk about their intentions while visiting frontier worlds which might be under covert surveillance by evildoers. But that kid Vomgust strikes me as a likely candidate, especially since the narrator was so quick to bring his existence to the readers' attention. Be this as it may, the Flashlight Academy only CAN handle so many cadets at one time, and it's a big universe. Katmatao and the other leaders need to prioritize; need to decide what star systems have the greatest vulnerability, and are most likely to be of interest to evildoers."

Chubkripdak lowered his antennae, a gesture of concern for the welfare of others. "Even if nothing combative is likely to occur here, think about how Indabog and Parbellik helped out here in totally peaceful and constructive ways. No matter how much science we and the Hoofmarkians teach to the Jinobridons, this resource-poor world simply NEVER WILL possess the industrial potential enjoyed by Earth-like worlds. Because of this, full-time OR EVEN TEMPORARY services from Flashlight wielders can mean plenty. Since our Flashlights run on ambiguous plotline-convenient universe-juice, we can perform big tasks, like long-term flood control, without ANY depletion of local resources."

Unlike his crustacean friend, Jamsorvad could shrug like a human. "If nothing else, Lady YIntruba can't possibly object to my joining in your current work, no pun intended. So, tell me more about what can be done with ocean-floor thermal vents."

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Yintruba could scarcely dispute the author's hints about Vomgust, so she transported the promising young bear-headed stallion back to Planet Wawa with her. He would learn to live by the Flashlight creed:

"In brightest day, in deepest dark, / No evil is allowed to park. / When villains try to make a mark, / My lamp will shrink them to a quark!"

With Yintruba's permission, Jamsorvad stayed on with Chubkripdak, both advancing ocean-floor projects and questioning various Jinobridon communities about what they most urgently needed. This was not going to be an unlimited genie-in-the-bottle indulgence of wishes; the centauroids would have to contribute labor themselves, and afterwards must maintain whatever was built or designed for their use. In this way, time passed-- in whatever extent is most compatible with other plot arcs.

Regular meetings with responsible persons gave the two Flashlights concrete goals to pursue: things like opening passages through ridge lines, to enable the locals to build roads through the gaps. On a fine afternoon (as fine as any day could be on such a dreary planet) when they were setting up direction markers for their latest roadbuilding crew, an interruption occurred.

Like a giant sheet of paper being torn, an irregular-shaped door opened in the air. Through it stepped an attractive young human woman with black hair. As soon as she was fully present, her doorway vanished-- and the young woman exclaimed, "Attention, everyone! My name is Antimerica Chutzpah, and everything is about me!"

"Define 'everything'," said a local centaur-mare who was with them.

Raising her nose, Antimerica replied, "That definition varies with my mood. One thing which recently mattered was my getting surgical repairs to an injury in my mouth and cheeks. The projectile which passed through my face is for some reason magic-resistant. The surgeon wanted first to remove a cancerous tumor from the stomach of some useless nobody, but I corrected his priorities. Now I can more easily proclaim to the universe my perfect glory! I have thus come to your backward star system to enlighten all of you. Anything you accomplish here is really MY accomplishment, because only I made it possible. And in case you imagine defying me---"

Boaster or not, Antimerica did have magic powers. In a flicker, Chubkripdak and Jamsorvad found their Flashlight prostheses being yanked away, landing in the black-haired woman's hands.

"Keeping you two close to me will help to demonstrate to the locals that, unlike most males of any species, I don't hate everyone that's different. Let us now bring enlightenment to this world, blessing them with the joyful revelation that everything is about Antimerica Chutzpah!"

As the two embarrassed heroes were pondering whether a sudden rush might let them reclaim their power-artifacts, a clearly sorcerous lightning bolt struck at Antimerica's four o'clock, eleven or twelve paces off. Next instant, a handsome gentleman with curly medium-brown hair, wearing a cape as part of a costume whose logo featured scales of justice, appeared. Accompanying him was a fine-looking dark-haired woman-- whose hair was NOT QUITE the same shade as any full-human hair. Also present were two extremely odd, translucent, blobby creatures. They were not so shapeless as to slump into puddles; they rose as high from the ground as the woman's knees; but it did look as if they could alter their form to a serious extent. The outer membrane which contained their protoplasm was dotted with dozens of eyes.

Recovering quickly from surprise, Antimerica shouted: "This isn't your storyline, it's mine! Either worship me, or get lost!"

The newly-materialized woman laughed. "Third option: you get taken down a peg." Her husband, for so he was, gestured-- and the stolen Flashlight artifacts returned to their rightful possessors. The caped hero proceeded to explain things.

"I am Lodge Flake, native of Planet Madmaksilon, lately a rebel against unjust authority, now a defender of LEGITIMATE authority. I also go by the hero-name of Captain Rightawrong; and my newly-gained powers include a magical element, thanks to the good wiz--"

Antimerica ran up and attempted a high kick at Lodge's head. He didn't bother blocking or evading it; all the superhuman spoiled brat achieved was to hurt her foot. She began crying, "That's not FAIR! You're supposed to fall down!"

Rightawrong's wife smiled at him as he resumed: "Nope. We aren't in the narrative of all women being better at everything than all men. Where was I? Right: the wizard Mazash. This lady is my second cousin and wife, Royurbota. And here are Mister Awk-Awk and Mistress Hutsut, of the Shmeehobber people, highly respected in the now-reformed Cosmic Federation."
 
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While Antimerica pulled off one shoe and rubbed her sore foot, the Shmeehobber couple waddled up to her. Jamsorvad joined them, and spoke first to the magical brat. "Since you seem to presuppose that females are categorically superior to any and all males, I inform you that Shmeehobbers have males and females--"

"You nasty patriarch!" Antimerica barked. "You should say 'females' FIRST!"

Hutsut extruded a limb to pat her baboonoid friend on the shoulder. "Thanks, Jammy, I'll take it now. Miss Chutzpah, I'm Hutsut, I'm the female. My husband and I have no need to score points against each other. Why are you so belligerent?"

"I'm not belligerent, I merely have proper self-love. As all women are better than all men, so I am better than all other women! THIS is why I rightly declare that everything is about me. No story can be worth telling if I'm not at the center."

"Good stories will include hardship, or will at least recognize the possibility of hardship. Have you ever suffered pain worse than the wound you received in your cheeks and tongue?"

"No, thank the Universe. I shouldn't have suffered even that much, because I'm the supreme hero."

Hutsut had at least eight eyes fixed on the super-narcissist. "And how did you manage to be heroic without a hero's journey?"

"Hmph! I am the journey! I am the story! I am the prize! I am the message! I am the table! Did I leave anything out?"

"Yes, you left out courage, adversity and sacrifice."

Antimerica scowled. "It is enough of a sacrifice that I waste my time trying to make lesser beings perceive my glory."

"Yet by your own admission, life has never been REALLY harsh on you. Now, look at my husband. He was VERY badly treated by the former government of our interstellar civilization; and Lodge back there, before he became virtually unbeatable, suffered even worse-- while both Royurbota and I endured agonies of dread, expecting to learn that the men we loved had been murdered."

Royurbota stepped up. "I'm female too, so you can listen to me. Have you EVER loved anyone?"

The super-narcissist put her shoe back on. "I already told you: I love the person most worthy of love, which is myself!"

Awk-Awk finally said something: "All of us here, with all the Jinobridons and Hoofmarkians working the projects nearby, know how to love OTHER people. In fact, there are believers in other-love in every thread of the Never-Stopping Story."

"How inefficient of them. Loving ME would be enough other-love to suit them."

Scuttling around Antimerica, Chubkripdak said to Lodge, "Don't you think she needs a reality check?"

Lodge a.k.a. Captain RIghtawrong nodded, then faced the super-brat. "Since I take no delight in slaying, my superpower toolbox includes an ability to WEAKEN evildoers."

Antimerica, standing upright by now, swung her head in all directions. Not at all joking, she asked, "Where are there any evildoers?"

"I bet you'll realize it in a few seconds;" and Lodge emitted wide-angle beams from his eyes, which enveloped her. Suddenly dizzy, she staggered off to the right, then to the rear, then sat down on a tree stump. Lodge could only do this particular stunt once in every other time of being super, but it was well used in this instance. "You no longer have any metahuman abilities at all. From now on, you'll have to get by with what regular human beings have."

Her eyes widened. She tried to make an opening in reality, but nothing happened. "This can't BE!! How can the universe be all about me if I lose my magic???"

Royurbota scornfully tweaked Antimerica's nose. "YOUR OWN story still is about you. And it isn't too late for it to be a story of redemption. The others will agree with me when I say that this planet will afford opportunities for you to WORK at some productive employment. In fact, any of the new schools being established on Jinobrid would happily accept you as a teacher of other-planets history."

Lodge muttered to Hutsut, "I need to switch off my powers for now, so I won't have to wait LONGER than four days to transport us home."

Awk-Awk interjected, "Maybe Hutsut and I should remain here. Not only would our uniqueness facilitate the Jinobridons' galactic education, but we can enhance the undersea projects. We can withstand ENORMOUS water pressures, and our equivalent of your sense of taste can distinguish chemical compositions of substances on the ocean floor."

FROM HERE, WE'LL REJOIN BLACK GIRAFFE AND THE OTHER GOOD GUYS ON PLANET POWURKORD.
 
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In another farm-country town, Henshok Vorga-- the dorky schoolboy from whom the Jargon party had first gained indications of the laziness plague-- was prowling on his own, when he enjoyed a breakthrough in his new career as a "Cosmic Fact Checker." On the local equivalent of a Saturday afternoon, Henshok noticed a dozen or more girls near his own age fishing in a creek. They paid him no immediate attention as he walked toward them; but his attention was captured when he HEARD one girl's voice.

Copperfox reminds the reader that "Cosmic Fact Checkers" CANNOT hear any speech which ISN'T uttered by a person holding politically-correct views. What Henshok heard was:

".....the most fundamental equity and justice! My parental units are SO reactionary; they expect me to look for a JOB, as if embracing the oneness of the universe weren't enough!"

Henshok suddenly realized that, insofar as he even COULD love anyone besides himself and maybe his mother Pegglu a little bit, he was now madly in love with the girl who was talking.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Swimmer Mars was continuing to hunt for Maltibalkrix, the evil Quark-Elf Lord who had been poking around the system. Swimmer Pluto had introduced Ying Cheng-Li and Bagavish Ogoshi to the Heptagorta. The two martial artists then joined up with Dim Jargon, Tien-Hai Jargon, and the local Banjolorian Dortabesk.

Cheng-Li asked his daughter, "Where did Nabirye Jared go?" This was Black Giraffe's regular name. (Note that in the Uganda of Anime Earth, just as in the Uganda of Original Earth, family names are given first.)

"The last I heard, Father, he was working at getting Heart Sapphire Joza-Varu-Paf to fall desperately in love with him, so that she'll renounce her activities which aren't helping Powurkordean society. After all, EVERY version of Harley Quinn in our Never-Stopping Story has been brought over to the side of good."

The noble white-haired Eagle Claw master shook his head. "From what I hear about those conversions, the very fact of their having done undeniably wicked things helped them finally to see their need of redemption. But Lucy Luminous once explained to me that the Sapphire Sisters are just sufficiently well-intentioned that they can convince themselves they DON'T need any correction."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Among non-Banjolorian citizens of Powurkord, those who had resisted the video-game addiction tended to be very fond of social dancing. They enjoyed multiple styles, including close counterparts of Swing Era and Disco Era on Original Earth.

One of the least-disrupted cities had a large town square which was deliberately designed to facilitate recreational dances. On a mild evening, Jared the Black Giraffe and the yellow-skinned, purple-haired lady found themselves the most admired couple at the ball. A clothing merchant had given them local-style formal attire as a gift. They made a striking couple, even if one ignored their long necks; and for the whole evening, they were NEVER farther apart than three paces.

Except when one or the other took some refreshments, or needed to use a restroom. Yes, even in fantasy worlds, people still need to go to the restroom. But for more than three-quarters of the time, they never even moved out of each other's arms.

They were both too courteous to ignore dancers who spoke to them, but for their part they did not prolong any such conversations. All talk between Jared and Joza was about his wanting her to realize that Drigum Namdre was evil, and that the Sapphire Sisterhood was in error about some important subjects. While he could not strictly read minds, Jared could pick up clues by sensing fluctuations in the electrical activity of a person's brain. When he was convinced that he was winning her over in the debate, he permitted himself to proceed at winning her over the other way.

For the last twenty minutes of the ball, Jared and Joza didn't even budge from where they stood, but gripped each other urgently and kissed each other's neck, cheeks and mouth endlessly. They didn't let up until after the musicians departed and custodians began sweeping up the square.

Those townspeople who best understood their planet's overall situation earnestly hoped that this new romance would work AGAINST, not in favor of, the influences weakening their society.
 
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Any life-supporting planet as big as Earth, even if its population is far less, WILL have stuff going on in more than two or three places. We now turn our attention to an island about the size of Puerto Rico, albeit at a cooler latitude. The island of Kremdilkrem was home to smart, industrious people, who owned some well-run, fairly environment-friendly mining and manufacturing concerns. They all had maintained enough good sense NOT to become game addicts; thus, while not outright hostile to Banjolorians, they had not NEEDED any Banjolorians to prevent a social collapse. Their products were shipped by water to other lands; and items traded to them, such as textile goods, were shipped back. (The already-known character Hissfadred, as a rule, had very little business connection with Kremdilkremmers; they lived very far away from Raxamento.)

The elected members of the governing Heptagorta, and our assorted visiting heroes by the Heptarchs' example, had so far not been worried about the respectable Kremdilkremmers being ruined by obsessive game-playing. But there's always more than one potential source of trouble......
,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, ,,,

"Ladies and gentlemen, you have heard of interstellar entrepreneurs, even if you haven't seen any on Powurkord. You may think of the consortium we represent as testing a business model which, if proving effective here, might equally work on more heavily populated worlds." The speaker, her face rendered somehow glamorous by the crimson light washing over it, glanced for approval at the tall, solemn sort-of-man who was the least talkative of the three visitors. He nodded.

Maltibalkrix was not a shape-changer, but he could look civilized and reasonable when he wanted to. He was, after all, dealing with a civilized and reasonable audience.

He had the benefit of this companion who was clearly a Powurkordean, and who was the first Heart Sapphire any of these money-hunters had seen. Tebzaldu was a forty-something suburban-equivalent woman, still reasonably attractive, hailing from a province with which these businesspeople did commerce. The gathered executives didn't need to know that, after gaining her Sapphire prosthesis, Tebzaldu had been sought out by Pegglu Vorga, who persuaded her to abandon her family in favor of amusing herself.

Pegglu had then gone her way, never finding out how the king of Quark-Elves persuaded the new Heart Sister to wander off on a tangent. Also drawn into collaboration with Maltibalkrix was the Mediumgard-Tibetan Drigum Namdre, who, unlike the Quark Lord, specialized in persuasion rather than mass murder. The cosmic villain SUPPOSED he could forego frivolous bloodletting if a non-lethal strategy would increase his power. Large-scale killing would probably bring the Spacer Swimmers down onto the super-villain's head; but peacefully acquiring a foothold in this planet's finances would probably go unnoticed.

Therefore, persuasion it was. Even with her new powers, Tebzaldu was more normal in any Powurkordean's eyes than the darkness-wielder or the former Buddhist monk. So, as far as the Kremdilkremmers themselves realized, the exotic woman was making perfect sense in all she said. At the same time, Drigum was much more able than either Maltibalkrix or Tebzaldu to exert subtle mind control which would get the Kremdilkremmer executives into the Quark Lord's corner. Without the mystic's intangible nudging at the business people's brains, Tebzaldu would have been compelled to do her homework, and offer the equivalent of a PowerPoint presentation.

"My associate Mister Namdre has his own means of scouting locations for hardware placement. My associate Mister Krix can lay the seafloor cables to run to multiple seaports as YOU recommend. His hard-line communications network will be undetectable to any signal-spotting technology known to the Republic of Lots of Worlds, the Empire of Evil Badness, or the Bubblewrap Coalition. Your market information will reach your offices on this island without anyone realizing it was tapped."

A fat man resembling the businessman caricatures in "The Last Jedi" said, "You do realize that insider trading at stock exchanges is illegal, don't you?"

"Of course we know that," Maltibalakrix replied. "Is this a problem for you?"

"Not at all. Remember, I'm a stereotyped bandit capitalist; my function in any story is to convince people that individual ownership of industrial combines is innately bad, so they'll infer that GOVERNMENT ownership of industry is the universal remedy."

"Excellent" Drigum Namdre exclaimed. "And of course, insightful persons like yourself are so valuable to society, that you can and should be granted an exemption from the general rule of collectivism."
 
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The young Powurkordean woman called Veshbard, one of this planet's first-enlisted Heart Sapphires, had decided to find Henshok Vorga and make sure he was all right. She located the young "Cosmic Fact Checker" in the lately-mentioned rural area. He was quite well; in fact, to Veshbard's pleasant surprise, Henshok had even succeeded in making a new Sapphire Sister out of Laptonella, the country girl he had been smitten with.

Henshok and Laptonella were enjoying each other's company. They were SO enjoying each other's company. Dang, but were they EVER enjoying each other's company. In case any readers raise their eyebrows at this, at least young Mister Vorga was now interacting WITH AN ACTUAL PERSON, rather than with a game console. Veshbard would report this much to Pegglu, and look Henshok up again in a day or two.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Bulky Tanya and companions, on the starship Tantrum, had landed at the same spaceport where Tulsi Blash worked. Heptor Wadwelz met them, summarizing the present state of the video-game-addiction plague which had been followed by the advent of Heart Sapphires. Tanya had heard a little about the Sapphire Sisterhood, but wasn't impressed. She remarked to Lashrook, "If I ever get to claim the Dimsaber, I'll bet I could cut through that force-field variant easily enough."

"Be that as it may," said the big man, "we should go meet with Frib Deenree" (meaning the female Banjolorian who works for the boat-builder Hissfadred).

"I can assist you there," the statesman assured them.
 
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We're overdue to have a multi-arc review of active plotlines. Some reminders at least.

On Planet Punksteema, Ronald of Goliad and Wyatt Hickok have parted: not in estrangement, but on different errands, each man accompanied by two of the four surviving new Towermen. Meanwhile, the ronin Jonawiku led a successful defense against Sledge Nomad raiders; and the young Queen Sotavalit of Mifdola is now very happily married to the knowledge-wizard Felipe Catalano. It has been confirmed that the evil Frantic Druids do indeed have a permanent base on Punksteema's low-flying moon; the good-aligned Mellow Druids are involved in countering this threat.

On "Terra," villains loosely derived from "Shazam Two: Fury of the Gods" are making trouble. Besides local superheroes, they are being opposed by two "imported" DC-variant heroes; my versions of Cyclone and Atom Smasher from "Black Adam." Also taking part in events are my fully-original Korean superhero, Kimchee Man, and my fully-original Ghanaian superhero Sky Lioness.

On Seedubb, the first Earth-variant to have been seen in our story, the ambitious thief Actsnarky formed a loose alliance with the Vietnamese mafia. In particular, with a gang leader known as Teo-doi Tan-lan, which means "Monitor Lizard." Lizard would branch out into Louisiana, a comfortable environment for him, and outside of where Actsnarky's interests lay.

On "Urth," my version of the Justice League has relatively-minor but cunning villains to contend with, including the Aztec super-villain Chief Obsidian and the female speedster called Rattle-Sneak. Visitors from "Earth-Whichever," notably Preston "Truthside" Vincent who now rules Planet Awkwardlisp, are helping to investigate the menace of the little-understood new villain, Duke Terror.

Finally returning to some of what BEGAN this entire saga, my versions of Lone Starr, Princess Vespa and Puke are entangled in a super-complicated scenario which also involves my version of Beta Ray Bill. For those who don't remember Mel Brooks' film "Spaceballs," THAT movie placed the Planet of the Apes close to Princess Vespa's home planet of Druidia. I have retained this detail with my story-planet of Chimpanzia. Add the fact that in MY story, Groan Starr has a family connection with my version of House Atreides in "Dune," so versions of "Dune" characters are also entangled. The immediate situation is that Chimpanzians were trying to build airplanes (a huge technological advance for them), and hidden villains were sabotaging the effort.

WHAT WE PICK UP NEXT HAS TO DO WITH DUKE TERROR.
 
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We behold seven heroes and a native guide on the Zazdub World, most of these heroes hailing from Earth-variants. The exotic blue-skinned Chisskurdian woman, formerly one of Granny Rudeness' War Witches, was the lone exception.

Tarvili's human husband, lacking super-powers but tough as nails, was the Native Ostralian huntsman Emangu: "Ostralian" simply because Earth-Whichever had a different spelling and pronunciation for Australia. Also from Ostralia was the shaman Kuparr Daku, alias Dreamtime Chieftain, who in the past had miraculously changed a swarm of Pukedemons back into normal people. This had been a major incident in Earth-Whichever's resistance to conquest by Twerpseid. The tyrant of Awkwardlisp had been drained of his super-powers by a good-aligned undead woman, Erica Vincent, a white Ostralian. Erica also took away the powers of two of Twerpseid's children, and of the evil immortal Trippenwonk. Before departing for The Good Place, Erica passed all of this power to her bereaved husband Preston, making him FAR MIGHTIER than Superdude in all respects except movement speed through normal space. Preston Vincent, now also known as King Truthside, had led many Awkwardlispians to the side of good. (He had also established friendly relations with the sub-reality based on "Starship Troopers.")

Two more members of the party were from the U.S.A. of Earth-Whichever. Kirk "Doc" Slippage, a combination athlete and genius, had served as a battlefield surgeon during the defense against Twerpseid. Whiskey Dallas, an African-American singer and a ten-and-a-half in beauty, had received the power to be indestructible as long as she was singing. The also-gorgeous magician Zoorama, the only member of this posse to be from Seedubb Earth, was now Kirk's wife, learning how to coordinate her magic with his science. Number seven was from the Earth-variant closest to Zazdub World: Green Flashlight Mike Deep Swimmer, Urth's version of a Shawnee Indian.

The party's roughly-humanoid guide was Head-Female Fislillo, the first Zazdub of authority whom any superheroes had met on this planet. Fislillo had become the Justified League's first source of information about the mysterious Duke Terror. This also-vaguely-humanoid-but-larger super-villain had tried to induce the Zazdubs to suspect each other of being to blame for him "needing" to kill some of them. His motives remained a mystery. It seemed unlikely that this giant would be any match for Truthside in a head-on fight; but Doc Slippage, especially, was anxious to figure out what hidden, complicated objective Terror might be pursuing.

Doc Slippage had an idea, and spoke to his magical wife and the Native American Flashlight.

"While we continue building goodwill with the Zazdub, let's try to correlate legends from all their towns and tribes, concerning plotline-advancing artifacts. This may help us to determine whether Duke Terror had a goal here BESIDES frightening the Zazdub and making them suspicious of each other."

Multiple Flashlights ended up joining the survey and search. To keep things moving, yes, they uncovered a good plot-device artifact: a cube about four inches in diameter. Zoorama's magical augury ascertained that it was called the Dice-Aract.

When Dreamtime Chieftain had his chance to examine the cube, he promptly cast a spell on it. "We don't want this thing calling out across the cosmos to Duke Terror or a similar villain."

"Place it in Truthside's custody," Tarvili urged.
 
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Almost before the followers of this story could finish reading the previous post, the Urth-based evil wizard Mirror Merchant materialized behind Kuparr Daku, clubbed him on the head, grabbed up the Dice-Aract, and spun to dive into his glassy dimension-door.

Although Doc Slippage had no metahuman abilities, he shared with Batfellow the long-cultivated ability to react swiftly to any surprise. Faster than Mirror Merchant could vanish, the brilliant crime-fighter tackled the magician--

And they both vanished.

Zoorama shrieked in horror, then hastily began a counterspell: "Let this evil magic be reversed! Let my Kirk be returned alive!" Following this, she fell silent in mental concentration...... but then slumped to the ground, sobbing. "Kirk! Kiiiiirrk! That {{naughty language}} has a backdoor shield! I can't pursue him with my spells! Oh, Kirk, forgive me!"

"Don't despair," the Ostralian shaman softly told her. "I can sense this much: Doc Slippage is alive. And he is sure to be on Urth, since Mirror Merchant is based there. They might keep your husband as a hostage, while probing his mind for any information useful to them."

Zoorama managed a smile. "They'll be disappointed there. Even without any magic or psionic powers, he has the most perfect control over his own brain that any non-super-powered human ever had. They won't get any secrets out of his head." With a deep breath, she added, "No torture will work on him, either."

Mrs. Slippage being distraught, Kuparr the Dreamtime Chieftain mentally alerted King Preston Truthside-- who did a short-range wormhole hop to the scene. Whiskey Dallas was with him. Upon learning what had occurred, the former outback helicopter pilot thought fast and issued orders.

"Mirror Merchant is probably acting for his own super-gang, not in collaboration with Duke Terror. So the taking of the Dice-Aract won't affect any further plans Terror has for the Zazdub world. We can't leave our new friends unguarded, and at least some of the Justified League will be on hand to help search for Doc Slippage. I'll ask Mike Deep Swimmer to remain here and patrol the Zazdub star system, and ask Dreamtime Chieftain to roam this planet randomly; Dreamtime gets on especially well with the Zazdubs. Fislillo, I'll space-jump you over to your own town, where you'll update your community about what's going on.

"Zoorama, no one can ask you NOT to join in looking for Kirk. You're bound for Urth. Tarvili, Emangu, and all non-Urthian Green Flashlights currently on-world will go besides. Whoever first meets with the Justified League: please request Brazilian Flame or Atomic Scalp to join us here; they're big guns for any possible major battle. Also request Howie Maui and-or Black Stingray, in case of aquatic action. Inquire if either of the Tonkrypians are available." Without more delay, the Goliath-sized superhero proceeded to transport the assigned people across interstellar space to Urth.

This done, his voice turned warmer and softer as he addressed the lovely counterpart of Original Earth's unfortunate Whitney Houston.

"Sweetheart, I need to hurry up what we discussed yesterday. I need you to be stronger, since you can't be singing every instant."

"I'm ready," Whiskey assured him. "Including ready to exchange our wedding wows, because Kuparr counts as a clergyman. The new-size outfit you designed will be good enough to get married in."

Truthside created a wall of darkness around his fiancee, then fired his life-enhancing eye-beams into it. He also released a cloud of nanobots, which disintegrated Whiskey's clothing-- and CREATED NEW CLOTHING sized for her suddenly-enlarged body. In the end, the lovely singer looked the same as before, except that she wore a sort of rugged pantsuit with athletic shoes, and was eight feet tall with proportionate weight gain. Now she was big enough that she could reasonably embrace the still-human-in-spirit man she loved.

Preston told the others: "Whiskey remains perfectly human; just bigger, with the strength of ten athletic women, and enough skeletal durability and cardio-vascular fortitude to prevent bad effects from her being so tall. Now she'll be less vulnerable when she ISN'T singing."

The departed Erica Vincent had foreseen that when her beloved was ready to love again, he would find a woman whom she (Erica) would approve of. Watching now from AsaLion's Country, Erica nodded in satisfaction. "Accept the new love which you deserve to enjoy, my darling. I'm fine with it. She'll be an excellent stepmother to our son. Someday we'll meet again Up Here, where there is no rivalry or jealousy."

''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' ''' '''
 
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As a Mensa-level genius, Kirk Slippage was accustomed to thinking decisions through. But not when he knew had only seconds to act at all. Mirror Merchant, by contrast, was accustomed to maintaining enough initiative that he wouldn't need to act on impulse. This complacency was about to cost him dearly.

The specialized magic-user was back at a hideout in the Mexico of Urth before he fully realized that he had been grabbed. Many hours would pass before he could realize anything else. One of Doc Slippage's iron fists rendered Mirror Merchant unconscious, complete with a non-fatal concussion, before the magically-strong Chief Obsidian did the same to the scientist-hero.

Rattle-Sneak bent over Mirror Merchant. "We'll need to take over a hospital. The previous paragraph says his concussion isn't fatal, but any new jolt could change that. Slippery Witch, can you activate his mirrors to teleport?"

"Lo siento, no puedo. He never told me how it's done: sensible caution, I admit, since en verdad I might have betrayed him if he released the knowledge."

"I also might have," Red Hot Lamia confessed.

"Then we need to bring a surgeon here," said Chief Obsidian.

"If he's who I think he is," Hand-Eye put in, "this handsome blond fellow IS a surgeon: one of the heroes from Earth-Whichever. We'll just need to steal some equipment for him to operate on our friend."

"My compadres and I can handle that part," volunteered Paco Fritango, one of the conventional gangsters who were now associated with the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons.

Obsidian picked up the Dice-Aract, whose six surfaces were all different colors, with red opposite to green, yellow opposite to purple, and orange opposite to blue. "Meanwhile, can you ladies--" (addressing Lamia and Bruja) "--figure out what THIS does?"

The two women exchanged whispers, after which Red-Hot Lamia changed into her serpentine-lower-body form, and extended a hand to Obsidian for the cube. In her lamia shape, she would be less vulnerable. Bruja Resbalosa cast a spell intended to shield everybody else from harmful effects.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

At Justified League headquarters, Charles Crazier was doing a routine southward sweep with his Secret Plotline-Advancing Machine. The same spell being used by Slippery Witch mostly blocked him from clairvoyantly sensing what the naughty persons were doing. But the Dice-Aract made itself detectable through the interference. Brazilian Flame was present at headquarters, and had not yet heard anything from the Zazdub expedition; so she rounded up Atomic Scalp, and they took a League jet to Mexico.
 
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Long before the two heroes reached southern Mexico, Red-Hot Lamia had tossed the mystery cube into the air. It had landed with its orange-colored surface upward. An instant later, Mirror Merchant had sat up, apparently healed from his concussion and the damage done to his neck by the blow that had felled him. Startled, Lamia had slithered toward her ally. Her movement had tipped the Dice-Aract, so that its yellow square came uppermost. Chief Obsidian had then exclaimed, "I think I just got sunburned!"

Paco Fritango, who had not had time to start hunting for surgical equipment to steal, had stepped up to Obsidian and said, "You don't LOOK sunburned. Could you have imagined it?"

Hand-Eye had approached the still-on-the-ground cube. With hands against the yellow and purple sides, she had lifted the artifact-- only to find IT suddenly lifting HER, eight feet up in the air, before dropping her.

And two minutes after this, Professor Crazier's S.P.A.M. fleetingly caught a clear visual of the Dice-Aract..... only to get its circuits fried.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Entering Mexican airspace, the two fire-using Justified League members made a call to the federales, telling them that the super-criminals appeared to have dug up an alien artifact of uncertain purpose and powers. Bandero Antonias, the dashing federal-police commander who had worked with the League before, asked Flame and Scalp to stop over in Mexico City, so he and four senior officers could join them. Of course the heroes obliged.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Further fiddling with the Dice-Aract (after Paco and three other "Constrictor-Jaguars" left on their errand) pleasantly startled the super-villains by healing Mirror Merchant's injuries. The usage immediately before this had changed Kirk Slippage into a venomous Mexican Beaded Lizard. Retaining his own mind, the crimefighter had fled into the nearest foliage before anyone could figure how to recapture him safely. (The knocked-out magic-user not yet being healed at this point, the crooks hadn't wanted to kill Doc.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Once Truthside had projected her and others back to Urth, Zoorama didn't wait for any further discussion-- except to find out where Professor Crazier had last detected Kirk before the S.P.A.M. was disabled. Then she magicked herself to that scene, willing herself to know where her missing husband had gotten to.

It was a pretty good indication when a Mexican Beaded Lizard (Zoorama recognized it, since the same species existed on her native Seedubb) emerged from the weeds, rose on its hind feet, placed one forefoot against its scaly chest, and bowed to her. Knowing that this was Kirk, she tearfully laughed in hysterical relief, simply that he WAS alive. She gathered the reptilized hero in her arms, sobbing, "You sure know how to make an entrance, darling!"

He kissed her cheek with his forked tongue, then leaped back down to the ground, where he made a lizard's best get-on-with-it-already gesture. Zoorama commanded him to return to his human shape.

This was about thirty percent effective. Kirk-As-Lizard grew larger, and better able to balance when standing on his hind feet; in this posture, his head now came up to his wife's mid-thigh; his forefeet now had real fingers and opposable thumbs; and best of all, he could now speak again.

"Don't be down on yourself, sweetheart; you were up against a MAJOR artifact. It's crucial that I can speak, because I have a theory."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Truthside, even when exerting his power from light-years away, would have been able to shift his other friends to where the Slippages currently stood, if not for a lingering effect from the now-removed Dice-Aract spoiling his tracking. As things turned out, some additional federales, alerted by Bandero Antonias, found the couple first. These men then guided the Justified League jump-jet to the scene. The cops would have been startled to hear an oversize Beaded Lizard speaking to them in fluent Spanish, if they had not already known about magic being real on their Earth-variant. Kirk told the officers how he had come to be transformed (they also knew who Mirror Merchant, La Bruja Resbalosa and their comrades were); then he set forth his theory about the magical cube.

He would soon tell it again to Flame, Scalp, and the lawmen who had flown with them:

"I believe that whoever created the Dice-Aract had a prankish sense of humor. He, she or they gave it spectrum colors AS MISDIRECTION, so that mortals like us would waste our time and effort struggling to figure out which color, or which sequence of colors, would produce this or that function. Whatever truly controls the thing's activity has to be far more subtle."

"I seriously hope," said Flame, "that the bad guys haven't gotten as far as you have in cracking the code of that thing, so to speak."
 
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NOW TO CONTINUE MY NEW PARODY OF THE "HALO" GAME-UNIVERSE:


Corporal Hendro-41 of the Crackshots, with most of his armed-recon squad, had to remain on Planet Stretch, since the violent alien religious fanatics had refused peace overtures. Humans and human-friendly beings here still needed protection. The squirrel-shaped (but larger) Efrachiktu female, Private First Class Fradlobli, was detailed to lead the newcomers to the extraction point. The United Civilizations was anxious to meet good guys who might have something to add to its resources.

"Excuse me," said Jacob Mossyhutch to the comms specialist, "but our flightless-bird-like biped, the one called Zubdookree, often picks up hints of possible near-future events. She tells me that my wife and I will be needed to assist the Corporal here." (The wife Jacob referred to was Raquel Delgado-Mossyhutch, formerly of the Bubblewrap Five security force.) "Zubdookree, with our other Fuss user Lodratrid, Snack with Noherra, and Karbeena Owtfeeld, will be plenty enough to brief your authorities about our origin-worlds."

Private Bedrakam-377, a young man of the near-human Plethmor species from Planet Oopleth, jumped in with: "Even with two staying with us, you'll need both hovercars. But we'll be all right in the meantime; the Corporal has never yet led us into anything he couldn't lead us out of."

Fradlobli began by guiding her new acquaintances to the aforesaid hovercars, which had a color-camouflage feature. "Has any of you ever driven a ground-effect passenger vehicle?"

"I have," replied Noherra the green-skinned Tryyurluck.

"Very good;" and Fradlobli identified each control and indicator. "I'll drive point. I recommend one psionic person in each car; Lodratrid with me, please." Snack Salad also boarded the first hovercar, while Karbeena sat with Zubdookree and Noherra. Shortly they were on the road, metaphorically speaking.

Meanwhile, Hendro-41 briefed the Mossyhutches about Skankbellies, the cannon fodder of the evil Congregation: creatures who somewhat resembled the capital-A Aliens in Original Earth movies, but who could talk and wield weapons. He also explained how the Heyho Rings worked. As for the origin of those marvelous plotline-advancing inventions, the corporal only knew they were the work of super-duper-advanced ancient beings.

"Who are a milli-credit a dozen back in the Bubblewrap-Five sub-reality," Raquel whispered to Jacob in the Goldarnit language.

Bedrakam now asked Jacob to explain the design of his specialty weapon.

The veteran of the Postalfiend War smiled. "It's based on a fantasy. It's called a gravity gun, which is nonsense. Gravity is a DIFFUSED force, directly proportioned to masses of matter. This gun is RATHER smaller than, say, a planet; yet its projectiles travel as fast as if they were at terminal velocity falling into a gas-giant planet. But it works for weapons manufactured in my sub-universe, because the rules are different there."
 
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Francine-81, the only human female in this Crackshot squad, spoke up: "Can ammunition for your gravity gun be manufactured anywhere within our galactic sector?"

"Easily," said Raquel. "The secret isn't in the pellets. Any spheroid seven millimeters in diameter-- does your sub-reality have the metric system?"

"Yes, we do," Francine assured her. "Most science-fiction story-worlds depict people using the metric-- wait a minute, how did I know that?"

"Don't worry, it's all part of The Never-Stopping Story. And don't ask what that is, just be satisfied that your life is real."

"Very well," said Hendro. "I'm a practical, on-task sort of character. Never mind that. Jacob, do we need to know how the grav-gun is powered?"

"Simple. Since the premise is gravity as a propellant, the gun simply needs to ABSORB gravity. Which is also fantasy, but there we are." He set his weapon on the ground. "At present grav-battery load, it'll be back at full charge in eleven minutes. Is there anybody around here who needs to die?"

"Not at present. We're still hoping to conclude a peace with the Congregation. But everything about your arrival here suggests a plot turn in which you WILL have cause to shoot someone."

Francine spoke again: "Would I be correct to anticipate that, in case of a firefight, all of us will need to stay away from your line of fire?"

"Definitely so. Even if there's a stone wall between you and me. By the same token, you'll need to make sure I don't mistake friendlies for hostiles."

Bedrakam fished a taser-like object from his equipment belt. "Here, Jacob, this is a non-lethal stunning weapon, to use if you CAN'T get a safe line of fire for your gravity gun."

Hendro in turn told the young near-human, "Good idea, kid. I'm going to recommend you for early promotion to private first class."
 
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On an inhabitable planet in the nearest other star system to the system containing Planet Stretch, a major villain in the Congregation held a strategy meeting with his leading advisors.

Highmaster Starterus, a male of the Juggernasties, was around the size of Thanos, but covered with long bluish-white fur. Besides being physically dangerous, he was one of a handful of leaders who made authoritative doctrinal statements for the believers. The advisors were two female Juggernasties named Gompraz and Wiffsog, plus an uncommonly intelligent male Skankbelly named Tebdimuk. A crowd of rank-and-file Skankbellies were in attendance, respectfully listening.

"Wiffsog, how is the effort to build a new Heyho ring proceeding?"

"My sovereign, almost a thousand slave technicians have suffered non-fatal flesh wounds in their left shoulders, or their equivalent of shoulders."

"Good. That's enough to enable the next step. We now can broadcast the report that they failed in their work because they lacked faith."

"And what will be the proposed remedy for lack of faith?" asked Gompraz. Tebdimuk added, "Will it be a renewed offensive against the United Civilizations?"

"Not immediately. The United Civilizations' intelligence network has been permitted to learn about the failures in building new Heyho rings. They will accordingly be that much more inclined to believe that our discouragement from the setback is causing us to feel more need to make peace."

"So, great leader," said Gompraz, "what new scheme will you implement to take advantage of their letting their guard down?"

"A psychological tactic. My equals and I need to keep it secret from everyone for a time longer; but when the time comes, you three will be the first second-rank leaders to be told."

When the meeting was adjourned, Starterus went to a private chamber. Three persons awaited him there: another male Skankbelly named Hooshash, and a human man and woman. The woman was the witch Ickylinn, formerly of Planet Alwaysurnia; the man was Tyrone Glass Neilsen, formerly of the Human Federation which reflects "Starship Troopers."

Hooshash told his ruler, "They are eager to show you what they can do for you."
 
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Sensing that Ickylinn was the leader of the couple, Starterus addressed her:

"My own psionic powers discern that your powers are based on manipulation of reality-- what lesser beings call 'magic.' I also sense that you spoke truth when you said that the Congregation's interests are harmonious with yours. Tell me more."

Tyrone interjected his own reply: "I can tell that you, much like myself, have the strength of intellect to face hard truths." Having been heard, he yielded the floor to his consort. Ickylinn went on: "Cold reality-- as long as we admit magic into that mix-- is always for the best. You need to know--"

Starterus chuckled. "Actually, you two need to know that I'm already aware of what you would offer as a startling revelation. I myself, and every living creature I ever met before you came, have only existed for a very short period. We were all CREATED by a Being as much greater than we are, as we are superior to insects. This Being, Whom some call AsaLion, loves stories, and has enabled many stories to--"

"Wait a moment!" Tyrone objected. "Are you saying there actually IS a personal, intelligent, ever-living Deity?"

The hairy monster shrugged. "Yes, there is...... only, the 'ever-living' part is subject to question. Since all forms of life experience development and change, surely the nominal Creator might also undergo change. And since He-- sorry, lady sorceress, He IS a He, not a She-- since He has shared with us His potential for progress, we might progress far enough that we become able to INFLUENCE HIM."

Tyrone frowned. "I have always hated the notion that some Hairy Thunderer sitting on a gold-foil-covered armchair had the right to TELL ME what I should think, do or say. But if we could reach a point of TELLING HIM what to do....... a fabulous prospect."

Before Starterus could resume, they were all startled by the appearance of what seemed a hologram of a robed humanoid being, who proved able to speak whatever language it was they were using.

"I am Drool of the Mintcandybarri." (The Keeper of the Great Artifact did not endanger his friends by leaking any hint that they were present in this sub-reality.) "I am aware of the phenomenal circumstances in which you Juggernasties and Skankbellies find yourselves. It is no accident that you all entered material existence at a narrative point when the plotline had you staggering from recent defeats by the forces of the United Civilizations. The Great Maker has chosen to make many stories tangibly alive; but no villainous creature in such stories is denied a fair chance to break out of its role and come to the light. You could all become good guys right now, including your visitors."

The Skankbelly Hooshash drew his weapon and fired at the speaking image of the Babylon Five-derived character. Drool, being actually hundreds of light-years away, could not be harmed by this, but his image was dispelled and the conversation was terminated.

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Back on Planet Stretch, Hendro's recon squad was joined by a counterpart squad which had been dropped on the planet for long-term operations around four hours after its members began physically existing. More numerous than Hendro's team, this force was led by a female warrant officer named Sinchoodi-939. The life Sinchoodi thought she remembered was one with more war than peace. She believed she had been married to a man named Miguel-116, a starship helmsman who died in the line of duty.

Already existing in The Good Place was a man possessing the exact memories and attributes of the man Sinchoodi thought had perished helping crew members to evacuate their disabled starship.

Staying on task, Sinchoodi addressed Jacob Mossyhutch: "Kindly tell me in your own words how you REALLY came to be here."
 
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