Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

[Copperfox]

When a service robot announced the approach transmission of the Adjustment, Blastodon Kroof remarked, "I think I've heard of that ship. Has it identified its commanding officer yet?"

"No, but Mister Caribbiyan informed me earlier that it is under the command of up-side master Moose Windchime."

This did not improve the mercenary's peace of mind. "Is Master Windchime...... hunting for shady characters?"

To Blastodon's partial relief, Lackdough strode up, remarking, "If Moose wants a shady character, he knows I'm shady enough for ten."

"But you never helped the Empire to keep a Banjolorian relic out of Banjolorian hands."

"At ease, Blasty Boy. Moose married a former space pirate named Melodica. He personally led her to the up-side. He'll know you're telling the truth when you say that you never murdered anyone during the Dimsaber quest. And he'll sense MY truthfulness when I tell him you've been a very good boy at Cloud Casino."

+ + + + + + + + + +

Fortuitously, current sleepover guests at Cloud Casino included a squad's worth of retired soldiers from the Republic of Lots of Worlds, having a veterans' reunion. The highest in rank of these, a master sergeant, was a Chisskurdean woman-- same race as Thuglyfe Skrawn, but loyal to the cause of liberty-- named Hobree Deslo. Hobree had never met Blastodon before this resort vacation; but since being introduced to him, she had researched his career, finding that as mercenaries went, he was a decent sort.

When the Adjustment landed, the retired soldiers assembled to greet the renowned Fuss up-sider. The armadillo-shaped spacers (note that their species was not indigenous to Riggblit, but had once been slaves there) caught the attention of some of the army veterans. Soon, however, all eyes were on the regal posture of Moose Windchime, who was reckoned the greatest of living human Fuss masters.

The atmosphere grew much easier as soon as Moose looked Blastodon in the eye and said, "Relax, Mister Kroof, I have nothing against you, although to be sure I'll feel more positive toward you if you tell me anything you know about Admiral Skrawn's doings. AND show me how the Darkmachete functions. The Republic might be interested in trying to manufacture more like it."

Melodica interjected: "Being in a storyverse influenced by Mel Brooks' Spaceballs, it's frankly awkward having our lightsabers emerge from rings. A proper hilted weapon has got to be more efficient."

The ice was broken, everyone felt free to get acquainted, and Blastodon Kroof did show how the Darkmachete worked. Things were going smoothly, until a subspace-radio broadcast reached Cloud Casino the next day. The content of the newscast did not ruin any of the friendliness which had been established; but it caused everyone to feel concerned when they heard that Quark Lord Maltibalkrix was meddling in the affairs of Planet Powurkord.

"We just might want to sail Adjustment for that system," said Moose to his wife.

 

[Copperfox]

JERSEY EARTH : Roger Tree Root, the magically endowed Algonquin Indian from the Canada of this Earth-variant, had been searching for any persons outside of North America recently granted any sort of special powers. Questing with him were the artifact-powered couple John and Nolarivu Stewmeat, plus two quite recently-inaugurated Fuss adepts, both of whom were police chiefs. Marvin Taylor of Chicago had been granted a specialty of healing wounds and sickness, while Jorge Feliciano of Milwaukee became able to decelerate the movements of people and objects. The latter specialty didn't sound like much, until Jorge determined that the slowing effect included slowing people falling off of cliffs and bridges, making the final impact no more violent than stepping downward on a staircase. And it could affect heavier masses than most Fuss users could levitate.

If I said that Trace Dickey and-or Sharon Rockwell were also on this "talent hunt," assume that they returned to the United States at some point after the visit with the Kutuzov family in Uzbekistan, where Fatima the teenage daughter was found to have become a "late-blooming" Sapphire Sister. The "Cosmic Fact Checker" variant on Heart Sapphires also proved to have acquired a newbie: a Hochunk Indian boy named Carson Wendell, who oddly was found wandering in Angola, and who, via Roger's magic, was made to HEAR NORMALLY again without losing powers. Able at last to resume normal conversations with normal people, Carson proved himself to be all done with Marxist redistribution talk.

Several years older than the sadder-but-wiser Hochunk boy was an actual Angolan man, an auto mechanic named Kahilu Baloval, who by some plotline-convenient cause had become a technopath. (Refer to the movie "Sky High," featuring Kurt Russell.)

A burst of intuition came to both Jorge and Marvin at once: a sense that someone else had lately acquired mystical talent: a Filipino commercial fisherman by the name of Inosanto Bagwis. But the Fuss didn't enlighten either of the police chiefs as to what sort of gift the Asiatic fellow had received. They asked John Stewmeat to rejoin them, but he AND Nolarivu needed to carry out an off-world assignment for the Janitors of the Universe. Roger was overdue to return home, and Carson Wendell was going to Canada with his new mentor. But with Sharon Rockwell able and willing to mind the Dickey children (who loved her like a favorite aunt), Trace and Bess were free to take their turn in action.

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v

Sapphire Sister Bess Dickey transported her crime-crushing husband to a rendezvous with Marvin and Jorge. She had no problem handling additional passengers, because all three men could use Fuss levitation to make themselves nearly weightless. Bess established communication with the Filipino version of a coast guard; this fleet in turn located Mister Bagwis and asked him to meet with the superheroes.

"I wish this had been accompanied by an ability to breathe water," the fisherman told the visitors, "because I only get premonitions and portents if I'm IN the water, and they're only clear if I'm fully submerged."

"Will scuba gear solve this problem?" asked Jorge.

"I don't own a set, but I think it would."

"My Bess can create a diving bell for us," Trace Dickey offered.

"But what are you looking for?" said Marvin, before Inosanto could reply.

The Filipino narrowed his eyes. "Don't act helpful if you're going to laugh at me."

Bess laid a hand on Inosanto's hard shoulder. "I was right in the middle of events when all those extraterrestrials were all over our world, some creating a mess and others cleaning up the mess. I'm prepared to believe WHATEVER you tell us."

Inosanto Bagwis drew himself up. "I heard how the third batch of aliens dug up an outer-space relic, right in your home state. Well, they didn't dig nearly deep enough. My new psychic talent has probed way down...... and I have learned that, whatever may be the situation on other versions of Earth, our Earth POSSIBLY HAS A HOLLOW CENTER."

 

[Copperfox]

Marvin and Jorge, both deeply experienced at questioning witnesses, continued speaking with Mister Bagwis, while Trace and Bess moved aside for a huddle. They had just been made to remember the meddling done more than a year ago by the arrogant Heart Sapphires, led by the tall woman whose name consisted of the first seven notes of "Stairway to Heaven" followed by two coughs.

"Da-da-da Da-da-da-da Cough Cough did finally gain some sense," Bess recollected.

"But only after she nearly got killed by some of the other people from New Laziness. By contrast, remember that peculiar alien couple who were a lot more constructive? The big woman, with a husband who was physically smaller but had his own remarkable power?"

"Yes! She was called Barndora, and he was called Wispy Mythical. It was they who dug up the buried copy of the 'Anti-Strife Equation'."

Trace nodded. "Both of them were clearly embarrassed-- as Nolarivu also was-- about the way their king's proxies devastated society in our world. Maybe if WE ASK Highfyver to let Barndora and Wispy come back here, for a situation unrelated to those past events, he'll be glad to make some amends without having to admit fault openly."

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v

By plotline-convenient chance, King Highfyver had received a visitor shortly before Bess Dickey used her Sapphire prosthesis to communicate with him. The visitor was Greensodd, scientist of Planet Awkwardlisp. When a coalition of heroes had turned the tables on Twerpseid and wrested his planet out of his control, Greensodd had jumped at the opportunity to jump ship and serve the good guys. His new career had included friendly visits to the "Human Federation," the multi- system community derived from "Starship Troopers." (The God-hating scholar Tyrone Glass Neilsen, currently the boyfriend of the witch Ickylinn, had been born in the Human Federation.)

Preston Vincent of Earth-Whichever, thanks to his side-of-good undead wife Erica, had received all of Twerpseid's power, PLUS the cumulative powers of Twerpseid's surviving son Kamelbakk, daughter Grrrryll AND deputy Trippenwonk. (This had made Preston far stronger than Superdude or Captain Sha-Na-Na, though not as fast-moving apart from wormhole travel.)

When Greensodd arrived at Highfyver's palace on New Laziness, the depowered super-villains, now dependent on Highfyver's charity, glared at the turncoat with futile hate. (Grrrryll was now a Heart Sapphire, but her new skill set would contribute very little to any violent action against someone she resented.) Only Trippenwonk dared to put his rage into words. The words were kind of naughty, thus are not repeated here. Ignoring them, Greensodd addressed the planetary sovereign.

"Your Conciliatory Majesty, I am pleased to pass along to you the news that the Earth-variant where Nolarivu Pamizo Stewmeat lives, is in excellent condition today." (Greensodd could justifiably have added: "--no thanks to you;" but he didn't.) "The superheroes of that Earth, in fact, have asked me to relay to you a request for Big Barndora and Wispy Mythical to visit there again."

Highfyver saw no reason to refuse, and he knew that the indicated couple had grown fond of Jersey Earthlings. Greensodd himself would accompany them to that Earth-variant, as his expertise in biology would help to deal with any monsters in the alleged "Hollow Earth."

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v

Wormholed instantly to the Philippine Republic of Jersey Earth, the three offworlders were helped by local authorities to locate Inosanto Bagwis' family, which included Mrs. Bagwis, five children of whom the eldest was a young wife, that daughter's baby son, grandparents, in-laws and so on. Trace had let the locals know to expect some unusual visitors.

While making acquaintance with the latest arrivals, Inosanto was fascinated to hear about the "Watery Tetrahedron" of Planet Awkwardlisp. "If we all survive what's currently before us," he told Greensodd, "I'll want to learn much more about your cleansing of those aquatic environments."

"In the meantime," said Barndora, "Wispy and I can describe for you the activities we've seen there."

 

[Copperfox]

The Australian Navy agreed to lend a deep-exploration submersible to the Filipino government. John Stewmeat, who was Jersey Earth's best-known superhero, dropped in on Communist Party Headquarters in Beijing around this time. He said to the Chairman, in substance:

"You have behaved well for the past six years. I have observed your domestic policies more closely than you ever knew, and I've been impressed by the partial freedom of speech, and by the relatively gentle treatment accorded to prisoners in your Lao Gai camps. Therefore, you may consider my visit a courtesy notification, rather than talk of --consequences.

"You cooperated with other nations during the interference by the Sapphire Sisterhood. Now I'm showing cooperation, by telling you what's happening in the Indian Ocean region which you would have conquered forcibly eleven years ago if the Flashlight Corps hadn't been keeping an eye on you. That, by the way, was one reason why I was written into the Flashlight Corps. But that's past history, occurring long before you rose to the head of the Party. Filipino and Australian ships are supporting an exploratory dive at the Marianas Trench."

"Involving some of the people from New Laziness who helped bring the Sapphire Sisterhood's disruption to an end," the Chairman interjected. "The reconnaissance satellites you so kindly allowed us to keep have imaged Barndora, Mythical, and someone else unfamiliar to us but plainly extraterrestrial."

"Very good. Thus I can move ahead into telling you why those offworlders are here. The reason has no direct relationship to the former intervention, but IS of potential importance to all Earthly nations. It is conjectured that a deep environment exists under the Indian Ocean, an environment never even suspected before by natives of our planet. Barndora, Wispy Mythical, and Greensodd of Awkwardlisp, are taking part in exploration.

"I give you my word as a Green Flashlight that Beijing. as well as other governments, will be informed about anything they find."

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v

Inosanto Bagwis had come up with a hero-name for himself. It was coined in Tagalog, and would translate into English as "Water Scout." He and Greensodd (who had his own plotline-boosting means of crossing language barriers) enjoyed a lengthy conference about the impending exploration. The following is part of their talk--

GREENSODD: My various new friends have told me plenty about the culture, arts and literature on multiple iterations of Earth. Some of these Earths, in recent history, have had a novelist named Edgar Rice Burroughs. Did your own Earth have an Edgar Rice Burroughs?

WATER SCOUT: I have no idea; I haven't seen any translations into Tagalog or Spanish of an American author by that name.

JOHN STEWMEAT, who had been listening in, and whose Flashlight artifact let him understand and be understood: Yes, we had our own Edgar Rice Burroughs, and he seems to have written most of the same books here as his template wrote on Original Earth. How does this come into our present concerns?

GREENSODD: The original Burroughs, and at least two of his doppelgangers, imagined Earth being hollow; not merely having lots of deep caves, but ENORMOUSLY hollow, so the geometric center was in empty air. Mister Bagwis, did your clairvoyance envision this Earth-variant being like that?

WATER SCOUT: It wasn't as if I had a map in front of me. But there did seem to be tremendous open space, with a light source which didn't seem to be physically touching anything else.

JOHN STEWMEAT: That's like Burroughs. He said that Pellucidar-- that's the inner world he imagined-- had a "central sun" illuminating everything at all times. He even did a crossover by having his best-known character, Tarzan, explore Pellucidar.

GREENSODD: Sounds like an entertaining story premise. But absent supernatural support, or Awkwardlispian-level super-duper-technology that just couldn't happen. Gravity is gravity, and a hollow planet would have to collapse upon itself.

JOHN STEWMEAT: As far as the Janitors of the Universe know, the True Creator hasn't made any Earth-size worlds designed that way.

WATER SCOUT, facing Greensodd again: But He has permitted less-than-actually-omnipotent beings to play around with material reality. Might someone on a level with your new King Truthside have constructed a hollow planet?

GREENSODD: Nobody I know of in the current population of astonishing galactic ultra-mega-topnotch colossal fantasy sovereigns. But even Highfyver and Twerpseid are comparative youngsters, each less than one millennium old.

WATER SCOUT: Here's another question. If this Earth IS hollow, and if we penetrate the intervening material between it and the Pacific Ocean, will all the water in our world pour down into the inside world? Or will the tampering with gravity prevent water from pouring inward?

GREENSODD: Beats me.

 

[Copperfox]

When Wispy and Barndora were brought into the deliberations, the beautiful-but-lethal warrior woman said, "My husband has the solution-- rather, he IS the solution to your quandary. I've never known or heard of anyone else, from any race, who can do what he does. Flashlight Stewmeat, you were there when Wispy retrieved the data device containing your world's copy of the Anti-Strife Equation."

When told what Barndora had said, Inosanto remarked, "I certainly never heard how that went. I was too busy helping to prevent people on my island from starving to death, after the Heart Sapphires devastated everyone's infrastructure. There was no fuel for my fishing cruiser, since deliveries had been cut off. God be praised, I knew how to operate a sail-driven boat, so I could continue catching fish to feed people." He watched Barndora after his words were translated for her.

Once knowing, Barndora replied, "Wispy can EXPAND SPACE for himself. As a result, he can pass through a microscopic hole or crack as easily as walking across an open field. If this Earth-variant is hollow, my sweetheart can traverse hair-fine fissures in the trench bottom. Then little or no seawater will be able to pour into the hollow zone."

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v

To keep the story moving, what Wispy Mythical discovered was not what ANYONE else had expected. Instead of confirming a hollow Earth, or even a major suboceanic cave network, he found a Starhatch, isolated in a space which would have held no more than a dozen regular people. This dimensional portal was locked on only one destination.

Those who have stayed with me the whole time, will remember that Seedubb Earth was the first legitimate Earth-variant visited by Groan and Vixen Starr. That early stage of my saga briefly featured a planet with an Earth-like environment, and a population of creatures much like Earthly dinosaurs. This planet was, for a short period, home to a counterpart of "Diego" in "Dora the Explorer" cartoons.

This discovery was enough to vindicate the investigation, but did not require urgent actions with suspenseful music playing, So assume that Water Scout will eventually explore that other world, accompanied by one or more appropriate characters..

 

[Copperfox]

>>>>>>>> On a remote planet which functioned by Frank Herbert's "Dune" rules, we find Black Admiral and Deuce "Street Bat" Wayans, both native to less-known Earth-variants, working with good guys native to "Terra." These include Winter Trooper, Father Vasili Rutintutin, Professor Donat Karpov, and Sergeant Yuri Fyodorovich Suvorov of the Spetsnaz. They had just lately subdued some warrior women A LOT LESS good-natured than Big Barndora: counterparts of "Honored Maitres" in the later Dune books.

Unfortunately, nobody on either side could understand any language known to the other side-- that is, until Street-Bat produced a plotline-convenient solution. Turning to the commanding officer of the Spetsnaz platoon: "Lieutenant Guderian! On my own Earth-variant, I both learned plenty of science myself, and recruited excellent scientists to assist me in BOTH of my identities." Opening a belt pouch, he produced an insulated cord, with something like earphones at each end. "This device can make a start at language learning. My staff originally created it as an aid for learning-impaired children."

Guderian raised an eyebrow. "Telepathy?"

"Not quite, but it sort of syncs up the brainwave patterns which occur when a person thinks of the connection between a THING, and the NAME FOR that thing. If I'm at one end, and one of these un-ladylike ladies is at the other end, sharing of concepts can gradually proceed."

Donat Karpov approached Street Bat. "Begging your pardon, but perhaps I-- who cannot contribute personally to keeping these female savages intimidated and subdued-- can prove useful here. I do have a background in neurology."

"Very well, Professor. Perhaps Hamhanda Almohad can alternate with you; she is also highly knowledgeable."

Once connected to a Hotblood Matron called Pristaka, Karpov began thinking of things, while simultaneously talking about them in Russian (since more than half of the good guys present could speak that language). For instance, he said, "I am an old man"-- while thinking about his long life and the fact that he was old now. Hamhanda was not fluent in Russian, and didn't want to confuse Pristaka, thus, when she took a turn, she varied the technique: thinking of things, and of their significance. She began with her thoughts about her kindly husband: a citizen of one of the most progressive Islamic nations on any version of Earth, a man who DIDN'T follow the Fourth Sura in his marriage. She also thought about Backy "Winter Trooper" Shedd, who likewise had a wonderfully loving marriage with his own formerly-wicked wife Carly.

Between them, Donat Karpov and Hamhanda Almohad made enough headway that, by the third afternoon, Pristaka could understand many things said to her in Russian. Replying was more difficult for her; but even so much as Yes or No from her end, plus gesturing and sometimes drawing pictures, enabled meaningful communication.

During this, Deuce "Street Bat" Wayans, who even without psychic powers was a VERY perceptive observer of human behavior, noticed a detail before anyone else in his party did. Pristaka looked at Father Vasili very often. Vasili and his warrior priests could not physically move as fast as the Hotblood Matrons could; but all of them-- as was also true of Street Bat-- had such superb martial instincts that they could almost infallibly anticipate what a faster-moving antagonist would do next. This compensating advantage had prevented them from being hopelessly outmaneuvered in the fight. Vasili had even been the first good guy to figure out what speed of motion was slow enough to reach inside a Dune-type shield. He had incapacitated two of the aggressors by reaching inside their shields and strangling them just short of death.

At one point, Street Bat beckoned Vasili aside and whispered-- in English, which the Russian hero understood: "Since Orthodox priests don't have to be celibate, you should know that Pristaka is falling for you in a big way. She knows you can beat her in a fight, yet also knows that you practice the sort of mercy and generosity which her sorority FORMERLY thought equaled weakness."

Vasili smiled faintly. "It's true that evildoers can be converted. It's also true that I need to start siring children before I get very much older; and any woman as strong as these are, would be sure to bear strong daughters and sons. We still have an active mission at present; but I'll keep that young woman in mind."

Walking while conversing, the two heroes found themselves at least a quarter-mile away from anyone else. Abruptly, a black-haired young woman seemed to STEP THROUGH a jagged hole in reality. This was the abrasive time-traveling sorceress Antimerica Chutzpah. Readers may recall that Antimerica had begun to understand the error of her ways; but what we see here is Antimerica BEFORE she was reformed.

"You %\\&*<?!!! prehistoric misogynists! How dare you suggest that ANY woman could ever need to be corrected by any +);$#>~&!! male! You're just trying to deny the FACT that every woman is better than every man at everything, AND the fact that all women are poor oppressed victims of the patriarchy, AND the fact that women run the world, AND the fact that women are held down by a glass ceiling!!"

A heavenly light shone around Father Vasili, as he said to Antimerica, "SHUT. UP. Those women over there are being 'held down' at present, because THEY have enslaved MEN, and most recently tried to kill us without provocation. Some of them have confessed to murdering captured men for the fun of it. But we have spared their lives, and they are not complaining that our mercy is oppressive."

Antimerica, as the person she was at this point in her own time-stream, did not yet know that she would learn a better way of life on Planet Jinobrid. But Antimerica as she would become, would laugh at herself for having been so ridiculous. Vanishing, she proceeded to live the rest of the time before she would be corrected on the world of bear-headed centauroids.

And Father Vasili's party would keep on pursuing similar correction for the Hotblood Matrons.

 

[Copperfox]

Yoga-Rug, my version of Mel Brooks' version of Yoda in Star Wars movies, had been taking it easy on his native planet of Toofah-Roff, teaching younglings the ways of The Fuss. But he still periodically reached out with his clairvoyance, in case any other characters needed someone to provide crucial exposition. Thus did he detect something related to the add-on Dune-books published after Frank Herbert's demise.

The expanded version of the first Dune movie, the version in which Francesca Annis played by far the most beautiful Jessica Atreides on screen, said that humans long before Muad'Dib's time had destroyed robots and A.I.'s out of sheer hatred and intolerance. But the added novels, prequels as well as sequels, asserted that it was THE ROBOTS who picked a fight, just as in the Terminator movies. In that scenario, human heroes-- including the Harkonnens, who had not yet collectively become evil-- had been compelled to fight for their lives. After several major setbacks, and despite having rendered the Dune saga's version of Earth uninhabitable, the evil machines had been put to flight.

As I've said about my version of the Halo franchise, AsaLion did not require anyone really to live through those horrors. The whole Dune-parody sub-universe only began genuinely existing about eighty years before Frank Herbert was born on Original Earth. God, of course, foreknows what any author will write. In the parody-cosmos, as in the extra novels, the surviving evil robots fled much farther away than the Hotblood Matrons would later do.

Master Yoga-Rug was familiar with the Ashtrayides parallel history, largely because of his mentorship of Groan Starr; but with many sub-realities receiving his attention, one factor Yoga-Rug HADN'T kept an eye on was the defeated evil robots. The Empire of Evil Badness, after all, probably would have won any war against those robots. But now...... belatedly casting his clairvoyance in the direction taken by the evil robots...... the most-prestigious living Toofah-Roffian detected peril developing.

Yoga-Rug was convinced that the majority of these robots, if not all of them, were as mindless as the rolling-around robots in the Prequel Trilogy; so destroying them would not sting anyone's conscience. There might be leader-droids who were truly sentient; but one thing at a time. The hostile robots possessed interstellar travel capability like the Naughtygators; therefore, once ready to attack, they could begin appearing in the targeted star systems almost immediately. The leading up-side master was going to have to get into the battle himself this time, but he couldn't teleport himself to any of the likely victim-worlds. And given the probable numbers of evil robots, MANY high-powered heroes would be needed.

So Yoga-Rug opened a psychic chat room. His first contact was with Black Admiral-- who was already on a planet likely to be assailed. So, having explained what was up, the ancient Toofah-Roffian asked Black Admiral simply to STAY there, and be ready for all-out war. At least this change of conditions would be a reality check for the Hotblood Matrons. Making contact also with Lord Katmatao, head of the Janitors of the Universe, Yoga-Rug received his promise to detail at least five Green Flashlights to reinforce Black Admiral's party. This turned into seven Flashlights, which Yoga-Rug thought magnificent. Leading those Flashlights would be Zuha-Zuzob, the starfish-like one who was accustomed to freezing environments. She would in particular investigate the frozen outer planets of the system where Black Admiral and company were. With luck, a regiment's worth of Ashtrayides-associated human ground soldiers would further stiffen the defense there.

The Srirachians could use their Habanero monsters against any robots dropping onto their spice-desert, though air defense was another question. Trala-Lalia of the Spoon, and her Mentalcat husband Bunkem Isotope, worked on supplementary defense plans, eventually joined by Tutti Howizzit the female Mentalcat, and then by Count Havabeer. The Count's swordplay techniques had originally been devised, in past centuries which were only virtual, precisely as a tactic against robots.

The heaviest hitters in the Justified League of Urth had to guard Zazdub World against a likely reappearance of Duke Terror. Similarly, the Spacer Swimmers were preoccupied on and around Planet Powurkord, watching out for the next move by Quark Lord Maltibalkrix. But they could spare Swimmer Moon. She, her Batman-like husband Tuxedo Dash, their daughter Chipmunkyusa, and Tuxedo's friend Masked Biker, caught a ride to Srirachiss, courtesy of those Naughtygators who had given allegiance to Duke Stillneater. Tuxedo, Biker, and Chipmunkyusa pitched in on strategy discussions; but Swimmer Moon, looking at no one else, rose into the air, chanting:

"Mystery of unseen vibrational dimensions! Cosmic sidesteps, perfected without a stunt double! Abstract blades of theoretical gravity! Interspersing of blue air masses, conducting the temperature of thought! Harmony between variable concepts of precognition!"

Meanwhile, for a gratifying surprise, Yoga-Rug heard from somebody not seen here in many chapters: Equivvalentor, the pretty-much-immortal Dragon of Reasonableness, based on Planet Anoxia. She-Wow's reign there was secure, and the survivors of Orangutanoid leader Lefturklyde's expeditionary force had returned from Chimpanzia after Duke Terror's invasion there was thwarted. Equivvalentor, able to traverse interstellar space at ultra-warp, would count as an army by himself, but could not stay parsecs away from his place of power indefinitely. Sorcery Lass, based at Castle Greyhair on Alwaysurnia, was also willing to help against the evil robots, but was subject to a similar time limitation as Equivvalentor. Yoga-Rug designated these two demigods as a ready reserve.

Moving ahead, Prince Thorpe of Hallpasscard and Bakerstray Bill of Jumpstard were both available for immediate assignment. The former would bring along Ballwun the Uncommonly Decent, wielding Oatmealnir as Thorpe wielded Stormcracker. Paden Glumm, the President of Mediumgard's United States, had finished his term, and declined to run for re-election. In view of how much good the Hallpasscardeans had long done for humanity, the Ben Grimm equivalent wanted to repay them by fighting beside Thorpe and Ballwun. In order to provide comparable support to Bakerstray Bill, Planet Wawa sent four Green Flashlights to join the dog-headed Jumpstardean prince. One of these was the former Anoxian workman Bowsaw, who was already acquainted with Bill. Rounding out Mediumgard's contribution was Oliver Hackman, the recently-empowered Jedi-counterpart from Kansas; he, Paden, Thorpe and Ballwun stood by near the Dentfloss Bridge, awaiting action.

Because Planet Waterpark was the ancestral stronghold of House Ashtrayides, an attack there by the life-hating automatons was probable. So the Urth-based aquatic hero Moistureman was transferred to Waterpark. He was joined by mer-people from Anoxia, including the reformed villainess Tunafishla with her cousin-husband Tunakassrol; and by one more Green Flashlight, the lobster-shaped Chubkripdak. Waterpark was where Yoga-Rug expected to make his own stand, alongside the kinfolk of the late Paul Muddy-Drip.

To create another counterstrike force, the good wizard Hector von Bootblack fetched Lodge Flake, alias Captain Rightawrong, from the Cosmic Federation in the Second Galaxy. We remind the readers that the powers recently granted to the formerly-persecuted hero were pretty nearly unbeatable-- except that he needed to recharge them at intervals. Cosmic Federation authorities, remembering how the good wizard had assisted in overthrowing the tyrant Vernacula Scurvylaff, called for volunteers to supplement Lodge Flake's presence when he was recharging. No fewer than sixty combat-trained volunteers, many of them belonging to the sturdy Ziblamot race, were issued rayguns and armor, then made the transit with Captain Rightawrong to the Milky Way galaxy.

Yoga-Rug similarly could muster soldiers with modern equipment from the Republic of Lots of Worlds. Thorpe's and Bakerstray Bill's units would be transported immediately to vulnerable planets likely to be hit soon by the evil robots. Yoga-Rug's own force, and Lodge Flake's band, would go to any otherwise-unguarded worlds as it became necessary.

Planet Freesoil was not close to the threat axis, and it had Fuss users of its own for defense. But while on Waterpark, Yoga-Rug would remain psychically alert in case of an unexpected emergency there. The former Dark Headgear, after all, had gained a place in Yoga-Rug's heart after turning to the side of good.

 

[Copperfox]

Many chapters back, I briefly described some people from the Dune-based sub-reality who had suffered from Paul Muddy-Drip's galactic jihad, and who understandably carried a grudge against House Ashtrayides. The Popquizzitor Trillyun Subaru, the woman who had the robot called Anti-Asimov, had some dealings with them. No need to say much more about these Ashtrayides-haters, as they won't be on center stage in what follows. But more than twenty available Green Flashlights flew to the home star systems of those endangered humans; and five of these Flashlights were human or near-human, and were married to Dahudoran Heart Sapphires. The Sapphire Sisters who were part of the aid package were ideal people to provide what used to be called civil defense.

This is to demonstrate that the peril hanging over the disrupted Galactic Empire was both widespread and severe. The readers are invited to assume that, between quasi-magical artifact-wielders and on-scene military resources, the Ashtrayides-hating worlds ultimately survived any robot attacks which came their way. Now to move along.

= = = = = = = = = = =

On Planet Waterpark, Howie Maui of Urth was flying to and fro above open ocean in the northern temperate latitudes. He had been doing this almost since arriving on the Ashtrayides fief-planet. Since the looming threat was robotic, the enemies of life might well be dropping small scouting droids, like the one seen on Hoth in an early scene of "The Empire Strikes Back." Any such spy-bots dispatched to Waterpark were likely to be watergoing types, which made Howie's assignment uneventful but most relevant. Ounce of prevention and all that.

Taking a break on one of the royal family's private bungalow-islands, Howie found Duke Stillneater, grandson of Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable, sitting alone in a posture which suggested meditation. The adolescent ruler, nephew to Prince Groan Starr and to Lady Trala-Lalia, had his eyes closed, the levitated approach of the aquatic metahuman made no sound, the wind was blowing the wrong direction to carry the visitor's scent to the sovereign's nostrils, and the power of The Jalapeno did not strictly speaking confer genuine telepathy. Nonetheless--

"Hello, Mister Maui. Since you would have radioed in if you had uncovered any probes, I venture to hope that you can take a while to talk. Let me hear an outside perspective about-- what you'll see on my right bicep."

"I see that about ten square inches of your skin in that place has become scaly, but the changed skin does not look like true fish scales."

Now Stillneater looked Howie in the eyes. "You haven't yet seen a Habanero monster; their skin looks this way." (Note: in this context, the H in "habanero" is not silent.) "They're the creatures which produce our vital nutrient for special abilities. But this organic elixir is not supposed to TURN US INTO Habanero monsters."

Howie stared at him. "Can you resist this process?"

Stillneater shrugged. "I've been resisting it for two years or so by now."

"But if it isn't normal, why do you even HAVE TO deal with it?"

"Are you sure you want to hear the answer?"

"Don't worry, Your Highness. Most of us superheroes by now have grasped the fact that our life is patterned upon made-up stories. We can handle this knowledge, because we know that we really DO EXIST, with genuine free will."

"So it is here-- but with a grim difference. OUR story-reality derives from the work of an Original Earth novelist who had an astonishingly bitter spirit. He wanted everything to go wrong, and everyone to be miserable, just so he could convince readers-- and convince himself-- that faith in the True Creator must be harmful. His influence, even after his death, makes it hard for us to STOP our sub-universe from going down the sewer. This influence is trying to change me into a horrible monster."

 

[Copperfox]

Not long after Howie went back to patrolling, a ship arrived carrying Bunkem Isotope, Trala-Lalia Isotope-Ashtrayides, and Giles Magg. They gave notice to Stillneater's protection detail, and the son of Muddy-Drip and Grainy welcomed them.

"Aunt Trala, have you completed the draft of a constitution?"

"Yes, nephew, mostly by Bunkem's ideas, we have something which fellow Mentalcats, Penny Jezebels, former slaves from Greedy Crime, and other groups appear in sampling to find acceptable. One of the crucial points is NO CONSECUTIVE TERMS in any civil-government position. An individual can serve more than once in the same office, or hold a similar office in a different jurisdiction, but others must be given a chance in between."

Bunkem drew closer to the young Duke. "Speaking of jurisdictions, my lord duke: if you agree, direct ducal rule will be withdrawn from the majority of worlds in the Imperium. Obviously, Waterpark and Srirachiss will remain under the exclusive dominion of House Ashtrayides. So will Greedy Crime, Lousy Sekondhanstor, and eighty-seven special-purpose orbital platforms plus thirty-one artificial-habitat worlds which have always been preserves of your family. Srirachiss will elect its own leaders; you will hold veto power over candidates, but your veto can be overridden if seventy percent of Srirachian voters oppose it."

Stillneater gave a grim smile. "I would rather get overruled on every veto, than change into a disgusting monster by following that accursed False-Gold Path!" --referring to Frank Herbert's idiotic premise that humanity would learn justice FAR BETTER by having fifty generations or more endure a completely meaningless ordeal of oppression.

"The topic of the False-Gold Path," replied Giles, "will be our one and only exception to freedom of speech and media. No one who advocates any version of that abomination can ever hold ANY government office, nor planetary-level supervision of any vital industry, nor headship of a labor union, nor any military position higher than a corporal."

"Very well. Now let us turn our thoughts back to our defense against the evil robots."

 

[Copperfox]

The boondock planet where heroes mostly from Terra had captured a chapter of Hotblood Matrons, became the place where Street Bat graduated from catching urban crooks to taking part in an interstellar war. Still urban, though. It was assumed that the evil machines, wanting to exterminate living creatures and believing themselves unbeatable, would head for the biggest settlement first.

Because the approaching aggressors were not alive, the masked crusader felt no obligation to refrain from killing them. At the field headquarters just lately set up by a crowd of Russians, Street Bat was manning a twin-barreled anti-aircraft gun. Its line of aim could be lowered to engage surface targets, but Yuri Suvorov was on hand to increase weight of fire against the expected robots. Assisted by a Spetsnaz private, the sergeant was manning a 60-millimeter mortar. This weapon enjoyed less precision than Street Bat's gun; but its purpose was to break up formations of charging robots, by making them stumble over the wreckage of robots which had been shattered by high explosive.

Black Admiral was in orbit when the evil robots' first troopship emerged from hyperspace. As agreed upon with Modest Guderian, the top-level superhero made it his first move to cripple its jump-engines, leaving it unable to go back and fetch MORE evil robots. Most of the transatmospheric landing craft got past him to land their mechanical troops; but whoever was at the other end would not immediately realize that their delivery system had just been reduced. Planetary surveillance watched for any additional troop transports.

When the assault shuttles came lower than stratosphere, Black Admiral temporarily descended from looking for a second major ship to appear, and smashed two more of the landing craft, making sure that no pieces fell onto people. This gave the defenders on the ground more time to adjust their own positions upon seeing where the enemy was touching down. As an added twist, several of the first robots deployed fell into primitive-but-effective pit traps. Then it was the turn of people with guns (including Hotbloods who had the sense to understand who did or didn't want to kill them) to go crazy with blam-blam-blam.

Yoga-Rug had remotely passed a vital fact to the defenders. The evil robots understood the characteristics of Dune-type mobile shields-- and knew that these would produce a thermonuclear explosion if struck by any directed-energy weapon. The vital part was that the robots WERE NOT using shields. The robots had no fear of dying, but reckoned it would be unproductive to let a huge part of their army be suddenly wiped out.

Based on this intelligence, at Professor Karpov's advice, the defenders were all using projectile weapons-- exactly AS IF they also feared their own ranks being decimated by a giant explosion if rayguns were used. This trick should enable them to hold beam weapons in reserve; ditto Black Admiral's magic lightning. But Black Admiral had no need to conceal his flight and super-speed abilities; indeed, his openly showing his mobility powers might mislead the enemy into inferring that those powers WERE what the defenders were placing all their hopes on.

Four of the Spetsnaz troopers were slain-- including Lieutenant Guderian-- though they took many evil robots out with them. Sergeant Suvorov assumed command of the Terran-Russian soldiers. Six of the Hotblood Matrons who had signed on were killed-- NOT including Pristaka, since we're keeping her available to become the new Mrs. Rutintutin. Two of the warrior priests died protecting Donat Karpov, and caught the express elevator to The Good Place. But Father Vasili and his followers, using only melee weapons, were taking an especially high toll from the aggressors; it was part of their anointing that the stronger the opposition was, the more powerful the martial priests became. Backy "Winter Trooper" Shedd, meanwhile, pitched in wherever he was needed most; this included protecting Street Bat several times, when the caped crimefighter needed to change out ammunition drums and overheated barrels on his twin-mount weapon (the mortar had by now completely run out of ammo).

At last, Karpov recommended the big surprise, and Sergeant Suvorov passed the word. Descending from near-planet space where he had been busy damaging enemy ships, Black Admiral cut loose with lightning on the largest concentration of murderous robots. This in turn was the cue for about forty local humans (hidden until now) to open fire on the robots' flank with laser guns.

The robots' hope of triumph dissolved. The last remaining eighty-six automatons, unable to report home, deleted their own memory banks, in order that the humans here could not learn what other inhabited worlds were scheduled for assault. Three hours later, while injured humans underwent battlefield surgery as required, local scientists and mechanics, receiving recommendations from Donat Karpov, began sorting out pieces of smashed evil machines, determining the best uses for all the salvaged scrap material.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

 

[Copperfox]

Lodge "Captain Rightawrong" Flake, with a boost from the good wizard Hector von Bootblack, brought his own anti-evil-robot force to an Ashtrayides-affiliated planet called Stamnorgo. The company of non-superpowered (but well equipped) warriors who came with him contained no individuals previously seen onstage. Its ground commander was a Ziblamot male named Jedfarzor.

Arriving with advance notice given on Stamnorgo, Lodge found that a dozen or so centaur-like sapients with heads like bears were already there, making acquaintance with Stamnorgar humans. The centauroids, called Hoofmarkians, had been involved for years in educating the genetically-related people of Jinobrid. The eldest of the Hoofmarkians on Stamnorgo was a female named Varvorbif, a scholar who had recently been engaged in mapping star systems near the Andromeda Galaxy end of the Red Streak Wormhole. It didn't take long for Lodge Flake to enlighten Varvorbif about the menace approaching the region on THIS side of the Red Streak.

"To the best of my knowledge, the artificial intelligence directing this genocide campaign is only interested in exterminating humans. But this may be merely because it was first created in a sub-universe where there WEREN'T ANY non-humanoid sapients."

This discussion resulted in Varvorbif contacting her homeworld by subspace radio. Hoofmark enjoyed no interstellar-travel capability of its own, but had long interacted with galaxy-traveling people, above all the Green Flashlight Corps. In fact, one Hoofmarkian stallion by the name of Sheckmarosh had recently become his world's first Green Flashlight. Accordingly, Planet Hoofmark's leadership offered to ask Sheckmarosh to join the anti-evil-robot campaign, with a stipulation that he be allowed to choose for himself whatever area of operations was best suited for preventing any robot incursions against Hoofmark.

This ended up assigning the new Flashlight to a human world called Pointfar, which was part of the Dune-based civilization, but which had lost contact with anyone else generations before. Fortunately, during introductions, the fact of Lodge Flake being human forestalled any panic which might have been caused by Sheckmarosh NOT being human.

Your author informs you in advance that the evil robots DON'T come as far out as Pointfar, but the Pointfarrian humans do benefit from the scientific knowledge that Sheckmarosh passes along to them while he's protecting them. And the readers benefit by being reminded that it's a big universe.

 

[Copperfox]

On Earth-Whichever as on Original Earth, in the Defense Department of the United States of America, the Chairperson of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is not an operational force commander; it's an _administrative_ post. For General Timothy "Thumper" Moss, this was a source of great frustration. It was the reason why, having little field experience to his credit, Moss had begun pursuing an extracurricular path to fame. He had envisioned a metahuman special-forces unit, which would be known as "The Thumpercolts."

The existence of this project was not being kept so secret as to make Moss clearly guilty of misconduct. For instance, when he interviewed superheroes from India who had been part of Earth-Whichever's defense against Trippenwonk, military leaders both Indian and American had been in attendance. All of these had been informed when, with her consent, the sensory filaments embedded in Jelisaveta Vhani's face (she's the wife of superhero Flying Elephant) were analyzed and finally replicated. The new set of energy-detection implants would be given to Cadenza Mundayne, a well-kept black-haired forty-plus woman who was an advisor to the Chairman of Joint Chiefs. This gift, plus extensive biological rejuvenation, would enable Cadenza herself to become one of the Thumpercolts. (More about this later.)

This post picks up with scientist Bryce Donner sleeping peacefully, in the bedroom of a military housing unit. Hours before, he had been meeting with Moss for a perfectly legitimate discussion of enhancing more people the way Bryce had enhanced his cousin to become the Exquisite She-Hunk. There would be more such sessions tomorrow and the next day; but unknown to Bryce, brainwave scanning (based on captured Shadything technology) had already gleaned enough data from the sleeping genius' brain to enable starting an extra-covert part of the plan even before a relatively-open project could begin.

+ + + + + + + + + + + +

Over in Red China, the kung-fu couple who had joined in the defense against the Awkwardlispian invasion years before were now in a Lao Gai (equivalent of Russian "gulag") for "disloyalty to the Party." In this case, "disloyalty" meant daring to criticize Beijing's failed attempt to conquer Nepal and India. Although the spouses, genuine Chinese patriots, had offered no resistance when arrested, they were still being kept under close watch in the prison camp, by no less than ten of the locally-developed War Witches.

These modified female soldiers of the People's Liberation Army enjoyed the same prowess as Sharbadil, the bird-legged "true" War Witch who was their template. But even the greatest tough-chick warriors can't fight an adversary if they HAVE NO CLUE THAT HE'S EVEN PRESENT.

Jimmy "Unfindable Man" Strum, brother of Woman Torch and husband of She-Hunk, was not currently needed on any other planet; and the Spirit Kookaburra of Ostralia had notified him of where Kam and Bao could be found. Independently from the Thumpercolt Project, Bryce Donner had arranged a knowledge implantation of the Mandarin Chinese language into Jimmy's brain. A submarine had let Jimmy off at the nearest reachable place to the Lao Gai where the heroes were unjustly confined. Making his way to where the prison camp was, he rode on the roof of a military truck bound for the camp, then silently jumped off.

Having also been brain-implanted with the faces of those he sought, Jimmy whispered to them that he was here to bust them out. "But what about our children?" Bao protested.

"They'll be all right," Unfindable Man assured her. "Your world is well known to the Janitors of the Universe now; even as we speak, they'll be sending three or four Green Flashlights to remove your children and other close relatives to safety. The Flashlights won't even have to harm anyone; they'll have the extraction finished before Beijing has a clue to what's happening."

Kam frowned. "We can hardly refuse to be set free; but you must not ask us to FIGHT AGAINST China."

"No one will ask that of you. But let's get moving. I can make you invisible along with myself....."
+ + + + + + + + + + +

At a nearly inaccessible chalet in Switzerland, Henry Steinenfranck paid a visit to his most untrustworthy research subject: retired mercenary Walt Welldunn, who had been granted near-immortality and the code name of Dirtypool. Mister Welldunn was cheating at solitaire when Steinenfranck entered his quarters.

"Doctor, can you find me a few more VHS tapes?" Analog electronics were still in regular use on Earth-Whichever. Dirtypool had a boundless appetite for movies in which honorable conduct and faith in God were childishly mocked and ridiculed.

"That can be arranged, Walt. I can _afford_ to pamper you, precisely because I have a leash on you."

Dirtypool, in contrast with his template in Original Earth comic books, was rather _less_ absurdly unkillable. Yes, he had ridiculous regeneration ability; but enough deprivation of oxygen, water or nourishment would cancel out his regeneration, rendering him killable. You can't get something for nothing. An explosion violent enough to disintegrate his body would rule out his re-integrating it by his own power. And..... he had no immunity to the genetically-tailored virus which had been concocted precisely to kill him swiftly if he made too much trouble.

"All right, Doctor, are you finally going to tell me who my new playmates will be?"

"I can give you three names: Cadenza Mundayne, John Hiker, and Nabila bint-Faisal."

"That tells me plenty of nothing, except that you aren't excluding women from the game."

"Their code names, respectively, will be Bashmistress, Useless Agent, and Alchemistress."

Dirtypool smirked. "I always wanted to have two mistresses at once."

"Too bad, Walt. Finding girlfriends will have to wait."

"Okay, is one woman a fighter and the other a chemist?"

Steinenfranck nodded. "Mostly so. Cadenza has been given both physical prowess, and a sense for what OTHER people are able to do. A captured War Witch named Erogsee, in Brazilian custody, had something to do with it. Nabila didn't actually need our help to become unique; she discovered an ancient Sumerian treasure trove with magical secrets. She came to America because 'patriarchy' REALLY DOES exist where she lived. General Moss gives her more slack than her father, grandfathers, and elder brothers ever did."

"Finally, is the name 'Useless Agent' some kind of joke?"

"In a certain sense. In some situations, he'll be nearly as formidable as you; in other situations, he will be totally ineffectual. When the Thumpercolts go active, you'll understand the dynamic better."

 

[Copperfox]

Stony "Iron Gent" Stork knew Master Kam and Mistress Bao by reputation, and they him. Unfindable Man brought the couple to the corporate headquarters of Stork Industries, and stayed with them to ensure everyone understood each other. The couple's children were also present, but said nothing because your author has not decided anything about their personalities.

"Do you like jasmine tea?...... Some dim sum?...... I want you to know that you have options. I can give you a grant to start your own kung-fu school."

Kam raised a hand, as if in a classroom. "What obligations would we owe you in that case?"

"None. If you need to know what's in it for me, my sponsoring your new career would mean great public relations for me, without this doing you any harm. But you have a good public reputation of your own even without me; everybody knows how you fought against the alien invasion. Your new school is a given; you'll attract thousands of new students without even trying. I just want you to realize how broad your horizons are now. You already know that other versions of Earth exist, each with its own version of China. If you relocate to a different China, there'll never be ANY danger of your being trapped in conflict against the China you knew."

In her seated posture, Bao bowed deeply. "Thank you so much, Mister Stork. Even if we don't choose the option of another Earth, we'll be more at ease knowing just what possibilities are available."

+ + + + + + + + + +

Henry Steinenfranck and Walt Welldun flew to the United States without mishap. Walt was not especially brave by nature; most of his past actions had involved targets who couldn't fight back. His present invulnerability made it easy for him to act cocky; but it was highly sobering for him to know that he COULD NEVER KNOW how many of General Moss' agents might be on standby, ready to deliver the virus which would kill him.

At a secret facility in Maryland, Walt was introduced to his fellow covert recruits. Knowing that Cadenza Mundayne was chronologically no less than forty-four years old, he could tell that NOW she was twenty years younger in every way that mattered. In a well-equipped gym, General Ross asked him to spar with John Hiker.

It took less than a minute for Dirtypool to understand that in a serious hand-to-hand fight, if not for his regeneration power, Useless Agent could have killed him easily inside of thirty seconds.

Pulling his mind away from that thought (since he greatly preferred to feel smug and superior), Dirtypool turned toward General Moss. "And what does Miss Mundayne do?"

"Sort of the same," the General replied; "but watching other fighters, any other fighters, helps her do it better. Cadenza, please give us a playback."

The next moment, Cadenza alias Bashmistress did what resembled a practice kata in a dojo. But the onlooking mercenary suddenly realized that she was RE-ENACTING every move he had made when sparring Useless Agent. Then, like a playback, she imitated every move Useless Agent had made.

Touching Walt's masked left cheek with graceful fingertips, Cadenza said, "I absorb every humanly-possible technique that I see performed. There's more to be said, but it can wait. You'll be interested to meet Nabila; she wants to meet you, now that no one can tell her NOT to meet new men."

 

[Copperfox]

The rejuvenated Cadenza Mundayne and the actually-young Nabila bint-Faisal were both spectacularly beautiful, nines at least. They even resembled each other: same height and weight, both with black hair, and both with aquiline noses. Cadenza, however, dressed only JUST revealingly enough to confirm the restored youthfulness she rejoiced in-- whereas what Nabila rejoiced in was her freedom from the Sharia dress code. As soon as she saw Dirtypool, she not only let him see plenty, she brought that plenty right up close.

"I have plans for you, handsome"-- though Dirtypool had not yet removed his whole-head mask. "I'm the only member of Thumpercolts who ISN'T all about punching, kicking, strangling, disembowelling and shooting people. If you haven't been told already, I'm a magic-user. I don't utter spoken incantations as direct magical attacks, but I create magical substances. Liquids and powders so far, but I hope to create magical garments and magical blades. Your invulnerability makes you my perfect test subject; I can dose you with this or that, and you won't die but can tell me what sensations come."

"Excuse me, gorgeous, but it hasn't been determined if MAGIC can kill me."

She kissed him emphatically. "The fact that I detest the men I escaped from, doesn't mean that I hate other men. The magical writings I studied make a clear distinction between a substance being CREATED BY magical means, and a substance which IS MAGICAL in itself. I would never ask you to ingest any potion which could magically bypass your immunity and inflict incurable harm on you."

"Sounds good. Colonel Hiker, were you told whether any more metahumans will join our team?"

"It doesn't leave this room, and the General here hasn't revealed a name, but we expect to receive a fifth member: someone enjoying the same caliber of enhancement which created the She-Hunk."

Moss looked at Dirtypool. "Meanwhile, since it would come out soon anyway, I'll tell you why John Hiker is nicknamed 'Useless'."

Useless Agent sighed. "Might as well allow Mister Welldunn to see it for himself. Walt, a sort of neurological trade-off was implemented on me. Part of the reason for it is that it facilitates Miss Cadenza reading my actions. At least, that's what Doctor Steinenfranck says. I can, in theory and so far in practice, defeat ANY MAN who doesn't have superpowers, and even some who do. But in melee combat with any WOMAN-- indeed, with any girl over age eleven-- Nabila, if you would?"

Nabila lowered her gaze. "After being bullied for so long when I was powerless, I don't want to bully anyone else. Can't you just SAY what it is?"

"Mister Dirtypool might not believe it unseen. And you don't have to PUNCH me, just give me a shove."

Reluctantly, Alchemistress pushed John's chest. It shouldn't have been enough to stagger even a seven-year-old boy; but John Hiker fell sprawling on the training mat.

"I didn't LET her push me down; my design, my programming, whatever, makes me helpless, physically, against women. I could shoot one, but no luck unarmed."

"Um, all right," muttered Dirtypool. "The Thumpercolts are sure not the most conventional of teams."

=====> I THINK I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY "HALO" TAKEOFF NEXT.

 

[Copperfox]

You will have noticed that none of my parodies keeps tightly conformed to the original franchises. For instance, with a very few additional changes to my "Punksteema" saga, no one would even suspect that it was suggested by Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series.

Thus with my takeoff on "Halo." My premise most conspicuously departs from the game in five particulars:

--- I don't imagine the human race having already achieved interstellar flight LONG BEFORE Earth's recorded history.

--- Though not ancient in galactic travel, the humans in my Heyho plot-thread still are fairly up-to-date in space travel. As a corollary, my "Heyho" humans are not close to being exterminated, though they're not safe and secure either.

--- The Halo Rings in the game support a livable external environment, which is itself a blatant imitation of Larry Niven's "Ringworld" novels. My "Heyho Rings" are survivable without spacesuits only in the pressurized interior. This makes my scenario a little bit simpler.

--- My "Crackshots" are far less exclusive than the Spartans in the game. They still enjoy organic improvements, but these are not quite as much of a super-covert secret; there are MORE OF my Crackshots than there are of the Halo Spartans; and non-humans who are friendly to humanity can become Crackshots also.

--- If I correctly understand "Halo" chronology, my version of the Forerunner civilization is much closer in time to the life of my version of Master Chief than what the game and its book spinoffs depict.

This much being explained, I want to hasten forward (Unto Dawn?) and let my character "Master Champ" meet the characters who recently were in the "Babylon Five"-based sub-reality.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Since we last saw Snack and Noherra Salad, Lodratrid and Zubdookree, they had been busy on Planet Bigspoke, providing technical and Fuss-related information to Lieutenant-General Amos Judd and the intelligence officer Veronica Blythe. One member of the group, not being needed for this procedure, was asked to accompany Johnny-747 to Planet Stretch, where he could meet Jacob and Raquel Mossyhutch.

A female Crackshot named Kelsey-62, who had often fought beside the Master Champ, was currently on light duty while recovering from terrible wounds that she had suffered just five days before she began to exist (remember what I've said about the "Heyho" sub-universe materializing in mid-story). She escorted Karbeena Owtfield, the sexy but abrasive near-human former thief based on a regular character in "Babylon Five: Crusade," to meet Johnny-747 in a break area.

Unarmored at present, the Master Champ was not exactly handsome, but his hound-dog face was accurately suggestive of his noble and virtuous heart. He was seated on a bench, speaking quietly with a foot-high hologram of a dark-haired woman whose figure easily rivaled Karbeena's. It was the hologram who first acknowledged the two persons entering the spacious room.

"Captain Blythe, I see that you have brought Miss Karbeena Owtfeeld, formerly of the city Neechee-Kamoo on the planet Philm-Nwarr. Has she told as much to General Judd as she has to tell?"

Karbeena scowled. "Hey, I'm in the room, you know. You can pose questions to me!"

Cortexa's synthesized tone of voice was unchanged. "Since I do not automatically hear every non-electronic speaking-voice conversation that occurs within a two-kilometer radius spherical space around me, I could not know in advance whether you yourself were even told how much Amos Judd wanted to ask you about."

Karbeena was unmollified. "You still should have spoken to me first. I'm glad that neither my sub-universe, nor the one Snack and Raquel come from, relies heavily on artificial intelligence."

Cortexa shrugged. "Then I apologize for offending you; but I'm programmed to prioritize United Civilizations personnel in all communications. Did the General indicate being finished with debriefing you?"

Karbeena calmed down. "He didn't specify either way, but he finished questioning me and answering my questions three minutes before he finished asking Noherra questions about lightspeed propulsion."

"Well and good," said Johnny. "So do you have unanswered questions from your own side?"

"Come to think of it...... I first met those two Fuss adepts when they were on a mission unrelated to events here; but I suppose it could become related. Bruce Loxbagel, the chief executive of an interstellar community rather like your own, asked Zubdookree and Lodratrid to tour star systems within his jurisdiction, uncovering any instances of women being oppressed and enslaved by patriarchy. They picked me up on Philm-Nwarr, and added me to their mission. We found VERY FEW cases of gender abuse, and eventually moved on to other things.

"We, of course, have no jurisdiction within your territory; but if there are any statistics on gender-equality issues in your space which you care to disclose, we would like to send those to the Great Artifact-- that's a sort of gigantic database-- for purposes of wide-scope research."

"I suppose that can be done," said Johnny in a bland voice; "but it is far from being first, second, third, fourth, or fifth priority. The Congregation, equally its males and its females, would like to kill ALL of us who don't join them on their terms."

"I'll refer you to a record keeper for answers on that subject," Captain Blythe assured. "But you've already seen that both sexes can and do serve in the Crackshots."

Karbeena turned toward the intel officer. "For sure, and I'm glad of it. But I can't help wondering whether there might be some unexamined micro-aggressions going on. Like, with your artificial intelligence avatars."

"I anticipate a specious complaint," said Cortexa to the Master Champ. Then, to Karbeena: "Let me guess: you suspect that, because I present myself as an attractive human female, this means our whole system promotes the disrespectful objectifying of women. I can set your bio-brain at ease. I have independent control over the image I project." For six seconds, she assumed the grotesque (to human eyes) form of a Mipstipter. "And I happen to like assuming a look which is pleasing to Johnny-747. There are other A.I.'s in service who take on the likeness of good-looking men."

"All right, then, is there species bias?"

"No. I periodically interface with one A.I. who works in communications encryption; he projects the image of an Efrachiktu. Another one presents as a female Sankasselum, even though that's a species found on BOTH sides of the war."

 

[Copperfox]

Later, at a dining hall equipped to provide correct nutrition for every species known to the United Civilizations, Karbeena sat with Noherra at her right hand and Snack on Noherra's right, Kelsey-62 on Karbeena's left, and a spaceship crewman called Yun Ping-Tuk across from her. Ping-Tuk didn't conceal the fact that he found Karbeena highly attractive; but the Philm-Nwarrian expatriate suppressed her instinct to take offense at everything. It helped that all of the spaceman's conversation with her was about starship types and space stations within the Bubblewrap Coalition.

Eventually, Karbeena asked Ping-Tuk, "Do you commonly deal with autonomous A.I.'s in space?"

"Yes I do, at least when stationed aboard a squadron flagship. My squadron has one calling herself Whistlebell; she says that she derived it from the old expression 'bells and whistles'."

"So, assuming the form of a woman?"

"Yes, and a nice-looking one; only, not opting for exotic beauty like Master Champ's girlfriend. Whistlebell projects herself as a cute tomboy, with red hair as short as it can be without appearing mannish. There can be no disputing the fact that she feels woman-like emotions; only, with her it's like she is simultaneously everyone's little sister and everyone's BIG sister."

Noherra, who had loved and lost one human male sweetheart and later found another one, decided to help Karbeena along in the conversation. She asked Ping-Tuk what was probably on Karbeena's mind: "What about the blue one, Cortexa? Does calling her the Master Champ's 'girlfriend' signify his actually feeling romantic desire for her? For an animated image which can't be touched??"

"Hard to say, Captain Synthmusica-Salad. But 747 doesn't want to work with any other A.I., and she doesn't want to work with any human contingent that he isn't part of, unless her doing so benefits him. There are whispers now and then, that maybe she could be downloaded into a realistic android body which would be capable-- which, um, could interact, I mean, tangibly with Master Champ. No one wants to say too much about it, though."

Every table in the dining hall possessed a small multi-purpose data terminal. Karbeena and her traveling companions had seen similar devices often enough; but only after this table's conversation had wandered into other topics did the terminal startle all of them by producing an image of Cortexa, twice as tall as she had seemed previously. She was looking directly at Karbeena.

"Miss Owtfeeld, Captain Noherra, your questions are natural, and to the extent that I could feel offended, I am NOT offended. Since high-grade audiovisual media can SIMULATE every conceivable emotion of sapient beings, there probably is no way for me to prove that my self-awareness is complete enough to include genuine human-like sentiments. But for what it's worth, I know that I have real feelings. And my feelings can be traced to an origin much more profound than the fact that I make myself appear like a beautiful woman.

"Years ago, during the war against the Introductories, in the crucial military operation which gained control of a Heyho Ring for the United Civilizations, Johnny-747 rescued me. Rescued a bodiless data-cluster, you may ask? But at that time, I was loaded into storage in a network belonging to the Introductories, and had no means to transmit myself out of there. Everyone else gave up on retrieving me; but Johnny alone insisted on regarding me as a comrade, as a fellow soldier. The Crackshots leave no living comrade behind; and his treating me AS a fellow Crackshot was near enough to being an act of love. He found me, ensured that I was loaded into something he could carry away, and brought me home. Yes, his doing this meant recovering valuable intel about our enemies; but I knew that it also pleased him to have saved ME. Call this team spirit or whatever else, but Johnny and I would rather be together than apart."

After half a minute of silence, Snack Salad addressed Cortexa: "I can only wish you luck. Don't say anything more about this if you don't want to, or if it's classified on a need-to-know basis; but if it ever does prove possible for you to become a living woman, or even a sufficiently accurate simulation of one..... I hope we'll be invited to the wedding."

"For this to happen," replied Cortexa, not commenting upon whether it WAS possible, "Johnny would need to remain alive; and it's my first priority to ensure that he does remain alive." Her voice grew quieter. "Or, failing that.... to ensure that he doesn't die for nothing."

 

[Copperfox]

On Planet Stretch, a world much fought over in the Heyho story-reality, Warrant Officer Sinchoodi-939 had her Crackshot force well dug in at a defensible place. The Crackshots, with Jacob and Raquel Mossyhutch, were standing by to discover whether the regional Juggernasty leader Highmaster Starterus, a very high Congregation official, would show signs of negotiating peace in good faith.

Zubdookree and Lodratrid had spent a lot of time providing information about the wider universe to United Civilizations authorities. If chronology calls for them to have done more stuff, helped human or human-friendly settlers on a remote part of Stretch to repel an unauthorized but savage assault on a human town by undisciplined Skankbellies. (I remind you that Skankbellies, though capable of language, LOOK LIKE the Aliens that Sigourney Weaver fought in movies, and have no concept of good manners.)

A watchful but quiet night gave way to a sun-glare morning. A four-person sentry shift which overlapped night and morning had eaten breakfast-or-call- it-supper, and turned in to sleep, when a call came via the agreed-upon frequency, saying that a Congregation parleying team would soon approach from the agreed-upon direction. Raquel Delgado-Mossyhutch was asleep, having been part of the sentry section preceding the watch that had just now gone to bed; but Jacob was up and alert, occupying an inconspicuous firing position on the good guys' left flank. The alien truce party was coming on foot. Sinchoodi's knowledge of Congregation races made this out to be a male-female pair of Juggernasties, a male-female pair of Skankbellies who looked much older than the first couple, and nine relatively-tiny Mipstipters. All were unarmed and unarmored, though the two larger types were able to do damage even weaponless.

Jacob, a veteran of war against the predatory Postalfiends on Ringjonn Earth, reckoned that the U.C. troops knew their business here. He was on the lookout against anything UN-anticipated. And his gift of extraordinary luck enabled him to spot it. He had been briefed about the types of air-going or transatmospheric fliers used by the Congregation, and he knew for certain that no U.C. or civilian aircraft were active hereabouts at present. So the five dark silhouettes growing in the sky far off had to be Congregation scouts or fighters. Three seconds after this, he was barking over the comm set his new friends had issued to him: "Bandits, east by northeast! Targeting our visitors, not us!"

Any nonhuman aircraft homing in here at all, was in itself a breach of good faith. Without further delay, Jacob cut loose with his physically-impossible gravity gun. Its tiny but lethal pellets, flying at half the speed of light, penetrated the diving enemy planes as if the planes were made of ice cream. All of them exploded-- ALMOST without getting off a shot. One missile, from the last fighter destroyed, exploded close enough to the bewildered emissaries, that five of the Mipstipters were killed. The remaining Mipstipters flew directly away from the Crackshots, while the Juggernasty and Skankbelly couples, all wounded in some degree by shrapnel from the Congregation missile, ran TOWARD Sinchoodi-939's position.

A male Efrachiktu named Quistolo, a comms operator as many of his race were, was responsible for the plotline-convenient language translation apparatus. He called out to the four large aliens, "We did not fire upon you! No one from our side fired at you! Come to us, and any injuries among you will be treated!"

The female Juggernasty called back, "Yes, we understand that it was not you who shot at us! This must be the work of Apishbox!"

Everyone on the Crackshot side who had been sleeping was wide awake now, of course. Coming up alongside Sinchoodi, Raquel heard several friendlies repeating the name which the Congregation delegate had uttered. "Who in chaos is Apishbox?"

"Possibly the most fanatical and hard-hearted of all Juggernasties," the warrant officer told her. "It would be like him to murder people of his own race, if this would prevent a peace agreement."

 

[Copperfox]

Mulkaspi, the Juggernasty female who had acknowledged Quistolo's call, though she was limping from fragment wounds, made it first to the Crackshots' position. Rhonda Pilsner, a colonial human surgeon who had volunteered to assist the Crackshots and had been fitted with protective body armor, worked with Corporal David-302, the platoon's medic. David, as a Crackshot, knew more about the anatomy of enemy races, so he could supplement Rhonda's expertise. Together, they made sure that all four aliens now under their protection were properly treated.

The two alien couples proved to be actual married couples. Zafnast, the male Skankbelly, once informed who was in charge on the human side, told Sinchoodi-939, "You must put me on the truce frequency. Let me pass a code phrase to Starterus."

This was done, and the Highmaster acknowledged. Part of Starterus' response was unintelligible; but after a pause for thought, Zafnast gestured for Sinchoodi's further attention.

"The game has changed. Starterus has authorized me to admit to you that he was prepared to break faith and attack you treacherously, if he judged this expedient. But Apishbox is what you call a wild card; he cares only for his own pride and fame, not for the sacred cause. If you will permit Mulkaspi to speak further with our Highmaster, we may be able, even now, to achieve some degree of truce, if only to spite the interfering vermin Apishbox."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mostly thanks to Ickylinn's magic, she and Tyrone Glass Neilsen had comfortable shelter on the unsettled planet, just outside the Heyho reality, from which Ickylinn psychically surveyed events in the new storyline. Tyrone's contribution, since he did possess galactic-travel experience, was to outline starship fleets and planetary governments. He didn't understand that the Almighty WOULDN'T LET HIM imagine anything which would ruin the game-based premise.

But Congregation Prophet Julep'Drinka was pretty much Tyrone's brainchild; the two evil-aligned lovers relished the expectation of personally meeting him, though Julep'Drinka would never know they had created him. Like all other now-living Heyhoverse characters, he believed that he remembered a genuine lifetime from birth to the present. It has been stated that members of the long-necked Sankasselum race could be found on both sides of the Heyho wars. The downfall of the Introductories had been a watershed. Some Sankasselum had come to realize that the United Civilizations was morally superior to the Introductories, while other Sankasselum leaped at the opportunity to INHERIT the prestige of that ancient-in-the-story fellowship.

What Prophet Julep'Drinka understood was that these alien humans, having a base far from any worlds he had walked on, had somehow caused him to enjoy deep charisma and popularity among his fellow evildoers. He was glad to thank them-- especially since no one from The Congregation would ever witness him thanking "mere" humans. Indeed, he had a tangible token of appreciation to give them: a collection of rare gems and quartz polyhedrons, which Ickylinn would be able to use in future spell-casting.

The most significant thing Tyrone said to Julep-Drinka was this:

"Your faith community, improvement that it is over the era of the Introductories, has the potential to enlighten ALL sentient life everywhere. This is why we have encouraged you not to melt down whole worlds if they defy you. We are gifting you, Prophet Julep, with even more eloquence and persuasiveness than you possessed until now. You can reprogram entire populations with your wisdom, only very seldom needing to terminate dissenters. The spread of your creed will be made easier by the fact that you offer the emotional thrill of a supernatural faith, yet you do not need to surrender your pride to any PERSONAL Creator.

"And of course, if dissenters grow more powerful than your ecclesiastical regime, we can help you to switch allegiance."

 

[Copperfox]

IN WELLVERNIA, THE SOUTH CONTINENT OF PUNKSTEEMA , Wyatt Hickok and Ilya Trostel had concluded their visit in Pathamel, the native country of the late Otto Kergoff. There, an elderly matron called Helga Schiller had introduced the two gunslinger-knights to a pair of Pathamelian lads, both around a year younger than Ilya, and suitable to be trained as new Towermen. Frethric Belgus was the third son of a lumberjack, making it natural for him, like Ilya, to carry an axe as a melee weapon. Lagmarosk Mezdatch was the second son of a road inspector; Wyatt and Ilya were intrigued to see that he could effectively wield a spade to fight. Both boys also possessed knives; and each carried a bolt-action single-bullet hunting rifle, resembling the gun Heejee faf-Tujan of Drovalish carried. The elder Mister Belgus and the elder Mister Mezdatch, both men of practical sense, had seen to it that the two rifles were of the same caliber, making their bullets interchangeable.

Wyatt determined the location of a seaport farther west, which possessed a telegraph connection to the capital of Pathamel. Once their ship anchored in the chief harbor of the kingdom of Hultisna, Wyatt would send back to Pathamel a telegram reporting how they were doing. He told the Mezdatch and Belgus families to expect this telegram five or six days after the Towermen's ship got underway.

But the telegraph office proved not to be immediately accessible. It was well that the two established Towermen had already had time to get acquainted with the newbies at sea, because Frethric and Lagmarosk were clearly about to commence on-the-job training.

The waterfront on Hultisna Bay was exhaling gray smoke, and it appeared that every unburned ship and boat was anchored no nearer to the shore than half a mile. The captain of the just-arriving ship hailed the nearest craft which looked as if those on board it might have kept their heads during whatever catastrophe had struck their port.

The eldest man on this boat called back in commerce-language: "The dead people walking! Like what happened in Tablanor three years ago!"

Ilya hastily began telling his new comrades about the undead plague produced by the undying necromancer Jaheg-Jorod. Those ghouls-or- zombies-or-whatever- they technically-were had been divinely blocked from killing or monsterizing children (because Copperfox is not Stephen King), but had wounded some children, and had slain or monsterized many adults.

The merchant captain asked next, "Are the things still moving around?"

"No one's sure! We knew to use flame against them, but can't be certain we got them all."

Once this much was understood, Wyatt told the Pathamelian teenagers, "Ilya and I have the power to kill weapon-resistant monsters with ordinary attacks, but you two don't have it yet. We're going to put ashore east of the burning area and investigate. You will carry torches, because the ghouls are vulnerable to fire. If these uglies are the same as Ronald's band met, they won't be able to speak....."

The latest pass of Punksteema's abnormal moon kicked up wind and waves. After this, the questing quartet rowed ashore. Wyatt, first to step on land, held one of his revolvers in his left hand, and a long heavy knife in his right. Ilya gripped his axe two-handed. Lagmarosk and Frethric bore torches as planned.

From the shadow of a wide, intact oak tree, a man's voice was heard: "I recognize you, slayer of the werewolf!"

"And who recognizes me?"

"Call me Star Swallower."

"Then bring your unusual appetite closer where I can see your face."

 

[Copperfox]

A balding man in the regalia of a Frantic Druid emerged. He was unarmed, but this meant little in the presence of an evil magic-user.

"We have kept our eyes on you Towermen ever since the Battle of Oxhide Spring in Gahurr," said Star Swallower. You do not appear anxious to advance the high-flying plans of the Quelidard airship designer Jizbrol Tazaff. Are you able to say to me that you are officially not interested in OUR domain?"

"A question for a question. Are YOU able to say that none of you are interested in collaborating further with Bloody Diggers who enjoy killing people?"

"I know that you were not there. Now that you have been awakened from your hibernation, ought you not to learn more about recent conditions before you pass judgments on your betters?"

"If you're better," snapped Wyatt, "I'd hate to meet bad people. I know enough about your fellowship's history, that I can move to the real point: you have three seconds to tell me what, if anything, you have to do with ghoul infestation. One--"

A fusillade of shots erupted behind Wyatt. He recognized the sound of the magnum revolver which Ronald had given to Ilya. Whatever Ilya was now shooting at, Star Swallower had seen it and said nothing. But the sneering Frantic Druid would not succeed in his trickery. Putting bullets through Star Swallower's left shoulder and right foot, Wyatt whirled to join his companions in repelling a zombie attack.

The shuffling liches were not enormously strong, but unceasing aggressiveness had a strength of its own. Frethric with his axe, and Lagmarosk with his spade, whacked their assailants again and again, staggering each one momentarily, but no disabling damage was inflicted. The youths did not yet possess the Towerman's gift of being able to damage ALL monsters. Ilya did possess it, and moved with practiced agility, never allowing any ghoul to get a deadly grasp on the boys.

"Cripple them if you can!" Wyatt shouted. "Some of them can be made human again!"

His optimism was perhaps excessive. Never fewer than twenty ghoul-things were crowding upon them at every point. Sailors from the ship, all with torches, came to their aid none too soon; some zombies had to be cremated, or slain by the Towermen. As the battle surged one way or another, Wyatt suddenly passed by a spot where there was a distinct pair of footprints..... and the soil inside these tracks was bright yellow.

By Wyatt's urging, at least some of the undead ones were chained or otherwise rendered powerless for the time being. The gunslinger-knight ran back to where Star Swallower lay groaning in pain. Kicking the evil mage in the ribs, Wyatt shouted, "You saw them coming up, but gave no warning. You wanted them to slay us or infect us! I'll wager you know that Jaheg-Jorod was right over there not long ago. What bargain do you have with him?" For a sudden respite from fury, the Towerman bound up his enemy's wounds. Both bullets, as Wyatt had intended, had passed cleanly through.

"No such fraternal covenant that my colleagues and I should relinquish our own safety for his benefit," Star Swallower answered. "We want to defeat any effort by anyone to land on the moon by scientific means; and Jaheg-Jorod wants no scientists EXCEPT those with whom he has formed agreements to gain fame by their inventions."

"Then I take it that the necromancer DOES have science-wielding henchmen?"

"Yes: primarily, those in the Two Rivers Evil Business Corporation of Reslagor. They are developing superior military weapons, which can give any nation an edge in war, without any spells or charms being directly involved."

"Very well, Star Vomiter. I expect that your fellow Druids have the means both to retrieve you, and to complete the healing of your bullet holes. But perhaps they won't feel that kindly toward you, after you've spoken with me."

The Frantic Druid tried to smile through his physical discomfort. "They won't eliminate me for telling you this much. It was already known on Punksteema, since that battle in Gahurr, that we do live on the moon; and smart mortals, like the Tablanorian lawman Ramseth Holst, are already uncovering the secret maneuvers of the Reslagorian industrialists. But it is repaying kindness with kindness when I warn you, Sir Wyatt, that you gun-lovers would do well to keep out of lunar affairs."